


Like I Love You

by ChatDuNoir



Series: Love Me Not [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Cunnilingus, F/F, Fame, Journalism, Lesbian Sex, Mara's got humor, Tanya's got sass, celebrity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 199,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22900696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChatDuNoir/pseuds/ChatDuNoir
Summary: The sequel to "Love Me Not" in which we follow Mara and Tanya navigate their new relationship.
Relationships: Mara Swanson/Tanya Goldstein
Series: Love Me Not [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646044
Comments: 75
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

From New York with sarcasm

Thump!

I sat bold up right and glared at Angie. Not only had she awaken me from my slumber, but she had also scared the crap out of Genevieve. The cat jumped down from the couch with an insulted hiss. 

“Uncalled for,” I informed my roommate and grabbed the ball of paper she had used to throw at me. 

“Not my fault your laptop is making one hell of a noise,” she said unbothered and without looking up from her own laptop. 

The moment she said it, I could obviously hear the sound my laptop was making in my bedroom. I could recognize that sound anywhere. Someone was trying to reach me through Skype. I jumped up from the couch and almost fell over Genevieve in my eagerness. The cat hissed in warning again.

“Sorry, Gen, sorry,” I said hastily as I jogged the rest of the way into the bedroom to retrieve my laptop. I grabbed it, rushed back to the living room to sit more comfortably, and then I accepted the call. 

It didn’t take long before Tanya’s face appeared on screen. Her platinum blonde hair was styled to look tousled, and she was wearing a bathrobe. 

“Hi,” I grinned. I couldn’t help myself. She had already been away for a month, and I missed her. Which I only ever admitted during our more tender moments. 

“You’ve kept me waiting,” she huffed, and mock sneered at me.

I rolled my eyes. “I was sleeping.”

She raised an eyebrow now. “In the middle of the day?”

Angie snickered from her position at the kitchen table. 

“Hi, Angie,” Tanya said. 

“Hey,” Tanya greeted and smiled even though she couldn’t see Angie. Then she turned her attention back to me. “So? Why are you sleeping in the middle of the day? Are you sick?”

“Are you worried?” I teased.

“Just answer the question,” she half-snipped. 

“Okay, okay,” I laughed. “No, I’m not sick. But I didn’t sleep very good last night.”

She raised an eyebrow. “How come?”

“Yesterday was Wednesday,” I said simply. 

“Wednes- ohh. Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”

“Yep,” I confirmed and sighed. “They were fucking at it for three hours straight!”

Tanya smirked. “That sounds fun.”

I laughed because I knew that she was gonna say something like that. Then I tilted my head and looked at her as she sat there in her bathrobe. “Your lips looks a little chapped,” I observed. 

Tanya reached up and touched her lips. “Good point. Give me a moment.” She disappeared off screen for a second and I heard her rummage around for a moment. Probably to find her vanilla scented lip balm. She always wore that. 

After a moment, she came back into view and smiled at me. Her lips were glistening slightly now.

“Why are your lips chapped? What kind of scene are you shooting?” I asked curiously. 

Tanya cocked an eyebrow. “The kind of scene where I use my lips a lot.”

“Oh.” I chuckled a little.

“It’s not funny,” she groaned. “So far we’ve had to reshoot it seven times because of the lightening. Seven times, Mara!”

“Oh,” I repeated. “That’s... That is a lot of kissing.” 

“Tell me about it,” she sighed and touched her lips slightly. She winced, and now I realized that her lips were a bit puffy. It looked like she could need some “icing down”. I knew that was a method she often used when she was shooting. 

“I hate love scenes,” she said spontaneously and rolled her eyes. 

“Is the last scene a love scene?” Angie piped up and looked up from her laptop. 

“It is,” Tanya confirmed and sighed again. “And apparently, a very long one.”

“I’m getting jealous,” I teased her. 

She laughed. “Of course you are. I get to kiss Alexander Scott. I’d be jealous too.”

“Oh, ha, ha, ha. You’re so funny.”

“I’m glad you think so,” she said unbothered. “Is that why you miss me so much?”

“Who said anything about missing you?”

“You haven’t?” she said with feigned surprise. “Oh, well, then it won’t interest you that we’re wrapping up in two days.”

“Seriously?” I said and grinned broadly. 

“Yes, it probably won’t be that long before I’ll be back in Los Angeles. But of course, that isn’t of any interest to you...”

I laughed. “I’ll pick you up in the airport.”

“Will you indeed?” now she was feigning surprise. “To whatever do I owe the pleasure, miss Swanson? Have you perhaps missed me a little bit?”

“Maybe,” I said lightly. “A little bit.” Ha. Nice lie. I had missed her so fucking much. She had been gone for a month. A whole month. Thirty days. It felt like a small eternity. We had skyped as often as it was  
possible, but sometimes Tanya would have to settle for sending a few texts or call late at night because she was so busy with shooting. 

“When do you think you’ll be back home?” I asked, unable to keep the yearning out of my voice. 

Tanya smiled softly. “We wrap up in two days, and if everything goes well, there will only be minor things they have to straighten out, so I’d say in a week.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” she laughed. “You HAVE missed me.”

I mock sneered at her. 

She leaned back in whatever chair she was sitting in. “Have you stopped by my place at all?”

“Not this week,” I admitted. “The place is a little too...big and empty... without you.”

“Aww,” Angie interjected.

“Shut your mouth,” I warned. 

“I should have rented something smaller,” Tanya half-chuckled. “Or bought. Owning something would make for a nice change.”

“Maybe,” I nodded. I liked Tanya’s house in Beverly Hills. Very luxurious and big with an enormous pool in the backyard. But it was also just a little bit too white and clinical for my taste.”

“Oh, speaking of owning,” Tanya said and snapped her fingers as though suddenly remembering something.

“Yeah?”

“Mercy is selling the cabin she has up in the smoky mountains, and she’s asked me if I’d be interested in buying it,” Tanya said. “What would you think of that?”

“A cabin in the smoky mountains?” I repeated. 

“Mhmm. The view’s stunning. It has an outdoor jacuzzi, and we would be completely unbothered...” Tanya’s voice suddenly oozed of seduction. “I think owning a cabin could be quite... beneficial.”

I certainly could too. Suddenly, I could see so many good reasons why owning a cabin in the smoky mountains would be a good idea. And most of those reason either ended or begun with that outdoor jacuzzi. 

“Well, if it’s something you really want, I’d say go for it,” I said innocently. 

“And would I be travelling to the cabin alone?” she asked sweetly. 

“No. Definitely not.” 

Angie made a rather horrid gagging noise. “You are making me sick. Both of you.”

“Rude,” Tanya said plainly. 

I laughed, could feel how much I missed her. Sure, I was busy at work, but not busy enough to keep my thoughts completely occupied at all times. I missed my girlfriend, and I couldn’t wait until she came back to Los Angeles. 

“Are you taking care of my cat?” Tanya asked and interrupted my train of thoughts. 

“Of course I am,” I assured. “But she’s not being particularly grateful.”

Tanya laughed. “She misses her mommy, does she?” 

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Tell her I’ll be back soon.”

“Right. I’ll do that,” I said and didn’t even try to suppress a smile. The way Tanya fawned over her cat was hilarious. 

“Good. And tell her-“ Tanya never finished the sentence. Instead she turned around when there was a knock at the door to her hotel room. “Come in,” she said and made no attempt at shutting off the skype connection. 

I watched on the screen as the door to her room opened and Alexander Scott came in. He too was wearing a bathrobe. “Tanya, we’re ready to continue,” he said and smiled at her. 

“Right then,” she replied and stretched her arms above her head in a sort of mocking gesture. 

“Come on,” he laughed. “Get your ass in gear.” He walked over to her and gave her a friendly shove. 

“Cut it out,” Tanya warned and then wrinkled her nose. “Did you just eat garlic?!”

“Sure did,” Alexander said as he popped a pastel inside his mouth. “Woops.”

“Oh, you are such an asshole!” Tanya huffed. 

Alexander laughed and made these teasing, exaggerated kissing sounds at her.

I laughed. It was difficult not to feel amused by their friendly banter.

“I’m gonna kill you,” Tanya said plainly. “If you smell the least bit of garlic during the next scene, I swear to god, I’m gonna-“

“Relax,” he laughed as he popped a second pastel inside his mouth. “I’m literally oozing of peppermint.”

“You better. Or I’ll quit and create a massive scene.”

He laughed and then offered a slight wave at me. “Hi, Mara.” 

“Hey,” I greeted and smiled. 

He turned his attention back to Tanya. “Come on. Frances will lose it if you’re not on time.” 

“I’ll be there in five. I just have to say goodbye to Mara.”

“Better make that two,” he warned as he headed towards the door again. He left the room, and Tanya turned her attention back to me. “Sorry about that.”

“Duty calls,” I half-chuckled. 

“Looks like it,” she said and sighed slightly. “Now, I hope I’ll be able to call you tomorrow, but if not, I’ll definitely call you in two days when we’re done shooting.”

“That gives us better time to talk,” I smiled.

“Indeed.” Tanya nodded and stretched her arms above her head again. “God, I can’t wait until we wrap up!”

“Me neither.”

She smiled. “Anyway, I should get to it. I’ll talk to you soon-“

“Wait!” I interrupted. 

She raised an eyebrow. “What? Are you planning on confession your undying love for me via Skype?” 

“No. But I’d like to know what’s underneath that robe.”

Angie groaned loudly and stood from her chair with a huff. “I’m leaving,” she announced as she grabbed her laptop and stomped out of the living room in a rather dramatic fashion.

But Tanya found it to be highly amusing. She laughed. “You never disappoint in your requests, miss Swanson.”

“Soooo, can I see?” I asked innocently. 

She smirked at me as she fiddled with the tie that held her bathrobe together. I had to swallow something when the robe fell away and she showed off the strapless, nude bra she was wearing underneath. 

“Happy now?” she teased. 

“Oh boy,” I said simply. 

Tanya looked down at her chest. “No, definitely not.” Then we both laughed at the lame joke. 

“I really have to go now, otherwise Frances will get pissed at me,” she said.

“Okay, okay. Talk to you later.” 

“If you’re lucky. Be nice to my cat, and....” she lowered her voice to that seductive purr I knew so well. “Be a good girl until I come back.”

“And if I’m not?” I teased. 

“Then I’ll just have to do something about it when I get back, won’t I?” and in true Tanya Goldstein style, she cut the connection between us short without saying goodbye. 

I shook my head and laughed as I closed the laptop. God, that woman and her ability to drive me insane even when she was so far away. I couldn’t wait until she was coming back, and I kept my fingers crossed that it really only would be in a week. A week I could handle. A week I could fill out with all sorts of little projects to keep me occupied. But the last month had been long to say the least. But it had also been kinda positive. Meaning that I had realized how in love I really was with Tanya when she was away. Missing her was good. Missing her meant that I was fucking head over heels for her, and I liked that. I liked being head over heels for her. The feeling of being in love and knowing that she felt the same was absolutely-

Okay, I was growing sentimental. I shook my head firmly and went into the kitchen to feed Genevieve. I couldn’t sit here and daydream about Tanya. If Angie saw me, she definitely would tease me about it. And probably tell Tanya when she got home. And being teased by Angie was one thing. But being teased by Tanya was literally the most annoying thing ever. 

“Meow,” Genevieve said and slinked around my ankles. She was hungry again. It really was astonishing how much that cat could eat.

I served a plate of that stinking cat food for her, and she immediately threw herself into eating. I crouched down so I could pat her head now and then. I was still trying to make friends with her. Some attempts were better than the others, and this was one of those occasions. Genevieve purred as I patted her head. Or maybe she was just enjoying her food. 

“You miss Tanya?” I asked her. 

“Meow.”

I chose to take that as a yes. “Yeah, me too. But hey, she’ll be home soon. Are you happy about that?”

“Meow.”

“Me, too.”


	2. And That's A Wrap

The muscles in my neck hurt, and I cursed as I spun around on the office chair and temporarily turned my back on the computer screen. I was relieved it was time for my lunch break. I definitely needed to chill. Ingrid had been particularly ferocious today. A real slave whipper. 

“Planning on sleeping in the chair today, Swanson?” Boris teased me. Clearly, he found my relaxed posture oh, so funny. 

“Something like that,” I said and rubbed my eyes. I had hoped to catch up on some sleep last night, but nope. For some reason, the universe had decided that I hadn’t deserved any sleep. So instead I had ended up tossing and turning. And clearly falling asleep in a funny position. That had to be the reason why my neck was so fucking sore. I rubbed it again and winced at how tight the muscles felt. 

“That looks painful,” Boris cleverly observed. 

“Does it really?” I said sardonically and shook my head. “You should have been a detective, Boris.”

“Maybe that’s the plan if journalism fail,” he said lightly. “You look like you need a neck message, Swanson.”

“Are you planning on giving me one?” I chuckled. 

He wrinkled his nose. “No. That’s what you have your girlfriend for.” 

I chuckled a bit to myself again. Yes, perhaps that was an idea. If I was really lucky, I could sweettalk Tanya into giving me a neck message. She was actually very good at that. Skilled with her hands, as she put it. I could only agree to that. 

“When’s she coming home, by the way?” Boris asked nonchalantly as he got up from his chair and walked over to the mini fridge where we kept our lunch boxes. Exactly like in kindergarten. 

“Tomorrow. I think. Mind tossing me mine?” 

“Sure,” Boris said, and without taking aim, he threw my lunchbox at me. And for some reason, I managed to catch it. I whooped a bit over my own success and then opened the lunchbox. Why was I so uninventive when I made lunch? I could have put a little extra effort into that sandwich. Oh well. I took a bite of it. Not too bad. Definitely tasted better than it looked. 

“You miss her then?” 

“Wha’?” I quickly chewed and swallowed before trying again: “what?”

“Do you miss her?” Boris asked with a grin. 

“Sure,” I nodded. “She’s been gone for a month.”

“And what’s her plans when she comes back?” 

“Now you’re fishing,” I informed him and laughed. “If you wanna know Tanya’s plans, I suggest you ask her and not me. I know nothing.”

“That is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard,” Boris said dully as he turned his attention to his own lunch box. 

I snickered quietly. He was kinda right about that. I totally knew stuff. I knew for instance that Tanya had said yes to starring in Heiress and that the production would start in five months. I also knew that she would be going to England for eight weeks when they started shooting. And I would be going with her. I hadn’t exactly talked to Ingrid about it yet, but I was going to do so very soon. She would probably appreciate knowing these kind of things in advantage. 

I took another bite of my sandwich and desperately wished that I’d had a bag of chips for dessert. I felt like I had deserved something greasy for dessert. Maybe I could coax Angie into ordering a pizza tonight. It probably wouldn’t be that hard. Angie loved pizza as much as I did.

My phone began vibrating on my desk. Someone was clearly trying to get a hold of me. Someone who knew what time my lunchbreak was. I put the sandwich down and grabbed the phone. It sure looked like “Tan-Tan” was calling me. That was what I had saved her as in my contacts. Mostly to tease her, but it never failed to make me smile when I got the notification that “Tan-Tan” was calling. I swallowed the piece of sandwich and then answered the call: “hello, Tan-Tan.” 

“What did I tell you about calling me that?” Tanya grumbled in the other end. 

“That you absolutely adore it and want me to continue for all eternity. Obviously. What’s up?”

“Do I have to have a reason for calling you now?” she drawled. 

“No, of course not.”

“I didn’t think so either.” She chuckled. “Are you working hard?”

“I am,” I confirmed. “Are you? You sound kinda hoarse.” 

“That’s because I’ve just spent the last half hour screaming.”

I blinked. “What? The hell kind of scene are you shooting?” 

“The kind of scene where Celeste yells,” Tanya teased.

“Should I be worried?”

“We should all be worried for Celeste,” she said airily. “Poor girl.”

I scowled. “You are literally so annoying when you do that.”

“You love when I do it.”

“I do not,” I tried to protest. “How can you even be calling me now? I thought you were busy shooting?”

“We’ve just wrapped up.”

“Seriously? That’s awesome! So you’re done? As in done-done?”

“Done-done,” she confirmed with another soft chuckle. “It’s out of my hands now.”

“Soooo, does that mean you’ll be coming home tomorrow?”

“Yes, baby,” she teased. “That’s exactly what it means.”

“Awesome,” I repeated and grinned ridiculously. Just one more day.

“Mmm,” Tanya said and clearly shared my excitement. “The reason why I’m calling you now instead of tonight is because there’s gonna be a party to celebrate that we’re done.”

“Oh, that sounds great,” I said nonchalantly and leaned back on the office chair. “You’ve worked nonstop. If anyone deserves to party, it’s you.”

“I just wish you could be here for it,” Tanya sighed. “Partying is so much more entertaining when you’re here.”

“There’ll be other parties,” I reminded her. “The Golden Globe Award being one of them.”

“Yeah,” she said, and I could trace a hint of anxiety of her voice.

“You alright?” I asked softly.

“Oh yes. I just want to go home,” she replied. “I’m not really in the mood to party.”

“Oh. Well, do you have too? Can’t you just, I dunno, slip away quietly?”

Tanya laughed a little. “I think certain people would be disappointed if I wasn’t there and had at least one glass of champagne.”

“Fair point,” I acknowledged. Tanya was the leading lady after all. It would probably be weird if she wasn’t present for the wrap up party. “So, you’re gonna have champagne? Is it gonna be pink?”

“Probably,” Tanya laughed. “I’m gonna have one glass of champagne and take a couple of pictures, and that’ll be it. I’m definitely not planning on getting drunk. That’s not good for me.”

“I’m proud of you,” I said spontaneously. “For knowing what’s good for you and what isn’t.”

“Thanks, darling,” Tanya said, and even though there was a hint of teasing in her voice, she definitely sounded happy about the praise too.

“Are you happy you’re done shooting?” I asked and rolled my head from side to side. There was that muscle again. “Ouch!”

“’Ouch’?” Tanya repeated. “What’s ‘ouch’?”

“Stiff muscle. Maybe I’ve slept funny or something, I dunno.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well, I’ll have to do something about that when I come home, then.”

I raised an eyebrow and lightly scolded: “aren’t you tired? Aren’t you supposed to relax and do nothing when you get home?”

She let out a husky laugh. “I am never too tired when it comes to you. And I’m certainly not too tired to DO you.”

I felt a flutter of excitement as I laughed. There was the sass I so adored.

“By the way, I’m going to send you some pictures later,” Tanya said nonchalantly and changed the subject.

“Of yourself?” I asked teasingly. This wouldn’t have been the first time I jokingly asked for nudes. And not the first time she would shoot my brilliant suggestion down.

“Keep dreamin’,” Tanya scoffed. “No, I’m gonna send you some pictures of that cabin up in the smoky mountains so you can see what it looks like.”

“Oh, cool, I’ll look forward to that,” I said and smiled even though she couldn’t see it. 

“I think you’ll really like it. We need a proper love nest,” she drawled.

“Love nest you say?” I half-chuckled and noted that Boris seemed to find my conversation with Tanya more interesting than eating his lunch. 

“Yes. Isn’t that what all the movie stars calls their hideout?” she said nonchalantly, and I heard some shuffling in her end. 

“Probably. What are you doing?” I asked curiously. 

“Well, if you must know, I’m in the middle of changing out of a dress.”

“Oooh. Tell me more, Goldstein...”

“No way,” she scoffed. “You’re at work right now.”

I groaned. “Fair point...”

“I’m looking forward to going home,” Tanya said without hiding the yearning in her voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my life.”

“You can sleep on the way home from the airport,” I promised her. “And go straight to bed when we get back.” 

She chuckled again. “Straight to bed, huh? I suppose I could do that. But only if you’ll go with me.”

“I think that could be arranged,” I said, and suddenly, work was about the last thing I was thinking of. Suddenly, reuniting with my girlfriend was so much more interesting to think about. Thirty days. She had been gone for thirty days. Of course there had been plenty of skype and phone calls, but it wasn’t quite the same as seeing her in person. 

Tanya sighed a bit again. “I actually tried to find a flight out tonight, but my director was very adamant that I should be there for the party.”

“You tried to find a flight out tonight?” I smiled widely now.

“Yes,” she said lightly. “I miss your pretty face.”

“And I miss yours. It’s been awfully quiet around here.”

She huffed in the other end. “Are you saying that I’m too loud?” her voice dropped to a whisper as she continued: “I thought you liked when I was being loud...”

“Careful, Goldstein,” I mock warned. 

“I seem to remember that you also quite like it when I’m not being careful...”

“You are so fucking awful,” I laughed and glanced at the clock. I sighed a little. “My lunch break is almost over.”

“Oh. That’s a pity,” Tanya joked. “The conversation was just about to get interesting...”

“I know. But hey, pretty soon we can continue the conversation face to face. That’s something, isn’t it?”

“It definitely is,” Tanya agreed, and I was sure she was smirking as she said: “you better work hard, miss Swanson.”

“I always do,” I assured her and grinned. 

“But I still think I’m the one who’s having the hardest time,” Tanya said. “At least you haven’t spent most of the day on being thrown around...”

“Thrown around?” I blinked. “What the fuck?”

She laughed. “The season finale is gonna be intense. All I’m saying.”

Knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to coax anymore information out of her, I settled for: “okay, you win. I’m definitely not being thrown around.”

“And be grateful for that,” Tanya interrupted. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this sore.”

A comment about how exactly I’d like to make her sore was already burning on my tongue, but seeing that I was at work right now, I should probably try and keep my end of the conversation clean. Ish. 

“Anyway, I’ll see you when I get back,” Tanya interrupted my train of naughty thoughts. “But do let me know what you think about the cabin, okay?”

“I shall eagerly await the pictures.”

“And my return?” Tanya asked and suddenly sounded sweet and not seductive. I did so like when sounded like that. All hopeful and adorable. ‘Adorable’ wasn’t exactly a word I thought I’d ever use to   
describe Tanya Goldstein, but she had moments where ‘adorable’ was the only term fitting. And right now was definitely one of those moments.

“And your return,” I confirmed and smiled. “I can’t wait to see you.”

“I can’t wait to see you either,” Tanya said, and I immediately recognized the slight edge of vulnerability to her voice. She wasn’t messing around anymore. She wanted to go home. And I wanted her home.   
Maybe a month didn’t sound like a long time. But it was. A fucking long time. I was pretty satisfied that she didn’t have any shooting to do until in five months. Even though I would be going with her to England, I wasn’t sure how much she was gonna be around. She was gonna shoot a movie, after all. 

“Okay, I should get going,” Tanya interrupted my train of thoughts. “But I will see you very soon.” 

“You sure will.” 

“Work hard, baby,” she teased. There was a slight ‘click’ and then she was gone. 

I chuckled lightly to myself as I put the phone down and shifted the attention back to my sandwich. 

“That was a long conversation,” Leo pointed out with a grin. He had clearly been listening in too. 

“Yep,” I said simply. My conversations with Tanya always tended to get pretty long. 

“So, is coming home tomorrow then?” Leo asked curiously. 

“Affirmative,” I said and couldn’t keep my grin at bay. Oh yes, Tanya was coming home tomorrow, and I absolutely couldn’t fucking wait to see her again!

Leo laughed and informed me that I looked like “the Cheshire cat”, but I absolutely didn’t give a fuck. I was gonna see my girlfriend again tomorrow night. I stuffed the rest of the sandwich inside my mouth and leaned back on the office chair as I daydreamed of the moment when I finally could pick her up in the airport. Finally wrap my arms around her and know that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. At least not without me. I grinned a bit to myself. I was looking forward to seeing pictures of this “love nest” she was considering to buy. A cabin up in the mountain. That literally sounded too good to be true, and I had a hard time believing that this, cabins in the mountains and award shows was my life now. But of course any of that didn’t matter without Tanya. As sentimental as it sounded, she was the one who had changed my life the most. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this happy. 

The door opened, and I nearly jumped in my chair. Ingrid stepped out her office and looked at us like she sometimes did. Just to let us know that she was still there and watching our every move. Everyone immediately scrambled to pretend that they were long done with their lunch. Myself included. My cellphone magically disappeared into my bag again. If there was something Ingrid hated, it was seeing cellphones laying on the table. Who knows, maybe someone would dare using their phone during work hours. 

Boris muttered something that sounded like dragon, and I shot him a warning glance. Suppose she heard him? He bared his teeth in a grin and made sure to duck a little extra when Ingrid looked our way and then nodded a little as though she had just assured that her “flock” was still behaving. 

I obediently bowed my head over the laptop and did what Tanya had told me to. Worked hard.

The first pictures “landed” in my inbox sometime later when I was back home in the apartment and Angie and I were in the process of devouring a pizza. I smiled as I scrolled through the pictures of a beautiful cabin. Stunning mountain view. An amazing fireplace looking as though made of raw stone. Everything else made of tree from the floor to the wall and the elegant arch opening that separated the kitchen from the living room. And what a living room that was! Obviously, the fireplace was the centerpiece, but the enormous leather couch and the large, rounded windows with perfect mountain view was stunning as well. The kitchen was small but functional, perfect for just the two of us. There was also a sort of “game room”. At least that’s what I think it was. It had a billiard table, and I chuckled slightly to myself. Did Tanya know how to play billiard? If not, I would have to teach her. I was by no means an expert, and it definitely had been a while since I last played, but I could at least give it a shot.

I kept scrolling and nearly grinned when I saw pictures of what could only be “the master bedroom”. That was some bedroom, alright! Enormous four poster bed complete with canopy and everything. A chandelier dangling from the ceiling. Another fireplace carved of stone. Not as big as the one in the living room, but I was pretty sure we could live with a smaller one. Large windows so we would be able to see the mountains the moment we woke up. Fantastic. I couldn’t keep my grin at bay when I looked at the pictures of the bathroom. Bathroom was too small a word to describe this ridiculousness. It was ginormous. With a jacuzzi AND a bathtub. I shook my head slightly. God, this was incredible! And so was the patio. Very spacious and undisturbed. With, surprise, surprise, another jacuzzi. Seriously, how many of those had Mercy Kingston even needed? I clicked my tongue slightly. But not because I had a problem with it. Definitely not. Tanya was right, it looked absolutely perfect. A proper little “love nest”. 

Tanya had ended the email with a: ‘is this a place you’d like to be whisked away to, Swanson?’

I replied with a: ‘depends on who will be doing the whisking. If it’s you, then yes, abso-fucking-lutely!’. I doubted she would answer tonight. She was probably busy celebrating, and obviously, she shouldn’t be on her phone whilst doing that. 

“That,” Angie said as she shamelessly peeked over my shoulder. “Looks like one hell of a cabin!”

“It is,” I nodded. 

“Is Tanya seriously thinking about buying that?”

“Yeah, I think she is.”

“I’ll come and visit you. Lots,” Angie said simply and took another bite of her pizza. 

I snickered. “Of course you will. Bring Cooper with you. It looks like there’s plenty of room.” My phone pinged, not because there was a new email, but because of an Instagram notification. Someone had just posted a picture. And that someone turned out to be TGoldstein. I quickly checked the picture. It was a closeup of a glass of pink champagne. Underneath the picture, Tanya simply had written: ‘and that’s a wrap!’. I smiled to myself as I checked the second picture she had uploaded. A picture of herself, Alexander and Mercy Kingston smiling broadly at the camera. Tanya was wearing a sort of dusty pink dress with little cap-sleeves. Her hair had been gathered in a soft bun on top of her head, and she looked absolutely beautiful. She had used the same caption, and I couldn’t resist to leave a little comment: ‘congratulations on wrapping up! Can’t wait to see you soon! x’. 

“Aww,” Angie cooed next to me. 

“Shut up,” I warned without much bite. 

It didn’t take long before my comment was noticed and the responses came: ‘cutest couple ever!’ and ‘seriously, you two are goals!’ I couldn’t help but smile. Tanya’s fans had “welcomed” very nicely. That mattered. But what mattered the most was the little ‘heart’ Tanya had answered my comment with...


	3. Something Pretty From New York

The next day I was standing in the LAX and waiting impatiently for Tanya to walk through the doors. It was almost seven o’clock at night and judging by her text messages, Tanya was beat. And she wanted pizza. She had stated that in the text she sent me very late last night. I had been amused and even more so when she claimed that she had lived of water and salad for the past month. Poor thing. I had sucked up to Angie and managed to coax her into swinging by our favorite pizza place so Tanya could experience the luxury of a warm pizza when she came back after a month of filming. 

The doors finally opened, and the passengers started coming through. I stood on my tippy toes and stretched my neck in an attempt to spot a familiar face in the crowd. She had to be there somewhere, though I wasn’t sure whether I should be looking for a blonde or a brunette. Tanya hadn’t told me how incognito she travelled, and I caught myself studying the brunette’s just to make sure I didn’t accidentally miss her. Not that Tanya was hard to miss or anything. Oh no, you always knew exactly when she had stepped into a room. I chuckled slightly and earned myself a weird look from two guys wearing expensive looking suits. I settled for flashing them a broad smile. I was gonna pick up my girlfriend. Nothing could make me feel awkward right now. Not even the weird looks those two men gave me just because I had laughed to myself. Tanya would probably have called me “creepy” or something like that. I chuckled again. I miss hearing her call me creepy and scowl at me. I missed the way she drawled and rolled her eyes. The way her body curled around mine when we were in bed. And the way she claimed that I was far “too bony” to be curled around, and if she had, that would definitely be an accident. I missed the way she was a lazy-ass who didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning and only could be coaxed to get up for two reasons: breakfasts or a hot shower. 

I just missed her. Startling, really. How I could miss someone who always were such a complete and utter ass. I chuckled to myself again and shook my head slightly, earned myself another weird look from another of the travelers. Maybe they’d call security on me in a moment if I kept laughing to myself like this. The thought of that almost made me laugh again. I suddenly noted that my stomach was rumbling. Clearly, Tanya wasn’t the only one who was feeling peckerish. I was looking forward to some pizza. With four kinds of cheese. Mmm. Oh man, I was hungry! Images of greasy pizza was dancing for my inner eye...

“Hello, stranger.”

I spun around and was greeted by the sight of Tanya briskly coming towards me with her suitcase dragging behind her. She was wearing a grey trench coat, a checkered scarf, her hair was gathered in a high ponytail, and her eyes were hid behind a pair of large sunglasses. 

“Hey!” I said and grinned as I met her halfway. 

She pecked my lips lightly once. “Did you miss me?” 

“Not at all. How was your flight?” 

“Long and noisy. Have you waited a long time?”

“Nope,” I said and licked my lips slightly. Tanya’s lip gloss tasted of strawberries.

“Oh, good. And have you ordered me a pizza?”

“I have.” Now I was grinning. 

“Good girl,” Tanya joked in that raspy voice I had so missed. “Then I suggest we get out of here. I need to get my shoes off.”

I could understand that. She appeared to be wearing at least six inches of heel. Ouch. That had to hurt. We began walking towards the exit, and I tilted my head as I studied Tanya’s face and the sunglasses hiding most of it. “You hungover?” I asked lightly. 

“No,” Tanya replied. “I won’t lie, it did get rather late last night, but I only had one glass of champagne.”

“The one you posted a picture of,” I remembered and grinned a little. 

“Indeed,” she took my hand with her free one and squeezed it. “You should comment on my pictures more often. I quite liked that.”

“Noted. So, what’s with the sunglasses?”

“It’s fashion, darling. Look it up,” Tanya teased. 

“Oh, very funny!”

“My eyes are tired,” Tanya amended. “I’ve been doing a lot of fake crying in the last scene. Tends to dry me out and make me a little sensitive to the light.”

“Ah. I get it.”

“Yes, I’m glad I’m finally done,” she sighed. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired. This finale was way worse than the first one.” 

“Do you think there’ll be a third season?” I asked as I gallantly held the door open for her. 

“Honestly? I don’t know. It would be a shame if we aren’t renewed. I love playing Celeste, but we’ll see what happens.” She walked through the door and flashed me a smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. And welcome to Los Angeles.”

“It’s good to be back,” she said earnestly and winked at me. “I’ve missed seeing your pretty face....”

“So, my mom called me this morning,” I said as I swiftly maneuvered the car out of the crowded parking lot. 

“Yes?” Tanya encouraged and leaned back in the passengers seat. She had finally taken off the sunglasses, and for the life of me I couldn’t see that her eyes looked particularly tired. 

“And somehow she managed to mention three times that she and my dad wants to meet you,” I said a bit sheepishly. 

“Oh,” Tanya chuckled lightly. “Well, we’ll have figure that out, won’t we? Find a time that suits us both.”

“Really? You’d be okay with meeting my parents?”

“Certainly,” she nodded. “But don’t expect to ever meet mine.”

I cringed. The way she mentioned her non-existent relationship with her parents so casually made me feel unbelievably sad and angry. How could her parents just opt out their daughter like that? So easily? She was their flesh and blood and they had just chosen to pretend she didn’t exist anymore. Tanya hadn’t heard anything from them since the interview in which she and I “came out” had been published. Not a peep. Nothing. And yeah, that made me pretty fucking angry! Why would anyone chose to ditch their kids for something as insignificant as sexual orientation? I didn’t get it. 

“Mara?”

“Hm?” I blinked and snapped out of my musings. 

“Getting bored with me already?” she teased. 

“No! Definitely not. Nu-uh,” I said and shook my head for emphasis. 

“Then how about you start to actually listen to me?” she scolded and gave me a slight nudge. 

“I am. Or, I will. What did you say?”

Tanya rolled her eyes. “I was asking when you had imagined that we were going to visit your parents?”

“Oh, uhmm, I’ll have to check my calendar,” I replied, feeling distracted again, but this time for different reasons. The way Tanya spoke of it made it seem like no big deal. It WAS a big deal. For me, it was.   
Tanya would be the second woman I’d ever introduced to my parents. I had never been serious enough about any of the women I’d dated. Except for Lily. And now Tanya. As far as I knew, she hadn’t ever gone through the whole “meet the parents”-thing. None of her relationships had lasted long enough for that. She had been the one to end the relationship before it could get to that stage, she’d told me. 

According to her, she was a “clown” when it came to relationships, but I didn’t agree with that. I thought she was doing an exceptionally good job at being in a relationship. I flashed her a little smile, and she returned it....

When we came back to the apartment, Tanya reunited with Genevieve in a matter that made me laugh. Seriously, the way her voice went all high pitched as she blabbered on about “my little girl!” was hilarious. 

Angie too appeared to be swallowing back a grin as we watched Tanya dump her suitcase and lift up the cat. In return, Genevieve purred and happily shed cat’s hair all over Tanya’s pretty (and probably expensive as hell) grey trench coat. 

Tanya didn’t even bat eye, she just hugged the cat tighter and assured that she would never ever leave again. I had to suffocate another grin. 

“Welcome home,” Angie said and flashed Tanya a smile. 

“Thank you,” Tanya replied while smoothing kisses onto Genevie’s head. “It’s nice to be home.”

“Yeah, I can imagine so. You’ve been gone for a while,” Angie nodded. 

“Never again,” Tanya said simply as she finally sat Genevieve down and began to unbutton her coat. 

“We both know that’s not true,” I interjected. 

“Well, at least I’m not going anywhere for a while,” she stated whilst slipping off her coat and revealing the black skirt and cream colored blouse she was wearing underneath. I smiled. She looked exactly like the star she was. 

“Oh god, my feet cannot take anymore,” she muttered as she quickly slipped off her heels. She was actually limping a bit as she brought the coat and scarf and shoes into the tiny hallway. Poor thing. 

“Were you dancing last night or something?” I asked when she came back. 

“Yes. And right now I wish that I hadn’t,” she said bitterly. 

I chuckled, was about to say something else when the door opened, and Cooper stepped in. With his arms full of pizza boxes. Angie had been a lazy ass and sucked up to him. Nice.

“Anybody hungry?” he asked jokingly. 

“Me,” Tanya said simply. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. Or two.”

Cooper chuckled. “Hi, Tanya. Back already?”

“What are you talking about, already?” I huffed. “It’s been a fucking month.”

“Aww,” Tanya cooed and blinked innocently at me. “You’ve missed me.”

“What makes you say that? I just stated that it had been a month,” I claimed, tipping my chin up in mock defiant. 

She laughed and Cooper declared that we should eat the pizzas while they were still hot. So we settled down by the table, opened the pizza boxes and dug into the pizzas like the healthy, healthy people we were. Tanya was quick to devour her first piece of pizza, and I couldn’t help but to feel impressed. She really wasn’t kidding when she said that she was hungry. 

Cooper looked a bit like he was still struggling to accept the fact that Tanya Goldstein was actually sitting here and having dinner with us. His eyes had nearly bulged out of his head when he found out that she and I were dating. Like so many others. I couldn’t blame him. I still struggled to believe it myself sometimes. 

And especially when Tanya was sitting here and eating pizza like she had never done anything else with her life. I chuckled lightly. 

She tilted her head at me. “What are you laughing at, Swanson?”

“Nothing,” I said immediately. “Absolutely nothing.” 

“I hope not,” Tanya growled and took a sip of her water. She glanced at the pizza on her plate. “Boy, I’m gonna regret this so badly tomorrow.”

“Aren’t we all?” Angie said in a very grave manner. Then she took another bite of her pizza.

Cooper laughed shamelessly at her. Brave man. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Having Tanya back. Sitting here and eating pizza with her. And knowing that she wasn’t going anywhere for five months. That was awesome. We could literally see each other every single day. Hang out at my place or her place. Get sushi in the weekend and watch bad television like a completely “ordinary” couple. Obviously, there was nothing ordinary about Tanya, but never the less....

My fantasies about watching crappy television with Tanya was shattered by a ruthlessly loud sound. A ringtone. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, man,” Tanya huffed as she dumped a slice of pizza on her plate with an undignified splat. “I literally just landed!” she excused herself and went into the hallway to retrieve her ringing phone. I heard her curse loudly and then put on her “professional” voice as she picked up. “Stacy! Hi! What a surprise. Would it be possible if I called you tomorrow? I’ve just landed.” The answer was clearly “no” because I heard her sigh and indulge her agent: “okay. And what kind of manuscript is it then?”

My stomach twisted a little. I hoped it wouldn’t be something here and now. And certainly not something that she needed to travel for. I took another bite of my slice of pizza and didn’t even bother pretending that I wasn’t listening in. 

“An erotic drama?!” Tanya hissed. “For god’s sake, Stacy! I’ve already told you that I’m not taking off my bra on camera!”

Cooper appeared to be choking on a piece of pizza and I saw the tips of his ear reddening. 

“No,” Tanya said firmly. “I am not interested. Unless it’s a part that doesn’t require me to take off my top. Honestly, I’m disappointed that you even suggest this, Stacy.” 

I winced. I completely understood Tanya’s priorities, but still, I wouldn’t want to be Stacy right now. 

“Yes, Stacy,” Tanya said. She sounded a bit more patient now. “Yes, I’ll be going to England to shoot ‘Heiress’, and I was hoping for some time off before that. I feel worn out. I’m sure you understand that. Yes. Yes. Okay. Let’s say that, then. Goodbye.”

I heard her stuff the phone back into the pocket of her trench coat and muttering under her breath while doing so. A moment later she came back to the kitchen. 

“Everything okay?” I asked lightly. 

“Yes. But I might have to fire my agent,” she joked as she tossed a little box at me. “Here you go.”

“What is that,” I said as I barely managed to catch the little box before it landed on the floor. 

“Something pretty from New York,” Tanya joked as she resumed her pizza party. 

Something “pretty” indeed. I could read ‘Tiffany & Co’ on the box, and I had to stare at Tanya for a second. “Are you serious?”

“About this pizza?” she answered without taking her eyes off said pizza. “Yes, incredibly so.” 

I shook my head slightly as I lifted the lid off the little box. The inside was made of black velvet and resting on the velvet was a watch. A beautiful watch with a black satin strap. White guilloché dial encased by diamonds. The buckle were also made of diamonds as well, and the roman numerals gave the watch a perfect, vintage-y vibe. 

“Holy hell,” Angie said plainly as she leaned in to see the watch. 

I looked up at Tanya and asked the same question as I had a moment ago: “are you serious?”

She shrugged. “The first thing you say in the morning is ‘what time is it?’. Now you don’t have to do bother me to find that out. It’s waterproof, so if you dump it down the toilet, it won’t be the end of the world.”

“I... Tanya this is-“

“A pretty watch,” she interrupted and took a sip of her water.

“Adorned with freaking diamonds!”

“Because diamonds are a girls best friend,” she first joked but then frowned slightly. “You don’t like it?” 

“OF COURSE I like it!” I said quickly. “How could I not? It’s just... a very nice watch. I’m not.... I’m not used to wearing those kind of things.”

She flashed me a little smile. “Are you gonna try it on or what?” 

“Of course,” I said and carefully lifted the watch out of the box. I fumbled to slip it onto my wrist, and it didn’t take long before Tanya scoffed in impatience and grabbed the watch with the words: “stay still.” 

I heeded her order and kept my wrist still as she as easily as one-two-three slid the watch on and fastened it around my wrist. “There,” she said satisfied. “That suits you. I thought about buying you a necklace or a pair of earrings, but then it struck me that you aren’t really the jewelry type. I figured you’d be much happier with a watch. I did buy the earrings for myself, though.”

“It’s beautiful,” I told her and smiled. “Thank you so much. But you really shoul-“

“Oh, spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have’-bull,” Tanya scoffed. “Of course I should. You’ve stuck around for so long without getting sick of me yet. That’s an achievement. Cheers.” She lifted her glass of   
water and took a sip. 

“Cheers,” I said, chuckling as I took a sip of my own water. She clearly had enough with my gratitude. Her attitude radiated “just shut up and take the watch, Mara”, and I found that to be pretty funny. 

“Can I see?” Cooper asked. 

I stretched out my arm so he could see the watch more properly. 

“Wow,” he said with a smile. “That really does suit you, Mara.”

“I have excellent taste,” Tanya quipped, taking another sip of her water. 

“You sure do,” I happily agreed. I felt all sorts of “mushy”. She had bought me a gift. She considered it some sort of “achievement” that I had “stuck around” for so long. That was crazy. It wasn’t an   
achievement. Not at all. Being with her was easy. And I was gonna tell her that later!

Tanya pushed her plate away and stated that she would never eat something ever again. Angie quickly agreed with her whilst Cooper shrugged and mumbled something about wishing that there had been   
more pizza left. Angie called him “gross” and that made Tanya laugh. 

“How can you possibly still be hungry?” I asked and shook my head. 

“I’m a growing boy?” he suggested. 

I rolled my eyes. “You literally have the worst excuses, Cooper.” 

He huffed and made a big deal of how “rude” I was being to him. 

“She’s always like that,” Tanya interjected and laughed shamelessly in my face. 

“Oh, you are such an-“

“Finish that sentence, I dare you.”

I laughed even though I had been planning on saying something bitingly sarcastic. 

She flashed me a grin with a raised eyebrow. She had that “I know better than you”-attitude going on, and oh my god, I had missed that so much! I couldn’t stop grinning as we “got rid of the evidence”.   
Meaning that we moved the pizza boxes and complaining over having eaten far too much. Genevieve slinked around my ankles, and I caught myself cooing at her. Actually cooing at the damned cat. Who was I, and what had I done with Mara Swanson?

Afterwards, we retired to the living room. Or, Angie and Cooper “splattered” out on the couch, I settled down in one of the plushy chairs, but Tanya stretched her arms above her head and stated that she had some unpacking to do. 

“And a shower,” she continued. “I smell of airport.”

“Haven’t noticed that,” I snickered. I had only smelled French vanilla when sitting close to her. I had missed the smell of her perfume too. 

“Nobody minds if I crash here tonight, right?” she asked. 

“No!” I said before Angie could get the chance to speak. 

“No,” Angie chuckled. 

“Thank god. I don’t think I could handle going anywhere.” She hid a yawn behind her hand. “Anyway, I think I’ll go and take that shower before I fall asleep.” She crossed the living room and headed towards the hallway. When she reached the door, though, she turned her head and flashed me a “coming or what?”-smile. 

And yeah, no, how was I supposed to refuse that? I “brushed” Genevieve off my lap and got up from the chair as fast as I had sat down. Genevieve seemed pretty insulted, and Angie cackled, but I was more than capable of ignoring both the cat and my roommate as I followed Tanya through the hallway and into the bathroom. She was already in the process of unbuttoning her blouse and I made an “iish” sound as her back came into view. She hadn’t been kidding about those bruises. Her upper back was basically one big bruise. 

“Damn,” I said and grimaced. 

“Hmm?” she turned her head. “Oh. Yeah, it looks pretty dramatic, doesn’t it?” 

“For sure. You really HAVE been shoved into a wall, haven’t you?” 

“Sure have,” she confirmed as she slipped her camisole over her head and revealed the back of a purple bra. 

“By whom?” I asked curiously. “Alexander?” 

Tanya chuckled. “Are you trying to make me tell you what happens in season two, Swanson?”

“Maybe I am a little bit,” I admitted. 

“Well...” she turned around and I had to swallow something. “You know I can’t tell you anything,” she continued. “But I can reveal that it wasn’t Alexander.”

“Is Celeste okay?” I asked pathetically.

Tanya let out a smoky laughter. “Is Celeste ever okay?” she opened the side zipper in her skirt and let it slip down her bottom and pool by her feet. 

“Uhh...” I couldn’t remember what the next sentence was gonna be. Not when she stood there in only her underwear. I tilted my head slightly. Had she lost weight? She looked a little thinner. Maybe she   
hadn’t been lying about the “salad and water”- thing either.

“It’s pretty hard to shower when you’re still dressed,” she pointed out and lifted her hands so she could undo her high ponytail. A soft moan of relief escaped her as she loosened the rubber band that had   
been holding her hair together. Her platinum blonde hair tumbled down her shoulders in loose curls, and as if that hadn’t been enough, she tipped her head back and let out a deep sigh that could almost have been a moan. I bit my lip and could feel how certain things were starting to happen to certain places in my body. She always knew exactly what to do and when to do it. Everything she did worked like witchcraft on me.

“Mara,” Tanya lightly chided. “Undress. Otherwise it’ll be one weird shower.”

I did as requested and undressed in something that felt like top speed. My clothes ended up on the floor, but I was much too distracted to pick it up. 

Tanya cackled. “That was impressive. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were eager, Mara.”

“You’re delusional,” I claimed without an ounce of truth. 

“Am I?”

“You are.”

“So you haven’t missed me even the littlest bit?”

“Of course not. I’ve been doing-“ I puffed out my cheeks and let the air out with a “poof” sound. “-Anything but thinking about you. Yeah. Anything.”

“How rude,” she scoffed. “I think it’s high time you start behaving.”

“You do?”

“Mmm, I do,” she husked as she closed the distance between us. She flashed me a positively wicked smile as she grabbed my hand and guided it to her still lacy covered ass. “Try and feel this,” she said lowly.

“Mmm,” I rumbled and gave her firm ass a little squeeze. “It’s nice.”

She reached back and unclasped her bra. Her breasts sprang free from their lacy cages, and I had to swallow something again. 

“And these,” she continued almost whisperingly and took my hands and guided them to her breasts. 

“Mmmhmmm,” I croaked. That was almost a moan. 

“You can’t handle this at all, can you?” she teased. 

“No,” I murmured and gave her breasts each a gentle squeeze. “You’re right, I can’t handle this at all.” 

“Figured,” Tanya said, and I saw a delicate little wrinkle appear between her eyes as she carefully unclasped the watch around my wrist and put it aside on the little shelf. 

“This aint showering,” I commented as I trailed my hands lower and hooked my fingers in the waistband of her panties.”

“But it will be in a moment,” Tanya replied and kept perfectly still so I could slide the panties down her legs. 

We did indeed make our way into the shower after that. She stood behind me with her arms around my waist in the tiny shower where the pipes were crackling, and the water never really got properly warm. For some reason, everything about this was so utterly perfect. 

“Thank you again for the watch,” I murmured. 

“You’re welcome,” she rumbled somewhere behind me, and I felt her hair tickling my shoulder and her breasts press into my back. Yep, definitely perfect. 

“I was hoping you’d wear it for the Golden Globe awards,” she continued. Now she was kissing my shoulder. 

“I’d be happy to,” I assured. “But you know you didn’t have to buy me something, right?”

“Shut up,” Tanya said plainly. 

I snickered softly. “God, you are so-“ the rest of the sentence died on my lips when her right hand abruptly slid down and settled between my thighs. 

“You were saying?” she asked teasingly and gave me a slight rub that sends shivers through my body. I said absolutely nothing. I just closed my eyes and surrendered to the feeling of her touching me. 

“Nothing to say?” Tanya asked with faux surprise. “I think that’s a first, miss Swanson. Perhaps I should take advantage of that and start making requests?” she gave my clit a soft little rub, and I groaned   
slightly. 

“I want to wear your shirt for bed,” Tanya continued whilst still rubbing my clit in soft, slow circles. “The blue one. I’m guessing you’re gonna let me, isn’t that right?” 

“You can have whatever the fuck you w-want,” I hissed. “As long as you don’t-mmm!- stop touching me!” 

“That’s not gonna happen,” she promised. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep touching you. All night, if that’s what you want.” 

“I wanna-“ I struggled to form a sentence. “I wanna touch you too!”

“Oh, I think we’re gonna make tonight all about you, darling,” Tanya gently dismissed. “I’m too worn out to even THINK about orgasming-“ she laughed. “But you....” she kissed my shoulder again.

“Aren’t you...too tired for this?” I asked breathily. I didn’t want to take this any further if she actually was tired and needed to rest. I could wait. Definitely. 

Tanya laughed again. “No, darling. I’ll never bee too tired to touch you. So I suggest you relax and let me handle things for you. I’m pretty sure you have at least two orgasms in you...” she flicked my clit   
again.

That was completely true. And it didn’t take long before she had coaxed the first one out of me. I was selfish enough to just surrender myself completely to her, but tomorrow... Oh, tomorrow I would   
make this about her!


	4. A Serious Case Of "I'd Rather Stay At Home"

The sound of my alarm blaring was merciless. Loud and screeching and terrible. But not half as terrible as the curse words Tanya let out when the sound woke her. “For fucks sake, turn it off! My head is gonna fucking explode!”

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” I said and fumbled blindly to find my phone. I couldn’t see much because of the way Tanya’s hair was in my face. My attempts were definitely weak. The alarm kept blaring, and Tanya kept cursing. “Fucking hell, just. Turn. It. Off!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying!” I said and finally pushed Tanya’s hair out of my face and grabbed the phone. I switched off the alarm and flopped back on the bed with a deep sigh. Right, yeah, I was supposed to go to work today. Oh god, why? Tanya and I had been up until very late. Tanya had been merciless last night. Had coaxed moans and half-choked screams from me. And the result was stickiness between my thighs and discarded clothes on the floor. Tanya had touched and kissed, licked and sucked, but she had evaded all my attempts at repaying the favor. She was too tired, she had laughed. And yet she had still managed to coax several orgasms out of me. So much for being tired, apparently. 

But she looked really tired now, I had to admit. Her hair was a mess of curls spread out on the pillow, and she was wearing that nightshirt she had demanded that I “borrowed” to her. But to my surprise, she was also awake. Her voice was muffled as she spoke into the pillow: “why the fuck is it that you have to be up this early?”

“I don’t know,” I said meekly. “Want me to play hookie?”

She laughed. That hoarse and sexy laughter of hers. “That would probably be a really bad idea don’t you think?”

I scooted closer to her. “I dunno about that. I could... you know, spend the day with you instead.”

“That’s nice, but I don’t think your boss will be thrilled.”

“Good ol’ Ingrid,” I said a bit absentmindedly as I looked at Tanya and the way her hair spread out on the pillow. Fuck, she was just so gorgeous in the morning!

She laughed again and slowly lifted her head from the pillow. Not a single pillow mark in her face. Obviously. I sighed. How did she manage to look so perfect all the time? 

“What are you staring at?” she challenged. 

“You. Obviously.”

“You’re creepy,” she said plainly.

“Am I?” I wiggled closer to her and tugged the collar on her borrowed shirt down some so I could kiss her shoulder. 

Tanya shivered slightly at that, but her voice remained unimpressed as she said: “Don’t you have somewhere to be, Swanson?”

“I have,” I confirmed. “But there are places I’d rather be. Like, in bed. With my girlfriend.”

Tanya snorted a little. “You tend to get pretty mushy after sex. Did you know that?”

“You love it,” I told her and kissed her shoulder again. 

“I do not.”

“You totally do.”

She groaned dramatically as she rolled onto her back. “Mara, it’s-“ she grabbed my arm so she could glance at the watch on my wrist. “-six fifteen in the morning. I’ve been working non-stop for a month.   
Please do me a favor and shut up.”

“Okay, okay,” I laughed. “I’m sorry. I’ll get out of your hair.”

“The bed’s gonna be empty then,” she stated plainly as she sat up. “Might as well get out of bed.”

“Not on my account, please.”

“It’s too late,” Tanya teased. “You’ve already ruined my beauty sleep.”

“Aww,” I cooed. “But you’re already beautiful as it is.”

“Really?” she said sardonically and ran her fingers through her messy hair. “I could have sworn that I look distinctly un-beautiful right now.”

“Bullshit. You never look anything but beautiful.”

Tanya laughed and shook her head. “Mara, Mara, what am I going to do with you?”

“I dunno,” I shuffled closer to her again. “Seems like you did plenty last night.”

She bared her perfect white teeth in a grin. “I did, didn’t I?”

I shivered involuntarily when a memory from last night popped into my brain. My hands fisted in her blonde hair. Her head between my thighs....

Tanya laughed, and I had a pretty good idea that we were thinking about the same thing. 

“You didn’t come at all last night!” I stated. 

She shrugged. “I was tired.”

“Or maybe you enjoyed the feeling of telling me “no touching”,” I suggested.

She grinned again. “Maybe.”

“You are pretty kinky, Goldstein,” I half-laughed. 

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “You’ve seen nothing yet.”

I groaned. “Okay, but I am definitely not going to work today! I am gonna stay right here and then we’re going to talk lots more about your kinky side.”

“Or,” Tanya drawled. “You could be a really good girl and go to work.”

“And what you’re gonna do while I work?”

“I’m gonna sit on my ass and watch television and refuse to move until you come home,” Tanya yawned. 

“You suck,” I grumbled. 

“Is that any way to talk to the woman who gave you five orgasms last night?” she said nonchalantly as she hopped out of bed. 

No, she was probably right about that. This was definitely not the way to talk to someone who had made my head spin like it did last night. I settled for groaning in dramatic agony as I followed her example and hopped out of bed. She slipped my blue bathrobe over the shirt she was wearing, and then she opened her suitcase at last. Found a pair of black stockings. But instead of grabbing a shirt, she rose from her crouching position and peered into my closet. After a moments consideration, she grabbed another one of those oversized men’s shirts I so favored to “hang out in” during the weekend. This one was white with a line of gold buttons. 

“You’re stealing my clothes again,” I said and clicked my tongue in mock disdain. 

“Ooops. My bad,” Tanya said flatly. “You like it when I steal your clothes.”

“I do?”

“You do,” she turned her head and flashed me a little half-smirk over her shoulder. “And now I’m gonna take a shower. I would have asked you to come along, but you’re on a schedule today.”

“I wish that I wasn’t,” I mumbled. “And I’ll definitely make up for it tonight!”

“Oh?” her voice was silky soft now. “And what’s tonight, Ma-ra?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know....how about five orgasms?” 

Her smile immediately became wicked. “Well, well. That’s bold, Swanson.”

“Don’t think I can make you come five times, Goldstein?”

“Well, that remains to be seen, doesn’t it?” she said in an almost cooing matter. “Either way, I’m looking forward to it.” 

“I’m gonna cancel work and spend the day in bed with you instead!”

“Sure you will, darling. Sure you will.” Her voice was soft as honey. “I’m gonna take a shower. And don’t worry, I’ll make it a quick one. I don’t want you to be late.” With that she left the bedroom. Left me   
to my sexual fantasies and my utmost disdain about going to work on this particular morning. I hadn’t really thought about how rough it would be to leave for work while Tanya was still here. God damnit. I would have to get better at that. 

I sighed as I hauled a long t-shirt out of my closet and slipped it on. Getting dressed when I was supposed to shower in a second seemed ridiculous. The long t-shirt and a bathrobe would have to suffice for now. I tried not to think too much of Tanya in the shower as I trotted into the hallway. 

In the kitchen I ran into Angie. Unlike me she was dressed. And annoyed. Her good morning was the most ungenuine one I had ever heard. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I reached into the fridge and grabbed the oatmeal. 

Angie took a large gulp of her cup of coffee before answering. “If you and Tanya don’t keep it down, I’ll fucking move out.”

“Oh.” I nodded sheepishly. “Yep. Got it.” 

Angie finally laughed a little bit. “I get that she has been gone for a month, but seriously?”

“I hear what you’re saying,” I mumbled and felt my cheeks flush. 

She laughed again. “Good thing Cooper didn’t stick around. He would have been scared for life. Exactly like I am right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For some reason I don’t believe you at all,” she said and wagged a finger in my face. “But anyway, I’m gonna crash at Cooper’s tonight. That should give you and Tanya plenty of time to do whatever the   
hell it is you’re doing.” She shook her head and took another gulp of her coffee. 

I followed her example and poured myself a nice cup of coffee. I really needed something to wake me up on this particular morning. My head felt a little floaty. Filled to the brim with thoughts of Tanya   
and all the deliciously wicked things she had done to me last night. I hoped that I would get the opportunity to do the same wicked things to her tonight. It was Friday. There would be no work tomorrow.   
Meaning that we could stay in bed for as long as we damn well wanted... Mmm!

“Where’s Tanya?” Angie interrupted my train of naughty thoughts. “Still in bed?”

“Nope, in the shower. She chose to get out of bed for some reason.”

Angie mock gasped. “Did you wake her?” 

“Not intentionally.”

She gasped again. “You are a terrible girlfriend!”

“I’m sure she’d agree with you on that one,” I laughed and thought of Tanya’s look of satisfaction last night. 

Angie gave me nudge. “You look like a goofy idiot, Swanson. Wake up. You’re supposed to have breakfast.”

I blinked. She had a point there. I was actually supposed to get a move on. So that was exactly what I did. I made breakfast for myself and wondered whether I should make something for Tanya as well. Maybe she wasn’t hungry right now. Sometimes she didn’t eat breakfast. She had told me that at some point, and even though I was horrified, I couldn’t exactly do anything about it. 

Angie and I were halfway through breakfast when Tanya showed up in the kitchen. She was literally just wearing a pair of stockings and the oversized men’s shirt with the golden buttons she had stolen from me, but she still looked like a million bucks. She had belted the oversized shirt and enhanced her waistline and curvy hips. Her blonde hair was slightly wet and pushed backwards away from her face. Her lips had been painted red, and her long lashes looked even longer and fuller thanks to the mascara she was wearing.

“Good morning,” Angie greeted and sounded a little tired. She was probably still recovering from overhearing our shenanigans. 

“Good morning,” Tanya said lightly. “Is there anymore coffee left?”

“Oh yes. I saved you some,” I said sweetly. 

“Well aren’t you a cute one,” she said and only sounded half-sarcastic. She went over to the cupboard and grabbed herself a cup. 

I studied her. “You look nice, but aren’t you a little overdressed for staying home?” 

“I just remembered that I can’t stay home,” she replied. “I have a meeting.”

“You do? What kind of meeting?”

“Well, I’ve been without a person assistant for a month,” Tanya said with a slight shrug. “Maybe I don’t need one terribly right now, but I am going to need one for the Golden Globe Awards and when we   
go to England.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “Yeah, that makes sense. So that’s what you’re doing today? Hiring a new P.A?”

“I certainly have an interview with one,” she said. “Let’s just hope it’s someone who won’t develop a crush on me and proceed to kiss me against my will.”

“Urgh,” I said and grimaced at the reminder. Fuck Beth and her fucking-

“The job interview will be at one, so don’t worry, it won’t affect our plans,” Tanya interrupted my murderous thoughts and took a sip of her coffee. 

“Great,” I said and flashed her a smile. 

“Indeed. I’m not planning on doing much until we’re going for to the Golden Globes,” Tanya said lazily. 

I nodded and felt a flicker of anxiety low in my gut. I had never been to the Golden Globes before. 

“Which reminds me that Alisha will be sending over some dresses for us to try on next week,” Tanya continued. 

“Alisha?” Angie echoed and looked rather curious. 

“My personal shopper,” Tanya said lightly. She flashed me a little smile. “You’re okay with trying on some dresses, right?”

“Sure,” I nodded and returned the smile. 

She frowned a little bit. “Should I ask her to send over some suits too? I forgot to ask you when I talked to Alisha.” 

“That could be really cool,” I grinned. 

“Alright. Is there a designer in particular you’d like to try on?”

I felt tempted to tell her that that wouldn’t be fair to that poor designer, but I held in the bad joke and said: “nah, I don’t think so. I don’t really... know that much about designers.”

“That’s not a problem,” Tanya assured. “I’ll just ask Alisha to send over a little bit of this and that, alright?”

“Sounds great. What are you gonna wear?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

Angie coughed into her breakfast. 

“Tanya,” I warned. 

She laughed. “I haven’t decided yet, okay? I do like red, but I’m wearing it so often it’s starting to feel like an everyday color for me. And Celeste wears a lot of red. I’d like people to see me and not the person I’m playing on screen. Maybe I’ll wear white,” she took another sip of her coffee and licked her lips. “Or maybe green. It would make my eyes stand out, I’m sure,” she absentmindedly tugged at the earrings she was wearing today. 

I tilted my head and studied the dangly earrings with the large emeralds.

“Those are very pretty,” Angie commented as she too looked at the earrings. “Are those the new ones you bought?”

“No, these are actually quite old,” Tanya replied and tugged lightly at the earrings again. “From the 1950’s. I inherited them from my grandmother.”

“Your grandmother?” I asked curiously. Tanya rarely spoke of her family. 

“Mhmm. Evelyn Goldstein. She liked pretty things, but she wasn’t that big on the family life,” Tanya said lightly. “Left Alaska when she was just fifteen because she wanted to see the world.”

“Was she an actress too?” I asked interested. 

“I wouldn’t say that. She did a bit of this and that. I’ve heard rumors that she sang in a nightclub at some point, but I’m not sure whether it’s true or not. Eventually she met my grandfather in Montana and married him, but as I said, she wasn’t that big on the family life. She stuck around long enough to get pregnant and give birth, but as soon as my father could take a bottle, off she went again.”

“Seriously?” I asked. “She left?”

“Mhmm. She came back to Montana, though. Eventually. Stayed for a while and then left again. She continued that pattern all through my father’s childhood. My grandfather did make some attempts to locate her at first, but he never succeeded. Apparently, she was very good at hiding. I didn’t get to know her until I was thirteen, and I’ll have you know she was one special lady. Sometimes I don’t know whether to admire her or think that she’s the reason every member of my family is so fucked up,” Tanya laughed heartily. 

But I didn’t. I could read between the lines. “You’re not fucked up.”

“Aren’t I?” Tanya teased and laughed again. She fiddled slightly with her earrings. “Anyway, she died two years at the grand old age of one hundred.”

“One hundred?!” 

“Mhmm. I can show you a picture of her sometimes if you’d like. I’ve been told that I look like her.”

“I’d love that,” I smiled Tanya. I liked hearing more about where she came from. 

“Wait a second,” Angie said suddenly. “You said her name was Evelyn Goldstein, right?”

“Mhmm.” 

“But that was before she met your grandfather.”

“Yep,” Tanya confirmed with a slight smile. “Goldstein was indeed her surname. Not his. She never used his. Even wrote it into her will that she wished to be buried under her surname. Not his.”

I tilted my head slightly as I looked at Tanya. 

“I legally changed my surname to Goldstein when I was eighteen,” she revealed. “And I hope you won’t ask my what my actual surname is, because I don’t feel like telling you.”

“I won’t ask,” I promised. 

“Good. Now, if you want a ride to work from me, I suggest you get your pretty ass in gear.”

“A ride?” I blinked. 

“Yes.” Tanya chuckled. “A ride. I’m goin’ that way, anyway, aren’t I?”

“Not complaining, but how am I gonna get home?” 

“I’ll pick you up,” she shrugged. “My meeting will definitely be done by then.”

“You wanna drive my car?” I teased. 

She made a face. “Absolutely not. No. We’ll take mine.”

“Yours? But it isn’t even here-“

“Isn’t it?” Tanya interrupted with a grin.

“Fred drove it here sometime last night,” I acknowledged. 

“Of course he did,” she chuckled. “You have to get used to this, Mara.”

I was about to answer when I heard my phone vibrate. A quick glance told me that I had gained over fifty new followers. Fifty!

“And that too,” Tanya added with a laugh, and I shook my head a little....

Twenty minutes later, I was sitting in Tanya’s Buick. I was bathed and dressed and not particularly eager to go to work. I would much rather spend the day with Tanya. I’d even go with her to that meeting. Just to make sure the person she was interviewing wasn’t someone with ill intentions. 

But obviously, I couldn’t do that. I had to go to work. Damnit. 

Tanya was still a rotten driver who cursed and honked at the other drivers, but today that only made me chuckle. I did not want to leave this car at all. 

But unfortunately, there was little to be done about it. Soon Tanya pulled up in front of Juicy Bits’ headquarter, and I had no choice but to unbuckle my seatbelt and get out of the car. I had sort of expected her to drop some sarcastic remark and then drive off with the tires screeching, but that didn’t happen. Instead she got out of the car and followed me towards the building. 

“Walking me to work now?” I half-teased.

“Maybe,” she said lightly as she slipped an arm around me. “I have to make sure you’re being good, don’t I?”

“Hilarious,” I said flatly. “Completely hysterical, Tanya.” 

“I know,” she said lightly and ran her fingers through her hair. 

I glanced at my brand-new watch and noted: “I still have five minutes before I have to be in there.” 

“You do, do you?” Tanya husked and I turned slightly because I could recognize a challenge when I heard it. She was wearing a pair of ridiculously high heels, so I had to stand on my tippy toes in order to be tall enough to kiss her. Tanya chuckled slightly into the kiss, then warned: “if you mess up my hair so help me god...”

“Don’t worry, miss actress,” I joked. “I shan’t touch your hair.”

“That’s right, you shan’t. At least not until later.” Her voice dropped to a whisper and she intertwined our fingers. 

Something tingled pleasantly low in my gut when I thought about the plans we had for later. It would be just me and her in the apartment. Oh, the opportunities!

Tanya smirked as though she knew exactly what I was thinking. Who knows, maybe she did. She squeezed my fingers slightly. “You look nice today.”

I snorted as I looked down at my “jeans and t-shirt”-outfit. “Yeah right.”

Tanya scoffed. “You don’t see what I see when you walk away wearing those jeans...” 

“Do you have an ass-fetish or something?” I teased her. 

She didn’t seem bothered by my teasing at all. “Maybe I do,” she said a bit musingly.

That’s when we were distracted by a car pulling up next to Tanya’s. I recognized the battered grey car, and I recognized and grinned as Boris jumped out of the car. Late as usual. He almost ran towards   
the building, but then stopped and almost stumbled. He clearly hadn’t anticipated to see Tanya Goldstein standing in front of the door. Most people hadn’t. Tanya’s presence affected most males. Cooper   
had looked pretty dizzy last night when Tanya had been in the apartment, and I couldn’t help but to find that funny. 

“Good morning,” Tanya said lightly. 

“Right. Uhh, good morning,” Boris said half-heartedly and flashed her a smile. “You’re back in Los Angeles?”

“As you can see,” Tanya confirmed and jokingly made a “ta-dah”-motion. “I was just saying goodbye to Mara. Isn’t that right, dear?” she flashed me her dazzling Hollywood smile. 

“Right,” I said and chuckled. God, she was impossible.

“I’ll just... leave you to it then,” Boris said and walked up the steps only to stumble slightly. “Oops.” 

“Have a nice day,” Tanya singsong’ed after him as he went inside, and I gave her a nudge. “Seriously?”

“Yes. Incredibly so,” she drawled. Then she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. She kissed my cheek. It could have been a sweet embrace, but I had a feeling that there was more to it   
than just that. And I was right. I shivered when I suddenly felt her lips very close to my ear. I damn nearly jumped and could feel how the goosebumps erupted on my skin. Suddenly I was burning like I had burned for her last night.

“Tanya,” I muttered in warning. “I don’t think this is-“

“Your work better not drag out,” she murmured lowly thoroughly ignoring my weak comment, and I could have sworn I felt her teeth graze my earlobe for a splits second. Fucking hell.

“You still owe me five.” Tanya concluded her sentence. Then she kissed my cheek again, and after a moment she released me completely. 

I shivered again and wished that I had something brilliantly sassy I could say to her. But as always, she had managed to find a weak spot and make good use of it. 

“Have a nice day, darling,” she singsong’ed as she turned around and walked back to her car.

I knew that I was supposed to head inside and begin my work day. But the sight of Tanya walking away kept me hovering by the door. I felt like one lucky bastard. To think that I was able to watch her walk   
away every single day. Watch how her hips swayed gracefully and her long legs flexed. And obviously, the way her ass moved, but I was too much of a “gentleman” to even think about that.

When she reached the car, she turned around, flashed me a smile and jokingly blew me an air kiss. I barely managed to wave back. I was much too entranced by the way the emeralds in her earrings shone in the faint sunlight. A wicked smile formed on my lips as an even more wicked plan formed in my head. 

Was it possible that I could coax her into wearing those earrings in bed tonight?


	5. Seduction and Sushi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely NSFW!!

Finally, the worlds longest day at work was coming to an end and I could slam my laptop shut. I had no idea how I had managed to not get into trouble with Ingrid, because I felt like I had done squad today. At least when it came to actually doing what I was supposed to do. My mind had been extremely busy. Busy thinking about Tanya. 

I grinned dopily to myself as I stuffed my laptop into my bag and zipped said bag. Or attempted to. The zipper seemed to be stuck. 

“Look at you being all happy,” Jackie commented with something I could have recognized as jealousy if I had paid more attention. 

“Mhmm,” I said vaguely, still wrestling with the zipper. Ridiculous thing. Maybe it was broken or something. 

“Big plans tonight?” she asked, now definitely sour-sounding. 

“Nah.” Maybe Tanya and I did have plans tonight, but that wasn’t something Jackie needed to know. That was something between Tanya and me. I finally managed to zip the bag and shifted my attention to my jacket which I had slung across the back of my chair when I sat down. Now I grabbed the jacket and fumbled to slip my arms through the sleeves. I didn’t have time for fumbling. Not when I was this eager to go home. 

“Nice watch,” Jackie commented as she glanced at my right wrist. “Present?”

“Yeah,” I said nonchalantly and bit the inside of my cheek not to say something to her. This wasn’t the first time where Jackie had displayed some immature behavior and shown a little too much interest in my private life. Of course I knew that she’d had some sort of crush on me, but I had hoped that it would lessen. It hadn’t though, and now I was sort of considering what to do about it. If it didn’t stop, maybe I had no choice but to take the confrontation with her. Which sounded pretty dramatic, but I could vividly remember Beth’s crush on Tanya and what that had brought on. Not that I was a celebrity or anything, and I doubted that Jackie would ever try something on with me, but still, it was good to be on top of things. Avoid disasters and all that. 

I shrugged on my jacket and when I turned around to grab my bag, I nearly collided with Leo who was on the brink of leaving the office too. 

“Watch it, Rossi,” I joked. 

“Watch it yourself, Swanson,” he retorted and grinned. “Someone’s in a hurry.”

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t, Swanson. Sure you don’t.”

I mock sneered at him, and as to prove how much not-in-a-hurry I was, I grabbed the cup of coffee I had made for myself a little earlier. The coffee was cold now, but I was willing to gobble it all down if it could prove that I definitely not was in a hurry. I even sat back down in my office chair. Which felt kinda stupid seeing that I was already wearing my jacket, but I refused to let my colleagues think that I was “whipped” or something. I already knew that I was whipped, but I didn’t need others to know it.

Clack-clack-clack-clack. 

I wasn’t the only one who looked up at the sound of heels clicking against the floor. Boris and Leo and Jackie followed my example even though they were in various states of packing their stuff, and I snickered because I only knew one person who walked in that determinated, fast way. Approximately ten seconds after I had started to chuckle, the door to the circular office opened, and Tanya stepped in. Her hair was still hanging loose, but she had shrugged a tweed trench coat over the oversized men’s shirt I knew she was wearing underneath. She had some sort of large brown envelope wedged under her arm.

“Why hello,” I chuckled, amused that she had decided to come all the way into the office to pick me up. “What are you doing here?”

“Not happy to see me?” she scoffed and rolled her emerald eyes. 

“Extremely unhappy,” I assured her and chuckled again. 

She made a noise of pure disdain and scanned my supposed relaxed position on the chair. “I thought you were ready to go.” 

“I am,” I said and waved my cup in her direction. “I’m just drinking the rest of this.”

Her heels clack-clack-clack’ed against the floor as she walked over to me. With the grace of a panther in the jungle, she nonchalantly sat down on the edge of the desk and dumped the envelope on the   
table. “Is that coffee?” she asked and nodded towards the cup in my hand. 

“It is,” I confirmed. 

“Oh, good. Let’s have a sip then,” Tanya said briskly and waved her long fingers in the direction of my coffee. 

I narrowed my eyes. “You want my coffee?”

“Just a sip. I’ve just had a meeting and absolutely zero coffee.” She waved her hand at my coffee cup again. “Come on. Pleeeaaase?” 

“Alright, alright,” I said and handed her the cup of coffee. Hearing Tanya beg was obviously delightful, but maybe not right in the middle of the office. 

“Thank you, darling,” Tanya said a bit sardonically as she lifted the cup and took a sip of the coffee. “Oh my god, that tastes so good!”

I raised an eyebrow. That was probably the first time I’d heard anyone saying that about the coffee in the office, but if you were desperate enough...

“How did the meeting go?” I asked while she was gingerly drinking my coffee.

Tanya shrugged. “Fairly reasonable.”

“And what’s in that envelope?” Boris piped up and gawked curiously at the large brown envelope Tanya had tossed on the table.

Tanya laughed now. “Oh, Boris... if I told you that, I would have to kill you, wouldn’t I?”

“Is it a manuscript?” he pressed. 

“No comment. I’m just here to pick up Mara. Not to make a show.”

I snorted, because she was definitely here to make a show. She knew exactly what kind of reaction she got out of people when she showed up like this. Sometimes I couldn’t quite believe that I was dating her. That she was here for me. 

Tanya downed the rest of her coffee and exhaled deeply. “Aaah. That’s better.” She flashed me a half-smile. “I was thinking of ordering sushi tonight. You feel up for sushi?”

“Oh yeah. I always feel up for sushi,” I assured.

“Great. Are you ready to go then, or should I treat myself to another cup of coffee from your excellent automat?” she asked dryly.

“As you can see, I’m completely ready,” I told her and gestured towards my jacket and zipped bag. 

“Excellent.” Tanya elegantly hopped off the table and sat the now empty cup down. “Then I suggest we get going.” 

“I agree,” I chuckled and stood from the office chair. The movement was a little too rapid, and the chair rolled directly into the desk which made the empty cup fall over. The clattering sound echoed in the   
office. “Oops.”  
“Klutz.” Tanya deadpanned. 

“Shut up.”

The door to Ingrid’s office was slammed open, and the “boss of the house” appeared in her usual fury. “What on earth is that noise?! It sounded like a horde of elephants trampling around! Surely, it can’t be that hard to leave the office in pea-“ she cut herself off and found a completely different and oh, so sweet tone upon spotting Tanya. “Miss Goldstein. How lovely to see you again.”

“Hello, Ingrid,” Tanya said honey-sweetly. “It’s very nice to see you too.”

I gnashed my teeth. 

“I hope I haven’t made too much noise,” Tanya continued. “I’m just here to pick up Mara.” She glanced at me. “Isn’t that right, darling?” 

I nodded halfheartedly. 

“How nice,” Ingrid said and flashed Tanya a warm smile. “So you’re back in Los Angeles now?”

“I am,” Tanya confirmed. “And I’m looking forward to being able to relax and spend time with my girlfriend.” She flashed me a sweet-as-can-be smile, and I bit back a groan. Damn her for putting on a show in front of Ingrid. 

“That’s very nice,” Ingrid said benignly and put on her best professional-boss lady-smile for Tanya. “And can I ask how the filming went?”

“It went well. At least I think it did. There’s really no way of telling until the series air, is there?”

“Oh, I’m fairly certain it went better than “well”, miss Goldstein,” Ingrid said sweetly, and I rolled my eyes. Damn, my boss couldn’t have been any less obvious when sucking up to Tanya. 

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say,” Tanya said and returned the smile tenfold. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Leo shift a little on his feet as though he found it hard to stand upright when Tanya was smiling like that. He probably DID find it hard to stand upright. Because so did I.

“Anyway, as I said, I’m just here to pick up Mara. I hope I haven’t disrupted anything,” Tanya continued, still smiling. 

“Of course not, miss Goldstein,” Ingrid quickly assured. “You have a lovely day.”

“Thank you, Ingrid. You too.”

Ingrid flashed Tanya another smile and then she disappeared back into her office. 

Tanya chuckled. “That was fun.” 

“I hate you,” I muttered. 

“No, you don’t,” she said lightly and pushed a lock of blonde hair away from her face.

“Could you at least TRY to not charm the pants off my boss?”

Tanya wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think she’s quite my type, darling.”

“I hope not.”

“There’s only one person I’m interested in charming,” she said and did a “L’Oréal movement” that send her blonde hair tumbling over her shoulder. “But if you don’t hurry the fuck up, I’ll be going home alone.” She grabbed the envelope, and her heels clack-clack-clack’ed as she crossed the floor and headed towards the door. 

I rolled my eyes and slung the bag over my shoulder. “See you on Monday,” I said over my shoulder.

“See you,” Boris chuckled. 

Leo said nothing. He still seemed under the Tanya Goldstein-influence. 

Tanya and I headed out of the building and to the parking lot where her Buick was parked. She thrusted one hand into her pocket and tossed the key at me. “Here. You’ll drive.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Yes. You keep complaining about the way I drive,” she scoffed, and I got a glimpse of her long legs as she climbed onto the passenger’s seat.

I grinned to myself as I first tossed my bag onto the backseat and then tossed myself onto the driver’s seat. “Sweet!”

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” Tanya advised and made a big deal out of buckling her seatbelt.

“You’re the rotten driver,” I reminded her. “Not me.” I inserted the key into the ignition and twisted it once. The car came alive with a ferocious roar that scared the crap out of me. “Woah!”

“The old girl doesn’t like you,” Tanya commented and fished her phone out of her pocket. 

“Clearly not.” I frowned slightly as I maneuvered the car out of the parking lot. “So, what’s really in that envelope?”

“Fan mail. I’ll read it tomorrow.”

“You always read all the fan mail?”

“Of course I do,” Tanya said with a soft chuckle. “I think it’s very sweet, don’t you?”

“It definitely is,” I smiled. “Can I read some of it?”

“You can read all of it. Unless it’s a dirty letter,” Tanya laughed. 

“You get dirty letters?!” 

“Sometimes.”

I grimaced. “That’s awful! Please tell me it’s nothing too bad!”

Tanya shrugged. “Depends. I had a couple of explicit ones explaining in detail exactly what he wanted to do to me-“

“I am going to murder-“

“Mara,” she interrupted with a soft chuckle. “It’s a part of being an actress. As we both know, there’s a couple of crazyheads in between sometimes. But I mostly just laugh it off.”

“But it isn’t funny! People shouldn’t write that kind of gross stuff to you!”

Tanya gave my knee a little squeeze. “You are such a bulldog sometimes,” she said affectionately. 

I grumbled under my breath and wasn’t completely sure whether I liked that description, but right now I sort of felt like a bulldog. I didn’t like the idea of Tanya receiving dirty letters one bit. It made me feel all sorts of protective. 

Tanya didn’t seem all too concerned though, and when we reached a traffic light, I had another question for her: “how did the meeting go? Did you find a new PA?”

“Not yet, but I did ask a guy to come in for a second interview,” she replied and tugged lightly at the emerald earrings she was still wearing. “Seemed very competent and experienced. And positively head over heels for Genevieve, so that’s a very positive thing.” 

I grinned to myself. I knew that finding someone who could get along with Tanya’s beloved cat was the main thing. Tanya’s personal assistant was bound to spend many hours with Genevieve aside from   
taking calls and fetching meals for Tanya. 

“You think you’ll hire him?” I asked. 

“I think so, yes. He seemed like a very good match. Older chap, brilliant purple glasses and a velvet suit to die for. I might ask him to loan it to me for the Golden Globe,” Tanya joked. 

“You’re going to wear a suit?” I asked and felt an immediate pull in my gut. Tanya in a suit was a sight worth dying for, in my humble opinion. 

“You’ll find out next week,” she teased.

“Or you could just tell me now?”

“Not a chance, Swanson.” She very much looked like she was about to say something more, but she was interrupted when her phone went off in her pocket. She pulled the phone out of her pocket and groaned upon checking the screen. “Oh no!”

“What’s wrong?” I asked slightly alarmed. 

She didn’t answer me. She just rolled her eyes dramatically, brought the phone up to her ear and said: “good evening, slave whipper.”

Oh. I chuckled. Now I knew exactly who was calling her. Eileen Trainor (very appropriate name!) was Tanya’s personal trainer and slave whipper. According to Tanya she was as tough as a nail, had a voice   
like a rusty hinge, but was amazing when it came to relaxing cramped muscles after a hard workout. I had immediately offered to be the one to do that, but Tanya had laughed and said that while I had   
“exceptionally clever hands”, Eileen’s hands were talented in other ways when it came to relaxing muscles.

“Tomorrow?” Tanya almost screeched. “No way in hell! Tomorrow is Saturday, Eileen! I refuse to move a muscle at least until Monday! Yes. Monday.”

I chuckled to myself again, and Tanya gave my arm a not too gentle whap. “I have a fitting at Wednesday, but I’m free for the rest of the week, so... Tuesday? Hmm. Yes. Alright. I suppose I better get back to it sooner rather than later. Did my dietician reach out to you? Great. Alright. Yes. I’ll see you then. Can’t say that I’m looking forward to it, but...” she laughed. “Alright then. Bye-bye.” She ended the call and fiddled with her phone. 

“Workout?” I guessed. 

“Unfortunately, yes. And now I’m gonna switch off my phone for the rest of the day.”

“You are?”

“Yes. I refused to be distracted by anything.”

“Aww,” I cooed. “You wanna spend the day with me.”

“Well, you do still owe me an orgasm. In fact you owe me five,” she said completely nonchalantly, and I damn nearly crashed the car...

We arrived at my apartment. I parked the car and we headed up the (many) stairs and into the apartment. Genevieve wasn’t to be seen anywhere, and I figured she had gone to “hide” in Angie’s room. She often did that when she was home alone, and Angie found it to be positively adorable. She loved Genevieve as much as Tanya did. 

“Home sweet home,” I half-joked as I dumped my bag on the floor, shrugged off my jacket and toed off my shoes. 

“Indeed,” Tanya said as she followed my example and took of her shoes. She strode into the kitchen and dumped the massive envelope on the floor. It landed with a heavy thud, and I wondered just how much fan mail she had actually received. 

I followed her into the kitchen where she was standing nonchalantly leaned against the wall and smirking at me. I raised an eyebrow. “What’s with the smirk?”

“I wasn’t aware that I was smirking,” she claimed. 

“You totally are.”

“I think you’re just imagining things, Mara-darling,” she drawled. 

“You are so enjoying calling me that,” I grumbled. 

She chuckled and toyed with the emerald green earrings she was still wearing. I did nothing to hide the fact that I was openly ogling her. Finally I could do that without receiving comments or being laughed at by anyone. Well, except for her, but I was kinda used to her laughing at me by now. 

She ran her fingers through her blonde hair and flashed me another little smile. 

“You know, it’s kinda unnerving when you smile at me like that. I’m almost starting to think that you’ve missed me while you were in New York,” I joked. 

“Oh, darling, I barely had time to think about you,” she said smoothly and ran her fingers through her hair. 

Maybe it was a huge cliché, but I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her. I needed to touch her right now. I walked over to her and put my hands on her hips. Gave a little squeeze. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow. “What are you up to?”

“Just trying to take advantage of the fact that we’re alone,” I told her and fiddled with the belt in her trench coat. “Why are you still wearing this?” 

She smirked again. “Maybe I’m waiting for you to do it, darling.”

Challenge accepted. I immediately loosened the belt in the trench coat and then began to unbutton it. 

Tanya’s smirk grew, and as soon as the trench coat was fully unbuttoned, I understood why. She was no longer wearing the men’s shirt and belt. Instead she was wearing a green lace nightgown with a deep plunging V-neck that went all the way down to her navel before it wrapped around her curvy hips and ass. The nightgown barely covered her thighs.

“Oh hell no,” I muttered as I let my eyes roam over her body. “There’s no way in hell you came to my work wearing this!”

“No, you’re right, I changed in the car before walking inside,” she scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Of course I wore this. I don’t do things half assed.”

“Jesus, you are unbelievable!”

She cocked her head. “Are you saying that you don’t like it?”

“Oh shut up,” I scoffed.

“How rude,” she said and tried to wiggle out of my grasp, but I was having none of it. I kept my hands firmly planted on her hips. “Oh no you don’t,” I growled. Then I slammed our lips together in a fierce kiss that had her tethering slightly, but I didn’t care. God, I couldn’t believe the nerve of her! She had picked me up at work. She had been sitting on my desk. We’ve had normal conversations in the car.   
And all this time she had been wearing THAT underneath that fucking trench coat of hers. Tanya Goldstein had nerves of steel, and damn, I was grateful for it! 

“So you do like it,” Tanya said as she pushed me back to get some air. “Good to know.”

“Sometimes I can’t believe the nerve of you,” I half-groaned as I slid my hands up her body until I could cup her breasts. 

“It’s a very thick coat, Mara. Very thick indeed,” she chuckled. 

I kissed her again and gave her a little shove that had her tethering backwards. Without breaking the kiss I gave her another nudge, and she tethered again. Towards the wall. She probably hadn’t been intended to, but it suited me just fine, and I snickered as I gave her another shove and she ended up pressed against the wall. 

“What are you up to?” she queried and raised an eyebrow. 

“Number one,” I said simply as I pressed her a little firmer against the wall. 

“Right here?” she asked, and I smirked because I could tell that she was impressed by my spontaneity. 

“Yes,” I breathed in her ear and gave the lobe a little nibble. “Right here.”

“Well, well. By all means, go ahead. Do your worst, Swanson,” she challenged. 

And oh, how I did. I kissed her again. Hard and teasingly, I nibbled at her bottom lip and earned myself a groan from her. Her hands landed on my ass, kneading harshly. It was my turn to moan into her mouth, my turn to groan. She gave my ass a firm squeeze, and I was sure she was grinning into the kiss. I lowered my hands to her breasts and kneaded the globes. I could feel how she went slack for a moment, and I felt every bit triumphant. 

“Having fun?” I asked her and nuzzled my nose against the side of her cheek. 

“Yes,” Tanya said simply. Her cheeks were already reddening, and her green eyes were sparkling. 

“’Yes’?” I echoed and grinned. “Just ‘yes’? are you actually letting me have the upper hand for once?”

She scoffed. “Make no mistake. I could easily shift the power if that was what I wanted.” 

“So you ARE letting me have the upper hand.”

“Yes. I’m horny and I want to be pampered,” she drawled and raised an eyebrow. “And right now you’re talking rather than doing something about-“

I cut her off by kissing her again while kneading her breasts. After a moment, I gave her neck a kiss. Then another. I couldn’t quite resist pulling and tugging at the skin, and she hissed a little and her head lolled to the side to give me better access.

“How could you be bold enough to wear this under your coat?” I asked while I began tugging at her nightgown. No doubt it was a sexy little thing, but right now I needed it off of her body. 

She smiled teasingly. “I like to live dangerously, darling.”

I groaned . “What if someone had seen?” I said and tugged at the nightgown again. 

“No one did.”

“Someone could have.”

“No they couldn’t.”

I groaned. “God, you’re so annoying sometimes.”

“And yet here you are. Pressing me against a wall.”

“Yep. Here I am. Pressing you against the wall,” I confirmed with a chuckle and made a triumphant “aha!”-sound when I managed to ruck up the nightgown and bare her gloriously naked lower body. I   
swallowed hard and licked my lips when I looked at her pussy. 

“Seeing something you like?” Tanya drawled and parted her thighs slightly to give me a full view. 

“You know it,” I murmured and ran a hand down her thighs.

She shivered and a deep sigh of content escaped her. She was an absolute vision as she stood there with her nightgown partially rucked up and a little smile on her lips. I had to kiss those lips, and I felt how they effortlessly followed my rhythm and molded against mine. A rarity. Tanya normally was the one who steered our kisses. She was clearly letting me “handle things” tonight. I was damn well gonna take advantage of that! Many, many times! I zeroed in on her inner thighs and began to stroke them in that particular way I knew she loved. 

“Mmm,” she hummed, and her arms looped around my neck. “I think you might be on to something.”

“Oh, I KNOW that I’m on to something,” I chuckled as I slowly inched my fingers closer to where she was wet and warm. I loved seeing her reaction to the way my fingers moved. I loved seeing how her breathing sped up and her skin flushed. The way her fingers gripped my shoulders and squeezed. 

“You are so hot!” I told her and landed another kiss on her neck. I could feel how her skin vibrated slightly as she chuckled. 

“Yes, dear,” she said simply and rolled her hips a little. “But if I’m so hot, why aren’t you touching me properly?”

“Patience, Tan,” I teased. 

“I’m going to kill you,” she vowed. “In the messiest way possible!” 

“You are pretty dark sometimes. You know that, right?” I said nonchalantly as I finally caved and cupped her pussy.

“Oh fuck!” she hissed, and her grip on my shoulders grew lax for a second.

I snickered and knew that I was being a bit of a dick when I ever so slowly ran a single finger through her folds. “Five, was it?”

“And so far, you’ve given me none. Don’t force me to do what I did in New York.” 

My finger stilled momentarily, and I narrowed my eyes as I looked at her. “What did you do in New York?”

She bared her teeth in a sly grin. “You were so far away...”

“And?” I growled. 

“Well, hearing your voice and seeing your pretty face and not being able to touch you or having you touch me was awfully frustrating,” Tanya husked. “So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands.”

I groaned and nibbled at her neck again. “And how often did that happen?”

“Every night,” she purred. 

“You’re kidding me.”

“Every. Single. Night,” she breathed and grabbed my wrist. Her fingers didn’t even shake as she pushed my fingers towards her dripping entrance. 

I moaned at the sensation. Now she was gripping my fingers and I groaned again as I looked down. She was lining two of my fingers with her entrance. 

“I used to imagine you doing this to me every night,” she said. “Every single night, baby.”

Oh, fuck. That little “baby” was enough to drive me crazy. She only ever called me baby when we were in this particular situation. 

“Are you gonna help me out this time?” she asked almost sweetly. “Or will I have to do it myself? Again.”

“Shut up,” I murmured, and with my free hand, I grabbed hers and pushed it away. “I’ve got this,” I assured and slid two fingers inside her. 

She immediately moaned and her head lolled to the side again. “That’s more like it.”

“Smartass.” I slowly began to pump my fingers inside her, and she gripped my shoulders again. That teasing little smile was back on her lips, and a moment later I understood why when I felt her do that thing where she squeezed around my fingers. She loved the snugness the sensation brought. That’s what she had told me at some point, and obviously, that had almost made me die on the spot. The conversation was still echoing in my head right now as I effortlessly curled my fingers and found her g-spot. I felt her arch forward at that, and I was pretty sure the way her muscles clenched around my fingers wasn’t deliberate this time. And I also noticed that it had been a while since she last had spoken. Huh. Normally she never shut up. 

“Should I be worried?” I asked half-seriously as I brushed my fingers against her g-spot again. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” she hissed and released her bottom lip from its toothy cage. 

“You’re so....quiet,” I snickered. ”Am I doing it wrong?”

“Idiot,” Tanya scoffed, and her hips bucked. “I’ve been...using my voice- oh, fuck!- a lot. For the past- hmmm!- month!” 

“Oh,” I snickered and kissed her neck. “I see.”

She huffed and did that thing where she squeezed around my fingers again. I moved my lips from her neck and to her mouth. I slipped my tongue in between her lips, and she moaned unabashedly as she buried her fingers in my hair and tugged harshly. The hint of concern I had been feeling immediately disappeared. There was the Tanya I knew and so adored. No reason to be worried at all. I felt her hips wiggle again, and she moaned into my mouth once more. 

She tugged at my hair, and when she moved again, I could feel how her inner thighs had gone slicker. Good. It had been impossible for me not to notice that she hadn’t been as wet as she normally was.   
She had clearly needed a bit of extra time to get there. Being away at work for a month where lots of things were going on all the time had to be stressful for her. That was why she had dodged my attempts at reciprocating last night. Maybe she had known that getting to that place where she could fully relax and let go was gonna be difficult or maybe not even gonna happen at all. That was why she had insisted on making last night all about me. 

I broke the kiss and nuzzled my nose against the side of her neck. “You could have told me.” 

“Told you w-what?” she gritted out. 

Instead of answering her, I kissed her again. Softly at first, but as her grip in my hair tightened, with more heat. I bit down gently at her bottom lip and earned myself something that sounded like a half-sob. Oh. She didn’t make that sound too often. Normally, I was the one to sound like a madwoman. 

After a moment Tanya broke the kiss and groaned: “oh, fuck, Mara! Don’t stop!”

“Never!” I assured her and twisted my hand so I could press the heel against her clit. She arched forward and it felt like she was trying to rip the hair out of my head. Which wasn’t a problem at all. I loved   
when she “let the animal out” like she was doing right now.

“You’re soaked,” I observed. NOW she was getting there! I felt giddy because of it. God forbid she wasn’t properly satisfied!

“Oh, fuck, baby!” she hissed in response, and I straight up grinned. That word again. I would definitely make a point of teasing her about it later. And she would obviously deny to ever having called me it.   
That was how it normally went. Fuck, I had missed her. I had missed being with her like this, and I had missed our flirty banter. 

“I’m not letting you travel anywhere without me again,” I breathed into her ear. “Not without me.” I lowered my head and easily found her pulse point. One of her soft spots. One of many. 

“I’m so fucking- argh!” 

“Yes. You are,” I murmured against her neck. “I can feel it.” I pumped my finger faster inside her and could feel how her pussy gripped my fingers harder with each thrust. “You gonna come?” I asked and gave her neck a little nip. 

She huffed. “What do you thin- argh!”

I chuckled at the interrupted sentence. “Well, go on then, Goldstein. This is only number one. You have so much to look forward to. So many ways I’m gonna fuck you tonight.... You know, I think I might   
get on my knees for you the next time...”

She let out another little half-sob at that, and I knew exactly what she was thinking about right now. She loved my fingers, oh yes, but if I really wanted to drive her wild, I only had to use my mouth. That was the gateway to success. 

I lifted my free hand and gripped her chin. Her eyes were by some miracle still open, and her lips quivered in a little half-smile.

“I’ve missed you,” I said. I didn’t quite know where the sudden mood change came from, but I decided to just go with it.

So did Tanya. Her hips cantered forward, and she let out a strangled gasp. I could feel my fingers getting sticky, and I kept muttering words of encouragement until her forehead dropped and ended up resting against the top of my shoulder.

I took advantage of the vulnerability she displayed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Looks like we’re back in business, Goldstein.”

She let out something between a chuckle and a moan. “That was...”

“Needed?”

“Mhmm.” She lifted her head and somehow managed to smirk. “That was one.”

“It sure was. Think you can handle four more?” 

“Oh please,” she scoffed but then grimaced slightly as she gripped my shoulders to move herself away from the wall. “But not here. I appreciate the spontaneity, darling, but I’ve just spent the last couple   
of days on being thrown into walls...”

“Shit,” I frowned. “I completely forgot about that. Are you okay?”

“Don’t you think I look okay?” she half-laughed. “Now stop talking and give me what you owe me.”

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” I said with feigned politeness as I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the bedroom with me. It didn’t take long before I had her exactly how I wanted. On her back with her legs spread and her platinum blonde hair fanning out on the pillow. Her emerald earrings were shimmering slightly when she moved her head.

“I really like those earrings,” I murmured as I sat back on my heels so I could admire her. 

“Yes, you do,” Tanya said lightly. “They even matched the nightgown.”

“Yes, they did,” I agreed with her and smirked when I turned my head and glanced at the green nightgown, I so roughly had peeled off of her a second ago. The lace material was now lying on the floor. 

“Take off your shirt,” Tanya commanded. 

“Getting a bit bossy again,” I pointed out with a snicker but nevertheless lifted the top I was wearing and pulled it over my head. 

“Excellent. And the bra. I want to see you.” 

I gulped. As I always did when her voice dropped to that sultry whisper. I fumbled a bit as I reached back and unclipped the bra. Sliding it off my body, I looked back and Tanya and flashed her a slight   
grin. 

“Very nice,” she drawled. “Now fuck me.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I smirked up at her before lowering my mouth to her pussy and giving her a quick lick from entrance to clit. It had the desired effect. Her fingers instantly flew to my hair, and by the second lick she was already groaning and squirming. The dam had been broken, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would coax a second orgasm out of her. She tugged and yanked at my hair and soon the babbling started. One minute she was praising the gods, and the next she was praising me for fucking her exactly how she needed to be fucked. My ego would be ginormous by the end of this, and I felt more attracted to her than ever as I flicked my tongue in short, firm raps over her clit just the way she loved. She cried out and I could feel how the mattress creaked and squeaked as she wiggled. “Mara!” she hissed, but it sounded more like “Maaaraaa”. Fuck, I loved when she said my name like that! If I could chose one thing to play in my head for the rest of my life, it definitely would be this one. I teasingly pressed the very tip of my tongue right against her entrance. Never slipping it in, just teasing in that particular way I knew she loved. I could feel her thighs tremble on either side of my face, felt her body twist, and I lifted a hand and trailed it up her stomach until I felt her fingers closing around my wrist. She tugged my hand upwards, guided it to her breast, and I immediately took the not too subtle hint and began to knead her breast. A bit clumsily because I couldn’t very well see what I was doing, but Tanya still appreciated it and moaned in delight. 

I was every bit capable of multitasking tonight. I turned my attention to her swollen clit and began to give it slow, delicate licks with the flat of my tongue. That was how she liked it. First hard flicks, then slow licks and lastly deep sucks that would send her hurtling over the edge. 

“You’ll be the death of me,” she mumbled. 

If I had been in any position to chuckle, I definitely would. She had definitely found her “place”. I had brought her to it. Me. She was feeling this good because of me and what I was doing to her. How fucking awesome was that?! I gave her clit another long and languid lick, and she straight up yelled at that.

“Oh god, YES! Just like that! Don’t stop, baby! Keep going, oh god, keep going! I’m so fucking close!”

She didn’t have to tell me that. I already knew it. I could feel it in the way her thighs quaked. In the way her breathing sped up. And in the way the mattress creaked underneath us. Her fingers were in my hair again. Gripping and tugging at the short locks, and I finally wrapped my lips around her clit and began to suck. That coaxed another yell out of her. Another cry of pleasure. But she wasn’t praising any god anymore. Instead she was praising me. I could hear “Mara-Mara-Mara-yes-fuck-Mara-Mara!” amongst all the glorious curse words she let out. Sometimes I wondered how the fuck she managed not to curse whenever she was on set. But right now I didn’t wonder. I couldn’t wonder about anything when Tanya’s second orgasm came rushing like a tidal wave, more intense than the first one, and she cried out sharply and yanked so harshly at my hair it definitely felt like she was plucking it out of my scalp. Something she would never apologize for afterwards. She would just smirk and say that I would survive without that extra bit of hair. 

I carefully kept up what I was doing to make sure I was properly seeing her through this. She hadn’t had this in a month. She damn well deserved to be properly taken care of. After a moment or so, I felt her relax again. Her thighs flattened out against the mattress and her grip on my hair loosened. I took that as a cue and released her now most likely oversensitive clit with a slight pop. 

“Son of a goddamn-“ she never finished the sentence, but this time I couldn’t help but chuckle against her thigh. 

“Oh, shut up,” Tanya huffed. “I can feel your smugness.”

“I’m definitely not being smug,” I lied and smirked as I came to lie beside her. 

She huffed. Definitely not believing me. 

I ignored the look on her face and brushed a hand over her right breast. Her rosy nipples were swollen. “That looks achy,” I commented. 

“It is,” she said and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. 

“That was two,” I told her as I lightly began to roll her swollen nipple between my fingers. “Three most left, Goldstein. Still think you can handle it?”

“Oh, please,” she scoffed. “I can feel my legs, Swanson.” 

“You can? Well, we better do something about that, huh?” in one swift motion I was on top of her and lowered my mouth to her nipple. I took it between my lips and began to suck. During my first night at   
Tanya’s place, I had discovered that if she was properly riled up, she could come from solely having her breasts stimulated, and obviously I had to take advantage of that right now. I licked and sucked at her nipple while making sure to touch and caress her other breast. After a moment I released her nipple and paid some special attention to her areola and then the underside of her breast. No part of her breast would be left unattended tonight, I was making sure of that. She would get all the satisfaction she could possibly take. And more. 

“You asshole. I wish you never had found out about this,” she grumbled underneath me, and I could feel her shift. I was pretty sure she was squeezing her legs together. I almost chuckled at that but then remembered what I was doing and concentrated on the task at hand. Making Tanya Goldstein come a third time. I took her nipple in my mouth again, and this time I sucked a little harder and added just a little more pressure to the sensation. 

She gasped underneath me. I felt her fingers weave through my hair again. “Oh, you- you asshole!” she moaned again, but at the same time I could feel her shift and push her breast further into my mouth. So maybe I wasn’t that much of an asshole when it really came to it. Perhaps she was in fact extremely grateful for what I was doing to her right now. 

“I am so going to make you- oh god!”- payyy for this!”

Interrupting her own sentences AND slurring her words. Nope, she was definitely not unhappy about the current situation. She was just letting out steam in her usual Tanya Goldstein fashion. 

I switched side to her other breast, and she released a massive and contend “aaah!” when her other, neglected nipple was finally taken care of. I made sure to dot little kisses all over the swollen bud before taking it into my mouth and sucking gently. I wasn’t interested in hurting her. I knew she liked when I was being a little rough with her, but not too rough. It was a fine line, and I no way in hell I was gonna overstep that line. A little pain with her pleasure was perfect. 

“Miss...Swanson.... You certainly know how to- ahh!- treat a girl,” she breathed. “Just a bit more, darling! A little harder!”

Of course I did as she asked. Right now, I would have stolen the moon if that was what she wanted me to do. She wasn’t the only one who was in heaven. I could feel my own nipples ache and my cotton panties were most certainly soaked, but god, I felt good! Pleasuring her pleased me, and I couldn’t think of a place I’d rather be than here where I could breathe in the scent of whatever expensive French vanilla perfume she was wearing. She smelled wonderful. Eatable. I wanted to lick her all over, and there was a very good chance I would do just that before the night was over. Lick and kiss every inch of her glorious body.

Tanya’s third orgasm was equally as glorious as the two previous ones. Perhaps not as loud, but definitely satisfyingly. I could tell from the dopey smile she was flashing me when I lifted my head from her breast. “That was three. Two more left.”

She moaned a bit in response. 

“Can you still feel your legs?” I asked innocently as I pinched her thigh. 

“Ouch!”

“Okay, okay. Just checking.”

“Moron,” Tanya said flatly. 

“Hey, I just made you come three times!” I protested. “Be a little nice.”

She merely scoffed and flashed me a positively lazy smile. “What else do you have in store for me, I wonder?” 

“Well, I was thinking-“

Knock-knock-knock!

“What the fuck?” I said loudly and quickly turned my head at the unexpected sound. “Who the hell is that?” 

“That would be the sushi,” Tanya smirked. “I asked the delivery guy to knock three times and leave the food outside the door.” 

“Oh,” I said slightly befuddled. “Right. You already ordered.”

“Mmm. I figured we would be hungry afterwards,” she grinned. “Would you mind go and get it before someone sees it and decides to nick it?” 

I forced myself to get out of bed. Wrestled my tanktop back on and then padded out of the bedroom, through the hallway and finally to the door. I cranked it open and grabbed the bags of food from my   
favorite sushi place. The food smelled good, but right now I had absolutely zero interest in eating. I dumped the brown paper bags on the kitchen table and hurried back to bed where Tanya was waiting for me. She hadn’t moved an inch and grinned lazily up at me. “Did you get the food?”

“Yep,” I said simply as I climbed back in bed. 

“And you’re not even interested in it,” she laughed. “Incredible.”

“Well, we’re not quite done yet, are we, Goldstein?”

“No, we definitely are not,” she agreed and licked her lips. “So tell me, darling.... What else do you have in store for me?”

“Well, that depends on whether you’re ready for number four...” 

“I was born ready,” she said haughtily.

“Good,” I chuckled. “Then I suggest you come here...” I pointed to my face, and Tanya immediately got the hint. She sat up, shuffled forward on her knees and positioned herself so her pussy was only inches from my mouth. “If I die because of this, you make sure to bury me in my red dress,” she said simply before she robbed me of any attempt at answering. 

Naturally, she didn’t die. I had actually never been more in doubt of her status as a living, breathing creature when she came undone a fourth time and screamed her pleasure to the heavens. I really did try to feel sorry for my neighbors, but... I couldn’t. 

To Be Continued.................


	6. Sushi and Jealousy

By the time we finally stopped I was completely sweaty, and my back was covered in scratches. Some of them stung a bit, but in a most delightful way. I was warm and sticky and a tad sore between my thighs. In the end, Tanya had reciprocated in a most wonderful way indeed. 

Tanya was laying face down next to me. Her face was completely hidden by her blonde hair and she hadn’t said anything in a while. I wasn’t sure whether she had fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion, but I did know that my stomach was rumbling with hunger. I groaned a bit as I forced my unwilling body out of bed and wandered naked into the kitchen. I grabbed the brown paper bag containing the sushi and then wandered back to the bedroom. It seemed silly to sit at the kitchen table and eat while Tanya was in the bedroom. I preferred being where she was. Even if she was asleep. I climbed back into bed and opened the takeaway bag. My stomach rumbled again as I looked at all the sushi rolls waiting for me. Well, not just for me. I obviously had to save some for Tanya, and I would. Of course I would. She was probably even more famished than I was. 

I grabbed the chopsticks and elegantly lifted one of the sushi rolls up and stuffed it into my mouth. Rice and salmon. Oh my god, it tasted so good! Exactly what I needed right now. I turned my head and glanced at Tanya. She still hadn’t moved. I snickered a bit to myself. Maybe she really had fallen asleep. And maybe I should kiss her awake when I was done eating. She was bound to be hungry too. Even more than I was. I stuffed another sushi roll into my mouth and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I could check my phone while Tanya was asleep or recovering or whatever it was she was doing right now. I checked my email first. A couple of work emails. An article I had to check for spelling errors etc. I could do that. Tomorrow. Or possibly on Sunday. I had time. Next, I checked Facebook. My dad had tagged me in a puppy video. She knew exactly what I liked. I chuckled quietly to myself as I wrote a funny comment and tagged him right back. That was Facebook checked out. Next was Instagram. That was where things really happened. I had over two hundred new followers and over four hundred likes on the picture I had posted last night. Which had been of nothing in particular. Just the book I was currently reading (‘the price of salt’ by Patricia Highsmith), it was literally just a picture of a book and it had gained me over four hundred likes. That was insane. And so was the many, many comments the pictures had received. Some were asking whether Tanya was the “Carol” in the relationship. That made me laugh. Yes, there was definitely a 35 year old glamorous and mysterious socialite trapped inside Tanya’s twenty eight year old body. But the comment that seemed to be repeated the most on the picture was ‘pls post pictures with Tanya!!’ followed by praying emojis or drooling ones. 

My eyebrows rose higher and higher as I scrolled through the comments. Everyone wanted to see pictures of Tanya on my Instagram profile. Hmm. I supposed they had a point when they cleverly remarked that the only official pictures of Tanya and me together were the ones published in Juicy Bits a month ago. Maybe there should be a picture of us together on Instagram. It seemed strange that there wasn’t any pictures of us together when we had made such a big deal out of going public with our relationship.

I stuffed another sushi roll into my mouth and carefully chewed my way through rice and avocado as I glanced at the many likes my completely innocent book picture had received. Of course there were the ‘normal’ likes from my mom and dad and Angie and Cooper and the guys from the office. But there was also likes from more ‘official’ people. Mercy Kingston being one of them. I shook my head a little. Mercy Kingston had liked my picture. I didn’t even know her. Well, I knew her through Tanya, but I had never met her. And now she had liked my picture. That was crazy. My life had become crazy since Tanya and I had come out officially as a couple. “Jesus Christ,” I mumbled to myself as I kept scrolling through the likes. I had just caught another sushi roll on the chopsticks when I spotted an Instagram name that made me drop the sushi roll right back in the box with a quiet splat. A certain @LilyCheng92 had liked the picture I had posted. Lily. I squinted. Why the hell was Lily suddenly liking my Instagram pictures? She hadn’t done that since we had broken up. Why start now, I wondered as I sat the chopsticks down and clicked on her Instagram name. Her profile filled my phone screen, and I only wondered more when I looked at her recent pictures. There were a couple of selfies, but most of her recent pictures consisted of black and white photos of flowers and with a melancholic quote underneath. And there were absolutely zero pictures of Ursula, I noted. Interesting. Were they not together anymore? My first petty response was schadenfreude. Now she knew what it felt like. I wondered who of them had ended things, and I felt even more petty for secretly sort of hoping that it was Ursula. But then I glanced at Tanya who was still laying limply next to me and shook my head. No, of course I wasn’t happy that Lily was hurting. That was a terrible thing to be happy about. Even if she had dumped me for someone else, I wished that my ex-girlfriend would find someone who made her as happy as Tanya made me. I took a moment to feel and then nodded to myself. Yes, I was actually being genuine about it. I wasn’t bitter anymore. I wanted Lily to be happy. Maybe I was growing up or something like that. I chuckled quietly and helped myself to another sushi roll. The last sushi roll, I reminded myself. The rest of them were for Tanya. Very appropriately, she stirred next to me and then lifted her head from the pillow. 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I laughed and choked a little on the rice still in my mouth. “Did I knock you out satisfyingly?” 

“Stop talking with your mouth full, that’s horrible,” she said in response and I carefully swallowed before laughing. She was apparently back to her normal, sassy self. It was hard to believe that this was the   
same woman who had smiled so gently and dopily at me while proclaiming what a walking miracle I was. Okay, maybe she hadn’t said “walking miracle”, but she had said “fucking amazing” and “unbelievable”, and that was almost the same thing, right?

Tanya groaned a bit as she pushed herself up and shifted into a sitting position. “God, what HAVE you done to me, Swanson? I seem to ache everywhere.” 

“You, uhh... You’ve got some scrapes on your back too. From the wall. Sorry.” 

Tanya twisted her head in an attempt to see the scrapes. Then she chuckled. “Oh. Well. I’m sure Eileen will find that interesting when I see her on Monday.” she glanced at the brown bag of takeaway food standing between us. “Are you seriously eating in the bedroom? That’s terrible.”

“You want some?” I asked sweetly. 

“Yes please.” 

I chuckled as she thrusted a hand inside the bag. She didn’t even bother with the chopsticks. She simply fished one of the sushi rolls out and stuffed it inside her mouth. She chewed and swallowed and then moaned a little. “God, this is fucking good.”

“Should I be jealous of the sushi?” I teased. 

“No, don’t be so ridiculo-“ she didn’t finish the sentence. Instead her green eyes turned into narrow slits as she looked at phone still in my free hand. She looked back up at me and huffed: “looking at other women while I’m asleep. Real classy.”

“Huh?” I followed her gaze and glanced down at my phone. Oh, shit. Lily’s Instagram page was still open. 

“Great,” Tanya said sardonically and thrusted a hand inside the bag and fished out another sushi roll. “Real great.” She stuffed it inside her mouth. 

“I’m not looking at ‘other women’,” I said immediately. “This is actually my ex-girlfriend...”

Tanya snorted. “Right. That makes me feel so much better, thanks, Mara. Couldn’t you at least have waited until I had gone to take a shower or something?” 

“Hey,” I said gently and put a hand on her bare shoulder. “It’s not like that. I noticed that she had liked the picture I posted yesterday, and she obviously hasn’t done that since we broke up, so yeah, I got   
curious as to what was going on, but not in anyway beyond ‘what the hell’.”

“She wants you back, that’s what’s going on,” Tanya said dully and brushed my hand away from her shoulder. 

“I don’t think that’s-“

“Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?” she interrupted me and suddenly became very interested in studying the takeaway bag. “She has suddenly realized what an idiot she’s been and now she wants you   
back, and she’s testing the waters by liking your picture. Next it will be comments on both Instagram on Facebook. Then a private message asking if you’re free to meet up for coffee or some bullshit.” She stuffed another sushi roll into her mouth and chewed without looking at me. 

“Holy shit, you’ve thought that through,” I said slightly surprised. “Is that really what you think it’s gonna happen?”

“It’s what I KNOW is gonna happen,” Tanya corrected still without looking at me. 

“Well, then you’re wrong,” I said lightly. “Lily and I are over. Have been for a long time. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“I have everything to worry about, Mara,” she said calmly. “You come from a three year long committed relationship with a woman you loved while the only ‘relationships’ I’ve ever had, has been stupid one night stands with women I barely knew.” 

I gaped as I looked at her. She so rarely showed signs of vulnerability, so I always felt surprised when I met this side of her. “You’re not seriously jealous of Lily, are you?”

“Of course I’m jealous of her,” Tanya said plainly. “She’s everything I’m not.” She glanced at Lily’s Instagram profile still visible on my phone screen. “Sweet, gentle and adorable. And she once made you happy.”

“And now YOU make me happy,” I said and wiggled closer to her. “Lily is my past, but you’re my present. And my future. That’s what important, right?”

“I suppose so,” she said but didn’t sound very convincing. “But still, you and she were together for three years. That’s pretty hard to compete with.”

“So don’t compete. It’s not a competition, Tanya. You are not battling with anyone for my affection. Just continue to make me as happy as you have so far. I’m not going anywhere,” I assured and then chuckled slightly. “And if you really wanna talk about being jealous, well... try having a girlfriend who’s being worshipped daily on Instagram.” 

“I am not being worshipped daily.”

I snorted as I replaced Lily’s Instagram with Tanya’s. Found the most recent picture she had taken of herself and started to read aloud from the comments: “’Tanya, I love you so much’. ‘Oh my fucking god, you are so hot, girl!’. ‘I just really wanna’- no, wait a second, I’m not gonna read that. That’s horrible. But here’s another! ‘please marry me and make me the happiest man on earth’. ‘I wanna carry your babies!’. And- ooh, how about this one? ‘I’d let her tie me down and have her way with me whenever she wanted’. Or: ‘Tanya could slap me repeatedly in the face and I’d still smile and say thank you daddy-‘”

“Okay, shut up!” Tanya interrupted and made a face as she snatched the phone out of my hand. “That’s enough.”

“And the rest of the comments are like that,” I chuckled. “So you see, I actually have plenty of reason to be jealous.” 

“They’re faceless people behind a screen,” Tanya argued. “They don’t really exists in a sense.”

“Oh, I think someone calling you ‘daddy’ is plenty real.”

“Not as real as your ex-girlfriend.”

“She’s a part of my past,” I repeated. 

“A huge part.” 

“If she hadn’t broken up with me, I wouldn’t have been single the day I met you,” I said gently. “If I hadn’t been with her and been broken up with by her, you and I wouldn’t have been here right now.”

“Hmm,” Tanya said, and it very much sounded like she couldn’t think of any good arguments to use. "But if she contacts you in one way or the other, could you at least tell me?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

A wave of tenderness for her rose within in me, and I shoved the bag of sushi aside so I could wiggle closer to her and press a kiss to her bare shoulder and then the side of her neck. One, two, three times I kissed her skin, and this time around in an extremely gentle way. No biting or sucking. Just warm, soft kisses to her skin.

She shivered slightly. “What are you doing?” 

“Nothing,” I claimed. 

“You are,” she stated and turned her head. Her green eyes bored into mine and then she frowned. “Oh god, you’re going mushy on me. Why are you going mushy?”

I chuckled against her skin before pursing my lips and kissing again. “I’ve never seen you be jealous before.”

“And I was hoping that you never would.”

“I like it though.”

“Why?” Tanya asked and raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t jealousy supposed to be a negative feeling and all that?” 

“If taken to an extreme, yes. But it also tells me that you care about me. It would be worse if you were completely indifferent.”

She scoffed. “Believe me, the last thing I feel about you, is indifference, Mara.” 

“I know,” I assured her and kissed her shoulder again. “I feel pretty...not-indifferent about you too.”

Tanya laughed dryly. “You are such a dork.”

“But you still like me though.”

“Mhmm-hmmm,” she said lazily and reached out so she could grab the takeaway bag. She was clearly still hungry. 

I followed her example and reached out. But I wasn’t grabbing for the bag of sushi. I was grabbing for my phone, and I couldn’t resist to chuckle as I weighed the device in my hand. “I’ll have you know that I counted some of the comments on your Instagram, Goldstein. Three offers from people wanting to carry your babies, five bold individuals referring to you as ‘daddy’-“

“Stop saying that.”

“-And eight proposals of marriage,” I ended my sentence. 

“That’s pretty honorable when thinking about the poor fella who wanted me to tie him up,” Tanya said completely dryly. 

“That sounds terrifying.” 

“For him, yes.”

I tilted my head as I looked at her. “Anything you wanna share with me, Goldstein? Any fantasies you wanna live out?” 

She laughed heartedly and hoarsely. “No, not at the moment. But I’ll definitely let you know if that changes.”

“Right. Okay,” I said and did my best not to get sidetracked. “But seriously, though. EIGHT proposals!”

“Mhmm, yes, that’s pretty impressive. If I started to marry and them divorce all eight of them, I would be a right Elizabeth Taylor,” she chuckled as she fished another sushi roll out of the bag and stuffed it inside her mouth. She chewed and swallowed and then continued: “that’s a lot of wedding dresses.”

I tilted my head and asked without thinking: “you the marrying kind?” 

Tanya wasn’t fazed. “Are you proposing to me, Mara?” she laughed again and gave my leg a nudge with her bare foot. 

“No.” I rolled my eyes. “I was just curious.”

“Oh. Well, according to my dear mother, marriage was the only way to truly be happy if you were a woman.” Now Tanya was the one to roll her eyes. “Obviously, getting married to a man, that is. She   
strangely enough never said anything about how it would be to get married to a woman, so who knows, maybe THAT’S the way to true happiness. Is that a good enough answer for you?”

“It is,” I said and smiled. Not that I was thinking so big thoughts this early in our relationship, but it was nice to know that she was holding all options open. I watched as she helped herself to another of the little sushi rolls and then stuffed it into her mouth. After having chewed and swallowed, she crumbled the brown bag into a ball and said mournfully: “damn. We should have ordered more sushi.”

“I thought you were against food in the bedroom?”

“I am. But for sushi I’ll make an exception.”

“Right.”

“And whipped cream.” 

My head whipped up. “Oh?” 

“And possibly chocolate sauce.”

“Really?” 

“Mhmm. Could come in handy in the bedroom. You never know.” She flopped back against the bed and let out a long sigh. “God, I’m absolutely beat!”

I snickered. 

“Don’t you start,” she immediately warned. “This is all your fault.”

“Yes. Yes, it is,” I said proudly and wiggled a hand under the covers. Found her thigh and gave it a light pinch. “So I take it that you’re not up for round two?”

“’Round two?’” she repeated and raised an eyebrow in disbelief. 

“Round seven then,” I amended. 

“No,” she said flatly and sighed dramatically again. “No, I’m fairly certain you’ve ruined me.”

I grimaced. “I hope not.”

“You have,” she assured, and her green eyes twinkled. “I’m wrecked. There isn’t a single part of my body that doesn’t ache right now. Good thing Eileen is gonna stretch me out on Monday.”

“Woah. I’m getting jealous,” I warned and chuckled. 

She snorted. “Right. Of course you are.” 

“I’m serious. The idea of anyone touching your body, even your personal trainer is absolutely agonizing.” 

Tanya laughed a little. “You wanna take over the job then, darling?” 

“Hmm, let’s see.... getting the chance to see you work out and then rub all your sore, sore muscles afterwards? Hell yes.” 

She laughed again. “I’m hard work. I guarantee you, you wouldn’t be the correct person for the job.”

“And why is that?” 

“Because I’d seduce you before we got the chance to work out. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” I repeated and brushed a hand over her thigh. “Okay, so maybe I couldn’t be your personal trainer-“

“Definitely not.”

“-BUT you know what I’d like?”

“No, dear,” Tanya said a bit overbearing. “What would you like?”

“I’d like to talk more about the whipped cream and chocolate sauce you mentioned bringing into the bedroom...”

“Would you now?” Tanya smirked. “And what would you like to know?”

“How we would get it out of your hair for starters...” 

“My hair?” she cackled. “Who said anything about my hair?” she ran her fingers through my short locks. “Yours are shorter, darling. Much more practical, don’t you think?” 

I inhaled and licked my lips, nodded yes in agreement. Much more practical indeed. “I’m not saying that I wouldn’t look good in chocolate sauce, or whipped cream, though,” Tanya continued lightly. “As it   
happens, I look good wearing most things...”

“You do!” I said firmly and felt my belly clench as I imagined THAT sight. Too fucking bad we didn’t have any whipped cream or chocolate sauce in the apartment. I’m sure Tanya and I could have put it to   
good use if we hadn’t been this beat. 

“Perhaps some other time,” Tanya said, reading my mind completely as she curled up under the covers. 

“Definitely,” I agreed with her as I followed her example and curled up. The lovely suggestions would have to wait until another day. Right now, sleep was the most important thing on the agenda. And honestly, there were few things that were better than falling asleep next to Tanya and breathing in the scent of the French vanilla body lotion she was wearing. Best scent in the whole wide world. 

To Be Continued....


	7. Dresses chosen and pictures taken

“So? What do you think?” I asked as I stepped out from behind the curtain. An impromptu changing room right in the middle of Tanya’s house.

Tanya looked up from the cat curled in her lap and smiled. “Purple is definitely your color. You look mighty fine.”

“Yeah? You think so?” I turned around and looked at myself in the large mirror Alisha single-handedly had carried in here. I wasn’t very used to see myself this dolled up, but I quite liked it. I was wearing an amethyst colored dress with a trumpet skirt and bateau neckline. It was pretty strange, seeing myself in an expensive chiffon dress like this one, and I had been fearing that none of the dresses would apply to me, but this one actually was applying to me. I quite like the way the bottom of the dress hugged my hips and made it look like I had actual curves there. I had always felt like my body was a bit too straight forward. Up and down, nothing to give off. But this dress certainly changed that. I almost looked voluptuous. With a cleavage and everything. 

“Is that a winner?” Tanya asked and flashed me a little smile. “Or do you wanna try something else?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I said as I twisted and turned in front of the mirror. I looked pretty damn good in this dress!

“You should try it with the earrings and necklace,” Tanya said and looked at one of the many people helping her. “Alisha, could you find the earrings and necklace for Mara? I think it would be good to see the finished picture.”

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” Alisha said, and her heels clacked as she disappeared into the other room. 

“Aren’t you sick of just sitting and waiting for me?” I asked, glancing at her in the mirror. So far, Tanya hadn’t tried on anything yet. She had claimed that she found it much more entertaining to watch me try on different clothes. 

“No,” she said lightly. “I am very well entertained, miss Swanson.”

I chuckled quietly and turned my attention to my reflection again. It was possible that I was getting a little self-absorbed, but still, it wasn’t everyday you got to see yourself in a dress from Chanel. I ran my hands down and smoothened the fabric over my hips as though it was curling. But it wasn’t. It was sitting skin-tight on my hips, and the way the fabric rustled so temptingly every time I moved... 

Tanya chuckled richly from her chair. “I’m happy to see that you’re enjoying yourself.” 

“I’m enjoying this far more than I thought I would,” I admitted. 

“I knew it,” she said, flashing me that smug and all too knowing smile. 

“Yeah, I know you’re a smug bastard,” I said, trying to scowl at her, but I just ended up smiling instead. 

“There we are,” Alisha said as she came back into the impromptu dressing room which was actually right in the middle of what normally was Tanya’s living room. She carefully handed me a pair of little   
diamond stud earrings with the order to put them on. I fumbled for a second and tried not to wince when the earrings poked my skin. It had been too long since I last wore earrings. As soon as I put the lock on so they wouldn’t fall out, Alisha ordered me to keep still while she clasped the necklace around my neck. I wasn’t quite sure why, but I had expected Alisha to be a young and perky thing eager to please, but it turned out that I was way off. Alisha was a forty something British, and highly effective lady with mocha colored skin, short hair in tight curls and brown eyes radiating authority. 

“There,” she said briskly. “Take a look at yourself in the mirror, miss Swanson.”

“Mara,” I corrected for something that felt like the millionth time that day. Alisha was very courteous and refused to call Tanya anything but “miss Goldstein”, but hearing myself being addressed as “miss Swanson” made me think of Ingrid, so I had tried to get Alisha to just call me Mara instead. She still wasn’t quite there yet, but I hoped that she would be soon. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile at what I saw. The little diamond studs in my ears were subtle and discreet but still glimmered ever so slightly. The heavy amethyst resting at the column of my throat was definitely not subtle, but it somehow didn’t clash with anything. It looked... well, it looked fucking fantastic. 

“So?” I asked again as I turned around so Tanya could see me. 

“Look at you,” Tanya said, and her voice was almost soft. “You look like a million bucks, darling.”

“What are we thinking hair wise?” Alisha interrupted before I could answer. 

“Oh, uhmm, I dunno... there isn’t much that can be done, is there?” I asked a bit dumbly. My hair was still fairly short, but at least it was covering my ears now. 

“Of course there is,” Alisha brushed me off. “Curls, slicked back, etc.”

I looked over my shoulder at Tanya. “What do you think?”

“Me?” she chuckled again. “Baby, it’s your hair. Chose whatever you damn well want to.”

“Alright,” I said, rolling my eyes at how utterly unhelpful she was being. “How about a bit of curls then? Like, in the back and in the front here?” I touched my mini-fringe. 

“Oh, so we’re talking a sort of 1950’s Audrey Hepburn,” Alisha said approvingly. “Excellent.”

“That does sound like a good hairstyle,” Tanya said, stroking the cat still bundled in her lap. “I have a feeling that’ll really bring out your eyes and magnificent cheekbones.”

I turned back to the mirror. I didn’t want her to see me flush just because she had given me a compliment. 

“Is this the dress for you, miss Swanson?” Alisha asked. 

“Yeah,” I smiled widely. “It is.”

“Excellent!” she said. 

“Great choice,” Tanya smiled. 

Alisha started doing stuff in her usual, effective way. She got me into the impromptu dressing room, made me stay perfectly still while she removed the little pins she had put in the dress. Then she   
frowned as she made notes on the altercations having to be made to the dress. She called Tanya’s tailor (!!) and had an ultra-short conversation with him, talking about measurements in a way I barely understood. After hanging up, she helped me out of the dress and carefully removed the amethyst necklace from my neck. She left the impromptu dressing room with the dress and jewelry while I changed back into my jeans and sweatshirt. It almost felt weird, changing back into the crisp jeans and baggy sweat shirt after having been wearing a dress that felt as though it had been made of water. 

I pulled the curtain aside and stepped back into the living room. Tanya was still sitting on the leather couch. She had propped her legs up and looked a bit like the lazy cat still laying sprawled in her lap. 

A stream of sunlight had found its way in through the window, and it made Tanya’s hair glow almost golden. I took a moment to shamelessly look at her. She was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a pastel blue cashmere shirt. Her hair had been pulled into a high ponytail, and she reminded me of a 1950’s movie star as she sat there with the enormous cat in her lap. All she needed was one of those long cigarettes. I could hear Genevieve purr satisfied, thoroughly happy with being with her mistress. 

“It’s a weird experience suddenly having to change back into your regular, boring clothes,” I said as I plopped down next to her on the couch. 

Tanya chuckled. “Yes, it is a rather flat feeling, isn’t it?”

“Totally. Where did Alisha disappear off to?”

“I believe she went to find Frank and send him off to the tailor’s with your measurement.” 

“Oh, right.” Frank was Tanya’s new P.A, and he was as good as gold. Effective, friendly, an incarnated cat lover, married for twenty years to Bruno and proud owner of an incredibly fat French bulldog called   
Raphael. I had met the bulldog a few times, and I had absolutely adored him. Genevieve hadn’t. She had hissed at the poor dog who just wanted to say hi, and Tanya and Frank had made an agreement of Frank not bringing his dog to work that often. 

My phone vibrated once in my pocket, and I quickly fished it out. It was a text from my mom. And she was asking the same question she’d asked over and over again for the past three days. I chuckled quietly to myself and shook my head a little. 

“Is there a joke or are you just laughing to yourself at random?” Tanya asked without looking up from her precious cat. “If the latter is the case, I’ll be seriously concerned.”

“Shut up, of course there’s something funny,” I said and gave her thigh a slight pinch. Not a very hard one, but still enough to make her look up in warning. 

“It’s my mom,” I told her, elegantly squirming to the end of the couch so she couldn’t retaliate.

“Oh?” 

“She’s kinda... eager to meet you,” I said. Eager wasn’t quite the word though. More like ‘pushing’. Yes, ever since finding out that I was dating Tanya Goldstein, my mom had been nothing but a whirlwind of questions. She watched ‘Love Me Not’ religiously, and I could sense that she was equally thrilled and terrified that I was dating Tanya. 

“Okay,” Tanya said, and a teeny tiny little wrinkle appeared between her eyes as she thought about it. “Well, we better set an actual date then, don’t we?”

“Are you sure?” it bursted out of me. 

She rolled her emerald green eyes at me. “Yes, Mara. I’m sure. How about the week after the Golden Globes? Colorado seems like a good place to lick my wounds or whatever.”

“’Lick your wounds’?” I echoed and quirked an eyebrow. “Why would you need to lick your wounds? You’re going to win.”

She snorted. “Right.”

“You ARE!”

“Okay,” she said in that all too familiar condescending tone. “Text your mom, darling. And tell her that we’ll be coming to Colorado the week after the Golden Globes.”

I quickly checked her face, scanned for any signs of anything, but she was looking down at the curled up Genevieve again, so it was pretty hard to figure out what she was thinking. I texted my mom, and it didn’t even take a full minute before she was texting me back, with lots of exclamations and smiling emojis. She absolutely could not wait to meet Tanya. The second woman I had ever introduced to my parents. That alone made Tanya special. 

“My mom is looking forward to meet you,” I told Tanya. “Obviously, so’s my dad, but my mom has a more enthusiastic way of expressing it.” 

She let out a raspy chuckle. “I bet.”

I tilted my head at the slightly neutral tone she used. “Are you sure you’re cool with meeting my parents? We could wait, you know. It doesn’t have to be right now.”

“Why ever not?” Tanya scoffed. “Don’t you want me to meet your parents?” 

“Of course I do,” I protested. “I’m just trying to-“

“Well, don’t,” she brushed me off. “Yes, I’m completely fine with meeting your parents. I’m sure it’ll be interesting.”

I held my tongue and waited. That was the best strategy when she turned brusque. Wait for her to open up and tell me what was bothering her. Because something was definitely bothering her. 

Tanya kept stroking the cat in her lap, clearly happy to have an excuse for not looking at me. But when Genevieve a moment later jumped off the couch and disappeared out of the room with her bushy tail dancing in the air, Tanya didn’t have much choice when it came to not looking at me. She shifted in the leather couch, crossed her ankles elegantly. Her tone was still completely neutral when she said:   
“I don’t know how it works.”

And there it is. “You don’t know how what works?” I asked softly. 

“Meeting my girlfriends parents,” Tanya said stiffly. “Because I’ve never had a girlfriend long enough to meet their parents.”

“My parents are pretty chill,” I assured her. “And they already like you. Because I like you.”

“You make it sound so fucking easy.”

I reached out and took her hand. “Because it is. Talk books and series with my mom and gardening with my dad, and you’re good to go.” 

She chuckled quietly. “You’re very lucky. To be accepted by your parents. I can’t even imagine what a luxury that must be.” 

I squeezed her hand now. “I’m sorry. Look, they’re... they’re idiots, okay? They sure as hell don’t deserve you!” my tone was sharp, so sharp, Tanya raised an eyebrow. “Someone got a little angry there,   
huh?” 

“Yeah,” I said plainly. “I’m pissed at your parents. Let’s just make that official.”

She chuckled again. “I don’t think being ‘pissed’ is gonna help anything, darling.”

“Maybe not. But what hurts you, hurts me, so....” 

“That’s awfully committed of you.”

“Isn’t that what being in a relationship is all about?” I half-teased and squeezed her hand again. “Being committed.”

“Don’t ask me. I’ve never been in a relationship before,” she pointed out. “At least not one that counts.”

Before I could give an answer to that, Alisha came back and apologized for the waiting. Tanya took that in strides and smiled lazily. 

“Are you ready to try on the dress, miss Goldstein?” Alisha asked and rubbed her hands together. 

“Oh yes, absolutely,” Tanya replied and unfolded her long legs. She got up from the couch and walked over to Alisha who was holding the curtain open for her. Before disappearing behind the curtain, she   
told me: “won’t be a moment, darling.”

“You’re gonna show me the dress, right?”

“Am I?” she teased with a chuckle. 

“Tanya!”

“Okay, okay. I’ll show you the dress,” she amended. “Wouldn’t hurt to have an extra opinion.” With that, she disappeared behind the curtain. 

I waited and did my best to be patient while listening to the rustling as Tanya undressed behind the curtain. I could hear Alisha give comments and tips on how Tanya wore the dress in the best way   
possible. 

“I agree, a bra would probably look silly, but I’m going to need some tape. Otherwise things will go straight to hell,” Tanya said matter of factly. I chuckled quietly and then shook my head. No bra. Tanya wouldn’t be wearing a bra for the Golden Globes. Right. That was definitely not gonna be distracting. Not even in the slightest. I shook my head again.

“That is a lot of dress,” Tanya commented, and I heard the sound of a zipper being pulled up. 

“But it’s a lovely one too, miss Goldstein,” Alisha replied. “I have a feeling you’ll be wearing it beautifully.”

I nodded to myself. Of course she would. I was yet to see a piece of clothing Tanya didn’t look fucking stunning in. She could probably have worn a thrash bag and still looked bomb as hell. That was just an ability she had. One that I was pretty damn envious about. I shifted impatiently on the couch, tempted to ask how it was going, but I got distracted when Genevieve came back into the living room. She surprised me by jumping up on the couch and curling up next to me. “Hi there,” I greeted the cat. “You finally warming up to me?” I heard Tanya laugh behind the curtain and did my utmost to ignore it as   
I reached out and stroked Genevieve’s soft fur. I knew I never would become her number one. That was Tanya. It would always be Tanya. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t become friends with her. I wanted to become friends with her. I knew how important she was to Tanya. 

“Alright,” Tanya said as she briskly pulled the curtain aside and stepped back into the living room. “What do we think?”

I said nothing as I took a moment to just look at her. Really drink in the image of her. My belly fluttered and my heart swelled. She looked like someone who had just stepped out of an old movie. The dress she was wearing was emerald green, matching her eyes perfectly, made of the finest silk, wrapping tightly and fitting snugly across her chest in a kind of sweetheart neckline, giving away just a hint of cleavage. I took a moment to look at her beautiful, creamy skin before continuing “the tour” of her dress. It widened at the waist and fanned out in a light and flowy skirt that swished every time she moved. There was some sort of embellishment made of tiny little crystals on the neckline which made the dress shimmer slightly in the faint sunlight every time Tanya moved. I shook my head and took a breath. It felt like my heart had just grown four sizes or something like that. Holy shit, she looked amazing. So, so amazing. This wasn’t just a question about wearing a dress. No, this was Tanya looking like she freaking born to wear that dress. My breath hitched, and I could say absolutely nothing. I could just sit there and look at her as Alisha handed her the pair of emerald earrings I had already seen once. Tanya put the earrings in, and I felt how my lips stretched in a big, silly grin. I literally couldn’t stop smiling. By putting on those earrings, Tanya had just made everything clap in the most beautiful way possible. Now she really looked like she had just stepped out of an old Hollywood movie. She was made for stardom. If she wouldn’t be the talk of the night at the Golden Globe Award, I would seriously have to flip a table or something. No dress, no matter how fancy could possibly top this one. I refused to believe it. I had never seen her look more like a star than she did right now. 

“Well?” Tanya asked. I could hear the urgency in her voice, and I had to shake my head again. How could she even ask? How could she even be in doubt about how fucking amazing she looked? A million words to describe how utterly stunning she looked right now invaded my mouth, and I couldn’t decide which one to use first. I was quite literally speechless. 

“Would you like to try the gloves, miss Goldstein?” Alisha asked. 

“Sure, why not,” Tanya half-chuckled. “Let’s go all in.” she was handed a pair of black opera gloves and I saw the tip of her tongue poke out in sheer concentration as she tugged the gloves on and smoothened them over her elbows. “There,” she said. 

“Very nice,” Alisha complimented. “Could you take down your ponytail, please?” 

“Of course,” Tanya replied. In one, swift movement, she loosened her hair from the high ponytail. Platinum blonde locks tumbled down her shoulders, and I had to swallow something again. Tanya’s hair. My greatest weakness.

She turned around while Alisha fussed with the bottom of the dress. “Well?” she asked me again. “What do you think? You’ve been so quiet, I’m almost starting to think you don’t like it.”

“Fuck,” was the only thing I could say as I looked at her. 

“Is that a good fuck or a bad fuck?” she asked with a slight twinkle in her emerald green eyes. “I don’t think we’ve had a bad fuck yet...”

“Still haven’t,” I said plainly. “You look... God, you look...”

“Yes?” she encouraged and raised an eyebrow. “What do I look, Mara?” 

“You look amazing!” it bursted out of me. “Absolutely amazing. I’ve never seen anything like what you’re wearing right now. The dress is perfect. You’re perfect. Fucking perfect.”

Her normally so pale cheeks pinked slightly at the compliment, and I could see how her green eyes were positively sparkling now. “Yes, this isn’t so bad, is it?”

“I’ve never seen anything less bad than this dress and you wearing it!” I said firmly. 

She chuckled lightly and did a little spin. The dress swished around her, and the bodice twinkled slightly when the embellishment caught the sunlight. I sat and wished that I’d had a camera or something,   
because that right there was definitely a movie star moment. And a sweet one too. The childish joy she expressed over the dress when doing that little spin was positively adorable. 

“Would you like to try on the white dress too, miss Goldstein?” Alisha asked, and I looked at the white dress of tulle she was holding up.

Tanya looked at the dress for a moment before deciding: “no, I don’t think so. It’s a bit too bridal for me.”

I too looked at the dress. She had a point there. It actually was a bit wedding-esque. 

“The suit then?” Alisha asked, now holding up a black two piece suit that looked it was made of silk. 

“No, you know what, I think we’ll go with the dress,” Tanya replied. “To be honest, I don’t think it can get much better than this.”

“You look awesome,” I interjected. 

Tanya smiled at me over her shoulder. 

“And what about you, miss Swanson? Is there anything else you’d like to try on?” Alisha asked. 

“Nah. I’m good. I’m going with the purple dress.”

“Amethyst,” Tanya corrected and rolled her eyes teasingly. “You really must get it right, darling.”

“Right. Amethyst,” I parroted and felt tempted to poke my tongue out at her.

Alisha ignored our shenanigans and remained completely professional as she asked Tanya: “and what are you thinking hair-wise, miss Goldstein? Is there an updo or a specific style you’d like to try? Lacey asked me to tell you that the sky is the limit.” Lacey was Tanya’s hairdresser. She had her own hairdresser. I tried daily not to get amazed by that. I stroked Genevieve’s soft fur while Tanya and Alisha discussed Tanya’s hair, and Tanya bundled it up on her head to release it and rolled it into a softer, lower bun. After a moment she shook her head, though. Released her hair again. “I’m thinking curls,” she said finally. “Maybe pinned or something like that.”

Alisha nodded eagerly. “Miss Swanson’s kind of vintage hairstyle will compliment that wonderfully. Now for the jewels you’re going to wear on the big night...”

“I’m not going to wear any jewels,” Tanya said and brought a hand up and touched one of her emerald earrings lightly. “Just these. With a dress like that I don’t need anymore jewels. I think it would clash with the embellishment on the bodice, don’t you agree, Alisha?”

“Certainly, miss Goldstein,” Alisha nodded. 

“Good. That’s settled then.”

“Well then,” Alisha said briskly. “Let me help you out of the dress, miss Goldstein.”

They disappeared back behind the curtain, and I heard the sound of a zipper being pulled down and rustling as Tanya re-dressed in her own clothes. It took a couple of minutes, but when she reappeared, she looked as perfect and unruffled as she had a moment ago. Her jeans and sweater were sitting perfectly. The only difference was that she wasn’t wearing the emerald green earrings anymore, and that her hair was hanging loose and framing her face instead of being tied back in that high ponytail she had been donning a moment ago. 

“That’s that,” she said lightly, and her sock clad feet skated across the floor as she came towards me and plopped down next to me on the couch. 

Alisha disappeared with the dress. Probably to deliver some message to Frank whom I knew still were somewhere in Tanya’s enormous house. 

“I can’t believe we just chose our dresses for the Golden Globe award,” I said and shook my head. “I can’t believe that I’m going to the Golden Globe award. Me.”

Tanya let out a soft and husky laughter. “First time for both of us, darling, first time for both of us.”

“Have you written your speech?” I asked as I wiggled closer to her. Now I could actually do that. Genevieve had moved and climbed onto Tanya’s lap again. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scoffed. “I don’t have to write a speech. I’m not gonna win.”

“Suppose you are? How are you gonna make it without a speech then?”

She shrugged as she whipped out her phone and used the front camera to check how she looked. “I suppose I’ll just have to wing it or something.”

“That sounds like a pretty dumb strategy to me.”

“Whatever.” She turned her head and looked at me. Smiled a little. “We look pretty good today, don’t we, Swanson?”

“We do,” I agreed with her. “At least you do. I dunno about-“

“You look smashing,” she brushed me off. “Wanna take a selfie with me?” 

“Yeah!” I said, both surprised and happy. “I’d love to.”

“Then I suggest you come closer,” she teased. 

That was exactly what I did. It didn’t take long before I was sitting right by her side. Tanya casually slipped an arm around me and used her free hand to hold her phone up. “Smile for the dickie bird.”

I laughed at the terrible choice of words, and Tanya took advantage of that and snapped a picture of us. She let me have a look at the result and I cringed slightly. Her smile was dazzlingly beautiful, real movie star stuff, whereas mine was a bit more dopey. Like I had just found a pot of gold by the end of the rainbow or some shit. 

“That’s a great picture,” Tanya smiled. “Do you think it’s Instagram worthy?” 

“You wanna upload it?” I asked, now grinning again. 

“Yes. There still isn’t any pictures of us together on my Instagram, and I’m starting to think that’s a mistake. I didn’t come out to keep you tugged away,” Tanya said simply. 

“Upload it,” I smiled. “Do it!”

“Here goes nothing,” she joked, and I saw her log into Instagram and play around with the different filters. She ended up choosing one that made the colors look just a bit warmer. That was exactly what   
the picture needed. A bit of warmth. At first, Tanya had been stubborn about it, but after a while she had admitted that her rented house in Beverly Hills was pretty white and “clinical”. She had talked about hiring a decorator to make it look a bit more homely and warmer. But it would have to wait until after Golden Globes. 

“What are you writing as caption?” I asked curiously and leaned in so I could look. She didn’t answer. Instead she simply wrote one word as caption. ‘Saturday’. Followed by a little heart emoji. 

“Aaaw,” I cooed and gave her thigh a soft squeeze. 

“Shut up. Don’t get any ideas,” she said dismissively. But she did nothing to brush my hand away from her thigh. After a moment she dumped the phone onto one of the cushions and glanced at me. “So,   
are you hungry?”

“I always am.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Indian or Chinese for dinner? I’m really not in the mood to cook.”

“Chinese sounds nice,” I smiled. 

“Excellent.” Tanya tipped her head back and called: “Frank?”

It didn’t even take a minute before Frank stood in the living room with his kind, professional smile and asked: “yes, miss Goldstein?”

“Mara and I would like some Chinese for dinner,” Tanya said. “I’d like some... egg rolls, and Mara would like...”

“Wonton soup and fried rice,” I supplied. 

“Yes, exactly,” Tanya nodded and looked back at Frank. “Do you think you could be a dear and fetch that for us? From the usual place, please.”

“I’ll fetch that in a jiffy, miss Goldstein,” Frank singsong’ed as he briskly walked towards the door. “In a jiffy!”

“Thank you, Frank. You’re a gem,” Tanya said, and I chuckled. Frank had a certain way of speaking. It was positively endearing. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without him,” Tanya said warmly, still looking at the door he just disappeared through. “He’s as good as gold, that one.”

“And he doesn’t have a weird ass crush on you.”

She chuckled. “No, that is pretty fortunate, isn’t it?”

I grumbled something. I still hadn’t forgotten about Beth and the fact that she had kissed Tanya. God, if I ever laid eyes on that bitch again, I would seriously murder her! 

Tanya chuckled again. “Don’t look so sour, darling. I fear your face will remain in that position forever.”

“Hardy, har, har, har.”

She just kept laughing like she had made a very funny joke. I tried my best to ignore it. I was kinda used to having her laugh at me. Instead I busied myself with petting Genevieve until her owner finally sobered up and asked: “what do you wanna do for the rest of the day?”

“We could watch ‘Love Me Not’!” 

“No.”

It was my turn to chuckle because I had already foreseen her answer. “Alright. A movie then. Roman Holiday.”

“Good choice,” Tanya said impressed. “I could use some couch time.”

“Still sore?” I asked. Now I was smirking. 

She huffed. “I told you, Eileen is a slave whipper if there ever was one! Damn her!”

I chuckled. “Want me to kill her?”

“No,” Tanya decided. “Maybe she’s a slave whipper, but she makes my body look good, so...” her head whipped up at the sound of her phone buzzing as though she had only heard it now. Which would be   
strange considering that her phone had been buzzing on and off all the while we had talked. Tanya picked up the phone and the screen lit up. 

“Instagram overflowing?” I guessed. 

“You could say that,” she chuckled. “You have to see this.” 

I stretched my neck and looked as she scrolled through the comments. Instagram was indeed overflowing. I had never seen so many comments before. Everyone was clearly losing their shit over the   
picture. There was especially one that made Tanya laugh when she read it out loud: “’just look at how happy they look! I love my gay moms!’”

“’Gay moms’?” I echoed. “I thought you were everyone’s gay aunt?”

“Well, it looks like I’ve just been upgraded to being someone’s gay mom,” she said with a shrug. “That would please my mother. She always did say that having children was a woman’s greatest purpose in life.”

“Did she now?” I said and narrowed my eyes. 

“Mmm, she loved all the clichés, did mother dearest.” Tanya’s voice was dry, but I couldn’t see the joke.

“And what do you think?” I asked gently. 

“About clichés?”

“About... motherhood.” I was already sort of regretting having started this conversation. We had dated a month, for fucks sake!

To my utter relief, Tanya laughed. “’Motherhood’, huh?”

I nodded lamely. 

“Honestly? I don’t know. I’m not sure how great a mother I would make,” she said honestly. “You should try having my brain, darling. Sometimes the thoughts are just piling up and piling up...”

I nodded again and gave her thigh another soft squeeze. 

“But who knows,” she continued. “I mean, the future isn’t written in stone, is it? Maybe I’ll one day wake up with the strongest urge to get a baby.”

I chuckled again. “Maybe.”

“What about you?” Tanya asked lightly. “What are your thoughts on ‘motherhood’ as you so old fashioned put it...”

I shrugged. “Not something I’d be interested in at the moment, but maybe someday, who knows.” 

“Good. We’re on the same page again then,” she said and gave me a light shove. “Now get up.”

I groaned. “Where am I going?”

“You are going to find the movie while I sit here and do absolutely nothing.”

“And why would I do that, Goldstein?”

“Because I’m so fucking good at convincing you.” With that, she cupped my face and kissed me slow and deeply, and yeah, she really was hella fucking good at convincing me. When I a moment later stood up to fetch the movie, my knees were buckling slightly, and I didn’t even care that she was laughing at me and calling me “a drunk chicken”...... Like she had seen many of those.


	8. Golden Hours

I sucked in a breath as I looked at myself in Tanya’s full figure mirror. I had never seen myself look like this before. Nor could I remember the last time I had worn so much makeup. It’s funny, really. How makeup artists calls it a natural look and then spends hours on smearing things all over your face. But I had to agree with Brigitte, the woman who had done my makeup. It did look natural. Thanks to her,   
I had a soft, sun kissed glow in my cheeks, “naturally” pale pink lips and eyes framed by not too thick black lashes. My cheekbones looked defined and my cheeks like the glow was coming from inside. 

There was a fair chance it did though, actually. I was nervous. I was back in the purple- amethyst- dress. I was had borrowed Tanya’s little diamond stud earrings again, and I was wearing the amethyst necklace that matched the dress. But I had insisted upon wearing the watch Tanya had bought for me in New York. Pédro, the man who was helping me getting dressed, had complained that it didn’t match my gown, but I had brushed that off and firmly stated that I wished to wear the watch tonight. He hadn’t tried to argue again. 

I blinked and tried to make the woman in the mirror look like me again. But I couldn’t. I literally could not recognize myself today. Not wearing this dress, and not with this hair. Michelle, Tanya’s hairstylist had tugged and pulled, combed, curled and blow dried for something that felt like hours. But the result had made my jaw hit the floor when I saw myself in the mirror. My unruly, short curls had been tamed and smoothed in the back, and my tiny fringe perfectly arranged across my forehead. The hair could perfectly represent the style Audrey Hepburn had donned in “Sabrina”. Even my eyebrows had been plucked and shaped to represent hers. Michelle had claimed that we had to go all in when my hair was like that and with the shape and size of my eyes, it was a temptation too strong to resist. She had called my brown eyes Audrey-esque, and I hadn’t dared arguing with her. What sane person would do that when being compared to Audrey Hepburn?

Admittedly, it felt a bit like looking at a stranger in the mirror, but I liked it. Of course I did. Tanya’s team of “beautifiers” as she called them, had just spent hours on making me look like shorthaired, big eyed barbie doll, and I definitely wasn’t planning on being ungrateful. I reached up and touched my hair only to be corrected by Michelle as I did so. I wasn’t supposed to touch anything, damnit! I chuckled to myself as I hastily brought my hand down again. I liked Tanya’s hairstylist. I liked all of them. I had never seen so many people occupying Tanya’s Beverly Hills house before. There were Alisha, who had arrived with our gowns. Kendra, the tailor who was standing ready in case the gowns needed last minute alternations. Luckily, that wasn’t the case. The there was Pédro, the guy who had helped me get dressed, Ann-Margret who had done my makeup and by the way was one hell of a tough lady who could have brought Ingrid to shame, Michelle, who had done my hair and eyebrows, Daniella, Tanya’s hairstylist, Fred, Tanya’s bodyguard whom I already was oh so familiar with, and then of course there was Frank who had been running back and forward, throwing messages across the room, carrying Genevieve around and often looked like he was about to have an ulcer or a heart attack. Poor guy. He was really hard at work today. I felt sorry for him. 

“Looks like you’re all done, Mara,” he said as he once again came into the living room where I was standing. That had been his primary function today. Dwindling between the living room where I was, and the bedroom where Tanya was getting ready for her big night, often he wore headphones and was on the phone all the while he was talking to me and carrying Genevieve around, so she wasn’t in the way and shed her white hairs on either of our dresses. 

“I am,” I confirmed and flashed the poor guy a smile. “Is Tanya ready?”

“I believe that Daniella is just adding the finishing touches to miss Goldstein’s hair.”

“Alright then,” I said and had to suffocate a smile. I was Mara while Tanya was “miss Goldstein”. It was funny. Every member of Tanya’s staff always called me Mara while they kept calling her “miss Goldstein”. I clearly had that kind of face that encouraged people to be a little more nonchalant. A little more familiar. While Tanya clearly had the kind of face that made everyone extremely respectful.   
Today was one of those days where I really could feel that Tanya wasn’t just Tanya, but Tanya Goldstein the actress. Silly, I thought and tried not to snort. Of course I could feel she was an actress today. We wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t been an actress. This was her big night after all. 

“Sooo, do you know if I can see her anytime soon, or...?” I asked Frank.

He cracked a smile. “Miss Goldstein says it’ll be soon.”

“Right,” I groaned. “Miss Goldstein says...” I tried not to grimace and screw up the makeup. Tanya had been so annoying and had insisted that we shouldn’t see each other until at the very last minute. That was why she was getting ready in the bedroom while I was in the living room. She didn’t want me to sneak a peek at her, she’d said. Hella annoying. I could barely wait. Felt like I had already waited for hours. 

Frank laughed at me. Maybe I was pouting a little bit after all. I hoped my lipstick would survive. But if not, Ann-Margret would be here in a heartbeat to fix it. While scolding me for being careless or something like that. 

Frank disappeared back inside the bedroom to assist Tanya with whatever while I was left to impatiently pace in front of the mirror. It felt like I had a big-ass butterfly fluttering around in my stomach. 

Screw all the little ones, I had a proper monster in my belly. I was literally so nervous. Had never been so nervous in my life. What did I even know about red carpets and smiling and all that? I did know how to talk to reporters. And I had a proper advantage in somewhat knowing what they were going to ask me. One of the perks of being a reporter. But walking the red carpet with Tanya was something I was nervous about. I was nervous screwing up or tripping or whatever. I took a deep breath, but it didn’t help much. I nearly jumped when my cellphone went off in the ridiculously expensive little clutch I was bringing tonight. My fingers trembled just a little bit when I fished the phone out of the clutch, and for a moment, the bubble of glamour and over expensive gowns and purses were punctuated when I read the text from my mom. She asked me to tell Tanya to “break a leg” tonight. Obviously, I knew what she meant, but still, I had always found the saying to be macabre. Break a leg? I mean, come on. I looked down, followed the tight skirt with my eyes and then stopped at the high heels I was wearing. Higher than any pair of heels I’d ever worn before. There actually was a fair chance that I could “break a leg” tonight if not careful. I rolled my eyes a little and answered my mom’s text. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to do. The next time she texted me, she had written me a long block of text about how amazing this was. How she couldn’t wait to watch the show on television. The next passage was mainly about how much she and my dad were looking forward to meeting Tanya. I knew they did. My mom had basically hit the ceiling when we had finally set a date where she and dad would meet Tanya. I had a feeling that my dear mom would be standing in the kitchen, whipping up every single complicated dish she could think of. I could read between the lines, and it was obvious that she wanted to impress Tanya. She clearly saw Tanya as this refined Grace Kelly type. Which was kinda funny considering that that was exactly how I had seen Tanya before getting to know her. Before getting to know how much she cursed and how bad of a driver she was, and how utterly useless she was in the morning before she’d had her coffee. I chuckled to myself as I muted the phone and slipped it back in the little clutch. I realized that I was growing a bit sentimental standing here and thinking about the many things I had learned about Tanya over the months we’d known each other. Maybe we had only officially been dating for a month, but it felt like we had been dating for much longer. I scoffed quietly to myself. Man, I really was getting sentimental. What the hell was wrong with me tonight? Was I suddenly wearing my heart on my sleeve because it was a bit of a special night? 

Maybe. 

That was when I heard slight cursing from the bedroom. I turned away from the mirror and watched the door intensely. Frank said something, and I heard Tanya reply in that quick, not-quite-snappy-but-almost tone she always used when she felt stressed. Her voice was close to the door, and I silently counted the seconds. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten....

The door to the bedroom opened, and out came Tanya. Once again wearing the emerald green dress. The bodice had clearly been altered a little, because I could tell that it was a bit tighter across the chest. Which made me both delighted and a little concerned. God forbid I should be caught staring at her chest for too long. Not tonight. Not with all the cameras that undoubtedly would be aimed at Tanya. This was her first award show, and I knew that there had been many, many speculations about what she would wear tonight. 

I took a breath as I fully looked at her. Drank in the image of her as she stood there in the emerald green gown. Her normally waist long platinum blonde hair had been sort of folded inwards and tugged up, so it looked shorter. Brushing the middle of her shoulders. I briefly wondered how many bobby pins and hairspray it had taken to make Tanya’s hair sit in those perfect curls that for some reason still were able to bounce every time she moved her head. Her lipstick was a light Bordeaux shade and her eye makeup smoky and screaming late 1950’s. I was starting to realize that all those Grace Kelly movies we’d watched together hadn’t been all about relaxation and winding down. She had been researching. And it had paid off. She looked incredibly glamorous. The bodice of her dress sat on her like it had been painted directly on her skin. Tight-fitting and alluring without being overly sexy. With that beautiful embroidery on it. Which there had been clearly added to for the occasion. I was sure the bodice of her dress was glimmering just a little bit more than it had the last time she had worn it. Which was entirely appropriate. If there ever was an occasion for a bit of extra crystals, tonight definitely was that occasion. And the skirt was the complete princess dream that swished and swayed when she moved. I wasn’t completely sure how she would get inside the car, but for now, I pushed the silly concern aside and smiled. Never had I seen her look more like a Hollywood star than she did tonight. A goddess. The Grace Kelly of our time. Exactly like the magazines had claimed her to be. Today that certainly was the case. Tanya always looked beautiful, but today she looked completely radiant. Stunning. And she was with me. For some ridiculous reason, she and I were together. She was smiling like that when she was looking at ME. SHE was admiring ME. I felt myself smiling back at her, but I probably didn’t quite match the dazzling movie star smile she was wearing. I feared that I looked quite dopey, but on this particular day, I couldn’t bring myself to care about it. Not really. 

“Well, well,” she said as she came over to me and her long fingers came to rest on my hips. “Don’t you look absolutely marvelous tonight, miss Swanson.”

“You look... Well, you look...” Damnit. I couldn’t get the words out. Probably because there weren’t any words to describe how utterly breathtaking, she looked tonight. 

A teasing smile blossomed on Tanya’s lips. “That bad, huh?”

“No, you ass!” I said exasperated. “You look... You look fucking stunning, okay?”

That amused her. “Flirt,” she said satisfied and kept her left hand resting on my hip as she turned to look at herself in the mirror. She brushed a hand over the bodice and straightened her posture a little.

“How do you even breathe in that thing?” I asked with a slight chuckle. 

“Shallowly. Call for medical attention if my lips starts turning blue.”

Before I could answer that fairly alarming statement, Frank emerged from the bedroom. Not carrying the cat this time, but a little velvet box instead. “Your earrings, miss Goldstein,” he said and sounded only a little bit stressed as he opened the little box for her. 

“You’re the man,” Tanya said as she lifted one earring out of the box and put it on. The other one followed suit a second later, and bam, those earrings really did make everything pop. The color of the dress, the shade of her eyes. They seemed extra vibrant and sparkling tonight. 

Frank chuckled a bit at her remark. “Ten minutes before the car arrives, miss Goldstein.”

I felt a flutter of anxiety again. Only ten minutes before a car would arrive and take us to the Beverly Hilton hotel where the award show took place. Man, I was nervous! Which was ridiculous. Because technically, I didn’t have any reason to be nervous. At least not as much as Tanya did. She was the real debutante tonight. My main job was to smile, tell who made my dress and support Tanya. That was all. No biggie at all.

Tanya thanked Frank and asked him to go check on Genevieve before we “rolled” as she put it, and then she checked her phone. She had done that several times today. I had asked her about it earlier and had expected her to say that she was checking Instagram or something like that, but instead she had muttered something half-heartedly, and it hadn’t taken me long to figure out what she was actually doing. She was checking to see if her parents had called or texted her good luck with tonight. Which they hadn’t. Assholes. I had been glowering every time I caught that faint look of disappointment and hurt on her face every time, she slipped the phone back in her pocket or purse, but she hadn’t said anything about it. She clearly didn’t want to talk about her parents today, and I more than understood that. 

“You look beautiful,” I told her, now placing my own hand on her right hip.

“Thank you,” she chuckled and gave my hand on her hip a little pat. “You look mighty sharp tonight too.”

I laughed and was about to say something when my phone vibrated somewhere in the little clutch again. Fishing the phone out and checking the message, I told her: “it’s Angie. She’s saying good luck. Cooper too.”

Tanya flashed a smile in the mirror. “That was nice of them. Tell them thanks.”

“I will,” I assured, grinning slightly as I texted my friend back and shame-used the exclamation point when describing how utterly stunning Tanya looked tonight. When I was done writing, I looked up just in time to see Tanya draw in a deep breath. Her bare shoulders lifted to drop back down almost dramatically. 

“Nervous?” I asked softly and put a hand on her shoulder. Her skin felt warm and she smelled awesome. French vanilla as always. 

“About what?” she asked and smiled as we made eye contact in the mirror. “Walking up a red carpet and saying hi to a few reporters?” 

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“I’m sure it’ll go swimmingly,” she lazily drawled. “I’m quite good at talking to reporters.” She gave me a rather cheeky wink.

“For the love of god, don’t talk to other reporters the same way you’re talking to me,” I groaned and mock shivered. 

Tanya laughed. “Don’t worry. You’re my favorite reporter.”

“You’re my favorite actress,” I told her. 

She chuckled richly. “I better be.”

“And you’re going to out win every single other actress present tonight.”

“Don’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not going to win.”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

“Because I’m new in the award game, darling,” she said, looking as patient as though she was a kindergarten teacher. “None of the newbies ever win.”

“You’ll be the exception.”

“Mara.”

“Fine. I won’t say it again,” I said and held up my hands in a sort of surrendering gesture. “But I will however think it. You can’t prevent me from doing that.”

“Idiot.”  
“Asshole,” I said without skipping a beat, and Tanya let out a rich laughter I soon joined in on. I felt like a giddy teenager who had gotten dressed up for prom or something like that. When I told Tanya that, her laughter only intensified and filled the living room. Once again, I thought to myself how fucking seductive she sounded when she laughed. 

But someone who wasn’t laughing was Frank when he came into the living room again. His voice radiated professionalism when he said: “the car is here, miss Goldstein.” 

“Excellent,” Tanya said and smiled at her personal assistant. 

The door to the bedroom opened again, and Alisha emerged with a light grey shawl slung over her left arm and carrying a black lace bolero. She handed me the shawl, and I hastily slung the feather light material over my shoulders. Next, she helped Tanya slip her arms through the black bolero. Apparently wearing something a little extra on the drive to the hotel was a good thing. I didn’t quite know why, but I chose to just roll with it. There were situations where you shouldn’t ask questions, and this was definitely one of those situations.   
Ann-Margret came rushing into the living room and scrutinized our makeup critically for a moment before deciding that both of us looked “appropriate for the red carpet”.

“We good?” Tanya asked and looked at me. 

“Yep. Totally.”

“Then why do you look like you’re dying?” she asked and cocked her head. 

I immediately put on a smile, and her eyes grew softer as she slipped her long fingers between mine. “You’ll do amazing, Mara. You look beautiful. My very own Audrey Hepburn.”

I chuckled at the quirky compliment and gave her fingers a squeeze. 

“Miss Goldstein, I don’t want to rush you, but it really is time to go,” Frank said a bit hectically. 

“Very well,” Tanya said kindly and flashed him a patient smile. “We’ll be on our way, Frank. No need to look so alarmed.” She gave my fingers another squeeze. “Come, Mara. Let’s go out there and brave the red carpet.”

Despite being more than a tiny bit nervous, I chuckled. Tanya and I left the living room, our gowns going swish-swish-swish every time we took a step, and I was grateful that I wouldn’t be doing much   
walking tonight. My feet were already dying because of the ridiculously high heels I was wearing tonight. They were hella uncomfortable and squeezed my toes, but there were also certain perks. When I wore these shoes, I was a tiny bit taller than Tanya, and god, was I planning on taking advantage of that later tonight when I kissed her. I couldn’t kiss her now because of the lipstick, but later... oh, how I would kiss her later. No matter how tonight went. 

In the hallway, Tanya scratched Genevieve’s furry cheek, instructed her to be a “good girl” for Alexandra, who’s official position I didn’t know, but I was pretty sure it was “cat-sitter” tonight. 

The “car” waiting for us, turned out to be nothing less than a sleek, white limousine. I had ridden in a limousine before, but never quite like this. We were greeted by Tanya’s chauffeur, Peter who looked very sleek in a black blazer and cap. He smiled as he opened the door and patiently waited while we climbed inside and wiggled around to make sure that no layers of skirts ended up trapped in the door. 

When we were all buckled up, he slammed the door and climbed onto the driver’s seat. We were offered champagne, but we both declined. 

“Ask me again by the end of the night,” Tanya joked as she flipped the switch that made the separating wall roll up and shield us from Peter and Fred who was sitting on the passenger’s seat up front. Frank and a bunch of Tanya’s staff would follow in their own cars. 

I could barely feel it when Peter started the limousine. The engine’s soft whirring was worlds away from my good old car and Tanya’s Buick. The windows were tinted, impossible to look out at. I had to look at Tanya instead. She had found her phone again, and she was frowning as she looked at the screen. I could guess what that frown meant. Still nothing from her parents. I reached out and put my hand over hers. “Hey,” I said when she looked up, still frowning. 

“Hey?” she parroted confused and oh, so innocently. 

She couldn’t fool me. I knew she had been upset only a second ago. “Look, they don’t deserve you, okay?” I said softly. “They’re... they’re idiots!”

She chuckled, lifted her free hand and patted my cheek lightly once. “You’re sweet,” she said, but her green eyes still looked a bit stormy. “And I’m the idiot. I haven’t talked to them in a month. Why should that suddenly change?”

“You’re not an idiot, you’re awesome!” I said firmly. “And I feel real sorry for your parents because they’re too fuckin’ stupid not to see that. Real sorry!”

Tanya chuckled. “You have the weirdest way of cheering me up.”

I shrugged. “This is your night. Of course you should be happy.” I gently lifted the phone from her lap and slipped it back in her little clutch. “And not worry about anything.”

“You are sweet,” she repeated. “If it hadn’t been for my lipstick, I would have kissed you right now.”

“But then Ann-Margret would have killed you. And possibly me too.”

Tanya cackled. “That could make quite the movie, couldn’t it? ‘Makeup artist kills actress and her girlfriend in a fit of rage’.”

“Nice headline. You should become a reporter,” I teased her. 

“Maybe that’s what I’ll do if the acting thing fails,” she snickered. 

“Ha!” I could scarcely imagine that. As in at all. Tanya’s talent for acting was the reason we were sitting in this car, for fucks sake....

The next few hours were surreal to say the least. I saw Alexander Scott and Mercy Kingston and a bunch of Tanya’s colleagues. There were greetings and air kisses and Mercy and Tanya wishing each other good luck. Mercy was nominated for “Love Me Not” as well. In the category “Best TV Supporting Actress”. Alexander hadn’t been nominated, but the series itself was. That was why Alexander as well as the rest of the cast and crew was there. I met Palma Duford, the director, and I watched as Alexander drew Tanya into a hug, and I couldn’t help but chuckle when hearing how they teased each other in a brother/sister sort of way. I had already met Alexander once, but never Mercy, and she smiled as we shook hands. “So you’re the famous Mara.”

“Famous?” I echoed, chuckling slightly. I was hardly the famous one here.

“Yeah, famous,” she said briskly. “Maybe I haven’t met you before, but I feel like I know you, because Tanya. Never. Stops. Talking. About. You.”

“Oh do shut up, Mercy,” Tanya teased and squeezed my hand slightly. “You’ll only give her ideas.”

Mercy chuckled and threw herself into complimenting our dresses. Compliments, which Tanya and I returned. Mercy too looked stunning tonight in a daring backless, red dress. There were gowns in all   
shapes and sizes here, but I still found that Tanya was the most beautiful woman present. I told her that, and she once again told me that I was an idiot, but her voice was soft, so soft, and never had the insult sounded more tender than on this particular evening. 

Alexander laughed at our friendly banter and gave Tanya’s shoulder a light pat. “So, you nervous?”

“No,” Tanya said and tipped up her chin. 

Alexander frowned. “Not even the littlest bit?”

“No. You’re not that scary, Alex.”

He laughed heartedly at that. “Impossible to rattle. Even at the Golden Globes.”

“Yes, indeed,” Tanya happily agreed with him, and then she laughed too. Her hand squeezed mine again, and I squeezed back. I had a feeling that the little squeeze meant that she actually was nervous now. It was one thing to be at home or sitting in the limo. But actually being here amongst all the veteran actors and actresses, that was bound to be a little intimidating. She was a newbie here. 

Mercy was clearly nervous too. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t be chit chatting like she was doing right now. She was actually very similar to Emily Welles, the character she was playing in “Love Me Not”. She was at least talking just as fast as she sometimes did. I smiled at her, squeezed Tanya’s hand again. Tanya squeezed back and then we headed over to Palma. Tanya introduced me more properly, and Palma smiled dazzlingly at me and asked me about the dress I was wearing tonight. 

Those questions were repeated a moment later when we walked the red carpet. A microphone was more or less shoved into my face by a reporter from InStyle.

“Hi, Mara,” the reporter said almost overly enthusiastically. “How are you doing tonight?”

“I’m doing good, thanks, how are you?” I said politely, repeating the phrase I had rehearsed about a million times already. 

“I’m quite well. What’s it like for you to go from being a reporter to suddenly walking the red carpet?” she asked. 

“Well, of course it’s a bit surreal,” I said and chuckled slightly. “But I obviously wanted to be here and support Tanya tonight.”

As on cue, Tanya appeared by my side after having being photographed. She smiled at the reporter as she took my hand again. 

“Good evening, Tanya,” the reporter said. 

“Good evening,” she said, now giving her best Hollywood smile. 

“It’s been only a month since you and Mara made your relationship public,” the reporter said. “What’s it like to walk the red carpet with your girlfriend tonight?” 

Tanya shot me a sideways glance. “Something I never even allowed myself to dream of. I’m very happy to have Mara with me tonight.”

The brunette reporter smiled in a way that more than suggested that she found us to be the sweetest couple ever. She proceeded to ask Tanya a bunch of questions about the nomination, and the possibility of winning, etc. 

Tanya politely brushed it off with a smile. “I’m just happy to be here tonight.”

“I understand,” the reporter smiled. “Have a wonderful evening.”

“Thank you,” we said in unison, and I tried not to laugh out loud when Tanya a moment later whispered in my ear that I still was her favorite reporter. 

We met many reporters and answered a lot of questions about your dresses and how we were doing tonight. To my surprise, many of the reporters were very focused on the fact that this was my first public appearance. A few of them called me mysterious, even illustrious. That amused Tanya, and she told that it was her fault. She was the one who had been reluctant because she wanted to protect me. 

“That’s very sweet,” the reporter said and then he wished us a good night. 

We were also being photographed quite a lot that evening. And Tanya showed absolutely no hesitance when they pleaded for us to “stand a bit closer together”. She wrapped an arm around me, smiled at the camera and all that. The situation was so unfamiliar for me, but I still felt like I was doing a pretty good job at blending in and mingling with the “expensive” crowd. Even though the flash from the cameras were blinding me and it was surprisingly warm to walk the red carpet. It must have been all those lamps. 

Later, when we had found our seats at our table, it was a bit easier for me to relax and be more “myself”, even though Mercy and the others were sitting with us. Leaning in, I whispered to Tanya: “the stage isn’t even that big.”

“I know,” she whispered back and chuckled. “Funny, isn’t it?”

And it was. I couldn’t help but chuckling too. 

“Have I mentioned how nice you look tonight, darling?” Tanya asked as she reached out and grabbed the glass of water standing on the table. She took a little sip and licked her lips delicately. “Did that smudge my lipstick?”

“Not even in the slightest.”

“Good. I feel absolutely parched. I don’t know what’s the matter with me.”

“You’re nervous,” I said simply. 

She scoffed. “What’s there to me nervous about? We’ve already talked to the reporters. Including the ones from Juicy Bits.”

“Yeah.” I grinned. “That was pretty hilarious, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” she agreed, and I amused myself with the memory of talking to Boris and being photographed by Leo. Boris had asked exactly the same questions as the other reporters, and it had been real hard for me not to get familiar with him. I wasn’t supposed to be that tonight. 

Next to me, Tanya took a deep breath, which completely threw her claim about not being nervous out the window. I took her hand, squeezed it. Leaned in so I could whisper: “what do I do if you win? Do I kiss you?”

“I’m not going to-“

“No-no,” I said a tad overbearingly. “But suppose you did. What do I do then? Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Tanya said without skipping a beat. “That’d be nice.”

I chuckled and squeezed her hand again. “That what I’ll do then.”

“I’m not going to win.”

I shook my head just a little. Normally she oozed of confidence. And yet she was so adamant that she wouldn’t win tonight. She didn’t even have a sliver of hope. But luckily, I had hope enough for the both of us. I just had a feeling that she would win. And even if she didn’t, she would still be my favorite actress no matter what. Her talent would still have been recognized and earned her a nomination. That was something in my book. I flashed her a smile, and she returned it. Another Hollywood smile. 

“How’s the breathing thing going?” I asked quietly, glancing at her tight bodice. 

In return, Tanya made a face and muttered something about bruised ribs and a squashed spleen and the need of medical attention later.

I laughed at that. Told her I’d be happy to access her “traumas” later. 

The show started, and Tanya and I laughed our way through the opening. It was really strange to sit here in this hall and watch it live rather than watching it on television. Tanya sat calmly next to me, laughed at the hosts’ jokes, but kept playing with my fingers as the categories was presented on the big screen in front of us. A blend of different movies and shows filled the screen, and when her face flickered across it in a scene from “Love Me Not”, I released her hand and applauded extra loudly. Tanya glared a little at me but didn’t say anything. And just as well. Nothing could prevent me from celebrating her tonight. Nothing whatsoever. 

“What’s gonna happen in the next season?” I whispered quietly. 

She scoffed, whispered back: “like I’m gonna tell you.”

“Please?”

“Not a chance.”

I pouted and tried to be adorable, but all I got was a soft whap on the arm. Fucking rude. 

“Are you hitting your girlfriend?” Mercy asked playfully behind us, and Tanya laughed. 

So did I. I was having a rather wonderful time, watching all kinds of celebrities coming on stage, accepting their awards and thanking their friends and family, directors, crew and everyone else involving in creating a movie or a series. Some of them looked nervous as they came on stage and held their thank you speech. A speech which Tanya hadn’t written. I zoned out as a man whose name I didn’t quite catch accepted his award for Best Screenplay and imagined Tanya walking on up on the stage to accept her own award. Would she be nervous and fast talking? Or would she say her thank you’s in a low, raspy voice? Would her voice tremble? Would she cry? And exactly how was I supposed to stop myself from running up there and kissing her if that was the case? I clapped as the man walked off the stage with his award, but that wasn’t really what I was seeing. I saw Tanya walk off the stage with her own award. I could actually see it happen even though she couldn’t. I had plenty of belief for both of us, and   
I gave her hand another little squeeze. In return, she turned her head and flashed me a teasing little smile, but I noted that she was shifting a bit in her seat. “What?” I whispered quietly. 

“Squashed spleen,” she said plainly and bared her teeth in another grin. 

“Tragic,” I told her as I shamelessly let my eyes roam over her. She had shrugged off her bolero, and I couldn’t stop admiring her emerald green dress. As uncomfortable as it probably was, it looked pretty fucking epic on her. A small price to pay, as she’d joked in the car. I wouldn’t say that I was as comfortable as I would have been in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, but I wasn’t strictly UNcomfortable either. I imagined that taking off this dress would be like taking off your bra after a long day...

Mercy didn’t get the award for “Best TV Supporting Actress”. The award instead went to an older and more experienced actress. A “veteran”. Mercy looked disappointed but still applauded as the older actress walked on stage and accepted her award. 

“Told you,” Tanya whispered in my ear. “Always the veterans.”

I muttered something incoherent in response and felt a flutter of both excitement and anxiety as the older actress went on to thank her family and fellow cast and crew. After this award, the award for   
“Best Actress- Television Drama” would come up. Tanya’s category. I let go of Tanya’s hand, didn’t want her to know how sweaty my palms had gone, and I tried to discreetly wipe them on the bottom of my dress. 

Not discreetly enough. “What are you doing?” Tanya whispered next to me. 

“Nothing,” I mouthed back and flashed her a reassuring smile. 

“Is your spleen getting squashed too?” she joked and discreetly ran a finger up my bare arm. 

“Little bit,” I lied and tried to will myself not to break out in goosebumps where she was touching me. It didn’t work at all. 

Tanya chuckled quietly. “Give it six-ish hours and you’ll be free to take it off.”

“Right. Only six more hours to go,” I joked and rubbed my arm discreetly. For once she hadn’t noticed the effect her touches had on me. Or maybe she had but was too busy watching the stage to pay attention. 

After something that felt like a little eternity, the older actress walked off the stage with her award. Tanya and I applauded her along with the rest of the room, and during the short “break” in which I knew there would be commercials when this was shown on television, I observed as Tanya wiggled slightly on her chair. Twice I saw her hand wander to her clutch but stop before she could whip out her phone. It had to be the parents still niggling in the back of her head. Those fucking un supporting parents of hers! I growled under my breath and whipped out my own phone. “Wanna take a Golden Globe selfie with me, Goldstein?”

“Oh yes. If you promise to upload it afterwards. And tag me.”

“I promise. Now smile for the dickie bird,” I said as I held up my phone. 

Tanya first made a face over the “horrible expression” but then she smiled dazzlingly at the camera. So did I, and I made sure to sit as close to her as possible. After this, no one would claim that there wasn’t any pictures of us together. 

“Brilliant,” I said and laughed loudly upon realizing that Mercy and Alexander had photobombed us in the background. 

“Nice,” Tanya said with a roll of her green eyes. “Very stylish. Idiots.”

Both Mercy and Alexander claimed that they were hilarious. Tanya didn’t quite agree to that statement. 

After the short break it was time. Time for the award for “Best Actress- Television Drama”. An older actor walked on stage. Said a few funny words and then presented the nominees. I squeezed Tanya’s hand tightly as snippets of different actresses in various situations flittered across the screen, and I couldn’t help but grin as the scene where Celeste Bellamy throws the plate against the wall while yelling that she hates every single man on the planet. That had been a brilliant, strong scene, and I applauded like crazy when the scene ended. Another actress in another scene was shown on the screen, but I couldn’t focus. All I could do was wait and almost wiggle in impatience as the older actor cleared his throat and said: “and the winner is...” with a refined motion, he tore open the envelope in his hand and finished the sentence: “Tanya Goldstein, Love Me Not!”

Behind me, I heard both Alexander and Mercy go somewhat crazy as the applauded, but that wasn’t my main focus. My main focus was Tanya who brought her hands up to her face in a genuine ‘what the fuck just happened?’-moment. For a moment, she allowed all her hidden pockets of uncertainty and self-doubt shine through as she hid her face in her hands. I leaned to my right and gently peeled her hands away from her face and kissed square on the lips. I cupped her face in my hands, whispered in her ear: “what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?” then I kissed her again. A little longer. I could hear the applauds as we kissed, and I was pretty sure that the moment was immortalized by some camera, but I literally didn’t care right now. After a second or so, she returned the kiss, her hand cupped my face, and then she pulled back. I helped as she rose from her chair, and I smiled widely as I saw her more or less be attacked by Alexander and Mercy and a bunch of other people from the “Love Me Not” production who all hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek. I was so proud my heart could have popped right out of my chest as I watched her walk up to the stage in her beautiful dress that shimmered with each step she took. The title melody from “Love Me Not” played as she walked, and for a moment I wished that I could have filmed this. The older actor gallantly took her hand, helped her up on stage and then kissed her cheek and handed her the golden award. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said into the microphone, and I saw her hands tremble slightly as she clutched the award. “Wow. I didn’t write a speech for this. Talk about coming unprepared...” everyone laughed at that. Myself included. 

“But I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press,” Tanya continued. “The cast, Mercy and Alexander are sitting right there, and they both look terrific. You chose a great time for a haircut, Alex.” Everyone laughed again. “The writers, Palma, the incredible director. My agent, who kept nagging me until I auditioned for the role, thanks, Stacey, I promise I’ll listen more to you in the future.”

I was impressed. Fucking impressed. She hadn’t written a speech, and yet she was standing up there, nailing it completely. I looked and looked and looked at her as she thanked Netflix for picking up the show, her never failing makeup artist and a whole group of other people responsible for making this happen.

“And last but certainly not least, I’d like to thank my girlfriend who also happens to be here tonight,” Tanya said, and I was sure we made eye contact for a moment. She smiled and her green eyes glimmered like a pair of emeralds. Never had she looked more beautiful. It occurred to me that I had thought that many, many times tonight already. I smiled. Felt my heart thudding a little faster in my chest. She shouldn’t be allowed to look at me like that. It made me want to do all kinds of crazy things. Like running up there and kissing her. God knows that was what I wanted to do. And gods knows that she had deserved this award. I had never been in doubt about Tanya’s acting chops, but it was nice to know that there were others who weren’t either. They had awarded her with a “golden” statuette.   
I knew what that meant to her. Especially on the days where she allowed me to see the part of herself that didn’t fully believe in herself. She had those days too. She had days where her parents’ words about “acting not being a real career” came back to haunt her. But tonight everyone could see it. Could see how much of a real career acting was, and how fucking good at it she truly was! This was only the first step on the ladder, I was sure of that. She’d win again. I just knew she would. I had been right about this, so why should I be wrong about her chances of winning other awards? I could easily imagine her career taking flight after tonight. There would be other offers, I was sure of that too. I felt my grin widen as I looked at her. God, how she fucking deserved this! Once again, I wanted to go up there and kiss her. Somewhere behind me, I felt Alexander reach out and squeeze my shoulder slightly. I wasn’t the only one who was proud of Tanya tonight.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight,” Tanya continued, and I was sure I saw her chin wobble just a little bit. “Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for still being able to stand me. I’m not sure how you do it.” she took a breath, chuckled slightly at her little joke. Then she lifted the award a little higher. “And to those who have claimed that I’d never make it as an actress... look what I can do. Thank you.” 

I applauded like I had never applauded before as the music played while she was escorted off the stage with the award in hand. After a moment she was sitting next to me again. Now with the Golden Globe resting in her lap.

I leaned in and kissed her cheek, repeated “what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?”

“Shut up,” she said a bit croakily, and I noted that her eyes were a bit misty. I wasn’t planning on shutting up, though. I laughed, gave her hand a squeeze and her cheek another kiss. “Maybe this will teach you to actually listen to me once in a while!”

“I said, shut up,” she grumbled, nonchalantly dumping the award onto my lap and then reaching into her clutch to grab a few tissues. 

I lifted the award and weighed it in my hand. It was surprisingly heavy. I turned my head, glanced at Tanya: “I can touch it, right?”

She merely scoffed in return, and I took it as the go-ahead sign and lifted the award again. “Wow.”

Tanya chuckled now as she delicately dabbed underneath her eyes. “Is my makeup completely screwed up now?”

“Nope, you’re good. Thank god for waterproof mascara.”

“I’m not crying,” she denied. 

“Of course not.” 

“I am not!”

I just chuckled. I knew better. I let the award fall back onto my lap and gave her hand another soft squeeze. 

“Shut up,” she muttered. 

“I wasn’t saying anything.”

“I could hear you think.”

I laughed. “Aww, come on. You just said so many nice things about me!”

“Don’t let it get to you,” she mock warned and leaned back in her seat. We both applauded for the next category, the next winner, but I didn’t see much of it, to be honest. I was too focused on Tanya and the fact that she’d just won a freaking Golden Globe. That was all I could focus on. How much she had deserved it, how much I couldn’t wait to celebrate this with her properly. Without all the cameras focusing on us. My belle tingled and tightened pleasantly at the thought and had to bite the inside of my cheek not to smile wickedly. I didn’t really have the need for my grin to be immortalized by some camera. I realized that I was still sitting with the award in my lap, and I quickly lifted the statuette and carefully placed it in Tanya’s lap instead. It was hers after all. 

Tanya looked up and flashed me a crooked little smile. “Too heavy for you, Swanson?”

“It’s yours,” I told her with a soft chuckle and a slight smile. 

“Yes. I suppose it is,” she said slowly. Her long fingers wrapped around the award and she cocked her head as she studied it. 

I chuckled again. “It’s nice.”

“Mmm,” Tanya drawled. Her eyes gleamed as she eyed the award, and for a moment I felt tempted to make a joke about leaving her and the award alone for a while, but I quickly decided against it. Now wasn’t the time for teasing. She was entirely allowed to give the statuette a dreamy look....

The afterparty could easily be described as something I had never been a part of before. Nor ever having imagined being a part of before. But nevertheless I was. I chitchatted with Mercy Kingston about the cabin in Smoky Mountains Tanya had bought. I was showered in compliments by Palma, the director of “Love Me Not”, I was lifted by Alexander who gave me a big ol’ bearhug, and I participated in an enormous “Love Me Not”-selfie, featuring the entire crew and cast with Tanya and the award in forefront. I laughed as Tanya was hugged and kissed by pretty much everyone. Selfies were taken. The award went from hand to hand and was weighed and admired. I talked to actors and actresses Angie would envy me for having met when I told her about it. I went along on their jokes about my job as a reporter and asked them if they had any comments. I laughed along with them as they used so many curse words none of the things they said ever could be used in an actual interview. I ate tiny canapés and drank pink champagne out of a very tall glass. So did Tanya, but I noticed that Frank appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of water. Tanya deftly uncapped the bottle and mixed the water with the pink champagne. 

“Doesn’t go well with my meds,” she said simply as she caught me looking. 

“Good for you,” I said. And I meant it. I was happy to see her being sensible and remembering not to go overboard even though tonight was a night for celebration and all that.

She flashed me a smile. “A bit dull, but I won’t end up with a headache tomorrow.”  
I returned the smile and sat my own half-empty glass down on one of the tables. That was a very tall glass. I had already had one glass of champagne tonight, and I had absolutely no interest in ending up getting shit-faced. Not tonight. 

“Wanna dance?” Tanya asked lightly. 

And that was exactly what I wanted. We both groaned because of the high heels. I couldn’t dance for long. And actually, there were things I’d rather do with her. Things that didn’t involve a large room full of people in various state of intoxication. So after two half-hearted dances where we elegantly declined Alexander’s offer about coming with him to the pool, I gave her hand a squeeze and queried: “wanna get out of here, Goldstein?”

“God, yes,” she said and couldn’t quite suppress a groan. “I have a feeling that Alex just tossed Mercy into the pool, and if there’s places this dress isn’t going, it’s in the pool. Even though I’ve heard someone say that’s it’s customary for first time winners to jump in head first.”

“Oh god,” I laughed and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”

“Quickly,” Tanya added. 

So as sneaky as a couple of burglars, we slipped through the crowded room and into the elevator. Tanya chuckled and waved the award slightly as the elevator whirred.

By the time we reached our ridiculously large Presidential Suite, both of us were pretty giggly. Not because we had consumed alcohol, but simply “because”. Because this night was incredible, because we felt warm and contend and because of the award Tanya was still holding in her hand. 

“Golden Globe winner,” I said as I placed my hands on her hips and drew her closer. 

“Shut up,” she half-laughed. 

“Golden Globe winner,” I said again as I kissed her cheek. 

“Be quiet.”

“Golden Globe winner.” Now I kissed the corner of her mouth. 

“Mara,” she warned. 

“Golden. Globe. Winner.” I covered her mouth with my own. Now I could finally do that without worrying about smearing her lipstick. She half-mumbled something against her my lips, so I shushed her by squeezing her hips slightly and slipping my tongue in between her parted lips. 

Tanya moaned and threw her arms around my neck despite still holding onto the award. She didn’t give two shits, and honestly, neither did I. Right now she could probably have bashed me in the head   
with the award, and I still wouldn’t give a damn. I let my hands slide back and lower until I could give her ass a half-hard squeeze. Which was actually quite the achievement when she was wearing so many layers. She was so wrapped up in silk and chiffon underskirts tonight. I’d like to unwrap her. Like she was a present with a nice big bow on top. Still with my hands on her ass and without breaking the kiss, I began to nudge her backwards. Which could be categorized as dangerous because of the insanely high heels she was wearing tonight, but she immediately got the hint and began to walk backwards. She stopped when the back of her knees connected with the bedframe, but I just gave her another shove and allowed myself to giggle like an idiot when she teethered, stumbled backwards and landed on the bed. She hadn’t released her grip on me, so naturally, I went down with her. Dress and everything. And with the award pressing into the back of my neck for a split second.

She huffed. “What are you playing at, Swanson?”

“What do you THINK I’m playing at, Goldstein?” I asked as I elegantly adjusted myself a little better on top of her. We were a mess of tangled underskirts, and our gowns would undoubtedly end up wrinkled because of it, but again, I couldn’t bring myself to care. 

Tanya smirked now. “Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say-“

I didn’t let her finish the sentence. Instead I claimed her mouth in another not too tender kiss. Her long fingers tangled into my hair, undoubtedly mussing up the pretty Audrey-style I had been donning for the night, but what the fuck did it matter? I deepened the kiss, slipped my tongue in between her parted lips, wrapped it around the tip of hers and sucked gently. She moaned into my mouth, and I felt her hips wiggle slightly. Now it was her hands landing on my ass. I wasn’t wearing quite as many underskirts as she did, so I had no problem with feeling it when she squeezed dug her nails into my skin. 

Everything else quickly melted away. The music from the ongoing afterparty downstairs. The squeals and screams of delight and splashes when someone either jumped or were thrown into the pool. I couldn’t hear it anymore. The only sound I could hear was our lips meeting and the little moans both of us released at the sensation. This... This was exactly how I wanted to end the night. This was exactly what I had imagined doing ever since she first stepped out wearing this dress. Fuck, she was just so gorgeous! Once again, I couldn’t quite believe that she was with me. That I was the lucky bastard who got to kiss her like this, touch her like this. That a goddess like her reacted with moans and arched back every time I touched her, every time I kissed her. After a month as Tanya’s “official” girlfriend, I still wasn’t used to it, and for a moment I allowed myself to dream. A year down the road. Two years. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Would I still feel in awe after ten years of kissing and touching her? Yes, most likely. Of course there were no guarantees that in ten years it would still be her and me, but tonight everything was possible. Tonight I allowed myself to dream and drown in wonderful fantasies. 

I moaned into her mouth, feeling breathless all the sudden, realizing that I needed air. I broke the kiss, and she smiled lazily up at me. Her lipstick wasn’t even that smeared. It had to be crazily kiss proof or something like that. But those pretty lips of hers could probably use a break for now. I bowed my head and kissed her neck. That elicited another moan from her, and just to make sure she stayed in the right headspace, I murmured: “Golden Globe winner.”

“Shut... up.”

“Golden Globe winner!” I sucked lightly at her pulse point, and she moaned and moved her head to the left for better access. I kissed and nipped and sucked gently at the skin. Felt tempted to sink in my teeth and play vampire for a second, so to quell that urge, I lifted my head just a little so I could whisper in her ear: “Golden Globe winner.”

She moaned breathily and gave my ass a hard squeeze. Oh, she was definitely getting off on this! Hearing me remind her of what she’d just achieved was making her hot and bothered, and I was planning on taking advantage of it. Without taking my lips off her neck, I reached down and grabbed a fistful of her skirt. I tugged and yanked and did my best to ruck up the layers of skirts she was wearing tonight, and after a few seconds, I felt her hand on top of mine. She was helping me pull up her skirts.

“You’re wearing too many layers!” I complained as I managed to ruck up one of the skirts she was wearing. 

She just groaned in response and did a little wiggle that almost send me toppling off of her. But that wiggle did something good too. It send the layers of underskirts upwards and bared her knees. I could work with that. And I could do it myself. I grabbed her hand, brought it back to my ass and then slowly let my fingers travel up her leg. “Golden Globe winner,” I breathed as I gradually let my hand climb higher. 

Tanya moaned underneath me and once again I felt her nails dig into my ass. 

Golden Globe winner!” my hand was on her outer thigh now, and I was sure I could feel her part her legs for me. Pretty impressive that she was capable of that when she was wearing that many layers. And had me on top of her. 

“Award winning actress,” I purred into her ear as I put my hand on her inner thigh. She was warm there. Very warm. And slick. Damn, she was really getting off on hearing me praising her like this! I gave   
her smooth inner thigh a little pinch. “Award winning actress.”

“Oh, fuck!” she hissed.

I grinned wickedly, kissed a spot just below her ear before mouthing my way up and letting my hand do the same. Slowly, slowly, up, up, up. “Award winning-“ I stopped talking when my hand reached its destination. I could feel nothing but smooth skin and slick, warm folds. 

Now she was the one grinning wickedly up at me. 

“Seriously?” I half-moaned. “You went to the Golden Globe award commando?!”

“Panty lines,” Tanya scoffed. “Looks so unfortunate under a dress, don’t you think?”

“You’re not wearing a bra either,” I pointed out. I had known that she wouldn’t since she first tried on the dress, and I was grateful for the way I could feel her nipples against my own chest, but the   
knowledge that she literally was naked underneath this dress was just...

She cackled. “I don’t think you actually mind, do you?”

I settled for a headshake. That was pretty much the only thing I could muster right now. 

“So come on then, darling,” she purred and wiggled her hips again. “Let your fingers do the walking.”

“I swear to god, you have the worst euphemisms sometimes!”

“How about this then?” she lifted her head, so her mouth was in direct line with my ear, and then she whispered: “Fuck. Me!”

I swallowed thickly. “Yeah, that works.” I lowered my mouth to her neck and began to kiss it again while slowly beginning to stroke between her thighs. Just lightly running my fingers through her folds from entrance to clit until she wiggled and moaned and more or less ordered me to “do something else, damnit!”

“You are such a bossy award winning actress,” I told her as I lined two of my fingers up with her entrance. 

She cursed, wiggled her hips and I slipped my fingers inside her, moaning at the way her pussy gripped my digits so deliciously tight. If we still were together in ten years, I would definitely not be used to   
this by ten. Sex with Tanya would be incredible no matter how much time passed, that was something I was quite sure of. 

“Award winning actress,” I purred as I slowly and gently began to move my fingers inside her. 

She cried out, and I felt her gripping at my dress. For a moment I feared that she would rip it. Which would have been pretty sexy, but a bit of a shame too. It was bad enough that we were crinkling these beautiful gowns by doing this in them. 

“Award winning actress,” I repeated as I gently bit down on her neck while wiggling my fingers inside her again. Fuck, she was so tight!

“Fucking hell!” she gritted out and I lifted my head to look at her. Her lips were parted, her eyes squeezed shut, one hand were clutching the sheet underneath her while the other one was still firmly   
planted on my ass. 

“You are so hot!” I hissed into her ear and upped my fingers’ pace just a little. She let out something that could have been a yelp, and I felt her hips starting to move along with my thrusts. 

“Tell me....” I murmured into her ear and kissed a spot just below it before continuing: “how does it feel to have won?”

“It feels....fucking fantastic!” she gasped. 

“Yeah?” I asked innocently and found her g-spot in another firm, quick, thrust.

“Fuck yes!” she moaned. “Don’t stop!”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” To make a point, I wiggled my hand so the heel of it was pressing against her clit. I could feel the swollen nub twitch slightly under my touch, and Tanya moaned again. 

“You know what I wanna do?” I asked her as I rubbed her g-spot with my fingertips. 

“W-what?” she gasped. 

“To rip off your dress so I can see all of you. Can I do that now that you’re an award winning actress?”

The answer to that was clearly yes. She cried out and grabbed my ass so tightly, I was sure there would be a mark tomorrow. And I didn’t mind that at all. I quite fancied having Tanya Goldstein’s marks on   
my body. I felt how her pussy twitched and tightened around my fingers, and I gave her throat a slight nip. “Already?” I asked, voice a bit muffled. 

Tanya just moaned again, and her hips bucked against my fingers. She was basically riding them even though she wasn’t the one on top. Both of her hands were on my ass now. Squeezing and relaxing, squeezing and relaxing, and then digging in her nails. I gasped and had to shut my eyes for a moment. She was making my head fucking spin in ways no one ever had been able to do before. Maybe I’d had a bit too much of the pink champagne, because suddenly the lyrics from Nina Simone’s “I Put a Spell on You” flittered through my mind. Completely fitting for Tanya. But also a tad random given the situation we were in right now. To make up for my random trip to whatever-land, I quickly dipped my head and kissed her exposed throat again, faintly catching the way her emerald green eyes shimmered when the stones caught the light. Still every bit an actress even though she was a bit of a ruffled one right now. I sunk my teeth into her skin now and fully reveled in the way she cried out at that. Tomorrow she would undoubtedly bust me for having marked her tomorrow, but for right now she seemed perfectly satisfied with the way I was treating her. The way my mouth treated her neck and the way her my fingers treated.... other parts of her. I felt wetness drip onto my hand, and I couldn’t help but smirk a little and feel like a smug bastard.

“Is that how award winning actresses come?” I asked lowly, and there was no doubt, her pussy tightened around my fingers when I said, “award winning actress”. Of course I had to take advantage of that. I said it again, and oh yes, it happened again. Her pussy clenched, and I could feel more wetness drip onto my fingers. 

“Come on,” I coaxed, upping the pace a little more. I wasn’t planning on dragging this out and tease tonight. Nor would I tolerate that she did that thing where she squeezed my fingers on purpose. I wanted her to give up her precious control and just let go. 

She cried out, maybe it was words, maybe it was my name mixed with “I’m coming!”. One couldn’t be sure. I stopped trying to figure it out when she cried out a second time, muscles clenching hard, hard, hard around my fingers and head tipped back. I lifted my own head so I could admire the way her lips fell open, the way her eyes squeezed shut and her forehead wrinkled, the way the veins on her neck stood out as she strained for a moment. God, how I loved seeing her in the throes of passion! I could almost see the way she was climbing up, up, up as she chased her orgasm. I kissed her lips, but she barely kissed back. Her fingers squeezed my ass harder than ever before, hard enough to send a jolt of pain through my body. Which did interesting things to the arousal already swirling through my body. Underneath me, Tanya huffed and then she stopped straining. The breath exploded out of her lungs, and I felt my fingers getting coated in her sticky juices. Her grip on my ass loosened, her muscles stopped clenching around my fingers, and I had no problem with understanding her when she mumbled against my lips: “Squashing me.”

I laughed as I gently withdrew my fingers from within her, pecked her lips one last time and then rolled off of her, but a second later I wasn’t laughing anymore. Instead I winced, yelped “ow! Son of a bitch!” when I landed on something hard. 

“What’s the problem?” Tanya asked a bit slurred. 

“I’m laying on something!” I complained and felt sure that I had just bruised my already squeezed ribs. I dug through the layers of bedspread and duvets we were laying on, and then I laughed loudly as I pulled out the “hard thing” I had been laying on. It was Tanya’s award. 

“What’s the joke?” Tanya croaked and lifted her head with some trouble. 

I laughed my head off as I lifted the award and waved it in her face.

“Oh,” she said, chuckling herself. “Well, that serves you right. Vampire.” She rubbed the spot on her neck where I unabashedly had bitten her only a moment ago.

“I don’t think the award winning actress had anything against a little biting a moment ago,” I drawlingly pointed out. 

“Oh, do shut up,” she said, but never had the command sounded more half-assed. And never had her lips felt any softer than when she leaned in and kissed me....


	9. Next Stop, Colorado

Things were pretty crazy in the days after Tanya won her Golden Globe. Obviously, Angie called me the next morning and screeched. She had of course seen the show on television. She had seen Tanya win and wanted to personally congratulate her. I had to give Tanya the phone so Angie could talk to her. Or, screech at her. I could literally hear every single word my roommate said because she was so loud. Which was pretty funny. 

Tanya’s victory was all over the magazines as well. When I opened my preferred gossip magazines on my phone the following morning, the pictures of Tanya shielding her face were all over every single one of those websites. There were pictures of me kissing her with the catching headlines like: ‘Canoodling at the Globes’, or: ‘Goldstein Goes For Gold’, ‘Goldstein triumphs’. The articles were pretty amusing too. The pictures of Tanya and I kissing had been tastefully enlarged, and the article vividly described how ‘the award winning actress seemed less interested in her newly acquired statuette and more interested in her girlfriend, reporter Mara Swanson, 27, who made her first public debut since admitting to be miss Goldstein’s girlfriend in an exclusive interview with Juicy Bits.’ 

Tanya had found that to be highly amusing. She claimed that all the articles were “adorable”. 

But all the articles about her victory being the headline on pretty much every goddamn magazine out there wasn’t the only crazy thing happening. Exactly twenty four hours after Tanya had walked on stage and accepted her award, the first call came for her. A director who was planning on making a horror movie, wanted her as the leading lady, phoned Stacy, Tanya’s agent, and Tanya listened patiently as Stacy told her about the plot. And then she said thanks, but no thanks. It would clash with the shooting of “Heiress”. That was the official explanation Stacy had given, but Tanya had admitted that she thought the movie sounded a little too bland, and honestly, I agreed with her. 

That first director calling her seemed to have broken some kind of dam, and calls from all sorts of directors came swiftly after that. Low-budget movies, big budget movies, movies made for Netflix, movies made for the big screen, HBO series, Hulu series and what not. Tanya said yes to reading a couple of the manuscripts she was offered. Here amongst a manuscript for a movie in which she could get the chance to play a princess in a fairytale world. She claimed that she had always wanted to swan around in a big princess dress. She also said yes to reading more serious manuscripts, though. Like one in which a woman killed her abusive husband and ran away from the law. Another thriller was it, and Tanya found it to be interesting. Romantic comedies was also ranking high on her list. It was a good way to make herself known amongst a larger crowd, she said, and she was probably right about that. Of course there were also things she said no to. Voice acting being one of them. Her time wasn’t for voicing a cartoon character, she said. Maybe at some point, but not right now. Another thing she firmly turned down were musicals. She couldn’t sing to save her life, she had told me while laughing rather hysterically. Her voice was good for acting, but definitely not for singing. There were jobs she had to turn down due to lack of time, jobs that would interfere with her schedule. She still wasn’t sure whether there would be a third season of Love Me Not, so she had to be careful and not say yes to everything. She was still a hundred percent committed to Love Me Not. But the manuscript I saw her be the most enthusiastic about, came from a veteran director. A movie taking place in the 1920’s Paris. Tanya would be playing a woman who worked as a milliner in a small boutique, struggling to get by financially and terrified that the world would discover her secret. That she was gay and in love with a woman who often came and bought a hat from her. Tanya had been absolutely thrilled about that.

“A gay woman in the 1920’s,” she’d said whilst grinning broadly. “That sounds like one hell of an interesting storyline.” Then she had proceeded to read one of the scenes aloud. A scene in which Tanya’s character (Isabelle) helps the woman she’s in love with trying on a hat.

I had smiled because I knew how much she wanted to play a gay character. But a stupid, insecure little part of me which I hadn’t been able to quieten, had ended up making me blurting: “yeah, but aren’t there like gonna be....explicit sex scenes since Lewis Adams is the director?” I had regretted it the moment I said it, but Tanya had just looked calmly at me. Had stated that she hadn’t thought about that and then asked if that would bother me. If that was the case, she wouldn’t be saying yes to that role. I had mentally slapped myself for my stupidity and said that of course she should take the role if she wanted to. This was an amazing opportunity for her. 

Tanya had smiled and said something like “we’ll see. Either way I have plenty of time to think about it. I doubt this is a movie that’ll happen in less than two years.” Then she had proceeded to ran on about this new series she had been offered a part in. Medical Mystery, it was called, and Tanya was totally on board. “I get to be a doctor,” she’d said with a grin. “I never thought that would happen.”

I teased her a little bit and said that she would end up being the next Meredith Grey. 

But despite Tanya being the one to having won an award, she wasn’t the only one who was getting a bit of extra attention. The morning after, when I woke up in the enormous hotel bed and started thinking about something else than the fuck-I’m-still-boneless good sex I’d had with Tanya the night before, I remembered what I had promised her. To post the selfie I had taken of us the night before. I spent five full minutes on wondering what to write as a caption before deciding on a heart emoji. That had to be caption enough. And it was. I received a ridiculous amounts of likes and comments. One in particular made me laugh, because someone had simply tagged us as “my gay aunts”. That was amusing. Afterwards I followed Tanya’s advice and uploaded the picture she had taken of me with my phone. The one where the full length of my dress was visible. My mind had still been pretty foggy after the passionate night I had spend with Tanya, so I ended up simply writing “purple” in the caption. As soon as I had posted it, I wondered how the hell I could call myself a reporter. And then deduced that I was a crappy reporter after a night with Tanya. But I could live with that. Oh yes, I could most certainly live with that!

That picture received many likes and comments as well. Comments that Tanya must have gone crazy when seeing me like that, comments that I was beautiful, a couple of rude ones, and of course the mandatory embarrassing one from my mom. All very normal. Well, at least the comment from my mom was normal. She always commented on my pictures no matter what. I would have to get used to getting comments from everyone else. That was a part of being Tanya’s girlfriend. And something else that wasn’t normal either, was the fact that Lily had liked my picture. Again. She hadn’t liked the one where Tanya and I were posing together, but she had liked the one of me in my dress. I found that to be suspicious, and I wondered whether she actually was playing some sort of game like Tanya had predicted. My plan had been to tell Tanya about it, but then there had been a knock on our hotel door. Tanya had gotten out of bed to see what it was about. It had turned out to be Frank who arrived with a lavish breakfast for us, and suddenly food had become the most important thing in the universe. Food, and the fact that Tanya’s hair looked like she had been properly fucked. Which she had. We laughed about that while having breakfast. We had eaten and discussed our plans for the day. Tanya had suggested that we went back to her place and did absolutely nothing except watching television and eating junk food. She had a hangover, she said. A “people-hangover”. I had smilingly declared that that sounded like an awesome plan, and so my own plan about telling her about Lily’s stalking activities on Instagram had been pushed in the background. What did a stupid little like matter anyway? It wasn’t like she had actually contacted me, and since that wasn’t the case, there wasn’t any reason to tell Tanya, was there?

The days flew by in a bit of a blur. I had been busting my ass off at work because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work over the next weekend, and Tanya had been busy too. She had been downtown to go over the Gucci commercial one last time. If all went well, the commercial would go live next week, and I would have the pleasure of seeing Tanya’s face everywhere. Going over the commercial was the last thing she had to do before she could relax and concentrate on one thing only: our upcoming trip to Colorado. Which I had actually gently suggested to reschedule because I had been afraid that it would be too much with everything going on. She had so many manuscripts to read through and calls to make, but she had just scoffed and asked me to “cram it”. No way we were going to reschedule anything. I was insane for even thinking that!

I was looking forward to going home. It had been quite a while since I last had been back in Colorado, and this time it would be ten times more special because I would be introducing my parents to my girlfriend. Something I hadn’t done in a very, very long time. Tanya seemed pretty chill about meeting my parents. If she was nervous, she was good at hiding it. But she had called me a few times while packing to ask what she should wear. She wanted to know exactly how “formal” my parents were. I hadn’t laughed. I knew that meeting my parents was a big deal to her. I had told her that she shouldn’t worry. My parents were pretty chill and not formal at all. She had turned our phone call into a facetime conversation and had shown me the outfit she was planning on wearing. A dusty pink cashmere sweater with three fourth sleeves and a pair of dove-grey, wide legged slacks. I had made a hum of approval, had told her that it was absolutely perfect, and then I had teased her just a little bit and told her that all she needed was a bullet-bra. Tanya had dryly said that she didn’t own a bullet-bra, but that she would be happy to buy one if that was what I wanted. Obviously, that had lead to a very long and interesting discussion about underwear. Despite her preference for liking to go braless and commando, Tanya was the proud owner of a lavish underwear drawer, and I had a feeling that I hadn’t even seen all of it yet. When I asked her about it, she told me that no, I most DEFINITELY hadn’t seen all of it. But if I played my cards right, she might just let me....

Angie had groaned and covered her ears and asked me to “please get the hell over to Tanya’s”, but Tanya had smirked and suggested that she came over to my place instead, and I had found that to be an excellent suggestion. Angie hadn’t. She had mysteriously vanished by the time Tanya showed up, and she and I took full advantage of that. Clothes had been discarded and any attempts at conversation had been halted, and the next morning I had woken up to feeling boneless once again. Boneless, with Tanya’s hair in my face, and extremely, ridiculously happy. Life was pretty damn awesome!

The day before we were flying to Colorado, we were hanging out at Tanya’s place in Beverly Hills. That was the most practical. Peter, her trusted chauffeur would take us to the airport tomorrow morning. Her car was bigger than mine, and not to mention the trunk. We needed all the space we could get. Or, she did. Seriously, her suitcase was enormous. It was almost a little funny. She had decided that no one from her staff would be going with us to Colorado. Not even Fred. He hadn’t been too thrilled about that. He didn’t like when she was traveling without a bodyguard, but Tanya had smiled and said that for that particular situation, I was the only bodyguard she needed. 

“Do you think you have everything?” I couldn’t resist to tease as soon as Tanya’s old gramophone stopped playing, and I snickered as I glanced over at her enormous suitcase which she had left standing abandoned in the hallway. Most likely because she couldn’t bring it downstairs herself. I had a feeling she needed assistance from Frank. Or me. 

“Yes, I should think so,” she said non-bothered and extended her jeans-clad legs out to rest them on the coffee table. 

“Have you ever been to Aspen before?” I asked curiously. 

“No,” Tanya replied. “I have been a few places, but Aspen isn’t one of them.” she flashed me a smile. “I’m looking forward to meeting your parents.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re looking forward to meeting you too,” I chuckled and gave her knee a little squeeze. The fact that Tanya now all the sudden was an “award winning actress” only made her five billion   
times more expected at the Swanson’ Ski Resort. Obviously, I had asked my mom not to blurt it out everywhere that Tanya Goldstein would be coming, and she had promised not to. But she had been texting me all week to ask me what Tanya’s favorite dishes was. What brand of wine she preferred. I had a feeling that my folks would treat Tanya like royalty. And I was a hundred percent fine with that. 

“Let’s hope so,” Tanya said and gave the cat nestled in her lap a little pet. Originally, it had been Tanya’s plan to leave Genevieve in Frank’s loving, capable hands for the weekend, but then my mom had found out that Tanya had a cat and was very attached to it. And she had more or less insisted that Tanya brought her cat with her. She refused to be known as the mother-in-law who separated pet and owner, she said. So now Genevieve would be coming with us to Colorado. And I had a feeling that Tanya was thrilled about it. Because she really was very attached to her cat. Genevieve had seen her hit rock bottom a few times, she’d told me at some point. And instead of walking away, the cat had nestled herself in her lap and purred until Tanya forgot all the things that made her sad. 

“They are,” I assured, squeezing her knee again. “And they’ll adore you. Don’t be nervous.”

“Who said anything about being nervous?” Tanya said, and I immediately noted that her tone lacked the usual bite. 

“No one did,” I conceded. “It was just a reminder.”

“Well, it was a needless reminder. I’m fine, Mara.”

Nah. She was nervous as hell how that the day for our departure was hastily approaching but knowing that I would never-ever get her to admit it, I settled for giving her knee a squeeze and then acting silly to give her something else to think about. I leaned in and brushed my nose against the crook of her neck. 

Tanya squirmed. “What are you doing, Swanson?”

“You smell so goooood,” I told her. “Is that Gucci?”

“No. It’s Chanel.”

“But shouldn’t it be Gucci though? Shouldn’t you be wearing your own brand?”

“Are you planning on tattling?” she teased. 

“Nope.”

“Good.” She glanced at her empty plate. “Is there anymore pasta left?”

“A bit, I think. Shall I fetch you some, my dear?” I joked, only halfway hoping that she would say no. I was sitting so comfortably up here in her enormous leather couch. 

She sighed. “No. I’ve probably had enough. I doubt I’ll get the chance to work out much over the weekend, so I better take it easy on the food.”

I was about to protest and try to convince her to eat as much as she liked when her phone suddenly buzzed. Tanya picked it up and groaned as though in agony. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. 

“The bloopers has just been released,” she said gravely. 

“The bloopers? The bloopers for what, exactly?” 

She said nothing, but I grinned as it dawned on me. “Ohhh! The bloopers for ‘Love Me Not’, right?”

“Yes. And I wish that wasn’t the case,” she growled. 

But I ohh’ed excitedly as I grabbed the open laptop from the coffee table and opened a browser. I quickly opened YouTube and typed in ‘Love Me Not’ bloopers, and sure enough, there they were. Just the thumbnail of Alexander grinning while flashing a thumbs up made me laugh. “This we gotta see!” I exclaimed as I clicked on the video and switched volume up. 

“Can’t you wait until I’ve gone to bed or something?”

“Shh,” I said as the video began playing. I kinda wanted to groan too when watching the first clip. Tanya and Alexander in a bed, kissing each other intensely. Alexander on top of Tanya. I felt oddly tempted to stop the video and declare that I had changed my mind, but firmly reminded myself that this was supposed to be funny. And that I had to stop being such a baby. Kissing Alexander actually happened to be a part of Tanya’s job. A job she had just earned herself a golden statuette for. My ten seconds of ridiculous jealousy faded, and I leaned back to watch the bloopers. They were probably funny. And it was. Suddenly there was a break in the kissing where “Celeste” and “Julian” looked deeply into each other’s eyes in the throes of passion. And then Tanya started laughing in the video.   
Completely unbridled and much like she had laughed at me when I spilled the coffee all over myself. Alexander tried to keep things going for a second before he too broke down and started laughing. Rolling off Tanya, he declared: “blooper reel!” Then he lifted his hand and high-fived Tanya who was still laughing. 

I turned my head to look at the actual Tanya who was sitting next to me. She scoffed slightly. “We ended up messing up that scene five times. Neither one of us could stop laughing. It was ridiculous. I’m pretty sure Palma wanted to fire us by the end of it. Bless her.”

I snickered. “That is pretty funny.” 

She scoffed again and didn’t seem to think that it was so hilarious as I found it. The next blooper sure as hell was pretty funny. It was the scene where Celeste throws a plate at the wall in a fit of rage. I watched as Tanya threw the plate against the wall as planned, but on its flight towards the wall, the plate accidentally hit a cup standing on the table and knocked it to the floor. The cup shattered into a million little pieces on the floor, and Tanya turned to the camera and said: ‘oops. Can we do that again?’ a fit of laughter emerged behind her, and I was pretty sure it was Mercy’s voice saying: ‘That was awesome!’ somewhere off-screen. I snickered again and almost managed to choke on thin air when another blooper grazed the screen. Alexander and Tanya attempting to do that scene where “Julian” lifts   
“Celeste” and carries her into the bedroom. But instead of doing that, Alexander managed to drop Tanya on the floor. I gasped a little at that, but then saw how Tanya in the video laughed heartedly and said something that was bleeped out. 

“That actually hurt,” Tanya commented and gave my arm a slight whap because I was laughing. “I had a big bruise on my ass for days afterwards.”

“Aww,” I cooed. “Pity you didn’t have me to kiss it better then.”

“Yes, it truly was,” she agreed. 

More bloopers rolled across the screen. Many of them featured Mercy and Tanya goofing around on set. There was mainly one where Mercy attempted to open a bottle of champagne and failed miserably while Tanya was laughing off camera. 

“Looks like you guys have a lot of fun together,” I snickered. 

“Oh yes,” Tanya said with a slight chuckle as she brushed Genevieve off her lap, rose from the couch and walked over to the gramophone. She fiddled with the needle for a moment and then “One Mint Julep” began playing a second time.

I smiled. “Is this your way of telling me that you don’t want to watch the rest of the bloopers?”

“Well caught, Swanson,” she praised with faux pride. “That is exactly what I’m trying to tell you.” She glanced into the hallway where her suitcase was waiting for her and sighed a little bit. 

“I’ll help you carry it downstairs before we go to bed,” I promised. 

“Will you carry me to bed afterwards too?” she teased. 

“Yeah. I could totally do that.”

She snickered and then lifted a hand and loosened the ponytail she had been donning tonight. Platinum blonde tendrils spilled down her back, and I felt myself being complete entranced for a moment.   
But then she broke the spell by saying: “tell me what it was like to grow up in Aspen.”

I chuckled, surprised. “Are you trying to get to know me again?”

“Yes,” she said plainly as she walked back over to the couch and sat down next to me. “Now tell me.”

“It was nice,” I told her. “Growing up at a ski resort was fun. Pretty hard to get a moment to myself sometimes, but still fun. When I was a kid, I used to lie in my bed and listen to the guests partying downstairs, and when I got a little older, I was allowed to participate in those parties as a waitress. I wasn’t allowed to drink anything but cream soda, but I had a blast.” I chuckled. “My parents choses to believe that I still only drink cream soda, bless them.”

Tanya smiled at that. “And is there anything else I should know about Theodore and Maryann Swanson?”

“Well, you already know their names,” I teased. 

“Mara.”

“No, I don’t think there’s anything you need to know,” I amended. “Though my dad prefers to be called Ted or Teddy. Not Theodore.”

“’Teddy’?” Tanya echoed and looked amused again. “Do they have any cute nicknames for you then?”

I made a face. “My mom used to call me Crash when I was younger. I had a habit of constantly running into things.”

Now Tanya was really laughing. “Why is it that I so easily can imagine that?” 

I gave her thigh a pinch. “Be nice.”

“Not a chance. This is my last chance to be anything but that before meeting your parents.”

“My parents are chill,” I reminded her. “You don’t have to act all...posh with them.”

I had expected her to laugh, but to my surprise, her mouth turned into a thin line, and her forehead wrinkled. “I want to make a good impression on them.”

“And you’re going to.”

She rolled her eyes and stared at the ceiling. “What kind of twenty eight year old doesn’t have experience with meeting in-laws? It should be something you’re rehearsing for when you’re a teenager.”

“Hey,” I said softly, now rubbing her outer thigh lightly. “It’s not your fault that you didn’t gain any experience with that when you were a teenager. That’s all on your-“

“Parents,” Tanya dully finished the sentence. “Yes, I know.”

I felt a twinge of anger at the mention of Tanya’s parents. They hadn’t called her at all after she won a Golden Globe. Thinking that they hadn’t found out was naïve. Of course they knew. The news were all over every single gossip magazine, and I was pretty sure that they read gossip magazines even in the Rocky Mountains, but nope, not her father nor her mother had bothered to call and congratulate their daughter and only child on her triumph. Not a peep. And it pissed me the hell off. How could they just not care about her? How could they so easily chose to cut their only child out of their life? I had been over it a million times, but I still didn’t understand it. And despite how much Tanya claimed to be “over it” as she called it, I still sometimes catch her with a particular look in her eyes. A look of sadness. A look of hurt. A look that made her look like a confused teenager and not the twenty eight year old woman she actually was. And I fucking hated her parents for making her get that look in her eyes. It wasn’t fucking fair. Tanya had done nothing wrong. The only thing she had done was being open about who she was and choosing to live her life authentically instead of lying to herself and the rest of the world. And nothing had ever been less wrong than that decision. 

“Hey.”

I looked up and flashed her a quick and easy smile. “Hi.”

“Where did you just go?”

“Nowhere,” I lied. 

She snorted. “Not true. You definitely went somewhere. Do I not have your attention anymore, Swanson?”

“Of course you do.”

“Not entirely it would seem,” Tanya said and cocked her head. “What can I do to change that? Strip for you, perhaps?”

I laughed now. “You could try, Goldstein. You could definitely try.”

“Or how about some ice cream?” she suggested. “I’m planning on taking full advantage of my cheat-day.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” I nodded and licked my lips. 

“With chocolate sauce,” she continued. 

“Oooh,” I said, licking my lips again. “That reminds me of that thing you said the other night. The one with bringing the chocolate sauce into the bedroom-“

Tanya interrupted me by laughing as she rose from the couch again. “Yes, we’ll have to try that sometimes. But for right now, I think we should settle for eating ice cream with chocolate sauce the old   
fashioned way. To celebrate.”

“What are we celebrating?” I asked, cocking my head curiously and then glancing at the golden statuette standing on the shelf above the fireplace. “That one?”

“No, silly, we’ve already celebrated that,” Tanya said with a roll of her green eyes. 

“What are we celebrating this time then?”

“We’re celebrating the next step in our relationship,” she said and the way she said relationship made it sound like re-la-ti-on-ship. Like she couldn’t fully believe it herself. 

“Oh,” I smiled. “That is definitely something worth celebrating, Goldstein.” 

“I’ll go and fetch us some ice cream. And chocolate sauce,” she announced, and I watched as she sashayed towards the door. When she reached the doorway, she looked at me over her shoulder and said:   
“be a dear and get that gramophone going.”

“Okay. Anything special you wanna hear?”

“Whatever you feel like. Make it a good one.” With that she disappeared into the hallway and I forced my unwilling body up from the couch and walked over to the gramophone. I crouched down and rifled through Tanya’s impressive collection of LP’s., she was very old fashioned like that. Always insisting that music should come from a record player and nowhere else. It was pretty funny, actually. I once again thought of that movie and Tanya’s role as a woman from 1920’s Paris. She would undoubtedly do well in such a role, and I would have to remember to encourage her to take on the role the next time the subject came up. I knew how much she wanted to play a gay character, and I definitely didn’t want to discourage her. Fuck no!  
I chuckled to myself as I found an LP that was more than fitting for the particular situation. I carefully popped the vinyl record into place and adjusted the needle. It didn’t take long before Billie Holliday’s   
“Easy Living” floated into the room. 

“That is a good one!” Tanya half-yelled from downstairs. 

“I figured you’d think so!” I called back. 

“Yes, yes, you’re so smart,” she answered a tad overbearingly, and I chuckled to myself because I knew exactly what kind of music she liked. 

After a moment she came back with two bowls of ice cream and a bottle of chocolate sauce. She ignored my mildly scandalizing sexual suggestions as she poured the chocolate sauce onto her ice cream.   
Then she took a spoonful and moaned loudly in delight. 

I choked a little on my own mouthful of ice cream. 

Tanya ignored that and flashed me a smile. “Next stop, Colorado.”

“Next stop, Colorado,” I agreed and then leaned in so I could kiss her pretty lips. She smelled of vanilla and tasted of chocolate. Billie Holliday kept singing about easy living, and as I kissed Tanya again, I silently agreed with good ol’ Billie. Living was definitely easy when you were in love....


	10. Meet The Parents

“Welcome to Aspen,” I said as Tanya and I finally were reunited with our luggage in the airport. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said and gripped the handle of her suitcase with one hand whilst holding on to Genevie’s carrier with the other. “Now what?”

“Now we find my dad,” I chuckled as I looked around in the arrival hall in the hope to spot a familiar face. “He should be here somewhere.”

“Great,” Tanya said lightly. “Lead the way, Swanson.”

I chuckled as I did so. Carefully elbowing my way through the crowded airport. I could hear the sound of Tanya’s high heels behind me, and I knew that she was following me. We’d had a very nice flight.   
She had snoozed on the flight from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, but she had been very much awake during the one hour wait in Salt Lake City airport. We had been talking and joking right until her phone had gone off and Stacy-the-agent had called her. Tanya had been quite firm when reminding Stacy that she was in Colorado for the weekend and would absolutely not accept to be bothered during that time. 

“Now, where is he?” I wondered out loud. As much as I looked, I couldn’t see my dear old dad anywhere. Which was kinda odd because I had told him a million times what time we would be arriving in the airport. “Maybe he ditched us,” I jokingly suggested. 

“I doubt it. No one in their right mind would ever ditch you,” Tanya said behind me. 

“Cute, Goldstein,” I chuckled and turned around to look at her. She did look completely amazing today in her knee length black fur coat and matching black fur hat in a sort of Russian style. She looked very exclusive, almost French, and had attracted some looks during the flight. She had been recognized in Salt Lake city airport. And so had I. A young girl had excitedly asked if she could get a selfie with us, and of course we had agreed to that. The girl had looked like her day had been made, and once she’d left, I had shaken my head a little whilst saying that I still couldn’t believe that anyone could recognize me. Tanya had laughed, given my hand a squeeze and sounded almost concerned when she asked if it bothered me. I had truthfully told her that no, it didn’t bother me. Not at all. That girl had been so happy because of the picture. And I liked making people happy. That had prompted Tanya to call me adorable. 

“Pumpkin! Sweetheart, over here!” 

So we didn’t find my dad. He found us. Which was obviously a good thing, but I could have done without the “pumpkin” thing. At least for today. Tanya chuckled lightly behind me, and I could feel the tips of my ears reddening as I walked in the direction on the exclamation. 

There he was, my dear old dad. Standing behind a large crowd and waving like crazy. He was wear that grey sturdy jacket I swear he had since I was a teenager, and the dark blue jeans I teased him with because he never seemed to wear anything else. He looked exactly the same with his salt and pepper colored hair and the chocolate brown eyes I’d inherited after him. The only difference was that his beard seemed to be a little bit shorter than the last time I was home. He must have gotten it trimmed. When I reached him, he pulled me into one of his familiar bear hugs, and I could immediately smell a mixture of firewood and my mom’s bake goods. Familiar scents. My dear old dad always smelled the same. I had missed him. And the feeling was clearly mutual. “Oh, sweetheart!” he said as he tugged me upwards, so my feet were dangling above the floor for a second. “It’s been too long!”

“Dad! Put me down! Jesus!” I protested and felt my cheeks reddening now. I loved my dear old dad like crazy, but sometimes he seemed to think that I still was sixteen and now a full grown woman.   
Normally, I didn’t mind his silly exclamations as such, but this time when Tanya was with me, I could have done without them. 

He laughed as he sat me down and pressed a scratchy kiss to my cheek, asked how I was doing and all that jazz.

“I’m doing fine,” I assured him and took a step back. Glanced at Tanya and flashed her a beaming smile before looking back at my father. “Dad, this is my girlfriend Tanya. Tanya, this is my dear old dad.”

“Mr. Swanson,” Tanya said as she extended her glove clad hand out. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Tanya,” my dad said warmly as he shook her hand. “And it’s Teddy. Always Teddy. And please don’t listen to my daughter when she says I’m old.”

“It looks to me like she’s grossly exaggerating,” Tanya said with a chuckle. 

My dad smiled warmly at Tanya, and I could see it in his eyes. He already liked her, that much was obvious. But I could see that he also was a little bit intimidated. Honestly, I couldn’t blame him. It was hard not to be intimidated by Tanya when she was wearing that fur coat and matching hat. She looked like something straight out of a French fashion magazine from the 50’s. That was as far as I was gonna think right now. I could probably have thought something way more sordid, but since my dad was present, it didn’t seem appropriate. 

“Well, ladies, we better get going,” he said. “It would be nice if Tanya saw the resort in whatever daylight there’s left.”

“Lead the way, old man,” I teased with a grin. 

“Not so cheeky, kiddo,” he warned and mock sneered. Then he laughed. 

So did I as we followed him through the airport. He gallantly offered to carry Tanya’s suitcase, and even though she tried to decline the offer politely, he insisted. And ended up carrying her suitcase. Tanya seemed surprised but happy, and as we followed my dad, I took her glove clad hand and squeezed it slightly. She flashed me a little smile in return. 

We made it out of the airport. Out on the parking lot where my dad’s faithful car was waiting for us. Of course I knew the car. I had seen it a million times, so I would be able to recognize it everywhere. And I also knew how perfectly annoying that damned car was. The engine spluttered and wheezed. My mom had gone as far as calling the old red Chevrolet dangerous. I wouldn’t go that far, but it definitely was an annoying car. The symbol of a man’s midlife crisis. I teased him about “the old monster” as I always did while he stuffed our suitcases into the booth of the car, and he mock sneered again. I laughed as I climbed onto the backseat. Normally, I would have chosen the front seat, but obviously I’d rather sit with Tanya in the backseat. Speaking of Tanya, she was still standing by the car. I glanced back at her through the open car door and was about to ask her what she was doing, but giving her a second glance I could have sworn that she was admiring the car.

My dad could see it too. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” he said as he proudly ran a hand over the side of the car, and I rolled my eyes whilst snorting quietly. Any excuse to talk about his beloved car. 

“Absolutely,” Tanya said warmly. “It’s terrific. A Chevrolet, right?”

“Yes,” my dad said surprised. “Chevrolet Camaro.” 

“I thought so,” Tanya smiled. “1969, if I’m not mistaken?”

“That’s exactly right,” my dad confirmed. Now he was beaming. “You know your cars.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” Tanya said modestly. “But I’ve always loved classic cars. I drive one myself.”

“Which one?” my dad asked very interested. Tanya had just earned herself five thousand points in his book. 

“A Buick Skylark from 1962,” Tanya told him and chuckled. “I’ve been told by some-“ she shot a glance at me. “-that it’s a very impractical car, but I love it.”

“I always say that it’s the sound when you start the engine,” my dad said eagerly. “New cars you get in, you start the engine and you can barely hear it, but with beauties like these-“ he gave the side of a   
car a loving pat. “You can actually hear when you’re starting the engine, and you’re immediately taken back to a different time.”

“That’s true,” Tanya agreed. “It’s hard not to feel a little like you own the road when you drive around.”

“Exactly! My wife’s keeps telling me-“

“Hey, are you two done talking about cars?” I interrupted. “It’s freezing here!”

“Oh, sorry, sweetheart,” my dad laughed. He flashed Tanya a sheepish look. “Once I start talking about cars it’s difficult to stop again.”

“I know the feeling,” Tanya said warmly and smiled dazzlingly at him. She was really good at talking to my dad. Like, extremely good. I hadn’t considered that she and him could bond over classic cars, but   
now as I saw them stand there and exchange car tips, it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. I was useless when it came to cars and talking about them. As long as they worked, I didn’t give a damn about the year or model. But Tanya did. She was even subscribing to a classic car magazine, and the idea that had just become my dad’s car-buddy made me chuckle. I called out to them again, and this time it worked. I managed to successfully interrupt their “car talk”, and Tanya climbed onto the backseat. She placed Genevie’s carrier between us and buckled up. 

But if I thought that there would be no more car talk while driving, I was sorely mistaken. Now that he knew Tanya liked old cars, my dad couldn’t shut up. He kept asking her questions about her Buick Skylark. When she had bought it, where she had bought it, and how the engine behaved. He could probably have gone on and on and on if I hadn’t interrupted him. 

“Uhm, hello?” I said and waved my hand mockingly. “I’m here too.”

“Of course you are, sweetheart,” he said and smiled at me in the rearview mirror. “I’m sorry. How’s everything going at work?” 

“Pretty good,” I said. “Ingrid’s grumpy like always, but apart from that, everything is good. I wrote a really good column the other day!”

“I know you did,” he smiled. “I read it online.”

“Of course you did,” I chuckled. He often did when I published something online. And then he would always text me afterwards to let me know what he thought of it. But he hadn’t done that this time, and my guess was that it was because he was busy getting the resort ready for the season. “And how did you find it?” I asked.

“It was very good, pumpkin,” he said and steered the car onto CO-82 E. “You always write such clever pieces. I’m surprised that Ingrid haven’t given you a raise yet.”

“Me too,” Tanya chirped in. “You certainly work hard enough, darling.”

I could see my dad smile at me in the rearview mirror, and I knew that endearment Tanya had used, had just earned her ten thousand plus points in his book...

“We’re here!” my dad announced a few minutes later. “Welcome to Swanson’s Ski Resort, Tanya!”

“What an amazing place,” Tanya said as she looked out of the window. Then she looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t think you’ve been doing this place justice when talking about it, Mara.”

I shrugged and chuckled as I glanced out at my childhood home. I was used to it of course. But to Tanya, this place had to be pretty amazing. A three story log building with large tinted windows slapped down right at the foot of Buttermilk Mountain. Right now, the large sign reading “Swanson Ski Resort” had been switched off, but I knew it would be only a few weeks before that sign would be switched on and people eager to ski would check in to the resort. 

My dad exited the car and came round. He gallantly opened the door for Tanya and smiled as she exited the car with Genevie’s carrier in hand. She shivered slightly in the cold and looked up at the resort. 

I could tell that she was impressed, and I liked it. I was usually the one to be impressed over pretty much everything when it came to her, and I felt good to have something of mine to show off to her. Something that made just a little more possible why someone like her would be interested in someone like me. 

“Wow,” Tanya said plainly as she looked at the log house. Then she glanced back at me and smiled. “You grew up an amazing place, darling.”

“I did,” I agreed with a smile. “You wanna go up there and take a closer look at it?”

“I’ll take your suitcases,” my dad interjected. “You just go on up.”

“Are you sure?” Tanya asked. “I know that my suitcase is kind of... heavy.”

“I got it,” he insisted with a grin. “Off you go, ladies. And hurry. I know Pumpkin’s mom is pacing the floor as we speak.”

“Come on,” I said and tugged at her hand in an attempt to get her away from my dad. And further embarrassment. 

“Well, lead the way them Pumpkin,” Tanya said lowly as soon as we were far enough away. 

“Shut up,” I grumbled. 

“What’s wrong, Pumpkin?”

“Tanya, I’m warning you,” I hissed. 

She laughed pearly and squeezed my hand. I should have known that she couldn’t stay “good” for a longer period of time, and even though I detested being teased about the Pumpkin-thing, I was also sort of happy to have my sassy Tanya back. I had barely been able to recognize the polite Tanya I had been sharing a backseat with. 

“Your dad is a sweetheart,” Tanya said as we neared the resort. 

I smiled as I agreed with her. My dad was most definitely a sweetheart. “And he clearly adores you already. You talk car-language. That’s pretty much the only thing that matters.”

“Well, if that’s the case, this is going to be easy peasy,” she said lightly.

“And to imagine that you were nervous,” I sweetly chided. 

“I was not!”

“You totally were. You barely said anything on the plane.”

“I was tired.”

“You were nervous.”

She scoffed, irritated. “Maybe. But is that so weird? They’re your parents. Of course I want to make a good impression on them.”

I squeezed her hand again. “Well, you’ve already won my dad over. And in a second you’ll win my mom over as well.” 

“We’ll see about that. Mothers can be tricky,” Tanya pointed out. “But so can fathers...” she trailed off, and I was willing to bet everything I owned that she was thinking about her own parents again. I gave her hand another little squeeze and felt a warmth spread in my chest when I felt her squeeze back. 

We reached the three little steps that lead up to my childhood home. I stepped aside so Tanya could walk in first, and then I followed suit a moment later. “Mom?” I called into the big hallway. “We’re here!” Immediately, I could hear my mom’s footsteps coming all the way from the kitchen. She sure sounded like someone who had been pacing up and down the floor. I chuckled a little and then I watched as 

Tanya looked around in the large hallway. She admired the curving Oaktree staircase leading to the rooms upstairs. Once again, I could see that she was impressed, and once again I felt good about having something, I could show her. It wasn’t a stay at a glamorous hotel in Beverly Hills, but it was my childhood home. And I loved my childhood home. 

My mom came into the hallway, and I immediately got that sense of “home” when I saw her. She was wearing a pair of light wash “mom” jeans that appeared to be brand-new and a floral blouse with long sleeves I hadn’t seen before either. My mom had bought new clothes. Which she never did. She preferred buying stuff for the house instead. Had she bought new clothes because she knew Tanya was coming? I suffocated a grin as I walked over to her to greet her. “Hey, mom.”

“Mara, honey!” she beamed as she hugged me tightly. I took a moment where I breathed in her scent. Food and floral perfume. Easily recognizable and so very mom. I had missed her. It had definitely been too long since I was home last. “It’s good to see you,” I said as I squeezed her. “You look great.”

“Oh, shush,” she said as she put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me away to get a good look at me. “YOU look great.”

“So do you,” I said firmly. “You had a haircut.”

She smiled as she reached up and touched her grey hair which now reached the nape of her neck instead of her shoulders. It was a little weird seeing her without the signature ponytail she had sported all through my childhood, but this style really suited her. 

“And your hair is growing out,” she observed with a smile. 

“Yeah, finally,” I half-moaned. “I’m never ever gonna cut my hair again!”

“No, not until the next time at least,” she teased and glanced curiously over my shoulder at Tanya who was lingering in the background. 

I elegantly took a step backwards and flashed Tanya a quick smile. “Mom, this is Tanya. Tanya, this is my mom.”

“Tanya!” my mom beamed, much like my dad as she stepped forward with her hand outstretched. “It is so lovely to meet you! Mara’s been talking so much about you!”

“Mom,” I said lowly and warningly. She didn’t have the habit of calling me “pumpkin” like my dear old dad, but if she embarrassed in front of Tanya, so help me god...

“Mrs. Swanson,” Tanya said and flashed my mom her charming Hollywood-smile as she shook her hand once. “It’s so nice to meet you as well. And don’t believe everything Mara’s been telling you. I’m   
sure half of it isn’t true.”

“Oh please, call me Maryanne, dear,” my mom beamed. 

“Maryanne,” Tanya parroted and smiled dazzlingly at my mom once more. 

My mom smiled back tenfold, and bam, just like that, she had been won over as well. Tanya might not have any previous experience with meeting her girlfriend’s parents, but she was doing a damn fine job! In fact she was acing this first major milestone, and I felt my heart swell in my chest. She had been nervous about this, I knew that. More nervous than she had lead on, and once again I despised her parents for having screwed up everything for her. To make her ashamed of herself and unable to maintain a relationship long enough to meet her girlfriend’s parents. That wasn’t fair. They had wronged her. So, so much. And here she was, chatting with my mom like it was nobody’s business. She was amazing. Like actually amazing. 

“Take off your coat, dear,” my mom said briskly. “And make yourself at home. You too, Mara, honey.”

Tanya started out by taking off her gloves and hat, and then her fur coat followed suit a moment later. I tried not to ogle her as she revealed her grey slacks and rosy 1950’s style sweater. But my mom was looking. And Tanya had just received a thousand points for style. I couldn’t blame my mom for that. Tanya really did look amazing in that outfit. She was wearing her blonde hair down in soft curls. I loved when she let her hair hang loose like that. 

“Would it be alright if I let Genevieve out?” Tanya asked my mom and glanced down at the carrier. “I think she would like to stretch her legs.”

“Of course,” my mom smiled. “It’s been a long time since we last had a cat in the house, hasn’t it, Mara?”

“Mr. Whiskers,” I fondly remembered. “Yeah, he was an oddball.”

“He was not!” my mom huffed. 

“Mom, he preferred sleeping on the top shelf instead of-“

“That is just typical cat behavior,” my mom passionately defended the deceased Mr. Whiskers. 

“I agree,” Tanya said as she opened the carrier. “There we go, Genevieve, baby. Out you go. It’s okay.”

Genevieve emerged from the carrier, and my mom instantly fawned and crouched down. “Oh, what a beautiful girl you’ve got there! Hello, Genevieve!”

To my utmost surprise, Genevieve nuzzled her furry cheek against my mom’s hand and purred appreciatingly. 

“She likes you,” Tanya smiled. “That’s very impressive, Maryanne. It took her weeks to warm up to Mara. Isn’t that right, Mara?”

“Yep,” I confirmed. “And even now she isn’t too sure of me. At least not when you’re around.”

Tanya chuckled and I saw a hint of teasing in her smile. 

That was when my dad came inside carrying our suitcases. I saw how he discreetly wiped his brow after having sat the suitcases down on the floor. I quelled a chuckle. 

“Why don’t we head into the kitchen?” my mom said briskly. “We should have a welcome drink! Some cider perhaps.”

For a second Tanya looked nervous, but her voice was still calm and collected when she said: “I’m sorry, but I don’t drink alcohol.”

“Oh!” my mom said and looked a little embarrassed. Because I had actually told her that Tanya didn’t drink. I hadn’t told her why. It was for Tanya to decide if and when she wanted my parents to know the   
reason why she didn’t drink.

“Some coffee then,” my dad said swiftly, immediately defusing the tension coming from Tanya. 

“Coffee sounds great,” Tanya said and flashed him a grateful smile. 

“And maybe we should bring the suitcases up?” I suggested. 

“Good idea,” she agreed. 

“Of course,” mom said. “We’ve given you the big room on the second floor.”

“Great,” I said and glanced at Tanya. “Shall we?”

“Yes. Lead the way, darling.”

We grabbed our suitcases and headed up the stairs with Genevieve trailing behind us. The cat always followed Tanya no matter where she went, and upstairs in a strange house was no exception.

After a stumbling walk up the stairs and a fair amount of groaning, both things on my part, we made it to the second floor. I half dragged my suitcase the rest of the way and then mustered what remained of my strength to shove the door open. “There we are,” I said slightly breathlessly and stepped aside. 

Tanya stepped in with Genevieve at her heels. The cat immediately jumped onto the bed and curled up while Tanya looked around in the room. King sized bed with carvings in the middle of the room. Beams at the ceiling. A cozy and flickering fireplace. Red and fuzzy carpet on the floor. A large window with a sweet little window seat underneath it. A definite upgrade from my childhood room. And all because of Tanya. Had she not been with me, I would definitely have been “banished” to my childhood room. I chuckled slightly at the thought. And then felt horrified at the thought of staying in my childhood room with Tanya. Man, that would have been awkward as hell. 

“Why on earth did you even move out?” Tanya asked softly as she looked around. 

“Because I wanted to see L.A.?”

She ignored my goofy response. “This place truly is beautiful, Mara. And your parents are wonderful.” she looked a little sad, and it wasn’t difficult to figure out what she was thinking about. 

“I think we’ll have a good time here,” I said softly as I came over to her and wrapped my arms around her. I didn’t like when she looked sad. And I disliked it even more when her shitty parents were the reason for that look on her beautiful face. The two people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, and they made her look this sad. It wasn’t fucking fair!

“I think so too. Pumpkin,” she teased. 

“Shut up,” I warned. 

“Or what?” now she was definitely flirting. 

“Or I’ll tackle you onto that bed and-“

“Save it,” she chuckled. “I assure you, there won’t be any of that. Not in your parents house. I’m trying to make a good impression, remember?”

“But-“

“Nope. Sex is off the table.”

“I never said anything about a table, Goldstein. Very kinky of you to assume,” I snickered. 

“Idiot,” she huffed.

“You were the one who started talking about-“

“I said, shut up,” she interrupted and gave me a shove. And despite my promise about tackling HER onto the bed, I was the one to stumble and end up on my back on the bed. “Tanya!” I protested. 

She laughed a tad villainously. “Serves you right for being up to no good in your parents house, miss Swanson. Behave. And get up. Your parents are waiting for us.”

I huffed as I got up from the bed. “Yes, miss Goldstein,” I said with my sweetest voice. The one I knew she couldn’t resist. 

But all she did was wagging a finger at me as she inspected her reflection in the mirror. “Don’t start, Swanson. I won’t be able to finish it.”

It was funny, really. I was trying to rile her up and tease, and yet I was the one who ended up affected and groaning by her words. Once again, she had the power. And once again, I didn’t mind it in the slightest. I felt completely fine with it. As I felt fine with sitting on the bed and admiring her as she fluffed up her already perfect hair. 

To Be Continued.......


	11. Weekend in Colorado

I woke first. I had this weird habit of always waking early when visiting my parents. Super strange. And normally it did piss me off because I preferred sleeping in when I was on holiday. But today it was hard to be pissed off. It was hard to feel anything but happy when I was waking up in the nicest way possible with Tanya’s hair in my face and one of my legs slung over her hip. It could almost have looked like a post-coital cuddle, but it wasn’t. There had been no “funny business” last night. We had just slept. Cuddled into each other. I was actually pretty sure I had been in her arms at some point. 

Not that she ever would admit to have used me as a “cuddle bear” as she once had called what I did to her when asleep. 

I brushed her hair away from my face and propped myself up on one elbow so I could look at her. Fuck she looked gorgeous. All long limbs and platinum blonde hair spilling down her back. She had kicked the covers away at some point during the night, and I was grateful for it because it gave me a full view of her long, toned, porcelain white legs. How was it even possible to have such a gorgeous body? There had been a time where I jokingly had thought to myself that Tanya had sold her soul to the devil in order to obtain such perfection, but now as I looked at her on this particular, glorious morning, I was genuinely wondering where it all came from. Her mother? Her father? I couldn’t ask her. Tanya definitely didn’t like talking about her parents or childhood. I respected that and never brought her parents up. The only time I said anything about them was when she did. Which wasn’t often. And the less she spoke about her roots, childhood and parents, the harder it became for me to imagine her as a child. Or an insecure teenager. The image of a Tanya younger than twenty eight was blurry in my mind. It was strange, but it was starting to feel like she hadn’t existed before she was a confident, sassy, twenty eight year old woman with something representing a “perfect” life. Of course I knew that what she was doing, blocking out a huge chunk of her life wasn’t the best thing to do, but it wasn’t my place to force her to think about her parents and childhood. But I thought about it. And pretty often too. The only thing Tanya had said about her childhood and youth was that it had been “tough”, and of course that had lead me to think about how tough “tough” was. Exactly how mistreated had she been by her so-called parents? 

Tanya made a content little moaning sound in her sleep, and that interrupted my train of thoughts. Which probably was a good thing. I shouldn’t be thinking about sad stuff right now. But maybe I should wake up my girlfriend in the nicest way possible?

I bowed my head, brushed her curtain of blonde hair aside and kissed the nape of her neck gently. She made another sound and her hand came up to cup the back of my head, keeping it where it was. I immediately got the message and kissed the nape of her neck again. Then I chuckled when I felt her tug teasingly at my short locks. 

“Mmm, good morning, Pumpkin,” she said hoarsely and laughed at her own joke. 

“I told you not to call me that,” I grumbled and lowered my lips to the nape of her neck again. But this time I gave the soft skin a slight nibble. 

“And since when do I listen to a word you say?” Tanya sleepily retorted. “What time is it?”

“Seven fifteen.”

Tanya made a sound. “Right then.”

“Yeah, it’s early. I know. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It wouldn’t be polite to sleep the day away anyway...” she sat up in bed and attempted to smoothen the crumpled shirt she had been sleeping in. My shirt. The stolen shirt. I doubted I would ever get it back, but I didn’t really give a shit about it. She looked better in it than I ever did. 

“So, do we have any plans for today?” she asked, pushing her hair away from her face. 

“I was wondering if you’d to take a drive with me?” I asked. “See all the little villages I used to hang out in when I was a rowdy teenager.” 

She chuckled. “That sounds fun. I’d like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely. But I’d also like to spend more time with your folks.”

I smiled at that. “They like you. A lot.”

Tanya chuckled. “Think so, do you?”

“Mhmm. But please, for the love of god, do NOT encourage my mom to show you anymore baby pictures!”

Tanya’s laugh became slightly villainous. “But why not? You were such an adorable baby, Pumpkin.”

“Shut up.”

Naturally, she didn’t. Instead one of her hands came up to pinch my right cheek. “Those chubby cheeks and missing front teeth,” she said affectionately. “And that haircut-“

“-Which was a terrible example of a bowl haircut.”

“You looked adorable,” Tanya said firmly and grinned cheekily at me. 

I immediately wanted to wipe that grin off her face. “Shut up, Goldstein,” I growled as I wiggled a hand under the covers and gave her thigh a light pinch. 

She immediately squirmed and warned: “Mara.”

“What?” I said oh-so-innocently. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes. Your hand is on my thigh. And it has absolutely no business being there. Not while we’re here.”

I pushed out my bottom lip. “And what if I tell you that I’m super horny?”

She remained unimpressed. “Then I’d tell you to go to the bathroom and do something about it, dear.”

“Seriously? You’re gonna leave me blue balled all through the weekend?”

“Yes, I am,” she laughed. “You see, I’m trying to make a good impression on your parents. And having them accidentally overhearing us doing.... god knows what, wouldn’t exactly categorize as making a good impression, would it?”

“No,” I reluctantly agreed with her. “A memorable one, perhaps, but-“

“You see my point. Good girl,” she praised with a chuckle as she sat up in bed and ran her fingers through her hair. “I’m a complete mess.”

I snickered. 

She whapped my arm. “Excuse me, miss Swanson? This is the part where you’re supposed to say: ‘no, Tanya, you never look a mess. You look beautiful.’”

“Well, you DO look beautiful,” I said. 

“Good.”

“You look like a beautiful mess- augh!” I mock moaned when she whapped my arm again. 

“Idiot,” she said plainly and glanced around in the room. “Genevieve? Where are you? Where’s mommy’s good girl hiding?”

I suffocated a laugh. And Tanya claimed that she wasn’t maternal. That was bullshit in my humble opinion. When it came to her precious cat, Tanya Goldstein was every bit a mother. And a damn good one too. She doted on Genevieve exactly like the cat was a baby. In many ways she was. And in many ways, Genevieve was a grumpy old man as well. Today she definitely looked like a grumpy old man as she jumped up in the bed and eyed us suspiciously. But she was nevertheless still purring and rubbing her cheek against Tanya’s hand. 

“There’s my good girl,” Tanya hummed as she scratched behind Genevie’s ear. “How did my princess sleep, hmm? Is she all rested and ready for a nice big bowl of cream?”

Genevieve purred louder like she knew exactly what Tanya was saying. The clever animal had been following Tanya closely last night, and my mom had fawned over it. She found it adorable that Genevieve had such a close bond with Tanya. “Unusual for a cat,” she had said and then we had laughed when my dad told the story of dear old Mr. Whiskers who hadn’t taken kindly to anyone. Not even me. 

Tanya and I got out of bed. We showered (separately and decently) and got dressed. I chose a pair of jeans and my Nike hoodie. Not my most glamorous attire, but I was on holiday at home, and this happened to be what I always wore when I was back home. My suitcase pretty much consisted of jeans and hoodies or band t-shirts I could “flop around in”. 

But I instantly regretted my choice of clothes when seeing Tanya. She was wearing a pair of black cigarette pants that immediately made me think of those old Hollywood starlets from the fifties. It was the same with her sweater. It was cream colored, tight fitted, and very soft looking. It was most likely made of cashmere. Tanya liked cashmere. The sweater had a sort of boat neckline, and I could see her collarbones peeking out. For some reason, that was a very sexy effect. I wasn’t sure why, but it was. The cigarette pants looked like they had been painted on her skin. They followed her curves perfectly and was clearly nipped in at the waist. She looked incredibly sexy in an old Hollywood glam sort of way. She didn’t have to show off her body in order to look sexy. This had the exact same effect, and I couldn’t hold back a sigh and a “holy crap.”

“Is there something you’d like to say, Mara?” she teased as she opened the closet and found a black silk scarf that matched her pants to perfection. 

“I am so underdressed.”

She chuckled. “You are not.”

“I look like a hobo while you look like-“

“Someone who’s incredibly overdressed and should have considered to wear jeans instead,” Tanya dully finished the sentence and tied the scarf in an elegant bow around her neck. “Oh, well. What’s done is done.”

Now I was the one to chuckle. I tilted my head and watched her as she sat down on the edge of the bed and slipped on a pair of high heels. Instead of the high ponytail she had donned yesterday, she had opted for wearing her hair down. Soft and shiny curls that only appeared to have been brushed and nothing else. No products. No styling. And her makeup was a little different as well. Her lips had been painted a light shade of rosy instead of her preferred deep red lipstick, and her eye makeup was demure too. A hint of mascara on her lashes, a shade of rose gold on her eyelids. Holiday-Tanya looked softer. More casual. 

“So, what exactly is the plan for today, my dearest?” Tanya asked. She had slipped on her heels and was now looking at me in expectation. 

“I was thinking a mini-roadtrip,” I chuckled. “We’ll start in Snowmass Village which is fifteen minutes from here. Then we’ll drive to Woody Creek. Then Old Snowmass, and finally Basalt where we’ll conclude the roadtrip with dinner at the Tipsy Trout. Sound good?”

“You’ve planned this,” Tanya said and raised an eyebrow. 

“Damn right I have. You impressed?”

“I am,” she smiled. “And it sounds wonderful.”

“Sweet,” I grinned. “Are you ready to head downstairs and have breakfast with my parents?” 

“I was born ready,” Tanya assured. 

So was Genevieve. She jumped down from the bed and pranced over to the door. Hungry and unimpressed that none of us had done anything to feed her yet...

Breakfast on this fine morning consisted of fluffy pancakes, curtsy of my mom and freshly brewed coffee with cream, curtsy of my dad. Genevieve, that spoiled “child” got herself a nice bowl full of cream, and my parents chitchatted. My mom was interested in knowing how Tanya had slept, if the bed was comfortable enough, the water warm enough this morning, and the pillow fluffy enough. Tanya assured her that everything was perfect. My dad was curious to know what our plans for the day was, so I told her that I was planning on taking Tanya out on a little mini-roadtrip to show her the nearby villages. 

“Good plan, Pumpkin. Don’t forget to show her Zane’s Tavern where a certain young lady once upon a time had to be picked up by her dear father because a beer too many had made her fall asleep with her head on the-“

“Dad!” I protested. “Shut up!”

“You fell asleep because you were drunk?” Tanya laughed. “Nice.”

“No! No-no, it wasn’t nice. Not even in the slightest! All my friends were there AND it was my twenty first birthday! Everyone talked about it for weeks and weeks! It was fucking terrible, that’s what it was!”

Tanya laughed again. “I would have liked to see that.”

“No. Trust me, you really wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“Well, it was pretty entertaining for those of us who did see it,” my dad snickered and smiled as though he was remembering a very fond memory and not something that had left me humiliated for days.

“My head felt like it was splitting in half the next day,” I grumbled and stabbed at my pancake. 

“Poor little darling,” Tanya hummed and gave my arm a soft pat. 

I clearly saw my parents smile at that. I smiled too. I liked when she called me ‘darling’ in front of my parents and showed me affection without being hesitant about it. I knew what a big deal it was for someone who had felt uncomfortable with her sexuality for most of her teen years and young adult life. This was a milestone for Tanya. And I was a part of it. The thought of that felt good. 

“I’d like to see that place,” Tanya said nonchalantly. “I want to see all the places you’ve made memories in.”

Okay, that was kind of adorable. No, screw “kind of”. It was fucking adorable. And she had no idea. She just sat there and drank her coffee, completely oblivious to how sweet she had just been a second ago. I reached out and gave her arm a soft squeeze, and she shot me a “what?”-look complete with raised eyebrow and everything. She really had no idea that what she just said was unbelievably cute. And to think that she once had told me that she didn’t do cute. Think again, Goldstein. Think again. 

“These pancakes are incredible, Maryanne,” Tanya praised and flashed my mom a smile. 

“Oh, it’s nothing, Tanya,” my mom beamed back. “Nothing at all.” but I could see how happy Tanya’s words made her. 

“You’ll have to give me the recipe before I leave,” Tanya insisted, still smiling. “I would like to try and make them sometimes.”

“For me?” I couldn’t resist to tease a little. 

She flashed me one of her infamous smiles with a raised eyebrow. “If you play your cards right, darling.” 

My parents chuckled, and my dad winked teasingly at me as he said: “or you could ask Mara to make some for you. She grew up with the recipe, so it shouldn’t be too difficult for her, should it, Pumpkin?”

“Can you please pack the pumpkin-thing away already?” I groaned and took a swig of my coffee. 

“Never,” he assured me. “Been calling you Pumpkin all your life, so why stop now?” 

Tanya chuckled into her coffee. I ignored it and glared at my father. “You embarrass me.”

“Of course I do,” he nodded briskly. “I’m your dad. It’s a part of my job description, Pumpkin.”

“Teddy,” my mom scolded lightly. “Leave Mara alone.”

“Yeah, dad. Leave Mara alone,” I teased. 

Tanya looked ever so amused as she observed the friendly banter between us. She liked it, I could sense that. And last night after we went to bed, she had told me how refreshing she found this to be. The relaxed and teasing relationship I had with my parents was worlds away from the relationship she had with her own, and it made her happy to watch me interact with my parents in that easy-going, joking manner. And having her here made ME happy. This weekend in Colorado was already shaping up to be an awesome one. Tanya’s anxiety about meeting my parents had been completely in vain. She was doing great. And she fitted the setting in some way. Blended in oh so beautifully. 

After concluding the delicious breakfast, and leaving Genevieve in my mom’s safe, loving arms, Tanya and I left. My dad tossed me the keys to the Mercedes and off we went. Towards Snowmass Village via the picturesque Owl Creek Road. Me behind the wheel and Tanya in the passengers seat. Music was provided by her 1950’s Spotify hitlist. We started out with “One Mint Julep”, and I thought to myself that we would probably end with “Easy Living”. Tanya claimed that she didn’t have a favorite song, but I didn’t completely agree with that. 

“So, you are gonna show me that bar, right?” Tanya asked as she nonchalantly leaned back in the big leather seat and curled up in her fur coat. Fake fur, she had told me. She didn’t fancy the idea of wearing animals. If she wore fur, it would always be fake fur. Regardless of whether she was shooting or enjoying a relaxed weekend. 

I mock groaned. “Do I have to?”

“Yes. You do. And you’ll show me the exact spot where you passed out from drinking,” she teased and gave my thigh a half-hard pinch. 

“Hey! No disturbing the driver,” I warned. 

“Just doing what you did to me earlier this morning, dearest,” she said haughtily. 

“Ass.”

“Your parents don’t think so.”

“Nah, they adore you already,” I grinned. That was very true. Right before we left, when Tanya had gone upstairs to quickly fetch her phone, my mom had pulled me aside and basically gushed about Tanya. What a ‘nice girl’ she was. How sweet she was. How fond of me she was. How well she and I fitted together. That had made me grin. Yeah, Tanya and I definitely fitted together. In every way. 

“I think my mom would like to talk about your job, though,” I continued, still grinning. “But she’s hesitant to do so because she doesn’t want you to think about work while you’re here.”

“That’s very sweet and considerate of her. But she’s welcome to ask me whatever she wants. I like talking about my job too.” Tanya quietly laughed at her own joke. 

“I’ll tell her that,” I assured. “So, what do you think about everything so far?”

“Everything? As in the universe?” 

“Hardy, har, har. I meant Colorado. My parents. That kind of everything.” 

“Oh, that kind of everything,” she chuckled richly. “I love it. I love seeing where you’re from. The place you grew up. And of course those baby pictures-“

“Urgh, enough about the baby pictures already!” 

“Whatever you say, Chubby Cheeks.” 

“Worst. Pet name. Ever.”

“Nonsense,” she brushed me aside. “You love it.” 

“I do not!”

We kept up the friendly banter as we drove, but every now and then I interrupted it to point out something on the way. A particular mountain I used to ski on. And more than once nearly broke my leg in the process. Or the many different lodges and hotels I knew like the back of my hand because my parents always dragged me along to parties when I was a little kid. 

“When I was nine, I was at a super boring party with my parents at that hotel,” I told Tanya as I pointed out of the window. “I was wearing a horrible yellow dress and having the worst time ever until I started playing hide and seek with the other kids. But unfortunately, I ended up stuck in a closet and they had to go get my parents. I was NOT popular that night.”

Tanya laughed. “Ever the troublemaker, Swanson.”

“Hey, I am not that much of a troublemaker!”

“Just clumsy then.”

“I’m not clumsy either!” I huffed. 

She laughed sweetly once more. “Sure you’re not, miss-I-spill-coffee-all-over-myself. Sure you’re not.”

“I only spilled coffee because you flustered me.”

“Did I indeed?” now her voice had dropped an octave or so. “And am I still flustering you?” 

“Pretty much all the time.” 

“Good,” she said satisfied. “That’s how I like you. Cute and flustered.”

“I’ll give you flustered!” I muttered and was happily thinking about all the things I was going to do to her later until I remembered that we were at my parents place and sex was off the table. Or bed. Or any other surface for that matter.

“And there’s the Haymax hotel,” I continued my guided tour. “I had my first kiss there.”

“Did you indeed? How old were you?” Tanya asked curiously. 

“Thirteen,” I grinned. 

“And who was the girl?”

“Katie Allen.”

“Well, damn you, Katie Allen,” Tanya said jokingly. 

“You jealous?” I teased.

“Of course I am. I’m jealous of every single person you’ve kissed that wasn’t me.”

“That’s actually very cute, Goldstein,” I told her. We had reached the roundabout and I took the first exit, so we stayed on CO-82 W.

“Shut up,” she scoffed. “I am not cute.”

“You totally are.” I did nothing to elaborate. Just smiled when thinking about how cute she had been in the kitchen a little earlier...

I showed her Zane’s Tavern. Of course I did. I even pointed her to the exact boot where I had ended up passing out drunk. Tanya had taken a picture of the boot. She had tried to convince me to pose for her, but I had plain refused. And been called a spoilsport in return. But I had told her about Tom, the owner of the tavern who looked exactly like he did when I was a kid. I was greeted like I was some lost daughter returning home, and I had introduced Tom and Tanya to each other. Tom had smiled and shaken Tanya’s hand, clearly oblivious to who he had just met, and afterwards Tanya would tell me that she actually liked it. She hadn’t come to Colorado to be recognized. 

Even though I had refused to “pose” in the boot for her, I was more than willing to take a selfie with her. Or several. We had been standing closely together as Tanya took the picture, and I had enjoyed her fresh vanilla scent. 

After Snowmass Village came Woody Creek where the main attraction was Woody Creek Tavern. I had feared that it would be boring for Tanya, but she really enjoyed it, and she was particularly fascinated with the many, many polaroid pictures that covered every inch of the walls in the tavern. We ended up borrowing a polaroid camera from the bartender so we could take a selfie and then add it to the wall afterwards. I had hung out here a lot when I was a teenager, and we tried to find the old picture of me and my friends from when I was a teenager, but we had to give up. The wall was simply too crammed with pictures. It would have taken hours to scan every inch. 

Old Snowmass was next. There I introduced Tanya to some of the hiking trails I had explored when I was a bit younger. We actually ended up walking some even though Tanya was wearing high heels. But she just laughed and said that she was fine. And I chose to believe her. She could always have her feet soaked later. It would have been a pity to miss the hike, though. The view was absolutely stunning here. Enormous mountains opening up to deep valleys. I was glad I had brought Tanya here. 

“Perhaps this is the place one should settle,” Tanya said when we stood at the hilltop and admired the view. Of course Tanya had taken several pictures already. 

“In Colorado?” I asked and moved a bit closer so I could take her hand. 

“Yes. It’s a beautiful place,” she replied. “These mountains seems so different from the ones in Montana.” She turned her head and looked at me. “But I suppose it depends on who you’re looking at them with. Maybe that makes the whole difference.”

“Maybe,” I said softly and gave her hand a little squeeze. 

“Or maybe I should find a place near the ocean instead,” Tanya jokingly continued. “Or maybe Vermont. That’s a beautiful place too.”

“But a bit too far away from Los Angeles,” I pointed out.

“You wouldn’t want to come with me?” she teased. “Wouldn’t want to live on a lovely farm with lots of trees and fields?”

I couldn’t help but smile at the playful question. “Maybe. But do you think you’d really want to live so far away from Hollywood?”

“Well, I am gonna retire someday,” Tanya said lightly. “I’ll probably be done acting by the time I’m forty five.”

“Forty five? But that’s not even-“

“That’s how showbusiness is, my darling,” she interrupted me with a soft chuckle. “Nothing to be done about it.”

“Well, you’re nowhere near close to your forties yet,” I said firmly, but noted that I had no problem with imaging a forty year old Tanya. She would undoubtedly be as beautiful and glamorous as she was right now. 

“Can I take a picture of you?” Tanya interrupted. “This place makes for a perfect backdrop.”

“Go ahead, Goldstein,” I said and pretended to slouch like crazy. I was scolded for it. Was told to “straighten your back, damnit!”, and I did. The result was very good. So good I asked Tanya to send the picture to me. Which she did right away. I promptly uploaded it to Instagram with the caption “the hills are alive!” I thought it was pretty funny. Tanya told me that she found it to be an absolute mystery that I was a reporter. Cheeky much. 

“Ready to continue?” I asked once we had been standing and admiring the view for a little while. 

“Yes,” Tanya said. “I think it’s getting colder.”

“I think you’re right,” I teased.

She scoffed at that. “Basalt next, right?” 

“Indeed. Basalt and The Tipsy Trout. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting hungry.”

“Well, it is almost lunchtime,” Tanya nodded. “And as delicious as those pancakes were, they’re not quite enough to make me feel full for the rest of the day.”

“Onwards then,” I chuckled and gave her a little tug. “Come on, Goldstein.”

“Don’t yank at my arm, Swanson,” she warned. “Need I remind you that I’m wearing heels?”

“Want me to carry you?” I teased. 

“Oh, please,” she scoffed. 

I didn’t carry her. We walked back to the car and as we were buckling up to continue, I asked her if she fancied a trip to Glenwood and the hot springs tomorrow. She more than fancied that idea. In fact it   
made her grin like the Cheshire cat. Which she obviously denied when I told her.

Our little mini-roadtrip ended on The Tipsy Trout. I guided her to my favorite boot near the window, and she declared that she loved this place already. We ordered our lunch. I was in the mood for nachos with extra chicken and salsa. Tanya wanted a Caesar salad. Something I was prepared to nag her for until she ordered extra fries. My heart rate slowed down some then. 

“Cheers,” I said, smiling as I raised my glass of water to clink it with hers. 

“Cheers, miss Manson.”

I smiled at the old joke. “So, hot springs tomorrow? Or would you prefer some river rafting instead?”

She wrinkled her nose. 

“Yeah, I figured,” I grinned. “Hot springs it is.”

“Do YOU want that?” Tanya asked. “It has to be something we both want-“

“Hmm, let’s see,” I interrupted and chuckled. “Hot springs, you in a bikini... Yeah, it’s definitely something I want.”

“Good thing I brought a bikini then,” she drawled. 

I choked a little on my water as the image of a stark naked Tanya enjoying the hot springs popped into my mind. “Uhm, yeah, that is... fortunate.”

She chuckled and I got distracted for a moment when the little bell above the door chimed and three teenage girls stepped in. One of them had short-ish brown hair. That girl could actually almost have been me had I been ten-ish years younger. I chuckled a little to myself as I remembered the many times I had been to this restaurant. It was great to be here with Tanya. I had done exactly what I wanted today. Introduced her to some of my favorite places. We didn’t have many plans for the rest of the day, but that didn’t matter. Tanya had implied that she wanted to hang out with my parents, so that was what we were gonna do when we came home. I wanted her to know them. Really know them. And vice-versa. I wanted her to feel at home in my childhood home. To see my parents as her.... well, as her parents-in-law. Wow. That was a big word. Big, scary word. Or was it? I thought back to the time where Tanya and I first had started our “thing”. I had been hellbent on not “committing to anything”. And now here I was, a little over three months later, sitting with my girlfriend in my ‘childhood restaurant’. I had introduced her to my parents. If that wasn’t commitment, I didn’t know what was. And it wasn’t scary at all. 

“Careful. You’ll get lost in your own head,” Tanya warned. 

“I wasn’t daydreaming,” I denied. 

“No, you were just staring blankly into space,” she retorted. “Should I feel concerned?” 

“Shut up,” I laughed. “No, of course not.”

“Good,” she drawled. “Then don’t stare into space. And don’t look blank.”

“I wasn’t!” I protested, trying my best to feign indignation, but I was failing utterly. My amusement was coming through oh, so easily. 

Our laughter made the three teenage girls glance at us, and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the tallest of them do a double take when looking at Tanya. She nudged her two friends discreetly and they too looked back in our direction. 

“Uh-oh,” I chuckled. “I think you’ve been recognized.”

“I think you’re right,” she said without looking up. She always knew when people looked at her, she had once told me. 

“And in three, two, one...” I quietly counted as I observed the three teenage girls have a quick chat and then slowly approach our table. Before I could count to ‘one and a half’ they were standing by our table. Two of them blonde, one of them brunette. It was the tallest blonde who broke the silence by nervously venturing: “excuse me?”

Both Tanya and I looked up.

“Hi,” the girl said sheepishly to Tanya. 

“Hi,” Tanya said cheerfully and flashed the three teenagers a dazzling smile, and I thought to myself that if she hadn’t been recognized before, she definitely was now. That smile was always a dead-clear   
give away. 

“Sorry, but... uhm...” the girl stuttered, and her two friends glared at her. She pulled herself together and finished her sentence: “aren’t you Tanya Goldstein?”

“I am,” Tanya confirmed with another dazzling smile. “Can’t really run from that.”

The three teenagers looked utterly starstruck. “Do you think we could do a quick selfie?” the tall blonde one asked. 

“Sure,” Tanya said briskly and flashed me a smile. “Come, Mara. Do a selfie with us.” 

The girls switched their attention to me. “Oh my god, you’re Mara!” the brunette one exclaimed. 

“Sure am,” I chuckled. Nope, I still wasn’t used to this. At all. But of course I agreed to doing a selfie with Tanya and the three teenagers. We stood from our chairs, lined up with the teenagers and took a   
couple of quick pictures. 

“Thank you!” the three girls said in unison as they inspected the pictures with Tanya. 

“No problem,” Tanya smiled. “This is some brilliant pictures. All of us look exceptionally.”

Y-you really think so?”

I grinned a little to myself. There was that starstruck attitude again. While Tanya chitchatted with the girls, I busied myself with checking my phone. I had heard it vibrate a little while ago, and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a work emergency or something like that. That would be pretty terrible. I didn’t want to think about work while I was in Colorado with Tanya.

It wasn’t a work thing, though. It was my recently uploaded picture that had received a like. From a certain ‘LilyCheng92’. The first person to have liked the picture I had posted on Instagram. I felt an unpleasant flutter in my stomach. Lily again. What the hell was up with this? Why had she started to like my pictures as soon as I uploaded? And more importantly, how did I get her to stop? I couldn’t exactly forbid her from liking my pictures, could I? Free country and all that. But it was still awkward. Lily was my ex. And she knew that I had a new girlfriend. The hell was she playing at? 

I stared at her username and decided that I wouldn’t tell Tanya. Why ruin this awesome day we’ve had together over something like this? It was literally nothing. And if it turned out to be ‘something’, I could nip it in the bud and put a stop to it discreetly. I could easily remember how upset Tanya had gotten the last time Lily had made a “surprise appearance”. No, there was no reason to worry her.

“Ma-raaa?”

“Huh?” I quickly looked up from my phone. 

“Food,” Tanya half-chuckled and gestured towards the meals that had just been sat in front of us. 

“Oh. Awesome!” I grinned, quickly putting my phone away and just as quickly forgetting all about Lily.

“Oh yes,” Tanya agreed. “It does looks delicious, doesn’t it?”

“It sure does. Bon Appetit!” I said and dug into my nachos and chicken. They tasted exactly as delicious as they looked. 

Tanya took a French fry and stuffed it inside her mouth. After having chewed carefully, she ‘mm’ed’ loudly. 

“Good?” I asked teasingly and unnecessarily. I could literally see that it was good.

“Yes,” she smiled. “This is definitely my kind of everything.”

“The French fry?” 

“No, you idiot.” She gave my hand a little pat. “Everything.”

“Oh,” I looked up, turned my palm upwards so she could slip her fingers in between mine. “Yeah. This is definitely my kind of everything too, Goldstein.”

To Be Continued......


	12. Family Time

“What?” Tanya asked and raised an eyebrow.

“Huh?” I said and blinked. 

“You’re staring at me.”

“I was not,” I denied. Even though I totally had been.

“You were.”

“Was not.”

“Don’t be childish.”

I snickered as I stole another glance at her. We were at the hot springs. Had been for an hour already. Tanya was leaning back in the water. A moment ago her eyes at been closed, but maybe she had felt me look at her or something like that. I wasn’t gonna apologize for that. I wasn’t gonna apologize for looking at her. Not when she looked so stunning in that red bikini she had chosen for the hot springs. She looked absolutely delicious. I supposed I should feel horrible for having sinful thoughts about her in a public place like this, but I didn’t. And maybe that was terrible of me, but I didn’t care.

“I’m boiling,” Tanya said plainly.

I chuckled. “Had enough, Goldstein?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Then maybe it’s time to head back?” I suggested. 

“Mmm,” she nodded. “I wouldn’t wanna miss out on your mom’s cake.”

I chuckled. It was true, my mother had indeed made a cake. First, she had just shrugged and claimed that she just felt like making cake, but when pushing the issue she had smiled and said that she wanted to do something extra to celebrate Tanya’s first visit here. I found that to be extremely cute and I also couldn’t believe that we had to fly back to Los Angeles as soon as tomorrow night. It felt like we had only just arrived. Our little mini-holiday had definitely flown by far too quickly. We’ve had such a good time. Tanya had talked about cars with my dad, and talked about her job with my mom. My mom had been curious and eager and had wanted to know all about what it was like to be “a movie star” as she called it. Tanya had chuckled and pointed out that she technically wasn’t a movie star. To which my mom sweetly had answered “but you will be”. They had chitchatted about the Golden Globe show which my mom obviously had watched on television, and Tanya told my mom about all the “behind the scenes”-stuff. The stuff you don’t normally get to see. How heavy her dress had been, how long it had taken to do her hair and makeup. My mom had relished in all of it. Of course she saw Tanya as a person and not just an actress, but I could sense that she did enjoy hearing about all the glamour. And Tanya had enjoyed telling her about her. In fact they had talked about it so long last night that I had ended up going to bed alone. Tanya hadn’t come to bed until thirty minutes later, and her goodnight greeting had been a mixture of a halfhearted apology and a rant about how great my mother was. How easy it was to talk to her. I had grinned like an idiot. And then felt a little sad. Because it was so obvious that Tanya had missed talking to a mother-figure of sorts. I hoped that my mother could become that person. The caring “mother-figure” Tanya deserved. Her own mother was doing a pretty crappy job. Just thinking about had made me feel pissy, and I held Tanya a little extra close when she finally came to bed. She had snarked, of course. Called me clingy. But she had made absolutely no attempt at pushing me away. Instead her fingers had combed through my hair over and over again. While informing me that it was tangled, of course. For every sweet moment or gesture there was an edge. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. The snark and sarcasm was one of the many things I so appreciated about her. 

And I appreciated this too. The two of us soaking in the hot springs. Tanya with wet hair and her head tipped back. Her eyes had closed again, and I was happy to see her relax. I knew that she had been nervous about meeting my parents. And I knew that she had worked hard on finishing the second season of Love Me Not. She more than deserved a little breather. 

“I was thinking about something,” I said.

“Hm?” she opened her eyes. “And what’s that, dearest?” 

I smiled. She had called me that a lot lately. That and darling. I fucking adored it. “The next time we come here,” I moved a little, so the water made gentle wave. “We should try the full spa experience. Massage therapy, facial treatments, manicure, pedicure, foot bath.” I waggled an eyebrow at her. “They have suites for couples...”

“Yes, we should definitely try that,” Tanya agreed with a firm nod.

“Next time,” I promised her. “Absolutely.”

She stretched a little. “I was actually thinking about something too.”

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“What if we drove here the next time we visited your parents?” she suggested and flashed me a smile. “I really liked the little mini-roadtrip we did yesterday.”

I grinned. “Me, too. I’m definitely down for a real roadtrip with you, Goldstein.”

“And why wouldn’t you? I’m delightful company,” she scoffed.

I laughed. There was that snark again. My Tanya was an expert in that. 

Wait a second. I marveled at my thoughts. My Tanya. That was definitely a new one. 

“If your parents wants me to come back again that is of course,” she added with a chuckle. 

It was my turn to scoff. “The hell are you talking about? They fucking adored you. Didn’t you notice that my dad would barely let us leave this morning because he was so busy talking about cars with you? AND my mom is making a cake. I guarantee you, she wouldn’t have done that if it hadn’t been for you. They’re crazy about you. Both of them.”

“And you?” she teased as she wiggled closer to me in the water. “Are you crazy about me too?”

“I wouldn’t have brought you to meet my parents if I wasn’t,” I said simply and found her hand in the water. I slipped my fingers in between hers and squeezed lightly. 

“We better get out of the water soon,” she said. “Otherwise I’ll turn into a prune, and I guarantee you, there’s people who won’t like that.”

I chuckled. “What, the hoard of people you have to make you look pretty even though you don’t need it?”

Tanya let out a wry laugh. “Yes. Those people. Which reminds me that I have an appointment with Maria when I come home.”

“Your beautician,” now I was really laughing. 

“Yes. Her.” Tanya said flatly and rolled her eyes. “Dear god.”

“Aww,” I cooed, still laughing. “She hard on you?”

“She’s very effective and very firm,” Tanya replied with another eyeroll. “But sometimes her behavior would be more suitable for a sex dungeon on South La Cienega Boulevard.”

I frowned. “There’s a sex dungeon on La Cienega Boulevard?”

Tanya shrugged in response. 

I tilted my head. “And how exactly would you know that?”

“I know many things,” she said in a dismissive manner. 

But I wasn’t ready to let the subject go. “You’ve been there?”

“We’ve all got a past,” Tanya said simply. 

“Is that a yes?”

“Perhaps. Does that bother you?”

“No. As you said, we’ve all got a past,” I said lightly. 

“Then yes. I’ve been there. On and off a few years back.”

“Why?” I asked simply. 

“Why what?”

“Why did you go there?”

“Oh,” she shrugged again. “My head was a mess. I was struggling a lot with my mental health back then and I was looking for a way to get some quiet there,” she tapped her forehead lightly. “And I’ve   
never been one for mindfulness or meditation or whatever, so I figured why not try something a little unorthodox, enjoyable, and definitely something that would make me stop thinking instead?”

“I see,” I said lightly, non-judgmental. “Did it work?”

“It did.”

“So why did you stop going?”

She flashed me a rather wicked smile. “Because I found out that I prefer being the one who dominates and not the dominated.”

“Oh,” I said and felt a tingle of something. “Well, that makes perfect sense.” I literally could not imagine Tanya being dominated by anyone. Sexually or not sexually. But I WAS a bit curious as to knowing   
exactly what she had been doing in that dungeon. And who with? A woman, obviously, I already knew that, but what kind of woman? What had she looked like? Eye color, hair color, height, weight, I wanted to know everything. God, was I getting jealous or something stupid? That was ridiculous. As Tanya said, we all have a past. Hers was just a bit more interesting than mine.

She laughed and interrupted my train of thoughts. “It does, doesn’t it?” she gave my hand a teasing squeeze and looked back at the stunning mountain view behind us. “God, I wish we could stay here forever.”

“Me, too,” I immediately agreed. “Going back to reality isn’t that appealing.” I made a face at the thought of being bac at the office. Back at Ingrid’s mercy...

“No, it is not,” Tanya said with a sigh. “And unfortunately, I’m gonna be really busy when we get back to Los Angeles.”

“You are? I thought you didn’t have any upcoming jobs until we’re going to England?”

“I don’t, but season two is about to go on Netflix, and- I’ve just realized I’ve forgotten to tell you about this- I’ve been invited to be a part of the Comic-Con panel this year. I’m going to meet the fans and   
take pictures and answer questions and all that.”

“Seriously? That’s amazing!”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “It isn’t until in three months, though, but there’s a lot to prepare beforehand. Meetings with a lot of different people. You know the drill.”

“I actually don’t.”

Tanya chuckled. “Anyway, it’s taking place in Los Angeles, so I’m hoping I can drag you along for it?”

“Of course,” I smiled. “I’d love to.”

“Excellent. That’s settled then,” she said satisfied. 

“I’m looking forward to it already, Goldstein.” I stretched comfortably in the water. “You think we should get out of here? Before either of us turns into prunes?”

She scoffed at the bad joke. “I suppose that would be a good idea. It would be rude to stay away for longer when your mom went through the trouble of making a cake.”

“You really like my mom,” I said without an ounce of teasing to it. 

“Of course I do,” Tanya said lightly. “She’s the perfect mother-in-law.”

“I’ll tell her you said that. She’ll be so happy!”

We made it out of the hot springs. We made it into the locker room where we dried off and got dressed. Tanya in her checkered slacks and silk blouse with strings, and myself in my jeans and sweatshirt. I was impressed by myself. I could watch Tanya get undressed without loosing it completely. That was one hell of an achievement considering how much I wanted her. Craved her. That was the only reason I wasn’t heartbroken about going home. We would be able to do stuff in bed that didn’t involve sleeping. At least not until afterwards. I was really looking forward to that. 

We made it into the car and buckled up so we could leave Glenwood, and I encouraged Tanya to put on some music. She did that, and Etta James’ “At Last” filled the car as we embarked on the journey home. The music took over. We didn’t need to talk right now. It was enough to just sit and listen to the music. Now and then I glanced at Tanya, and I smiled every time I saw her look out of the window.   
She was soaking up the landscape. She loved being here. I could see that. I hoped that we could come back to Aspen really often. I hadn’t been good at coming home lately. I had been too preoccupied with work and feeling sorry for myself after Lily broke up with me. I had been wallowing in self-pity and alcohol. I had forgotten my daughterly duties. And honestly, that was lousy of me. I would come home really often in the future, I decided. And I would bring Tanya with me. As often as it was possible for her. I smiled to myself. Going back to see my parents with my girlfriend. That was so...domestic. So.... committed. I shook my head a little. Had their really been a time where I hadn’t been interested in committing to Tanya? That was ridiculous. 

Tanya absentmindedly hummed along to the music playing, and my grin grew a bit more mischievous. And she claimed that she couldn’t sing. I was more than prepared to use this against her if the subject ever came up again. She actually had a really nice voice. Really nice. I could definitely see her star in a musical or something like that. And who knows, maybe she would. The sky was pretty much the limit. Her phone was still ringing constantly. Everyone wanted a piece of Tanya Goldstein after they had seen her win a Golden Globe. But Tanya hadn’t called her agent back. Instead she had just muted her phone. She was having “family time”, she said. And she wasn’t gonna ruin that by being on the phone constantly. She was also taking a break from social media. She sometimes did that, and I was sort of glad about that. Because Lily kept commenting on my pictures and I didn’t want Tanya to see it. Not because I had something to hide, but because I didn’t want her to get upset. I had decided that if it didn’t stop after this weekend, I would have to have to do something about it. I wasn’t exactly sure what, but something. She had to stop commenting on my pictures.

But for now, I pushed it away and smiled at Tanya when our eyes met. She returned the smile. 

We arrived back home. To my mom’s chocolate cake and a fresh pot of coffee. Tanya and I sat down at the table and chitchatted with my parents as we had cake and coffee. Genevieve joined the “party” and jumped into Tanya’s lap and curled up. 

“How was the hot springs?” my mom asked eagerly. 

“It was wonderful,” Tanya replied and smiled. “Wasn’t it, Mara?”

“It was great,” I confirmed. 

“Oh, that’s good,” mom said, smiling back at Tanya. “It is a shame you’re leaving tomorrow night, dear.”

“I know, I wish we could stay a bit longer,” Tanya said warmly. “But unfortunately I have some meetings next week, and Mara has work.”

“That’s right,” I nodded. “And lots of it. Unfortunately. But we’ll come again soon.”

“Do you promise?” my mom raised an eyebrow. “Because we haven’t seen much of you lately, young lady...”

“Mom.” I grimaced and then laughed. “I promise we’ll soon come back, okay?”

“And stay for a week,” mom added. 

“We’ll see about that...”

Mom looked like she could have protested, but Tanya said: “and if it’s possible, you and Teddy could come and see the cabin I’ve bought. That could be nice, couldn’t it, Mara?”

“It could,” I agreed, smiling because I hadn’t thought about it, but I really liked that suggestion.

“We’d like that very much,” my mom beamed. “It’s in the Smoky Mountains, isn’t that right?”

“Exactly,” Tanya said. 

That spurred a flurry of questions from my mother, and it ended with Tanya whipping out her phone so she could show my mom pictures of the cabin. My mom chattered on about how lovely everything looked, and when my dad came in for a piece of cake, he too joined in and started chitchatting about the cabin. “That looks very nice,” he said and smiled. “Perfect place for a couple who wants to be alone...”

“Teddy!” my mom immediately scolded and gave him an elbow in the ribs and a warning glance. 

“That is the point,” Tanya said, unbothered. “I have dreamed about a cozy little place I can whisk Mara off to whenever she needs a break from her work. A break from all the stress I know it sometimes   
bring her. Of course I know that she likes her job, but sometimes we can all need a little break.”

“That’s very sweet and romantic. So thoughtful,” my mom gushed, and my dad winked at me. I shrugged innocently. I actually agreed with my mom. That WAS very sweet and romantic. And thoughtful.   
Tanya was really showing new sides of herself. A gentler side. She was full of surprises and hidden depths. She had so many layers, and I was looking forward to seeing each and everyone of them. 

“Oh, Tanya, I think I saw you in a commercial earlier,” my mom chirped. 

I raised an eyebrow. “You did?”

“That’s very possible,” Tanya said, and to me: “the perfume commercial aired today. That’s why my phone has been vibrating all day.”

“Really?” I smiled. “That’s awesome!”

“You looked wonderful in the commercial,” my mom gushed. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said, and I could have sworn I saw a faint blush in her cheeks at the compliment. “That’s very nice of you to say.”

My mom pushed the plate of cake towards her. “Have some more cake, Tanya.”

I grinned to myself. That was definitely a pattern. My mom had continuously encouraged Tanya to eat as much as she could. She probably thought that Tanya was ‘too thin’ and all that stuff mothers   
always said, and it delighted me. It delighted me to see Tanya being mothered. I had a feeling that it had been ages since she last had been mothered, and I suspected that she needed it too. Sometimes when she thought that I wasn’t looking at her, I could see a younger version of her. A more insecure version. Someone who still suffered because of the rough time she’d had when she lived at home with her parents. I found it to be completely awful, the way Tanya had been treated by her parents. Sometimes it made me so livid I wanted to smash something. Tanya was a wonderful, beautiful, strong, smart creature. Why couldn’t her parents see that? Why did it matter what her sexual orientation was? How could any parent turn their only daughter away just because she wasn’t heterosexual? It went beyond everything I believed in. And beyond everything my parents believed in. They haven’t given two shits that I was gay. As long as I was happy, they had said again and again when I came out at sixteen. There had been no drama whatsoever. And I hadn’t expected there to be either. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time fully grasping how things had been for Tanya when she was younger. Her parents were nothing but foggy silhouettes in my mind, and it was kind of weird, hating two people I had never met. But that didn’t stop me from hating them. I loathed them so intensely. More than I had ever loathed anyone before in my life. In my humble opinion, they were terrible, despicable people who had caused their daughter unnecessary pain and trauma to some degree. They were the reason she had been ashamed of who she was. Afraid of who she was. Afraid of coming out. She didn’t deserve that. And they didn’t fucking deserve her. She deserved to be treated with respect and kindness. And she could get that here. From my parents. I hoped that could sort of ease things for her. Make the “break up” from her own parents a little easier.

After having consumed far too much cake, Tanya and I retired to the library/television room upstairs. We ended up sprawled in the big velvet couch and put on a movie. Psycho was the choice of the afternoon, and hearing Tanya rant about Janet Leigh was pretty entertaining. 

“You know, when I was a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to look like her,” Tanya said, nodding towards Janet Leigh who was sitting in her car, driving towards the fateful motel. “I wanted her hair, her clothes, her everything.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you could pull off the short hair,” I half-chuckled. 

“You think?” Tanya mused, reaching up to touch her long hair. “Yes, perhaps.”

“You’d look sexy with short hair,” I continued. “But I like it long too...”

“I have to dye it when I shoot Heiress,” she said lightly. “Have I told you that?”

“No,” I said slightly surprised. “You’re going to dye it?”

“Yes. Unless they find a really realistic wig.”

“Which color, then?” 

“Black.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way,” she said and scowled slightly. “Why? You don’t think that would suit me?”

“You’d look awesome with dark hair,” I said quickly. “It’s just gonna be a really big change, that’s all.” 

“It is,” she agreed with a chuckle and then drawled: “think you can live with it if I have dark hair, Swanson?”

“Uhm, yeah, absolutely,” I said and without further ado I paused the movie. 

Tanya huffed in annoyance. “What are you doing? I was watching that.”

“I need a break,” I told her as I found my phone and opened YouTube. Grinning as I tapped in what I was looking for, I continued: “a one minute break.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because I wanna see your Gucci commercial. Duh.”

“Oh.” She rolled her eyes. “Right now?”

“Right now.”

“Fine. But I’m getting pretty close to a model,” she half-warned. 

“Which will probably give me heart palpations, but I’m sure I can survive it.” I gave her a teasing little nudge. “Watch the commercial with me, Goldstein.”

She made faces and complained. But she nevertheless watched the one minute long commercial with me. And yeah, she was getting pretty fucking close to a dark haired model. But the commercial was   
pretty damn awesome. Tanya was wearing a green dress that matched her eyes as well as the color of the perfume bottle, and her rich, husky voice seductively announcing the name of the perfume by the end send shivers down my spine and filled my head with less than innocent thoughts about what I wanted to do to her right now. 

“Where was this shot?” I asked to distract myself. “The location is bomb!”

“The Waldorf Astoria.”

“Wow.” 

“Bit underwhelming compared to the Hilton,” she half-chuckled. “But not too bad.”

“Understatement, much?”

She didn’t answer that. Instead she nonchalantly slung her legs over my lap. “What do you think about the commercial, Swanson?”

“I love it,” I assured. 

“You think it’s gonna sell any perfumes?”

“I’m pretty sure people are ripping it off the shelves as we speak.”

She chuckled at that. “Let’s hope so. I’ll have you know that the shoes I wore nearly killed me.”

“I bet they did.”

“No, I mean that quite literally,” she huffed. “That shot where I walk down the stairs? I nearly fell.”

“You’re kidding me?!”

“I wish I was.”

“God,” I shook my head in horror. “I’m really glad I wasn’t there to see that!”

“Yes, me too,” she joked. 

“Not funny, Goldstein. Imagine if you had fallen down the stairs!”

“But I didn’t.”

“No, but what if-“

“Then I would have arrived in Aspen with crutches,” she joked and laughed loudly at her own joke. When I didn’t joined in, she gave my hair a playful ruffle. “Lighten up, my darling. Nothing happened.” 

“And thank fucking god for that!”

She ignored that and kept running her hands through my hair. “I do love when your hair goes curly.”

“Seriously?” I wrinkled my nose. “I hate it.”

“You shouldn’t. It’s very cute.”

“Cute,” I mocked. 

“It IS. My own little curly-wurly...” 

“Oh, do shut up,” I growled. And then I turned around in the couch and kissed her. Her hands slipped from my hair and to my cheeks instead. Warm, warm palms. The movie remained paused for a while as we kissed. Until we heard my mom coming up the stairs. Tanya pushed me away then and playfully reminded me to “be good”......

Dinnertime rolled around. My mom served roast and potatoes and the conversation flowed easily. Tanya laughed at my dad’s jokes while I cringed. He claimed that I had no right to cringe when Tanya found him to be hilarious, and maybe he had a point about that.   
After dinnertime, all four of us headed into the living room once more. My dad made coffee and coaxed all of us into another piece of cake. Tanya was sitting next to me on the couch, and I loved the fact that she didn’t hesitate before reaching out and taking my hand or draping an arm around my shoulder. She was touching me so freely, so unashamed. She relaxed and was herself and nothing could have made me happier. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Of course she teased me too, because she always did, and of course I mock scowled while she did so. My parents laughed and I could see that my mom nearly was bursting with happiness. Earlier today when Tanya had been taking a shower, she had told me that she hadn’t seen me look as happy as I did right now. I had thought about it and reached the conclusion that maybe she was in fact right. Maybe I really hadn’t been as happy as I was with Tanya now. Maybe I was a hundred percent myself when I was with her. Maybe she was doing something so cliché as bringing out the best in me. It sounded completely mushy, but I couldn’t help but think that it was the truth. I had been feeling so good ever since Tanya and I started dating properly. Happy. Light. Way more upbeat. According to Angie I walked around and looked like “Santa Clause on speed”, and even though I wasn’t sure that description was completely accurate, it still amused me. I was fucking in love. Plain and simple. I was in love with my girlfriend. Not on speed. 

It was easy to lose track of the time when we were sitting and talking, but at some point, Genevieve came prancing inside the living room and hopped onto Tanya’s lap. The cat curled into a ball, and that of course prompted my mom to ask Tanya questions about the cat. 

“Genevieve is ten years old,” Tanya proudly told my mom. “I got her when I was eighteen. Actually, she was a street cat.”

“Really?” I interjected. I was surprised to discover that Genevieve had started her life as a street cat. 

“Mhmm,” Tanya confirmed. “I took her in, fed her, bathed her, took her to the vet and got her cleaned up and checked. I tried putting up posters, but no one ever claimed her, so....” she shrugged and   
gazed fondly at the cat in her lap. 

“She’s an old girl,” I realized. 

“Shh,” Tanya said warningly. “Don’t tell her that. It's rude to talk about a lady's age.”

“My dad chuckled. “Say, Tanya, what are you gonna do with her when you and Pumpkin goes to England?”

I didn’t even try to object against the pumpkin-thing. The damage was already done. “I’m thinking we’ll bring her. Right, Mara?”

“Of course,” I snickered. “No trip without Genevieve.”

Tanya glared a little at me. 

“When is it that you’re going to England?” my mom asked interested. 

“In seven months,” I replied and smiled at Tanya. “I can’t wait to watch you on set.”

“Oh dear god,” she said and rolled her eyes. “Way to give me anxiety, Swanson.”

Both my mom and dad laughed at that. 

As the night progressed and the chitchat continued, I was starting to feel a little sleepy, a little like I could slump down in the couch, but when Tanya’s alarm suddenly went off, I sat bolt upright in the couch. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I have to take my medicine,” Tanya said completely without thinking about what she was saying. She had clearly forgotten that this was something my parents didn’t know about her. Maybe   
it was the relaxed chatter that had made her forget momentarily. She excused herself and disappeared out of the living room. I heard her walk down the hallway towards the room where we were staying.   
Of course Genevieve followed her closely as she left. 

As soon as we heard the door to Tanya and mines room open, my mom turned to me and said quietly: “medicine?” 

“Mhmm,” I said halfheartedly and squirmed a little under her searching gaze. 

“Honey, is Tanya sick?” she asked gently. Concerned at the thought that Tanya had some sort of illness. 

“No,” I said immediately. Because she wasn’t. The medicine was a precaution. That’s what she had called it herself. I looked at my mom. She didn’t say anything. I could tell that a part of her wanted to, but at the same time she didn’t want to pry in Tanya’s business. I flashed her a little smile, and then my phone chimed in my pocket. I fished it out and checked the screen. It was a text. From Tanya. A bit surprised I opened it and read: ‘I totally said medicine, didn’t I?’

I couldn’t do much else beside confirming it. ‘You did.’

The reply came within seconds. ‘Oh, I see.’. I wasn’t completely sure what to think about that. Was she upset that she had said medicine? Ashamed? Insecure? I felt so tempted to excuse myself and go after her just to check if she was okay, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. I knew she wouldn’t like that. 

“Is everything okay, honey?” my mom asked with faux nonchalance. 

“Yeah. Of course,” I said quickly. “Everything’s great, mom.”

“Alright.” she nodded a little, seemingly letting the other subject go. “It really is a shame that you’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

“I know,” I agreed. “But we’ll be back really soon.”

“You better,” dad butted in. “Otherwise we’ll forget what you look like.”

“And let’s be honest, that would be a damn shame,” I teased. 

He laughed, called me pumpkin head, and I protested like I always did. We started bantering and we didn’t stop until Tanya came back to the living room with Genevieve trailing behind her. The cat sauntered over to the rug in front of the fireplace and curled up, but Tanya looked a bit sheepish as she came over and sat down next to me again. I reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. I didn’t want her to feel awkward or ashamed. She had absolutely nothing to feel ashamed over. My parents didn’t pry. It was completely up to her to decide what she wanted to tell them. 

“Would you like some more coffee, Tanya?” my dad asked casually. 

“No thank you, Teddy,” Tanya declined and flashed him a slightly stiff smile. “I probably won’t be able to sleep if I have more coffee.”

“And that would be unfortunate,” I interjected. 

“Very,” she said shortly, and I could see that she still felt a bit squeamish. I gave her hand a little squeeze and tried to comfort her. 

“Are you alright, dear?” my mom asked simply. No curiosity. No judgement. Just genuine concern and care. 

“Yes,” Tanya nodded. “I’m fine. I’m just...” she didn’t finish the sentence, but I could see her emerald green eyes flicker. 

“It’s quite alright, dear,” my mom assured her with a soft chuckle. “Actress or not, you’re entitled to your privacy.”

“Thank you,” Tanya said. “But I think I’ll prefer to be honest when it comes to this. I don’t think there’s any reason to keep it a secret, really.” she appeared to be swallowing something. “When I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That’s why I take medicine.”

“Oh,” my mom said softly and flashed her a kind smile. “I understand.”

“Yeah, sometimes it does makes things a little extra challenging,” Tanya half-chuckled. “But as long as I remember to take my medicine and give myself the time to relax, I’m doing okay.”

“That’s the most important thing,” mom smiled. “Taking care of yourself and having good people around you. That’s important too.”

Tanya glanced at me. “Well, I definitely have good people around me.”

“Totally.” I squeezed her hand again. 

My mom leaned forward, still smiling kindly at Tanya. “You are absolutely right, dear. There is no reason to keep it a secret. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing at all. I think many people struggle with their mental health, and I believe that one of the worst things you can do is sweeping it under the rug.”

“I agree,” Tanya said and looked a bit touched at my mom’s words. “But I’m afraid I’m not that used to being open about it. I suppose I’ve never been encouraged to be so.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, dear,” my mom said and gave Tanya’s free hand a light pat. “It really is a shame that something as important as mental health is still considered taboo today. That’s the only thing to be ashamed off. That there are people who’d rather close their eyes and pretend that such issues doesn’t exist...” she huffed. “It makes me feel quite angry!”

Tanya laughed a little. “I’m afraid Matthew and Elizabeth are like that. When I was diagnosed, and they came to visit me, they either pretended that it didn’t exist, or they pinned everything on it. My sexual orientation and the fact I didn’t want to live home anymore.”

I zoned out. For a moment I had been so confused and hadn’t understood who she was talking about. But as she kept talking, I realized that Matthew and Elizabeth were her parents. She didn’t call them “mom and dad”. She called them by name. An odd lump formed in my throat. Had I even heard her call them “mom and dad”? No, I hadn’t. The few times we had talked about them, she had simply said “my parents”. On rare occasions “mother” or “father”. And now they were simply Matthew and Elizabeth. But I had a feeling that they had been that to her for a while. Tanya hadn’t even hesitated before using her parents first names instead of titles. I realized that this was her second slip-up tonight. I felt pretty sure that she hadn’t even realized that she had said Matthew and Elizabeth instead of “my parents”. All the times she had used “mother” or “father” or “my parents” had been because she was with me and had reminded herself to use their titles and not their names. But tonight she had forgotten because she was talking to my mom who was so easy to confide to... Yes, Tanya had definitely called her parents by name for a long time. Probably since she was seventeen and had left home. I could almost imagine a seventeen year old defiant Tanya insisting upon calling her parents by their first names and keep on doing it until it had become something natural. Jesus. I had a feeling that the relationship between Tanya and her parents was way more inflammatory than I had suspected.

I swallowed, blinked and forced myself to return to the here and now where the conversation had shifted to a lighter tone. My mom and Tanya were laughing and joking together now, and I tried my best to laugh along with them all the while “Matthew” and “Elizabeth” echoed in my ears. At least I now knew the names of the two people I hated so much. 

Tanya wiggled her hand out of my grasp and joked about how I was clinging to her, and I laughed, but thought to myself, that yeah, damn right I was clinging to her. And I was gonna keep on doing that!

When we went to bed a little later that night, I made sure to immediately wiggled closer to her, spooned her and buried my nose in her soft, vanilla smelling hair. 

“The hell are you doing, Swanson?” she asked sleepily. 

“Nothin’,” I said muffled into her hair. “Just... making myself comfortable. You don’t mind that, do ya?”

“I suppose not. As long as you don’t sneeze into my hair or something gross.”

“I’d never do that!”

“I hope not. If that’s the case I would surely punish you for it,” she joked. 

“Yeah?” I lifted my head a little. “And exactly how would you do that?”

“Well, I would-“

“Meow!” 

The bed dipped a little when Genevieve jumped up and made herself comfortable by Tanya’s feet. Tanya laughed heartedly. “Saved by the bell.”

I groaned. “I swear to god, sometimes you have the worst timing ever, cat! The conversation was just about to get interesting....”

Tanya laughed again. “I doubt you mean that, dearest.”

“Of course I do!” I huffed. “I would love to know exactly how you’d punish me, Goldstein.”

“Well, if I had a rope nearby, I could have shown you,” she yawned. “I did pick up a few tricks in that dungeon...”

“Are you fucking serious?!”

“Not so loud. Your parents are asleep. Goodnight, darling.”

“Seriously? You’re going to sleep? Right in the middle of this conversation?”

“Yes,” she chuckled. “I’ve already said too much.” She yawned again and then went quiet. 

I huffed but accepted that the conversation was over. At least for now. There was a chance that I would brush the subject later. But for now, I settled for sliding closer and hugging her tighter. She hummed something that sounded like “that’s nice, Pumpkin”, and I chuckled to myself as I told her to shut up, because she sounded positively cute when she was sleepy. This was exactly how I wanted to spend our last evening in Aspen. A damn successful trip it had been. I had introduced Tanya to my parents. And they fucking adored her. This was the first milestone for us. A big deal for me, and an even bigger deal for Tanya. A proper relationship. I smiled to myself at the thought of all the other milestones that were to come. I could hardly wait...


	13. Back to Los Angeles

I didn’t want to go home when Tanya woke up the following morning and woke me by murmuring in my ear that she was naked (which she obviously wasn’t, she was just playing dirty). I didn’t want to go home when we took the last shower there. I didn’t want to go home when we packed our things. I didn’t want to go home when went downstairs to have breakfast with my parents one last time before leaving. I didn’t want to go home when Tanya chitchatted with my parents and acted like she had always known them. I didn’t want to go home when my dad helped with bringing our suitcases downstairs. 

I didn’t want to go home when Tanya coaxed Genevieve into her carrier. I didn’t want to go home when she put on her dark wig so we avoided any delays in the airport. I didn’t want to go home when the suitcases were stuffed into the back of my Mercedes. I DEFINITELY didn’t want to go home when my mom gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then turned to Tanya, exclaiming “Tanya, dear!” and then babbling on about how wonderful it had been to meet her. Tanya had looked uncharacteristically surprised when my mom rather suddenly wrapped her arms around and pulled her in for a hug. In hindsight, maybe I should have warned her that my mom was the hugging type, but it hadn’t occurred to me. And Tanya didn’t look like she minded, to be honest. It took her approximatively two seconds to recover from the surprise, and then she hugged my mom right back, happily chirping that meeting her had been absolutely wonderful and that she couldn’t wait to come visit again. My mom was in love and so was I. 

Afterwards, Tanya had laughingly said that she “wasn’t used to that”. She had clearly meant it as a joke, but I hadn’t laughed. I had found it to be utterly heartbreaking that she wasn’t ‘used’ to motherly hugs.

I was still in denial when we got into my dads Mercedes and my dad cheerfully and goofily announced that he would “take the ladies to the airport”. When he climbed onto the drivers seat and started the engine, I was basically itching to leave the car, get back inside and stay a few extra days with Tanya. We’d had such a good time, and all I wanted was for her to spend more time with my parents. We really did have to come back soon. If I had it my way, we would be back as soon as next month. But with my schedule and Tanya’s, that probably would be a little bit hard. We were both busy people with ridiculous schedules. I didn’t even want to think about the amount of work waiting for me when I got home. 

Feeling a bit sappy, I leaned into Tanya and rested my head on her shoulder. I was half-expecting her to say something teasing, but my tired/sappy gesture was only met with a soft, glove clad pad to my cheek. 

“I don’t wanna go home,” I muttered like a defiant child. 

She chuckled. “Me neither, darling. Me neither.”

“What do you say we stay a week the next time?” I suggested. 

“Suits me fine,” she said calmly and stretched her legs. “I’ve enjoyed this little break immensely.”

Next to us, Genevieve hissed quietly in her carrier. 

“Oh, do stop being such a diva,” Tanya lightly scolded.

My dad laughed. 

“I wonder where she gets that from?” I teased. 

Tanya said nothing. She just shot her cat a fond look. And she couldn’t really protest, to be honest. Because she was undoubtedly a diva. The biggest diva I’d ever met. But definitely not in a bad way.

“Do you have any plans later?” I asked Tanya. 

“No,” she replied. “I don’t have any plans until tomorrow afternoon where I have a meeting with my agent.”

“More manuscripts?” I guessed. 

“Most likely a few, yes. But that doesn’t mean I’ll say yes to any of them,” she half-chuckled. “I’m not interesting in rushing from one job to another. It would affect my performance. And it would certainly make it difficult to see you.”

“Pretty soon you’ll see plenty of me when we’re going to England,” I said a bit dreamily. 

“That’s not until in eight months. I have plenty of time to get tired of you before that.”

That bad joke earned her a pointy elbow right in the ribcage. And my retaliation earned me a rather sharp look. Which would undoubtedly had been accompanied by some sort of warning had my dad not been present. I loved my dear old dad, but I did love Tanya’s delightful sordid warnings too. I could still remember what she had said about ropes last night before we went to bed, and I was VERY interested in continuing that conversation. When the time was right. Meaning when we got back to Los Angeles. That was one of the reasons I had asked if she was doing anything later. I wasn’t quite ready to part ways with her. I was hoping for a bit of one-on-one time with her. The kind of one-on-one time that took place behind closed doors and preferably in a bed. Or against a wall. We had tried that before, and as far as I could remember, it had been extremely delightful. 

I had to remind myself that I wasn’t alone with Tanya just yet.

We parted ways with my dad in the airport. He hugged, me kissed my cheek and called me pumpkin. Obviously. 

“Come and visit us soon,” he instructed with his arms around me. 

“I will,” I promised and patted him on the back. My dad was a big guy. Height-wise, we were quite alike, but he was incredibly broad compared to me. I almost disappeared in his arms when he hugged me, and it always made me feel like I was a little girl again. 

“Bring Tanya with you,” he added and smiled at her over my shoulder. 

“I’ll do that too,” I promised and chuckled. 

"And hang on to her," he added quietly.

"That's the general plan."

He released me and looked at me thoroughly as though he was trying to take a mental snapshot. “Take care of yourself, Pumpkin.”

“I always do.”

He glanced at Tanya again. “Take care of my little girl.” 

“Dad! Jesus!” I protested and scrunched up my nose. God, he was so embarrassing sometimes. 

“I assure you, your daughter is in the very best of hands,” Tanya said and somehow managed to sound completely serious. 

My dad laughed as he released me. He walked over to Tanya and gave her a big ol’ hug as well. She seemed less surprised now and chuckled as she returned the hug. 

“It’s been wonderful to meet you, Tanya,” he said. “I hope you’ll come and visit us again soon.”

“I’d love too,” Tanya said, sounding very genuine. “Thank you for having me. It’s been great seeing where Mara grew up.”

“You’re always welcome,” he said warmly as he released her. “Good luck with the movie you’re going to shoot in England.”

“Thank you, Teddy,” Tanya said warmly. 

“She’ll do awesome,” I chirped in. “How could she not when she has her lucky charm with her?”

Dad laughed as he hugged me again. “I’ll see you both again soon.” That was definitely an order. Not a suggestion. 

After a bit more chitchat, firm instructions to come back again soon and call when I was back in LA, my dad left, and Tanya and I were alone in the airport. 

“Well, we have a bit of time on our hands,” Tanya observed, gripping firmer onto Genevieve’s carrier. “Should we find a bench and sit down or something?”

“Good plan,” I applauded. We maneuvered our suitcases over to the nearest available bench and sat down. Genevieve hissed a bit from her carrier, and Tanya chuckled slightly as she leaned back to rest her head against the wall. It didn’t take long before I followed her example and did the same. Apparently, it was hard being in Aspen.

Two hours later Tanya and I boarded the plane to Salt Lake City. Unfortunately, we had to wait there for an hour before catching the plane back to Los Angeles. Which was very annoying because I was a bit tired and wasn’t in the mood to hang out in Salt Lake City airport. But I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, and I figured I could survive when Tanya was there to keep me company.

We found our seats. Genevieve had fallen asleep in her carrier, so she didn’t protest when Tanya carefully stuffed the carrier away underneath the seat. I could see that Tanya wasn’t too happy about stuffing “mommy’s little princess” away under the seat like she was a piece of luggage, but rather that than having to part with her like we had parted with our suitcases. 

Tanya sighed a bit as she plopped down on her seat. She wrestled with the buttons on her coat for a second before pulling it open. “Have you switched off your phone?” she asked and made a face when scratching the top of her head. The dark wig was probably making her scalp itch. 

“Not yet,” I said and quickly fished my phone out of my pocket. I didn’t have to ask if she had. Her phone had been switched off since last night. She had to be bothered by her cellphone when travelling. It distracted her, she had told me. I pressed the round middle button on my phone to tap in my password, but I was distracted by the notification from Netflix. I liked to be alerted about upcoming series and movies and new seasons, and today I was every bit pleased to see the notification. 

“Hey, season 2 of Love Me Not just aired!” I exclaimed. 

“Has it indeed?” Tanya said without looking up from the book she had just conjured from her purse. 

“And you already knew that.”

“Of course I did.”

I sulked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why should I?” she teased. “Where’s the fun in that, miss Manson?” 

“Hilarious. I wanna watch it during the flight!”

Tanya rolled her eyes. “You cannot be serious.” 

“Are you kidding me, of course I’m serious! I’ve been dying to watch it for ages!”

She glanced at my phone. “If you care even the littlest bit for me, you’ll wait until there’s a bigger screen available.” She lowered her voice as she continued: “I deserve a bigger screen than the one your   
phone has to offer.”

“But I really wanna watch it,” I half-whined as I switched off my phone and slipped it back inside my pocket. 

“You can watch it later when we get back to my place,” she said, now opening the book. “I would feel a lot more comfortable if you watched it on a flatscreen.”

I grinned. And it wasn’t only because of her hoity-toity attitude. “So we’re going back to your place later?” 

“Yes, if you’re interested,” she said lightly. “Buckle your seatbelt.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I joked as I buckled my seatbelt. “What are you reading?” I leaned to my right so I could look at the cover and title of the book. The cover was yellow and simple. The title “Tell it To The Bees”   
by Fiona Shaw. “Oooh. I think I’ve heard of that one,” I said and nodded in appreciation. “That’s a good one.”

“It is,” she agreed. “Now hush. I’m reading.”

I chuckled as I left her to her very important book. Tanya had a certain passion for lesbian literature. Her bookshelves back in Los Angeles was a proof of that. She had once shrugged and mentioned that literature of “that kind” had been banished when she was a teenager, so it wasn’t until she reached her early twenties, she discovered that it actually existed. And since then she had bought a ton of books about women loving women. It had been “very affirming” during the time where she was still embarrassed about who she was, she had told me. Whilst shrugging and chuckling as though she had made a joke and not just revealed a traumatic part of her past. I hadn’t laughed. Not even in the slightest. Because nothing about it had been funny. 

The plane filled up, and the flight attendants did their whole safety instructions thing. Tanya turned her attention to them. She took flight instructions very seriously. I should pay attention to the flight attendants instructions too, but I found myself to be more busy looking at Tanya. And that little wrinkle appearing between her eyes when she was frowning in sheer concentration. Of course she noticed that I was looking at her. She always did, and now she flashed me her infamous “what?”-look with a raised eyebrow. Another of my weaknesses. I shrugged lightly as an answer, and in return, she now rolled her emerald green eyes. The implication was obvious. She found me to be weird. Again. But I was obviously used to that, so I snickered a little bit. And earned myself a silent scoff from her.

Soon enough the plane took off and Aspen airport became nothing more than a tiny little dot. My stomach did a slight flipflop, and next to me, Tanya made a funny little movement with her jaw. 

“Ears clogging up?” I guessed. 

“What?”

I laughed heartedly. “Yeah. I figured.”

Tanya opened her jaw wide and got a rather satisfied look in her eyes when closing her mouth again. “That’s better. What did you say?”

“Nothing,” I snickered. “Nothing at all.”

“Hmm.” She raised an eyebrow. “For some reason I don’t believe you.”

“That’s totally fine.”

She clicked her tongue. “You really are weird, Manson.”

“Whatever you say, Greyson,” I retorted and grinned at her. Greyson was her official “travel-name”. If I called her “Goldstein”, I was pretty sure one or two people would find it to be immensely interesting, and then the images of Tanya in a dark wig would go viral. She wasn’t interested in that. Her dark wig was sort of her hiding place for the days where she wasn’t in the mood to be recognized. And of course I wasn’t about to fuck that up. 

“So, we’re going back to your place later?” I asked and tried not to smile ridiculously at that.

“Mhmm,” Tanya replied, clearly torn between me and her book. “Frank and Fred won’t be coming back until tomorrow, so I figured we could order some sushi and....hang out.” The way she said it   
suggested that she had other things on her mind than just ‘hanging out’, and I felt a bit wicked thinking about what those ‘other things’ were.

“Sounds good,” I said lightly. “Yeah, I could use some sushi and downtime.”

“Define downtime.” 

“Tanya,” I said quietly, warningly. 

She smirked. She was clearly done “behaving”. She had been nothing but charming and polite while we were at my parents, and while that obviously was a good thing, I had missed the teasing, sassy Tanya I had fallen in love with. I spontaneously slid closer to her so I could get a solid whiff of whatever French perfume she was wearing today. 

“You are being awfully clingy today,” she observed. “Why is that?”

“Does there have to be a reason?” I gently retorted. “Maybe I just like sitting close to you.”

“Careful, Mara. I’m almost starting to think that you actually like me,” she dryly joked. 

“Really? What gave the impression?”

“Well, the fact that your hand is on my thigh,” she said dryly. 

“Oh.” She was right. My hand in fact wandered to her left thigh. The middle of her thigh, to be more precise. I wondered when that had happened. And more importantly, why I hadn’t noticed? How many times was I spontaneously touching Tanya without realizing? 

“Try all you want, but I’m not going to do things with you in the plane’s bathroom," she said quietly and silky softly.

“Tanya!” I hissed quietly and scandalized. “Jesus Christ!”

She just flashed me a great big dazzling Hollywood smile in return. Definitely pleased with herself. And definitely pleased about having flustered me. Again. 

One hour and ten minutes later, Tanya, Genevieve and I arrived in Salt Lake City airport. We had to wait an hour, but that wasn’t a problem. We had a great deal of fun. The hour passed quickly, and soon we found ourselves back in yet another plane. “Last hurdle,” Tanya said and wrinkled her nose. “Thank god. My feet are absolutely killing me.” 

“That’s because you wear such high heels,” I teased her as I buckled my seatbelt. I was eager to put Salt Lake City airport behind me. I was already missing my parents and my childhood home, but Los Angeles had been my home since I was twenty one. That was the place I considered to be home now. I even missed my crappy little apartment. And Angie. Of course I missed her too. She had been texting me continuously while I had been in Aspen, and I might have gushed a little bit when telling her how well Tanya got along with my parents. I had a feeling that I would be teased about when coming home, but so be it. I could live with that.

“Of course I wear high heels,” Tanya scoffed. “I’d be tiny if I didn’t.”

I snorted. Tanya was literally 5’11 when she wasn’t wearing heels. I struggled to see how that could be defined as “tiny”. She easily towered over me with my 5’7. And she almost became ridiculously tall when she was wearing heels like she was today. 

“Attractive,” Tanya commented with a haughty chuckle, and I realized that I had just made a rather pig-like sound. 

“Oh, shut up,” I grumbled. 

Of course she didn’t. She laughed silkily as she traded her book for her headphones. “Can I borrow your phone? I’d like to listen to some music. My own phone is...” she gestured to her purse. “Tugged away. And switched off. If I switch it on, I’ll be flooded with messages.”

“Sure,” I said lightly, fishing my phone out of my pocket. “On one condition.”

“And what might that be?” she asked almost sweetly, and I felt tempted to shiver because she for some reason had managed to make it sound so... suggestive.

“That I get to listen to it too,” I said, immediately shaking the shivers off me. This was a public place. 

“Fine,” Tanya said and took the phone from me. We were in the air, so we could freely listen to music now. She attached the headphones to the phone and opened Spotify. 

“Who are you looking for?” I asked and leaned in so I could “sneak a peek”. 

She didn’t answer, but I soon saw her click on the name “Doris Day”. Obviously. I should have known. Tanya was a hardcore fan of Doris Day and Ella Fitzgerald and all those singers from the 50’s and 60’s. She slipped the earbud inside her ear. I followed her example and soon Doris Day’s sweet voice filled my ear:

‘Once I had a secret love,

That lived within the heart of me

All too soon my secret love,

Became impatient to be free...’

I curiously eyed my girlfriend. She was looking at the clouds drifting past the windows in the plane. She looked relaxed, but I still had my suspicions. Was it possible that Tanya Goldstein had gone a bit mushy on me? Call me presumptuous, but I had a feeling that she was trying to communicate something to me. 

‘So I told a friendly star,

The way that dreamers often do

Just how wonderful you are,

And why I'm so in love with you...’

“Good song,” I said nonchalantly. 

“Mhmm. Doris Day certainly knew what she was doing,” Tanya agreed. “But this isn’t really up your street, is it?”

“Maybe not,” I agreed and gave her hand a little squeeze. “But I like to listen to music with you, so it’s all good.”

She let her famous ‘god, you’re strange’-laughter, followed by a: “honey sweet, are you?”

I suffocated a chuckle. She was a fine one to talk about honeysweet right now.

‘Now, I shout it from the highest hills

Even told the golden daffodils

At last my hearts an open door,

And my secret love's

No secret anymore.’

‘At last my hearts an open door’. God, this song was giving me “all the feels” as Angie would have called it. Seriously, this song was a very good description of... everything, really. Secret love and shouting it from the highest hill. That was literally our relationship described in a song. A very good “coming out” song, to be honest. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said spontaneously. 

Surprised, I took out the earbud. “Thank you for what?”

“For introducing me to your parents. I really appreciate that,” she said without looking at me. She was still looking out of the window. And if she was trying to aim for casual, she was failing miserably. I could easily hear underlying emotions in her voice. This meant a lot to her. Probably more than I thought. 

I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re welcome. We’ll have to go back there real soon.”

“I’d like that very much.”

“You like my parents more than you like me,” I warmly teased her. 

“Yes. You’ve seen right through me,” she said flatly, but now I could easily detect the amusement in her voice. 

“I kneeeew it,” I laughed. “You’re so transparent, Golds-“

“Shut up!”

“Greyson,” I quickly amended a tad sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“You’re an idiot,” she scoffed. “You almost blew my cover.” She reached up and touched the dark wig covering her own blonde locks. 

“Yeah, almost. Important key word.”

Tanya just scoffed again. Clearly unimpressed by my attempts at covering my blunder. 

“Find something else we can listen to,” I said. 

She did just that, and soon Doris Day was replaced with Billie Holliday. Tanya leaned back and closed her eyes. She was most likely a bit tired after our weekend in Aspen. I knew that she had been nervous   
about meeting my parents, and this was probably the famous “mission accomplished” fatigue that followed any successful situation. I too leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. I was looking forward to going back to Los Angeles. To my own place where Angie and I could share a bag of chips and pretend that it was an acceptable dinner. I chuckled quietly to myself. 

“Quiet. I’m trying to sleep,” Tanya warned. 

“Sorry. But it’s almost not worth the effort,” I defended. “We’re only gonna be here for an hour. I think if you sleep now, you’ll be completely groggy when we land in LA.”

Tanya grumbled. “You are worse than my fitness instructor. And my beautician.”

“Is there a compliment hidden there somewhere?” I laughed. 

“No, definitely not. My fitness instructor is an awful woman. And Maria is a sadist.”

I laughed again. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that...” I trailed off when remembering the conversation that had sprung from talking about Maria’s ‘sadistic’ behavior. That had been one hell of an interesting   
conversation. One that I very much would like to continue at some point. And preferably soon. 

Tanya had tipped her head back again. Her eyes were still closed, and I held my tongue. I simply couldn’t bring myself to prevent her from sleeping. What Tanya wanted, she could have. Always. 

One hour later we stumbled out of the plane. Tanya did in fact look a bit groggy when we headed over to wait for our luggage, but her voice was still awake and alert as always. Genevieve was fussing in   
her carrier. Probably tired of being stuck in there for so long. She had handled the trip like a champion, but now her patience was wearing thin. So was Tanya’s. Her jaw was set and her voice a teensy bit sharp. She complained over the suitcases “taking forever” to arrive, and I sympathized and told her that it probably wouldn’t be that long before they showed up. Which turned out to be absolutely not true. We ended up waiting for thirty minutes. Tanya looked like a woman who had just climbed Mount Everest when we finally could grab our luggage. “For fucks sake, let’s get out of here,” she said sharply. “Our I’ll lose my fucking mind.”

Yes, I could sense that. Tanya had a tendency to curse a bit more when she was fed up. Which I probably shouldn’t have found hot, but nevertheless did. Woops. She lead the way and I followed as we   
made our way out of the crowded airport. We got outside, out in the fresh air, and Tanya took a deep breath and filled her lungs with air. “Thank god. That plane was the most cluttered place I’ve been in in a very long time.”

“It was a bit cluttered by the end, yeah,” I agreed with her. Because she was right. And agreeing with her seemed like the smartest thing to do right now, to be honest. Tanya looked around in the parking lot. Squinting at first, but then a dazzling smile spread on her face. At first, I didn’t understand why she was suddenly smiling, but then I spotted Peter the Chauffeur standing near the Buick. 

“Oh. You’ve arranged transportation for us,” I chuckled. 

“Of course I did. Duh.” She said simply. “Come on.”

Once again, I followed her as she walked over to Peter and the car. He smiled broadly, and when we were within reach he said: “miss Goldstein, miss Swanson. Welcome home.”

“Thank you, Peter. You’re the man,” Tanya said gratefully. 

He chuckled. “I take it you want me to drive, miss Goldstein?”

“Yes, that would be lovely. I really don’t feel like driving right now.”

“I’ll help you with the luggage,” he said, swiftly walking round the car and opening the trunk. He was both quick and effective as he helped us with stuffing the luggage inside the boot of the car. For a moment it looked like he was about to open the door for Tanya, but she did in fact do that herself. She climbed onto the backseat and I soon followed suit and buckled up. Last hurdle before being able to kick off my shoes and relax. 

“And where can I drive you to, miss Goldstein?” Peter asked once he was sitting behind the wheel. 

“My place,” Tanya replied. “And as quickly as you can, please.”

He chuckled. “As you wish, miss Goldstein.” He started he car and it didn’t take long before we were leaving the parking lot. 

“God, I can’t wait to get home and put my feet up,” Tanya said longingly. 

“Poor baby,” I cooed. 

“Shut up,” she said without much bite. 

That only made me laugh again. The way she said it sounded so funny. Like she was beyond arguing at the moment. 

Peter was a good driver. A fast one. It wouldn’t be long before we were back at Tanya’s place, and I too was looking forward to putting my feet up. Maybe the trip itself hadn’t been very long, but it still felt like it had been very long. It was good to be back in LA. Next to me, Tanya fumbled to find her phone in the depths of her purse, and I followed her example and found my own phone. Sent a quick text to Angie, telling her that I was back in LA and would stay over at Tanya’s tonight. 

“Right?” I asked just to confirm. 

“Right,” Tanya repeated with a tiny little smirk. “I wasn’t planning on booting you out before midnight, Cinderella.”

“Good to know,” I said dryly. It didn’t take long before I heard back from Angie. Lots of exclamation points. Lots of emojis. And lots of ‘I’ve missed you so much’ and ‘the apartment’s been ridiculously quiet without you’. I chuckled to myself. I had missed her too. Tomorrow I would definitely do nothing but sit on the couch and watch Netflix with her. 

“Jesus,” Tanya muttered quietly to herself, making me look up.

“You good?” I asked. 

“Mhmm. Just Instagram blowing up. That picture of us is getting a bit of attention.”

“Oh.” I chuckled. I knew precisely which picture she was referring to. That one of she and I in the bed. In the picture, she had one arm around me, we were smiling, and my hair was sticking up. And that   
was the reason why the picture was getting so much attention. Apparently, the state of my hair lead people to think that Tanya and I had been doing.... things in bed before taking the picture. 

“This is actually pretty entertaining,” Tanya laughed as she nonchalantly draped her free arm around me. 

“I bet it is, Goldstein.” I snuggled into her side. She squeezed my shoulder, and I could recognize that squeeze everywhere. It was her way of signalizing that she was... well... on the same page as me. I felt a fizzle of excitement rush through my body, and more than ever did I want to be alone with her. No, screw that, I NEEDED to be alone with her. We weren’t at my parents place anymore and I wanted to take advantage of that...

We arrived at Tanya’s place, and Tanya thanked Peter and then send him home. She wouldn’t require his services anymore tonight. He wished us a good night and then took off in his own car. 

“Home sweet home,” Tanya said a bit jokingly as she inserted the key into the lock. 

“Finally,” I said. I was yearning to get my jacket and shoes off. 

She swung the door open with a grand gesture, and we stepped inside the large, white hallway. Tanya sat Genevieve’s carrier down on the floor and opened it. Genevieve emerged from it like a white canon ball. With her tail held high, she vanished up the stairs. Most likely to disappear into the guest room that was furthest down the hallway. She often went in there and “lounged” in the enormous bed. 

“Well,” Tanya said lightly as she unbuttoned her coat. “I doubt we’ll be seeing anymore of her today.”

“Nope, probably not,” I said with a grin. That was just how Genevieve was sometimes. A bit of a loner. 

“And what can I do for you, miss Swanson?” Tanya continued, now stepping out of her shoes and exhaling in sheer relief. “Are you hungry?”

“Nope. Would you have cooked for me if I said yes?”

“Sure. I can make pasta. Or pasta.”

I laughed. “I’m not hungry.” We’d had an early lunch on the flight from Salt Lake City. 

“Very well. Something to drink then? I have water from a bottle or water straight from the tap.”

“I don’t need anything to drink either.”

“So difficult,” she observed and clicked her tongue in mock disdain. “What DO you need then?”

“Well-“ I shrugged off my own jacket and wiggled out of my shoes. Then I walked over to her and let my hands find their preferred resting place on her hips. “How about some one on one time with my girlfriend?”

“Have you deserved that?” she teased. 

“Yeah, I think I have.”

“And what if I don’t agree?” she asked with a voice that was velvet soft and so damn seductive I could have melted into a puddle of goo right then and there. 

“I could convince you?” I suggested and noted that my voice had gone slightly breathy.

“Oh yes?” a perfect eyebrow rose. “And how are you planning on doing that, Ma-ra?” 

Of course I did the only acceptable thing in this situation and kissed her. Squeezed her hips slightly and noted that she was bending her knees ever so slightly to match my height. I chuckled into the kiss.   
That was awfully kind of her. I wanted to feel her hands on me, and I was just about to grasp one of her hands and guide it to either my face or my body, I hadn’t quite decided, but before I could, her hands moved on their own accord. But not to touch me. I felt her fiddle with something. She shifted, tossed something back over her shoulder, and when I lifted my hand to cup the back of her neck, I felt her own soft, blonde tresses against my fingers and realized that she had just taken off her wig. That was what that little shift had been about. I chuckled into the kiss again. I was pretty lucky. I got to kiss both brunette Tanya and blonde Tanya. And I fucking loved kissing both versions. 

Finally, finally, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. She was pulling me closer, and the scent of French vanilla and just plain HER overwhelmed me. I had missed this. I had missed kissing her like this. There hadn’t been many opportunities to do that while we were in Aspen. My parents were always close by. Both a curse and a blessing, really. But I found it to be incredibly sweet that she had insisted on not touching me like “that” while we were staying with my parents. That was very respectful of her. But now she was done being respectful. Done behaving, as she put it. And for that I was fucking grateful. 

Tanya broke the kiss but kept her lips close to my ear as she murmured: “what do you say we go and lie down?”

“That’s the best suggestion I’ve ever heard in my entire life, Goldstein...”


	14. (Early) Afternoon Delight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Of course we ended up in her bedroom. Of course our clothes ended up in an unruly bundle on the floor. And of course Tanya and I ended up in her bed. Me on my back, and Tanya on top of me. Her long golden tresses tickled my bare skin as did her breath when she kissed me. She started from the very top. Literally. First my forehead, then my temple, down my cheek, my chin, onwards to my other cheek. She made me chuckle breathlessly when she playfully first booped my nose with her own and then kissed it. She pecked my forehead one last time. Then she started peppering my jaw with kisses. 

Every inch of it and then down towards my neck. By then I stopped laughing. My neck was so sensitive to her kisses, and she knew that. She spend ages on kissing my neck. First peppering soft kisses all over and swirling her tongue in a what I suspected was a particular pattern she had memorized because she knew how much I liked it. Then lightly scraping her teeth over the skin. Sucking and pulling. Biting just a little. Enough to leave a mark. Which I of course warned her about. And obviously, she didn’t react to it. She just laughed and told me to wear a scarf or a turtleneck shirt. I tried to tell her off for it, but as usually, I failed utterly. Her mouth on my neck was just a little too distracting. She paid a bit of special attention to the side of my neck before moving on to the front. Lower and lower towards my collarbones. She said they were beautiful, and that made me laugh, because what a perfect, random compliment. I was sure Tanya was the only person who could get away with complimenting someone’s collarbones. She made it sound like such an everyday compliment. And actually a pretty sweet one too. She called me quite a few sweet things on this particular early afternoon. Darling was one of them. Sweetheart was another. Miss Manson was there too, of course, that had to be one of her favorites. As was that particular way she said my name. Ma-ra. She managed to make my name sound very sexy. At some point I was sure I heard her call me “baby”, but when I asked her about it, she denied. And I laughed. Because I was pretty fucking sure the high and mighty Tanya Goldstein had in fact just called me baby. Tanya silenced me by kissing me. First my lips and then the top of my chest. I stopped laughing then. The laughter sort of stuck in my throat when I felt her soft mouth on my chest. 

Slowly trailing downwards until she reached a perked nipple that was positively aching for her attention. And she gave that to it. She took it between her beautiful lips and started sucking and god, my toes curled, and a moan spilled from my lips. 

“Tanya!” I breathed. “Fuck!”

She lifted her head briefly. “Not yet.”

I huffed, frustrated. “You’re teasing me, Goldstein!”

She never confirmed nor denied that. She just lowered her mouth and took my nipple between her lips again. She sucked at the hardened bud, gradually applying more and more pressure, and I cried out. For her. I was burning for her. Yearning for her. My hands automatically found home and gripped onto her shoulders. I squeezed and then dug blunt fingernails into her soft skin. I was sure the gesture was gonna leave her with half-moon shaped marks on her shoulders, and I knew that she would fuss and complain about it. But I also knew that deep down she didn’t mind it. Deep down she looked seeing the evidence of our little “rendezvous” as she called them. 

I huffed in complain again. But Tanya didn’t react to it. She just kept sucking and sucking on my nipple while she gently massaged my other breast with her hand. My eyelids fluttered. It was hard not to go a little crazy. Her soft hair was tickling my cheek and neck. Her mouth and hand was on my breasts. The French vanilla perfume filled my nostrils, and even though I was frustrated and needed her attention elsewhere, I also kinda wanted her to keep doing this. This unexpected, slow and gentle attention was extremely wonderful. Perhaps because I hadn’t been expecting it at all. I had half expected us to rip each other’s clothes off. And I had expected her to toss me onto the bed and having me as fast as possible. Tanya didn’t often do slow. I had only experienced it one time during our relationship. 

Normally, she was all about quick and hard and cursing and yelling, but as she gently fluttered her tongue over my nipple, I thought to myself that she mastered the art of slow and gentle too. With flying colors, even. I had a feeling that she hadn’t done a lot of slow and gentle in her life, so I felt pretty honored she was doing it with me. Somehow it only emphasized what we were. 

“Please,” I mumbled a tad slurred. “I don’t think I can take this for much longer.” My abdomen kept flexing and I was growing stickier between my thighs by the second. 

Tanya let out a soft rumbling sound that seemed to come all the way from her chest. Her mouth left my breasts, and I felt her soft, warm fingers grasp my chin. With some trouble, I opened my eyes and looked at her. 

“You’re so pretty,” she cooed. 

I laughed. Good ol’ Tanya. Couldn’t go too long without teasing me. One of the many things I so adored about her. “You’re a fine one to talk about pretty,” I told her. Right now, she was the picture of pretty. Blonde locks mussed up, lipstick smeared and emerald green eyes sparkling with mischief and joy. 

She let out a rich and husky laugh. Came up to steal a quick kiss from my lips. Then she turned her attention to the one of my breasts she hadn’t yet touched with her lips. “Now, where was I?”

I groaned. But really, I didn’t mind her taking her time with me at all. I felt like I was being worshipped by her. Which was ridiculous, because obviously it should have been the other way around, but it also felt absolutely incredible. Her lips closed around my other nipple, and I felt how my toes curled and my back arched and pushed my breast further into her mouth. My abdomen flexed, and I felt more wetness leak out of me when she applied just a bit more pressure to my nipple. She was turning me into putty just by kissing my breasts. That was quite an achievement. Tanya was without a doubt the best lover I’d ever had. Not that there ever were that many, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that none of them had ever made me burn in the same way she did. Right from the very beginning it had felt like she already knew my body. Knew of all the little secret places. All the things that made me feel euphoric. I wasn’t sure how that was even possible. It shouldn’t be. Not unless you believed in all that soulmate bullshit you watched in every other romantic comedy. I hadn’t believed in soulmate bullshit. I still didn’t. But having started a relationship with Tanya had maybe pushed my beliefs just a little. Perhaps, somehow, over time, I could be coaxed into actually believing in all that soulmate shit...

“Mmph!” an odd little sound slipped out of me when Tanya released my nipple and trailed her kisses down my stomach. I could feel my muscles flex in anticipation, and one of my hands automatically slipped from her shoulder and into her hair instead. I gave it the lightest of tugs, and to my delight I heard her let out a soft little moan at that. Her tongue dipped into my belly button and flicked once, and I whimpered slightly at that. Oh man, she had me. Like actually had me. In my dazed state, I wondered how the hell it was possible to feel such a cohesion with someone. We hadn’t even dated for that long. But maybe that didn’t matter. Maybe time became insignificant when you met the right person. Maybe dating the right person made everything else insignificant. Or maybe I was just in a ridiculously dazed state right now. 

Lower and lower Tanya’s mouth travelled. More and more noise I made. Good thing we were at her place rather than mine. The noise I was making was definitely not made for Angie’s ears. This was just for Tanya. And Tanya alone. Now her lips were on my inner thigh. Her tongue effortlessly skated over the trail of wetness there, and I made a sound that could have been a sob. 

“You’ve made a mess,” she murmured. It didn’t even sound like teasing. Her tone was too soft. 

“Your fault,” I mumbled. 

“Always blaming me,” she said softly.

I didn’t respond to that. It WAS her fault that I had made a mess. Definitely her fault. “Please fuck me,” I pleaded. 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t ya?” she half-chuckled, voice thickening as she spoke. In fact she actually sported somewhat of a country-accent right now. She sometimes did that when we were in bed together, I had noticed. As someone who was born in Montana and had lived the first sixteen years of her life there, she was bound to have some kind of accent, but I so rarely heard it. Only when we were in bed together. Only when we were in bed together. Only when she “let go” so to speak. I imagined that she had worked long and hard to loose the accent. I figured that was something you had to learn as an actress. To speak without any kind of accent. But I also had a feeling that she hadn’t learned to speak without a country accent just because of acting. My gut feeling told me that she also had done it in an attempt to “erase” that part of herself. The part of herself who had once lived a very different life in Montana. 

“Oh, fuck!” I cursed as I finally felt her tongue slide through my folds. Every thought immediately vaporized from my mind, and I was a hundred percent in the here and now. Feeling everything. Feeling what she was doing to me. Her tongue was by my entrance, gently lapping at the wetness gathering here. But that wasn’t the only thing happening. At some point, I wasn’t quite sure exactly when, her right hand had travelled down, and now her thumb was pressing against my clit, constantly lessening the pressure and then applying more. That combined with her mouth between my legs was a very dangerous cocktail indeed. 

“Tanya!” I half-moaned, half-complained. 

Her only response was to applying a bit more pressure to my clit. Enough to make my eyes water, but not quite enough to leave me satisfied. 

“Please fuck me,” I repeated. Because as good as this was, she wasn’t fucking me. At least not yet. Not really. 

Now she responded by carefully slipping her tongue inside me. Slowly, inch by inch, and I was starting to feel like I was loosing it. I said her name again. A bit more pleadingly this time, and her response to that almost took me by surprise. In one, quick thrust, her tongue was pressing against my g-spot. 

“Oh, fucking hell!” I said strangled and might have yanked a little too harshly at her hair. “Fuck, Tanya!” she would undoubtedly laugh at that later and slyly point out that I hadn’t been “fucking Tanya” when exclaiming that. But as of right now, she was obviously prevented from speaking. Her tongue curled and twisted inside me, and now she had two fingers on my clit. She was making slow, almost lazy circles. She knew how much I liked that. 

“You are so fucking good at that!” I hissed and felt her free hand squeeze my thigh. Even with her head between my legs she somehow still managed to taunt me. Man, she was good. Impulsively, I moved my damp hand down to my thigh and found her hand. Our fingers entangled, and I squeezed her digits ever so slightly. Exactly like I flexed my abdomen and squeezed her tongue just a little. I could tease too. At least when it came to that. My sudden urge to take her hand had nothing to do with teasing. That was just all about feeling her in every way I possibly could. I would never get enough of this. Never get enough of her. Sometimes I wondered what the fuck I had been doing before I met her. Hadn’t everything just been about alcohol and work before her? What kind of life had that even been? You can be grateful for the weirdest things, and right now I was grateful that I had had too much to drink and had told a brunette off in a shared taxi. Because that was what first had sparked Tanya’s interest. My terrible behavior in the taxi. When she recognized me during that interview, she had seen that as a challenge, she had told me. She had wanted me. 

“Oh, god!” my back arched again, and my toes curled. I was slowly but steadily reaching that point and place. That point where I could feel myself climbing upwards and upwards, and that place where a certain warmth took hold of me. I could feel it when more wetness leaked from my pussy, and I was pretty sure I heard Tanya make a sort of moaning sound. Somehow, I managed to open my eyes. I managed to lift my head and look down at her. But seeing her head bop up and down between my thighs combined with the wet sounds reaching my ears, was enough to make me fall back against the mattress. I banged my head on the headboard, and my “shit!” was half pleasure, half pain. Tanya’s attention between my thighs seemed to immediately soothe the blow, though, and I thought to myself that maybe a little pain mixed with the pleasure wasn’t so bad. That was what Tanya thought after all. And if she thought that, it had to be good, right? 

“Mph!” but this was really good too! Really, really good! Now my toes were really curling, and my abdomen tightening. I could feel my pussy tighten too. Tighten around Tanya’s clever, clever tongue. I was almost at breaking point. I could feel myself cracking and dangling right at that precipice. I always came so fucking fast with her. I had found it embarrassing until Tanya had stated how utterly sexy, she found it to be. My inability to hold back. She had of course teased and said that it was because she was so “damn irresistible”. I had grumbled something in reply, but she was absolutely right. Tanya Goldstein WAS damn irresistible. A seductress. A femme fatale. A femme fatale who was currently eating me out like she had never done anything else. I was going mad as I laid there tugging at her hair and with fingers interlaced with hers. She used her other hand to press the thumb against my hard clit, and that had me yelping and arching my back again. The pressure was just bordering on being painful, but it was an exceptional good kind of painful. A delicious kind of painful. The kind that had me moaning sharply as sweat trickled down my cheeks and gathered in the column of my throat. 

Warm. Everything was warm. The warmth was spreading within me. Beginning as a tingling sensation in my heels and then travelling up to ignite a small bonfire in my belly. That bonfire send tiny flickers up and down my spine, gathering momentarily at my lower back and then wrapping around my front. I panted out a few more breaths and squeezed my eyes shut so tightly I could see a million colors. Her hair was in my face. French vanilla was filling my nostrils. And even with my eyes closed, Tanya was all I saw, all I smelled, all I heard. The tiny little moaning sounds she somehow was able to make. The distinct, wet sound every time she slammed her tongue inside my pussy after having withdrawn it to the tip. There was a moment where I appeared to hold my breath. Where I was teetering right by the precipice. But then her thumb pressed down hard on my clit, and her tongue slammed back inside me, hitting my g-spot with a force that had by eyes rolling back and my body shaking violently under her ministrations. 

“I-OH!” not a word of warning. Not even a few well chosen curse words. I wasn’t even capable of that. I just....shattered. Into a million little pieces. The orgasm knocked the wind right out of me and the gasp filling the bedroom didn’t even sound like it was coming from me. It was too...animalistic. Too raw. My body was tingling and maybe even shaking a little. I could feel my pussy clench around her tongue and my thighs clamping down on either side of her face. I yanked at her hair and let out another wail that sounded far too inhuman. Tanya was the one who had made me sound like I was some lunatic. She was the one who had shattered me. But she was also the one who pieced me back together. After a moment, I was capable of relaxing my muscles, and I felt her withdraw her tongue from my pussy. She lessened the pressure on my clit. Good. It had started to get a little oversensitive to touch. The muscles in my thighs were replaced with spaghetti, and I felt myself splaying wide. My toes relaxed, and that was a relief after the way they had been in a curled, cramped position for so long. I released my grip on her hair. My arms ended up in a spread out position. I could probably have represented a very fucked up starfish right now. Or a jellyfish. Because while my current position was starfish-like, the way my body (and mind) felt was definitely leaning closer to jellyfish. 

“Ohhhh,” I almost cooed, and couldn’t really blame Tanya when she laughed. I sort of sounded like a mewling cat. 

“That was fun,” she said simply. 

I huffed. “Understatement, much?”

She laughed again. “Well, you DID have fun, didn’t you?”

“I still am, to be honest,” I groaned. I could still feel the pleasure rolling through my veins. With much difficulty, I opened my eyes just in time to see Tanya wipe the corners of her mouth with her thumb. Her hair was mussed up and her expression made me think of a cat that got the cream. So satisfied with herself. She tugged her hair over her left shoulder and glided her fingertips over the crescent shape marks I had left on her right shoulder. Then she glared a bit at me. “Ouch.”

“Sorry,” I said without feeling very sorry. 

“Well, I suppose it could have been worse,” she rubbed the mark, and only now I realized that I accidentally had punctured the skin. 

“Shit, I made you bleed,” I half-moaned. 

“You sure did,” Tanya said, now looking amused. “You should feel proud of yourself, darling.”

“But I don’t. Are you okay?” I asked as I scrambled to get into a sitting position.

She laughed now. “Don’t be stupid. I’m fine. It’s just a little scratch mark. I’ve-“

“Seen worse?” I suggested with a raised eyebrow before she could finish the sentence. 

“Yes, something like that,” she replied and shook her head slightly, letting her hair fall back over the wound on her shoulder. 

“From when you went to that place....” I mumbled and thereby voiced what I suspected we both had thought about a second ago. 

“Yes, from I went to that place,” Tanya said nonchalantly. Casually. And a maybe just a tad surprised that I was bringing it up. 

I cleared my throat and tried to snap out of my post orgasm state. “You gonna come down here?” I asked and patted the empty space in her enormous bed. 

Tanya chuckled, rolled her green eyes. “Are we doing that cuddling thing again?”

“Yep. We’re doing that cuddling thing again,” I confirmed. “So you better come down here.” 

She did so, and as she shifted, I briefly felt her wetness against my skin. “I’ll get you in a moment,” I promised with a slight grin. 

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, we have all day,” she said lightly, shifted so we were laying face to face and then she smirked as she tossed a leg over my waist. Once again, I felt her wetness. She was   
fucking soaked. I couldn’t wait to taste her in a moment. As soon as I had come out of my post-orgasmic bliss. I sighed and then pursed my lips. I teasingly blew air onto her chest and chuckled when she shivered and scolded: “tickles.”

“Ooops,” I said innocently. “My bad.”

“Watch it, Swanson,” she said lazily. 

“Or what?” I challenged mirthfully.

“Or I’ll do something far worse to you than just leaving a mark on your shoulder,” she threatened and sounded both like she was capable of both killing me and seducing me. Maybe the overall plan was to fuck me to death or something. 

“And what would you do?” I asked with a grin. 

“Oh, I’m sure I could think of something, my darling,” Tanya replied and pushed her long blonde hair away from her face. I noted that a couple of strands were sticking to the side of her neck. I wasn’t the only one sweating in this room. I slowly traced my finger over her perfect, ivory skin. She shivered and that little motion made my fingers slip slightly. They landed on the hip, but I wasn’t at all unhappy about that. This only meant that I now could trace my fingers over the tattoo on her hip. “Not Today”. After having found out what that tattoo actually meant, I always found myself touching the ink with an infinite amount of tenderness. 

Tanya let out a content and languid sigh. “Oh, this was fun.” She glanced at my hand on her hip and pulled a few strands of golden locks out from between my fingers. “But if you ever rip hair out of head again, we’re going to have words. Or maybe I’ll just punish you for it afterwards.”

I laughed, but her words still sparked a certain curiosity within me, and it once again made me think of what we’ve talked about in the hot springs. I said: “so, I was thinking...”

“About what?” she asked. Still sounding absolutely lazy.

“That conversation we had yesterday in the hot springs.”

Tanya yawned. “What conversation?”

“Y’know....” I stalled for a moment and hoped that she wouldn’t get upset or irritated that I was bringing it up again. “The one where we talked about the method you once used to.... declutter.”

“Oh, that,” she said. She didn’t sound annoyed. Just a bit surprised. “What about it?”

“I was just wondering if you... If you miss it?”

Tanya chuckled. “What’s brought this on?”

I shrugged lightly. As much as one could shrug when laying down. “Just wondering, that’s all. You don’t wanna answer?”

She rolled her emerald green eyes. Very expressive, and very Hollywood-y. “No. No, I don’t miss it.”

“Why not?”

“Because this is how I declutter now,” she said simply and lazily started to play with a lock of her hair. She wrapped it loosely around her index finger, and the way she did it, the way she wrapped those   
golden strands around her fingers, brought on another question from me:

“Have you ever been tied up?” 

She snorted unladylike and then laughed loudly. “Jesus, Mara.”

“Well? Have you?”

“It was a sex dungeon,” she scoffed. “Yes, I’ve been tied up. Pretty hard to avoid when you go to a place like that.”

“Did you like it?” 

“Yes. It was surprisingly relaxing when you needed to unwind. But as I said, being the submissive part eventually bored me, so I stopped going.”

I mulled over that for a second. Then I asked a second question: “have you ever tied up someone?” 

Tanya narrowed her eyes and gave me once-over. I calmly met her gaze and flashed her a little smile, silently trying to communicate that she didn’t have to answer if she didn’t want to. 

“I have,” she said after a moment. 

“Many times?” 

“A few.”

“Do you miss that?” I asked simply. 

She tapped a finger against my collarbone. “What is this about, Mara?” 

“It’s not about anything,” I said and flashed her a little smile. “I just wanna be sure you’re happy with things in the bedroom.”

That made Tanya laugh again. “How considerate,” she chuckled, hand slipping lower. She gave my left breast a slight squeeze. “I’m not some Christian Grey type who can’t live without dominance and submission in the bedroom, Mara. Trust me, I’m VERY happy with how things are.”

“Well, good,” I laughed too. “All I wanted to know.”

“Great,” she half-yawned. 

“But just for the record, if you ever miss it...” 

She raised an eyebrow. “Then what exactly?” 

“Well, then I wouldn’t be completely opposed to you... doing the tying,” I told her and grinned. 

Her smile grew wicked and angelic at the same time. “Trust me that much, do you?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact I do.” I really, really did. I knew that if we ever decided to try that, Tanya would take care of me. 

“I don’t miss it,” she said with a light shrug. 

“Okay. But if you ever do, I’m open to trying it. That’s all.” 

“Noted,” she said. She was still laughing, but I could see a certain softness in her smile. Definitely tenderness. 

“Okay,” I said simply and returned the smile. Now that I had said what I wanted to say, I was willing to let the subject go.”

“The only thing I miss right now is your fingers inside my pussy,” she said nonchalantly, and I damn nearly choked on thin air. When I was done coughing and hacking, I said: “well, I’m pretty sure that can be rectified, Goldstein.”

“Or your tongue,” she added. “That would be good too...” 

Instead of answering, I simply nudged her onto her back and claimed her lips in a not-quite gentle kiss. Tanya got what she wanted. First my fingers, and then once recovered from the first orgasm and still itching for another, she had my tongue. And now it was her turn to pull and yank at my hair. Her turn to moan and cry out. For me. My name had never sounded better than when it was coming from   
Tanya. Tanya, in the throes of passion. Tanya alternately praising the gods or cursing to the heavens. Because of me. I was doing this to her. I was giving her this pleasure. As my mouth worked between her smooth thighs, I made sure to stretch my arms so I could squeeze and massage her breasts. Why only pay special attention to one place when Tanya’s entire body was one big, special place? Every part so gloriously perfect. 

Her hands landed on top of mine. To keep them there? Or to feel that closeness I had been searching for when I took her hand earlier? I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was both. Wasn’t it often both when it came to Tanya? Her voice filled my ears. Rising in volume and strength. I felt her legs lift and then she was draping them over my shoulders. Had I been in a position to chuckle, I would. Tanya and her control.   
Never letting go of that for long. But that was fine. I loved when she hooked her legs over my shoulders. It was dead sexy. 

I thrusted my tongue a little faster inside her. Could feel how she clenched slightly around the muscle. She was clearly getting close again, and being the demon that I was, I stopped. Withdrew my tongue from within her. 

The response came immediately. Tanya huffed in frustration. “What the fuck?! Why the hell are you stopping?!”

Instead of answering I simply lowered my head and dragged my tongue over her swollen clit.

“Oh, GOD!” Tanya yelled, and I felt her legs tremble slightly on top of me. She had called me god. Which she obviously would deny later on, but I had every intention of using it against her.

I kept licking and licking, and I felt her pull at my hair again. She was a fine one to complain about having her hair ripped out. As far as I was concerned, she was the one doing most of the ripping. I would probably end up with a huge bald spot on my head if this continued. But oddly enough, I felt pretty zen about that. For Tanya, I was willing to live with a bald spot on my head. I switched tactic and started to flick my tongue against her clit instead. Quick and hard, exactly like I knew she liked it. And I wasn’t mistaken.

“Fucking hell!” She cursed, and I was certain she was doing that thing where she clenched her jaw real tightly. “You are such a-“ she didn’t finish the sentence and moaned instead.

My imagination immediately went into haywire. Such a what? Amazing girlfriend? Merciful god? Fucking tease? Insult or compliment? What? Damn, I had really wanted her to finish that sentence. But she clearly wasn’t in any position to talk right now. At least not properly. Clearly only in the position to curse. Which she happily did. Loudly. Asked me to “fuck me, damnit” even though I was already doing just that. 

It was time to pull out the “big guns”. I stopped licking and lapping at her clit and took it between my lips and started to suck languidly at the bundle of nerves instead. Harshly. Had it been me, my eyes would have started to water by now. Maybe hers were too. It was almost a pity that I couldn’t lift my head and take a quick look. But that would have been a crime. She would undoubtedly have cussed me out if I dared stopping right now. Fortunately, I wasn’t that dumb. I knew better than to stop just because I was curious to see her facial expression. I had no problem with imaging how she was biting her lip and squeezing her eyes shut. 

“Oh, FUCK!” she yelled, and I felt her pulling at my hair again. “Fucking hell, Mara!”

I mmm’ed around her clit. I couldn’t help it. She was just so fucking hot! I could feel her wetness on my chin. Fuck, she was so fucking wet. That inspired me of course, and I lowered my hand and slipped two fingers inside her. She was soaked. My fingers met absolutely no resistance what so ever. But I felt more wetness emerge from her pussy, and I moaned again. 

“Oh, Mara!” she breathed, and now she was definitely worshipping me. The way she said my name. So softly, so gently. Her fingers wasn’t tugging as much as they were gently combing through my hair now. Her legs trembled on top of me again, and I knew that she was reaching that high again. Hovering right by that precipice. 

I started thrusting my fingers inside her, curled the digits against her g-spot. But I had barely started to move them inside her before I felt her tightening around my fingers. I upped my pace on both sucking her clit and moving my fingers. 

Tanya let out a breathless gasp. Then another moan that was slightly more breathy than the others she’d made. She cursed. Went “fuck-fuck-fuck-oh-fuck”, and I did everything I could to push her over the edge. Even somehow managed to give her breast another squeeze. A bit of a clumsy one, to be honest, but still well meaning. 

That did the trick. After another round of “fuck-fuck-fuck”, I felt her tense for a moment. Then she finally let it all out and with one last “Ma-RA!” she tumbled over the edge. Afterwards she laid limp for a while. For so long I actually thought she had conked out. I felt proud for two seconds over having made her bliss out, but then she lifted her head. “So, you wanna order some sushi?” she asked. 

I laughed. “Yeah. Sushi sounds great, Goldstein.”

“Great. I’ll order us some in a moment then,” she said lazily and made absolutely no attempt at moving. 

“Let’s give it five minutes,” I suggested. “Or ten.” I settled down next to her and raked my fingers up and down her back. “You look a bit worn out.” 

She muttered something that was vaguely insulting, and I gave her a little squeeze.

That was how our little early afternoon delight ended. With sushi in bed and the second season of “Love Me Not” on her plasma screen. Tanya bashed on herself and called it “a lousy performance” and I   
told her that it wasn’t true. 

“I mean, just look at me,” she scoffed, pointing to herself on the screen. Celeste and her ex-boyfriend was currently looking each other deep in the eyes. 

“I am. And you look great. Is there a love scene coming up in a second?”

“There is. So you might wanna cover your eyes,” she joked. 

“Nahh...” I stuffed another piece of sushi inside my mouth and then gave her a little squeeze. “I actually believe I can handle it, Goldstein...”

“Good.” She elegantly ate another sushi roll. Then she rolled her eyes as Celeste and her mean, mean ex started to undress each other. “God, I sound so fake there!”

“You don’t,” I assured her. “But honestly? You sounded more genuine a second ago.”

“Good,” she smirked. “That’s very good.”

And I silently agreed with her. That was very good. Very, very good!


	15. Coffee With Extra Misunderstanding

Things got busy after we returned home from Colorado. With the second season of “Love Me Not” being available on Netflix, Tanya once again got a lot of attention. Her cellphone was making noise non-stop. Either it was her agent calling her, or it was her inbox overflowing with emails. Tanya took every call and read every email, but so far, she hadn’t said yes to anything. Not besides the movie she was shooting in England in six months, and the movie taking place in France. She was still interested in that medical series, but she didn’t know whether ‘Love Me Not’ was in or out, as she said. She had to wait and see whether the series would be renewed or not. 

I was hoping that it would. Tanya and I had watched the whole thing in a week. Of course it had ended with a gigantic cliffhanger- Celeste being shot by her insane ex, to be more specific- and a part of me had freaked out a little because it had looked just a little too real. Tanya had of course laughed her head off at my reaction and then given me a long monologue about how it had taken to wash the fake blood away. Apparently, it had been a huge mess. She had waggled an eyebrow and told me that she could have used my help to wash it away, and I had laughed whilst telling her thar washing fake blood away was the weirdest type of seduction I had ever heard of. 

But Tanya wasn’t the only one who was busy after we had come home from Colorado. So was I. I was up to my eyeballs in articles, and at most times I could be found sitting in front of my laptop, typing away like a maniac. On several occasions, I packed the laptop up for the night and brought it with me to Tanya’s place. Then we would sit in her enormous bed. Both of us with our laptops. Me, writing another article, and Tanya replying to email or to the messages she had received on Instagram. It was actually very domestic-esque, sitting in her bed and working on each our thing. 

But of course working was not all we did in her bed. After long stretches of silence, Tanya would suddenly put her laptop aside and kiss my jaw or my neck. I would pull a ‘dissatisfied girlfriend’ and tell that I was busy. She would retort with a confident ‘you are never too busy for me’. And then her hands would wander down to the buttons in my shirt. She would unbutton it. Slip her hand underneath my top and cup my breast in her hand. And obviously, that would make me forget about whatever article I was in the middle of writing. For the rest of the night, Tanya would be the only thing on my mind, and when I woke up the following morning, naked and with messed up hair, I would feel so happy it was almost ridiculous. I would wonder to myself how the hell it was even possible to feel so euphoric. I would grin to myself. Tanya would wake up and comment that I looked like “Santa Clause on drugs”, and I would make some lame joke about her comparing me to a fat bearded guy in a red suit.

However cliché it sounded (and it really, really did!), I felt like Tanya and I were in a good place. To be frank, things were going great between us. We saw each other regularly, either at her place or mine and Angie’s. Sometimes we hung out the four of us, Angie and Cooper, Tanya and I. She liked my friends, and they liked her. How could they not, I sometimes jokingly thought to myself. Cooper seemed to slowly get over his starstruck....ness, and started treating Tanya like a person and not just a movie star. We had so much fun when we hung out all four. Sometimes so much fun, ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ from upstairs banged on ceiling to get us to shut up. That of course, only spurred an even bigger laughing fit from all of us. 

Tanya made me so very happy. She made me laugh. Of course she annoyed me too. She knew exactly which buttons to push to set me off, but all about it, the banter, that was just a part of our relationship. That was how it had been right from the start. We bantered. We insulted each other. We laughed. And the chemistry between us was sizzling. Every time she kissed me, I could feel it everywhere in my body, and I immediately wanted more. To put it plainly, my sex life had never been better. Tanya knew the exact combination of rough and gentle, and whenever we were together behind closed doors in her or my bed, I always felt like a certain euphoria washed over me. But it wasn’t just the sex. It was everything. The way she could start laughing while in a post-orgasm state. Our pillow talks when we were basking in the afterglow. Sometimes we enjoyed a little friendly slanging match, but at other times, the pillow talk turned more vulnerable and soft. Tanya had a certain way of reaching out and cupping my cheek with her long fingers. She had a certain way of looking at me with her dazzling emerald green eyes. Almost like she couldn’t quite believe it. Like she considered herself LUCKY. Which was just about the most ridiculous thing ever, because I was the lucky one. I was the one who had stumbled upon a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And just because I half-drunkenly had ducked into a taxi in the darkness. Sometimes fate was a strange one. It was like introducing her to my parents had made us even closer. There was a milestone behind us now. The first one. And obviously, my mom was nagging me because she wanted to know when Tanya and I came to Colorado again. When I told Tanya this, she laughed and said that she couldn’t wait to hang out with my parents again..... 

“Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Huh?” I looked up from the article I was checking for spelling errors.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Angie replied and chuckled. “I haven’t seen her in like... two days?”

“Actually, it’s three,” I corrected, knowing all too well that it had been too long since I last had seen Tanya. 

“Three days?” Angie repeated and raised an eyebrow. “What happened to you two? Should I be worried? You guys are usually joined at the hip...”

“Shut up, no, we’re not,” I protested.

My roommate snorted. “It’s been two weeks since you came from Colorado, and ever since then you’ve been completely attached. Last week you randomly came home at five am to grab some clothes, and then off you went again...”

“I had forgotten a change of clothes, okay?” I huffed. “And I couldn’t very well waltz into the office wearing the same clothes as yesterday. That would not have been very professional...” I trailed off as I   
thought back to that day. Tanya had had a bunch of appointments, so I had hung out in her big, empty house after work. When she came home, she had brought some salad and other stuff we could use for dinner, and she had dramatically dropped everything on the kitchen table and stated that she needed ‘first aid and lots of it’. It turns out that she had wrapped up all her appointments by going to her beautician for the ‘full ride’ as she called it. Which meant Brazilian wax. I had immediately expressed how much I felt for her, and that wasn’t a joke. That shit was fucking painful, and every time I forced myself to get it done, I always regretted my life choices afterwards. Much like Tanya had done that night. She had been sprawled out on the big leather couch and moaning that she would never ever let anyone near her ‘vag’ ever again. I had laughed. Because of what she had just called her most intimate parts, and because she was so dramatic. She had snipped and sneered and told me to shut up and feel sorry for her. So I had. And a few days later, she had in fact let me come near her ‘vag’ again. 

“So, what’s she up to today?” Angie asked and pulled me out of my thoughts. 

“Fitness and massage, I think.”

“All day?” Angie raised an eyebrow. 

“She takes her fitness routine very seriously,” I grinned. 

“Right then. You seeing her tomorrow?” 

“I don’t know, actually. She had a thing with her agent-“ I gestured in the air to indicate that I couldn’t remember which thing.

“Oh. Doesn’t that suck a little bit?”

“Nah, I knew that she would get really busy when we came home from Colorado. It’s cool,” I shrugged. “I’ll probably see her this weekend.”

“Probably?” Angie repeated and tilted her head. 

“Yeah, probably. Her schedule is ridiculous because she took some time off.” I hadn’t actually known just how much Tanya had canceled in order to travel to Colorado with me, and really it was quite touching, the lengths she had gone to to make sure she could be in Colorado. 

“She gonna come here then?” Angie asked nonchalantly while opening the fridge and searching for something eatable. 

I added one last comma to my article and then send it onwards to Boris. “Yeah, she is.”

“Alright. The usual warning still stands,” my roommate joked. “Keep it down. I’m really, really not interested in hearing you having sex. Again.”

“That was ONE time!” 

“And I’ve been traumatized ever since,” she said dully but then flashed me a cheeky grin. “But in all seriousness, you guys were very good at being quiet the last time she stayed over.”

“Thanks a lot,” I said sarcastically and pretended to be very busy on my laptop to hide my blushing cheeks. There had been two reasons why I had been able to be quiet the last time Tanya had been here. 

One: I had literally been biting a pillow. And two: Tanya had whispered in my ear that she would gag me if I made too much noise. Afterwards, when I once again had been capable of saying anything, I had told her “That’s very BDSM of you, Goldstein”. Tanya’s reply had been a slight shrug and a nonchalant: “oops”. 

I sighed quietly and a tad longingly. That had been such an amazing night. All of the nights with Tanya was. Whether we were talking or.... not talking. I much preferred spending the night with her, and on the nights where she was at her own place, I felt oddly out of sorts. Being in Colorado and waking up to her for three days straight had clearly spoilt me. I was looking forward to the weekend. If Tanya’s schedule didn’t put a stop to it, she would be coming over on Friday afternoon and stay until Monday morning. We’d had the whole weekend together. And we had no plans whatsoever. Except for laying around and watching Twin Peaks- one of Tanya’s passions. She could literally quote the show and on more than one occasion, I had heard her say “Damn good coffee”. Which I found to be pretty funny. 

“Eww!”

“What?” I looked up, slightly startled over Angie’s exclamation. 

“Look at this!” she said and winced. “That’s fucking disgusting!”

It didn’t take me long to figure out what ‘this’ was. A loaf of bread that seemed to be molting rapidly. “Yikes,” I said, wincing too. “That IS fucking disgusting!”

“Why the hell are we so bad at noticing these things?” Angie complained as she held the loaf of bread with two fingers and then dumped it into the thrash can. 

“I dunno. You better take that all the way out,” I said, nodding towards the bag in the trash can. 

“Duhh,” Angie said simply. She grabbed the bag full of thrash and then left. When she came back, she loudly complained over how disgusting that had been. I probably wasn’t very good at offering my sympathy, because she was muttering insults at me under her breath. 

I snickered quietly and turned my attention back to the laptop. Angie’s cellphone chimed, and she giggled like a sixteen year old when reading the text. I looked up and raised an eyebrow. “And you have the audacity to say that Tanya and I are bad.”

“Shut up,” Angie huffed. “You guys are way worse than Cooper and I will ever be!”

“Says the woman who giggles when her boyfriend texts her.”

“He’s not my-“

“Jesus.” I rolled my eyes. “If I can come out as Tanya’s girlfriend in a magazine, you can admit to being Cooper’s girlfriend on a regular basis and not just in the weekends.”

“Okay, he’s my boyfriend,” Angie admitted. 

“Atta girl.”

“But it might not stay that way,” she continued with a sigh. 

“What do you mean?” I pushed the laptop away. Now my full attention was on Angie.

“Apparently he’s been offered a job in Chicago.”

“Chicago?” this was surprising. I knew that Cooper had been looking for a better job for a while, but I hadn’t expected it to be that far away. 

“Yeah. He’s not sure he’s going to say yes, but if he does...”

“He wants you to come with him,” I finished the sentence and felt a sting of panic at the thought of loosing my best friend to Chicago. 

“Yep,” Angie confirmed and ran a finger through her red hair. “But I don’t know.... It’s so far away. I like it here. I have a pretty awesome job and my folks and everything. And you. If I move out, it means   
that you have to find something else to live in as well.”

“Hey, don’t you worry about me,” I said firmly. “If you want to go with Cooper to Chicago, you’ll do it. I’ll be fine. I always am.”

Angie cracked a smile. “Right. And it isn’t like you’d be completely screwed. Tanya’s place is pretty big-“

“Nope!” I interrupted. “I’ve dated her two months. I’m not about to pull a U-Haul. Nu-uh. Not happening.”

“But will you eventually?” Angie asked plainly. “You and Lily dated for three years and she only lived here during the weekends.”

“Your point being?”

Now she smiled. “I’ve seen the way Tanya looks at you, Mara.”

“Yeah, so have I. I like the way she looks at me. What’s your point, exactly?”

“Don’t screw it up,” Angie said simply. And then she laughed loudly. 

I huffed and did the only thing I could do in this situation. I grabbed the crumpled paper tissue next to me and threw it at her. It hit her square in the face.

Angie squealed and protested and told me that I ‘sucked’. 

“Not at throwing paper balls at you,” I said triumphantly. I felt proud of myself. 

*****************

Friday afternoon found me at Juicy Bits’ headquarter. I had just finished the last article for the day, and now I was in the middle of quickly packing up my stuff so I could get home in a hurry. I was eager to see Tanya. I was eager to splay out on the couch with her and watch television. And Angie happened to spend the night at Cooper’s place, so who knows what else the night would bring.

“In a hurry, Mara?” Boris said jovially when he passed my desk. 

“Uh-huh,” I said and shoved the laptop into the bag.

“Careful,” he laughed. “I don’t think Ingrid would approve of that.”

“Well, she can go and-“

“Mara!”

We both laughed, and Boris’ voice was oh, so sweet when he asked: “on your way to see the girlfriend? It’s been a while since I last saw her around here...”

“Her schedule has been completely fucked up since we came home from Colorado,” I said, slinging the bag over my shoulder. “Seriously, the amount of people who wants to talk to her is ridiculous!”

“She’s very popular,” he chuckled. “And so are you. I saw that creepy comment someone left on your latest picture.”

“Yeah, I saw that too.” I rolled my eyes. “But don’t worry, I’ve blocked him. And reported him.”

“That’s good. What a bastard.”

“Never mind him. He was just an idiot. See you on Monday.”

“See you, Swanson. Have a good weekend.”

“You too.” I smiled. I would definitely have a very good weekend. One that I had been waiting for all week.”

I made it outside and as I was walking to the car, my cellphone went off in my pocket. I fished it up and grinned to myself. ‘Tan-Tan’ was calling me. Answering the call, I said: “hey, Tan-Tan, what’s up?”

“I told you not to call me that,” Tanya said dully in the other end. 

“And I told you that that would never happen,” I laughed. “What’s up? You done with all the meetings and stuff?” 

“Almost. Might be dragging out, but don’t worry, I told them that I only have twenty more minutes.”

I chuckled. Good ol’ bossy Tanya.

“I was thinking, can we meet at Starbucks?” Tanya continued. “The coffee’s they’ve been serving me has tasted like cat piss!”

“Had a lot of that?”

“Bite me,” she scoffed. 

“Gladly. Where?”

She sighed gravely and sounded like she was loosing her patience. “Can we meet at Starbucks or not?” 

I snickered. “Sure. We can meet at Starbucks.”

“Great. I’ll get Fred to drive me there and then we can drive back to your place in your car. Sounds good?” 

“Sounds awesome. Want me to order for you when I get there?”

“God no. You can never get my order right anyway.”

“Hey, that is so not-“

“Goodbye, Mara. See you soon,” she silkily interrupted. There was a little click and then she was gone. 

“You goddamn-“ I didn’t finish the sentence as I slipped the phone back into the pocket of my parka. Instead I whistled quietly to myself, and there was a certain bounce in my step as I walked towards my car. Had this been a musical, I would probably have bursted out singing right about now. Good thing this was not a musical, then. If I started singing, someone would probably call an ambulance because they thought I was suffering. Or maybe they would call the police because THEY were suffering. 

I shoved my bag into the backseat and wiggled onto the drivers seat. Twisted the key once. The car started, and what once had sounded obnoxiously loud was now quiet and almost gentle. That’s what happened when you spend too much time in Tanya’s beloved Buick. That thing made one hell of a noise, but it was a beautiful old car. Tanya loved it. So much I once or twice had jokingly asked if she wanted to be alone with the car for a moment. Her answer? That she preferred the dryer. Obviously. A perfect Tanya Goldstein-answer. 

Starbucks was pretty packed with people, and I hoped that no one would take notice of Tanya. I knew that she wasn’t interested in being recognized. She’d had a long week and she was probably tired. For a second, I considered to text her to let her know there was full of people so she could bring her wig, but then I decided not to. She was smart enough to know that already. 

“Hey, be careful,” I said lightly and only narrowly avoided being throttled by a little old lady who clearly was in a hurry to get out. 

She shot me a really dirty look, and I glared in return. Why did people have to be so dang rude? Seriously, her purse nearly ended up in my face as she turned around and left. 

“Well, it was great to meet you too,” I muttered sarcastically and rolled my eyes. Someone was clearly in a bad mood today. But fortunately enough, I wasn’t. I still felt every bit optimistic and upbeat after she left. It took more than one rude ass old lady to crush my good mood. 

Another guy almost ran into me, and this time I smiled instead of saying something biting. This was the new Mara. She smiled instead of saying something rude. The old Mara would never have. Times were a-changing, as they say.

While I stood in line and tried to avoid being shoved around by people, I considered what I wanted to order. Maybe a caramel-latte. I’d had a long week too. I was allowed to indulge a little, right? A caramel-latte. And maybe a slice of that delicious, gooey chocolate cake I could see floating around in the café. I had deserved that too. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I eagerly fished it out because   
I thought it was Tanya, but it was just another Instagram notification. Someone wanted to follow me. Again. There had been pretty much of that lately. I still hadn’t gotten used to it. To the fact that people actually knew who I was. But I would have to. I was ‘someone’ now. A ‘celebrity’. I chuckled quietly to myself. No, I wasn’t. Not really. Tanya was the celebrity. Not me. I just happened to be Tanya’s girlfriend. And everyone’s gay aunt too. That was what the official hashtag was. I kept seeing it every time I went on Tanya’s Instagram. If I scrolled through the comments people had left on the pictures of she and I, I always came across #MyGayAunts. And over ten times too. It was funny how her fans really had taken that to heart. They had completely immortalized her quote from the Juice Bits interview. It was actually very sweet. I liked it. I liked that her fans thought of us as their gay aunts. And I knew for a fact that she had fans messaging her, telling her their fears regarding coming out and sexuality. Tanya often spend hours on replying to as many of the messages as she could. She really thought long and hard about her answers before replying, and I knew how much it touched her that her fans came to her for advises. And she had joked that if acting didn’t worked out for her, she could become a counsellor. I’m sure she would be pretty good at that, actually. I had seen her answers. She really understood what kind of struggles these kids were going through, and I always felt a bit sad when remembering that she had been one of those kids once. And there had been no one to guide her through the turmoil she was going through. She had been all alone with her thoughts. 

“Oh, woops,” I said when a kid almost ran into me. 

“Sorry!” the kid’s mom said as she tiredly rushed after the boy, calling “Bradley! Wait for mommy, please!”

I snickered to myself. That poor mom. She looked like she was the one who needed a caramel latté. And a very large one too. 

The que finally thinned out, and it became my turn to order. I ordered a caramel latté to go. No chocolate cake. I suddenly remembered that I had bought popcorn for tonight, and it would have been a shame to “spoil my appetite” for that. I got my coffee and glanced at my watch. According to the time, Tanya was supposed to be here in ten minutes. I still had a bit of waiting to do, it would seem. Maybe   
I should head outside and find a bench or something. But then I remembered that it was ridiculously cold. I would freeze my ass off if I went outside. But the coffee shop was packed. There wasn’t any tables available. I puffed out air. Great. That was just great. I would have to stand up then. Awesome. Unless I went back to the car. But that would be silly too. Tanya could risk walking right past me. 

I ended up standing leaned against the wall while I took little sips of my scorching hot coffee. Maybe a tad rude to start without her, but I had to do something while waiting for Tanya, right? She had to be here soon. Unless this meeting thing was dragging out further. I hoped that it wouldn’t. But at the same time I was well aware of how much Stacy talked. Tanya had told me that Stacy at some point had managed to hold her up for two hours because she wouldn’t stop talking. But she was a good agent, I knew that too. Tanya would never have gotten the job on ‘Love Me Not’ if it hadn’t been for Stacy, so maybe one could live with the fact that she talked a lot. I took another sip of my coffee and checked my watch again. A tad impatient now, I knew that, but it had been three days since I last saw Tanya, and however stupid it sounded, I missed her. And I couldn’t wait to spend the whole weekend with her. She had even promised me that she would give me a ride to work come Monday. AND pick me up from work when I was done. Twice the Tanya. I was one very lucky bastard. And one impatient bastard too. I felt a bit silly for standing leaned against a wall in a Starbucks coffee house. I decided that I would wait outside instead. Tanya would probably be here in a couple of minutes, and until then, I had the coffee to keep me warm. I would be fine. I slowly began to make my way through the crowded coffee house. That was a bit of a circus-number, really. Balancing the warm coffee and avoid being shoved. For whatever reason the waitress had forgotten to put a lid on the cup, and that was very impractical. But I didn’t want to stand in line again just to complain over that. I did feel a bit sorry for Tanya, though. She would have to stand in line when she arrived. Or maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be recognized, and everyone would be so surprised they would just let her be the first in line. The idea of that amused me, and I a bit to myself. 

I made it over to the door and was just about to shove it open when I heard a voice behind me saying: “Mara?”

Instinctively, I turned around and came face to face with...

“Lily,” I said surprised. I had definitely not expected to run into my ex-girlfriend, but there she was. Barely reaching my chin. Flowery dress and chunky scarf tied around her neck. Black hair tied back in a low ponytail. Dark brown eyes. Exactly like I remembered her. 

“Hi!” she said, smiling brightly. 

“He... Hey,” I said somewhat reserved. “How’s... How’s things?”

“Pretty good,” she replied and glanced towards the cup in my hand. “Caramel latte?”

“Mhmm,” I said. It suddenly irritated me that she knew what kind of coffee I preferred. 

“So, how are you doing?” she asked cheerfully. 

“Oh, you know,” I settled for a shrug. 

“I think that’s a bit of an understatement,” Lily said and frowned softly. “I saw you on television for the Golden Globe awards.”

“Yeah, I was.... I was there.”

She chuckled. “You and Tanya Goldstein. That’s pretty wild.”

“I guess so.” I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my relationship with Tanya with her. 

“How long have you guys been together?” she continued. 

“Two months now.”

“Really? That’s cool. I figured it was something like that,” she laughed sweetly. “It’s been pretty hard to avoid seeing you guys on Instagram.”

“Yeah, so I’ve noticed,” I said flatly. 

She blushed a little at that. “I’ve been a bit of a stalker, haven’t I? I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. Look, I gotta go,” I said. “I actually have a thing, so-“

“There’s actually something I want to talk to you about,” she interrupted. “Can we sit for five minutes?”

“Make that two. I’m kinda in a rush.”

“Two minutes then. Please? I’ll hurry, I promise.”

“Fine,” I said. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t want to be rude either. 

She lead me to the only available table near the window, and we sat down across each other. I took a sip of my coffee, raised my eyebrow and stared at her in expectation. Lily fiddled with the bottom of her chunky scarf. “I know I’ve been stalkerish, but I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while,” she started. “I guess I didn’t know how to do it, so...”

“What do you want to talk to me about?” I asked impatiently. I had places to go and people to see. 

“I want to apologize, Mara,” she said quietly and sincerely. 

I stared at her. “What?”

”The way I just ended things,” she continued. “Walked out. It wasn’t okay.”

“That was ages ago,” I reminded her. “I’ve moved on since then. Like you.”

“Well, actually, I’m not really-“ she stopped talking and shook her head, and thereby my suspicion was confirmed. She and Ursula were not together any longer. I imagined that Ursula was the one who had left. Maybe even because she had met somebody else. For a moment I felt disgustingly pleased that Lily was going through the same heartache she had put me through, but then I pushed the thought away. I felt sorry for Lily. Yes. That was exactly what I did. 

“Sorry to hear that,” I said. 

“Yeah, thanks.” She squirmed a little in her seat. “Anyway, I just wanna say that I’m really sorry for what I did to you, Mara. After everything, the three years we were together, you deserved something more than just ‘I can’t do this anymore’.” 

“Well, it is what it is,” I said. “As I said, I’ve moved on. I’m actually pretty happy now, so...”

“Yeah, I could see that,” Lily said and flashed me a little smile. “You and Tanya look very happy together.”

The way she said it. There was just the slightest hint of something in her voice, and it made me glare a little as I said: “we are.” 

She took a deep breath and continued to fiddle with her scarf as she said: “do you think you’ll be able to forgive me, Mara?” 

I silently wondered what the hell kind of bullshit this was. She’d had absolutely no problem with walking out on me without another word. She hadn’t called or texted me once afterwards. She had just been gone. Poof. And now she suddenly wanted my forgiveness because she realized what a tough motherfucker it is to go through a breakup? That was bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. 

But I had no interest in dragging this out. “Fine.” I said. “I forgive you.”

A smile blossomed on her lips, and her eyes even seemed a bit misty as she said: “Seriously?”

“Yup. Seriously. But now I really gotta-“

“Thank you, Mara,” she said heartfelt and put her hand over mine on the table. 

“Yeah, no biggie,” I said, quickly drawing my hand away from under hers. “Look, I have to go now, okay?”

“Okay. Sure. But it was... It was really great talking to you.”

I muttered something inaudible in response and then I rose from my chair. 

Lily did the same. “Bye, Mara,” she said. “I’m really... I’m really glad we got to talk. You have no idea how bad I’ve felt about what I did to you.” 

My plan was to say something that could lessen her guilt or something, but what she did next left me completely stunned. One minute she was standing next to me, and the other she was hugging me all the sudden. Literally. She had wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me in for a hug. 

“Uhh...” I said vaguely. Lily was a hugger. How could I ever have forgotten that? There had been a point where I found it to be sweet, but this afternoon I found it to be irritating and maybe even a little violating. Her cake-scented perfume which once had been one of the best scents in the world, now seemed to attack my nostrils in the most irritating way possibly. It was too much. The scent was quite literally suffocating me. As I considered how I was supposed to make this stop without causing a major scene, I looked around as though I was searching for help. It was when I looked out of the window behind me that I saw her. 

Tanya was standing right outside and taking in the scenario. Me. And Lily. Who was still hugging me. Tightly. Far, far too tightly. Tanya and I made eye contact for a split second, and first I saw confusion, then anger and then finally hurt and betrayal. Her green eyes widened, and her mouth was slightly agape. I saw a flush of anger spread across her normally so pale skin. Then she turned around and sped-walked away with her blonde hair billowing behind her. 

That’s when I finally was brought out of my dazed state. “Shit!” I yelled as I roughly pushed Lily away. I dropped the coffee on the floor and the beverage ended up as nothing more but a splatter, but I didn’t pay attention to the angry barista when she yelled that I had to clean that up. I just dashed out of the coffee house, out on the street where I bewildered looked around for my girlfriend. 

“Tanya?!” I yelled, head whipping around like I was some maniac. “Tanya!” 

There was no reply. And at the same time there was. Because I heard tires screeching, and the next second I saw her old Buick speed down the road. Whether she was driving, or Fred was remained unclear, but I knew that this wasn’t good. In fact it was a huge fucking disaster. Literally, this was the worst thing that could possibly have happened!

“Fuck!” I yelled. Tanya knew who Lily was. She knew because she had seen pictures of her on Instagram. To know what she “was up against”, as she had joked. And it wasn’t hard to figure out what Tanya was thinking right now....


	16. A Great Big Misunderstanding

Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck, my inner voice chanted as I clumsily managed to get my phone out of my pocket. My fingers seemed to shake a little as I dialed Tanya’s number, and my gut churned as I brought the phone up to my ear and waited impatiently. I HAD to get a hold of Tanya right now!

But the only thing I was greeted by was Tanya’s usual voicemail: ‘hey, this is Tanya. I can’t talk right now, but please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.’ Beep. 

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Hey, it’s me,” I said and tried to keep my voice calm and under control. “I know that you think you saw something really bad, but I can promise that that is literally not what happened. At all! Please call me back, okay?” I left the message on her voicemail and then proceeded to send her a text message too. Keeping my voice under control had clearly come with a price. I ended up sending a mixture of nonsense and desperation to her: ‘No! No, no, no, no! That is so not what happened! I know it looks really bad, but I can assure, I’d never do something like that to you! Not ever! She hugged me. Lily hugged ME. And yeah, I totally froze because she completely took me by surprise, but I should have pushed her away! I was about to push her away, I swear! I’d never cheat on you, Tanya! I literally would NOT. Call me back. Please!’ 

Then I slipped my phone back into my pocket and darted off towards my car. Tanya had to be back home. And I had to get back to her. Quickly. Before she could jump the conclusion even further. I was already halfway there and was fumbling with the key to unlock the door, when the door to Starbucks opened and Lily emerged. She came jogging over to me, said: “Mara, I-“

“Nope.” I cut her off and finally managed to get the damn car unlocked. 

“I just wanna say that I’m sorry!” she continued. “I really am! I never should have-“

“You know what?” I harshly interrupted her. “Fuck you, Lily.” 

She visibly recoiled at that, but I wasn’t done: “stop liking my pictures on Instagram as a way to get my attention,” I continued. “Don’t hug me unless I specifically tell you to! And last but not least...” I huffed like an angry bull. “Don’t pop up in my life and plead for forgiveness just because you now know what it feels like to be dumped! I’m not here to assuage your guilt, got it?! Because guess what?! You fucking broke me. I was a goddamn mess after you walked out on me! But then I met Tanya, and I’m telling you... She’s a far better match for me than you ever could have been, and if your stupid stunt just cost me...” I didn’t finish the sentence. I didn’t dare to. Instead I just glared at her. Lily’s brown eyes were wide with shock, and her mouth was hanging open. 

“You’ve had months and months to check how I was doing,” I sneered. “But you didn’t. Because you didn’t care about it until your own girlfriend suddenly ditched you, isn’t that right? THEN you suddenly remembered that you did the exact same thing to me. Well, guess what? I. Don’t. Care. I literally do not. You’re the thing I find to be the least interesting on the entire planet, however... I think this is karma working. You dumped me. She dumped you. Funny how things works out, isn’t it? Now I’ll try and get a hold of my girlfriend so I can tell her that there isn’t a single thing about you that I find to be even remotely attractive. Goodbye, Lily!”

And with that I hopped into the car and slammed the door behind me. The tires squealed as I booked it out of the parking lot, leaving Lily to stand there with her mouth hanging open. Served her right. I was pissed at her. But I was also pissed at myself. Why hadn’t I pushed her away immediately instead of just standing there like an idiot?! I completely understood why Tanya had jumped the conclusion. 

Had it been me who had seen her in a close embrace with another woman who just so happened to be her ex, I would be pissed too. For sure. Jumping the conclusion and filling in the blanks would be the easiest thing in the world. 

“Shit!” I cursed. “Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!”. This was literally the worst thing that could have happened. I could think of no greater disaster to occur, and I took it out on all the other drivers and pedestrians I saw on my way. I yelled and cursed and even honked a few times. My exclaims were met with raised middle fingers in return, but I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was getting back to Tanya’s as soon as possible. My phone chimed and I nearly drove into a tree because I obviously had to check the message. But I was disappointed to discover that it wasn’t Tanya. It was Lily. Telling me how sorry she was. I deleted the message without answering. When I got home, I would block her number and block her on Instagram. Like I should have done right from the get-go. Damn, why hadn’t I just done that? If I had, the message would have been loud and clear. But for some reason I had been worried that it would seem ‘immature’. Yeah, well, rather be immature than loosing Tanya. My gut churned. 

Nope. Nu-uh. That was not an opportunity. No sir. Of course we could figure this out. We HAD to! 

I gnashed my teeth and bit the inside of my cheek so hard I could taste blood.

While I waited for the light to turn green, I took the opportunity to check my phone. Tanya hadn’t called me back. Or responded to my message. In fact she hadn’t even read it. And that made red flags go off in my head. I would almost have preferred if I could see that she had read the message but chosen to not respond to it. I called her again. Waited. Then the automated: ‘hey, this is Tanya. I can’t talk right now, but please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.’ “Hey, it’s me again,” I said. “I’m on my way back to your place now, and I.... Well, I hope you’ll let me in when I get there. If not, I’ll be willing to camp outside until you talk to me. There’s nothing going on between me and Lily. Nothing whatsoever! The only thing going on was that she hugged me and caught me by surprised. And I wished I had pushed her away a hell of a lot sooner! That’s literally all. Call me. Please.” 

Just as I was concluding the message, the car behind me honked, and I nearly dropped the phone. Then I cursed at the guy in the car behind me. Until I realized that the light had switched from red to green. Then I stepped on it and I swear the engine went ‘vroom-vroom!’ as I crossed the road. Now and then I glanced at my phone, but it remained quiet. Tanya didn’t call me back. And the longer the remained silence, the bigger the mistake seemed to get. It was what she was doing with that quiet time that worried me. What was she thinking? That I’d had some sort of secret meeting with Lily? That I had been ‘playing on two horses’ for the entirety of our relationship? Was that what she was imagining? Oh fuck, no! No, no, no, no! That was so not what was going on! At all! I would never do something like that! And she knew that. She HAD to know that! Tanya knew me better than that, right? 

I was driving like a lunatic. Taking silly risks and cutting the corners as I went. It was a mere miracle that I didn’t wreck. And it was also a very good thing that I didn’t meet a police car. If that had happened, I would have been pulled over. A hundred percent. And I would have ended up with a big-ass ticket to pay. Which probably wouldn’t have made my mood any better, but really, getting a ticket was about the last thing on my mind right now. All I cared about was Tanya. And fixing this mess I inadvertently had thrown us into. If only I had been smart enough to shove Lily away immediately and ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing. She had no goddamn right to hugging me like that! Or talk to me. Or like my pictures on Instagram. The only thing she was allowed to do, was staying the fuck away from me, and I hoped that she would do that from now on. Lily Cheng and I was over. Very, very over! 

“Just step on it, man!” I bellowed and felt tempted to honk at the car in front of me. God, why did people have to be so goddamn slow?! Was it really so hard for him to just step on it already?! I was actually in a hurry!

Finally, and with nerves that were more than a little damaged, I could pull up in front of Tanya’s big white house. Her Buick wasn’t standing parked out front, but that didn’t alarm me. She often parked her car round back to avoid too much attention. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt and stumbled out of the car. Rushed towards the door and nearly tripped in the fine gravel. I had to put a hand on the doorknob to steady myself. Then I pushed the doorknob down. I had halfway expected that the door would be locked, but to my surprise, it opened right away, and I almost stumbled for the second time as I more or less fell into the hallway. 

“Tanya?” I called. “Tanya!” 

No reply. I hadn’t expected one either. I slammed the door shut behind me and then ventured deeper into the house to find my missing girlfriend. First destination: kitchen. Empty. No Tanya. Second destination: living room. Empty. No Tanya. But she had definitely been here. There was a pair of jeans laying crumbled in the couch, and I was guessing that she had been home to change into something more comfortable before leaving to have coffee with me. Tanya wasn’t the tidiest person in the world. I picked up the jeans and slung them over one arm. Then I continued up the stairs. Maybe she was in the bathroom. Tanya liked the luxury of a hot bath after a stressful day, and this had to qualify as a stressful day. 

But the bathroom was empty. No Tanya. I got a sinking feeling in my body as I went towards the large master bedroom. The last place I could check. The last place where Tanya was likely to be. 

But the bedroom was empty. Well, except for Genevieve who was laying curled up on the bed and looked like a fluffy, white pillow. “Hey pretty girl,” I greeted. “Where’s Tanya, huh? Where’s your mommy? Have you seen her?”

Very appropriately, Genevieve hissed at me. 

“I know,” I sighed. “I screwed up. This is my fault. Jeez, why can’t you talk?” 

Genevieve hissed again. And I was running out of options. There weren’t any other rooms I could check. Because I doubted that Tanya was hiding in the pantry. That would be unlike her. 

“Mara?”

I yelped and almost jumped out of my skin when I heard Frank calling up the stairs. I wasn’t sure where the hell he had been hiding. In the pantry, perhaps. It didn’t take long before I heard him coming up the stairs. He poked his head inside the bedroom and smiled at me. He clearly didn’t know of the mess I accidentally had created for Tanya and myself. 

“Where’s Tanya?” I asked quickly. 

Frank looked at bit surprised at the almost aggressive question. “I don’t know,” he said. 

“But she’s been here, though, right?” I pressed. 

“She has,” Frank confirmed. “You just missed her, actually.”

“What?!” 

Now Frank looked genuinely confused. “Miss Goldstein came home about five minutes ago. She grabbed a few items from her closet and told me to stay with her cat for the rest of the night, and then she took off again. I asked if she needed Peter to driver her anywhere, but she rejected that.” 

My thoughts were going into overdrive. A few items from her closet. Frank enlisted to stay with Genevieve for the night. That sounded like... like she was running off to somewhere. Fuck! This wasn’t good! This wasn’t good at all. 

“And do you...” my voice threatened to break. “Have ANY idea where she went? Did she say something?”

“No, I’m afraid she didn’t,” Frank said, confusion turning into concern now. “And I don’t know enough about miss Goldstein’s habits yet to know where she is.”

“Right. Of course you don’t.” my voice sounded strained. Because Frank had a point. How could he possibly know where she hung out when she wasn’t in her house? He hadn’t worked for her long enough to know.”

“Mara, what’s going on? Should I be worried about miss Goldstein’s wellbeing?” Frank asked plainly.

“No,” I said quickly. “No, it’s fine. There’s just been a....miscommunication between us. But everything’s fine. It’s great.” 

“Very well,” he said, and I saw him squint slightly at me behind his half-moon shaped glasses. “I’ll get back to it then.”

“Okay,” I muttered and didn’t really pay attention as he left the bedroom and closed the door behind him. My thoughts were still spiraling. Where was Tanya? Where could she have gone? Could she... an idea popped into my head. Was it possible that she had gone back to my apartment? Yes. That could be a thing, right? Maybe she had prepared to have a big argument with me and didn’t want Frank to listen to it. Yeah. That could very well be the case here. 

It didn’t take me long to convince myself that Tanya obviously had gone back to my place and was waiting for me there, and in a matter of five seconds, I had found my phone and was now rapidly dialing Angie’s number. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I chanted as I brought the phone up to my ear and waited. “Come on, Ang! Pick up the goddamn-“

“Hey, Swanson, what’s up?”

“Angie!” I cried, relieved that SOMEONE picked up the phone when I called. 

“The one and only,” she chuckled, clearly both amused and surprised. “What’s up?”

“Is Tanya there? Did she get back to the apartment already?” I rambled. 

“Tanya?” Angie echoed with the same surprise as I had just heard in Frank’s voice. “Nope, she isn’t here. Should she be? I thought you guys were supposed to arrive together?” 

“We were, but there was a miscommunication between us, so I figured she might have...gone ahead,” I said half-heartedly. Now I actually felt sort of panicky. Tanya wasn’t here. She wasn’t at my place either. So where the hell was she then?! 

“A miscommunication?” Angie said and pulled me out of my thoughts. “What does that even mean? What happened, Mara? I can tell that something has happened. You sound all weird.” 

“Lily,” I said, nearly spitting out the name as though it was a curse. “Lily fucking happened!”

“Lily?! Okay, I’m confused. You gotta fill in the blanks for me.”

So I did. I quickly explained how Lily had surprised me at Starbucks. How she had almost pleaded me to give her five minutes of my time. How I had been idiotic enough to say yes. Her apology, and finally....

“She hugged me,” I said gravely. “She literally just went for it and hugged me. Too fucking tightly. And Tanya saw it through the window.” 

Angie made a loud noise in the other end. “You’re kidding me?! Please, tell me you’re kidding me!”

“Ha. I fucking wish I was!” I growled. “And I now I can’t get a hold of Tanya! She took off. I don’t know where she went. She won’t take my calls or reply to my messages. I don’t know where she is, and I can’t explain things to her if she won’t return my calls, and I’m worried that she’ll think all kinds of things! I mean, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t?! If I saw her hug an ex that tightly, I would jump the conclusion too, and-“

“Mara!” Angie interrupted. “Breathe, woman!”

I took a big gulp of air and then continued: “I don’t know what to do, Angie! It’s not like I can just drive out and find her, because I don’t fucking know where she went! Why the hell have I never asked her about these things?! Why have I never bothered to find out where she goes when she doesn’t feel her best?!” 

“You have to call her again,” Angie said simply. “And again. And then again. Hell, flood her answering machine if that what it takes! She has to pick up at some point.”

“And if she doesn’t come home?” I whispered and felt utterly pathetic. 

“Sweetie,” Angie said gently. “Of course she does. She can’t stay away from her own house forever. That’s ridiculous to think. She comes home. And when she does-“

“I’ll be prepared to throw myself on my knees if I need to,” I finished the sentence. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make her understand that the whole thing was a huge fucking mistake!”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Angie said. “It’ll work out, Mara.”

“It fucking has to,” I said simply. “I’ll call her again. See you later, Angie.”

“Yeah. Keep me updated on did,” she said seriously. 

I promised to do so. Then I ended the call and took a deep breath. I couldn’t keep my voice under control right now, so I started out with sending Tanya another text: ‘Where are u?! I’m worried!’. As soon as I had send the message, I dialed her number for something that felt like the millionth time that day. “Come on,” I begged whatever higher authority there was out there. “Make her decide to pick up her phone!”

‘Hey, this is Tanya. I can’t talk right now, but please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.’ 

“God damnit!” I yelled and winced when realizing that my outburst now had been immortalized on her answering machine. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I wasn’t talking to you, I was obviously talking about myself!” I rambled and rubbed a hand over my forehead. “Where are you? Can’t you just, like... please call me back? Like... Soon. Please? I’m at your place, and I’m not planning on going anywhere until you get back. You have to believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing going on with me and Lily! You know I’d never do something like that. I’ll see you soon. I hope.” I ended the call and rubbed a hand over my cheek. “Fucking hell!” I cursed. I so wished that there had been a way for me to go back in time and tell Lily to piss the hell off. I didn’t know how to fix this. I couldn’t do anything as long as Tanya wasn’t here and refusing to take my calls. Well, except wait until she returned. But the thought of that gave me an ulcer. I didn’t want her to be alone with her thoughts right now. I didn’t want her to have the time to convince herself of all thoughts of things. What a fucking mess.

“Where’s Tanya, huh?” I asked Genevieve again and sat down heavily next to her on the bed. “Where did she run off to?”

Genevieve didn’t even bother looking at me. She just kept sleeping. 

“I bet she told you,” I murmured and reached out so I could stroke Genevieve’s soft fur. “She always talks to you, doesn’t she?” lord knows Tanya loved her cat very, very much. I’d heard her have whole conversations with Genevieve. Which I had found to be pretty entertaining. But on this particular evening, I wished that Genevieve had been able to give me a response of sorts. “Why can’t you be a bit more like Lassie?” I sighed. Or just be a dog in general. Maybe I could have given her a piece of Tanya’s clothing and she would have been able to sniff her down or something. Speaking of clothing...... I glanced at Tanya’s closet and wondered what ‘items’ she had grabbed when she left. I could start to search her closet, but I already knew that it would be in vain. Tanya had too much clothes for me to be able to see what was there and what wasn’t. It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack or something. 

I sighed heavily. And waited. 

And waited. 

And then waited some more. 

Five minutes passed. 

Then ten. 

Several times I stood from the bed and walked over to the window in the hope to see her Buick pull up next to mine. But I was left disappointed every time I looked out of the window. 

Fifteen minutes passed and I felt tempted to leap back to the car and drive into the city of Los Angeles to try and find her, but I knew that would be an impossible task. And suppose she came home while I was out and about? That would be so bad. Then she could imagine that I had gone into the sunset with Lily or some shit. No, I had to be here. But waiting like this... god, this was freaking torture! I was literally sitting and couldn’t do anything. The look on Tanya’s face when she saw Lily hugging me kept popping up in my mind. That look of utter hurt and betrayal. She hadn’t even looked particularly angry. Just upset. Sad. Vulnerable. I shifted and glanced at my phone for the millionth time. No new messages. No missed calls. And the time informed me that I had been sitting here for fifteen minutes. 

Fifteen painful minutes with Genevieve as my only company. It was weird to hang out in Tanya’s bedroom without Tanya. I hadn’t done that a lot. Nor had I been in her house a lot without her. I knew that Frank probably was pottering around somewhere, but I still found the silence to be ominous. Creepy. This big white house was oddly soulless when Tanya wasn’t here. 

“When’s she coming home, Gen?” I asked the big white cat next to me. Of course Genevieve didn’t react. But my phone chimed, and I almost jumped because I thought it was Tanya who finally reached out. 

It wasn’t. It was Angie. ‘Anything yet?’ she asked, and I felt on the verge of tears of frustration when I texted back: ‘nope. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I’m waiting, and I’m freaking the hell out!!’

‘She’ll be back soon. I’m sure of it.’

I laughed bitterly to myself. ‘Yeah, I hope you’re right. I really, really hope you’re right!!!’

Another text from Angie rolled in. She expressed her sympathy and assured that Tanya would come home soon. I hoped that she was right, but I couldn’t really find the proper optimism. It felt like the longer Tanya stayed away, the worse things would get. 

When the time on my phone informed me that I had been sitting on the bed for twenty full minutes, I rose from my position and cursed a bit under my breath. My legs had fallen asleep in the meantime. I limped over to Tanya’s closet and opened it. Just to feel like I was at least doing SOMETHING. A quick peek in her closet didn’t tell me much. But it did tell me something. Tanya’s dark wig was missing.   
She had brought that with her, and for whatever reason, I found that to be a very bad sign. If she had brought the wig it meant that she had gone some place where she didn’t want to be recognized. But where? My imagination immediately ran amok in all kinds of scenarios. Some of them highly unlikely, but most of them scary. My paranoia was enough to make me grab my phone and dial Tanya’s number again. I sat down heavily next to Genevieve. I already knew that there would be no reply, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t terribly disappointed when I was greeted by: ‘Hey, this is Tanya. I can’t talk right now, but please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.’ 

This time I didn’t ramble. Instead I just said three words. “Come home, please.” Then I ended the call and send her the same text. But immediately after having done so, I heard a faint humming sound coming from Genevieve. I looked up from my phone and turned my attention to the cat. Had she started purring? At me? That was unlikely. 

“What are you doing, girl?” I asked her. “Are you dreaming?” I reached out and scratched behind her ear. She didn’t like that. She woke up and gave a complaining meow in return. Then she moved herself as far away from me as she could possibly get. And as she left her sleeping spot on the bed, I immediately noticed what she had been using as a ‘pillow’. A phone. Genevieve hadn’t been the one to make that ‘purring’ sound a second ago. That had been the phone. For one silly moment, I naively hoped that this phone belonged to Frank and not to Tanya, but when I picked it up and tapped the screen I could read: 4 missed calls from Mara. 4 new voicemail messages from Mara. Two unread texts from Mara.

The air whooshed out of me, and for some bizarre reason I felt on the verge of fucking laughing. Tanya hadn’t brought her phone. She had left it here instead. I had been calling a phone that had been laying only inches from me. Fuck. Me. Now I literally had absolutely no chance of getting in touch with her. At least not until she came back, and god knows when that would be?! 

I got a sick feeling in my stomach as I weighed Tanya’s phone in my hand. I was actually starting to feel a bit panicked now. Tanya had left without her phone, without Fred and without telling anyone where she was going. What the hell was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just dash out of the door and into the car to try and find her. Because I had no clue where to look for her. I didn’t know where Tanya went when she needed to be alone. I had never even asked...


	17. Fixing Things

Twenty minutes became twenty five. 

Then thirty. 

I felt like I was going to loose my shit. Several times I had been on my way outside and into my car to drive out and find her. But what good would that do? I didn’t know where she had gone off to. I couldn’t just drive through all of Los Angeles. And suppose she returned home while I was out looking for her? That would be so bad. I had to be here when she came back. Sooner or later she would come back, right? RIGHT? 

At some point I wandered downstairs and found Frank in the kitchen. He asked if I had heard something from Tanya. I had to tell him that I hadn’t. He frowned at that, looked a bit concerned. I did my best to smile to assure him that everything was just dandy. 

But everything was not dandy. Everything was not fucking dandy! Tanya had gone off to some unknown destination without her phone. And I kept obsessing over whether that had been a deliberate choice on her part, or an accident. It could have been a deliberate choice on her part. A bit like how she sometimes switched off Instagram notifications. Maybe this was a case of her turning off notifications from me. My stomach clenched painfully at the thought of that. 

Frank asked if he could fix me something for dinner, and for a second, I felt deeply confused. Dinner. Right. Dinner. People ate dinner around this time. But my appetite had gone down the drain long ago. 

I politely declined his offer and then I retreated to the upstairs department again. Grabbed my phone and texted Angie. Told her that Tanya left without her phone. Angie remained optimistic when she texted me back. She was positive that Tanya had simply forgotten her cellphone, but I was less optimistic about that. The more time passed, the more convinced I became of the opposite. That Tanya had left her phone at home on purpose. 

An hour crept by, and I sent Frank home. There was no point to him being here and watching Genevieve when I was. He wished me a good night and literally ordered me to reach out to him as soon as Tanya returned home. I promised him to do so. Now I was alone in the house. Well, Genevieve was here, but she was mostly sleeping. Not much company there. I found myself staring out of the window every so often, always hoping to see her car pull up, but the street remained empty and quiet. 

When the one hour turned into an hour and a half, I was seriously starting to debate what I was supposed to do if she didn’t come home tonight. Did I call Fred? Did I call the freaking police?! The moment I started thinking about the police was also the moment where I scolded myself. Of course she was gonna come home. It had only been an hour and a half. I had to hold my horses. 

But doing so became increasingly harder when the hour and a half turned into two. Two freaking hours. Tanya had been gone for two hours. Which didn’t sound like a lot, but if you had been sitting on your freaking hands and done nothing but waiting for those two hours, it was freaking hell on earth!

“God, how am I supposed to fix this if I can’t get a hold of you?!” I said exasperated to the quiet house. I knew that I was definitely not entitled to be annoyed or upset at Tanya. I was the one who had completely screwed up by freezing like an idiot instead of pushing my ex away like I should have, but my concern made me feel both upset and slightly annoyed at Tanya. Where was she? What was she doing? Why was she wearing her wig? The theories were flying around in my head, and once or twice the thought about the ‘sex dungeon’ popped up in my head before I firmly banished it. Of course she wasn’t there. I refused to believe that. No. She couldn’t be. 

Two and a half hours later, I crept downstairs and opened the fridge. Made a sandwich for myself and treated Genevieve to some of that ridiculously expensive salmon Tanya always fed her. Spoiled cat. 

Genevieve meowed at me as I sat the plate down in front of her. 

“Not hungry?” I asked and crouched down to pet her. 

“Meow.”

“You miss Tanya?” I continued and was sure I saw Genevieve’s ears perk up as though she was a dog and not a cat. “Yeah, me too,” I murmured. “I really hope she’ll come home soon so we can talk about this. I really fucked up earlier.”

“Meow!”

“Yeah-yeah, I know. I was an idiot. You don’t have to tell me,” I sighed. “I’m going to fix this though, okay? As soon as she comes back, I’m gonna tell her that she got it all wrong. I’ll even throw myself on my knees if I have to.” 

Genevieve made another little meow sound. 

“She’ll come home soon,” I said firmly. “I’m sure of it. She would never leave you for a long time. Don’t you worry about a thing, Gen.”

To my utmost surprise, Genevieve began slinking around my legs in that manner cats always do when they like you. I chuckled a little. “Are you seriously trying to comfort me? Thanks, Gen. You haven’t done that before.”

Genevieve purred like the good little cat she was. Rubbed her head against my ankle again. 

When I was done eating, I went back upstairs to Tanya’s bedroom. I tried switching on the television, but I couldn’t really concentrate, so I ended up muting it and stare aimlessly at the silent pictures flickering across the screen. Genevieve had clearly decided that I was worse for wear, because she came into the bedroom, jumped up in bed and curled up next to me. I absentmindedly stroked her soft fur. Right now she was the closest thing I had to Tanya, and unless I was desperate enough to take one of Tanya’s shirts from the closet and hug that instead, I was going to appreciate Genevieve. 

We waited. Genevieve and I waited. Genevieve moved around and ended up laying curled on my chest. She was choking me a little bit, but I couldn’t bring myself to move her. Even if my back was starting to go stiff because of the awkward position I was laying in. 

The sky darkened, and I texted Angie again. Told her that I was on the brink of filling out a missing person’s report. Angie did her best to comfort me. She was still convinced that Tanya would be home soon. But my hope was dwindling like the light outside. I had a nasty feeling that Tanya would not be coming home tonight. She was gonna stay out all night. But stay where? I doubted she was going to sleep in her car. That was something I could have done, but Tanya wasn’t that type. And the backseat was too small. But then what? A hotel? Was I supposed to call every single hotel in the area? I could do that. I could also show up at every single one of them and ask for Tanya. Or Tammie. If she was wearing her wig, she was probably Tammie and not Tanya. I puffed out air. God, where was she? Why had I never asked her where she went when she needed a break from everything? 

“Fuck this!” I hissed, and felt Genevieve stiffen against my chest for a second. “Oh. Sorry, kitty-cat,” I amended and scratched behind her ear to make up for it. Promise.”

Genevieve relaxed again. Started purring. Oh, if only things had been so easy. I doubted Tanya would start to purr if I scratched behind her ear. It would take so much more to fix this mess I had made. 

Because this was my fault. Well, it was Lily’s too, but mostly mine. I was the one who had fucked up. I was the one who had made Tanya run away. Like she had run away from Montana and her parents when she was only seventeen. My throat felt oddly tight, and I tried to clear it a bit. It didn’t help much. 

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock. Another hour passed. And another. I found myself looking at and refreshing various online magazines. If Tanya was out in Los Angeles somewhere, maybe someone had seen her. But there was no result, and I was starting to feel really exhausted. My body was getting heavy, and my eyelids were drooping, and I tried not to surrender to the feeling, because how could I even THINK about sleeping right now? How... could I even think...of....sleeping.......

Slam!

The sound made me sit bold upright in bed. Genevieve tumbled off my chest and hissed insulted at me. But this time I didn’t apologize to her. I was much to confused for that. I’d dreamed. Unpleasant dreams. Muddled dreams. It hadn’t been the kind of comfortable sleep I had experienced lately. Not the good kind that left sleeping marks on your face. When had I even fallen asleep? I rubbed my eyes and scrambled after my phone. Ended up grabbing Tanya’s instead, but that didn’t matter. I tapped the screen once and gaped. It was 03:15 in the morning. Man, the exhaustion had really knocked me out. And I had even sworn to myself that I wouldn’t fall asleep. The television was still switched on. Some kind of mind-numbing commercial for a product I didn’t understand was flashing across the screen. I grabbed the remote and switched the television off in an attempt to clear my muddled brain. 

Then I remembered the slamming sound I’d heard a moment ago. Either Tanya’s place was in the middle of getting robbed, or....

Genevieve hopped off the bed and began scratching on the bedroom door until I opened it for her. She immediately disappeared down the hallway and towards the stairs. I knew that because I could hear her make that high-pitched meow sound she always made when she was happy. 

“Where’s my little girl? Where’s my princess?” 

Genevieve answered with a happy “meow!” and I exhaled for what felt like the first time in hours. Tanya was home. At last. She was here. Relief flooded me, and for a moment I could barely stand on my legs. I listened as Tanya went ‘there she is!’ and greeted her beloved cat. I could hear Genevieve purr all the way up here. Tanya had probably picked her up. I soaked up the relief for just a little while longer and listened as Tanya walked back and forward downstairs and talked to her cat. She clearly thought that she was alone. She was talking a lot. I didn’t even know that Tanya talked to herself when she was on her own. Where the hell had she been until 03:15 in the morning?! Where COULD you even be until three fifteen in the morning? I had many suggestions, and every last one of them were nausea-inducing. I heard the sound of the fridge being opened, and it was like that sound woke me from my trance. My legs finally started working again, and I quietly left the bedroom. Moved down the hallway towards the staircase. I could see the light coming from the kitchen. I could see Tanya. She was standing with her back to me, turned towards the kitchen table and clearly in the middle of making something to eat. Her brown wig was laying abandoned on the little shelf next to the fridge. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and if it hadn’t been for her striking blonde hair, she would have looked completely anonymous. She hadn’t heard me coming down the stairs. She was still talking. To Genevieve and to herself. Clearly debating whether she wanted ice cream or not. 

I crept further down the staircase without really knowing why I was being quiet. It wasn’t like I was planning on creeping up behind Tanya and yelling ‘surprise!’ or something. Now was definitely not the time for kidding around. There is a special step on the staircase in Tanya’s house. One that creaked terribly when being stepped on. It always annoyed Tanya, and she always scolded me for walking too loudly. I never walked that loudly. I didn’t tonight either. But the step still creaked when my foot connected with it. 

Tanya immediately turned around, and her features instantly darkened. It was like coming face to face with the Tanya Goldstein I’d met at the hotel for the first time. Hell, it was like coming face to face with an ice queen.

She spoke first. “Urgh,” she said. It sounded more like a sigh than anything else. “What are YOU doing here?” that was definitely a growl. Or a snarl. The ice queen was snarling at me. I should have been terrified, but my dreams had been terrible. I’d had nightmares about Tanya in various dangerous situations, and seeing her unharmed, not a scratch on her made me feel almost angry with relief. My tone was reflecting just how concerned I had been when I said: “where the hell have you been?!”

Oops. Wrong approach. Definitely wrong approach. Once again, I had managed to screw up spectacularly. If Tanya’s expression had been frosty before, it was chillingly cold now. Anyone smarter than me would definitely have backed off by now. “Oh, fuck off,” she hissed and folded her arms across her chest. 

Ouch. Double ouch. That stung, but I willingly took the blow. I couldn’t blame her for lashing out. My approach had been more than clumsy. “I’m sorry,” I amended. “But I’ve been so worried about you!”

“Touching. The door is right there. Bye-bye,” she said flatly and would probably have throttled right past me up the stairs if I hadn’t moved to stand in front of her and thereby prevented her. 

“Nope, not bye-bye,” I said determined. “We have to talk!”

“Oh, we do, do we?” she spat. “Because you’re so worried where I’ve been? Worried that I’ve been out cozying up to my ex? Oh wait-“ she snapped her fingers loudly. “That was you doing that. Not me.   
Oops my mistake. How silly of me.” her voice was full of ice cold sarcasm as she laughed, and that momentarily threw me off completely. Long enough for her to push past me and stomp up the stairs. 

I woke from my trance once more and stumbled after her up the stairs. “Tanya, wait! Please!”

“Piss off, Mara!” she snarled. “I’m done! We’re done!”

“Like hell we’re not!” I bellowed. We had made it to the hallway now. Tanya walked into her bedroom and slammed the door after her, but I was right behind her, and she hadn’t even been in there for ten seconds before I came tumbling after her. 

“Been sleeping the sleep of the innocent, have you?” Tanya asked, still with ice cold sarcasm as she glanced at the unmade bed. “How nice for you.” As she spoke, she opened her closet and hauled one of her nightgowns out. The raspberry one with the thin straps. One of my favorites. She pulled her t-shirt over her head and threw it inside her closet. 

“I AM innocent!” I pleaded and a small part of me thought that it wasn’t fair that she was standing in her bra right now. That always made it difficult for me to focus, and tonight focusing was more important than ever. I had to fix this!

She snorted. “Right. Of course you are. And I’m the queen of England, how about that?” 

She was using all the defensive methods right now. Sarcasm. Snark. And most likely the fact that she was shirtless. I forced myself to wait until she had taken off the bra or bikini or whatever the hell it was that she was wearing, and had put on the nightgown. She began wrestling with her jeans, but she clearly had no problem with multitasking: “why are you still standing there?!” she bellowed while tugging the jeans down her legs. “The hell do you want?!” 

“To talk to you!” I said quickly. “To explain that what you saw isn’t what happened...” 

She raised an eyebrow, and I couldn’t blame her. The words coming out of my mouth sounded like a big fucking cliché. “Do you take me for an idiot?” she asked plainly and stepped out of her jeans. 

“No! God no!” Jesus, I was literally the worst at apologizing! “That while it looked like it was something, it wasn’t,” I quickly amended. “You got it horrendously wrong.”

“Right. Is that page eight or nine in the Cheater’s Guide to Getting Away with it?!” 

“I haven’t cheated on you!” I yelled, and Genevieve began hissing in the corner. She didn’t like when I was shouting, but right now I didn’t care. “I would never cheat on you!”

Tanya said nothing. She just folded her arms across her chest and glared at me. I could still see the hurt and betrayal in her green eyes. She didn’t trust me. I took advantage of her moment of silence and shuffled towards her. I didn’t dare touch her, though. Not yet. “She hugged me!” I said earnestly. “Lily was the one to hug me! She hugged me, and I froze because I literally did not see the hug coming at all! I didn’t see her coming! I had no idea she would be there, but suddenly she was, and she was full of crap and wanted to talk, and I had no idea how to tell her to piss off! But that’s obviously completely my fault! Totally!”

Tanya still didn’t say anything. 

I took another step towards my angry girlfriend. “She hugged me because I for whatever reason forgave her for what she did, and-“

“-And now you’re getting back together,” Tanya roughly finished the sentence. “You’ve suddenly remembered how much you have in common with her and how happy you were together. Isn’t that where this is going?” her voice broke and as to make up for that, she tilted her chin upwards. Like she was trying to stay haughty and not break down. 

“Fuck, no!” I exclaimed. “Haven’t you been listening to a word I just said, Goldstein? I don’t give a shit about Lily!” 

She scoffed, but I was pretty sure I saw her chin wobble just a little. 

“I’m not interested in Lily!” I said firmly. “I’m interested in YOU, god damnit!”

Tanya abruptly turned her back on me and walked over to the French doors that lead to the balcony. She cracked the door open like she did every night, but I was pretty sure she only chose it to do it now so I couldn’t see her face. “Why?” she asked dully and still with her back to me. 

“Why what?” I asked a bit confused. 

“Why are you interested in me when you can have her?!" she asked as she aggressively flung the balcony door all the way up. “Your ex. Sweet and lovely Lily who clearly is as cute as a button! Cute and petite and delicate! All the things that I am not! Why not just go back to her? She wants you back, I could see that! And you have all these wonderful memories with her-“

“I don’t care about the memories I had with Lily!” I shouted and interrupted her. “I care about making new ones with you! I haven’t been thinking about her a single time since I started dating you! I’m interested in YOU! I’m in LOVE with you! Hell, I fucking love-“ I stopped talking and yelped when she suddenly slammed the balcony door shut. That startled me. And Genevieve. The cat bolted out of the bedroom. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. My main focus was still on Tanya. I could see her shoulders lifting and falling too quickly. She wasn’t crying, I would have been able to hear that, but she was definitely affected. 

“I took too long to react when she hugged me, and for that I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I really, really am! I wish you hadn’t seen that!”

“Yeah, me too,” Tanya said tonelessly. 

NOW I felt bold enough to inch closer to her. I reached out and put my hands on her shoulders. “I haven’t been cheating on you,” I said and didn’t care about the pleading tone. “I wouldn’t do that. Never.   
You know that. You know me better than that!”

“Well, you’ve certainly been screwing with my head all evening!” she growled, but now she didn’t sound sarcastic. 

“I’m sorry,” I said earnestly. “Tanya, I’m sorry.” I gave her shoulders a little squeeze. “Please turn around?” 

She did, and finally, finally she met my gaze. She still looked insecure, but not suspicious anymore. 

“Hi,” I said gently. I wanted to kiss her, god, how I wanted to kiss her! But I wasn’t sure she was completely ready to be kissed yet. 

“Hi,” she said a bit stiffly. 

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I’m sorry for reacting too slowly.”

Tanya bit her lip. “Well, I suppose I should apologize for something too then.”

“No, you should not. You don’t have anything to apologize for.” 

“For overreacting?” she suggested. 

“I don’t think you overreacted. I actually think your reaction was pretty justifiable.” 

She sighed and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. “Seeing you and your ex together was just another reminder.”

“A reminder of what?” I asked gently as I sat down next to her. I put my hand over hers. 

“That you... have a past,” Tanya said strained. “Three whole years with a woman you loved.”

“Tanya that was then and this is now-“

“That is not the point!” she interrupted a tad sharply. “The point is that you HAD someone! You were in a healthy, functioning relationship with someone! You had what every normal adult should have while I only had one night stands and hook-ups that wasn’t going anywhere because I was still too fucking messed up to-“ she shook her head and didn’t finish the sentence. “I’m jealous,” she said instead. “I’m disgustingly, horribly jealous. And not just because of Lily personally. I’m jealous because you’ve had a long relationship with memories, good and bad, and I haven’t. So. There’s that.” 

I gently moved my hand up to her cheek. She didn’t swat it away. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry you’ve never had that until now.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s not exactly your fault, is it?” she said tightly. 

I carefully brushed my thumb over her cheekbone. “Maybe not directly,” I said softly. “But something I did reminded you of it, so in way it is my fault. Indirectly.” 

Tanya said nothing. But she didn’t push me away either. I leaned in and nuzzled my nose against the side of her neck. “I’m sorry,” I said. Now I wasn’t just apologizing for having been too slow to push my obnoxious ex away. But for everything, really. Maybe I was even trying to apologize for what her parents had done to her, I wasn’t sure. I just knew that I was apologizing. And I also knew that I was forgiven. I could feel it. I carefully brushed my lips against the side of her neck, and she shivered slightly. “I’m sorry I told you to fuck off,” she said quietly. 

I chuckled warmly against her neck. “When don’t you, Goldstein?”

She laughed. Thank god. Then she turned her head and grasped my chin. I looked up at her. She looked uncharacteristically serious. Her index finger landed on my top lip and she slowly began tracing it.   
When she reached the middle, I automatically puckered up and kissed her finger. Simply because I could. That elicited another little chuckle from her. She moved her finger away from my lip and began running her fingers through my unruly hair instead. “Is this the part where we kiss and make up?” she asked simply. 

I smiled widely at her. “Yeah. I think it is.” 

“Well then.” she leaned in and captured my lips in a soft, sweet, and surprisingly tender kiss. 

It worked like magic, really. All my anxiety completely away. The knot in my stomach liquified. Everything was okay now. The relief flooded me as I brought a hand up to cup her cheek. Tanya was back. She was right here. I hadn’t lost her. We were okay. 

After a moment, Tanya broke the kiss and pulled away slightly. “My head is a mess,” she said simply. 

I knew that Tanya’s thoughts sometimes had the tendency to spiral round and round in her head. “What can I do to help?” I asked. 

Tanya looked at me up and down. Tilted her head. “Maybe you’d like to make some new memories with me?” now her voice was low and husky. “Even though I’m terribly jealous and a drama queen who runs away instead of-“

I interrupted her by kissing her again. And then perched myself in her lap. I didn’t care that she was jealous. Or a drama queen. I just wanted her. Only her. Right now, more talking was overrated. Right now, both of us could benefit from some closeness. Some intimacy. I craved her. I had been starving for her for hours and hours. When I nudged her, she willingly let herself fall backwards onto the bed, and she didn’t try to flip the positions, so she was the one on top. She always did that, but not tonight. She was letting me be on top. I wasn’t completely sure why, and I forgot every last thought about it when she wrapped her legs around my waist. I rucked her nightgown up and tugged it off. It landed on the floor with a soft thud. I groaned. Skin to skin at last. Then her hands were on my body. She lifted my shirt and pulled it over my head. It didn’t take long before my bra followed suit, and I moaned in sheer relief when I felt her warm hands on my breasts. And when we broke apart to breathe, I was sure   
I heard her say ‘mine’. That was true. That I definitely was....

Sometimes later when we actually should be asleep, I was laying and drawing lazy circles on Tanya’s back. My fingers slipped slightly on her sweaty skin. “Can I know where you’ve been now?” I asked softly. 

“Malibu,” Tanya said a tad hoarsely. “Malibu beach. I went for a swim.”

“Oh,” I said. That explained the bikini looking thing she had been wearing when she changed her clothes. 

“And afterwards I went for a walk on the beach,” Tanya continued. “A very long walk. I needed to clear my head.” 

“I get it,” I murmured and kissed her bare shoulder. “Do you usually go to the beach when you need to think?”

“I actually prefer the countryside, but when I can’t find any country sides, the beach works too,” she half-joked. She rolled over in the bed so we were lying face to face. “But I think I’ve lost my phone on the beach during that walk, though.” 

Oh. So she hadn’t left the phone at home on purpose. That filled me with relief. “No-no,” I smiled. “Your phone is here. It’s tangled up somewhere in the sheets right now, but it’s here.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?” 

“Oh yeah. Why do you think I was panicking when you came home?”

“Oh.” Tanya actually laughed a little. “That does explain a lot. And that’s actually the reason why I was home so late. I was looking for my phone. I was sure I had brought it with me when I left. I thought I had lost it somewhere on the beach.” She scoffed. “I guess I forgot it here in the heat of the moment and only thought about bringing it. I guess I must have been confused.”

“Yeah...” I wiggled closer to her and slung my hip over her waist. “I guess you were.”

She lowered her hand and began to draw circles on my hip like she so often did when we were ‘stewing’ in our post-coital bliss. She was the one who used the word stewed. Not me. 

“Would it be too much to ask you not to see her again?” Tanya asked simply. 

I chuckled. “No, it would not. And don’t worry. I have absolutely no intention of seeing her again.” 

“Good.” She said plainly. 

I exhaled deeply and buried my face in the crook of her neck.

“But for the record, if we ever DO see her again, I’m going to kill her,” Tanya continued lowly and dangerously. 

I snickered. “And what are you gonna do to me then?”

“Easy. Tie you up.”

I spluttered. “Good to know, Goldstein. Good to know.” 

She didn’t respond, and a moment later I felt her hand going limp on my hip. She had fallen asleep. That was a good thing. She was tired and needed rest. 

So did I. My thoughts were getting muddled. It wouldn’t be long before I would let sleep take me. But before I did, I suddenly remembered something. 

Something I had almost confessed to her before we... kissed and made up. I felt the butterflies flicker behind my navel. I had almost told her that I loved her. But she had interrupted me. And I had a feeling that it had been on purpose. She wasn’t ready to be told yet. She wasn’t ready for that kind of confession yet. But that was okay. I could wait until she was ready. I wiggled closer to her. Wrapped my arms around her. She murmured something in her sleep, and I smiled as I closed my eyes. And while I waited for her to get ready, I could always think it. As much as I wanted to. And oh, how I wanted to....

To Be Continued....


	18. Quiet Day Interrupted

Things returned to normal, thank god. What could have turned into this really big fight blew over, and before I could blink, Tanya and I suddenly had been together for five months. Five months! It felt like it was only yesterday I had met her in that taxi in the dark. Time went by so quickly. Maybe because we both were so busy. There was plenty of things to do at the magazine, and Tanya had various meetings all the time. One day I could suddenly see her face blown up on a big poster on the back of a bus. Her beautiful, smiling face was advertising for a certain perfume, and I was in love enough to walk into the nearest department store and buy said perfume. When I told Tanya she laughed her head off, and with my permission she posted a picture of me holding up the perfume with the caption: ‘apparently, advertising works’. Her fans went crazy.

One weekend, my calendar was blank, and so was Tanya’s. For a very good reason. Because that was the weekend where Comic Con happened. Tanya and I drove to San Diego. In her own car. Fred followed closely behind in his own car, but Tanya refused to let him drive. And she also rejected being driven in one of his sleek, black cars. When the drive wasn’t longer, she could drive herself. 

Comic Con was huge and noisy and full of people, and I had never seen anything quite like it before. Kids with their parents, teenagers in groups, and adults. So many adults. Most of them were dressed up. As characters from various popular movies and televisions shows. I lost count of how many Harry Potter’s I met over this weekend. And Eleven’s. And Katniss’es. There was this guy dressed in a Spiderman costume who refused to say anything but quotes from the movies. Tanya laughed at that. 

And to top it off, I also met quite a few Celeste Bellamy’s. Yep, people were dressing up as Tanya’s television ‘alter ego’. It was literally the most surreal thing I had ever seen. Especially the girl who was about the same height as Tanya. Her hair, makeup and eyes were on point. She looked so much like Tanya it was almost scary. She even copied Celeste Bellamy’s facial expression. If I hadn’t been a big girl, I would totally have been weirded out by it. It was like meeting Tanya’s long lost twin. 

Tanya wasn’t weirded out. She had given the girl a big hug and insisted on a selfie. ‘Celeste’ had looked like she was on the brink of fainting when Tanya wrapped an arm around her for the picture. 

But that wasn’t the only picture Tanya took that weekend. She took many, many pictures. I was there for every single one of them. Saw every single fan who came to hug her. And I was of course there as well when she participated in the panel and answered questions along with Alexander. Most of them were of course about ‘Love Me Not’, Celeste’s story, would she survive the gunshot wound, etc. . Tanya of course couldn’t answer any of those questions. She just smiled mysteriously and said something teasing in response. The crowd loved that. 

There were also questions about Tanya’s private life. Of course there was. Couldn’t be avoided. Tanya answered those questions with grace and humor and made the crowd laugh again and again. It was a little hard to believe that this was her first Comic Con ever. She was a natural. She always knew exactly what to say and when.

And she was completely beat by the end of it. So tired she let me drive her precious Buick back to the hotel. As soon as we entered the hotel room, Tanya flopped down on the bed. And fell asleep. Just like that. She didn’t even bother to undress. She just conked out. That had amused me. I had found it cute, seeing the posh and refined actress Tanya Goldstein turn into a ‘normal’ twenty eight year old woman who’d had a long day. I had snuggled into her side and fallen asleep soon after. There had been something really special about that. It wasn’t always about sex. Sometimes it was simply about snuggling closer to her and breathing in the scent of her vanilla body lotion as I fell asleep. 

On the drive back from San Diego, we talked and joked and listened to music. Anything between Billie Holliday and Maroon 5. We were polar opposites when it came to music, but that didn’t matter. It was a great drive. We had lots of fun. 

Tanya and I had definitely grown closer over the past five months. It was strange, but somehow it felt like the argument between us months ago had strengthened the bond between us. We were slowly but steadily moving from ‘half-serious’ to ‘serious’. Angie’s terminology, not mine. That’s what she called it when your partner was around ‘twenty four seven’. And Tanya definitely was just that. Around twenty four seven. Seeing that she was ‘between jobs’ right now, she didn’t have much else to do with her time, so most of the time she gave me a ride to work in the morning. And came back to pick me up. We mostly hung out at my apartment. Tanya liked the apartment for some reason. She liked the old couch and my tiny bedroom. For reasons I didn’t quite understand. Why prefer my tiny apartment when she had a gigantic box of a house right smack down in the middle of Beverly Hills? I asked her about it, and she shrugged and didn’t really give an answer. But I got the feeling that she might be looking for a different place to live. She had lived in the house on Sunset Boulevard for around a year and a half, and she clearly didn’t feel quite at home there. I didn’t know where she’d rather live, but I would help her if she needed.

But where peace resided between Tanya and I, a war suddenly broke out between Angie and Cooper. During the months there had been more and more talk about Chicago. The ‘exchange of opinion’ turned into half-hushed phone calls between them. As far as I could hear, the sparks were flying between them, and not in the good way. And then they started fighting. Like, actually fighting. In a way I had never heard them fight before. Sure, they’ve argued before, every couple does now and then, but definitely not like this. Sometimes the apartment had turned into a ‘war-zone’ when I came home. 

Those were typically the evenings where I phoned Tanya and asked if I could crash at her place. The answer was always ‘yes, indeed. If you really don’t think there’s other options’. Very funny. Not. Angie always texted me late in the evening to apologize for the ‘drama’. I usually told her that she didn’t have to apologize, but I was actually worried about her and Cooper. And surprised that the Chicago thing was turning into a big fight between them. I hadn’t seen that coming at all. I hoped they would work it out. I couldn’t imagine them not being together. It had always been Angie and Cooper. A perfect couple that were so well-suited for one another. But the fight between them seemed nasty enough. I heard the word ‘Unreasonable’ a lot when they had one of their spats. ‘Selfish’ was another word I heard quite a lot. Those were crass words, and every time I heard them, I worried whether my friends would be able to come back from that. The argument, to briefly sum it up, consisted of this: Cooper wanted to move to Chicago with Angie. Angie wanted to stay in Los Angeles. She had absolutely no interest in uprooting her life to go Chicago. She didn’t know anyone in Chicago. No friends, no family. No job. Her yoga studio was here in Los Angeles. She had built her business from scratch and had worked up a very reliable clientele. But she would loose all of that if she moved to Chicago. So of course she didn’t want to leave Los Angeles, why was that so hard to believe? 

At least that was what she had yelled at the unfortunate Cooper. And I had to admit that I understood where she was coming from. Angie was running a rather successful yoga studio. Her clients loved her.   
And so did I. Honestly, I was terrified at the idea of losing her to Chicago. My best friend. My rock through and through. How was I supposed to cope without her? What would it be like to be on my own without her? I couldn’t imagine her not living in the apartment with me. That was how things were supposed to be. She was supposed to be there.

But at the same time I didn’t want her and Cooper to break up. I knew that Angie would be devastated if she lost Cooper. And so would he. It was a tricky dilemma. I was selfish enough to worry about what would happen if she moved out. I would have to move out too. Find a different place to live. I couldn’t imagine that either. 

But rather that than seeing my best friend frustrated and upset like she currently was..

On a slightly warm Thursday afternoon, I left Juicy Bits’ headquarter and found Tanya’s Buick on the parking lot as so many times before. I grinned from ear to ear as I strolled over to the car and wrenched the door to the passenger’s seat open. 

“Hi,” I said and smiled a tad too sappy. 

“Hello there,” Tanya said nonchalantly and looked up from her phone. “Long day?”

“A bit. You know what it’s like,” I replied as I climbed inside the car.

“No, I don’t. I’ve never worked on a magazine before,” Tanya said and adjusted the mirror so she could check on Genevieve in the backseat.

“Har, har, har. You know that’s not what I mean.” I rolled my eyes and was about to plop down on the seat, but at the very last minute, I noticed the big, white envelope occupying the space where I normally sat. 

“Be careful, Swanson,” Tanya said as she elegantly snatched the envelope and tossed it onto the backseat instead.

“What’s that?” I asked curiously as I leaned in and brushed a hello-kiss against her cheek. 

“Something confidential you’ll never know about,” Tanya teased and smiled. Most likely because of the kiss.

“It’s the manuscript for ‘Heiress’, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is, you bloody cheeky bugger,” Tanya joked. 

I laughed. Couldn’t help it. The movie was shot in an old castle in the southern England. British crew, British actors and actresses. British everything. So of course Tanya had to learn to do a British accent.   
And boy, she had worked hard on that for the past few months. And she was actually doing a pretty good job at sounding like she was British. Maybe I was biased, but as far as I could hear, she was pretty much nailing the dialect and tone and everything. Of course her British accent wasn’t perfect. It never would be. Because she was American and not British. But it was good enough for the big screen, so in my opinion, she was allowed to be at least a little bit impressed with herself. 

“How exciting,” I said with a grin. “You gonna rehearse lines tonight then?”

“Maybe. If your apartment isn’t a war zone again, that is.”

I grimaced. “Otherwise we’ll just head back to your place. Right?”

“Right,” Tanya confirmed with a slight chuckle. “So. Tell me what’s going on in celebrity-land today.”

“You should know that better than I,” I pointed out. 

She shrugged. “I’m not much of a celebrity these days.”

“Not true. You’ll always be a celebrity. In between jobs or not.”

Tanya chuckled a bit again and started the engine. “We need to stop somewhere so I can get a bag of chips- crisps- on the way.”

“Eileen’s been torturing you again?” I guessed. I knew that Tanya had seen her fitness instructor today.

“Oh yes,” Tanya said. “Damn her.”

“Poor Eileen,” I laughed. 

Tanya narrowed her green eyes at me. “Poor Eileen? What about me? I’m the one who has worked out most of the day! Don’t I deserve a bit of pity?!”

“You do,” I surrendered. 

“THANK you,” she said with that biting sarcasm I so cherished. 

“Perhaps it would be for the best if I examined the damage a little more... closely,” I said silkily.

“Oh?”

“Mhmm,” I drawled. “I mean, just to make sure all your muscles still works and all that. I think that’s pretty important. Don’t you?”

“Indeed I do,” Tanya said, clearly struggling to keep a straight face. “You’re on, Swanson.”

I smirked. I knew that she would say that.

“Oh, for fucks sake, man!” Tanya cursed as a car swerved out in front of us. “Why don’t you look in your bloody mirror, you dickhead!”

“That British accent was spot on.”

“Shut up,” Tanya grumbled, and once again I had to laugh. That British accent was sticking now. The way she said shut up sounded more like shu’ up. Ridiculously ‘refined’. But I definitely didn’t mind it.   
There was something terribly sexy about Tanya cursing ‘in British’. Totally posh yet totally dirty. 

“Potty mouth,” I teased. 

She was not impressed. “Do you want me to leave you on the street?” she asked. “Because I’ll do that.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure you would.”

“You don’t think I’m serious?” she asked lowly and threateningly. She even slowed down like she really was going to shove me out of the car. And she immediately paid for threatening me when the car   
behind us honked. 

“You shove it!” Tanya yelled. 

“You and your road rage,” I chuckled and reached over so I could squeeze her knee. “You are such a shitty driver, Goldstein.”

“I’m a great driver,” she claimed. “It’s the others who are shitty.”

“Right. Whatever you say.”

“You are just asking to be dumped on the roadside,” she muttered, and I cackled. She was awfully cute when she was grumpy. Todays fitness program had been hard, I didn’t doubt that. She deserved a bit of lovin’ later. The highlight of my day. If there was something I enjoyed, it was ending up in bed with Tanya. I never could get enough of that. Never could get enough of her. She shouted at the other drivers again, and I had to be totally whipped, because I even found that to be attractive...

The apartment was quiet when Tanya and I stepped inside. No raised voices or angry whispering anywhere. Angie had to be out somewhere. 

“Looks like you can rehearse lines as much as you want,” I said as I shrugged off my jacket. 

“Jolly good,” Tanya joked as she too wrestled off her jacket. She was wearing a blue wrap dress underneath. Very simple, but she still managed to make it look like a million bucks. 

I padded into the kitchen and opened the fridge. “You want anything?”

“No, I’m quite happy with these,” she replied and waved the bag of chips/crisps she had bought on her way here. 

“Are you gonna share those with me?”

She raised an eyebrow in that impeccable Hollywood fashion. “Why would I? As far as I’m concerned, you’re not the one who’s been working out all day.”

“No, but I am however the one who have been whipped by Ingrid!”

Tanya tilted her head and her green eyes twinkled with amusement. “Have you now? That sounds kind of dirty. Is there something going on about you and your boss that I should know of?”

“Urgh,” I said and grimaced when I got a startling image of Ingrid in my head. “Thank you for planting THAT in my head...” 

“You are most welcome, Ma-ra,” Tanya drawled. 

“I know that there’s that old saying about ‘don’t knock it till you try it’,” I continued and laughed. “But I think I’ll skip the offer this time.”

“Sensible,” Tanya praised. “Then I don’t have to tear your head off. I’m far too tired for that.” She elegantly sauntered past me into the living room with Genevieve trailing behind her. 

I grinned to myself as I poured a glass of orange juice. Tanya’s wooden-dry humor would never cease to amuse me. I grabbed the glass of orange juice and followed her. She had already curled up in one end of the couch. Genevieve was working as a very furry ‘feet warmer’, and there was barely enough room for me. I pouted when I told her that. 

“Then sit on the floor, dearest,” Tanya replied without taking her eyes off the task at hand. She was in the middle of tearing open the envelope containing the manuscript for ‘Heiress’. 

“Fucking rude,” I grumbled as I sat down. Not on the floor. But on the couch. Genevieve was not impressed when she saw me. Sometimes she liked me, and sometimes she didn’t. 

“Mmm,” Tanya said distractedly, seemingly unaware that I had just cursed at her. Now she was busy flicking through the manuscript. I could see her lips move as she silently read a few lines, undoubtedly to ‘test’ them as she always did. Then I saw her raise an eyebrow and wondered why she did that. Perhaps one of the scenes were difficult. Not raunchy. She always sucked in her cheeks in a certain way when she stumbled on a ‘love’ scene in the manuscript. 

I took a sip of my orange juice and observed as she combined two facial expressions at once. Sucked in her cheeks and lifted her eyebrows. That was a new one. 

“Violence or sex?” I asked and chuckled slightly. Had to be one of the two. But then again, she hadn’t gone ‘my-my’ like she often did when she read a violent scene. 

“Both,” she said, still with her eyes glued to the manuscript. 

“Both?” I echoed, now raising my own eyebrows. “What does that mean?”

“’Ava is successful in seducing the traitorous Owen Carlyle,’” Tanya read to me. “’When Owen is lost in the throes of passion, Ava takes a knife and stabs him.’” 

I was pretty sure my eyes grew a size or two. “Are you serious?”

“Oh yes,” Tanya smirked. “I get to kill someone in the middle of sex. That sounds like it’s going to be a lot of fun.”

“Now there’s a sentence everyone is just DYING to hear their girlfriend say,” I muttered and shivered. 

Tanya laughed and gave my free hand a little squeeze. “I meant the acting, darling. You’re quite safe. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word ‘fun’. I should have said ‘challenging in the good way’. I’ve never tried to murder someone on film.”

“Can I please be on set that day?” I begged. “Please? I really wanna be there for that!”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Tanya promised.

“Awesome! You need any help with that?” I asked and nodded towards the manuscript in her hand.

“Maybe in a moment. Man, I am one vengeful bitch!” she said and clicked her tongue as she flipped a few pages forward in the manuscript. “This is gonna be very interesting.”

I stretched my neck slightly in an attempt to peek at the manuscript. “Does Ava really have black hair?”

“Yes, my dearest. She does. Her hair is mentioned as one of her most striking features. The thing that attracts all the men.”

I snorted. “That will be something to get used to.” 

“Perhaps I can wear a wig instead of dying my hair.”

“Mm, maybe. But I’m pretty sure you’d look bomb with dark hair.”

Tanya flashed me a grin. “You think so?”

“Oh yeah,” I smirked. “I really do. In fact I think you’d look absolutely-“ the rest of the sentence got lost when I suddenly heard sounds coming from Angie’s room. No, not just sounds. Moaning. And not   
the moans that comes from someone who’s in pain.

Tanya looked up from her manuscript and raised an eyebrow. 

“Please tell me we’re not about to hear that,” I begged. 

As on cue, a moan erupted from the bedroom. Cooper. Most definitely. I could determine that because I had been unfortunate enough to overhear this a few times prior. 

“Sounds to me like they’re in the middle of making up,” Tanya said dully and grimaced when another moan erupted from the bedroom. “Loudly,” she added. 

“Urghhh,” I groaned and childishly covered my ears. “Whyyyy?!”

“They don’t know we’re here,” Tanya said simply, eyes on her manuscript again. “Otherwise they probably wouldn’t-“

“Oh, fuck!” Angie hissed in the bedroom. Cooper moaned again. 

“Do that,” Tanya finished her sentence, eyebrow shooting towards her hairline. “Damn.”

“They’ll probably stop in a moment,” I said hopefully and wondered how the heck Angie and Cooper hadn’t heard that Tanya and I were in the apartment. Maybe they had fallen asleep. Maybe this was round two or something. 

Cooper grunted again, and I felt torn between laughter and horrification. 

“Convincing,” Tanya said surprisingly nonplussed. “Please tell me we don’t sound like that.”

“We sound better,” I assured her. “Way better.”

“Good.”

Angie moaned again. Louder this time. And Cooper followed suit a second later. Grunted something that sounded like ‘fuck, Angie!’. I heard Angie’s old bed creak. 

Tanya didn’t look up from her manuscript, but she did clear her throat a bit too loudly to be casual. Even Genevieve awoke from her slumber and looked up. And I’d had enough. If Angie and Cooper were in the middle of patching up things, it was wonderful, and if they were in the middle of having angry breakup sex, it was probably required. But not right now, damnit! I did not have the desire to scrub my brain with bleach for the rest of my life. I rose from the couch and stomped into the hallway. “Keep it down!” I bellowed. “You’re not home alone anymore. And you’re scaring Tanya!”

“Yes,” Tanya laughed from the living room. “I’m positively traumatized.”

I heard a bit of shuffling, and then a quiet ‘oh shit’, from Cooper and a louder ‘Sorry!” from Angie. 

“Apology not accepted,” I muttered as I retreated from the hallway and back into the living room. “It’s bad enough with Mr. and Mrs. Smith upstairs going at it every Wednesday. All I want is a quiet day, damnit!”

Tanya snorted as she looked up from her manuscript once more. “Well, if it’s quietness you’re looking for, I might have a suggestion, miss Swanson.”

“And what might that be?” I asked, partially expecting some ‘funny’ answer.

But Tanya remained ever so serious as she said: “how would you feel about heading up to the cabin next weekend?”

“To Smoky Mountains?” I asked, grinning and unable to keep my excitement contained. 

“Yes,” Tanya shrugged. “It is very remote. You’ll get all the quietness you’re looking for there.” 

“Deal,” I said and felt my belly do a slight flipflop. “That sounds perfect.”

“Mmm, just you and me up in the mountains, all alone,” Tanya drawled in that particular husky voice she only ever used if we were alone. 

“Whatever are we gonna do all the way up there?” I played along, barely succeeding in containing my amusement. “All cut off from everyone...”

“Hopefully something that involves your clothes scattered on the floor. And melting chocolate.” 

“Chocolate?” I echoed and lifted an eyebrow. This conversation was getting more and more interesting.

“Mmmm,” Tanya drawled. 

“That sounds kinda messy, Goldstein.”

“Only if done the right way,” she teased. “And believe me, it will be...”

“Okay, now you’re just teasing.”

“Yes,” she said and looked unreasonable proud. “I am.”

“You’re such a flirt,” I accused and gave her a slight nudge. 

Once again, she looked ridiculously proud of herself, and I rolled my eyes before glancing towards the hallway and the door to Angie’s room. There was quiet now. No yelling or cursing. Or moaning. Maybe they had fallen asleep again. “Do you think this means that Angie will move to Chicago with Cooper?” I asked quietly. 

“I don’t know,” she replied and tossed the manuscript onto the coffee table. “But it definitely sounded like they’ve... buried the hatchet.”

“Oh, that’s gross!” I complained and made a face. “That was an awful euphemism!”

“Don’t be such a baby.”

“I am not!” I protested. “But it was a fucking awful euphemism!”

Tanya just shrugged. 

I grew serious again and sighed. “I think this could mean that Angie is going to Chicago with him.”

Tanya reached out and squeezed my hand with surprising gentleness. “It’s not on the other side of the world, darling. I’m sure that if she really is moving away, you and she will see each other very, very   
often.”

“No, I know,” I said quickly. “We’d be in contact all the time, but... I would just be pretty screwed if she moved out. With the apartment and all, I mean.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Uhhh, yes I would,” I snorted. “I don’t have enough money to pay full rent to live here on my own. I’d have to find another place.”

“How about mine?” Tanya asked lightly and without batting an eye.

I stared at her and tried my best to process what she had just said. I was failing. “Uhh...” I said lamely. 

“Close your mouth,” Tanya said impatiently. “And stop staring at me like I’m some freakshow.”

I closed my mouth. And stopped staring at her like she was a ‘freakshow’. “Did you just... did you just suggest that we move in together?!”

“And since when is that rewarded with rude staring?” Tanya scoffed. “It was just a suggestion. Stop staring at me like I’m some walking lesbian cliché!”

“I’m not!” I said immediately. “Seriously, I’m not! I was just surprised, that’s all.” 

“And you think it’s a stupid suggestion,” she said flatly. 

“No, I don’t,” I said and shuffled closer to her on the couch. “I think it’s a great suggestion. I just didn’t... expect you to be, uhmm... there yet.”

“I don’t even know where ‘there’ is, Mara,” Tanya said with a slight, dark chuckle. “But I do know that we’ve been seeing each other for a while now, and it feels appropriate to take things further. But if you   
don’t feel the same-“

“I do,” I interrupted her. “Very much so. I just said it was a great suggestion, didn’t I?” 

“Well, good. That’s settled then,” she said simply. “Excellent.” 

But I wasn’t quite done yet. I inched my way closer to her until my thigh was touching hers. Then I gave her a slight nudge. “Soooo, if Angie really does decide to move to Chicago with Cooper, I don’t have to panic about moving out?”

“No, you don’t.”

“I’d have a new place to live in?”

“Yes, you would.”

“Your place,” I grinned. “With YOU.”

“And Genevieve,” she reminded me. 

“Of course,” I said mock-seriously. “She’ll always come first, I know that.”

“You are absolutely right.” 

I couldn’t help myself any longer. I leaned in and kissed her cheek. Her jaw. The corner of her mouth. She had asked me to move in. In true, untraditional Tanya Goldstein-style. She wanted me to live with her. 

“I’m reading my manuscript,” Tanya said. 

“Yeah, and I can see how busy you are,” I murmured as I grasped her chin and turned her head so I could kiss her fully on the mouth. 

Tanya returned the kiss. Her arms wrapped around my upper body and pulled me closer. I groaned into her mouth. Didn’t care about Angie and Cooper potentially hearing it. If they could have sex in the middle of the day, I could kiss my girlfriend a tad too indecently if I wanted to. In a flash of inspiration, I wiggled and tugged Tanya down with me as I went. I ended up on my back on the couch with Tanya on top of me. Not a bad position to be in at all. I smirked up at her. 

“I’m not doing it with you on a couch, Swanson,” she drawled. 

“Not suggesting that,” I assured. 

“At least not here,” she continued huskily. “Perhaps when we’re in the cabin...” she dipped down and kissed me again, and one of her blonde locks brushed against my cheek and tickled me. I found myself giggling slightly into the kiss. Then I cupped her cheeks softly. I wasn’t quite sure if it was her or me who deepened the kiss, but I did know that I absolutely loved it. Kissing Tanya always left me breathless. And flushed all over. Five months into the relationship, and she still made me feel like putty. Had this been a marriage, we would definitely be in the honeymoon-phase still. And sometimes I doubted that there ever would be another phase. Sometimes it felt like it would always be like this. Like there would never be a point in time where I was less crazy about her. It seemed laughable, really. 

To imagine that ‘everyday life’ would take over at some point. I simply refused to believe that that was even possible. Maybe that happened to other couples, but not to Tanya and I. The thing between us would always be like dynamite. Sparks would always be flying. Ten years from now, and my reaction to her kiss would be exactly like this one. I’d still gasp into her mouth. Still moan and tremble when she touched me. 

Tanya gently bit my bottom lip, and I let out another soft moan. It wouldn’t take long before I reached that state where I nearly begged her to come into the bedroom with me. Other people in the apartment or not. Right now I didn’t care. And clearly, neither did she. She might have claimed that she wouldn’t do this with me on the couch here, but if I didn’t know any better, I would say that she was coming fucking close to doing ‘this’ with me on the couch! My hands slipped from her cheeks and to her back. I scratched my blunt nails up and down her back in the way I knew drove her crazy, and it didn’t take long before I heard her hiss into my mouth. 

We could probably have continued. Could probably have taken things further, meaning into the bedroom, but we were interrupted mid-kiss by the obnoxious sound of Tanya’s phone going off. 

I groaned, and so did she. My body protested when she lifted herself off of me. “God damnit,” I mumbled a tad hoarsely. “Whyyyyy?” 

“Don’t ask me,” Tanya sighed. “I didn’t ask my phone to bother us.” She grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a sitting position. 

“Thanks,” I snorted. “Who is that even?!”

“I don’t know,” she replied as she lazily reached for the phone laying on the coffee table. “But if it’s my agent interrupting us, I will become a murderer off-screen.” 

I laughed. “Whatever you say, Ava. You better answer it. It’s probably some ridiculously important person trying to get in touch with the famous Tanya Goldstein.”

“Side-splitting,” Tanya said flatly and with a rather brilliant British accent as she grabbed the phone. She mock complained over the interruption under her breath, but when she turned the phone, so the screen was upwards, she suddenly stopped joking around and went quiet. 

“What?” I asked and brought a hand up to pat my hair back to its prior flat state. 

“This is interesting,” Tanya said tonelessly. 

“Why?” I asked and raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

“Because it’s Elizabeth calling me,” Tanya said. Still sounding completely toneless. 

“Your mom?!” it bursted out of me when I finally realized where I had heard that name before. It couldn’t be anyone else. Tanya had never mentioned another Elizabeth. It had to be a specific Elizabeth.   
Otherwise Tanya wouldn’t have looked like that. She wouldn’t have looked so guarded and hesitant all the sudden. Not unless there was a reason. 

Tanya said nothing. She just nodded once.


	19. Family Business

“Are you gonna answer it?” I asked softly. 

Tanya shifted, clearly uncomfortable and glanced at the phone. “And tell her what, exactly? ‘Hello, Elizabeth. Yes, I’m still a lesbian, but thanks for checking’?!”

“Tanya,” I said gently because she was biting at me when I didn’t really deserve it. 

She immediately deflated. “I’m sorry. It’s not you. Of course it’s not. It’s just-“ she rubbed a hand over her pretty face. “It’s been seven months since I last spoke to them. Last time I did, Matthew informed me that I was a ‘dyke’ and that ‘dykes weren’t welcome’ in his house, so I really don’t see why Elizabeth would call me. They seemed pretty done with me. And vice versa.” 

The phone stopped ringing. 

“Oh, good,” Tanya said with faux lightness to her voice. “Guess I don’t have to deal with it anyway. Excellent. Now, where were we?” 

“I dunno,” I said and prayed my smile wasn’t forced. “I’m pretty sure we were kissing.” If Tanya wanted to pretend that her- that ELIZABETH hadn’t just called her, then so be it.

“Yes, I think you’re absolutely right about that,” Tanya smirked. “Wanna continue, Swanson?”

“Always,” I assured her. And that was definitely not forced. Kissing Tanya was something I wanted to do no matter what. 

She grinned at me, wiggled closer, and then she was kissing me again. Soon she was on top of me. Her blonde hair tickled my cheeks, and I placed my hands on her lower back. Her blue dress was so thin, I was sure she would be able to feel the warmth from my hands seep through it. And that was the intention. She exhaled softly into my mouth. You couldn’t sense that she had been guarded and on edge only a few seconds ago. Tanya was a master of adapting. And hiding her feelings to some degree. But if this was what she needed right now, I was more than happy to give it to her. I was more than happy to help her. In anyway she needed. 

I skated my hands up and down her back and earned myself a soft little moan. We should take this into the bedroom. We should definitely take this into the bedroom. We would be more comfortable. And there wouldn’t be the risk of Angie or Cooper walking in on us. 

Then Tanya’s phone started ringing again. 

We stopped kissing and Tanya glanced at her phone. So did I. And I could see that it was the same number again. 

Tanya let out a sigh. “What the fuck does she want?”

“I don’t know,” I said softly. “But she’s clearly not giving up.” 

“No, apparently not,” Tanya said flatly and reached out to grab her phone. She slid a finger across the screen and rejected the call. “There. All gone.”

“Do you really think that’s the best way?” I asked, trying to be as delicate as possible.

“Yes,” Tanya said shortly. “I really do.” 

“You don’t think that she’ll-“

The phone went off again. 

“Keep calling you,” I half-heartedly finished the sentence. 

Tanya eyed the phone with raised eyebrows. “This is interesting.” 

“She hasn’t done this before?” I guessed. 

“No. Never. And frankly, I don’t see why she’s doing it now. I haven’t spoken to her in ages, and the last time I spoke to Matthew, he was very clear about how he and Elizabeth had no interest in talking to me because I had ‘shamed them’.” Tanya said all of this completely dully like she was reading aloud from a book and not describing a fight she’d had with her parents. 

And the phone kept ringing and ringing. 

“You think it could be important?” Tanya asked sarcastically and rolled her green eyes. 

“It sounds like it could be,” I murmured. “But you obviously don’t have to pick up if you don’t want to. I’d completely understand that.”

Tanya looked at her phone. It had stopped ringing briefly only to start again. Tanya looked mildly confused and slightly intrigued. And guarded. Very, very guarded indeed. She pursed her pretty lips and even frowned slightly. A tiny wrinkle appeared between her green eyes, and I reached up to first cup her jaw and then gently smoothening out the wrinkle between her eyes. Tanya flinched for a second like she had forgotten that I was there. 

“You don’t have to pick up,” I reminded her. “It’s totally your choice, Tanya.”

She scoffed quietly and rolled her eyes. “I think I’m interested in knowing why the homophobic parent wants to talk to her gay daughter all the sudden. This is unlike Elizabeth. Maybe the farm burned down or something.” 

Undoubtedly meant as a joke, but I wasn’t laughing. Nor was she. The only sound cutting through the moment of silence between us was the sound of Tanya’s phone ringing. For whatever reason, the sound seemed to be getting louder and louder. I knew that it wasn’t, but it sure felt like it. 

“Oh, I’ll be damned!” Tanya hissed, and in one fluid motion she reached across me and grabbed the phone from the coffee table. She slid her finger across the screen and then brought it up to her ear.   
“Good evening, Elizabeth,” she said formally. “How may I help you? I was under the impression that all communication between us was put to a stop months ago.”

Ouch. Ouch a million times. It didn’t at all sound like Tanya was talking to her mother. Rather talking to a stranger. I was insanely grateful that Tanya wasn’t talking to me. I think I’d rather die than hearing Tanya talk to me in that fashion. 

“What’s this about?” Tanya asked tiredly and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. “Is my horse dead? Or was she put down months ago?” 

I cringed as I listened to Tanya’s mother’s voice in the other end. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but I could tell from Tanya’s expression that it was something unexpected. Her eyebrows had raised towards her hairline again, and she was squinting slightly. “Did he now? Well, that’s... unfortunate. Yes, I can imagine this comes as a shock to both of you. I’m not sure why you think I should know this. Matthew made it quite clear that he wished to stop all communication with me, and frankly, I don’t think he’d appreciate you going behind his back and telling me. Would that be all? I’m pretty busy right now.”

But apparently, that wasn’t all. Tanya’s mother kept talking, and Tanya kept listening. Mouth drawn into a thin line and posture closed off. Her shoulders were drawn up to her ears. I had never seen her look this tense. Not even during the Lily-business.

“Oh, please,” Tanya scoffed. “You really think he’d want that?! Have you forgotten everything he said to me?! It was the easiest thing in the world for him to write me off completely when I came out to the world, and now I’m expected to what, sit by his bedside and sob my eyes out?! You must be joking me! I’m a ‘dyke’, remember? His words, not mine, Elizabeth! He’s embarrassed about me. I doubt this will change anything.”

Okay, ouch. Like, really... ouch! I shifted uncomfortably on the couch, wondering what the hell this was about. I felt a rush of anger towards Tanya’s parents. Imagine saying that kind of shit to your own daughter! Who even did that?! 

“Yes, well, as I said, I’m pretty busy right now,” Tanya smoothly lied. “So I think I’ll have to cut this conversation short. Goodbye, Elizabeth.” She ended the call and put the phone down on the coffee table.   
She sighed gravely and then she rubbed her face in this really tired fashion I had not seen before. 

“What was that about?” I asked softly. It had to be something really major, otherwise she wouldn’t look like that. 

Tanya moved her hands away from her face, and it was almost like my question snapped her out of whatever funk she was in. “Nothing,” she said, and that smirk appeared on her face again. “We were busy, weren’t we, darling?” she wiggled closer and kissed my cheek, then my jaw. “As far as I recall, we were about to take things a step further...” her lips slipped down my neck and gave tiny little nips. 

Extremely distracting. My mind was starting to cloud over. The way she was kissing me made me loose focus. The only thing I could think about was her mouth on my skin and how I wanted her closer. I closed my eyes for a second and felt her give me a gentle shove. I toppled backwards onto the couch, and then she was on top of me. Her lips was on my neck, her hair was tickling my cheek. Her hands were on my body. Mine were on hers. And in many, many ways it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. In many ways, this was exactly how I wanted to spend my evening. I could. We could. We could switch back to our flirty afternoon. We could go back to kissing. We could move things into the bedroom, trade clothing and thoughts for soft caresses and languid kisses. We could sweep everything under the rug and pretend the phone call never happened. 

Except we couldn’t....

“Wait,” I said softly and opened my eyes so I could look at her. Her lips on my neck made it hard for me to focus and say the things I needed to, but I had to try. 

“What?” she said huskily. Then she smiled. “Oh, right. This is the couch. Good point. We should take this into the bedroom. Come on.” she lifted herself off of me and grasped my hand. Would probably have pulled me up and tugged me into the bedroom if I hadn’t stopped her with another soft: “wait.”

“What?” she asked, a tad frustrated now. “Don’t you want to have sex?” blunt as usually. 

“Always,” I assured her and gave her a little tug, so she ended up plopping down on the couch again. “But right now, I think you’re using sex as a way to distract me because you don’t want to talk about that phone call.” 

Her seductive attitude vaporized in thin air, and her features darkened. “Why do you know me that well?” she asked simply and folded her arms across her chest. 

“Kinda comes with the whole girlfriend-label thing,” I said softly and inched my way closer to her. Was even bold enough to kiss her cheek. 

“Well, you’re absolutely right,” Tanya said tonelessly. “I do not want to talk about it.”

“Which is completely fine,” I said. “But don’t you think it could make you feel better if you did?”

“I feel perfectly fine, Mara!” she snapped. 

I knew that I was walking on shaky ground here. And I knew because she had called me by my first name. She never did that unless she was ticked off. It was always ‘Swanson’ or ‘miss Swanson’. Sometimes ‘miss Manson’ when she was joking around. ‘Dearest’ or ‘darling’ when she was feeling particularly tender, and in a more private setting, Ma-ra, or Ma-raaah. Never just Mara. 

“I don’t think you do, though,” I said quietly. Was I brave or stupid? I didn’t know. But I did know that I should know better than to push Tanya Goldstein. 

“Don’t I look fine to you?” she retorted. 

In response, I reached out and touched her shoulder lightly. It was still stiff and drawn up to her ear. Not even our heated kiss a moment ago had changed that. “You’ve gone all tense,” I carefully pointed out. 

“Because your couch sucks!” she snapped. “I’m starting to think that maybe I should go back to my own instead!”

“I don’t think you should leave,” I said and took her hand. “I think you should stay right here.”

“Why? So you can play psychiatrist and try to make me talk about things I had no interest in talking about?” she asked coldly. But she didn’t bat my hand away. Didn’t even try. 

“No. So we can have a nice evening together curled up in front of the television while eating junk food,” I said and adopted a light and easy tone. “You want pizza or burger?”

“Pizza.”

“Great. Pepperoni or extra cheese? Or something completely different?”

“Pepperoni.”

“Okay. Tell you what, I think I’ll call and order it right now. Why wait?” I said briskly as I skipped into the kitchen where my cellphone was laying. I fidgeted more with my phone than I normally would before I dialed the number to my preferred pizza place. I could hear Tanya shift on the couch in the living room, and I was wondering what she was thinking right now. And more importantly, how I was supposed to go from here. I wanted to talk to her about this. I wanted her to know that she could talk to me about this, no matter what it was Elizabeth had called to tell her. I had heard Tanya say something about sitting by a bedside and sobbing her eyes out, and even though I didn’t completely understand what that meant, I had brains enough to figure out that it was something serious. 

Otherwise Elizabeth wouldn’t have called her. Something major was going on in Montana. 

Finally, I dialed the number to the pizza place and ordered two pepperoni pizzas for us. The place was busy tonight. It would be an hour and a half before the pizzas would be here. We would just have to be patient. As I put the phone down I wondered whether I should have asked Angie and Cooper if they wanted something to. 

Nah. They were adults. They could handle cooking for themselves. Or order takeout like Tanya and me. 

I heard shifting from the living room again. I felt a bit sneaky for listening in, and I paid for it by getting surprised when Genevieve appeared and slinked around my legs. She had probably been hanging out in my bedroom. She liked that. 

“Hey, kitty cat,” I said and crouched down so I could pet her. 

She purred once and then continued onwards into the living room. Most likely to see her ‘mommy’. It didn’t take long before I heard Tanya greet her in that soft, singsong-y voice she always used when talking to Genevieve, but there was still something off about her voice. Something that made me abandon my plan about ‘hanging out’ in the kitchen to give her time to collect herself and head back into the living room instead. 

Tanya was still sitting in the couch. Genevieve had curled into a large white ball in her lap, and Tanya was stroking her soft fur like she always did, but the gesture was absentmindedly. She wasn’t in it. Her emerald green eyes saw nothing as they stared at the wall. She was miles away. Thousand of miles away. Probably all the way in Montana. 

I sat down next to her. Quietly, not to disturb her. I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was thinking or processing. I was very tempted to reach up and smoothen the wrinkle between her pretty eyes, but I didn’t do it. Instead I sat tight and focused on looking at Genevieve. The ‘fluffball’ looked very satisfied in Tanya’s lap. Genevieve had followed Tanya for a long time. Ten years. Since Tanya was eighteen. 

I tilted my head and looked back up at my girlfriend. What had she been like at eighteen years old? She had probably been long and lean. Maybe with slightly fuller cheeks. Had her hair been different? Had her style? I had never seen any pictures of teenage-Tanya. Or childhood photos. She had told me that she didn’t have any, and I believed her. But I also knew that there probably was a reason she didn’t have any pictures. There had been a point where she half-jokingly had told me that Tanya Goldstein hadn’t existed before twenty years old. And I believed that too. Believed that Tanya had been forced to ‘re-invent’ herself when she left Montana. When she traded ‘fields for dazzling starlight’ as she jokingly had said. 

I knew that wasn’t as much as a joke as she had wanted it to be. I knew that there was a lot of truth in the supposed joke. The humor worked as a cover for something that was painful for her. 

I looked at Genevieve. She was still comfortable in Tanya’s lap. How many times had she comforted Tanya when things were tough? How many times had Tanya turned to her cat for support and comfort when she didn’t have anyone else? 

Now she had me. And I was going to comfort her whether she wanted me to or not. That was also a part of the girlfriend-label. A very important one. Me and Genevieve, we were going to help Tanya.

“Why did she have to call me?” Tanya asked, breaking the silence. “There’s nothing I can do about it anyway!”

I waited. Said nothing. 

Tanya let out a sigh that seemed to come all the way from her stomach. “Matthew suffered a stroke last night. He’s at the hospital. In a coma. There. Now I’ve talked about it. Satisfied?”

I ignored the last part. Because I wasn’t satisfied. Couldn’t possibly be in this situation. “And how are you... How are you feeling?”

Tanya shrugged. “How am I supposed to feel? I lost Matthew when I was fourteen. Elizabeth too. At least versions of them. If that even makes sense.”

“It does. At least I think it does.”

She let out a dry chuckle at that. “And now, for whatever reason, Elizabeth wants me to ‘come home’ to be with him.”

“Oh. I see.”

“But for what reason?” Tanya continued and ran two fingers through her blonde locks. “He’s in a coma. He won’t know whether I’m there or not. And if he wakes up again, he’d probably prefer that I’m not.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” She shrugged. “When I came out, I rejected everything they’ve ever wanted for me. Every single thing. It was like I suddenly humanized their worst fear, and from that point on, they never looked at me the same way. Not once. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

“No, I don’t. And I wish you hadn’t either.”

“Matthew did whatever he could to avoid me, and Elizabeth made a habit of inviting boys and their parents over for dinner in the hope that I would ‘change my mind’ and become interested in one of the boys.”

“Tanya, that’s awful.” 

“That’s why I started fake-dating guys,” she said flatly. “I figured that if I pretended to have a boyfriend, she’d stop. And she did. But it didn’t make things any easier. Because then I suddenly had a fake boyfriend to deal with. I’ve kissed so many frogs in my life to please Matthew and Elizabeth.” She let out a bitter laugh. “And it’s not even funny. I had a shitty childhood. And youth. All of it was just... shitty.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all that,” I said and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“Yeah, well.” Tanya said dully. “It is what it is. There’s nothing I can do to change that now.”

“And now Elizabeth wants you to come home because Matthew is sick?”

“Yes,” Tanya replied. “But I don’t understand why. He was the one who told me that I wasn’t welcome anymore. So either he has changed his mind overnight, or Elizabeth is deliberately going against him. And believe me, both scenarios are highly, highly unlikely.”

“What did Elizabeth say?” I asked carefully.

Tanya shrugged. “Just that it looks serious, and that it would be better if I came home, but I don’t know...” she trailed off and pushed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “I don’t know if I want to do that.”

“It’s your choice,” I said quite unnecessarily. “And it’s completely fine if you don’t want to go to Montana.”

She didn’t react to that. Her only answer was: “can we talk about something else now? I’m uncomfortable.”

I had absolutely no interest in making her feel uncomfortable, so I immediately said: “Sure.” Then I stood from the couch and extended my hand out towards her. “Come on,” I said softly. 

“Where are we going?” Tanya asked and raised an eyebrow as she took my hand. 

I bared my teeth in a little grin. “Into the bedroom.”

“To do what?” 

“Well...” I squeezed her hand. “I figured you could need a little lovin’.”

“You are such a huge cliché,” Tanya said. But she was smiling at the same time. 

“I know I am,” I chuckled and gave her hand a little impatient tug. “Coming?”

Tanya nodded in an almost ‘why not’-fashion, but she didn’t do a very good job at remaining nonchalant. She was still smiling as she brushed Genevieve off her lap and got up from the couch. Genevieve looked mildly insulted as she skittered away, but for once, Tanya didn’t care about her precious cat. 

Into the bedroom we went. I made short process of Tanya’s dress. I pretty much just yanked it over her head, and she looked slightly surprised and mildly annoyed that I had just yanked her fine dress off so forcefully. 

But I didn’t care about her disgruntled...ness. I was more busy looking at her perfect body. Those curvy hips of hers she hated, but I wouldn’t change for the world. Her flat abdomen and toned legs and arms. Maybe Eileen was a ‘slave-whipper’ of a fitness instructor, but she knew what she was doing for sure. I continued my ‘inspection’ of her body, and of course it didn’t take long before my gaze landed on her breasts. Bound to happen. And god, I loved those breasts of hers. I doubted a more perfect pair existed. All round and soft. Tanya had sometimes expressed her dissatisfaction with ‘being so heavy on the top’. She saw it as a disadvantage in the business she was in. She wanted to be more than ‘a pair of boobs’ as she called it. And no matter how perfect her chest was, she would always be more than that. So much more. 

But even if she was more than a ‘pair of boobs’, those were exactly what I was looking at right now. I couldn’t help it. For once she had chosen to wear a bra. A black lace one. For whatever reason that made everything look even more tempting. She was so fucking gorgeous. I was one very lucky bastard. I got to see her like this. I got to undress her. I got to touch her. I got to drink in the image of her. 

That would never cease to amaze me. That out of everyone in this world, she had chosen me as her girlfriend. Me. 

Tanya shifted a bit. Raised an eyebrow as though she was asking me what I was doing, and I realized that I had been looking at her for a while.

I flashed her a smile and reached up to unclasp her bra. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow. “Oh, straight to the point then. Excellent.”

I chuckled. Because she had gotten it all wrong. There was nothing ‘straight to the point’ about this. Not even in the slightest. I was planning on something a bit more lengthy. Some pampering. Some lovin’. Exactly like I had told her. “Get on the bed,” I said and leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow. Most likely because I was ‘ordering’ her. 

“Go on,” I chuckled, now giving her a little nudge. 

She didn’t protest. For once, she just did what I requested. Lied down on the bed. 

“On your front,” I added. 

“That won’t get us very far,” she joked but nevertheless rolled onto her back. 

I snickered again. Oh yes, it would get us very far. Given what I had planned, it would indeed get us very far. 

“Are you gonna take off your clothes too, or...” she asked. 

“Maybe in a moment,” I grinned as I elegantly hopped up on the bed. With gentle fingers, I pushed her blonde hair away from her naked back, and then I began. I lowered my mouth and kissed her nape. 

Tanya immediately lifted her head and looked back at me. “What are you doing?” 

The temptation to say ‘loving you’ was almost overwhelming. The words were right there, burning on the tip of my tongue. But I didn’t say them out loud. Not yet. Instead I offered her another grin and said: “foreplay.”

“Foreplay,” she repeated a tad skeptically. 

“Yes, Goldstein. Foreplay. Crazy important.”

“Since when?” she scoffed, but made no attempt at moving away.

“Since forever,” I said simply and lowered my mouth once more. I kissed her nape again. She didn’t move. Exactly like I already knew she wouldn’t. Maybe she loved hard and fast with lip biting and nails scoring up and down a naked back, but I had a distinct feeling that wasn’t what she needed tonight. She needed slow and gentle. She needed to feel completely relaxed and contend. I could see that the conversation with Elizabeth had rattled her more than she let on, and I wanted to help her in any way I could. Starting with making her shoulders uncurl and softening her muscles.

“You do know we only have so long before the pizzas arrive, right?” Tanya pointed out, lifting her head slightly and making her blonde hair tickling me. 

“Yup. But we’ve also have an oven where pizzas can be reheated,” I brushed her off and gushed a little on the inside. In many ways, Tanya was inexperienced. Not in the sexual way, but in the relationship kind of way. She had openly told me that ‘hookups and one night stands’ were as far as she had gone in her adult life. She’d had girlfriends when she was younger, but it had never been anything serious.   
It hadn’t lasted long enough to get serious. As I planted soft kisses down her spine, I wondered if she had ever been pampered like this. Had she ever had a partner who’d asked her to lie down and relax and not think about anything while they pampered her? I had a feeling the answer was no. Sad and at the same time not. Sad because of course she deserved to have experienced this at least once in her lifetime, but I also felt incredibly happy I was the one who got to do this to her. No, WITH her. 

Tanya cleared her throat and interrupted my train of thoughts. “I’m not sure what you’re doing,” she said a tad hoarsely. “But I’m pretty sure it’s working.”

“Good,” I said and planted another kiss. I was ninety nine percent sure that she didn’t necessarily meant that it worked in only a sexual way. I had a feeling that there was more in her statement than just sex. I kissed and kissed and kissed her soft skin. My lips were slowly inching closer to her lower back. I knew from experience that her lower back was a sensitive spot, and I was nothing but delicate as I planted a kiss there. 

Tanya squirmed and exhaled in the same kind of way she often did whenever she pulled her hair free from a high ponytail or slipped her high heels off after a long day. She had given up on whatever hesitation or caution and was enjoying herself.

I smiled a little and brushed a lock of blonde hair away from her shoulders. It didn’t always have to be about hair pulling and nails digging into skin. Obviously, that was nice too, real nice, but this was pretty great too. More than great. Sometimes it was exactly enough. I felt very privileged to be the one to give Tanya a bit of experience in this department. She wasn’t much of a ‘touchy-feely’ person. She tended to avoid subjects that were heavy on feelings. Mainly because she had spend half of her life trying not to feel the way she felt. 

“You could send someone to sleep doing that,” Tanya commented. This time she didn’t lift her head. 

“That’s fine,” I chuckled against her lower back and kissed it again. 

“I thought we were going to have sex,” she stated plainly. 

“Maybe we are. And maybe we aren’t,” I half-quipped. “But this is pretty nice too, isn’t it?”

“It is,” she said, and I could tell that she was surprised. Definitely not all that familiar with all the different ‘degrees’ of intimacy the bedroom had to offer. 

I kissed her lower back again. Tanya squirmed. Maybe she was starting to feel the effect of my kisses in certain places, or maybe she was simply readjusting. It remained unsaid. I didn’t ask her. I just focused on dotting kisses up and down her naked back. Her skin was so soft and warm under my mouth. 

“But seriously, this might make me fall asleep,” she half-warned. 

“Which is completely fine.”

“And you’ll just what? Continue to kiss me while I’m asleep?”

“Maybe...”

“That’s creepy, Swanson.”

“No, it’s not. It’s romantic.”

“It’s creepy,” Tanya said plainly. “It’ll never be anything but creepy.” 

I chuckled softly once more. I had reached the top of her back now and was slowly inching my way closer to her shoulder. She didn’t challenge me further about my ‘creepiness’. She just let me do this. 

Normally, she would have continued the banter, but not tonight. She clearly didn’t find it necessary, and I honestly felt a little doubtful whether that was a good thing or not. I still wasn’t completely used to quiet Tanya, even though I had seen glimpses of her more melancholic side. But I would just have to believe that she was relaxing and having a nice time. I switched from kissing her skin to slowly running my fingertips up and down her naked back. A soft exhale was the only type of response I was met with. I was barely touching her, really. Just very lightly tracing her back with my fingertips. Her back was really quite muscular. I knew that her fitness routine sometimes involved boxing, and now I really could see the benefits. I hadn’t known that it was possible to feel attracted to someone’s back. 

At least not until now. Tanya Goldstein’s back was sexy. That was the only way to describe it. And I would have a hard time looking away from it the next time she was wearing a backless dress. I scoffed quietly to myself as I ran my fingers up and down her back again. I constantly found new parts of her to feel attracted to. Such hardship. I bit back a chuckle. Not really. I was one fucking lucky bastard. I had the most perfect girlfriend. And not just because of her killer-body. Because of her everything. Her stubbornness. Her strength. Her wits. Her-

“I have to go to Montana.” 

The matter of fact sentence interrupted my train of thoughts, and I froze with my lips hovering only inches from her skin. So Tanya hadn’t just been relaxing. She had been thinking. Of course she had. Her mind rarely rested, I knew that. 

“Do you want to?” I asked softly. 

She didn’t answer that. “I have to,” was the only type of answer she gave me. 

“Okay,” I said gently and kissed her upper back just one more time. 

“I was thinking next weekend,” Tanya continued and raised onto her elbows. “I’m not gonna stay for longer than that. Only for the weekend.” 

“Alright,” I said lightly. “I’m going with you.”

“No, you’re not,” Tanya said immediately. 

“What?!” I said slightly louder than intended. “Of course I am, don’t be ridiculous!”

“No. You’re not.”

“Why not?” I demanded and grasped her chin and turned her head slightly so I could actually see her eyes. 

As on cue, she rolled them at me. “Elizabeth is a homophobe. Admittedly, Matthew was- is the worst of the two, but she too has said some pretty heavy stuff over the years. You really think I’m gonna expose you that?!”

“I can handle it,” I assured. 

Tanya made a slight scoffing sound and shook her head, sending her platinum blonde hair dancing down her back. 

“I can!” I said firmly. 

“Right.” still completely disbelieving. 

“We’re a team,” I reminded her and touched her shoulder lightly. “We’re supposed to support each other. But how am I to do that if you fly to Montana alone?”

“You have work,” Tanya said flatly and turned her gaze to the headboard.

“Fuck my work,” I said simply. “You’re more important than that!”

“Mara-“

“Tanya,” I parroted. “I’m not letting you do this alone, so we can either fly there together, or I’ll be right there on the next plane, following you!”

She turned her head and looked at me again. She looked a little annoyed, a bit impressed, and also slightly touched. She clearly hadn’t expected me to feel so strongly about this particular subject. 

“I mean it,” I said just to emphasize and make sure I go my point across. “If you fly to Montana on your own, I promise I’ll be right there one step after! I’m a reporter. I’d find out if you snuck off!”

Tanya scoffed slightly, and that tiny wrinkle appeared between her eyes again as she looked at me. 

I boldly stared back at her. I wasn’t gonna back down. Not on this one. 

“Fine,” Tanya said at last. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

I flashed her a smile and pressed a kiss to the top of her shoulder. “Thank you. For letting me do this with you.”

“Don’t thank me,” she said dryly. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“Maybe not, but we’ll be together.”

She let out a hoarse chuckle. “You’re so sappy, Swanson.” 

“Damn right I am,” I said simply and kissed her shoulder. “And now that that’s been established, could you possibly lie down again? I wasn’t done.”

“Done with what, exactly?” Tanya inquired as she lowered her head down. 

“Loving you,” it slipped out of me, and I immediately cringed inadvertently. Oops. Big oops. Major oops. Fucking oops! Did I just mess up spectacularly or what?!

But the only thing happening was Tanya letting out a deep sigh and saying: “that’s nice.” Nothing more. I tilted my head slightly, waiting for more. But she didn’t say anything else. And it was impossible for me to see her face. Her hair was covering it completely because of the way she was laying. Which annoyed me a bit. I would have given a lot to be able to see her face right now. 

I resumed the task of kissing her back until she squirmed slightly. Now she was definitely getting aroused. I could feel it. But I didn’t comment on it. I just let her enjoy herself without teasing her. I just pressed another kiss to her lower back. So we were going to Montana together. I was going to meet Elizabeth. I had no clue about how that would be going down, but I was extremely happy that Tanya had said yes to letting me come with her. This was something we should do together. Another part of the girlfriend-label. And a very important one too.


	20. Travel Plans

There wasn’t long from thought to action in Tanya’s world, and when I was in the middle of my lunch break at work the next day, she texted me that she had found a flight from LAX to Great Falls Airport in Montana tomorrow morning. Saturday. It was the only flight she could get on such short notice, and it meant that we would be gone until Thursday. She send me a long block of text about the short notice and how it would clash with my job. And she concluded the text with telling me that she understood if I couldn’t make it. 

Nice try, but I wasn’t planning on backing out now. Even if it WAS very short notice. But I rolled with it. Of course I did. I told her to book the plane tickets. I went straight into Ingrid’s office and explained the situation to her. She wasn’t overly satisfied with me, but she understood that it was a ‘family emergency’. She was reasonably okay with me working from home for a few days. 

“But don’t let it become a regular thing, miss Swanson,” she warned and drew her mouth into a thin line. 

“I promise,” I said. “Thanks, Ingrid.”

She scoffed. “Out of my office, Swanson. Now.”

So I did. And I chuckled to myself all the way back to my desk. I was relieved that she was okay with me taking a few says away from the office. And it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be working while we were in Montana, I would. Of course I would. And when Tanya and I were going to England too. Which we would be soon enough. In just three months, actually. Wow. That was a bit crazy. 

As was the trip to Montana. I had never ever expected to see the place where Tanya grew up. With her bad family history, I had assumed that was a big no-no. She still wasn’t overly thrilled about me going with her, and she had tried to get me to change my mind last night, but I had been unbreakable. I was going with her, and that was final. I wanted to see where she grew up. And I wanted to look that mother of hers in the eye and see if I found any traces of shame or second thoughts. There had to be a deeper meaning with her calling Tanya and asking her to come home, I refused to believe anything else. I had tried to brush the subject with Tanya last night, but she hadn’t been too keen on talking about it. So I had let it go. I had no interest in making her uncomfortable again. Not when she finally was comfortable. I had spent a long while on just kissing her back. It had been ages before it had evolved into something else, and in many ways, that was really nice. Sex was great and all, but seeing Tanya turn to putty for other reasons had been really amazing too...

When the workday ended, I practically threw my laptop into my bag and made a beeline for the door. But unfortunately only to collide with Boris. 

“Pardon me, Swanson,” he teased and gave me a little shove. 

“Move it!” I said impatiently.

“Alright, alright.” he jokingly backed up against the wall and held his hands up in mock surrender. “What’s the rush?”

“I wanna go home, that’s the rush, you moron!”

That didn’t offend him. Instead he just snickered at me. “So it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Tanya is waiting for you outside, right?”

“Of course not.” I was lying through my teeth and wasn’t completely sure why I bothered at this point. 

“Whatever you say, Swanson,” he laughed. “Whatever you say.”

I shoved past him and went outside. My gaze immediately landed on the Buick parked crookedly, and the woman standing leaned nonchalantly against it. Tanya looked fabulous as always in her jeans and dove-grey peacoat and her blonde hair gathered in a high ponytail. She looked awesome, but why the coat? It was a billion degrees today. Like, seriously. I shook my head a little at her. Always eager to make a fashion statement no matter what. She couldn’t have been standing there for longer than five minutes tops, and she was already heavily engaged in a phone call. Clearly a good one too. She was smiling- no grinning!- from ear to ear. I stood still for a moment and just... looked at her. Fuck, she was so beautiful. Her emerald green eyes were sparkling with unbridled joy. I wondered who she was talking to, and what about. It had to be something really good. Otherwise she’d hardly be grinning like the Cheshire Cat. 

“Oomph!” I said when Boris suddenly walked straight into me. 

“Move it,” he teased. “Exactly what are we staring at, Swanson?”

I muttered something incoherent. Yeah, I was totally busted for gawking at my girlfriend in broad daylight. But in my defense, said girlfriend looked very, very pretty today. And she was also doing that thing where she pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear while she was on the phone. She only ever did that when she was on the phone, and as of late, I had found myself slightly obsessing about how often she did that when she was talking to me over the phone. 

“Ohhh,” Boris said and let out a laughter that made him sound like an old sailor or something. “I get it.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled. 

He laughed, and it didn’t make my case much better that Leo and Jackie and Melanie soon followed his example and came outside. Great. Now Tanya had an audience while she was on the phone. She probably didn’t mind that, but I found my colleagues to be a bit dumb. They still weren’t completely used to Tanya coming to pick me up. But they would get there. I hoped. Yeah. Eventually, they would stop gathering when Tanya showed up. Sometimes I had the feeling that half of my office fancied her. 

“That is excellent news,” Tanya said and looked awfully satisfied. “Absolutely, yes. I’m down if the rest of us is too, but I reckon-“ she interrupted herself and laughed. “Yes, yes, quite right. My point exactly. Well, then I suppose I’ll be pretty busy-“ she interrupted herself again. This time by looking up. She probably knew that she was being watched. She had claimed she always got a prickling sensation all over when I was looking at her. Clearly meant as an insult, but really, I had been quite flattered. Now she raised an eyebrow when she caught me looking at her. Then she smirked slyly, looking me up and down. Her gaze lingered on my bare legs for a moment. Due to the high temperature, I was wearing shorts today, and boy, I was happy about it now!

Tanya grinned and made a ‘come hither’-motion towards me with her crooked finger.

Obviously, both Boris and Leo grinned like a pair of idiots at that. I did my utmost to ignore them and kept my gaze fixed on Tanya. She wagged that crooked finger at me again and went that extra mile by mouthing ‘come on’ at the same time. 

“I think your girlfriend want you to come over to her,” Leo joked. 

“You think?” I said flatly, going along on the joke. “Well, I better do it then. Bye, guys. See you when I get back.”

“Yeah. See you, Swanson.” I received pats on the shoulder and then my colleagues went into their cars. 

I went towards Tanya. She was still highly engaged in her phone conversation, but she still smiled and slipped an arm around me, gave me a brief squeeze and then nodded towards her car, clearly   
indicating that I could get in if I wanted to. 

But I was actually very comfortable standing here with her arm around my shoulder like this. And admittedly, I was curious about who she was talking to. She sounded so upbeat and enthusiastic. Which made me very happy. She had been a little subdued last night. Even when we had sex. It had almost thrown me a bit off at first, because Tanya was never quiet in bed. At least not quiet-quiet like she had been last night, so yeah, that had been a bit jarring at first. Until she had smiled. One of those big, naughty, satisfied smiles she always flashed me during our intimate moments. Then I had realized that her silence didn’t necessarily mean anything bad. It just meant that she was relaxing. 

Her arm was still slipped around my shoulder, and even though it was almost a bit too warm, I remained standing where I stood. And I didn’t do much to pretend that I didn’t have ‘big ears’ and was shamelessly listening in on Tanya’s conversation. I could faintly recognize the voice in the other end. 

“Thank you for calling me with such good news,” Tanya said briskly. “But I better get going now. Yes. No, you’re right, there’s no rest for the wicked, is there?”

I chuckled and was pretty sure I received a warning squeeze. 

“Okay then. Yes. Yes. I’ll do that. Of course. Bye now, Palma. Have a lovely weekend. Bye.” Tanya ended the call and muttered “my god, that woman has a mouth on her!”

“Should I be concerned that you A: have the hots for your director, or B: badmouthing her?” I teased. 

“Very funny. Hello.”

“Hi!” I turned under her arm and stood on my tippy toes so I could peck her cheek. The heels she was wearing today were ridiculous. 

Tanya gave me another little squeeze. “Aww,” she cooed. “What a sweet little moment.”

I rolled my eyes. “And you’ve just ruined it, Goldstein.”

“Oh.”

I snickered and ducked out under her arm. “So, why were you talking to your director?”

Tanya shrugged. “Why not? Are you ready to leave?”

“I am,” I rolled my eyes again. “And I think you’re dodging the question, Goldstein.”

“Darling, you know I can’t tell you what I’m talking to my director about. It’s confidential,” she reminded me as she opened the car door and elegantly climbed inside the car. “Now get your ass in here.”

I ‘got my ass in there’, but I didn’t give up quite yet. “Why is it confidential?” I complained. “That’s not fair! You were talking about ‘Love Me Not’, weren’t you?”

“Darling-“

“There’s gonna be a new season isn’t there?”

“Be quiet, you idiot!”

“Isn’t there?!” I said relentlessly. “Oh god, that’s why you look like a cat who got the cream, isn’t it? There’ll totally be a third season!”

“Okay, there is,” Tanya finally surrendered. “But it hasn’t been publicly announced yet, so you’re gonna have to keep your pretty little mouth shut about it.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! We’re getting a third season!” I shrieked. 

“What did I just tell you?! Keep. Your. Mouth. Shut.”

“Sorry. Shutting up. I’m done. Promise.”

“But it is a good thing,” Tanya agreed with a grin. “I have a job again.”

“You do,” I chuckled and reached across so I could squeeze her knee. “Congratulations. I’m so happy the series got renewed for a third season!”

“Me, too,” Tanya joked and adjusted the mirror slightly. “I must admit I’ve missed Celeste.”

“So have I.”

She scoffed. Clearly not impressed by my little joke....

“So, did you book those plane tickets?” I asked once we were back home and standing in the tiny hallway. I was wiggling out of my shoes, and Tanya was getting out of her coat.

“I did,” Tanya replied. “We have to catch the plane at seven am. It’s early, I know, but it was the only option.”

“That’s fine,” I said as I shrugged off my coat. “I can get up early.”

She raised an eyebrow as she unbuttoned her coat. “Can you?”

I was gonna give a biting answer to that, but I immediately forgot all about it when Tanya took off her coat and revealed what she was wearing underneath. My old black t-shirt with the faded Guns ‘N’ Roses logo. Now I suddenly realized why she had been wearing that too-warm coat over it. She didn’t want anyone else to know that she was wearing one of my oldest, most faded shirts.

I laughed. “Nice.”

“Thank you,” Tanya said, paying no attention to the teasing tone. “I think it suits me rather well, don’t you? You might never get it back.”

“Seriously?” I groaned. “Do you have any idea how many of my shirts that seemed to have disappeared since I started dating you?”

“Strange, isn’t it?” she drawled and teasingly pushed past me on her way into the kitchen. 

I snickered a little to myself. I actually didn’t mind that Tanya was stealing my t-shirts. Really, I found it to be quite sweet. Once I had taken off my own coat, I followed her inside the kitchen. “I better start packing then,” I said, resuming the conversation we’d had a moment ago. 

“Yes, that would probably be a good idea,” Tanya nodded and then turned her back on me so she could open the fridge. 

I walked over to the window and cranked it open. Man, this place turned into a freaking boiler in July! “what kind of clothes should I bring?” I asked. 

“Not much,” Tanya said, voice a bit muffled from inside the fridge. “It’s very warm there at the moment. Bring plenty of shorts. Short shorts.”

“Ever the helpful one,” I said and rolled my eyes. 

“Why thank you,” she quipped. 

I scoffed quietly. 

“I also booked us a hotel,” Tanya continued, emerging from the fridge with what to my surprise appeared to be a root beer. “Hampton Inn. It’s in Great Falls. Over three hours away from the hospital Matthew is in, but it was the best I could find on such short notice. I don’t have the nerves to live in Broadview or Billings or another of the small towns.” She found a bottle opener in one of the drawers. 

“Great Falls is fine,” I said. “And I don’t mind the long drive to the hospital either.”

Tanya shot me a funny look. “You want to go with me to the hospital?” 

“Yeah?” I said surprised. “I thought that was the point all along?”

“It actually wasn’t,” she said and shrugged lightly. “I figured I would drive to the hospital on my own, but...”

“I wanna come,” I interrupted. “Please?” 

“Fine by me,” Tanya said, shrugging again. “Then you get the pleasure of meeting my aunt.”

This new piece of information took me by surprise, and I tilted my head. “You have an aunt?”

“I do. Mary.” Tanya said and smiled rather triumphantly when she managed to uncap the bottle of beer. “Nasty old bitch with a voice that could wake the dead.”

“Oh,” I said and grimaced. “She sounds... pleasant.”

“Oh, she is,” Tanya said flatly. “She’s one of the people who gave me hell after I came out. She kept telling me that I had ‘shamed my poor father’ and bla-bla-bla...” she raised the beer bottle slightly. 

“What a wonderful aunt she was,” I said and glanced at the bottle of beer in Tanya’s hand. “Are you gonna drink that?”

“That was the plan,” Tanya said tightly. “Are you planning on telling me that I can’t or what?”

“No, but... are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked lightly. 

“It’s one beer, that’ll hardly kill me. It’s been months since I last had alcohol, and I could really use it today,” she muttered. 

“Okay.” I tried to be casual about it, but I couldn’t quite keep the concern out of my voice. 

And of course Tanya noticed too. “Tell you what,” she said, and now her voice was softer. She didn’t finish the sentence. Instead she opened one of the cupboards and found a glass. She poured herself a half a glass of beer and then sat the bottle on the kitchen counter. “You can have the rest.”

I immediately looked through her generosity. “You didn’t have to do that,” I said. “I’m not here to decide how much or how little you should drink.”

“Maybe not,” she chuckled. “But you were doing that thing with your eyes.”

“What thing?” 

“That thing where you go...” she widened her green eyes in a rather dramatic fashion. 

“I didn’t do that!” I protested. 

“Yes, you did. You always do when I say something that might be a little too scandalous. Or do something that could potentially be stupid. Like drinking all of the beer in that bottle.”

I flushed. She was right. “Well, I...”

“It’s fine,” Tanya chuckled. “I’ve come to know you pretty well too over these past five months, Swanson. I notice all the little things you do.”

I smiled. Couldn’t help it. She was quite perceptive. And clearly not in the mood to have a moment. She raised her glass of beer. “Bottoms up, Swanson.”

“Cheers,” I chuckled as I lifted the bottle of beer. 

We took a sip at the same time, and Tanya made a face. “Well, that was fucking disgusting,” she said plainly and wiped her mouth. “How long has that been sitting in your fridge?”

“Dunno.” I shrugged lightly. 

She took another small sip and made a face. “This taste like bloody cat piss!”

“Tasted a lot of that, have you?” I couldn’t resist to tease and smirked at her. 

“Oh, piss off,” she said, but couldn’t keep her amusement at bay. “And get off your pretty little ass.” 

“Where are we going?” I asked, ignoring the insult. 

“Into your bedroom.”

“Really?” now I was definitely smirking. “Already? I thought you’d still be tired after last night-“

“Oh, please,” Tanya interrupted and did that thing where she tossed her long blonde hair back over one shoulder. “You’re not that irresistible. We’re going into your bedroom, so you pack your things for tomorrow, and absolutely nothing else.” 

“So you ARE still tired after last night,” I concluded, grin plastered to my face. 

“Hardly. Now leave that disgusting beer and come along.”

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” I said in my sweetest, fake voice as I stood from the chair and walked over to her. 

“There’s a good girl,” she replied, non-plussed by my biting sarcasm. She even went as far as giving my bottom a little pat. 

“Hey!”

Tanya obviously ignored that. She just looked me up and down and smirked. “You should wear shorts more often.”

“Right. Noted.” I rolled my eyes and then walked into the hallway, towards the bedroom. 

Tanya followed me. Or rather, she walked in front of me and opened the bedroom door with the words: “move it, short stuff.” 

I was about to say something bitingly sarcastic in response, but I got distracted by the fluffy, white ball lying on my bed. “Oh, hi, Genevieve,” I said slightly surprised. “Didn’t realize you were here.”

Tanya chuckled warmly and made kissing sounds directed at Genevieve who politely looked up for a moment. “Unfortunately, she can’t go with us to Montana,” she said sadly. “But Frank has promised to take really good care of her.”

“And feed her salmon every night.”

“Yes, most likely,” Tanya said, ignoring my sarcasm. She joined Genevieve on my bed and crossed her legs elegantly like she was some 1950’s housewife. “Start packing, Swanson,” she said nonchalantly. 

“And you’re just gonna what, sit there and look pretty?” I asked jokingly. 

“No. I am going to advise you on what to bring, dearest. Now get busy.”

“God, you’re so bossy!” I grumbled as I opened the closet and hauled my old suitcase out. 

“Start with the underwear,” Tanya added sweetly. 

“Perv,” I said flatly. But I still opened my underwear drawer first. A mixture of sensible boy shorts and skimpier lace panties met my eyes. Yeah, I had bought a lot of underwear since I started dating Tanya.   
Embarrassingly many sets. Lots of lace. Tanya liked me in lace. But she liked me in boy shorts too. She liked me in underwear, period. No matter what kind it was. 

“Bring the red set,” Tanya half-ordered me. “I like the red set.”

Oh. I grinned. Perhaps that meant that sex wasn’t a no-no in Montana like it had been in Colorado. But of course that had been different. We had stayed at my parents place. This time we would be living in a hotel. That meant different rules. I stuffed the red lace set Tanya was referring to into the bottom of my suitcase and glanced back at Tanya. She had shifted into this cross legged position on the bed, and was now petting Genevieve while making ‘baby talk’ at her. That made me smile. Tanya looked quite sweet and vulnerable in the faded old band t-shirt and her jeans. She had always gone to Montana on her own. Never with a girlfriend, and never quite like this. This was very special. I felt special. She had actually agreed to letting me come with her. I had partially expected it to turn into a conflict between us in which I demanded to come along, and she denied me that. But she had just agreed. Just like that. She was really letting me in now. Letting herself be vulnerable around me. That meant a lot. 

And going to Montana with her meant a lot too. I was going to see the places where she had grown up. Okay, maybe not directly, but almost. And I was going to meet her mother. And her aunt. I was nervous about that. Of course I was. Anything else would be weird. But I could do it. I could handle meeting Tanya’s family. And I could handle whatever bullshit they might throw at me. But I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t give a biting response. Especially if they said stuff to Tanya. Seriously, there was a very real chance I would snap if Elizabeth or Mary or whomever said something to Tanya. Feeling that my thoughts were turning a bit murderous, I decided to distract myself by asking: “do you have any cousins?”

“Hmm?” Tanya had clearly been lost in thoughts too. 

“Cousins,” I repeated and turned my head so I could look at her. Now Genevieve was curled up in her arms. “Do you have any?”

“Oh yes, I do,” she replied. “Two of them. Tom and Tina.”

I tried and failed at keeping my amusement at bay. 

“I know,” Tanya chuckled. “Believe me, I know. Good ol’ Mary wasn’t very creative when it came to names.” 

“So, two cousins,” I said, trying to stifle my chuckles. “Older or younger than you?” 

“Tom is a few years older than me, but Tina is the same age as me.” 

“Okay.” I forced another set of underwear into my suitcase. This set happened to be black and lacy.

“Nice,” Tanya smirked from the bed. 

“So, does Tina or Tom have any children?” I asked curiously. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to know more about Tanya’s family.

“Tom and his wife have been trying for years, but so far no luck,” Tanya replied and tugged Genevieve up to lie on her chest. “But Tina and her husband have a ten year old daughter.” 

“Ten years old?” I tilted my head slightly. 

“Yes, they started early,” Tanya said with a slight eyeroll. “The main reason why they had to get married quickly. I didn’t go to the wedding.” 

“What’s the daughter’s name?”

“Grace. She’s a sweet kid. Thinks of me as an aunt. Even though I’m not.” A rich chuckle followed the sentence. 

I closed the underwear drawer and moved along to pants. I grabbed the first pair of faded denim shorts I came across and stuffed them inside my suitcase. So far, Tanya had only ever mentioned her parents. I shouldn’t be surprised to hear about her extended family, but I was. I didn’t know she had cousins. I had no idea there was a kid called Grace who saw Tanya as an aunt. After having stuffed a second pair of shorts inside my suitcase, I turned my head and glanced at Tanya again. “You don’t have siblings you haven’t told me about, right?”

“God, no, I would have told you if I had,” she chuckled. “No, I’m an only child.”

“Matthew and Elizabeth wasn’t interested in having anymore...” I trailed off, feeling unsure of whether I was walking on shaky ground or not. 

“I’m sure they would have been,” Tanya calmly answered. “But that wasn’t an option. Elizabeth struggled to get pregnant for a long time. Exactly like Tom and his wife. I’m not sure whether that’s a thing in the family, but maybe it is. Maybe we’re just bad at making babies-“ she let out a dry chuckle. “Anyway, Elizabeth was twenty when she married Matthew, and thirty five when she finally got pregnant with me. So, fifteen years into the marriage.” 

“Wow. They married young.”

“Oh yes. That’s definitely a thing in our family.” She chuckled dryly again. “Elizabeth and Matthew had given up all hope of having biological children, but then I showed up. Apparently, I was a ‘gift from   
God’. Elizabeth’s words, not mine.” 

“You were wished for,” I said softly. 

“Yes. For the first thirteen years of my life. Then I turned into a gift from Satan.”

I turned around quickly and dropped the pair of jeans I had been in the process of stuffing inside my suitcase. “The next words out of your mouth better be that no one ever fucking said THAT to you!”

“They didn’t.” Tanya smiled tightly. “They didn’t have to.”

“Tanya-“

“That’s enough of the old sob-story,” she interrupted and put on a smile. “Are you almost done with packing?” 

“Not really,” I said, accepting that we were done talking about it. “Wanna help me?” 

“Sure,” she said briskly, brushing Genevieve away from her chest and standing from the bed. “I’m probably better at it than you anyway.” 

I laughed more than I protested when she pushed me away from the closet and started to haul out clothes. “Do I even need that?” I asked, squinting slightly at the crop-top she was stuffing inside my suitcase.

“Yes. You do. It gets fucking warm in Montana,” she dismissed me. 

“Perv,” I said again. Merely teasing of course. 

Tanya didn’t react to that in anyway. She just told me to sit down while she ‘took care of things’. So I did. And I had to admit that she actually was pretty good at packing for me. She knew exactly what clothes I preferred and what I didn’t. I shook my head, quietly amazed about this. Except for my mom, no one had ever packed my suitcase for me. And I doubted that I ever would have if it hadn’t been Tanya. She could get away with it. Of course she could. That woman could get away with just about anything. Even packing my fucking suitcase.

“You wear this a lot, don’t you?” Tanya interrupted my train of thoughts as she held up my blue flannel shirt with the big wooden buttons. 

“I do,” I confirmed with a grin. 

“Good. Then it’s perfect.” She stuffed it inside my suitcase. “What do you want for dinner?” 

I tilted my head and inadvertently snorted. “You’re going to cook?”

“Yes, that was the plan,” Tanya said non-plussed. “How does pasta sound?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Great. That’s settled then. Now lets get this packing business wrapped up.” 

And it didn’t take long before she did just that. Then she slammed my suitcase shut with a triumphant grin and stated that I had everything I needed now. 

“I believe you,” I chuckled. 

“You have an article you need to finish, isn’t that right?”

“Yep, sure do. And you’ve got some lines to rehearse.”

“Indeed. But I was thinking afterwards...”

“Yeah?” 

“Maybe we could watch a movie?” she suggested and ran a finger through her blonde hair. 

“Sounds great. Any movie in particular you wanna watch?”

“’Carol’,” Tanya said without skipping a beat.

And of course I couldn’t resist to tease her about it. “You have a thing for Cate Blanchett,” I accused. 

“No, I do not. I have a thing for Rooney M-a-r-a,” she replied, still without skipping a beat. “But mostly just for Mara.” 

“You know, I’m pretty sure that was a compliment, Goldstein.” 

“Couldn’t possibly have been.” she scooped her precious cat up from the bed. “Come on, dearest. Go and write your article. The sooner you finish, the sooner we can watch that movie. I need to recharge before tomorrow.”

“Fair enough.” I flashed her a soft smile. Perhaps she was being all jokey and witty about it, but I could tell that she was nervous about tomorrow. Nervous about going home for the first time in a year and a half. I could perfectly understand why she would need to ‘recharge’, and what’s more, I was happy that she admitted to need it instead of hiding a bit behind her quick wits and humor. Another part of letting me in.


	21. To Montana

The following day, Tanya and I was up at the “ass crack of dawn”. Tanya’s words, not mine. But I fully agreed with her that it was early. I felt a bit like a zombie when I got out of bed, showered and then got dressed. I had chosen jeans, a tanktop and a comfortable black and white-striped flannel shirt. Nothing special. It wasn’t like I was going to a big event or anything. I was literally just getting inside a plane. That was all. My hair, which was now covering my nape completely, it could almost have been a bob haircut, got a quick brushing, my eyelashes a coat of mascara, and then I was ready. I looked awake and alert without being overly fancy. 

But Tanya left absolutely nothing to chances on this particular morning. She had looked somewhat stressed when we woke up, and she spent ages on getting ready in the bathroom. By the time she finally emerged, I was halfway through my second cup of coffee and nearly choked on the beverage when I looked at her. She was wearing a white suit. White, ankle-length dress pants that gave way to her high heels. White blazer with large buttons and sharp shoulders. Red blouse underneath, and a white silk scarf tied loosely around her neck. The shade of her lipstick was matching the color of her red blouse exactly, her eye makeup was a flawless cat eye so sharp I didn’t doubt she could kill someone just by looking at them, and her platinum blonde hair had been straightened until there wasn’t a single curl left in it. Tanya’s hair was already fair long when she had curls, but now it reached a good inch below her lower back. Or it would have if it hadn’t been tied up in her trademark high ponytail. 

“I thought it was really warm in Montana?” I asked a bit croakily after nearly having choked on the coffee.

“It is. I’m overcompensating,” she said shortly. “Is there anymore coffee left?”

“Yeah, plenty. Why exactly are you overcompensating?”

“Happens every time I go to Montana.” She swiftly grabbed the cup I had sat out for her and poured herself a cup of coffee. 

I silently waited for her to elaborate in some sort of way, but that didn’t happen. Instead Angie appeared in the kitchen, her red hair was tousled, and she was still wearing her pajamas. She looked a bit ruffled. But different, somehow. She looked... relieved. I hadn’t seen her look this relieved ever since she and Cooper started fighting about Chicago. Maybe they had resolved their issues. 

“’Morning,” she yawned and flashed us both a smile. She took a second glance at Tanya. “Wow. You-“

“-Make the rest of us feel bad about looking like we do,” I laughingly finished the sentence. 

“Yeah,” Angie chuckled. “Something like that.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Tanya said haughtily. “Thank you.”

I chuckled, but the sound quickly turned into a massive yawn instead. I grabbed a piece of toast and took a crunching bite of it. I scrunched up my nose. It was entirely possible that I had burned it a bit around the edges. Oops. Maybe I hadn’t been entirely awake when I put the slices into the toaster. 

Tanya took a large sip of her cup of coffee. I had put out a plate for her as well as one for myself, but her plate remained empty, and I raised an eyebrow. “Not hungry?”

“No,” she said shortly. 

Now I frowned. 

“I’ll just settle for some coffee right now,” she added. 

That didn’t make me feel satisfied in any way. “But shouldn’t you eat something?” I asked. Maybe I was pushing a little bit now. 

“I’ll eat later on the plane. Don’t worry,” Tanya said and flashed me a smile. 

Easier said than done. Of course I was worried. I was worried that this was a thing every time she went to Montana. I hadn’t experienced Tanya showing no interest in breakfast. She liked breakfast. She was a breakfast type of girl. And now she suddenly didn’t want breakfast. Of course all the alarm bells were ringing in my head. 

But she just smiled and sipper her coffee, seemingly completely unbothered by everything. If she was acting and pretending to be completely ‘zen’. She was doing one hell of a job. 

Angie rubbed her eyes. She really did look a bit ruffled on this particular morning, and of course I couldn’t resist to tease: “isn’t Cooper coming and joining us for breakfast?”

Tanya made a sort of snickering sound into her coffee. 

“He’s not here,” Angie scoffed. 

“Snuck out in the middle of the night, did he?”

“No, he was called away!” she protested, cheeks going pink.

“Oh. So you guys are... all good?” I asked carefully. I hadn’t dared asking about it. Angie had been pretty embarrassed over being caught ‘in the act’ so to speak when she finally had emerged from the   
bedroom, and there hadn’t really been much time for conversations either. The stuff with Tanya’s father and everything had kept me pretty busy. 

“We are,” Angie nodded. 

“Is he still going to Chicago then?”

“Yeah. We might try the long distance thing for a while, but...” she squirmed a little. “Jeez, I hate dumping this on you when you’re standing with one foot out of the door-“

“Angie,” I interrupted and patted her hand. “Just tell me, okay?”

“Well...” she squirmed again. “I’ve been doing some thinking, and maybe... Maybe I want to go with him. I mean, Chicago is not the end of the world, right? It’s not like he would be dragging me off to some teeny tiny...” she sighed. “But what about you? If I leave, you would be-“

“Not completely screwed,” Tanya finished the sentence, sipping her coffee. “At least not when it comes to having a roof over her head.”

Angie tilted her head. “Oh?”

“If you decide to move to Chicago with Cooper, Mara is going to live with me. Isn’t that right, Mara?” Tanya said and flashed me a smile. A bit of a tired one, that didn’t quite reach her eyes, but   
nevertheless a smile. 

“Right,” I confirmed and returned the smile.

“Really?” Angie smiled. “You guys are going to move in together? If I move to Chicago?”

“Maybe even if you don’t,” Tanya replied, taking another sip of her coffee.

Now it was my turn to go: “really?”

“I’d like to live with you,” she said simply and downed the rest of the coffee. Then she stood abruptly from the chair. “I better drop Genevieve off at Frank’s.” she looked at me. “Are you ready in fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah, but don’t you want me to-“

“No-no, just enjoy your breakfast,” she interrupted and gave my shoulder a light pat. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. Be ready.” Then she turned her head and called: “Genevieve, come here, honey.” 

It didn’t take long before Genevieve emerged from the living room. Her bushy tail swished, and she meowed softly at Tanya. 

For once, Tanya didn’t ‘baby’ her cat much. She just walked over to the apartment door, opened it and disappeared out of the apartment. Genevieve followed her. Exactly like a little dog would do. This wouldn’t be the first time she had followed Tanya down the stairs instead of being carried. Where Tanya went, Genevieve followed. The door closed behind both of them, and I heard the clicking of Tanya’s high heels as she went down the stairs. And the soft meows from Genevieve. But even though that was very cute and all, I still pursed my lips. 

Angie of course noticed that. “Is she okay?” she asked softly. 

“No, I don’t think so,” I said honestly. I’d had trouble with figuring out what was going on inside Tanya’s mind many, many times, but today I was not in doubt. She was struggling. Going back to Montana was triggering for her. It probably made all sorts of uncomfortable memories resurface for her. She had told me that she was confused and didn’t quite understand why Elizabeth wanted to come to Montana. Matthew was in a coma. He wouldn’t know whether she was there or not, and if he did not make it, he never would be any the wiser. Her words, not mine. And I had cringed when she had said them. It sounded so incredibly harsh. I felt for her, but I could not imagine what it was like to have such a terrible relationship with the two people who were supposed to love you no matter what. Your parents. The first people you trust in this world. Tanya’s parents had failed that part completely when they turned their daughter away for being gay. For being who she was. It was ultimately their fault that she had struggled with relationships in adulthood. It was their fault she had built up a wall around herself. It was their fault that she had acted all skittish this morning and not at all like the sassy woman I knew and adored. Everything was their fault. I noticed that my hands were shaking slightly as I lifted my cup of coffee. I was getting angry at Matthew and Elizabeth all over again. Maybe Matthew was in a coma and couldn’t answer for himself, but Elizabeth could, and I didn’t know how I could stop myself from saying something to her. Something like... how could you?! Or... what is wrong with you?! Or maybe... what sort of heartless woman turns her only child away just because she’s gay? Can’t you see what a beautiful, wonderful person she is? Can’t you see that she’s still hurting because of what you did? Was it easy to just stop thinking of her as your daughter? So what if she isn’t straight?! Does that really change who she is? You really want her to lie and be miserable instead of being herself and be happy?!

I took a deep breath. The coffee cup shook violently. Because my hands were shaking violently. Yeah, I was getting angry. Really angry. I didn’t know how I was supposed to NOT blow up at Elizabeth when I saw her. How did I stop myself from yelling at her? 

Maybe I couldn’t. 

“Are YOU okay?” Angie asked and raised an eyebrow. She had clearly noticed my shaky hands. 

“Yeah,” I said quickly. “I was just getting angry at Tanya’s....parents.”

“Oh,” Angie nodded, now frowning. “Yeah, I get that.”

“I’ll have to try and keep a lid on that,” I sighed. “I doubt it’ll be any help to Tanya if I start yelling at Elizabeth.”

“Maybe not,” Angie said and flashed me a little smile. “But I’m sure she’d appreciate the meaning behind it.”

I smiled back at my roommate before I turned my attention back to my coffee and breakfast. I didn’t have that long before it was showtime... 

Everything went pretty smoothly. I finished my breakfast and coffee and said goodbye to Angie. She gave me a big hug, wished me good luck and told me to give Tanya a ‘big cuddle’. I refused to do that, laughed and called her an idiot and instructed her to call me if she happened to make any life changing decisions over the weekend. She promised to do that, but insisted that she still wasn’t completely sure about Chicago. I could tell from the look in her eyes that that wasn’t completely true, but I didn’t press the issue though. But I could feel that something within me that shifted. The idea of Angie moving to Chicago didn’t seem quite as scary now. It had sort of slipped into the back of my mind while my most dominating thought was the idea of living with Tanya. I wanted that. A lot. I wanted to check another milestone off the list. It was a big deal. This would be me, living with my girlfriend. Like a proper adult. 

Tanya picked me up. Or rather, Peter the Chauffeur picked me up. He was driving us to the airport in Tanya’s Buick. 

Tanya said very little during the drive to the airport. Obviously, she answered when I spoke to her, but whenever I stopped talking, she fell into this silence. And it wasn’t the sort of comfortable silence we had practiced over the past five months whenever she was reading manuscripts and I was reading. It was a melancholic silence. The kind of silence that had her sitting and staring out of the window. I took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. She squeezed back and flashed me a smile. But it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She was worried about going to Montana. I was worried about her worrying. I had never seen her like this before. I’d seen her nervous at the Golden Globe Awards, but never worried like this. And I did not like it one bit. I wiggled a little closer to her, put my head on her shoulder. 

“What are you doing, Swanson?” Tanya rumbled.

The answer was right there on the tip of my tongue. ‘Loving you’. But I didn’t say it. There was a time and a place, and the time was definitely not right. Not now. So instead I said: “I’m just... making myself comfortable.”

“By using me as a pillow?”

“Yeah,” I snickered and kissed her jaw. “Something like that.”

She scoffed. “I wouldn’t make a habit of it if I were you...” 

“I’d never dream of it, Goldstein,” I assured. But I actually would. And especially when she looked this worried.

Tanya rumbled something in return, and a moment later I felt her arm drape lightly over my shoulder. She clearly appreciated the shameless way I was using her as a ‘pillow’. I absentmindedly fiddled with the bottom of the scarf she was wearing, and earned myself a scolding for trying to take her clothes off. That made me laugh and feel relieved that there was at least a bit of the old Tanya left. 

In the airport, I could truly feel how stressed Tanya was. It was fuck this and fuck that as we checked our baggage in. It was no secret that Tanya had a fondness for cussing, but I had discovered that the cussing always intensified whenever she was stressed, and I had never heard her use as many swear words as she did on this particular morning in the airport. And her gaze kept flickering around. Like her eyes couldn’t find a spot to settle on. She kept touching her hair too. Or rather, the dark wig she had tugged over her own hair. One could wonder why she had bothered with straightening her hair only to pull a wig over it, but either way she kept touching her now dark locks. Which she only ever did when she felt pressured. She was obviously struggling, but she still managed to smile at the guy who helped us with our luggage. Then we found two empty chairs where we could sit and wait until it was time for us to go to the gate. 

“I swear, if I ever get crazy rich, I’m gonna buy a private jet,” Tanya mumbled. “Dealing with airports literally gives me the jitters!”

Yes, I could see that. Her right leg was bouncing. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Looking at the rapid movement almost made me a bit dizzy. I looked back up at Tanya’s face. It didn’t look like she even noticed that her leg was bouncing. I put my hand on her knee. Not because the movement irritated her and because I wanted her to stop, but because I wanted to comfort her somehow. 

But Tanya misunderstood it. “Oh,” she said as she glanced down at her right leg. “Sorry about that,” she continued and looked oddly sheepish. It wasn’t very often Tanya looked sheepish. “I’m gonna stop it now. I just need to get it out of my system before we get to Montana.” 

“I wasn’t asking you to stop,” I said softly and gave her knee a little squeeze. 

Tanya said nothing. She just brushed invisible dust off her white suit. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked directly, realizing that I didn’t ask Tanya that question nearly often enough. But that was about to change dramatically. From now on, I would make an effort to ask her how she was feeling. How she was ACTUALLY feeling. 

“Like I’ve forgotten to take my meds this morning,” Tanya said simply. 

“But you didn’t. I saw you take it.”

“I know. I feel like my mental health is declining as I speak,” she continued. The words were spoken all jokingly, in true Tanya Goldstein fashion, but I knew that this was not a joke. Not even in the slightest. I squeezed her knee gently, silently urging her to go on. 

And it didn’t take long before she did. “My irritability physically hurts,” she continued and stared straight ahead. “It’s like... I can feel my brain pulsing against my skull. I can feel my limbs tingle and my heart randomly pounding. It’s almost like having a constant panic attack, and it’s exhausting.”

“What can I do?” I asked earnestly. “Tell me what I can do to help you.”

Tanya shrugged. “You’re here. That means a lot. Usually I’m here on my own.”

I took her hand instead. Squeezed it tightly. Then I lifted it. Brought it up to my lips and kissed it. 

Tanya smiled meekly. “Are we having a moment again?”

“Yeah.” I kissed her palm softly one, two, three times. “I think we are.”

“Okay.” Just that. No funny remark. No eyeroll. No nothing. Tanya was definitely not acting like her usual, cocky self. 

Once again, I felt enraged. This was what her stupid parents were doing to her. 

“God damnit!” Tanya said, and I realized that her leg had started bouncing again. 

“I don’t mind it,” I said quickly. 

“Maybe not, but I do,” she said tightly. “It’s a symptom, Mara. My anxiety is acting up when it shouldn’t be. I’ve taken my meds, for fucks sake! I haven’t missed a single dose!”

“I know you haven’t,” I said gently. 

Tanya let out a long sigh. “I wish this didn’t fuck me up like it does.”

Yeah, I wished that too. I wished that her parents hadn’t been such stupid fucking homophobes who couldn’t even accept their own daughter!

“But c’est la vie, I guess,” Tanya continued absentmindedly and flicked a lock of dark hair away from her face. 

“Well, it shouldn’t be!” I growled. 

She grinned. A teeny tiny grin. “Look at you going all protective on my behalf.”

“Isn’t that what girlfriends are supposed to do?” I asked. 

“I don’t know,” Tanya shrugged. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before.” She wiggled a hand inside the pocket of her blazer and found her little mirror and a lipstick. 

I watched as she carefully applied the raspberry lipstick with sure and steady hands. She looked ridiculously perfect. Almost... too perfect. At least now I knew what she meant when she said she was overcompensating. Her appearance had to be perfect because she felt like a mess on the inside. You didn’t exactly need to be certified psychiatrist to see that. 

“What you looking at, Swanson?” Tanya asked, lowering the mirror and squinting slightly at me. For a moment she looked and sounded quite like herself. 

“You,” I said and grinned. “You’re beautiful.”

She smirked and teased: “tell me something I don’t know.”

I laughed, grateful that ‘the old Tanya’ wasn’t completely gone after all. Hell would freeze over before that happened....

It almost felt a bit like deja-vu when Tanya and I stepped onto the plane. Only this time we weren’t going to Colorado. We were going to Montana. 

I buckled the seatbelt and did a little wiggle to make myself comfortable in the plane seat. Not that I needed to. We were flying first class. Tanya had insisted on this. Had claimed that she craved a bit of luxury before going back to Montana. That was the least the universe could give her, she’d said. But I was growing a bit concerned as I stretched in the all too comfortable plane seat. “Tanya?” 

“Hmm?” she replied without looking up from her phone. She was clearly in the middle of switching the device off before take-off. 

“This is... expensive,” I said through gritted teeth. Quite the different standard from when we were flying to Colorado to see my folks. 

“Yes,” she said simply, now slipping the phone pack in her little clutch. 

“I... I don’t know how to feel about that,” I continued, still through gritted teeth. 

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Tanya scoffed and rolled her emerald green eyes at me. “So, I booked the nice seats for us. And so what?” 

“I...” I bit my lip now as I thought back to all the many visits to expensive restaurants, she’d paid for over the past five months. Delicious meals she had paid for. I looked down and raised the sleeve on my right arm slightly so I could look at my watch. The beautiful watch she’d bought for me in New York. The beautiful, EXPENSIVE watch she had given me. 

“What?” Tanya asked, clearly a bit annoyed that I had stopped talking all the sudden.

“I... I never pay for anything,” I muttered. 

“What? Speak up, woman, I can’t hear you.”

I suffocated the instinctive amusement and went serious again as I said: “I never buy you anything. You’re always the one who-“

“So what?” she interrupted with a shrug that had her shoulder bumping against mine. “What’s yours is mine, and vice-versa.”

“That only counts for married folks,” I said before I could stop myself. 

“Married folks, girlfriends who may or may not move in together, la-di-dah, same shit.”

“Not really, no,” I protested. “In fact not at all-“

“Mara, it doesn’t matter to me,” Tanya interrupted and took my hand. “Not even in the slightest.”

“But I feel guilty for never.... giving you anything,” I said lamely. “It’s always takeaway in front of the television when we’re at my place. It’s never a nice meal on a nice restaurant. The only place I can   
afford is Joy’s, and that’s not really...”

“And you don’t think I appreciate that?” Tanya interrupted, but now her voice was soft. “You don’t think I adore the nights where we have takeaway and laugh at the crappy television shows we watch?   
Those nights means more to me than a night on a fancy restaurant ever could.” 

“Tanya-“

“Mara, it’s.... it’s just money. I know it sounds cliché and spoilt, but that’s how I feel about it. And you wanna know why I take you out for fancy dinners at nice restaurants?”

“Because you’re hungry and want to check out all the new places?”

Tanya laughed. “Partially, yes. But also because I’m still not very good at expressing myself. You do it so easily. Show affection with your words and your hugs and your kisses and everything. I’m... I’m not very good at that. So I do it in ways that are less foreign to me.”

My heart melted a little bit. “You know what?”

“What?” Tanya asked, already looking annoyed and embarrassed about the unfiltered honesty she’d just demonstrated.

“You just did a pretty good job at showing affection,” I informed her and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“Oh. Right then,” she said a tad stiffly and glanced out of the window. “Come on. Get that damn plane in the air.”

I quelled a smile. She was clearly done talking about her feelings now. “Are you impatient?”

“Yes, impatient to get this over with,” she said tonelessly. “Impatient to make sure Matthew didn’t bite the dust why I was sitting in a plane. But I assume he didn’t. He’s a pretty stubborn man, and I doubt biting the dust is a part of his plans right now. And I would probably have been informed if he did.”

The way she said it made me tilt my head as I looked at her. “Tanya, does Elizabeth know you’re- we’re coming?”

“Hell no,” Tanya said, exactly as expected. “No, I figured it would be better if we just showed up. Give Elizabeth less time to perform a speech or whatever. Do you mind that I didn’t tell her of my plans?”

“No. That was completely your decision.”

She flashed me a little smile. 

The flight attendants showed up and did the whole security thing. When they were done, Tanya leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. I looked past her out of the window. Saw the airport disappear as the plane started to move, and soon I felt that pulling sensation somewhere behind my navel as the plane took off. 

“Too late to change your mind now,” Tanya joked dryly. 

“Never gonna happen.”

She scoffed. “That’s very sentimental of you.”

“You know what?” I gave her hand a squeeze. “I don’t give a shit.” 

She laughed, thank god. But then she slipped back into that melancholic silence, and I squeezed her hand again. I had a feeling that this would be a very quiet flight. But that was okay. I didn't mind a silent Tanya. As long as she ate breakfast like she had promised me she would...


	22. Arriving in Montana

Oddly enough, Tanya’s anxiety seemed to have disappeared completely by the time we landed in Great Falls airport. She was all sass and smart remarks just like she always was. I wasn’t sure whether it was an act or not, but if it was, it was a good one. 

We left the airport hand in hand. Tanya was the one who had taken my hand. It was a sweet gesture, definitely, but I also had an inkling that she was trying to make some kind of statement. Like... ‘this is me, and I’m holding my girlfriend’s hand whenever I want to. Deal with it’. 

The sun was shining in Montana. From a clear blue sky. And it was pretty warm too. Definitely hot. Tanya must have been sweating buckets in that white suit of hers, but she wasn’t complaining as we briskly crossed the parking lot. I looked around for some sort of way to get to our next destination, which would be the hotel. We needed a taxi or an Uber or whatever. I did another quick scan of the parking lot behind the airport, but I couldn’t actually see any taxies. Maybe you were supposed to whistle or something. I quelled a smile. I could literally see Tanya’s reaction if I suddenly were to whistle in an attempt to hail a taxi. But it was either that or waiting for a taxi to show up. I wasn’t a big fan of that. It really was very warm. I was sweating. I was sure Tanya was sweating. And we had to wheel our suitcases around. This situation wasn’t perfect. We couldn’t very well walk around in this parking lot for hours and hours. 

But Tanya didn’t seem the least bit concerned about it. She even smiled a little as she brought us to a halt under one of the trees at the edge of the parking lot. I used my free hand to wipe my forehead and then pull slightly at the collar of my shirt. To be honest, I felt a bit gross. I was sure I could feel the sweat trickling down my back. Eww. I needed a shower. Badly. I should have worn shorts instead of jeans, but I had been worried that it would be too cold to wear in the plane. My mom was the one who had drilled that into me. Never wear shorts in a plane, Mara. You’ll end up getting a cold. 

I turned my head and looked at Tanya. She looked perfect as ever in her white suit. Not as much as a droplet of sweat on her forehead. No runny mascara. How the fuck did she do it? 

“Jeez,” I mumbled and wiped my sweaty forehead again. 

“Here,” Tanya said, handing me the bottle of water she had bought before we left the airport. “Drink.”

“Thanks,” I said and rolled my eyes a little at myself. Suddenly I felt like a kid on an outing. A kid who had forgotten her water bottle on the bus. Partially true. I had forgotten it on the plane. Stupid me. I popped the cap off the bottle and took a deep gulp of water. Man, I was thirsty. Once I had taken another big gulp, I handed the bottle to Tanya. “You want some too?”

“Sure,” she said lightly, taking the bottle from me and then taking a swig herself. When she was done drinking, I quickly glanced at the bottle and then made a slight sound between a snort and a chuckle.   
No lipstick marks on the bottle. Of course not. 

“Good ol’ Great Falls,” Tanya muttered as she looked around at the area behind the airport. 

“This usually where you fly to when you...” I cringed a bit. “When you go back to Montana?”

“No, I usually fly to Helena,” Tanya replied. “Bit of a long drive to Matthew and Elizabeth’s farm from there, but I never minded that. I usually enjoyed the drive. But I figured that since our hotel is here in Great Falls, it would be easier to fly here.”

I nodded. “Makes sense.”

“Indeed,” Tanya said and slipped her phone out of her pocket. She glanced at the screen once while muttering something about the time.

“Exactly what are we waiting for?” I asked and grimaced slightly when hearing my stomach rumbling. 

“Hungry?” Tanya teased.

“Apparently. And you should be too.”

“I had a croissant,” she pointed out. 

“Yeah, one.” My voice was dark, but I wasn’t at all happy with what little food Tanya had eaten. She couldn’t live on one croissant and three cups of black coffee. I wouldn’t be surprised if her leg was gonna bounce for the rest of the day. With the amount of coffee she had consumed already, anything else would be impossible. 

“One was enough,” Tanya said a tad too brusque, but then she made up for it by squeezing my hand slightly. “I’ll eat something when we get to the hotel, okay? Plenty of lunch.”

“I’m sorry for nagging,” I muttered. “I just... I guess I don’t like it when you’re not eating.”

Tanya chuckled. “I get it. No need to apologize.”

“Alright,” I said and did another quick scan of the parking lot. The place was crawling with busy travelers arriving at the airport and leaving the airport. Excited children happily chitchatting. Stressed out businessmen and women, hurrying to catch their flight. Cars were leaving and arriving, but I couldn’t see any taxies. It looked like we would have to catch a bus or something. 

But Tanya made absolutely no attempt at leaving the parking lot, and I frowned as I looked at her. “So, what are we waiting for?” I questioned, just like I had done a moment ago. 

“Wait for it,” Tanya teased. 

“Wait for what, exactly?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. A sleek, grey car pulled up and parked right by the curb where we were standing. The door to the driver’s seat opened, and a guy in a black blazer and black cap exited the car. He came over to Tanya, smiled and said: “Miss Sarah Manson?”

“That’s me,” Tanya confirmed and smiled dazzlingly at him. 

“I hope I haven’t kept you waiting for too long, miss Manson,” the man said. “The traffic-“

“It’s perfectly fine,” Tanya interrupted, still smiling sweetly at the guy. “I know how traffic can be here.”

“Well, she’s all yours, miss Manson,” the guy reached within his pocket and fished out a car key. He handed it to Tanya, and I was slowly starting to piece together what was going on. 

“I’ll bring her back in shipshape in four days,” Tanya promised. Then she turned her head and said briskly: “come on, Mara. Let’s go.” she gave my hand a slight tug and began pulling me towards the sleek grey car. 

“Safe travels, miss Manson,” the guy said before he turned around and crossed the parking lot. 

“You’re too kind, Sir,” Tanya said when the guy was out of earshot. She chuckled amusedly to herself as she opened the trunk of the car. 

I just stood and stared at the big, sleek, grey car. That was one hell of a car. 

And obviously, Tanya soon grew impatient with me: “well, come on then, Swanson. Get your things in the car.”

“You rented a car,” I said dumbly as I finally walked over to said car. 

“A car,” Tanya repeated and wrinkled her nose. “Darling, this is not just a CAR. It’s a Rolls Royce. Show some respect.”

I laughed in pure disbelief. “You rented a fucking Rolls Royce!”

“Yes,” she said lightly. “I like nice cars. You know that.”

“But a Rolls Royce? Seriously?” 

Tanya rolled her eyes at me. “Are you saying that you don’t want to ride with me? You’re welcome to stay here and wait for a taxi...”

“Shut up, I’ll ride with you,” I chuckled. “No reason to be so dramatic.”

“I’m an actress,” Tanya said lowly. “I’m getting paid to be dramatic. Now get your things in the damn car.”

I quit the teasing and loaded my suitcases into the trunk of the car. Then I slammed the trunk shut, and still shaking my head slightly, I walked round the car to the door to the passenger’s seat. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t do me any good to suggest that I would drive. I would have to endure Tanya’s shitty driving one more time. I got into the car without complaining and slammed the door shut behind me. I chuckled dryly to myself as I put on my seatbelt. Thank god for seatbelts. I glanced around in the car and sucked in my cheeks slightly. Ivory leather seats. Enormous backseats. God, this car was insane! It felt a bit like deja-vu. I could clearly remember the first time I had gotten into one of the big cars she was driving around in in Los Angeles.

“Excellent,” Tanya said briskly as she opened the door to the driver’s seat. “Then let’s get going.” She got into the car, but maybe her movements were a tad too fast, maybe she for some reason moved with less grace than usually, but either way, her head hit the side of the car with a thump when she got inside the car. “Ow, fuck!” she complained, and I cringed. That had sounded really painful. 

“Did you just bonk your head?” I asked and immediately felt dumb. But still, it was rare to see Tanya Goldstein act clumsy and graceless like any ‘normal’ person. 

“I did,” Tanya muttered, rubbing the sore spot on top of her head. “And let me tell ya... if it’s not a headboard, it aint worth it!”

I chuckled at that. “You alright?”

“Yes, of course I am,” she replied a bit snippily, and still rubbing the back of her head. “God damnit!”

“Do you want me to drive?” I offered. Only partially with a hidden agenda. 

One that Tanya immediately looked right through. “Oh, nice try, darling. I’ll drive.”

“Yeah, I was afraid you’d say that.”

Tanya scoffed as she inserted the key and turned it once, making the engine come to life. “I’m not that bad of a driver.”

I snorted in response. 

“I’m not! I only failed my driver’s test once. Or twice.”

“Are you serious?!” I asked strained, already gripping the seat. 

“Maybe,” Tanya teased. Then she steered the car out of the parking lot, making the tires squeal slightly. “Woops.”

“Are you sure you don’t have a concussion?” I half-teased. “Maybe I should drive?”

“Shut up.”

“YOU shut up, Sarah Manson,” I chuckled. “Nice undercover-name.”

“Thank you. I think it suits me rather well.”

I laughed quietly to myself and glanced out of the window. Once we had put the airport behind us, Tanya took the I-15 N and onwards to Central Ave. “Are we going far?” I asked curiously, wondering why I hadn’t asked her about the hotel yet. I didn’t even know where we would stay while we were in Montana.

“No, not that far,” she replied. “The hotel’s only about ten minutes away.”

“Oh, okay. Which hotel are we staying at?”

“SpringHill Suites by Marriott.”

My eyebrows rose towards my hairline. “Are you serious?” I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I knew the hotel, but the name suggested that it wasn’t a teeny tiny hotel. 

“Quite,” Tanya said simply. 

I found my phone in my pocket and did a quick googling of the hotel. Yep, it was a nice hotel. With swimming pool and all that jazz. God, Tanya didn’t do anything half-heartedly. I should probably be used to that by now, but I wasn’t. And I doubted that I ever would be used to nice hotels. 

“Argh!” I exclaimed when Tanya did something that felt like stepping on the brake, making the car halt abruptly at a traffic light. 

“Woops, red light,” Tanya laughed. “Sorry about that.” 

“Jesus!” I hissed. “Some day you’re going to get us both killed, Goldstein!”

“You’re fine,” she brushed me off. “Stop being such a baby.”

“Stop being such a shitty driver!” I shot back. 

“I am not a shitty driver!”

“You so are!”

Tanya simply scoffed and muttered something about me being the dramatic one. She was a great driver, and that was final. 

I didn’t agree, but I refrained from saying anything else. It didn’t seem fair continue the teasing when she had been so stressed earlier. I studied her face. She looked calm. Didn’t seem stressed anymore. 

She was even whistling to herself. I had never heard Tanya whistle before. The tune seemed easy. The type of silly little easygoing tune you’d whistle when you were relaxed and in a good mood. I tilted my head slightly. Was she putting on a show for me? Was she just pretending to be relaxed and cheery? Or was she really feeling better? Had the time we had been in the air calmed her anxiety? I looked down at her pant-clad legs. Her leg wasn’t bouncing any longer. That had stopped sometime after she had eaten a croissant. But that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because the physical signs of her anxiety was gone, she could still be anxious. I spontaneously reached out and put my hand on her knee......

Ten minutes later, and without killing us, Tanya parked the grey Rolls Royce in front of the hotel. The place looked even more impressive in real life, and I shook my head once again. This was one hell of a place. 

“Home sweet home,” Tanya joked as she switched the engine off. 

“This is a-“

“Nice hotel,” she finished the sentence and got out of the car. “Come on.”

I followed her out in the sunshine. We wrestled our suitcases out of the trunk and walked towards the hotel’s door. 

By the desk in the lobby, we were greeted by a female receptionist who welcomed us with a warm smile. ‘Michelle’, her nametag said. 

“Reservation for Sarah Manson?” Tanya said, and I snickered quietly to myself. She shot me a warning look, and I quickly scolded my features into something more serious. 

“Ah yes, miss Manson,” the receptionist said briskly, and her long fingernails tap-tap-tapped on her computer for a moment. “A suite, wasn’t it?”

“Indeed,” Tanya confirmed. 

“Yes, here it is,” Michelle said, opening a drawer and finding a sheet of paper as well as a key card. She handed it all to Tanya with the words: “the code to the Wi-Fi is listed in the papers, breakfast is between seven and eleven. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable.”

The way she said it, combined with the way she smiled, made me think that she knew things. Perhaps not everything. Maybe she didn’t know who ‘Sarah Manson’ actually was, but I could tell that she definitely knew ‘Sarah Manson’ wasn’t an ordinary guest. 

“Thank you, but I’m sure everything will be perfectly satisfying,” Tanya said lightly, looking at me over shoulder. “Come on, darling. Let’s go and check out that room.” she thanked the receptionist and then briskly began ascending the little staircase leading up to the elevator. 

I followed her, barely making it inside before the elevator doors slurped closed. I scowled at her, but she just chuckled as she checked the keycard. “Room 305. Seventh floor. Be a dear and push the button, will you?”

I pushed the button, and the elevator rumbled once as it began moving, taking us upwards. 

“Oh, elevators,” Tanya said dreamily and smirked. “I have such fond memories about riding the elevator with you.”

I flushed at the memory and then cleared my throat. 

“Do you remember?” Tanya teased. 

“It would be pretty hard to forget that,” I muttered. Oh yes, I definitely remembered that time I was pushed up against a wall in an elevator and Tanya more or less had shoved her hand down my underwear. I would never forget that. Nor would I forget all the things that had happened later in Tanya’s hotel room-

Ding!

My head jerked up at the sound of the elevator arriving at its destination. 

Tanya snickered. “Looks like we’re here.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, torn between feeling relieved and annoyed that my train of thoughts had been interrupted. I followed Tanya out of the elevator, down the hallway and towards room number 305. 

Tanya slid the keycard through the slit in the door and then pushed it open. I followed her inside the room and tried to keep my jaw in place. Yeah, this was one hell of a room. Big windows with lake view, an enormous canopy bed, and ditto flatscreen. 

“Wonderful,” Tanya said lightly, dumping her suitcase onto the floor and sitting down on the edge of the bed. She tore off the brown wig and let her own platinum blonde locks spill down her back. For some inexplainable reason, her hair was still straight and perfect. Had she not been my girlfriend, I would have been annoyed about it. She ran her fingers through her hair once and then stretched her arms above her head. I winced when I heard an audible crack from either her back or shoulders. 

“Careful,” I scolded. 

“Never,” she teased and scratched her scalp once. “I suppose we can relax for a little while before hitting the road again.”

I walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. “You wanna go to the hospital first thing?”

“Yes, I think that might be best,” Tanya replied. “Go and see how the old man is doing, and then I can show you all the sights.” 

“That sounds nice,” I said. “I mean, seeing all the sights.”

Tanya chuckled. “I’m sure it will be, my darling. I’m sure it will be.”

“And how many-“ I shifted a bit on the bed, so our thighs were touching. “-People would I be meeting at the hospital?”

“Elizabeth and Mary and Tina and Tom. And possibly Tom’s wife.”

“So, all of them.”

“Yes. Matthew is the family ‘patriarch’, so his failing health will undoubtedly have made everyone come together,” Tanya said, bitingly sarcastic at first, but then her attitude softened considerably as she looked at me. “Does that make you nervous? Meeting all of them?”

“Yeah, I mean...” I shifted again. “It’s your family.”

Tanya laughed bitterly. “No, it’s not, Mara. None of them have ever acted like my family. Well, except for Grace, perhaps, but that’s complicated too.”

I took her hand and interlaced our fingers. Just because I could. “What do you mean?” I asked gently. 

Tanya did this odd little shrugging gesture. “Grace doesn’t know that I’m gay. I was forbidden to tell her.”

“You’re not serious right now!”

She rolled her green eyes. “In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever not been serious?”

I ignored the jibe. She reacting because she was talking about something difficult. I understood that. “Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked softly. 

“Sure, why not,” Tanya said dryly and did that odd shrugging gesture again. “You already know that I came out at fourteen. Or, tried to at least. I was brushed off, and the whole thing was swept under the rug. But it was more than that. It turned into a dirty family secret. It was never mentioned again. I was forbidden to ever tell anyone, so I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut until I was seventeen and everything fell apart. You know, with my stay at the... hospital.” She trailed off, and I didn’t push her on it. I didn’t know that much about Tanya’s hospitalization at the psychiatric department when she was a teenager, only that it had been ‘really bad’. Her words exactly. 

“Anyway, when I was eighteen, Grace was born,” Tanya continued. “I spend quite a bit of time with her every time I came home to visit. She was very sweet, and she actually liked me.” she chuckled unamused. “But when Grace was eight, her mother, my cousin Tina, suddenly pulled me aside and told me that if I ever were to tell her daughter about my ‘depraved tendencies’ she would insure that I wouldn’t be spending time with her ever again. From that point on, good ol’ Cousin Tina never looked at me the same way.” another unamused laugh. “I don’t know whether Elizabeth or Matthew was the one to let it slip, but one of them told her that I’m gay. I’m not sure why though.”

“They really didn’t know?” I asked quietly. 

“Nope. Except for Matthew and Elizabeth, no one did. Not even Aunt Mary. And she and Matthew are pretty much as thick as thieves. She’s his older sister, so...”

I nodded as though to take that in, and then I asked: “so, when you show up at the hospital today....”

“Yes?”

“Is Grace gonna be there?” 

“I don’t know,” Tanya said. “Tina has always insisted on shielding her from life’s ugliness, so maybe she isn’t. But if she is...”

“You’d basically have to come out a second time.”

“No, not basically, Mara. I WOULD have to come out a second time.” Tanya scoffed. “Because I don’t think Gracie is allowed to read Juicy Bits.”

“And you’re....okay with that?” I already knew that was a dumb question. 

But Tanya smiled, leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I’m not ashamed over being who I am, Mara. Not anymore. And if our arrival at the hospital creates a scene...... Well, then it’s too fucking bad. Elizabeth was the one who called ME. She knows you exist, and if she can’t handle your presence....” she shrugged. “Then it’s not my problem. And it never has been.”

“I’m proud of you,” I told her. 

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.” I slipped an arm around her. “Very proud.” 

She chuckled. “Is it just me, or do we have a lot of moments?”

“We do, Goldstein. Part of being a couple,” I reminded her. 

She let out a sound that could have been a snort, and then she brought a hand up and rubbed a spot on the back of her head. 

I frowned. “Did you hurt yourself earlier?”

“Maybe a little bit,” Tanya admitted dryly. 

“You need ice or anything?”

“No,” now she was laughing at me. Like she so often did. “The only thing I need is lunch.” She reached across me and grabbed the hotel phone lying on the bedside table. She pushed one of the buttons and then waited while grinning at me. “The bed is nice, don’t you think, darling? I’m sure we’ll have plenty of fun here.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re right about tha-“

“Hello!” Tanya interrupted briskly and grinned cheekily at me before continuing the phone conversation: “this is Sarah Manson from room 305. Do you think it would be possible for you to provide us with a bit of lunch? We’re getting awfully hungry.”

I rolled my eyes at the way she expressed herself. So posh and refined. And rocking that British accent yet again. She was really doing a good job at that. I couldn’t wait to see her ‘in action’ when we went to England in a couple of months. I was still trying to wrap my head around that. The fact that we would be living in an old manor in the southern England. That was crazy. But it was going to be amazing. 

Obviously, Tanya was going to work hard while she was there, but we would still be together. And I got to see her all decked out in 1940’s clothes. That was really going to be something. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said to whoever she was talking to. “No, just send up a bit of this and that. We’re not picky. Great. Okay. Thanks again.” she ended the call and turned to me. “Lunch is on its way.”

“Awesome. Now can I please see if that bump on your head needs medical attention or not?”

She rolled her eyes but nevertheless let me have a look at the sore spot on her head. There was indeed a bump there, and I took great pleasure in fussing about it....

Once we’d had lunch, we were back in the car. Might seem like a lot after having only just stepped out of a five hour long flight from Los Angeles to Montana, but Tanya wanted to go to the hospital today. 

She had strongly hinted that she would visit once to get an update and once she knew exactly what was going on with Matthew’s health, that would be it. One visit would be enough, she claimed. And she kept hinting up until right before we got into the car, that it wasn’t too late for me to stay at the hotel. I plain refused that, of course. I wasn’t planning on letting her to this alone. 

She didn’t say much when we were back on the road. Five minutes into our one hour and forty seven minutes long drive to Central Montana Medical Center, Tanya asked if I could switch on some music, and so I did. I respected that she was antsy about the upcoming meeting with her family and didn’t feel very chatty at the moment. But I did appreciate the way she absentmindedly hummed along to the music on my phone. First it had been ‘Sweet Child Of Mine’, then ‘With or Without You’ and then ‘I Want To Break Free’. Not exactly the type of music Tanya usually listened to. She was more of a classic girl who liked Doris Day, Billie Holliday and Etta James. Yeah, there was definitely an old soul trapped within Tanya’s body. Someone who’d lived in the 1940’s or 50’s. A high class socialite or something like that. I had once told her her that, and she had laughed loudly, taking the joke one step further by claiming that she had been ‘a real life Carol Aird’. That I didn’t doubt. 

She kept humming along to the music. Now it just so happened to be ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’. According to Tanya, I had a ‘weird’ taste in music, and she was probably right about that. I liked mixing things up. I would never forget the look on Tanya’s face when we at some point went from ‘Time After Time’ to ‘Despacito’. She had looked like someone who had just swallowed something incredibly sour. But she didn’t look like that now. She looked relatively calm. No bouncy leg or anything. She was just not particularly chatty today. And that was okay.

I looked out of the window. I had never been in Montana before. It was quite beautiful here. Well, as beautiful as a road could be, anyway. I was looking forward to seeing the ‘real’ Montana. The mountains and all that. I had googled plenty of pictures prior to our journey, and I had been very impressed at what I was seeing. Tanya had grown up in a very beautiful place. That couldn’t be denied. The landscape truly was stunning. All steep mountains and deep valleys. A beautiful paradise. Too bad that the people around Tanya hadn’t lived up to it all that. It was difficult to wrap your head around. That such terrible people could live in such a beautiful place. 

I smiled a little as Tanya quietly hummed along to the song. I was glad to see that she wasn’t as much on edge as she had been earlier today.......

“Can I ask you something?” I said a little later. We had been driving in silence for a long time. 

“I think you already are.”

“Har, har, har.”

“Ask away, darling,” Tanya encouraged and adjusted the mirror slightly. She had actually been driving pretty decently. 

“Where’s the farm?” I asked curiously. “Matthew and Elizabeth’s, I mean.”

“Red Lodge,” Tanya replied. “It’s a pretty nice place.”

“The town or the farm?”

“Well, both actually,” she said lightly. “Moonlight Farm is not bad at all.”

“Moonlight Farm,” I repeated. That sounded pretty nice. 

“Yep, that’s it’s name. Big place. In the middle of nowhere. Mountains and valleys. Not bad at all. At least not the view.”

I nodded a bit absentmindedly, biting my tongue not to tell her how much I wanted to see her childhood home. That was a selfish wish on my part. I already knew that wasn’t possible. Tanya wasn’t able to bring me back to her childhood home. My thoughts turned a bit melancholic, and I could probably have said something dripping sentimental if it hadn’t been for my phone vibrating in my pocket. Now I fished the phone out of my pocket and checked the message. I immediately smiled upon reading the words. “My mom sends her love,” I told Tanya. 

“Aww,” Tanya cooed. “Tell her I send some back.”

“I’ll do that.” I smiled as I texted my mom back. Of course I had told my mom about the development with Tanya’s parents. Tanya had given me her blessing to do so. She trusted my mom completely. It was quite sweet, witnessing how my mom and my girlfriend had found each other and become buddies. My mom had actually developed a habit of calling Tanya just to ‘chitchat’. At first it had freaked me out because I had been afraid it would be too much, too soon. But Tanya had brushed my concern aside and called my mom ‘positively wonderful’. I had shut up then. And accepted that my mom and   
Tanya now were buddies, and that Tanya would rat on me to my mom if and when she felt like doing so. I always pretended that annoyed me, but I was secretly pleased to witness my mom and Tanya bonding like they did. 

“Are you gonna find us some more music or what?” Tanya asked, interrupted my train of thoughts. 

“What do you wanna hear?” I inquired.

“Find me some Doris Day. No more noise, please.”

I mock gasped. “Are you calling Cyndi Lauper noise?!”

“Yes. I am. Now find me some Doris Day, cupcake.”

I rolled my eyes at the pet name and then found her some Doris Day....

But when we reached Central Montana Medical Center, the joke was over. Tanya was every bit serious and her mouth was drawn into a thin line as we went inside the building. Her high heels clicked   
against the floor as she went, and ‘her’ dark locks billowed behind her. She could have seemed aloof or maybe even frosty if it hadn’t been for the way her fingers were still interlaced with mine. She was still holding my hand, and I was relived about that. I had sort of been fearing that the upcoming meeting with her ‘family’ would make her skittish, but apparently that was not the case. 

Inside the hospital, we walked through a labyrinth of hallways in order to find correct unit. Which was a bit like being in the middle of a complicated computer game. There was a lot of different hallways, and it was almost impossible to find the correct one. Tanya and I ended up going the wrong way twice, and I had a feeling that she was making mistakes because she was stressed. My heart ached for her, and I so wished I could say something that would make things just a little bit easier for her. But I wasn’t quite sure which words would be the right ones. This was a completely new situation for me. And for her. She had never been called home like this before. Soon we were in an elevator, then another, and I could tell that Tanya was growing more and more agitated by the second.

“Complicated, huh?” I said, trying my best to make some small talk before ‘showtime’. 

“Mhmm,” was all Tanya said. Now she seemed on edge again. Jittery. Agitated, even, and she more or less tugged me along into the next elevator. The third one so far. And hopefully it would be the right one. I wasn’t sure my girlfriend’s nerves could handle anymore. 

Tanya sighed impatiently as the elevator, mumbling something that sounded like “come on, you stupid old elevator! Hurry up.”

I gave her hand a soft squeeze. Just to remind her that I was there. It didn’t take long before I felt her squeeze back. 

The elevator dinged, and Tanya and I stepped out. To a completely new ward, new hallways and a flood of doctors and patients walking around. 

Tanya sighed frustrated and her voice was somewhat sharp when she said: “oh, for fucks sake! This is impossible. Come on!”

I followed her as she trotted over to the nearest desk where a receptionist undoubtedly resided. Though not right now. The receptionist was absent from her post, and Tanya sighed again. I was surprised that she didn’t drum her fingers on the desk. 

“What a labyrinth this place is,” I mumbled. 

“You don’t say,” she half-snipped, but squeezed my hand as she spoke, clearly to show that it wasn’t directed at me. 

“Do you think they have a vending machine somewhere? One of them with plenty of chocolate bars?” I asked in an attempt to lift her spirit a little. 

It worked. She chuckled. “You hungry again?”

“When it comes to chocolate, always,” I assured her with a grin. 

She squeezed my hand again. “I’ll help you find some chocolate afterwards. Something sweet for my sweet.”

I laughed at her joke. ”You know, I quite fancy being your sweet.”

“Is that so?”

“Oh yeah. Definitely.”

Tanya looked like she wanted to respond to my partial flirting, but unfortunately, she was interrupted by the receptionist returning to her post. The second receptionist we had met today. This woman was older and more professional looking. ‘Joanne’, her nametag said. 

“How may I help you?” she asked and looked at both of us over her thick rimmed glasses. 

“I’m looking for the intensive care unit,” Tanya said shortly. “I’m visiting a patient there.” 

The receptionist looked skeptically at Tanya. “And who might that patient be, miss?”

Tanya sighed. “Matthew..... Fleming. He suffered a stroke a few days ago.”

I tilted my head as I looked at her. Fleming. So that was the last name she had scrapped from her birth certificate at quite the young age. Tanya... Fleming? No. It didn’t fit her. She would always be Tanya Goldstein to me no matter what. 

“And how are you related to Mr. Fleming?” the haughty receptionist asked. 

“I’m his....” Tanya clearly struggled. She cleared her throat and I could feel her fingers flutter slightly between mine. I gave them a little squeeze again. I was here. I was right here. I wasn’t going anywhere. Not now, not ever. 

“I’m his daughter,” Tanya finally said, stiffly and tonelessly. 

“I see. Down the yellow hallway and to your left, miss Fleming,” the receptionist said mechanically, and I swear I could see Tanya’s shoulders stiffen at that. The receptionist didn’t recognize her. Of course she didn’t. And of course she referred to her as ‘miss Fleming’. She had to. But oh, how I wish she hadn’t! It was obviously making Tanya uncomfortable.

“Thank you,” Tanya said nevertheless and then gave me a little tug towards the yellow hallway. 

I followed her, and as soon as we were out of earshot, I whispered: “let’s do this, Goldstein.”

The look of pure gratitude on Tanya’s face was worth a million bucks....


	23. Meet The Parents 2.0

We neared the yellow hallway, and as we got closer, I spotted a rather ugly brown door which probably was leading into some kind of waiting room where the patients relatives could hang out while they waited to hear news about the patient. I felt a flutter of anxiety in my belly. Was Tanya’s entire family in there?

“Right then,” Tanya said lightly. “I better go in there and be everyone’s personal boogeyman. You know, like popping up when least expected?”

“You are NOT a-“

“I was KIDDING,” she interrupted with a slight scoff. “Lighten up.”

Cracking jokes was a very well known method to cover up for one’s anxiety, but I still didn’t like when Tanya referred to herself as a ‘boogeyman’. Not even as a joke.

“Or maybe I’m more of a Freddy Krueger type,” she continued with a dry chuckle. “Everyone’s personal nightmare.”

“Tanya-“

“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you,” she joked as she crooked her fingers to make them represent claws. “Three, four, better lock your door...”

“You are literally so unfunny,” I told her. But I still stood on my tippy toes, so I was tall enough to give her jaw a slight peck. I didn’t really care that this was a hospital. I kissed my girlfriend whenever I wanted to, damnit!

“I’m hilarious and you know it,” Tanya dismissed, but she nevertheless smiled at the affection I was showing her. She whipped out her little mirror and inspected her face. “You know, you could have just asked me how you look,” I dryly pointed out. 

“You’re biased and I don’t believe your opinion,” she teased as she used her free hand to fluff up her hair. “My god, I hate I this wig. It washes me out completely!”

“It does not. You look brilliant!”

She scoffed. “I look like some pale.... vampire.”

“Oooh,” I cooed. “You could totally play a vampire!”

She closed her mirror with a little click. “I’m not gonna take on roles just to satisfy your fetishes, darling.”

“I don’t have a vampire fetish!” I protested. 

Tanya laughed shamelessly as she slipped the little round mirror back in her pocket. “Sure you don’t.”

“I do not!”

She ignored me and glanced towards the brown door. “Should we go and do this thing?”

I nodded. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

But before we got the chance to even move an inch, a blue door opposite to where we were standing opened, and a woman appeared in the yellow hallway. She was very tall, was wearing light wash ‘mom’-jeans and a flowery tunic. Her steel grey hair was gathered in a tight bun, and she had a very serious face. Her face was lined, and she had crow’s feet around her eyes. I guessed she was in her late sixties or early seventies. She looked very neat and tidy. Not a speck of dust on her clothes. Her jaw was a bit more protruding, but apart from that, her facial features were quite similar to Tanya’s. I watched as the woman stopped abruptly upon seeing us. Her eyes were blue, but she really did look like Tanya quite a lot. Was this Tanya’s mother? 

“Oh,” the woman said, looking both surprised and skeptical. She clearly hadn’t expected to see Tanya here. 

“Hello, Mary,” Tanya greeted with that steely politeness I recognized from the first time I interviewed her. 

I looked at the woman. Not Tanya’s mother then. But her aunt. Aunt Mary. I chewed on the inside of my cheek. She didn’t look like a very nice woman. I didn’t like the way her upper lip curled in disdain when she looked at Tanya. The random thought that her cutesy, flowery tunic didn’t match her attitude flittered through my mind. 

“You’re here,” Mary observed and folded her arms across her chest. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I found room in my calendar,” Tanya replied, non-bothered by Mary’s attitude. And she shouldn’t be. I knew for a fact that Tanya could ice queen the hell out of Mary if she needed to.

Mary’s eyes darted from Tanya to me, and ta-dah, there was that curl of her upper lip again. 

“Oh, this is my girlfriend, Mara,” Tanya said helpfully, and I swear she put a little extra pressure on the word ‘girlfriend’. “But I’m sure you already know that.”

“I saw the interview,” Mary said tightly. Now she looked like she had swallowed acid. Like talking about the infamous interview caused her physical pain. 

“Excellent, you’re all up to speed then,” Tanya said briskly. “Mara, this is Mary. My aunt.”

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” I said. Being nice to that witchy aunt was bringing ME physical pain, but I could act civilized. I could be nice to Aunt Mary even if she was an old bat.

Mary’s only reaction to my greeting was the slightest tremor in her jaw. It was like she couldn’t even look at me, and it didn’t take long before she fixated her gaze at Tanya. “Does your mother know that you’re here?”

“No. She does not,” Tanya said tightly. 

Mary shot me the quickest look again, then looked back at Tanya and said steely: “Your mother is very fragile right now. I think it would be better not to shock her.”

Tanya shook her head and clicked her tongue. “Let me guess... By not bringing Mara into the room with me, am I right?”

Mary’s jaw clenched again. Clearly, that was exactly what she had been implying. 

“Oh, Mary, Mary,” Tanya half-chuckled and shook her head again. “Thankfully, that is not something you decide.” She gave my hand a gentle little tug. “Come on, Mara. Let’s go in there and see what’s going on. Mary, always a pleasure talking to you.”

It was my greatest pleasure to turn my back on nasty old aunt Mary. Man, what an absolute... No, I wasn’t even gonna think that word about her. She wasn’t worth it. But if the rest of Tanya’s family was just half as nasty as her, this was gonna be interesting.

Tanya put her free hand on the doorknob and pressed it down. The brown door opened, and she stepped inside closely followed by me. 

The room was definitely a waiting room. The walls were painted a terrible green pastel, and the seven plushy, orange chairs did definitely not fit in here. Made to be comfortable and not stylish. There was a vending machine that offered coffee and tea and other hot beverages, and another vending machine that offered candy and chocolate bar. I could see another door and a big window currently covered by a white curtain. So Tanya’s father was in a private room of his own. 

There were people sitting in three of the ugly, plushy chairs, and all of them looked up when we came inside the waiting room. One woman and two men. The woman looked to be Tanya’s age. She had light brown hair and blue eyes. That had to be Tanya’s cousin, Tina. The guy on her right looked like her. Same light brown hair and blue eyes. Her brother, and Tanya’s other cousin, Tom. Tina was wearing dark blue stone wash jeans, cowboy boots and a simple black t-shirt with no logos. Her brown hair been pulled into a messy bun on top of her head. Tom, who looked like a carbon copy of his sister, was also dressed similar to her. Jeans, black t-shirt and a denim jacket rolled up to his elbows. A Stetson had was laying abandoned on the little table in front of him, and I thought to myself that I actually blended in pretty well in my flannel shirt and jeans. Tanya was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb. And perhaps the man sitting on Tina’s left side. His hair was sandy blonde, he was wearing chinos, not jeans, and a white button down. The sleeves had been rolled up to his elbows, but it was still pretty obvious that he wasn’t ‘from here’. I assumed that was Tina’s husband. I didn’t know his name, but I guessed I would in a second. 

“Good morning,” Tanya said reserved but nevertheless politely. She glanced around before settling on the two chairs that were the farthest away from the spot where her cousins were sitting. “Should we go and sit over there?”

It took me a second to realize that she was talking to me. I found my voice and said: “Yeah, sure.”

Tanya didn’t let go of my hand as we crossed the waiting room. We sat down in the plushy chairs, and Tanya raised an eyebrow. “You know, these are not bad,” she said as she adjusted and elegantly crossed her legs. 

“No, not the worst chairs ever,” I agreed. You could actually take a little nap in this thing of a chair. That’s how comfortable it was. 

Tanya chuckled, and for a moment it was exactly like it always was when I was with her. Funny and lighthearted. 

“Your mother didn’t mention that you were coming home,” Tina said, breaking the illusion of this being an ordinary day. 

“That’s because I haven’t told her, but here I am. Ta-dah.” Tanya said lightly and then reached out and squeezed my hand lightly. After a second, she released my hand and did a little gesture with her own hand towards the three people looking at us. “Mara, this is my cousin Tina, my other cousin Tom and Tina’s husband, Stephen.”

“Hey,” I greeted them. 

Tina and Tom didn’t react to that in any way, but Stephen leaned forward slightly and said: “hello, Mara.”

Tina glared at her husband, but said husband just shrugged in response and ignored her glaring. Next to me, Tanya raised an eyebrow. She clearly hadn’t expected that.

“It’s good to meet you,” Stephen continued, voice firm, and gaze fixated on me and not on Tina and Tom who both glared at him. 

“It’s good to meet you too,” I said surprised, discreetly side eying Tanya in the hope of an explanation. Maybe this was some super complicated scheme on Stephen’s part.

But Tanya just shrugged lightly as to show me she had no idea what Stephen was playing at. “Is Elizabeth in there?” she asked, nodding towards the door leading into Matthew’s private room. 

“Yes,” Tina said and looked like it was physically painful to answer Tanya. 

I scoffed quietly to myself. Nice. Tina was definitely Mary’s daughter. 

“Very well then,” Tanya said lightly and flashed me a smile. “You need anything from the vending machine, darling?”

“No, I’m fine.” 

“You’re sure?” she asked, voice soft like it always was, and I was relieved. I had sort of been fearing that the way she was around me would change when she was near her family. 

“Yeah, I am sure,” I replied. “And if I really do need anything, I can grab it myself. The vending machine is right there.”

“Maybe I was trying to be gallant,” Tanya chuckled. 

“Oh,” I laughed quietly. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad. I’ll make sure to tell you when I need anything from the vending machine so you can walk the excruciating ten steps over to it.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure I’d have to go further than that,” Tanya chuckled. “The damn thing is broken.”

“Oh,” I echoed, now spotting the little note taped to the vending machine, stating that the machine was indeed ‘out of order’.

Tanya snickered for a moment. But then she quickly turned her head and looked at Tom. “Tom, is there something you’d like to say to Mara?” she asked almost sweetly.

“No,” Tom said with a huff and the slightest tighten of his jaw.

“Then I suggest you stop glaring at her,” Tanya continued flatly. “Glare at me, I don’t give a damn, but kindly keep my girlfriend out of the family feud. She’s here and she’s not going anywhere, so pack your stares far, far away.”

“You’ve got some nerve,” Tom hissed. 

“And I definitely didn’t come here to argue with you either,” Tanya calmly stated. “I’ve got better things to do than engaging in THAT.”

“Are you sure coming back here was the smartest idea?” Tina asked, obviously trying to come to her brother’s aid.

“No, but what done is done,” Tanya answered nonplussed and grabbed one of the magazines laying on the table. 

“It’ll upset auntie Lizzie that you’re here!” Tina hissed. “Don’t you think she has enough on her plate right now?! She doesn’t need any more trouble!”

“Hey!” I snarled, but I was stopped by a gentle hand on my arm. 

“For your information, dear cousin of mine,” Tanya said crisply. “Elizabeth was the one to reach out to ME. Believe me, this....most delightful family reunion is not my idea.”

“Auntie Lizzie would never-“

“Has she adopted you yet then?” Tanya interrupted icily, flicking through the magazine harshly. “You always were her favorite.”

Tina’s jaw tightened. “I’m glad Grace is not here today!”

“No, god forbid that she should run into her queer aunt, isn’t that right, Tina?” Tanya said almost briskly. “Good to know that you’re still singing the same old song I’ve heard a million times already. But you know what’s different this time around? I don’t give a damn.”

“Do you have any idea how hard things were for uncle Matty and Aunt Lizzie after you gave that tasteless interview?” Tina hissed. 

“Oh, you mean the interview where I came out?” Tanya said sweetly. “Well, I only told the truth. Parts of it, anyway. I could have said far worse if I had really gone into details about everything.”

“They struggled for months afterwards!”

Tanya’s head snapped up and her green eyes narrowed as she stared her cousin down. “And I’ve been struggling for fourteen YEARS. How about that?”

“You are-“

“Yes, what will you think of next?” Tanya interrupted. “What clever words will come out of your mouth this time, Tina? Perhaps the accusation that I’m responsible for Matthew winding up in the hospital? That does sound like something you’d say...”

Tina kept her mouth shut. Wise decision. Tanya looked just about ready to tear her down. I lightly put my hand on Tanya’s knee and thoroughly ignored the prickling sensation telling me that Tina was staring me down. Staring us down. 

A tense, uncomfortable silence fell over the waiting room. Tanya was flicking through the magazine, but I doubted that she was actually reading anything. I glanced at the glossy pages, did a double take on the young woman in the flowery dress and then asked: “isn’t that Mercy?”

“It is,” Tanya nodded and smiled faintly as she looked at the picture. “She’s holidaying in Mauritius.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Mmm, she actually asked if we wanted to tag along in a week’s time, but with everything that’s going on, I had to decline. I hope you don’t mind that.”

“Nah, it’s all good. We can go to Mauritius some other time,” I joked. 

“Well, I don’t see why not,” Tanya shrugged. “If that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do.”

I snickered. “Saying no was sensible. I mean, you do have a movie to shoot in England in a couple of months.”

“Mmm.”

“You’re shooting a movie in England?” Stephen asked, surprising us both by cutting in. And surprising his wife too it would seem. Tina glared at him. 

“I am,” Tanya confirmed. 

“Which genre?” Stephen continued curiously. 

Tina glared at him again. 

“It’s a... a thriller,” Tanya replied and for the first time she sounded just a little bit insecure. 

“Oh, that sounds interesting,” Stephen said. 

“Yes, it’s gonna be quite different from ‘Love Me Not’.”

“Yeah, I can imagine so,” Tina’s husband said. He was even smiling as he spoke. 

I eyed him curiously and got the sense that this guy could be on ‘our’ side. Tanya hadn’t mentioned that, and I figured she hadn’t known. Maybe some kind of other family feud between Tina and Stephen had been going on in the months Tanya hadn’t spoken to her parents. I found that to be quite likely, actually. I eyed Tina and thought to myself that I had a pretty good idea what her problem was. She was jealous of Tanya. It was almost painfully obvious. At least it was to me. I wasn’t sure whether Tanya was aware of it or not. 

The door to the private room, and out stepped a woman. Early sixties from what I could determine. She had tried to mask her age by dying her hair a shade of honey brown, but the white roots rapidly growing out revealed her. Her shoulder length hair had been tied back in a high ponytail, and she was wearing an ankle length grey dress with sleeves covering her elbows. And a rather prominent golden cross in a long chain around her neck. Her eyes were a light shade of green, not quite like another shade of green I found myself staring at on a daily basis, but almost. Those eyes and the very slightly familiar shape of her nose was just about the only thing that made this woman recognizable to me. She did not look like Tanya. Not even in the slightest. Where Tanya was tall and had that infamous ‘hourglass’ figure going on, Elizabeth was short and stockier built. Apple shaped, I had once heard Ingrid call it. And if she had said it, it must have been true. I gave Elizabeth a second glance. I couldn’t get over how little resemblance she bore to Tanya. I had expected this very tall, intimidating and regal looking woman, and instead this was what met my eyes. The fact that Elizabeth was so small was screwing with my head. Because boy was she ever tiny! About 5’3 or maybe even smaller. With her impressive 6’1, Tanya could easily tower above her mother. She was at least two heads taller. Or perhaps even two and a half. How the fuck could Tanya even be related to this woman? Had I been more naïve, and if it hadn’t been for the slightly familiar shape of Elizabeth’s nose, I would have suspected that Tanya was adopted. 

“Elizabeth,” Tanya dryly said in greeting. 

Elizabeth’s eyes bulged slightly when she looked at her daughter. She was clearly surprised to see Tanya.

“How is he doing?” Tanya asked, unphased by her mother’s silence. “Better, worse or the same?”

Elizabeth still didn’t say anything. She looked like she had trouble with finding her voice. 

“I assume it’s serious,” Tanya dully continued, uncrossing and crossing her legs. The only visible sign that she was antsy about seeing her mother for the first time in a long while. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out to me. Though I must admit that I am surprised you even did call me. I was under the impression that you had no interest in seeing me?” 

Elizabeth still didn’t say anything, and I noted that Tina was starting to look rather smug. Maybe she didn’t believe that Elizabeth was the one who had called Tanya. I was literally so close to punching that chick and wiping the smirk of her face. I could totally take her out. She was roughly the same size as Beth, and knocking her to the ground had been fairly easy. I would take great pleasure in punching Tina right across her stupid face-

“Tammie-Rose,” Elizabeth said, interrupting my train of murderous thoughts when she finally found her voice. “You came.”

Tammie-Rose? For a ridiculous second, I didn’t understand who Elizabeth was speaking to, but just as fast, I pieced things together. Tammie wasn’t just any old fake name Tanya had used. It was an... actual name.   
I glanced quickly at my girlfriend. Tammie-Rose Fleming? Nah, I couldn’t get that to fit. She would never be anyone else than Tanya Goldstein to me. And she clearly didn’t like the name either. I could tell that she was uncomfortable. Her mouth was drawn into a thin line, and her forehead was wrinkled.

“Yes,” she said stiffly. “So, how is he? Better? Worse?” 

“The same,” Elizabeth. “He’s still... he’s still unconscious. The doctor isn’t sure when...” she trailed off as she looked at me. 

“Mara, this is Elizabeth, Elizabeth, this is Mara,” Tanya quickly introduced. “But I don’t suppose I need to tell you exactly who she is, do I?”

“No, Tammie-Rose. You do not,” Elizabeth said, and I could see that she was cringing. Most likely because Tanya had referred to her by name and not by title. 

“That has not been my name for years now,” Tanya said sharply. “And you know it.” 

“It is difficult for me to remember,” Elizabeth said stiffly, gaze still resting on me. 

“Hi,” I said and bared my teeth in a smile that was only partially sarcastic. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t behave entirely now that I finally was face to face with Tanya’s mother. Whom to my irritation looked a lot softer than I had expected. Perhaps it would have been easier for me to hate her if she had been some tall ice queen like woman. No, scrap that, it would have been WAY easier for me to hate her if she had looked as terrible as I had imagined her to be. 

“I thought you would be coming alone,” Elizabeth said, and bam, NOW I could see the that woman I despised.

“No, I decided to invite Mara,” Tanya calmly replied. 

“Yes, so I see.”

“And I’m guessing you have a problem with that?” Tanya said and let out a dry laughter. 

Elizabeth didn’t answer. She only pressed her lips together, and now I could see the faint resemblance between her and Tanya. There was a moment where mother and daughter were looking at one another. Tanya still looked exceptionally calm with her ankles crossed, but I could see that she deep down was prepared for battle. Elizabeth’s expression was a bit harder to read, but I could tell that she was not too happy I was there.

Then the staring contest was interrupted when the door opened, and Mary stepped into the room. “Elizabeth,” she said, voice honey sweet with concern. “What did the doctor say about my brother?” 

“There is no change,” Elizabeth replied. She was not looking at her sister-in-law. She was looking at Tanya. 

“He will wake up soon,” Mary said firmly. “I have faith.”

“We all have,” Tom added, backing up his mother’s words. 

“Matthew has always been a strong man,” Elizabeth agreed, fingers wandering to the large cross she was wearing around her neck. “I’d like a moment to speak to my daughter, please.” 

Neither Tina nor Tom or Mary for that matter looked particularly thrilled about that, but Mary still gestured to her adult children and Stephen. All three of them stood from the plushy orange chairs, Stephen mumbled something about getting a cup of coffee, and Tina shot her aunt a fond look. “We’ll be right outside if you need us, auntie Lizzie.”

I felt tempted to say something biting in response. The way she said it make it sound like Tanya was some monster Elizabeth needed to be rescued from. 

“Thank you, dear,” Elizabeth said and flashed her niece a smile. 

Tina, Tom, Stephen and Mary made themselves scarce. Now it was just Tanya, Elizabeth and I left in the waiting room. Tanya shifted a bit in the plushy orange chair. Looking at Elizabeth with this ice cold politeness I knew so well. 

“As I said, I’d like a moment in private with my daughter,” Elizabeth said stiffly as she looked at me. 

“Yeah, you know what, I’m not going anywhere,” I said frankly and shrugged lightly. I didn’t know what Elizabeth wanted to talk with Tanya about, but I did know that I wasn’t planning on leaving my girlfriend alone with one of the people who had hurt her so gruesomely. 

“Mara and I don’t have secrets for one another,” Tanya added, putting her hand lightly over mine. “Whatever it is you have to say to me, you can say in front of her.”  
To put a big fat line underneath that, I interlaced our fingers a bit more properly. 

Elizabeth looked visibly uncomfortable at that. Her fingers sought out the golden cross around her neck again. 

“So, what is it?” Tanya asked dryly. “Something wrong with the farm?”

“No,” Elizabeth said and shook her head. 

“What then? You put my horse down?” Tanya raised an eyebrow. “No?”

Elizabeth shook her head again. 

“Is this some kind of guessing game?” Tanya asked unamused. “Did Matthew write me out of his will? No, wait, he did that several years ago, didn’t he?”

I clenched my jaw. Was she serious right now?! Had her father really done that?!

“Oh, I know,” Tanya snapped her fingers once. “You’re finally adopting Tina so you can get the perfect daughter-“

“For gods sake, Tammie-Ro-”

”It’s Tanya!” Tanya sharply interrupted. “It has been Tanya for many years, and it always will be. It’s either that or it’s nothing!”

Elizabeth visibly recoiled at that. “Your father is the one who wants you here.”

“Excuse me, what?” Tanya said. There was that cold politeness again.

“That was the last thing he said before slipping into a coma,” Elizabeth said tightly. “That he wanted to see you.”

“That so?” Tanya said and sounded just a little less icy. “And what, pray tell, does he want from me?”

“I don’t know,” Elizabeth said stiffly. “But I respected his wish.”

“Yeah, I bet you did.”

“You ARE his daughter after all.”

Tanya laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I especially felt the loving, father-daughter bond when he called me a ‘dyke’ and banned me from coming home. Really warmed my heart. One of the moments I’ll remember forever, I’m sure.”

Now I was the one to recoil. The one to cringe and clench my fist. 

Elizabeth moistened her top lip with the tip of her tongue. “I’m aware that certain....things have been said, but you must understand what a shock it was to your father and I-“

“You and Matthew had fourteen years to get used to the idea, Elizabeth,” Tanya dully interrupted. “This is not something I’m just springing on you without any warning. This is something you’ve both known since I was a teenager.”

“But you were just a child,” Elizabeth said, fingers worrying the golden cross again. 

“Age isn’t what matters,” I heard myself say. “What matters is what you feel. There is no such thing as being too young. Not really.” Oops. I had just totally interjected myself into a conversation between Tanya and Elizabeth. Maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing. 

But Tanya merely smiled at me. “What Mara said,” she said simply. 

Elizabeth’s fingers glided over the golden cross. More than a necklace. It was clearly a security blanket of sorts for her. “I don’t understand you, Tam- Tanya,” she said simply. “I don’t understand this urge to be... to be different.”

“It’s not an urge to be different, Elizabeth,” Tanya replied tiredly. “It’s an urge to be who I am. I refuse to be unhappy for the rest of my life.”

“I’ve never wanted you to be unhappy!” Elizabeth protested immediately. “Of course I want you to be happy!”

“Yeah, but only if its with a man, right?” Tanya said tonelessly. 

Elizabeth pressed her lips together. “That is how things are supposed to be. That is what’s natural.”

Tanya sighed. “Mmm, I figured you’d say something like that. What’s natural and what isn’t. It’ll always come down to that, won’t it? You still think it’s a question of choosing between your faith and your daughter. Why won’t you realize that you can in fact have both?”

“It’s a sin,” Elizabeth said and sounded more sad than angry. She was now tugging at the cross pendant. “You are living in sin. You are going against God’s-”

“Yeah, well,” Tanya stood abruptly from the plushy orange chair. “It’s puzzling that living in sin can make you feel so happy, isn’t it?” she outstretched her hand towards me, and I took it without questioning it. I had assumed that she would be tugging me towards the door, but instead she made a little gesture with her head towards the door leading into her father’s private room. “Do you want to come with me in there?”

I nodded. If I could handle meeting her mother, I could handle seeing her comatose father too. 

“The white roses that arrived this morning,” Elizabeth said when Tanya had already put her hand on the doorknob. 

“What about them?” Tanya asked tonelessly. 

“Where did they come from? There wasn’t any card attached to the bouquet.”

Tanya turned her head and glanced briefly at Elizabeth. “Where do you think they came from? How many people knows that Matthew likes roses?” with that she opened the door to the private room and pulled me inside with her. 

There he was, Matthew Fleming, Tanya’s father. Fast asleep with oxygen in his nostrils and a tube coming out of his mouth. A thick mop of silver grey hair. Hair loss clearly wasn’t something he needed to worry about. Had his hair been blonde when he was younger? I could easily imagine that. There wasn’t a shed of doubt that this man was Tanya’s father. The resemblance between them was absolutely striking. Same jaw, same chin, same nose. The same full lips. I imagined that his eyes were emerald green. Tanya had inherited everything from her father. Which probably didn’t make things any easier for her.

“Oh boy, what a mess,” Tanya said frankly, and I wasn’t completely sure whether she was referring to her family situation or the state her father currently was in. Her heels clicked as she walked over to his bedside table and inspected the lavish bouquet of white roses standing in a vase there. It was a very beautiful bouquet. 

“You send him roses,” I said softly. 

“Yes,” she said simply, touching the petals. “They look very nice, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. They do.”

“Frank did good,” Tanya continued. “I’ll have to give him a raise.”

That made me smile for a second. “I didn’t know you had sent him flowers.”

“Who? Frank?”

“Tanya.”

She shrugged, sobered up. “I feared that they would only wither on the drive here. That would have been a shame. So I had Frank arrange a bouquet.” She glanced at her sleeping father. “Do you think there’s any chance he can hear us?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t got a medical degree.”

“Har, har, har.”

I walked over to her and gently took her hand once more. “But I can leave,” I said softly. “I mean, if there’s something you’d like to say to him-“

“God no,” Tanya interrupted and let out a dry chuckle. “I don’t have anything I want to say to him, and I’m not the sentimental type, Mara. You should know that by now. No, it’s all down to nature now. Two options. Either it gets better or it gets worse. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. 

She looked at me with those green eyes of her. “Is this very strange for you?”

“No,” I said automatically. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow. 

“I mean, this is not exactly how I imagined to meet Elizabeth and Matthew-“

“I imagined that you would never meet them.”

“-But I’m actually kinda glad that I’ve met them,” I finished the sentence. “Even if it is untraditional.”

Another dry laughter. “Yeah, you got that right.”

The door opened and a young nurse with dark hair stepped inside the room. She smiled at me and then at Tanya. “Hello, I’m nurse Thompson. I’ve been taking care of Mr. Fleming since he arrived. You must be Mr. Fleming’s daughter, right?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Tanya confirmed. “I arrived in Montana earlier today. And this is my girlfriend, Mara.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Mara,” the nurse smiled. 

I smiled too as I greeted her. It was like Tanya couldn’t pass the opportunity of introducing me as her girlfriend. She just had to do it.

“So, how is he?” Tanya asked and nodded towards her father.

“There isn’t much change from yesterday,” nurse Thompson said. “We’re keeping him in a medical induced coma to lessen the pressure on his brain.”

“Is it possible to say when he’ll wake up? If he does wake up, that is.”

“I’m afraid we can’t really estimate an exact time, but your father was brought in at the right time. There’s plenty of reason to be optimistic, miss Goldstein.”

Miss Goldstein. I couldn’t hold back a little smile. 

“But he won’t exactly be the same, will he?” Tanya continued. “He’ll have trouble with speaking, and there’s a risk he’ll be paralyzed too, isn’t that right?”

“That is unfortunately one of the risks if you have a stroke, yes,” nurse Thompson nodded. “But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Rest assure that your father will be provided for in every way,   
miss Goldstein.”

Tanya nodded and smiled faintly at the nurse. Then she looked back at her unconscious father. 

“It’s good that you could get here so quickly, miss Goldstein,” nurse Thompson said kindly as she smoothened Matthew’s covers. “He asked for you before we put him to sleep.”

“Yes, so I’ve heard,” Tanya muttered without taking her eyes off her sleeping father.

Nurse Thompson checked up on something on one of the machines monitoring Tanya’s father, and then she quietly left the room again. Tanya didn’t react to the door being closed. Or to nurse Thompson leaving. She just kept looking at her father. So did I. Matthew looked quite peaceful. If it hadn’t been for the tube in his mouth, it would be easy to assume that he was merely asleep with his hands above   
the cover. His hands were almost golden, most likely from working many hours in the sunshine. His hands looked strong. Surprisingly young. And familiar. A bit bigger, but still so similar to Tanya’s hands. I had not expected her to look so much like her father. 

“What a fucking mess,” Tanya said and then chuckled slightly. “If he was awake right now, he would undoubtedly have told me off for cursing.”

I chuckled too, and as I saw Tanya look at her sick father, I realized something. She had once been a ‘daddy’s girl’. I could see it in her eyes. Before the fighting, before she told him the truth about herself, there had been a time where she’d had a close relationship with her father. He had probably been the one she had come to as a child. The first person to receive hugs from her. The first person she had come to when she was upset or wanted to tell something. An enormous lump unexpectedly formed in my throat. I knew it was silly, but sometimes I forgot that Tanya had been a kid too. She spoke so little of her childhood, and she had literally re-invented herself. Had gone from Tammie-Rose Fleming to Tanya Goldstein. She had become a completely different person. I kept my gaze locked on her. I knew Tanya Goldstein. Knew her well. Hell, I probably knew Tanya Goldstein better than anyone else did. But I did not know Tammie-Rose Fleming. I hadn’t even known she existed until today. Would Tanya tell me a bit about Tammie-Rose if I asked her? Or was it one of the things she preferred not to talk about?

“Let’s get back to the hotel,” Tanya said, waking from her trance and interrupting my train of thoughts. “I’m getting a banger headache, and I’ve had my dose of Elizabeth and the other’s. Are you ready to leave?”

“Ready when you are, Goldstein,” I assured. 

“Excellent.” She took my hand again and we walked towards the door, but halfway there, Tanya suddenly stopped and said over her shoulder: “don’t take a turn for the worse overnight, old man. It’s a long drive.” Then she opened the door and gently pulled me with her without another word.


	24. Phone Calls

Mary had re-entered the waiting room when Tanya and I emerged from Matthew’s room. Where Tina, Tom and Stephen were, I did not know. And I didn’t really care either.

Elizabeth very briefly looked at me, but she was only talking to Tanya when she said: “Do you think you will come back tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” Tanya said frostily. “I might.”

Elizabeth nodded once. “I will call you if anything changes.”

“I would appreciate that. Come on, Mara, let’s get going.”

“Bye,” I said politely to Elizabeth and Mary. Mary didn’t react to it in anyway, but Elizabeth looked like she was suffocating when she said: “goodbye.”

Tanya tugged me out of the waiting room and down the hallway with her. She didn’t say anything. Neither did I. I could sense that she was tired. And I understood that. Anyone would be tired after this. 

First five hours in a plane, then one hour by car and THEN arriving at a hospital where her entire homophobic family was waiting. Elizabeth was bad, exactly as bad as I had feared, but I hadn’t foreseen that Tina, a woman who was as young as Tanya was, had such outdated opinions about homosexuals. I was actually shocked that such a young woman was so influenced by outdated views on homosexuals. That had actually scared me a little. It had been a long time since I had faced off against a homophobe. I mean, sure I had encountered a few in my lifetime. Guys in bars who lashed out when they wanted to know why I didn’t want to get things on with them and I informed them about my sexual orientation. There had been a few nasty comments here and there, some slurs, but not anything I couldn’t handle. And there had been this lady back home in Colorado who had been VERY concerned about me. It had been right after I came out as gay to my family, and the woman, who had been one of my mom’s friends at the time, had somehow found out. Maybe she had heard it from someone, I don’t know, but either way, she had come to my mom and expressed her concern about me. She had pretty much said that she wasn’t sure that I was feeling okay. I happened to be home that day, so I had overheard everything. Including the sharpness in my mom’s voice when she had asked her friend: “’Ellen, are you a homophobe?’”

Ellen had let the question hang in the air for a moment. Then she had said: “’I don’t mind what people do behind close doors, Maryanne. But I don’t condone being exposed to it in public.’”

I will never forget my mom’s answer to that. “’You’re a homophobe, Ellen. Get out of my house!’”

Safe to say my mom never hung out with Ellen after that. She dropped her as a friend, and she was fuming for days afterwards, going on about how utterly disappointed she was to discover that her so-called ‘friend’ had such ‘sad’ opinions about homosexuals. I had never been so proud of my mom as I was at that time. She went out of her way to make sure my ‘coming out-experience’ was as good as possible. She even bought rainbow flag bumpers for her car. And they’re still there to this day.

I knew I’d had it easy. Coming out to my parents had been a breeze. My mom basically already knew, and my dad had just smiled and joked: “’fine by me. But no girlfriends sleeping over.’”. I had whacked his arm for making terrible jokes, and that had been it. No drama. No harm done. I was gay, and that was totally fine with my parents. The closet had been blown wide open and nobody had died because it. Well, except for my mom’s friendship with Ellen, but she didn’t care much about that. She had plenty of other friends. Friends that weren’t homophobic like Ellen turned out to be. At the time I had come out, at seventeen, I had taken it for granted that my parents would be okay with it. But growing older, I had gradually realized that it wasn’t a given for everyone. I had met other lesbians who had been rejected by their families. Or even kicked out. Then I had realized how fucking lucky I had been. And now I was pissed off at Tanya’s so-called family. For some reason, Tina and Tom were the ones I was the most angry with. It seemed like they were only repeating what their mother had been filling their ears with. They had plenty of opportunity to form new opinions and educate themselves. And instead they chose to listen to their ignorant mother. Good fucking job brainwashing your kids, Mary!

I was brought out of my musings when Tanya muttered something about sweating buckets. I looked up and realized that while I had been pondering, we had made it out on the parking lot and was now walking towards the big Rolls Royce. 

“Here, you can drive,” Tanya said, giving me the car keys. “I’ve got a banger headache.” 

I was immediately concerned. Tanya liked driving. A lot. I actually think that was one of the things she really enjoyed. And now she was willingly letting me drive instead. She was definitely not okay. “Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked and felt awkward with the car keys in my hand. 

“Not at the moment, but there might be later,” Tanya joked. But it was a dry joke that lacked her usual sass. 

“Alright, well, I’m definitely up for that,” I said, flashing her a smile. I could read between the lines.

“Let’s get going,” she said simply.

We walked the rest of the way over to the car, I unlocked it and even went as far as opening the door for Tanya with a joking: “miss Goldstein.”

“Keep your voice down,” Tanya scolded. But she was smiling as she said it. She clearly appreciated the little joke. 

We both climbed into the car and buckled our seatbelts. Tanya asked if I could find the way back to the hotel, and I assured her that I could. 

“Otherwise we’ll end up lost somewhere in Montana,” she said dryly and tipped her head back. 

“Let’s hope it won’t come to that.” I started the car and carefully maneuvered it out of the parking lot. I had never driven a car of this size before. Or a Rolls Royce for that matter. And I was terrified of   
accidentally scratching it. But when I shared my fears with Tanya, she laughed. 

“I thought I was the shitty driver,” she said. 

“Well, you are,” I teased good-naturedly. I didn’t mean it that bad. 

“I once drove into a tree,” Tanya casually continued. 

That was a comment that easily could have made me wreck. “You what?!” I almost screeched. 

“Well, it was an accident.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t drive into a tree on purpose!” at least I fucking hoped not. “What HAPPENED?!”

“A cat ran out in front of my car,” Tanya said with a slight shrug. “It was either running it over and killing it or going for the tree. I chose the tree.”

“Jesus Christ!” 

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Not that bad?! You drove into a fucking tree!”

“I survived.”

“Yeah, I can SEE that you survived!” I exclaimed and did my best not to squeal. Tanya’s head probably wouldn’t appreciate that. “But you must at least have gotten some scrapes, right?”

“I got away with a mild concussion only.”

“Only,” I snorted. “How long ago was this?”

“Hmm,” Tanya said lightly. “It was the night before that photoshoot I did for your magazine-“

“What?!” I interrupted, now definitely screeching. “Hang on, we KNEW each other back then!”

“Yes. We did.”

“You did the photoshoot when you had a concussion?!”

“Yes. I did.”

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered. 

Tanya let out a slight chuckle. “Why do you think I was flirting so aggressively with you that day? I was completely beside myself.”

“You could have just cancelled!”

“That would have looked bad. I didn’t want any fuss.”

“Well, you better fucking tell me if you ever end up driving into a tree!”

Tanya laughed. “I hope it was a one time thing, but sure, I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks,” I muttered and wondered how many times Tanya could fucking shock me. I glanced at her. She had tipped her head back and was resting her eyes. I knew I should let her rest, but I seemed to   
have zero control over my mouth. “What do you think your da- Matthew wants?”

Tanya opened her eyes again. “I don’t know,” she said lightly and clearly tried to joke. “Perhaps he has changed his will and made Tina his sole heir or something.”

I snorted. “What’s the big deal about her anyway? I tried very hard, but I literally cannot see what’s so great about her.”

Tanya laughed. “Elizabeth and Matthew adores her. And so does Scary Poppins.”

“Scary Poppins.” I snickered. That wasn’t a bad name for Saint Mary back there. “But why?” 

Tanya shrugged in response. “She has a kid.”

“Uhh...” I raised an eyebrow. 

“Which automatically makes her the family favorite,” Tanya dryly continued. “She gave Elizabeth and Matthew the ‘grandkid’ I’ve never given them.

“Are you fucking serious?” I sighed. 

“Oh yeah. Ever since I was around twelve, I’ve been filled with ‘just wait until you have your own children’ and ‘I can’t wait until you give me some grandkids to spoil’.” Tanya scoffed. “I could live with it   
when I was a kid, but when I was around twenty two, it started to feel like pressure. Which it was. Matthew and Elizabeth are so disappointed that I haven’t given them any grandchildren yet, and for the past five-ish years, Elizabeth has constantly reminded me that I ‘don’t have that much time left’.”

I snorted. “You’re only twenty eight. You’ve got plenty of time to have kids if that’s what you want.”

“Tell that to them. But we shouldn’t talk about this subject.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re dating and it’s inappropriate to talk about.”

I chuckled. “We’re just talking, Tanya. And talking is never inappropriate.”

“It is if the subject is about children,” she said firmly. 

I shrugged as best as I could behind the wheel. “I don’t think so.”

“You totally want kids, don’t you?” she teased.

I let out a slight hum. “I dunno.”

“Yes, you do. Didn’t you and the lovely Lily never discuss that?”

A very slight chuckle escaped me. The way she said, ‘lovely Lily’. So bitingly sarcastic. “Actually, not really, no.”

“You were together for three years.”

“And yet children never came up in any of our conversations,” I said, concentrating on the road. A prickling sensation on my cheek told me that Tanya was looking at me, though.

“Lily didn’t want kids, did she?” she asked plainly. 

“Not really,” I said lightly. Lily had told me that fairly early on that she wasn’t interested in kids. At least that had been her opinion then. Later, when we broke up, one of her excuses had been that she wanted ‘more’, so maybe she had changed her mind about having kids. 

“But you do,” Tanya said flatly. 

“Jesus, I don’t know!” I protested. “I literally haven’t thought about it, okay?”

“I don’t know if I want kids,” she said openly. “I did at some point, I think every little girl claim they want to be a mother at some point during their childhood, but then I became a teenager. And then I find out I was bipolar. I don’t want to accidentally pass any of that shit on to my kid.”

“Are you sure it’s inherited?” I asked softly. “You know I’ve read some about it-“

“Oh, trust me, I know you have.”

“-And I’ve never read anything about it being passed on from mother to child,” I gently finished the sentence. 

“Maybe not,” Tanya said. “But it’s not just that. Certain symptoms can intensity during pregnancy, and I don’t exactly need that.”

“I get it,” I nodded. She had thought more about this than I thought. At least as far as seeing herself as the pregnant one. 

“But that’s enough about that,” Tanya said, immediately making her voice sound lighter. “You’re doing a good job at driving, cupcake.”

“’Cupcake’?” I flatly echoed. “Is that supposed to make me feel cute?”

“Yes. Wasn’t that obvious?”

“Not really.”

She laughed velvety at that. “Too bad. Because cupcake is what you are.”

“Right then.” I cleared my throat. “Can I ask you something?”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing already?”

“Har, har, har.”

“Ask away. Cupcake.”

“Can I ask about.... Tammie-Rose?” I said carefully and hoped that it was okay to ask her about that name. 

“Sure,” Tanya snorted. “I was wondering when that was gonna come up. Country gals are rarely named Tanya. Birth name. Changed it when I was twenty one. Elizabeth wanted Tammie because she was a   
fan of that country singer Tammy Wynette, and Matthew wanted Rose because roses happened to be his favorite flower, and his mother’s middle name was Rose.”

“Evelyn,” I remembered. 

“Yeah. And alas, I ended up stuck with both names.”

“And where did Tanya come from?” I asked curiously.

Tanya chuckled. “That was Evelyn’s doing too. She showed up when I was seven, that was the first time I ever met her, by the way, didn’t even know I had a grandmother before. But anyway, she promptly announced that Tammie-Rose was completely wrong for me, and that she refused to call me anything but Tanya. She said that suited me better. She was right.”

“Totally,” I nodded.

“Will you do something for me?” she asked. 

“Yeah. Anything,” I said automatically. 

“Don’t... call me Tammie-Rose. Not even as a joke. It reminds me of a time where things were very difficult for me.”

“Got it,” I said immediately. “You’ll only ever be Tanya to me, so...”

“How I prefer it,” she half-chuckled, and then her cellphone rang. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her wiggle the phone out of her pocket. She muttered something about if that was the hospital or Elizabeth calling her, she would ‘loose her shit’, but when she picked up a second later, it was obviously not Elizabeth or the hospital. “Hello, Palma,” Tanya said, all actress-y and smooth talking. She could change her tone faster than flipping a switch. There was no way of telling that she had been talking about heavy stuff a moment ago.

“No, no, you’re not bothering me at all,” she continued. “Yes, I am in Montana, but I’m not busy at all. What’s up? Oh, season 3 of ‘Love Me Not’ is announced tomorrow? How exciting. I can’t wait for the fans to see.” 

Neither could I. I knew for a fact that a few thousand people would loose their shit when the third season was announced. 

“No shit?” Tanya said with a chuckle. “I’m getting a new lover, really?”

“Uhh... Anything you wanna tell me?” I joked. 

“Shut up,” Tanya said. “What? No, god no, not you, Palma! Mara, obviously. Yeah. So, who is this new lover? Has anyone auditioned? Oh, you’ve already got someone? Who then?” she waited, and I could hear Palma talk fast in the other end, and when she was done, Tanya let out a long a whistle. “Fuck me, really? Grant Berry, seriously? How did you manage to get him?! He’s one hell of a big fish!”

Grant Berry was indeed a big fish. He had starred in several movies and series. He was experienced, older, around forty five ish, and he was a very good actor. Getting him onto ‘Love Me Not’ was really something. 

“And for how many episodes am I snogging him?” Tanya asked and almost sounded excited. Which amused me. “Eight, really? Interesting. What do you think Alex will say about that?” she chuckled. “No, you’re quite right. That should make the new series interesting. And how racy scenes are we talking? Really. Well, that SHOULD be interesting.”

I didn’t doubt that. Tanya in a romantic scene with Grant Berry would undoubtedly make everyone go nuts. Tanya was a very beautiful woman. Grant Berry was a very handsome man. Even I could see that. 

“No, I don’t have a problem with that. Not at all. In fact I can’t wait to get started,” Tanya beamed. “It sounds like it’s gonna be one hell of a season. Okay. Yes, I’ll pass your greeting on to Mara. Of course. Thanks. Bye now, Palma. Bye!” she ended the call, slipped the phone back in her pocket and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her grinning from ear to ear. 

“A new lover, huh?” I chuckled. 

“Yep,” Tanya said nonchalantly, still grinning. “You happy for me?”

“As odd as it sounds, yeah, I am,” I nodded. “Grant Berry is a big one.”

“You seriously did not just say that.”

“I’m afraid I did. Sorry,” I laughed, now fully realizing how utterly wrong that had sounded. “And you’re going to make out with him?”

“Oh yes. For eight episodes. Even got a few racy scenes.” 

“How racy are we talking?” I heard myself ask. 

“You jealous?” Tanya teased good naturedly. 

“No,” I said immediately. “I’m just still trying to wrap my head around having a girlfriend who kisses people on television.”

Tanya laughed. “So far I’ve only kissed guys on television, darling.”

I hummed in agreement and tried not to think about that movie she was shooting in Paris. That movie where she would be kissing another woman. Of course I was thrilled that she had gotten a role in a movie with a more diverse love story, obviously I was, but still.... the idea that I would be seeing Tanya kiss another woman was... something I would have to get used to real quick. 

“Does it never bother you?” I asked. 

“Does what never bother me, darling?”

“The... racy scenes.”

Tanya raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m just curious!” I defended. “I don’t know anything about acting, and I wanna learn more.”

My shoddy attempt at explaining myself seemed to amuse her. “No,” she said. “It can sometimes weird me out, but it never bothers me.” she laughed. “My first scene ever with Alex was that infamous bed scene where it’s made to look like Julian is going down on Celeste. That was a pretty effective ice breaker.”

“Yeah, I.... I remember that scene,” I said somewhat strained and cleared my throat. 

“Watched it a lot, have you?”

“Shut up. I have not.”

“I think you have, Ma-ra...”

“I haven’t,” I protested, but that was a lie. I actually had watched that scene quite a few times. After Tanya and I had started seeing each other. 

Tanya reached across me and switched on the radio. A random song I didn’t know, and Tanya probably didn’t either. Which could only mean that she was done talking for now. She was tired. Poor her. I would be too. I briefly looked at her as she tipped her head back and closed her eyes again. Maybe she could benefit from a nice, long bath when we came back to the hotel. There was this amazing big spa bath in the enormous bathroom. Yes. That was a good idea. Perhaps I could even sneak into the bathroom and fill the tub. That would be a nice surprise for her after the long day she’d had. And I could rub her shoulders and neck. And whatever else that needed rubbing. Okay, I probably shouldn’t tell her that. That wasn’t romantic. But preparing a bath for her was. I could be romantic. Maybe I could even find a few candles. Turn it into a proper romantic afternoon for us. Find a way to make up for the meeting with her horrible homophobic family. She could need that. She deserved some time to relax. Montana didn’t have to be all serious business all the time. I wanted to show her that. That Montana could be good too. I glanced at her again. She looked like she was asleep. Was she? Maybe. God knows she’d had a hard day. Poor thing. I turned the volume on the radio down just a notch. To give her the chance to sleep if that was what she needed. And it was. It didn’t even take ten seconds before her head dropped onto her shoulder. I smiled a little as I switched off the radio completely. This had to be some kind of new milestone for us. Tanya had never fallen asleep in the car before. I found it to be very cute. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping. So vulnerable. Seeing her this vulnerable made me feel angry at her family all over again. How could they treat her like this when all she ever did was falling in love with a woman? It wasn’t fair. As I drove, I kept wondering about what Matthew had wanted to talk to her about before he fell ill. It had to have been something pretty important. But what? Unfortunately, I had no answers to that. Only he did....

Obviously, Tanya denied all allegations about having fallen asleep on the way home. And I let her get away with denying it. I was against arguing with her when she was this tired. 

The minute we stepped back into our hotel room, Tanya first ripped off the dark wig and tossed it on a nearby chair. Her own, platinum blonde hair fell down her shoulders. It wasn’t straight anymore, but bouncingly curly. Next, she wiggled her feet out of her high heels and groaned as she kicked them to the side. Then she took off her blazer, tossed it onto the back of the same chair where her wig now resided. She took off the silk scarf she had been wearing around her neck dumped it on the floor, unbuttoned her red blouse dangerously low, and then without much further ado or grace, she faceplanted onto the bed in a flurry of blonde hair, moaning something that sounded a lot like “blurgh”. 

I didn’t blame her. ‘Blurgh’ was a pretty fitting way to describe what kind of day she’d had. “Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked again. 

“Oof,” she said into the pillow.

Okay. Just peace and quiet then. I could do that. I could do peace and quiet. 

“Oh, fuck my ass, my head hurts!” she groaned and rubbed the sore spot where she had bumped her head earlier. 

“Fuck your ass?” I said and snorted. I couldn’t help it. Trust Tanya to be a fan of colorful language, but this was definitely a new one. 

“Shut up,” she said muffled into the pillow. 

I didn’t shot up. I laughed. “That was a new one, Goldstein.”

“Don’t get any ideas,” Tanya said. Still into the pillow. 

“You said that, not I.”

“And now I’m telling you to shut up.”

“And pretend you didn’t just say ‘fuck my ass’?” 

“Yes. Exactly.”

I laughed again and took off my own shoes. Ran my fingers through my hair. I felt warm. I followed Tanya’s example and unbuttoned my shirt. Wiggled out of it and felt every bit grateful when I was just in my tanktop. I walked over to the bed and sat down next to Tanya. She didn’t react to that in anyway. I carefully ran two fingers up and down her back. “Tan?” 

“Mmmmh.” It was nothing but a groan. She was clearly irritated that I had interrupted her. 

Oh, so she hadn’t gone back to sleep. “What about a bath?” I suggested. I figured it would probably be better to run it by her instead of going for the surprise. It was better to actually ask her. If I went out there and filled the tub, there was a chance that she would be fast asleep when I got back. 

“Hmmm,” she said and lifted her head just a tad. “Sounds good. But aren’t you gonna come down here first?”

“Sure. I can do that,” I said as I let myself flop backwards onto the bed. 

Tanya did a little wiggle, so we were face to face. I thought to myself that she was a beautiful mess with her hair all tousled and her blouse half-open. I could literally see most of the black bra she was wearing underneath. She reached out and touched my cheek lightly with two fingertips. “It was really nice having you with me at the hospital,” she said softly. 

That made me smile. “Well, if you’re planning on going tomorrow again, I’m down for it.”

“I’d rather you weren’t,” Tanya said simply. “They’re awful. All of them.”

“Not Stephen,” I pointed out. “He seemed okay.”

“Yes, he did,” she acknowledged. “And I wonder why that is. But Scary Poppins and the Holy Cousins... and Elizabeth.” She sighed. “I’d rather not expose you to them.”

“And I’d rather that you don’t go to the hospital to be faced with them on your own,” I said simply. “I’m going with you.” 

“Where have you been all my life...” 

It was obviously meant as a joke, but I still weaseled closer to her and pecked her lips. “Dunno. But I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

“Good, ‘cause-“

Whatever sentence she was gonna say, was interrupted by the sound of her phone going off again. Tanya groaned, rolled onto her front again, and her ‘fuck, no!’ was muffled by the pillow. 

“People wants to talk to you today,” I joked. People always wanted to talk to Tanya. 

“Urrrrgh,” she said into the pillow. “Be a sweetheart and answer it for me, please? It’s in my blazer pocket. I can’t get up.”

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” I quipped as I pushed myself up from the bed and walked over to the chair where she had slung her blazer. It didn’t take me long to fish out her phone. 

“And if that’s Palma again, tell her I’m dead,” Tanya added. Just a wee bit dramatically.

“I am literally not gonna tell anyone that! Ever!” I huffed and then glanced at the screen. “I don’t think it’s her, though. Not the same number.”

“Whatever. Just answer it. And tell whoever it is to go away!”

I chuckled quietly at my girlfriend’s sullen behavior and then swiped a finger over the screen. Brought the phone up to my ear and used my poshest, politest voice when I said: “T’s phone, how may I help you?” okay, I was totally messing with Tanya, but only to make her laugh. And I was rewarded with something that sounded like a middle thing between a chuckle and a snort. 

“Uhmm... hi. Is... Is Tanya there?” a timid little voice in the other end asked, and yeah, I was shocked. I hadn’t exactly expected it to be a child calling. 

“Sorry, who’s this?” I asked bewildered. 

“Grace,” the little girl in the other end said. “Is Tanya there? This is still her number, right?”

Grace. Tanya’s ‘niece’. Right. Didn’t see that coming. “Uhh, yeah, it is,” I said quickly. 

“And who are YOU?” Grace asked confused and curiously.

“Gimme two seconds,” I said without answering her question. I moved the phone away from my ear and carefully covered the microphone before saying: “Tanya?”

“Hmm?” she said. She had clearly been on the brink of going right back to sleep. “Is that Palma or Stacy? Because I swear to god-“

“It’s not. It’s Grace,” I hissed quickly. 

“Grace?” Tanya sat up in bed and for a second looked as bewildered as I felt. “Grace as in... Grace?”

“Do you know any other little girls called Grace?” 

“Oh, shit!” Tanya cursed. “Give me the phone.”

I handed the phone back to her, and Tanya quickly brought it up to her own ear, put on a smile and said: “Gracie! Hi! What’s up, kiddo?” she did not sound tired anymore. Instead she sounded upbeat and excited. Voice was a bit higher than normal, I noted. Was this her ‘Grace’-voice? Did she have a ‘Grace’-voice? I had never heard her interact with a kid before. 

“Yeah, you’re right, I said a bad word right now,” Tanya acknowledged and sounded positively sheepish now. “Sorry about that. Don’t tell your mom, okay? And pretend I said ‘shoot’ and not... something else.” 

I chuckled quietly to myself. Tanya apologizing for cursing was not something I thought I'd ever hear.

“No, that a.... a friend of mine,” Tanya continued, mouthing ‘sorry’ to me, and I quickly gathered that she had just lied about my identity to Grace. I flashed her a little smile to let her know that it was okay, and I understood why she had to. 

“Yeah, I’m in Montana right now,” Tanya confirmed, pushing her blonde hair back over her shoulder. “Who, uhh... who told you? Your dad? Oh. Okay.” She wrapped a strand of hair around her finger. “I don’t know if I’m going to the hospital tomorrow, Gracie. I don’t think your uncle will be feeling much different tomorrow, to be honest, but I- what?” she frowned. Then sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I know it’s been a long time since we last hung out, but- Grace, come on, that’s not fair! You can’t beg me like that! You know I can’t say no to you!” 

That made me chuckle. 

“Okay,” Tanya said, and it sounded very much like she was surrendering. “Okay, I’ll be coming to the hospital tomorrow. But I’m telling you, this is not gonna end well.” She let out a little dry laugh. “What the he- heck, Grace? Since when are you rebelling against your mom, huh? She’ll absolutely ROAST me if she finds out- alright, alright, jeez!” she chuckled again. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Now her voice was soft. “It has been too long. I’ve missed you too, kiddo. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Okay. Bye, Grace.” She ended the call, dumped the phone on the bed and looked at me. “Grace is gonna be at the hospital tomorrow. How do you feel about meeting my fake-niece tomorrow, darling?” 

“That sounds good,” I said and smiled. “And when you say meet her...”

“Yes?”

“Am I gonna.... ‘meet-meet’ her?” I asked a bit lamely and hoped that I would get my point across. 

And I did. “Well,” Tanya said and lifted her chin a tad. “If she asks who you are... I’m not gonna lie about it. I didn’t want to tell her over the phone.” 

“Are you serious?”

“About not wanting to tell her over the phone?”

“Tanya.”

“Yes, I’m serious,” she said, sobering up. “I’m fucking tired of hiding who I am. Grace is a good kid. There’s a very good chance she’ll be zen about it. At least she will if dear, sweet Tina isn’t there. But I have a feeling that she won’t be. Stephen is the one who Grace I’m here.”

“Well done, Stephen,” I praised. “Good man.”

“Indeed,” Tanya nodded. “He’s surprised me this time around.”

I said nothing. Maybe Stephen’s quiet rebellion against Tina could lead to something.

Tanya smirked slightly as she stood from the bed. “Now... How about that bath?” 

I smirked back at her. Tried not to look at her half-exposed chest. “One bath, coming up, Goldstein.” Then I skittered into the bathroom and switched on the tab to fill the tub. Took a deep breath as I waited for the tub to fill. I was gonna meet Grace tomorrow. Tanya’s nice. The only person in that family that mattered. And I was determined to ensure everything would go well!


	25. Meetings & Invitations

Of course I had been nervous about meeting Tanya’s mother and aunt and cousins, anything else would have been silly. But at the same time I knew what I would be dealing with. I knew they would be a bunch of homophobes, and I had been determined to deal with that as best as I could. 

But it was something else with Grace. She was different. She was the only one Tanya had mentioned having something resembling a bond with. Grace was an important person in Tanya’s life, and I wanted to make a good impression on her. Hopefully, young Grace would be unscathed by dear Tina’s opinions about gays and lesbians. Maybe she had been spending more time with her dad than with her mom. If that was the case, there was a chance that she wouldn’t be completely shocked if and when she found out the truth about my relationship with Tanya. It would come out sooner than later. Meaning today. Tanya was sick of having to hide who she was. And who she was with. As she had said last night before we went to bed: I was not her dirty little secret. I was her girlfriend. And if people couldn’t handle that, then too freaking bad!

I was proud of her. I knew that telling Grace was a very big deal. I knew what Tanya was risking by telling her ‘niece’ the truth. Her entire relationship with Grace. God, I hoped Tina wouldn’t prevent her and Grace from seeing each other! That would devastate Tanya. She adored Grace. Hadn’t said so, but I could feel it. And I had a pretty strong feeling that the kid adored Tanya too. Otherwise she wouldn’t have called and asked if Tanya was in Montana. And she certainly wouldn’t have begged Tanya to come over to the hospital so they could see each other. Last night, Tanya had revealed that the phone calls with Grace actually wasn’t that uncommon. It had been a thing, she had told me. Until she publicly had come out in Juicy Bits. Then Tina had put a stop to their communication. ‘Maybe she thinks I’ll transfer the gayness via phone’, Tanya had joked last night. But I had not been amused. It actually felt like something dear, sweet Tina would do. Hopefully, she wouldn’t be at the hospital today. I kept my fingers crossed that it would only be Stephen and Grace. I could do without seeing Tina and Saint Mary again. And Tanya had openly stated that she could do without seeing Elizabeth again. I could honestly say that I didn’t blame her for that. Elizabeth was intense even though she was tiny and looked sweet. She infuriated me. The way she looked at Tanya infuriated me. The way she had played with the cross pendant around her neck had infuriated me. I really hoped she wouldn’t be there when we arrived. 

I said goodbye to Angie and put the phone down. She had called to get an update on ‘everything’, and to tell her own news. She was moving to Chicago. In seven months. No way was she planning on just ‘upping and leaving’ as she called it. God no. Cooper would have to fend for himself for seven months, and if their relationship could survive that.... Well, then it was a good thing. It was a mutual decision, testing their relationship by putting some distance between them. The long distance relationship would be a very good indicator as to how strong their relationship actually was. Could they survive seven months apart, they could survive anything. 

I found it to be a very sensible decision. Not that I was completely ecstatic to see Angie head off to Chicago, but I was still happy for her. Chicago could be the start of something new for her and Cooper. I had joked that it probably wouldn’t take long before they started breeding little ones, and she had threatened to hang up on me. 

I was also pretty relieved that she wasn’t going anywhere until in seven months, and even when she did leave for Chicago, she would never be more than a phone call away. We wouldn’t loose contact just because she moved. Chicago wasn’t the end of the world. She could come and visit me. And I would come and visit her. Me and Tanya. It would be fine. Everything would be just fine. I wouldn’t be totally on my own. I had Tanya. And she and I had plans about ‘shacking up’ too. I had told Angie that, and she had immediately told me that I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere until in seven months. She refused to let me out of her sight. At least that’s what she said, and I chose to take her up on it. But I obviously still had to joke about it and say that I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. Angie had punched back by referring to Tanya as my ‘beloved’. THAT had obviously made me protest until I was blue in the face. Angie had laughed her ass off in the other end, and I had desperately hoped that Tanya had her ears under the water while showering or something like that. Angie had taken the joke to the next level by innocently suggesting that maybe Tanya had climbed out the bathroom window and escaped. 

I shook my head. Good ol’ Angie. I missed her even though it hadn’t been that long since I last saw her. It had been good talking to her about everything. The meeting with Tanya’s homophobic family, and the upcoming meeting with Tanya’s niece, Grace. I had openly talked about how nervous I was, and as usually, Angie had talked me through it. Had given me a little pep-talk and had advised me to just be my ‘natural, charming self’. Which sounded like a right cliché, but it had actually helped me a lot. I could be myself around Grace. I could handle meeting a ten year old. 

Or could I? Shit. I was getting nervous again. Okay, deep breath, Mara. Relax. Calm down. It’s all good. It’s no big deal. It’s just... Tanya’s niece. Whom she has an incredibly close bond with. I felt beads of sweat gather at the back of my neck. I licked my lips anxiously. Shit. The effect of the conversation with Angie was already going out the window. 

What if Grace didn’t like me? What if she would be completely like Tina and write Tanya off when she found out the truth? What if that would be the end of Tanya’s relationship with Grace? Now I felt completely cold all over instead of sweaty. It had to go well today. It just had to. Tanya was antsy about it. She had told me so herself last night when we were in the bath. Which had been a very nice bath.   
For once, there had been no ‘funny business’. There had just been the two of us, taking a nice, calming bath together. I could have attempted to turn the bath R-rated. Tanya would probably have tried to show enthusiasm, but I had sensed that she was wiped out. And later, when we went to sleep, it had only been about that too. Just sleep. Her arms had been around me, one of her long legs had been slung over my hip, and I had absolutely adored every moment of it. Sex was great and all (not just that, it was mind blowingly fantastic!) but the level of intimacy I’d shared with Tanya last night had been a symbol of how close we were growing. She had been wiped out, and she had allowed me to cuddle her as she fell asleep. That was something. I liked cuddling with Tanya. I liked that she was allowing me to be there for her when she was beat and tired because of her family. I liked that she didn’t hide how she felt. She was allowing to see how she really felt. That was a big deal when thinking about how walled off she had been in the beginning. 

I shifted a bit on the edge of the bed where I was sitting and waiting. For Tanya. I chuckled to myself. I spend a lot of time waiting for Tanya. Waiting for the star to be ready to leave. That was my life now, and I didn’t mind that at all. I brushed a hand over my skirt. Yep, call every single reporter out there, I was wearing a skirt. This was breaking news. I never wore skirts. Ever. It was always either shorts or dresses. Skirts were not something that happened. Except today. It was just a denim skirt, artfully tattered and torn, but still, nevertheless a skirt. That was a wild thing for me. I had combined it with a black top with thin straps, and I felt like I looked pretty good. The skirt was not too short and not too long, and plus it was ridiculously warm outside again. I couldn’t bear to put on jeans. This would have to do for the day. I looked decent, but felt comfortable at the same time. Win-win.

There were rustling and bustling from the bathroom, and I glanced at the door. Maybe Tanya was actually about to finish up in there. I chuckled to myself. Nah. It had only been fifteen minutes. It would take her at least twenty minutes to finish up in there. I knew my girl and her routines. And as lengthy as those routines were, I didn’t mind. I was comfortable sitting on the bed. There was an enormous television I could switch on if I needed entertainment. But right now I was actually more interested in the book Tanya had left abandoned on the bed. ‘The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo’. She had ranted quite a lot about that book lately. Mostly she had been nagging me about reading it, and I had promised to do. When I had the time. Tanya had picked up because the title had amused her, her grandmother’s name being Evelyn and all that, and the main character was an actress, so Tanya was obviously a hundred percent on board. 

Currently, the book was laying open, exactly where Tanya had left it, and while I waited for her to finish up in there, I took the opportunity to see what all the fuss was about. Tanya was actually almost done with the book, she was quite the reader, but last night she had suddenly shoved the book aside and declared that she was nowhere near perky enough to read that kind of thing. She had tried again earlier this morning, but it hadn’t taken long before she had gone: “nope!” and had headed to the bathroom instead, leaving me to get dressed. And now I wanted to know why this part of the book was so terribly difficult to read. 

I rolled onto my stomach, grabbed the book and then read: “’when Celia didn’t say anything, I knew that she was thinking about it. She was thinking about whether it could mean anything, the two of us there in that bed.’”. Interesting. I kept reading: “’Here’s what we will do,” I said, trying to convince her. “We will look each other in the eye, and we will hold hands, and we will say what’s in our hearts, and we will promise to be there for each other. We don’t need any government documents or witnesses or religious approval. It doesn’t matter that I’m already legally married, because we both know that when I was marrying Robert, I was doing it to be with you. We don’t need anybody else’s rules. We just need each other.’”. That was intense stuff. Very intense stuff. I totally had to read that book now. I was intrigued. Very intrigued. Was this another forbidden love story? Tanya was a sucker for forbidden love stories. I chuckled to myself. And Tanya claimed that she wasn’t a romantic. The biggest lie ever told. Tanya was actually deeply romantic. Not in the whole typical roses-and-chocolates fashion, but still, she was romantic. In her own way. With the little things she said and did. This book was a clear reflection of that. 

As on cue, the door to the bathroom opened. Tanya stepped out in her usual, glamorous ‘I own this place’-manner. Today she was wearing a powder blue strapless dress with a bit of a sweetheart neckline. She had looked great in the suit too, but I was kinda glad she had ditched it, though. I had boiled on her behalf on her yesterday. The dress she was wearing today looked more suited for the hot weather. And she obviously looked stunning in it. I had yet to see her in an outfit that didn’t suit her. The dark wig was back in place, covering her own, blonde hair, and I kinda felt for her. It was like, a billion degrees, and she had to wear a wig. Poor her. She was holding a glass of water in her hand, and she frowned in sheer concentration not to spill any of it on her dress. That dress had probably cost her more than paying for this hotel room did. I chuckled quietly to myself.

She glanced down at my bare legs, smirked, and said: “hello, gorgeous.”

I snorted. “Are you talking to me or to my legs?” 

“All three of you,” Tanya chuckled. 

“That’s creepy, Goldstein.”

“And you are rude,” she shot back without batting an eye. “Are you ready to leave?”

“I am,” I nodded, rolling onto my back and then sitting up, smoothing the denim skirt over my thighs. “Are you?”

“In a moment,” Tanya said, high heels clicking as she crossed the floor and sat the glass of water down on the bedside table. Then she opened her purse and found the two bottles of pills. She popped the lid off of first one bottle, and then the other. Closed her fingers around the two little tablets she took every morning. “Salut,” she joked as she grabbed the glass of water and flushed the pills down. Once that was done, she gave me a second look. “You look great.”

“Thanks. So do you. But I’m pretty sure I don’t need to tell you that.”

“Why not?” she raised a perfectly sculped eyebrow. “I happen to like when you compliment me, Swanson.” She glanced at the book which was now laying differently because of me. “Have you been reading   
my book?”

“I have,” I willingly admitted and chuckled. 

“Don’t do that, it’ll break your heart,” she said shortly and closed the book, making the rather glamorous and shiny cover of a woman in a green dress come back into view. 

“Did it break yours?” I asked and fake-frowned. “Because I’m pretty sure I need your heart in one piece.”

“Let’s call it moderately broken then,” she snickered. 

“Uhh, I prefer not broken at all.”

“Aren’t we all a little heartbroken?” she said dramatically, succeeding perfectly in making her voice sound even lower and huskier than usually. 

“You sound like some femme fatale from a 40’s movie.”

“Thank you. That was the intention,” she laughed, getting up from the bed, but clearly a bit too quickly for the rest of her long body to get the memo. Or maybe it was because of the heels. But either way, she made a funny little ‘I almost tripped’-movement and muttered: “oh, motherfu- flipper!”

“’Motherflipper’?” I echoed and snorted. “What the hell is a motherflipper?”

“The kind of word you use when you’re trying not to curse,” Tanya half-grumbled. 

The plot thickened. “And since when do you try not to curse?”

She scoffed. “I’m gonna hang out with a ten year old in a moment. I have to at least try and moderate my language a little.”  
“Oh. Good point. I’ll try the same then. Should we get going so we can meet the most important person in your life?” that was only a partial joke on my behalf. 

Tanya let out another little scoff and rolled her green eyes at me. 

I tilted my head. “You’re saying that Grace is not the most important person in your life?” 

“Sure she is,” Tanya agreed and grabbed my hand as she pulled me up from the bed. “But she happens to share that first place with someone else I know.”

“Genevieve,” I said, and did my best to tease even though my heart had started to thump rapidly in my chest. That was pretty romantic for someone who claimed they weren’t romantic at all.

“Oh yes, exactly,” Tanya said flatly. “You nailed it.”

“Thanks,” I smirked. 

She rolled her eyes at me yet again, and then she tugged me out of the hotel room. I laughed as I half-stumbled after her, exclaiming a loud: “motherflipper!” as I went. 

Tanya told me to shut up and never say ‘motherflipper’ again. 

*******************

We made it outside on the parking lot where the car was waiting for us, and Tanya announced that she would drive. 

“Uuurgh,” I joked. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” she snipped, tipping up her chin. “I am not that bad of a driver, Swanson!”

“Sure you’re not, miss-I-once-drove-into-a-tree-and-ended-up-with-a-concussion.”

“A MILD concussion!” Tanya snippily corrected as she clicked the key once and unlocked the Rolls Royce. “And there was a cat on the road! I couldn’t just hit that, could I?”

“No, I guess you couldn’t,” I agreed softly to show that I had just been messing around.

“So stop nagging me about it, damnit!” Tanya grumbled. “Stephanie did that plenty!”

“Stephanie?” I raised an eyebrow at the mention of Tanya’s former PA. 

“Yeah, she was with me in the car when it happened. It was right before I formerly ended things with her,” Tanya said shortly. 

“Oh,” I said, immediately thinking a myriad of nasty things about Tanya’s ‘ex’ as I climbed into the car. Possessive Stephanie. Clingy Stephanie. Okay, maybe I was being unfair, but I didn’t like the idea of Tanya being with anyone but me. And in my defense, she had been annoying. I remembered all the jealous, possessive things she had said to Tanya after the photoshoot. I let out a long sigh. 

“What?” Tanya asked as she inserted the key. 

“I don’t liiiiike her,” I whined as I put on my seatbelt. 

Tanya was mystified. “Who?” she asked, frowning. 

“Stephanie.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t like her either.”

“She said so much stupid stuff to you after the photoshoot!” I hotly continued. “I remember she complained about how you had sent back my shirt using her name, but come on, what else were you supposed to do at the time? Use your own name? And she was accusing you of flirting with Leo! I mean, seriously, she straight up accused you of flirting with the photographer-“

“How do you know?” Tanya interrupted my rambling. 

“I... What?” 

“How do you know that Stephanie said all of that to me?” she asked casually. “As far I recall, you were nowhere to be seen when I had that particular conversation with her.”

Oh. Fuck. And oops. Major oops. I could feel myself flush and was sure my cheeks were reaching a pink state. 

“Come on, Mara,” Tanya said and gave me a slight nudge, which I would have scolded her for had the situation been any different. “How do you know? Are you suddenly capable of being in two places at the same time or what?”

“No...” I mumbled, defeated and still blushing like an idiot. 

“Then how come you can almost recite a private conversation I had with my former assistant?”

There was no way around it. No way to explain this away. I had to fess up and admit. “I might have... been in the wardrobe,” I mumbled. 

“What?!”

“It was honestly an accident!” I defended. “I was there to get my jacket, a few of them ended on the floor, I picked them up, and I heard you and Stephanie come back. You were arguing, and I want to burst out of the closet in the middle of it, so I kinda just...”

“Listened in on a private conversation instead,” Tanya snorted. “You’re such a reporter.” 

I carefully examined her face. “Are you pissed?”

“No,” Tanya laughed heartedly. “God, that is hilarious!”

Oh. Thank god. She had enough humor to see the funny in the situation, but I was still a little sheepish. “I am sorry, though,” I said. “I shouldn’t have listened in.”

She shrugged. “What’s done is done, no harm, no foul.”

Right then. We were back on the road, back to driving to the hospital. And Tanya was back to yelling at the other drivers. “Watch where you’re going you fuc- freaking idiot!”

“So, how’s the whole ‘no cussing’-thing working out for you?” I asked casually. 

“I said ‘freaking’ instead of ‘fucking’!”

“True. But you also said ‘idiot’.”

“Oh. Shi- shoot! Jesus, this is hard!”

I snickered. “You’re really serious about not cussing in front of Grace, aren’t you?”

“Hell yes. She’s an innocent little kid. No reason to traumatize her with my filthy mouth.”

The temptation was too much. I couldn’t resist it. “I like your filthy mouth,” I told her and grinned at her. 

She returned the grin, wicked and innocent at the same time. “I know you do. But has it traumatized you yet?”

“Hmm, I don’t think so. Left me speechless a few times, but not traumatized me.”

Tanya clicked her tongue. “Not good enough. I’d like to wreck you.”

I snorted and suddenly felt like I was in a tight spot. Her voice alone was enough to make me squirm slightly in my seat. “Right then. Good to know.”

She snickered. She knew exactly what she was doing to me. I shook my head a little and tried to think about something else than Tanya ‘wrecking’ me. Anything else. I couldn’t think about sex when we were driving to the hospital. That was completely wrong. And the universe seemed to agree with that. I was rather suddenly slung forward in my seat when Tanya made the car came to a halt in front of a traffic light. 

“Seriously?” I said tightly. 

“Woops. I think the brakes are a bit wonky.” 

“The brakes. Right. I think YOU are a bit wonky, Goldstein,” I softly accused. 

“How dare you,” she fussed, but her green eyes were amused at the same time. She thought I was funny. And that was pretty much the highest praise one could get from Tanya Goldstein. 

“So, is there anything I should know about Grace?” I asked. “Any ways to make her like me?”

“She’ll like you,” Tanya replied. “You don’t have to use any tricks.”

“How can you be so sure?” I asked, feeling insecure all the sudden. 

“Because Grace is a good kid,” she said simply. “She likes good people. And you happen to be one of those. One of the best I’ve met.”

And now I felt like I had to swallow a massive lump. Maybe Tanya wasn’t traditionally romantic, but she could give compliments like no one else could......

Soon I found myself back at the hospital. Back in the elevator. Tanya was holding my hand and smiling softly at me. “Are you nervous, darling?”

“I am,” I openly admitted. Why lie? Why try and run from it?

“I would tell you not to be, but I think that would be pretty fruitless,” Tanya said. “And I’m not one for filling you with crap.”

I chuckled. No, she definitely was not. And I was actually sort of grateful for that. I didn’t need to be filled with reassurances that everything would be fine. Even if the reassurance turned out to be true. 

“I hadn’t expected to be back so soon,” Tanya said dryly. “I was rather hoping that you and I would be driving around to other destinations today.”

“Maybe we could do that tomorrow,” I said softly. 

“I could show you Red Lodge,” she mused. “There’s nothing wrong with the city after all.”

“You had any special places you liked to hang out?” I asked curiously. 

“The bars,” Tanya said flatly. “I used to lie about my age and sneak in to get drunk.”

“Seriously?” my voice wasn’t even remotely judgmental. I knew that things had been bad for her. Of course she had grappled for ways to deal with everything that was going on. 

She shrugged. “I guess I was a good actress back then already.” 

“Did you never get busted?” I asked and gave her hand a squeeze for good measurement. 

“Often,” Tanya said, shrugging again. “Matthew and Elizabeth weren’t pleased. I was a wild child.”

“You had reasons to be,” I said gently. 

She snorted. “I don’t think I had any valid reasons to dance on the tables.”

“You... did that?”

“Once or twice. Not my greatest hour. In fact, I’d rather just pretend that it never happened.” She grimaced at the memory. 

“We’ve all done things we regret,” I said and felt all wise and mature. 

“Yes, I suppose so,” she agreed. 

The elevator dinged, and Tanya and I stepped out of it. Walked down the hallway like we had done yesterday. I glanced around to see if I could spot Saint Mary and the lovely cousins, but the only ones I could see were the doctors and nurses. Perhaps Saint Mary and Tom and Tina weren’t here today. One could only hope. I had very little desire to see them again. As in ever. Stephen was the only one who had just been remotely sensible. Meaning the only one who hadn’t been a complete jerk to Tanya. He had actually talked to her. Shown interest in what she had been up to. Which her mother should have, but she had failed to do so. Damn her. 

“Woops!” I yelped when Tanya suddenly stopped, and I walked straight into her as a result. 

“Watch it,” she joked. 

“Sorry. Why are we stopping?” 

“Because we’re waiting for Grace,” Tanya said. 

“Oh.” I looked around in the yellow hallway. “Is she going to meet us right here?”

“She is.”

“You sure? This place doesn’t really seem ideal for-“

“Tan-YA!”

My mutterings about ideal places for meetings were completely shattered by the loud exclaim coming from a young girl. I stepped out behind Tanya just in time to see a little girl in denim shorts and a purple t-shirt coming racing down the yellow hallway towards us. Her long brown hair was arranged in two braids on either side of her head, she had hazel eyes and was wearing the biggest grin I had ever seen. AND she was more or less catapulting herself towards Tanya. Before I could even blink, she had reached us and was flinging her arms around Tanya. She was tiny, barely reached Tanya’s middle, but I still found her to be mighty. This was Grace. Tanya’s niece. The most important person in Tanya’s life. That hadn’t been an exaggeration on my part. I could literally see how tightly Grace was hugging her, and she couldn’t stop talking as she did so. “Auntie Tan!” she exclaimed, still grinning. “I’ve missed you so much!”

I grinned too. Auntie Tan. That was adorable.

“Hi, Grace,” Tanya chuckled as she hugged Grace back. “I’ve missed you too. Jeez, you’ve grown! You’re at least a head taller since the last time I saw you!”

“You really think so?” Grace asked proudly, and I could clearly see how she was straightening her posture to look even taller. 

“Yeah, I definitely do!” Tanya said firmly. “Stop growing, girl! You’ll end up taller than me if you continue.”

Grace giggled proudly. “I’d like to be as tall as you, Auntie Tan.”

“You do, do you,” Tanya laughed. “Oh, it’s good to see you, squirt. I’ve missed your bone-crushers!”

I was stunned, really. Just when I thought that I couldn’t possibly be more attracted to Tanya, she pulled this trick out of her sleeve. Her adorable and completely natural relationship with her niece had just earned five billion points in my book. 

“Is your parents here too?” Tanya asked and glanced around in the yellow hallway. 

“Dad is. But not mom. She’s at home.”

“Oh, I see,” Tanya nodded, and I breathed a sigh of relief. No Tina. Awesome. Yes. That was good. 

“Dad is talking to one of the doctors about grandpa,” Grace continued. “But before he went in there, he told me to ask you to buy me something from the vending machine.”

I chuckled. 

“He did, did he?” Tanya said amused. “Well, I guess we better do that, then. Come on, squirt.” 

They started walking down the hallway towards the vending machine, and I immediately noticed how Grace took Tanya’s hand as they went. That was adorable. This kid really adored Tanya. You could tell from the way she looked up at Tanya. She adored and idolized her. Looked up to her. I chuckled quietly and thought to myself that Tanya had been holding out on me when it came to her relationship with Grace. She had failed to mention how utterly adorable her relationship with her niece was, and I was never gonna let her hear the end of it. 

We made it to the vending machine at the bottom of the yellow hallway, and Tanya started searching her pockets for coins.

“Tell me about Hollywood!” Grace said excitedly.

I chuckled again. 

“I don’t know what’s going on in Hollywood right now, squirt,” Tanya teased. “I’m not working right now.”

“No, but you will be again soon,” Grace huffed. “Dad said you’re going to England to shoot a movie!”

“That’s right,” Tanya replied, clearly surprised. “I am, yeah.”

“What kind of movie?” Grace continued eagerly. She clearly wanted to know all about what her glamorous aunt had been up to. 

“The kind you’re not old enough to watch yet,” Tanya teased good-naturedly. 

“Why? Is it ‘cause there’s a lot of kissing?” Grace asked simply, and I spluttered. 

“Jesus,” Tanya said and snorted. 

“Mom says that’s why I can’t watch ‘Love Me Not’,” the clever little girl continued and pouted.

Tanya was clearly very amused now. “The movie I’m shooting in England is gonna be a scary one, okay? That’s why you cannot watch it.” she grumbled under her breath as she searched her pocket once more. “Sh- oot. I’m out of coins. Again.” 

Now I suffocated a chuckle. This was in no way a new situation. Tanya was often out of coins. She preferred using her credit card, but credit cards were no good for vending machines. 

“Is Genevieve here?” Grace asked curiously. 

“No, she stayed home with Frank this time,” Tanya replied, and after having checked her pockets one more time, she turned to me and asked: “Mara, do you think you have any coins?”

“I might have,” I said and wrestled my too-little clutch open. I could hear the coins slide around in there. Now I just had to grab a handful of them. Which proved to be more difficult than I had imagined. I should have brought a bigger bag. After a moment of fumbling I succeeded, though, and could give Tanya a handful of coins. “Here you go.”

“Thanks. What do you want from the vending machine, Gracie?”

“Chips,” Grace said without skipping a beat and then looked up at me with her big, hazel eyes. “Who are you?”

Oops, I hadn’t even introduced myself to her. I had sort of forgotten because I was too damn busy fawning over her adorable relationship with Tanya. But then again, Tanya hadn’t actually made any attempt at introducing me either. Maybe she was waiting for me to initiate it or something. If that was the case, I would do something about it. “I’m Mara,” I told her and smiled. “Mara Swanson. And you’re Grace.”

“Grace Marie Wilson,” she said with a formality that was beyond her years, and she even stuck out her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” I said pleasantly surprised and extended my hand out towards her. We shook hands once. “Tanya’s told me so much about you, Grace.”

“Do you have a middle name too?” she asked curiously. 

“I do, actually,” I laughed. “Denise.” 

“Mara Denise. That’s pretty,” Grace said, nodding in approval. She then glanced at Tanya and then quickly back to me. “Are you one of auntie Tan’s friends?”

Now I was the one to quickly glance at Tanya. She had been busy trying to get the vending machine to work, but now her attention was on Grace me. I took a breath, felt the anxiety again, then pulled myself together. “Well, actually-“

“Actually, Mara is more than just my friend,” Tanya interrupted, and I felt kind of grateful. I wasn’t irritated that she had interrupted me. Of course she wanted to be the one to tell her niece. I could understand that. 

“Oh,” Grace said, frowning slightly as she looked from Tanya to me. “You mean she’s your... girlfriend?”

“She is, yeah,” Tanya confirmed and jumped a little when the vending machine suddenly came to life and spat out the promised bag of chips. She took the bag and handed it to her niece.

Grace accepted the bag of chips, but she was still frowning. “I don’t understand,” she said. “Grandma Lizzie said that you had met a boy in LA and that was why you hadn’t been home for such a long time.”

Tanya sighed deeply. “Jesus Christ, she said that to you?”

“Yeah...”

“I don’t believe her. I literally do not,” Tanya said tightly and put a hand on Grace’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s go into the waiting room and talk. You can eat your chips while we talk.”

I followed them back down the hallway and into the waiting room. We sat down in three of the ugly, orange chairs. Grace in the middle with me on her right and Tanya on her left. 

Grace opened the bag of chips. Fished one out and stuffed it inside her mouth. Crushed it between her teeth. Swallowed and then looked back at her aunt. Her hazel eyes were full of depth all the sudden, and she looked wiser beyond her years. “There never was any boy in LA was there?” she asked quietly. 

“No, sweetie. There wasn’t,” Tanya said softly. “There’s only been Mara. Can I have one of those?” she nodded towards the bag of chips. 

“Sure.” Grace looked at me. “You want some too?”

“Uhm, yeah! Thanks,” I said, once again pleasantly surprised by this little girl. 

We helped ourselves to a few of her chips, and once we were done crunching, Grace had another question for Tanya: “why did you stop coming home all the sudden? We were supposed to go riding, but then mom came and told me that you wouldn’t be coming home any way. She didn’t want to tell me why, but Grandma Lizzie told me that it was because you had gotten a new boyfriend.”

“I’m afraid that’s not true,” Tanya sighed. “But I’m honestly not sure how much of it I should tell you, squirt.”

“I wanna know why you stopped coming home!” Grace insisted. “I’ve missed you so much, auntie T! Please tell me!”

Tanya rubbed a hand over her face. “Your mom is just gonna adore me for this, but I suppose you’re entitled to know. It was actually Matthew and Elizabeth who asked me not to come home.”

Grace’s eyes widened. “Grandpa and grandma said that? But why?!”

“Because....” Tanya bit her lip. “Because I’m gay, Grace. You know what that means, don’t you?”

“That you don’t like boys,” Grace said automatically. “I once saw a program about it! That lady from Ally McBeal who has the same hair as you was in it!”

“Portia De Rossi,” Tanya chuckled. 

“Yeah, her!” Grace said excitedly. “She was in the program with Ellen!”

Tanya laughed again. “You know Ellen. That’s great, squirt.”

But Grace looked ever so serious as she looked from Tanya to me. “So... are you guys like Portia and Ellen? I thought they were kinda cool.”

I grinned. Couldn’t help it. I really liked Grace’s approach to this. “Yeah, I guess we are,” I told her. 

“Oh, okay,” Grace said, still frowning. “But is that.... a bad thing?”

“No!” Tanya said firmly and quickly. “It’s not a bad thing at all, Grace.”

“Then why did you stop coming home?” Grace asked, but then, in the same breath: “Did... Did grandma and grandpa think it was bad?”

“They did, yeah,” Tanya nodded. 

“Why?” Grace asked. “That’s silly!”

“Mmm, it is, isn’t it?”

Grace abandoned the bag of chips. “So they told that you can’t come home just because you’re like Portia? But you’ve done nothing wrong! At least I don’t think you have.”

“And you know what?” Tanya put her hand over her niece’s. “That’s what matters the most to me, Squirt. That YOU don’t think it’s wrong.”

“But grandpa and grandma does, right?” Grace continued. 

Tanya shrugged. 

Grace took her silence as a yes. “And... my mom and dad? Do they think it’s wrong too?” 

“I don’t think your mom quite.... understands it,” Tanya said diplomatically. 

“But maybe she could learn to understand it?” Grace said. “I mean, it’s not that hard, is it? You’re still my aunt, right? And you’re still grandma and grandpa’s daughter. I mean, it’s not like you’re any different just because you’re... gay.”

“That’s right, I’m not. Come here!” Tanya said and tugged Grace into her arms. 

“No, aunt T!” Grace protested and giggled. 

“I am still your aunt who hugs you in a rrrreeaaally embarrassing way even though you’re too old to be hugged!” Tanya teased and shamelessly ruffled Grace’s hair. 

“Noooo, aunt T! Stop it!”

“Never!” 

Tanya seemed years younger and less under pressure. Our eyes briefly met, and I smiled widely at her. Favorite aunt indeed. Grace adored Tanya. No matter what. Grace was nothing like her mom Tina. She was completely different. Not damaged by her mom’s stupid opinions, and I was so, so relieved. Tanya’s niece was a smart kid who knew the real difference between right and wrong. 

“I don’t want you to disappear again, auntie T,” Grace said quietly. 

“Hey,” Tanya said, running her fingers through Grace’s now tousled hair. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll always only be a phone call away. And speaking of phone calls... That number you used to call me yesterday... Which one was that?”

“Mine,” Grace said proudly. “Dad gave me a cellphone!”

“Oh, wow!” Tanya said. “He did? That’s so cool!”

“Now we can talk all the time!” Grace excitedly continued. “Isn’t that awesome?”

“It really is!”

“You’ll save the number, right? I already saved yours.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll save it,” Tanya assured with a smile. 

“How long are you gonna stay? Can we go riding?”

“I’m only staying for a few more days, so there might not be enough time to go riding, but maybe you could come to the hotel and have lunch with us? If your mom and dad says it’s okay, of course.”

“Or maybe I could just go back to Los Angeles with you,” Grace mumbled and slung her arms around Tanya’s waist. “I don’t want you to go!”

Tanya wrapped an around Grace’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Squirt. I’m not going anywhere. Not really. We’ll see each other all the time, I promise.”

The door to Matthew’s private room was opened, and Stephen stepped into the waiting room. He was wearing grey chinos and a white button down and looked very much like a city boy who had ended up in the country by accident. Seriously, those shiny black shoes he was wearing were the least country things I had ever seen in my life. 

“Hey there,” I greeted and smiled at us. “Gracie, go to the bathroom.”

“I don’t need the bathroom,” Grace said immediately. 

“Yes, you do,” Stephen chuckled. “You didn’t want us to stop on the way here, and you’ve been postponing going all morning. Come on. Off you pop.”

Grace looked doubtfully at Tanya. “Are you still gonna be here when I come back?”

“Of course I am. Now go. And hurry before I eat all your chips!”

Grace giggled, disentangled herself from Tanya and then disappeared out of the room. I could hear her shoes click as she skittered down the hallway. 

Tanya glanced towards the door to the private room. “How’s the old man doing today?”

“His brain activity seemed to be a little higher, but apart from that, no change,” Stephen replied. “The kid happy to see you?”

“Yes, she was,” Tanya nodded and raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “Does Tina know that you took her to see me?”

“No,” Stephen said shortly. “That was a decision I made on my own.”

“Dear me, she won’t be happy about that,” Tanya dryly observed. 

“Maybe not, but what’s done is done. Did you tell her?” now he was asking both of us, and I didn’t need to ask what he meant. 

“We did,” I said with a slight nod. 

“Good. I’m growing sick and tired of all those lies.” 

Tanya frowned slightly at her cousin’s husband. “What is this, Stephen? Are you suddenly rebelling against Tina or something?” 

“I don’t know about that,” Stephen said, folding his arms across his chest. “I just think it aint right, the way they’ve been treating you.”

Tanya swallowed thickly at that, and her voice was small and vulnerable when she said: “no, I don’t think so either.”

I immediately reached out and took her hand. For Christ sake, she looked like she was on the verge of tears!

“Gracie’s been asking for you for the past six months,” Stephen continued. “And it’s not solely up to Tina to decide who she sees and doesn’t see. I’m her dad, and I decide that she’s allowed to see her aunt! I mean, for god’s sake, I don’t know what they’re hoping to achieve by estranging you! It’ll only cause irreversible damage, and I’ve told Elizabeth that a million times!”

“Well, I thank you for fighting on my behalf,” Tanya said quietly. “But I’m afraid it’s a lost cause.”

“Maybe. But that shan’t prevent me from trying. And it certainly won’t stop me from letting you see Gracie.” He smiled at her. “It was a damn good interview you gave. I read all of it.”

“You did?” Tanya said surprised and flashed him a smile. “It was one of the best ones.”

“Pulitzer stuff,” I piped up and grinned. 

Tanya mock sneered at me. “Well, of course YOU think so, darling. You’re biased.”

“Obviously,” I teased and squeezed her hand. 

She rolled those green eyes at me, and I said something teasing in response that made both her and Stephen laughed. All three of us were still laughing when Grace came back to the waiting room. She glanced suspiciously between us, but then visibly relaxed when she discovered that nobody were angry. She settled down next to Tanya and the two of them shared the bag of chips. Grace told Tanya about how everything was going at school, and in return, Tanya told Grace all about ‘Hollywood’. Grace lapped it all up, and her eyes went particularly round when she heard about the Golden Globe awards. She had no idea that Tanya had won an award, and she almost shrieked when Tanya showed her the pictures on her phone. 

“You guys look so pretty!” she exclaimed. “I love your dress, aunt T!”

“Thanks,” Tanya smiled. “Yeah, that was one he- heck of a dress.”

I snickered. She wasn’t really acing the whole try not to curse thing. 

And Grace noticed it too. “You’ve stopped calling me a little shit,” she nonchalantly pointed out. 

Tanya nearly dropped the phone. “Grace! You’re so not supposed to say that!”

Both Stephen and I laughed. Grace looked rather proud, and Stephen didn’t scold his daughter for saying a bad word. He just shook his head a little.

“You said it though,” Grace continued. 

“One time.”

“Three times, auntie T.”

“Okay, okay, so I might have said it three times,” she admitted. “But I’m done saying that. And you’re supposed to forget about it!”

“But it was funny,” Grace said plainly. 

Stephen let out another snicker. 

“Jesus, girl!” Tanya puffed out a breath. “Since when are you this sassy?!”

Grace giggled proudly. Being called sassy by Tanya was clearly the highest type of praise one could get. And it was adorable. 

The door to the waiting room opened again, and my heart sank a little when I saw who it was. Elizabeth. Elizabeth in a grey dress with a high collar that made her seem even tinier. Elizbeth with her honey   
brown hair tied back in a short ponytail. She looked quite surprised when she saw Tanya. She hadn’t expected to see her. “Tam- Tanya,” she said. “You’re here again.”

“As you can see,” Tanya said dully. “But I think my presence is fairly needless. His condition hasn’t changed.” She looked at her niece and smiled. “And besides, we’ve already covered the most important thing, isn’t that right?”

Grace nodded, but still looked rather unhappy. “You’re going?”

“Mmm. But you haven’t seen the last of me,” Tanya said as she stood from the orange chair.

“Promise?” Grace asked quietly. 

Tanya crouched down so they were at eye level with one another. “You have my word, kiddo. I’m not just gonna disappear, okay?”

“Okay,” Grace said, still quietly. Then she hugged Tanya tightly. 

Tanya returned the hug and then whispered something in Grace’s ear. Something that made the girl giggle and go: “stop it, aunt T!”

“Never,” Tanya assured. “And give me a call, okay? Whenever you want to.”

“I will. Promise!”

“That’s my awesome niece,” Tanya joked and ruffled Grace’s hair once more.

Grace giggled again, then looked at me. “Bye, Mara. It was really nice to meet you!”

“It was nice to meet you too, Grace. I hope we’ll see each other again soon.”

“Me, too!” Graced cried excitedly. “That could be so much fun!”

“It sure could,” Tanya agreed. She released Grace, flashed Stephen a grateful smile and then nodded towards the door. 

I took the cue. And took her hand. Said my goodbye to Stephen and then left the waiting room with Tanya. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I could sense that she had gotten antsy again because of Elizabeth’s surprise appearance. I released her hand and slung my arm over her shoulder. It was a bit awkward because she was taller than me, but I could tell that she appreciated the gesture anyway. She turned her head and smiled at me. 

“What a great kid,” I said softly. 

“Yeah, Grace has always been awesome,” Tanya replied. “And I think she really likes you.”

“You do? Seriously?” I felt all kinds of flattered.

“Yes, seriously,” Tanya quipped but then grew serious again. “I’d like if you and she could hang out sometimes. Would that be okay with you?”

“Yeah, totally! I’d really like to get to know her more,” I said warmly and gave her a little squeeze with my arm as we continued down the hallway. “Any person who adores you, is definitely worth hanging   
out with!”

“Why are you sucking up, Swanson?” Tanya teased and smirked. “Are you by any chance trying to-“

The rest of the sentence drowned in the sound of the door to the waiting room opening. Tanya and I instinctively turned around. I had half-way expected it to be Grace coming back to get an extra hug before Tanya left or something like that, but it was not Grace. It was Elizabeth. And she was coming towards us. 

Tanya let out a quiet groan. “Now what?”

“Good question,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what Elizabeth wanted, but I knew for a fact that I was going to yell at her if she started saying shit to Tanya, and that was for sure. I didn’t even care that this   
was a hospital. Nothing could stop me from biting her head off if she started anything. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow in expectation when Elizabeth reached us. She didn’t say anything. It was up to Elizabeth to start a conversation if she wanted one. 

And she clearly did. “Have you seen your father today?” she asked. 

“No, but Stephen said that his condition is basically unchanged,” Tanya said shortly. “Should there be a change however, I will come and see him.”

“You’ve seen Grace,” Elizabeth continued, fingers worrying the cross pendant again. 

“I have. Stephen was smart enough to go against his crazy wife’s wishes and bring her over!” Tanya snapped. 

Elizabeth took a breath. “I did not know that your cousin had prevented her from contacting you.”

“I’m not so sure I believe that, Elizabeth,” Tanya scoffed. “But you WERE the one to tell Grace that I didn’t come because I had met a man, isn’t that right?” she took a step closer to Elizabeth. “Do not EVER lie to Grace about my whereabouts! And never again make it sound like I was the one who wouldn’t come home! It was YOU and Matthew who forbade me to come home!”

“Grace was confused and was asking questions,” Elizabeth said and attempted to straighten her posture. “I didn’t know what else to tell her!”

“How about the truth?” I suggested with a snort. 

“Yes, how about the truth, Elizabeth?” Tanya added. “Because you know what? I just told Grace the truth. And the sky didn’t fall down. She handled it like a boss. In fact her reaction was more mature and grown up than the bunch of adults she’s surrounded with on a daily basis, how about THAT?!” with that she turned around and gestured for me to follow her. 

I did so, but we didn’t get very far before Elizabeth called out again: “Tanya, wait!”

Tanya turned her head. “What? What else can you possibly have to say to me?”

“Where are you staying?” Elizabeth asked. 

Tanya raised an eyebrow. “In a hotel, obviously. Where else? Is this the part where you invite me to sleep in my old room, because that is not gonna happen....”

“I was thinking about your horse,” Elizabeth said tightly. 

“What about it?”

“Are you gonna come and see her?”

Tanya scoffed now. “You mean to tell me that she’s not dead? You didn’t have her put down when you wrote me off?”

“Of course we did not,” Elizabeth said just as tightly. “She hasn’t been ridden for a while, and I think she misses it. She’s making a lot of noise in the stables.”

“I see. If her presence is problematic, I can have her removed to a farm closer to Los Angeles. Perhaps I should have done that a while ago.”

“We have plenty of room for her,” Elizabeth said. She was tugging at the cross pendant again. “All I’m asking is if you are planning on coming home to see her this time?”

Tanya looked a hundred percent skeptical. “It is a long drive from the hotel, but I’ll try and see if I can swing it.”

“If you were to come over to the farm, you could... stay for dinner.”

“Dinner?” Tanya chuckled wryly. “Seriously? You ban me from coming home, and now you want me to come over for fucking DINNER?! Are you kidding me?!”

“Tanya, please,” Elizabeth said. “I’m... I’m trying.”

“Trying what, exactly? To earn my forgiveness because you all the sudden feel guilty? Or because you’ve actually acknowledged that you’ve screwed up?”

Elizabeth’s lips became a thin line. “I would like if you could come for dinner while you’re here.”

“And would you like it if that invitation is extended to my girlfriend? Because that’s the catch. If Mara isn’t invited, I’m not coming either.”

Elizabeth said absolutely nothing. Her lips were still a thin line, and her fingers restlessly played with the cross pendant. 

“Yeah, I figured,” Tanya said dryly. “Goodbye, Elizabeth. Do let me know if Matthew’s condition changes. Come on, Mara. Let’s go.” she turned around. 

I followed her down the yellow hallway. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but figured the questions could wait until we were in the car. I tightened my arm around her shoulders in a quiet attempt to console her as best as I could. I felt tempted to stop her and kiss her right here, but I figured that too could wait until we were in the car. But then I would absolutely kiss her! I’d kiss the hell out of her, and I wouldn’t stop until she was gasping for air! Then I would suggest that we drove back to the hotel and tried the nice swimming pool. Relaxed in the hot water instead of driving around. She needed a chill day where we didn’t do anything. We could always take another trip to Montana where she showed me around. It didn’t have to be this time around. She looked so drained. I didn’t want her to pretend that she was fine when she wasn’t. I wanted to protect her. In every possible way I could. That was another very important part of the girlfriend-label, and if she needed a chill day at the hotel where she finished her book and watched crappy television, that’s what we would do then. Done deal. 

“Both of you!”

Elizabeth’s outburst startled us both, and Tanya whirled around on the spot. “What did you say?” she asked with feigned politeness. 

“The invitation will be extended to.... to both of you,” Elizabeth said strained and glanced very briefly at me. “She can come too.”

“’She’ has a name,” Tanya snipped. “Mara.”

“Will you come to dinner?” Elizabeth asked without reacting to Tanya’s comment. 

“I don’t know yet,” Tanya said plainly. “We’ll see. I’ll let you know.”

“Tanya-“

“If we stop by, it’ll be to see my horse and show Mara where I grew up. And absolutely nothing more. Goodbye, Elizabeth.” Tanya turned around again, and this time Elizabeth didn’t stop her. 

Nor did I. I just gave her another squeeze. A reminder that I was there no matter what. Whether it was for meeting with nieces or weird dinners at the childhood home...


	26. Lipstick Marks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Tanya actually didn’t look all that beat up when we arrived back at the hotel. She had been a little quiet in the car on the way back. She had been the one driving, but the silence had been filled out by the radio instead of talking. Except for when she was cussing at the other cars. That was one of the things that made me worry less about her. The fact that she still displayed that infamous road rage I had grown so accustomed to over the past five-six months. 

And now she was sitting cross legged on the bed. She had taken off her shoes and was wiggling her feet slightly, most likely to relieve the pain. Her heels had been insanely high. Her forehead was a bit scrunched up, and I figured that it was time to break the silence. 

“Grace is a sweet kid,” I said. 

Tanya’s face lit up. “She is, isn’t she?”

“And totally besotted with her aunt,” I warmly teased and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

Tanya chuckled. “We’ve always had a pretty close relationship, she and I. When she was born, I was the third person to hold her. Did you know that?”

“No, I did not. You’ve never told me.”

“She was tiny. I was terrified of dropping her,” Tanya recalled and chuckled. “God, that was a long time. She’s gotten so big.”

I smiled because Tanya sounded exactly like an adoring aunt would. “She took it well.”

“She did,” Tanya nodded and grinned. “And she likes you.”

“You think so?”

“Oh, I know so. Just the way she looked at you told me everything I needed to know,” Tanya replied and gracelessly let herself flop backwards onto the bed with a thud. The bed-springs creaked a bit. “But   
I did not expect Elizabeth to show up,” she continued, groaning slightly. 

“No, that was a bit surprising,” I agreed. “And so was that.... dinner offer.”

“We’re NOT going there for dinner,” Tanya said firmly and snorted. “The thought alone is making my head hammer.”

“Fair enough.”

“IF we’re going, it’ll only be because I haven’t seen my horse in god knows how long....” Tanya musingly continued. 

“I’d like to see that horse of yours,” I said, wiggling a bit so I could lie down next to her. “You haven’t even shown me any pictures of her.”

“Pictures wouldn’t do her any justice.” Tanya said simply. “I’m telling you, she’s beautiful! God, she’s beautiful....”

I grasped her hand, brought it up to my lips and kissed it lightly. “Then why don’t we go and see her, hmm?”

“I don’t knooooow....” Tanya groaned. “I wish there was a simple answer to it, I really do, but I’m torn. I want to see my horse, but I do not particularly want to see Elizabeth if I can avoid it, so it appears that we’re stuck.” She let out a laugh, clearly tried to be humorous about it, but honestly, she was failing miserably. 

“It’s okay,” I said quickly, kissing her hand again. “You don’t have to decide anything right now. And we don’t have to keep talking about it.”

“To be honest, I am a bit uncomfortable,” Tanya openly admitted. “It WAS a bit of an intense conversation with Grace, and Elizabeth’s surprise appearance was the cherry on top...”

“Is there anything I can do to make you less uncomfortable?” I asked and didn’t even realize that it could sound suggestive until Tanya smirked. 

“There might be,” she said lowly and looked at me with those green, green eyes of hers. 

“Oh,” I grinned. “Well, then...” I reached for her, tried to straddle her waist, but Tanya clearly had other plans. She patted the mattress invitingly, and I found it wisest to do as she asked. I settled back on the mattress, and within seconds she was above me. Chuckling down at me. 

“Have I ever told you that I find you to be awfully pretty?” she asked almost lightly as her long fingers grabbed onto the bottom of my tanktop and slowly began to draw it up. 

“Have I ever told YOU that you’re very good at undressing?” I shot back and shivered a little bit when she bared my stomach. 

“I thought you said I needed assistance with undressing?” Tanya teased. 

“When it comes to you, you do. Definitely.”

“Mmm,” she hummed and bowed her head. Then her lips was on my stomach and I let out a teeny tiny little moan. Her lips were so soft and warm on my skin, and however ridiculous it sounded (and it   
WAS ridiculous, because it had only been a few days since we last slept together), I had missed her. I had missed this kind of intimacy where I could feel her soft lips on my skin, and her hair tickling me. 

That made me chuckle. For more than one reason. 

“I’ve never been with brunette Tanya before,” I teased. 

Tanya looked up. “What?” then realizing: “oh.” She rolled her eyes and tore the dark wig off her head. She fumbled for a second to loosen the little bun she always kept her hair in whenever she was wearing a wig, and then I saw her own, platinum blonde hair spill down her back in fat ringlets. 

“There she is,” I teased and spontaneously reached out so I could touch her hair. 

“Did you miss me?” she chuckled, going along on the joke. 

“I did.” 

“Yeah? And do you think I’ll find out just how much in a moment?” she asked, once again complete innocent as she began to kiss my stomach once again. 

I shivered and cleared my rapidly drying throat. I could already feel the first telltale signs of how much I’ve... missed her. The kind of signs that made me want to squeeze my legs together to get a little bit of friction. 

Tanya didn’t seem to notice my little wiggles. She was still much too busy kissing my stomach. Up and down, from side to side, flicking my navel with the tip of her tongue, and then back to dotting kisses all over my stomach. Twice I felt her nuzzle her nose against my stomach, and while it definitely turned me on, I also found it to be an incredibly sweet gesture. She was clearly a fan of foreplay today. Her blonde hair glided against my skin again, and I shivered. 

“Your hair is tickling me,” I murmured. 

“I can tie it back if you-“

“No. I like it.”

She laughed. “Then why are you complaining?”

“I’m not. I’m making an observation.”

Tanya laughed again. “Then maybe I should make an observation too.” she pushed my tanktop up into my armpits and bared my breasts. Well, almost. I WAS wearing a bra, and now I was kinda regretting   
that. I wish that I wasn’t.

But Tanya seemed extremely satisfied. Her eyes were gleaming as she looked at my black bra. What was it she once had said? That she liked me in black. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. “W-what’s the observation?” I asked a bit strangled. 

Tanya shifted so she was sitting between my legs instead of laying down. “I like these,” she said simply as she palmed my breasts through my bra. 

“Well, duh,” I did my best to tease, but at the same time I brought my hands up so I could cover hers with them. I didn’t want her to move her hands just yet. 

“They’re magnificent,” she continued matter of factly, and I could feel her fingers wiggle underneath mine. 

“Fancy words, Goldstein,” I lightly teased. 

“How else would you like me to describe them?” she asked.

“Magnificent suits me fine.” I moved my hands away from hers and tried grabbing for the bottom of her dress. “Couldn’t you, like.... take your clothes off?”

Tanya chuckled. “Why?”

“Because I wanna see you!”

“Very well then,” she said in a mock-bothered tone and did a little wiggle on top of me as she lifted her powder blue dress up over her hips. Maybe this wasn’t the most graceful she’d ever been, but I was thoroughly enjoying the show. First her perfect, curvy hips came into view. Then her stomach. But right now my attention was on her hips. Or, more specifically on her underwear. Her panties were white. White. It wasn’t often I saw Tanya in white underwear. She preferred black or red. Darker colors. But even though this was a surprise, it was a pleasant one. 

“I like you in white,” I told her and brought a hand down so I could play with the lace on her panties. Most of the fabric was lace, really. And pretty see-through too. 

Tanya made a little sound in the back of her throat. “I’m not sure of it.” she fiddled with the lace on the white strapless bra. “I think it’s a bit too... bridal for me.”

“Bridal?” I raised an eyebrow. “But I wear white underwear all the time, and you’ve never said anything about ‘bridal’.”

“You wear cotton, dearest,” she teased. 

“Oh. Right.” maybe she had a point, but still.... “I don’t think you look bridal at all.”

“Good.”

“Unless that’s the look you were going for, of course.”

“Jesus, Mara.”

“I’m sorry,” I amended while snickering. “Couldn’t resist it.”

“You never can.” She reached back and unclasped her bra. Unceremoniously, she tossed it over her shoulder. I didn’t see where it landed. I was much too busy staring at her ‘magnificent’ breasts. God, those were perfect! So, so perfect! I wanted to touch them more than anything, but Tanya clearly had other plans. She shifted, and I felt warm hands on my stomach. Then her hair. And at last those soft lips of hers. She was kissing my belly again. Unhurried and unfazed by my mutterings about wanting to be rid of my skirt. Either she had gone temporarily deaf, or she was ruthlessly ignoring me. But the thing was... she didn’t really feel ruthless today. The kisses she was dotting all over my stomach felt soft and wonderful and loving. Had she wanted to tease, she would have used a different strategy, I’m sure. I reached down and tangled my fingers into her blonde locks. How did she manage to always achieve such soft hair? What was her secret when she didn’t have a bathroom full of fancy products? I would have to ask her about it one of these days. But not right now. By all the gods, not right now! I had much more important things to do right now. Like soaking up the wonderful things she was doing. 

I quite fancied stomach kisses. And especially when done the way Tanya was doing it. Now she was sort of kissing around my belly button, and I had to swallow something. My throat felt completely dry. 

“So many goosebumps,” Tanya commented, and I shivered when I felt her trace a few of them with her fingers. 

“Yes. Don’t stop.”

She snickered amusedly at my command. “You like this, don’t you?”

“Yes. I really do. Now please... keep doing what you... do.” 

There were no more chuckling. Instead I felt her mouth on my skin again. She had gone back to kissing around my belly button, and I let out a quiet little yelp at the way I felt my abdominal muscle clench. 

Yep, I was definitely enjoying this. Very much so. I could feel how my panties had started dampening, and I let out a little groan. Damn, that was fast. Seriously, what was I, a teenage boy who couldn’t control his hormones? It kinda felt like it. I chuckled quietly. It was official. Tanya Goldstein made me as turned on as a sixteen year old boy. Which sounded incredibly weird, but actually made quite a lot of sense if you thought about it. 

“I like your stomach,” Tanya murmured with her mouth still on my skin. She made it vibrate when she spoke, and that tickled. I squirmed. 

“Yeah, I... think you’ve already told me that,” I breathed. 

“Mmm, you and the rest of the world.” 

“Oh. Right.” that stupid audio file!

“But it’s no matter,” Tanya briskly continued. “I could have said things that are considered even more damaging in the public eye.”

“Such as...?”

“I’m addicted to your tits.”

I bursted out laughing. Loudly and heartedly. God, I adored this crazy woman! I don’t know whether she had been trying to impersonate someone, but the way she had said it had been in a spot on thick country accent. And she obviously rocked it. “You’re right, that probably would have been... pretty damaging in the public eye,” I agreed with her in between chuckles. “But it’s certainly not damaging to ME.”

“No?”

“No. But you know what IS damaging, though?” I asked and licked my lips. 

“No. Tell me, my darling.” 

That almost threw me off, but I managed to hold focus long enough to say: “the fact that you’re not doing anything to them. That’s pretty damaging.”

Tanya chuckled. “So impatient. I thought that was my thing.”

“Yeah, well, right now, it’s mine.”

Another deep, rich chuckle. “I’ll get you in a moment. But first...” she lowered her head and began kissing my skin anew. But now she was mixing it up by stroking my skin with her fingertips. It was actually quite sleep-inducing. I sighed and felt my fingers grow lax in her hair. Aroused and sleepy at the same time. That was quite an achievement. 

“You nicked my soap this morning,” Tanya stated matter of factly. 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“I can literally smell the vanilla, Mara.”

“Oh.” Busted. 

Tanya chuckled. “It’s okay. I’ll have to get used to it if we’re going to live together.”

“Yeah.” I felt a flutter in my belly that was half arousal, half excitement. 

“You know, I’m not so sure I can wait seven months,” Tanya continued a bit slurred because she was still kissing my belly as she spoke. “You might have to move in sooner. Like... in a week.” 

“Can’t,” I teased. “Got a roommate.”

“You’re breaking my heart,” she claimed, but then she laughed almost triumphantly to herself. 

“What’s the joke?” I asked. I too sounded a bit slurred. 

“There are lipstick marks all over your pretty stomach.”

I raised my head slightly. “You’re kidding me?”

“No. But don’t worry. I’ll help you wash them off later.”

I raised my head more properly. Her tone suggested that she was joking, but at the same time I couldn’t be completely sure. I had to see whether it was true or not. And in this case, she actually wasn’t joking. My stomach was indeed full of red lipstick marks. 

“Oh, wow,” I said and squinted at her. “You totally knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?” 

“I might have had an inkling,” she admitted. “But worry not. I didn’t get anything on your pretty underwear.”

Huh. My stomach clenched pleasantly. “I don’t think I’d actually mind that.”

“And I don’t think you actually mind THIS,” Tanya snickered as she lightly traced one of the lip imprints with her finger. “You look good with my lipstick all over you.”

“Better than hickies,” I muttered. Hickies were definitely a teenage thing. There had been this one night where I for reasons had been obsessed with a particular spot on Tanya’s neck. She had woken up with a massive, blue-purple hickey, and she had NOT been amused. Actually, she had ice queened the hell out of me that morning and muttered threats under her breath while using various powders and products to cover the unfortunate mark. I hadn’t been very popular that day. But I had made it up to her at night. For several hours.

“Or handprints.”

“Yeah, that’s- hang on, did you say handprints?!” I lifted my head and looked at my girlfriend. 

Tanya scrunched up her nose. “Oops. Never mind.”

“What do you mean, never mind?!” I scoffed. “I wanna know!” 

“No, you don’t.” she silenced me with a kiss, and I automatically responded to it, but I actually did want to know. Someday, Tanya had to give me the full story of her time as a ‘dominatrix’ or whatever word you used. Not the women she had been with, god no! But her experience of it. It had obviously been a huge part of her life once upon a time, and the way she had spoken of it, although it being so briefly, had more than suggested that it had been one of the things that had kept her sane. Of course I wanted to know more about it. And I mainly wanted to know whether she truly didn’t miss it. 

Because if she did.... Maybe I wasn’t the most submissive nature, but for Tanya I could definitely make an exception. I could... submit to her. 

“Now, where was I?” Tanya said and interrupted my train of thoughts. “Oh, that’s right.” she wiggled down and began kissing my stomach again. 

I groaned. “Seriously?”

“Yes, dear. Seriously. Relax and enjoy it. Think lovely thoughts.”

I let out a sort of chortle. Well, that was definitely an easy task. Those ‘lovely thoughts’ were coming without prompting, and I felt another shiver run down my spine as Tanya made new lipstick marks on my belly. She must have made close to a hundred already. Maybe she was opting to make a thousand. Or a million. That was completely fine with me. My muscles had turned into spaghetti, and my brain was reaching that mushy state. I could almost have been sleepy if it hadn’t been for the way my crotch was acting. The muscles kept clenching and unclenching. I was getting wetter with each kiss, and it was gradually getting harder not to squirm. I tried tugging a bit at Tanya’s hair, but she didn’t budge. Instead I was rewarded with a very gentle nip to my stomach. 

“Tan-yaaaa,” I whined pathetically. 

“Shh. I’m busy, darling.”

I puffed out my cheeks and blew the air out harshly. “Yeah, busy kissing me. You could be busy doing something else.”

“Later,” she said, non-plussed by my complains. “Relax.”

“’Relax’,” I mocked and did my best to imitate Tanya’s hoarse voice. “Right.”

“And less of the cheek.”

Interesting. “Or what?” I challenged. 

She didn’t answer that. She just resumed kissing my belly, but once again my curiosity was once again piqued. Sometimes she ‘slipped up’ and said these very ‘domme’ things, but when challenged she never finished the sentences. But maybe one day she would. Maybe I could coax her into finishing her sentences. Someday. 

“Mmmph!” I was brought out of my musings when she finally moved her lips. Not much. Just a bit upwards to my ribcage. I squirmed. “You trying to cover me in lipstick or something?”

“Maybe I am,” she murmured and resumed her task. Now on my ribcage. I squirmed again and tugged a little at her hair. Man, she was trying to kill me! With kindness. She was literally undoing me with kisses and.... hot air. Yep. She was literally blowing hot air onto my skin. 

“Oh, shit,” I mumbled when I felt another rush of wetness. “There goes another pair of underwear.” 

Tanya chuckled in something that could have been a rather villainous way if she hadn’t been so exceptionally kind to me. “Do you even have any left?” 

“A few. But that’s it. So either I’ll have to go underwear shopping, or I’ll have to go commando.”

“Excellent idea. Though I’m sure it could be interesting to accompany you on a quest to find new underwear.”

“Who says you’re going with me?” I teased. 

“Asshole.” 

“Hey!” I ended up snorting. “You can’t say that to me when you’re in between my legs!”

Tanya’s hand came up to my face. She grasped my chin and tilted my face down. I looked at her. She looked back and grinned. “Asshole,” she repeated in the most seductive tone I had heard. 

“I literally hate you so much!” I groaned. 

She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and send her blonde hair dancing around her beautiful face when she tilted her head. “You do, do you?” 

“Yes. I really, really do!”

“Hmm,” Tanya said. She released my chin and trailed her hand down. 

Before I could even blink, her hand was under my skirt and shoved snugly in between my legs. I gasped and threw my head back. Could feel how my toes curled. 

“Yes, I can really feel the hate,” Tanya said thickly. “It’s quite... strong.” 

I was done playing games. “Please fuck me!” I breathed. “Please!” I couldn’t take much more of this relentless teasing she had been doing up until now. 

She smirked. “Suits me fine. I’ve always loved hate fucking.” 

Yeah, because that’s totally what we were doing right now. I could have laughed if she hadn’t come up to kiss me. Her hand was still under my skirt, and now she was finally, FINALLY shoving my panties to the side. I could almost feel my teeth rattle in my mouth when two of her fingers slipped inside my pussy. Yeah, I was pretty sure this was how I was going to die. With Tanya on top of me and happier than ever. 

“Fffffuck, oh fuck, oh, FUCK!” I cursed as her long fingers curled and began to wiggle inside me. Yep, there it was. She always knew exactly how to touch me. There was never any fumbling to find the right angle. It was always just... right there. 

She broke the kiss, moved her lips, and I shivered when I heard her murmur: “pull your bra down.” 

Yeah, that was pretty much the only thing I could do. With the way she was partially lying on top of me, it was impossible for me to reach back and unclasp my bra. She would have to move for that to be possible. And it would mean that she would have to withdraw her fingers from me, and fuck no, that was not happening anytime soon! Therefore I unceremoniously yanked the cups on my bra down. I probably looked ridiculous with my top pushed into my armpits, my bra pulled down and my skirt still on, but I didn’t feel particularly ridiculous. I felt... sexy. Ridiculous? Maybe. But the way Tanya was looking at me, made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. She had a particular way of making you feel like that. And the look on her face was priceless when she looked at my breasts. She let her free hand palm first my left breast and then my right. “Beautiful Mara. Beautiful, beautiful Mara.” 

Was it possible to swoon when you were laying down? If so, that was exactly what I was doing right now. I could feel my insides melt completely. A flush was spreading rapidly over my face, and I found it particularly difficult to think. It was somewhat amazing that I was capable of speaking. “Y-you’re a fine one to talk about beautiful.”

She smiled. “What makes you think I was only referring to your body?”

“What makes you think I was ‘only’ referring to yours?” I gently retorted. “I happen to find all of you ridiculously- arrgh! Shit!” no, I was not having a seizure, but Tanya had chosen this exact moment to suck my right nipple inside her mouth. I felt my pussy clench harshly around her fingers at that, and the digits started moving again. A tad faster than before. Her thumb was on my clit, and I felt like I was on the brink of something. All her stomach kisses had riled me up, and now it felt like I could come any moment. The tingling sensation in my gut almost felt like pressure, and it left my breathless and unable to do anything but babble incoherent. But I knew that Tanya so appreciated that. God, that woman and her fucking mouth! She was incredible. So, so amazing. I would never get enough of this, of her. And it felt like I was going to die a little bit. 

“Fuck!” I yelled. My toes curled again. 

When the pressure on my right nipple was almost too much, Tanya switched side and showered my left nipple in the same attention. She gave it teasing little taps with the tip of her tongue, then licked around it and finally wrapped her lips around it and sucked it inside her mouth. Her two fingers curled and twisted inside me, rubbing against g-spot without pause, and her thumb was on my clit. She was rubbing it and applied just the right amount of pressure for it to stay pleasurable but still driving me absolutely crazy. God, she knew me so well!

“Fucking hell!” I got out between gritted teeth. I couldn’t stay still. My hips kept shifting and my back arched with each curl of her fingers. 

Tanya’s lips vibrated on my nipple. She was chuckling. Smug bastard. But then again, she had every right to be smug right now. I was literally on the cusp of orgasm. Could already see stars. Could already feel that sweet pressure in abdomen. 

And then, Tanya stopped. Just like that. Her fingers slipped out of me. Gently, but still in the rudest way possible

“What the fuck?!” I bellowed and my head snapped up. “Are you fucking serious?!” 

“Relax,” she scoffed and nonchalantly licked her fingers clean. “I’m not gonna leave you blue balled.”

“Good, because that would have been physically impossi-“ the rest of my dumb reply turned into a yelp when Tanya rather suddenly yanked my panties down and pushed my skirt up rather than pulling it down. 

“Spread for me,” Tanya said simply and tapped my hip. 

That’s exactly what I did. Like so many times before, I spread for her. And like so many times before she flashed me that wicked smirk right before her head disappeared under my skirt. I might not be able to see her, but oh, how I could feel it when she gave me a long, broad lick with the flat of her tongue from entrance to clit and back again. I felt her press kisses all over me, felt blunt fingernails scratch lightly against my thigh before grasping my hips firmly and spreading me wider. I heard a slight creaking from somewhere in my body and briefly wondered if I had just pulled a muscle, but decided right then and there that I didn’t care much. It could wait.

I felt like I was burning. Mostly between my thighs, but if she kept this up, it wouldn’t be long before the rest of me was burning too. Her mouth was a goddamn sin and she knew it. Knew exactly how to use it. All those secret spots and pressure points. Tanya knew them. And perhaps better than anyone. Damn her. She was killing me all over again.

I tried to grab at my skirt to pull it up so I could see her, but her tight grip on my hips made it impossible, and maybe seeing her wasn’t all that important. It was far more important to lie back and feel. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and let out a string of cursed when the tip of her tongue pressed against my entrance and lapped at the wetness there. For a moment it felt like she was going to slip her tongue inside me. But she didn’t, she was merely teasing, and I honestly wasn’t disappointed. Because the next second she wrapped her lips around my clit and began to suck, and that’s when things really started to blur for me. I cried out sharply, voice high and a tad squeaky in almost silent hotel room. The sheets rustled underneath me every time I moved. My hips bucked and my back arched. I had managed to push my top all the way up to my mouth, and now that came in handy. I bit down on the fabric in a weak attempt to muffle the loudest of my cries. Normally, I wouldn’t have tried to be quiet, but this was a hotel room and there were other guests. Maybe. Probably. God, I wasn’t sure right now! I couldn’t fucking think! Tanya’s lips sucking at my clit made it fucking impossible to string thoughts together and get them to make sense. 

As though she knew what I was thinking, she gave me a significantly harder suck that had me spitting the fabric out of my mouth and yelping sharply, hips bucking against her face. My fingers were still yanking at Tanya’s hair. I probably looked like a right mess, but I didn’t give a damn. I was too far gone to care. 

“Tanya! Fuck!” I yelled. Could one actually die from having an orgasm? Like, seriously die? Right in the middle of sex? If not, I would be the first case in a moment. Death by orgasm. What a way to go fucking go!

“Tanya!” I cried again. My tone was bordering on desperate, but I fucking needed to come right now!

She didn’t answer. Of course she didn’t. She couldn’t. But I felt a warm and reassuring hand on my hip. She was encouraging me to let go. With her hands and with her goddamn mouth! She constantly alternated between long, slow sucks and quick ones, and it was all very, very good! 

Fuck, I was going to! I felt myself climbing higher and higher and it almost seemed a shame because she had barely started going down on me, and I wanted more of it. I let out another strangled groan, felt how everything seemed to tighten inside me for a moment. I was literally right there. On the precipice. Ready to tumble over it at any moment.

Tanya felt it. Of course she did. That woman knew my body better than I did. I almost wailed when I felt her slip her fingers back inside me. Soon they were thumping against my g-spot in a relentless, fast rhythm, and I swear, for a moment I was made of pure tension. Everything was pure pressure, but then something unsnapped, and I was gone for. With a sharp cry that first sounded like nonsense but then turned out to be a very garbled version of Tanya’s name, I tumbled over the edge. Star lights exploded behind my eyelids, and I swear that I felt a little closer to heaven for a second as everything unfurled inside me. My thighs clamped down around Tanya’s head. My pussy squeezed her fingers and trapped them. My hands fisted her hair. Pulled and tugged, and for a second the sound of her mumbling penetrated the wall of oblivion around me, but then I turned to liquid and melted into a little puddle and forgot all about it. 

“Ahhhh,” I exhaled, and my hands went limp in her hair. In fact all of me went limp. My legs sort of splayed out, and my jaw went slack. There was only the occasional twitching sensations when I felt Tanya’s tongue between my legs. She had withdrawn her fingers from my pussy, but was clearly in the middle of ‘tidying up’. I let out a tiny little sound. The stimulation was bordering on too much. I needed a break. And I needed to have her in my arms. When I had regained my strength, it was definitely her turn. I wanted to make her come as spectacularly as she had just made me come. “Come ‘ere,”   
I slurred whilst I blindly grabbed after her. 

She chuckled against my thigh. The bed creaked a bit and I opened my eyes just in time to see her sit up, wipe her mouth with the back of her hand and then make a little movement with her head that send her hair tumbling over one shoulder. She smirked at me. “Delicious as always, miss Swanson. Looks like we’re back in business.”

“Were we ever out of business?” I wondered out loud. 

“Yes, I’ve been too busy with family drama. It’s good to be back.”

“You have not been-“

“You look awfully cute half dressed,” Tanya interrupted and smirked at me. “And especially with my lipstick smeared all over your lovely body.”

I chuckled dryly and finally reached back to unclasp my bra. The straps had fallen down anyway. I wiggled my arms out of them and lifted my upper body slightly so I could peel the material away. I tossed it onto the floor. 

“Allow me,” Tanya said with faux politeness as she unzipped my skirt and tugged it down my legs. 

“Thanks,” I said just as sardonically. Ahh. Finally properly naked. That felt good. 

“Believe me, it was my pleasure,” Tanya said and then laughed at her own joke. 

“Actually, the pleasure was all mine,” I assured her and wiggled my toes just to see if they were still working. There was a chance I was still recovering from that most satisfying orgasm. 

“I bet it was,” Tanya replied. She rolled her shoulders slightly and then rubbed a spot on the back of her head. 

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. I knew I had pulled her hair at some point. 

“What?” for a second she looked mystified, but then she chuckled. “Oh, no-no-no-no, darling. I’m rubbing the bump on my head.”

“Oh,” I echoed. “But I totally pulled your hair though!”

“Yes, you did. And it was absolutely glorious.”

I laughed and wiggled to make room in the bed. “Come here!”

She obediently lied down next to me, and as soon as she was properly settled, I hooked my fingers in the waistband of her white thong and declared: “I think it’s time to get this off you, Goldstein.”

“Ya think?” Tanya asked dryly and looked down. 

I followed her stare and swallowed hard when I saw the wet spot on her underwear. So very visible on the white fabric. I hastily yanked her thong down and was about to move my hand in between her legs when she stopped me by putting a hand on my arm and going: “wait.”

“Huh?” I blinked in confusion and looked at her. 

Tanya shifted so she was lying more flatly on her back. “I want you on top of me,” she said simply. 

“Oh,” I flashed her a beaming smile. “That is something I can do, Goldstein.” In a heartbeat, I was on top of her, and I felt nothing but satisfaction and adoration when her long legs wrapped around my waist. For a moment I forgot what we were in the middle of, and pushed her hair back so I could see her pretty face. Her eyes that every so often became my undoing. I bumped the tip of my nose against hers. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Tanya echoed and scratched her blunt fingernails up and down my naked back. “What’s up?” 

I chuckled. The way she said it was adorable. All casual and nonchalant. Like we weren’t naked. Like I wasn’t on top of her. “I think I fancy you,” I teased as I playfully kissed the tip of her nose. 

“You do, do you?” she hummed. “Well, I think I fancy you too. Quite the coincidence isn’t it?” not quite as nonchalant now. I could feel her shift underneath me. 

“Is there a problem, Goldstein?” I asked innocently. 

“Yes. I’m incredibly horny and you’re not doing anything about it,” she stated.

And obviously we couldn’t have that. I immediately kissed her. Her fingers disappeared into my hair, and I heard her moan into the kiss. My intention was to kiss her good and thoroughly, but I didn’t quite get the chance to. Tanya pulled out of the kiss, raised her head slightly and then murmured in my ear: “fuck me!”

How was I supposed to resist that? Of course I couldn’t. I trailed a hand down her body until I reached the place I was searching for. She was wet and warm and there was absolutely no resistance when I slipped first one finger and then another inside her. The look on her face was absolutely magnificent. Her eyes squeezed shut and her teeth sank into her lower lip. Until I covered her mouth with my own.   
To prevent her from accidentally hurting herself and obviously because I really wanted to kiss her. She made this little ‘oooh’ sound into my mouth, and I felt turned on all over again. I wiggled my fingers inside her and wondered how long it would take before she came.

Not that long. The first orgasm was easily coaxed out of her, and she didn’t want a moment to breathe. She wanted more immediately, so of course I gave it to her. How could I not? 

We wiggled and readjusted until I was between her legs and could seal my mouth around her. I thought I had been loud a moment ago, but it was nothing compared to how loud Tanya was. Gloriously loud. The only time where she went quiet was when she was actually coming. Then she shut up for a moment, but it didn’t take long before the chorus of moans would start anew. Usually, it would only take a few soft kisses on her inner thigh. 

Soon I coaxed a second orgasm out of her, and once again she refused to catch her breath for a moment. “That’s two versus one,” she pointed out. 

“It’s not a competition,” I reminded her. 

She scoffed. “I don’t give a damn. Come here.”

“Alright, alright,” I laughed, willingly letting myself be pulled on top of her. In a sitting position this time. 

Tanya rolled her hips, and I immediately understood what she was trying to achieve. Mutual pleasure. I fell into the rhythm, and it didn’t take long before both of us were panting and groaning. 

“Oh, shit!” Tanya cursed and fisted the sheet under her. 

I was not completely satisfied with that. I grasped her hands, guided them upwards. One of them to my breast, but the other I brought up to my mouth and spontaneously brushed my lips over her knuckles. I was pretty sure I heard her gasp a little extra at that. “You are so insanely beautiful,” I told her. 

She made a sort of ‘nngh’ sound in response, and I swear, I felt her hand twitch a little in my grasp. Maybe it wasn’t entirely fair of me to drop compliments when she wasn’t in a position to answer. I turned her hand palm upwards and dropped a kiss on her wrist now. She was getting affected by it. There was no doubt. I heard the very slight little sobbing sound she made. Her hand fell away from my breast, and I would have complained about it if it hadn’t been for the way she grasped my other hand and interlaced our fingers tightly. I did the same with her other hand and felt her squeeze a bit. 

Oh, the things I could have told her right then and there. They were literally just sitting on the tip of my tongue and waiting to come out, but I held my tongue. Now was not the time. And the next second, Tanya rolled her hips in a most convincing manner and I forgot all about words on the tip of my tongue and moaned sharply instead. My mind was rapidly clouding with pleasure, and I squeezed Tanya’s hand tightly. She was right there with me in the literalist of ways, and our mutual moans blended with each other as we found our release together....

We were a mess. I was covered in lipstick. Tanya was covered in lipstick. The SHEET was covered in lipstick. But I didn’t care that I was a mess. I was so fucking happy. I lifted my head and looked at Tanya. 

She was laying upside down. Meaning that her feet were nestled near my head. Which said a lot about our previous position, really. She hadn’t said anything in a while. Three minutes to be exact. I had checked the time on my very fancy watch. And three minutes of quiet Tanya had to be a record. Unless we were having sex, or something was troubling her. We were done having sex (at least I thought so), so maybe something was eating at her? 

I reached out and grasped her ankle. Gave it a light squeeze. “Hey.”

Tanya wiggled her ankle out of my grasp. “Careful. I’ve been wearing heels all day.”

“Right. Sorry. You okay?” 

She chortled. “I’ve just had what... four-“

“Five.”

“Five orgasms. Yes, I’m doing perfectly fine. How are YOU?” she teased and wiggled around until she wasn’t upside down anymore. 

“Boneless,” I said truthfully. 

Tanya cackled. “Exactly how I prefer you. Good.” She stretched and yawned lazily. “We should probably... do something else.”

“Why?” I teased and reached for her again. This time I just so happened to grab her thigh. “I quite like what we’re doing right now.”

“We’re not doing anything.”

“We’re doing plenty. We’re CUDDLING,” I claimed.

“You’re just groping my thigh,” Tanya said dryly. “I’m not sure that qualifies as cuddling.”

Groaning because my girlfriend was being so difficult, I sort of scooped her into my arms which was a pretty big achievement considering how long she was, and then I gave her a little squeeze. “How about this then?” I asked and ran my fingertips all the way from her neck and to her right breast. 

“And now you’re groping my boob,” she dryly observed. 

“You didn’t mind that a moment ago,” I reminded her. 

“A moment ago you were groping it with a purpose.”

“I can grope it with a purpose right now?” I suggested.

Tanya snorted. “Tempting offer, but I think I’ll pass. I’m tired. But give it an hour and I’ll be more than up for it.”

I grinned. Poor her. My enthusiasm had clearly worn her out. But then again, I HAD been very enthusiastic indeed. I chortled again as I admired all the smears of her own lipstick scattered all over her body. It suited her. But we might have to replace the sheet. Tanya had joked that she would steal it and bring it back to LA as a token. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually managed to get away with it. I noted that she had gone quiet again, but this time I had no urge to make her talk. Not when she was lightly tracing the three little freckles I had by my left breast. It tickled when she touched me, and I was pretty sure I was breaking out in a new round of goosebumps, but that didn’t matter. Nor did it matter that it was way too warm for this kind of cuddling and I felt sticky and sweaty all over. We could shower later. When we were done basking in the afterglow. Tanya liked the afterglow. 

But unfortunately, she was prevented from basking it in for a longer period of time. The sound of her phone ringing cut through the silence like a chainsaw and startled us both. I yelped and Tanya said something that sounded a lot like ‘motherballs!’

“I think your phone is ringing,” I told her once I was done laughing at her absurd choice of curse word. 

“Yes, do continue to state the obvious,” she said flatly, outstretched an arm and fumbled blindly after her phone. “If that’s my agent, I’m telling her that we’re busy banging.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” I snorted. 

“Wouldn’t I?” Tanya teased and let out a noise of triumph when she managed to find her phone. I saw her glance at the screen and half expected her to make another funny comment about Stacy the Agent, but she didn’t. Instead she just went ‘hmm’ and sat up. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Well, this is a bit inappropriate,” Tanya said plainly and suddenly got really busy with pulling the sheet up to cover her chest. 

“What do you mean? Who is it?”

Instead of answering, Tanya swiped across the screen, brought the phone up to her ear and said: “hey, Grace. What’s up?”

Oh. So that’s what she meant with inappropriate. Now things started to make sense. I too sat up and pulled the covers up. 

“No-no, you’re not bothering me at all,” Tanya said, voice all light and sweet. “What’s up? What’s going on?” she listened to something Grace said in the other end and first looked a bit confused, but then after a moment, somewhere between amused and scolding. “I’ll say. Aren’t you a clever little monkey. At least a monkey who listens by the door. Which is very wrong by the way.” she laughed heartedly. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t tell anyone about it. We don’t want to get into trouble, do we? No, it’ll be our secret. Mhmm. Exactly like in the good old days.” she pushed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear as she leaned forward slightly. “Listening by the door isn’t exactly right, but I’m still glad you called me.” more silence where she listened to whatever Grace was saying and then: “ooh, I don’t know, Gracie. We’ll see, okay? But we’ll see each other before I go back to LA, that’s for sure. It definitely won’t be long before you see me again. And we’ll talk all the time, yeah? Don’t you worry about a thing. I’m not going anywhere. Okay. Yeah. I’ll tell her you said hi. Bye, Gracie. And thanks for the heads-up. I appreciate it.” she hung up, and even before she had put the phone back on the nightstand, I asked: “what was that about?”

“That was about Grace becoming my official spy.”

I frowned. “Huh? What does that mean?”

Tanya chuckled. “Apparently, she was listening by the door earlier when Elizabeth asked about whether I was coming ‘home’ to the farm this time.”

“Okay. So?” I doubted young Grace had called just to confess the crime to her aunt.

“So she wanted to let me know that Elizabeth will be at the hospital tomorrow afternoon,” Tanya continued. “Meaning that if we chose to stop by the farm, it would be without her... involvement.”

“Oh,” I nodded. Now things made sense. “Grace is a clever little spy.”

“Yes, and her mom would probably skin me alive if she knew,” Tanya said darkly. 

“You’d win that battle, I’m sure.” I wiggled closer to her. “Sooo... What do we do about tomorrow?” 

Tanya didn’t reply. She just quietly put her phone back on the nightstand. Then she rubbed her face in that way she always did when she was trying to focus. I didn’t attempt to assist her in any way. I simply busied myself with playing with a lock of her platinum blonde hair. Quietly waiting while she reached a decision. This was totally up to her. To me, there was no right or wrong answer. If she wanted to go back to the farm, then it was fine with me. If she didn’t want to go back to the farm, it was also fine with me. Her decision completely. I’d understand either way. As long as the decision made her happy. That was the most important thing to me. That Tanya was happy. I stretched slightly. My limbs were a bit spaghetti-like still. It would probably be a little while before they turned into well-functioning muscles again. I rolled my shoulders and winced when noticing that there was a bit of a sore spot there. Ridiculous. Tanya’s leg wasn’t heavy. And it hadn’t even been slung over my shoulder for THAT long. Maybe I was just getting old or something. No. I was sore because I’d had really good sex. That was the only acceptable explanation. Aches and pains after sex wasn’t a bad thing. I actually was a bit sore between my legs too. As Tanya had put it, we were back in business. Most definitely back in business. 

“Fuck it. Let’s do it,” Tanya said abruptly. 

I looked up at her. “Do...?”

“See the farm,” she finished the sentence and flashed me a little small. “How would you feel about meeting my horse?”

I smiled back. “I’d like that very much.”

“Good. That’s settled then. We’ll drive to Moonlight Farm tomorrow. I’ll show you around in the house and stable. You can meet Goldie Hawn. And possibly Elizabeth if she comes home in the middle of it.   
But that’s a risk we’ll have to take, isn’t it?”

“It is.” I nodded and brushed my cheek against her shoulder. “I’m actually looking forward to see the place you grew up.”

“And my horse. She’s definitely worth seeing.”

“And your horse,” I agreed and chuckled. 

“Shower?” Tanya asked and made absolutely no attempt at getting out of bed. 

“Bath,” I corrected. “In a moment. But first...” I stretched my neck and kissed her lips. 

Getting clean would have to wait a moment.........


	27. Moonlight Farm

With the decision made, Tanya and I got ourselves cleaned up. We took a shower that turned into quite the lengthy one. The lipstick marks were difficult to wash away, and Tanya laughed shamelessly at my misfortune despite being covered in lipstick stains herself. But she was actually doing a better job at scrubbing the stains away than I was. So after a while, I asked for ‘assistance’, and Tanya pretended that it was a huge bother for her, but she still more than happily helped me scrub off the lipstick stains. Which had turned me on ridiculously. But Tanya didn’t have any problems helping me with that either.

We ordered food after our shower. Not quite lunch, not quite dinner. Something in between, and it was absolutely perfect. I for one was absolutely famished after our little rendezvous. And Tanya looked pretty happy about the food too. Actually, what she was doing could be considering stuffing her face, and of course I had to tease her a little bit about that. 

“I’m hungry,” she shrugged and stuffed the last piece of croissant inside her mouth. 

“Yeah, I can see that.”

She scoffed. “Do you know how many calories you burn when you have sex?”

“No...”

“Me neither, but I’m sure we just burned the amount of calories people burn when they run a marathon,” Tanya said with a shrug and reached for her cup of coffee.  
I nodded a bit. She was probably right. My abdominal muscles definitely felt like I’ve just given them a good workout. And my thighs. Oh god, my thighs. They still felt a bit like jelly. Maybe I shouldn’t have initiated round seven (ish) in the shower. My back was a bit sore too. Maybe there was even some markings from the tiles left on it. I rolled my shoulders. A little bit of ouch. Probably from the way Tanya had shoved me up against the wall with force. Perhaps I’d end up with a bruise. 

“Poor baby,” Tanya teased with a devilish twinkle in her eyes. 

“Shut up. That’s my shirt,” I dryly observed. 

“No, darling. It WAS your shirt,” Tanya corrected and brushed a hand over said shirt. Another oversize men’s shirt made of flannel and with a checkered pattern on it. 

I settled for grumbling something in response. I would never get that shirt back. She did look better in it than I did. And I really liked when she was wearing my clothes. It was so sweet. Not that I’d ever tell her that of course....

To be honest, we didn’t do shit that day. We hung out in the massive bed and watched an alarming amount of television. I sat leaned back against the big, fluffy pillows, and Tanya insisted upon stretching her legs out over my lap. 

“Jesus, woman. You are all legs,” I pointed out when it felt like I was nearly drowning in legs.

“You didn’t mind my legs when they were wrapped around your pretty little body a moment ago,” she replied without taking her eyes off the screen. 

I grinned. Touché, Goldstein. I had definitely not minded her legs around my body. “I never said I minded it. I just stated you are all legs,” I said and gave her calf a fond little squeeze. 

“That’s how Mother Nature wanted it,” she deadpanned. “And Matthew, I suppose.”

“How tall is he?” I asked curiously. I still found it to be positively interesting that Elizabeth was this teeny tiny woman while her daughter towered above her and was at last three heads taller than her. 

“6’3.”

“Wow. That is....a tall man,” I said lamely. 

“’Beware the Slenderman’,” Tanya joked, and even though I chuckled at it, I quietly found it to be very sad that she just had compared Matthew to Slenderman.

“You know, when I was younger, I wished that I was taller,” I told her. 

Tanya scoffed. “Believe me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I was the tallest one in my class. Hell, I was even taller than the teacher.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“Sometimes they called me ‘Bean Pole’,” Tanya continued and rolled her eyes. “And 'Blondie'. Creative, right?”

“Very,” I said and felt the anger rear its head. “Are you telling me that you were bullied?!”

“Teased,” she corrected. “That’s different.”

“Is it?” I frowned. 

“Yes, of course it is,” she said lightly and patted my hand. “Don’t you worry. I was plenty good at standing up for myself. And I did throw some pretty bad names back at them. I feel bad about that.”

“You were just a kid,” I reminded her. 

“True. But my ‘nick names’ were so much more creative than theirs.”

Despite the subject, I laughed. “Yeah. I’m sure they were.” I squeezed her calf again. “Just for the record, I like that you’re so tall.”

“Yes, you do,” Tanya said simply and smirked at me. Confident yet again. 

I grinned back at her and gave her legs another squeeze for good measurement. Her height was definitely a good thing. I liked all about it....

The next morning, Tanya and I were up bright and early. It was a long drive to Red Lodge, and Tanya preferred to be there as early as possible. ‘We’re not planning on staying there all day,’ she had said last night before we went to bed. ‘And it is a long drive’. 

I didn’t mind the early start. Even though I was a bit sleepy when waking up. But hey, I was being awakened in the nicest way possible. With Tanya kissing the side of my neck and whispering in my ear that it was time to wake up. Yeah, that was probably the best way one could be awakened. 

Tanya didn’t spend as long in the bathroom this morning as she had done yesterday, but she still looked absolutely fantastic. Today she was wearing light blue jeans, a tanktop and my oversize flannel shirt tied around her waist. Her platinum blonde hair had been tied back in not one but two braids. That was a style I hadn’t seen on her before. But it suited her. She looked very country-stylish. 

“All you need is a Stetson,” I smiled. 

“I lost it years ago,” Tanya half-shrugged and touched the top of her head. 

I raised an eyebrow. “You’ve actually owned a Stetson?” 

“Darling, I grew up in Montana. Of course I’ve owned a Stetson at some point. Are you ready to go?”

“I am,” I nodded. 

“You look nice,” she said and smiled. 

I was just wearing jeans and a silly t-shirt with a band name I wasn’t even a fan of. I snorted. “Thanks. So do you.”

“Thank you. Not sure about the braids though. Maybe it’s a little too ‘little house on the prairie’.”

“It is not. It suits you. Really.”

Tanya smiled. “That settles it then. Come on. Let’s get on the road. Before the traffic gets too heavy and all that.” She grabbed the rest of her croissant, stuffed it inside her purse and then headed towards the door. 

“Haven’t you forgotten something?” I asked and raised an eyebrow. 

“What?” her head whipped around and then she rolled her eyes. “I’m not gonna kiss you good morning again.”

“I was actually talking about your wig,” I corrected and nodded towards said wig lying on the vanity. 

“Oh.” Tanya shrugged. “I’m skipping it today. It’s the ass crack of dawn. No one will pay attention to me.”

“If you say so....”

“I do. Now move your pretty little ass, dear,” she teased. 

I scoffed. And did what she asked.

Soon we were back in the car. Tanya behind the wheel, and me on the passenger seat. We buckled our seatbelts and then we were ready to head out on the ‘adventure’. Tanya had been displaying a ‘let’s do this’-attitude for most of the morning, but I could also tell she was excited about this. I think she had missed her horse more than she let on, and honestly, I was excited too. And curious. So, so curios.   
I was about to see the place where Tanya grew up. Her childhood home. That was something I thought would never ever happen. I had thought it impossible. And yet, here I was. On my way to the farm. 

Moonlight Farm. That was such a pretty name. And according to Tanya, it was a pretty place too. Deep valleys and enormous mountains. And trees. Lots of them. “Apple trees,” I said spontaneously upon remembering what kind of trees it was. 

“Excuse me?” Tanya said a bit surprised. And a tad startled. Maybe she had been getting lost in her own little world. 

“Oh, sorry. I just remembered that there are apple trees at the Moonlight Farm,” I said a bit dumbly. 

She chuckled. “You’re right, there is. When I was a kid, I used to love running around between the trees and pick apples. Cute, isn’t it?”

“Very,” I said and ignored the joking tone. My heart was positively bursting at imagining a tiny Tanya running around and picking apples.

“I actually wanted an apple orchard at some point,” Tanya continued and laughed. “Isn’t that ridiculous?” 

“No. I actually don’t think so.”

She shrugged a bit. “Apple orchard and Hollywood doesn’t really mix well, does it? No. I’d probably get bored with it sooner or later.”

“Maybe. And maybe not.” I could actually see Tanya at an apple orchard. Maybe it was the braids who did it. 

“Perhaps I can make it a part of my forty-plan,” she joked. 

“You have a forty plan?” I asked curiously. “What’s on it?”

“Be the leading actress in a romantic movie, be the leading actress in a comedy, and be the leading actress in a thriller.”

“You’re going to be the leading lady in ‘Heiress’ pretty soon,” I reminded her. “That’s one role you can stress of your list.”

“Oh. You’re right. So it is.”

“Got anymore things on the list?” I asked encouragingly. “I wanna know!”

“Get a friend for Genevieve,” Tanya said immediately. “I’ve wanted that forever. A boy. Possibly a Bengal. They’re so exotic.”

“You’ve thought about that, haven’t you, you crazy cat lady,” I teased. “Anything else?”

“Have my horse removed from the farm. I want her closer to me.”

“Makes sense,” I nodded. “Got more things on the list?”

“Come out,” Tanya said flatly.

I was taken a back by that. “Really? That was on your list?”

“It was. Come out of the goddamn closet before I turn forty.”

“Wow. Well, you did that.”

“I sure did.”

“And what else?” I asked lightly. “Is there anymore?”

“Take a refresh course in driving.”

I spluttered. “Seriously? Well, I can only say-“

“Shut up.”

“No,” I chuckled. “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

“I’m aware. But I don’t want to hear your clever remarks about my driving.”

“I’d never say ANYTHING about your driving,” I claimed. 

“Oh, please.” She scoffed. “You always nag me about my driving.”

“Nu-uh,” I claimed. “I’d never do that. Not ever.”

“Sure you wouldn’t, you- hey, watch it you asshole!” she interrupted herself and yelled at the car who had dared swerving out in front of us. “You stupid, fucking-“ she turned her head briefly and looked at me. “Did you see that?!”

“I did,” I nodded. “He totally swerved out right in front of us.”

“Thank you!” she huffed. “Maybe I’m a sucky driver, but that guy in front of us is definitely worse!”

I chuckled, then asked: “so? Anymore things on that list of yours?”

“Almost at the end,” she quipped. “Only two more left.”

“Yeah? Second place and first place? What are they then?”

“Well...” Tanya trailed off for a moment while she steered the Rolls Royce onto I-90 W. She muttered angrily under her breath. About the car who had swerved out in front of us. I was pretty sure I heard her say ‘twat’ at some point. 

But as amusing as that was, I’d rather hear more about her forty-plan. “Well?” I encouraged. “What are the two last things?”

“Well,” Tanya dragged out the ‘l’s’ and turned it into a drawl. Then she smirked. “Winning an Oscar wouldn’t be too bad.”

“No,” I chuckled. “It definitely would not. Okay, so that’s at the top of the forty-plan. What’s the second one?”

“Actually, winning an Oscar is the second one.”

“Seriously?” I raised an eyebrow. “What could be wilder than winning an Oscar?”

To my surprise, Tanya did a little shrug instead of answering, and I was utterly taken aback when I saw her cheeks flush. This was unexpected. Tanya didn’t flush. Not unless we were in bed together, and obviously that was not what we were doing right now. Wow. I really needed to stop thinking about sex. Get it out of your system, Mara, I silently scolded myself. Seriously, I needed to snap out of it and remember that I was sitting in a car. I was NOT still in bed with Tanya. As lovely as that had been, I needed to put it aside for a moment so I could focus on the here and now. And the here and now was that Tanya was sitting next to me and blushing like a schoolgirl. Which was extremely interesting. And a rarity. Tanya wasn’t the type to blush. That was usually my thing. I tilted my head as I looked at her. She was clearly pretending to be her usual self, but I could still see the faint rosy color in her cheeks. It suited her. And I was extremely interesting in finding out WHY she was blushing. 

“What is it?” I asked her. 

“What?”

I rolled my eyes. And now she was pretending not to know what I was talking about. Cute. Real cute. Who did she think she was fooling? 

“On the LIST, Goldstein,” I said slowly. “What’s number one?” 

“Don’t have a number one.”

“Liar,” I chuckled. “You just said there was only two more left. You clearly have a number one.”

She muttered incoherent, and I swear I saw a new wave of rosy color rise in her cheeks. My, this was getting better and better. “Come on,” I coaxed. “Tell me. It can’t possibly be THAT bad.”

“It’s not something bad,” she scoffed. “It’s just... cheesy.”

“I like cheesy,” I said. “Spill it. Please. Come on. I’m your girlfriend. You can tell me anything.”

Tanya muttered something again, but this time it actually sounded like words that had been strung together. But I still couldn’t understand it. 

“What?” I asked softly. “What did you say?”

“I said... the first place on my forty-list is finding a girl who gets me,” Tanya said almost a bit snippily. And still with blushing cheeks.

“Oh,” I breathed. I didn’t find that to be one bit ‘cheesy’. I found it to be sweet. Adorable even. Exactly like I did the blush in her cheeks. 

“It’s cheesy, I know,” she said and rolled her eyes.

“It’s not,” I said quickly. “It’s not cheesy at all. I think it’s sweet.”

“Right. Sweet.” Tanya said dully. 

“It DOES,” I insisted. “It IS.” I put a hand on her jeans-clad thigh. “And how’s it working out for you so far?”

“How’s what working out for me?” she asked a tad exasperated.

“Finding a girl who gets you,” I said softly.

It was her turn to “oh”. She kept her eyes on the road, but I could see that she was smiling. “I think I might be on to something.”

I smiled too. Widely. Idiotic. I DEFINITELY looked cheesy. “Yeah?” 

“Mhmm, might have to remove it from the list,” Tanya said lightly and swiftly changed the subject: “mind opening the window a little? It feels like my insides are melting.”

Yes, it felt like that for me too, but it had nothing to do with the warm weather. This was the kind of warmth that came from within. And it had everything to do with what Tanya had just said. Finding a girl who understood her had been at the top of her list.

“How long ago did you make that list?” I asked nonchalantly. 

“When I turned twenty five and was going through a mini life-crisis,” Tanya replied and chuckled. 

Three years. That’s how long the list had existed. That’s how long it had been Tanya’s top priority to find a girl who understood her. And now she was going to stress it off her list. Because of well........ 

Me. I was that girl. Of course that made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. How could it not?

Tanya grumbled under her breath, clearly directed at the cars in front of us, and clearly trying to give the impression that she was definitely not embarrassed by the previous subject. But I could still see the pinkish glow in her cheeks. I gave her thigh a little pat, and she very quickly turned her head and glanced at me. “What?”

“Nothing,” I grinned. “Absolutely nothing.”

She turned her attention back to the road, shaking her head and muttering under her breath again. Now obviously directed at me. I heard words such as ‘weird’ and ‘sitting there looking like the grinch’. 

She was probably right about that, but I didn’t care. I was the reason Tanya could stress out one of the things on her list. And not just any thing, but the FIRST thing on her list. Yeah, that was awesome. 

And I wanted to help her with eliminating other things from the list. Well, not the Oscar part. She would have to figure that one out for herself. But the other stuff I could help her with. I’d totally buy her a cat. And help her move her horse. The horse we were on our way to see. And overnight, Tanya’s horse had almost gained mythical status in my mind. Maybe because Tanya had been so cryptic about it. Had claimed that pictures ‘won’t do Goldie any justice’. She had actually refused to tell me anything about her precious horse. Not what color she was, or breed or anything. She had just grinned and gone ‘wait for it’, and oh, how annoying she was when she did that. 

“‘The lonesome Texas sun was setting slow; and in the rear-view mirror, I watched it glow. I can still see the wind in her golden hair, I close my eyes for a moment and I’m still there...’”

I turned my head in surprise and looked at Tanya. And she claimed she couldn’t sing. 

She just grinned a bit at me before continuing to sing along with the radio: “’the bluest eyes in Texas, are haunting me tonight, like the stars that fill the midnight sky, her memory fills my mind...’”

I grinned like an idiot. Can’t sing, my ass. Tanya was quite the good singer. Maybe not musical-good, but still good. Very good. Maybe this wasn’t Texas, and maybe my eyes weren’t blue, but that didn’t matter one bit. Tanya looked so good, rocking out to the guitar solo. I had no idea she liked country music. She would probably never stop surprising me. And thank god for that. 

“’For every heart you break, you pay the price, but I can’t forget the tears in her blue eyes! The bluest in Texas are haunting me tonight, like the stars that fill the midnight sky, her memory fills my mind, where did I go wrong? Did I wait too long? How can I make it right? The bluest in Texas, are haunting me tonight, the bluest eyes in Texas, are haunting me tonight...’” followed by a series of epic head-bopping and ‘dancing’ behind the wheel. God, I couldn’t stop smiling. How many people could say they had seen this side of Tanya? Not many, I was sure. I was one of the few, and I felt incredibly lucky as 

I watched her hum along to the last tunes of ‘the bluest eyes in Texas’. When the song ended, and she briefly glanced my way, I hastily looked away. I wasn’t interested in making her embarrassed again. Not if it meant that she would stop singing. When she started messing around with the radio again, I resumed my staring at her. It was a bit surprising that she didn’t notice. But she was too busy complaining about the local radio station we had landed on. She claimed that local radio was crap. 

But I disagreed with her. I actually quite liked the song that played on the radio right now. Soft guitar play and a guy with a butter-voice singing cheesy lines like: ‘Wrote my whole life down in an old book, songs about you and me. Been singing to every soul in Tennessee. Nobody seems to listen, no one ever smiles the way that you do. So I guess you never hear me on the radio, and I'd give up this crazy dream of mine to hold you once more....’

“’ Won't you meet me in Montana. I want to see the mountains in your eyes. Woah, woah, I had all of this life I can handle. Meet me underneath that big Montana sky!’” Tanya sang, easily drowning out the voice of the female singer who had joined in. I could see her rolling her green eyes, and her voice was deeply sarcastic as she sang along. So that’s what she meant with local radio. Literally close to home. 

“’I left town for Hollywood,’” Tanya sang, still sarcastic but clearly a tad amused at the lyrics too. “’Lookin’ for a part to play. Well, you always said I had such a pretty face. But I guess I’m not that pretty, ‘cause no one looked at me the way you do. Well, you’ll always be a movie star to me-“ she let the male singer take over and sing about the big Montana sky......

It was a beautiful, picturesque way to Red Lodge, but it was also a long one, so at some point, Tanya and I ended up at a McDonald’s drive-thru. Both of us were hungry after the long drive, and Tanya ordered us both a cheeseburger and extra fries. Apparently, there was no such thing as dieting when in Montana. 

“Eileen is gonna murder me for this when I get back,” Tanya said and sounded rather pleased at the idea when we got our food. 

“Don’t tell her?” I suggested and happily accepted the burger she was handing over to me. “Thanks.” 

“You’re right. What happens in Montana, stays in Montana. Be that a cheeseburger or lipstick all over the sheet,” she mused and took a bite of her burger. “Oh my god, I swear this stuff is better than sex!”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” I mock-grumbled and changed the subject: “I can’t believe that you actually took the sheet down to reception and said there had been an ‘incident’.”

“Well, there HAD been an incident, darlin’,” she said unbothered. “A lipstick incident. You think I wanna sleep on a dirty sheet?”

“God forbid it,” I said flatly and shook my head. 

“I knew you’d see it my way,” she teased. “You need to get out and stretch your legs or anything?”

“No, I’m good. But it’s a beautiful drive, though.”

“Just you wait until you see the farm,” she replied. “That is definitely worth seeing.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing it. And that mysterious horse of yours.”

Tanya chuckled. “She has a name, you know.”

“Right. Goldie. Is she golden?”

“Nope.”

“Black, then? You like black.”

“She’s not black, and stop guessing,” Tanya laughed. “You’ll find out when you see her.”

I pouted. “Why is she such a huuuuge secret?”

“Because any description of her would be blasphemy. You have to meet her to know.”

“Jeez, okay,” I said a tad impatiently and munched on my burger. I couldn’t wait to meet that horse of hers. It had to be a spectacular one, for sure. I wasn’t that strong when it came to horse breeds, but I had no doubt that Tanya was gonna introduce me to some kind of spectacular horse. Of course she would. Tanya liked beautiful things. Clothing. Cars. Even her cat. So why should it be any different with her horse? 

I ate the last two bites of my burger and watched impatiently as she munched on her French fries. I wanted to continue already, damnit!

And thirty minutes later, my jaw could have hit the floor when I saw Moonlight Farm. A two-storied ranch right smack down on a hill. Made of logs exactly like my childhood home, but completely different in shape. This place had a porch and a roof-window. And right by that window, there was a part of the roof that seemed somewhat flatter than the rest of it. It looked like it was flat and level enough to actually walk on, I noted. It looked a little odd, but at the same time it gave the house character. I continued my ‘gawking’ at the place. There behind the main house, I could see another building. A larger one. That had to be the stables. Impressive mountains were rising behind the ranch, and I could have sworn they were more impressive than the mountains surrounding my childhood home. As I looked around, to take it all in, I saw that the hill eventually flattened out and turned into a gorgeous valley. Open fields and a cluster of apple trees surrounding the ranch. The trees weren’t blooming right now, but that didn’t matter. This place was still absolutely stunning. It took my breath away, and I was almost startled when I heard moo’s coming from the cattle’s. I quickly glanced at the enormous, fenced field to my right and chuckled a little at my own surprise. Right. Cattle’s. Lots of them. Too many to count. But no horse. Where was Tanya’s horse? Damnit. I had hoped to get a glimpse of it the minute I arrived. Instead I could only see cattle’s. And said cattle’s had managed to surprise me. Which they shouldn’t. It shouldn’t be so surprising that there were cattle’s here. Matthew and Elizabeth were farmers, and they probably couldn’t live of their apple orchard despite it being gorgeous. God, what a place! Tanya’s description of her childhood home had not lived up to the real thing. The mountains, the fields with all the flowers, and the lake I had spotted on the field. This place was basically taken straight out of a fairytale. I could almost see Belle come running down the hill while claiming that she wanted more than this provincial life, and even Julie Andrews would probably have been honored to sing about the hills being alive.

“Home sweet home,” Tanya said jokingly as she unbuckled her seatbelt. “Shall we?”

“Holy crap,” I said and didn’t make attempt to unbuckle my seatbelt. “This place is...”

“A ranch,” Tanya finished the sentence with a dry chuckle. “I told you, I’m a country girl.” 

“And Matthew and Elizabeth.... owns all of this?” I asked almost timidly. I was not being greedy, I was surprised. Tanya had told me so little of her childhood home. I hadn’t been sure what to expect. Maybe some windswept little place. Definitely not something like that.

“Yes,” Tanya confirmed as she opened the car door and elegantly got out of the car. 

“Wow,” I said simply, finally unbuckling my seatbelt and following her out of the car. I stumbled a bit as we began our walk. Tanya had parked the car at the bottom of the little hill, so we had a little bit of a walk ahead of us. One that clearly would start with me tripping over my own feet. “Damnit!” I cursed as I managed to stumble sideways into Tanya in an attempt to regain balance. 

“Watch it,” Tanya jokingly warned. “What are you gawking at, Swanson?”

“The flat part of the roof,” I admitted. I was pretty intrigued by that particular part of the house. 

“Oh.” Tanya chuckled now. “Yeah, I used to climb out of the roof window to sit there when I a teenager. It was the only place where I could be in peace. And smoke without being busted.”

“You smoked?” I asked surprised. Another detail I did not know. 

“Yeah, but not for long,” Tanya replied. “Tried it for a while when I was fifteen and quit again right before I turned sixteen. It wasn’t my thing.”

“Fifteen?” I echoed as I followed her up the hill. “How does a fifteen year old get away with buying cigarettes?”

“They flirt with the store clerk,” Tanya sighed. “Which I’m not proud of. Wasn’t my finest hour.”

“We’ve all done things we’re not proud of,” I reminded her. 

“Don’t tell me you flirted with a store clerk too.”

I let out a slight snicker. “Maybe not exactly, but I’ve done other things.”

“Like WHAT?”

“Like... yelling at this brunette I once shared a taxi with,” I grinned. “That was definitely not MY finest hour.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure the brunette has forgiven you.”

“Yeah?” I said goofily, only panting slightly under my breath as the hill became somewhat steeper. “You think so?”

“I know so. Now, what would you like to see first? House or horse?”

That was a tough one. I wanted to see both of it at the same time. But I had heard so little and at the same time so much about Goldie the horse, and my curiosity was almost boiling over. “Horse,” I decided. 

“Good choice. Let’s go round back then.”

“Why isn’t your horse in the same field as the cattle?” I asked curiously. 

“She doesn’t like ‘em,” Tanya replied. “Well, except for one of them. Prue.”

“And who’s Prue?”

“Her pet cow.”

I guffawed, which wasn’t the best thing one could do while walking up a steep hill. “You’re kidding me?!” 

“No. Goldie is very particular about her friends,” Tanya said dead seriously. “And Prue just so happens to be the only cow she doesn’t kick. So they share a field.”

I laughed and nearly tripped a second time. That was hilarious. Like actually hilarious. “Is your horse a bit spoiled, Goldstein?” I teased. 

“Are you surprised?” she rebuffed and shot me an amused look over her shoulder. “Are you having trouble with the hill, babe?”

“No-no, not at all!” I said with false confidence. “Nope, I’m totally in shape. I’m as agile as a mountain goat.” I did a little dance to avoid tripping over a root. “A dead mountain goat.”

Tanya cackled. “You okay?”

“Yup. I’m fine. Totally.”

She didn’t seem very convinced, but she nevertheless continued up the hill. I trailed behind her, and soon enough we reached the ranch. Once again, I was immediately taken by the house, and Tanya actually had to remind me that we were going round back. 

“Oh, right,” I said, tearing my gaze away from the ‘mysterious’ house. In there, Tanya had grown up. She had smiled her first smile, taken her first step, lost her first tooth. The first seventeen years of her life had taken place inside that house. Of course I wanted to go inside. But for now I followed her around the ranch to the large field behind it. I could see a black and white cow munching on the grass, but I couldn’t see any horse. 

But Tanya didn’t seem the least bit concerned when I asked her about it. “She’s probably just hiding behind the trees. She does that a lot.”

“Oh.” I discreetly wiped my brow and felt extremely grateful when a breeze swept over us, bringing momentarily relief from the crusty heat. Tanya’s braids lifted briefly before settling once more. She looked awfully cute with her hair in two braids. It was like she had said earlier today. Once a country gal, always a country gal. 

“You’re not afraid of cows, are you?” Tanya teased and interrupted my fixation with her braids. She had opened the gate and was now walking onto the field. 

“No,” I said and followed her. “Spiders maybe. But not cows.”

“Good. How about horses?”

“Only the really big ones.”

Tanya chuckled. “And what makes you think Goldie isn’t a really big one?”

“Uhh... Technically, I don’t know anything about that.”

She laughed pearly. “Don’t worry. She’s not that tall.” 

Before I could answer, Prue the Cow moo’ed loudly and came trotting over to us. 

“Hello, Prue,” Tanya said amused. “Always a pleasure.”

The cow walked past us without paying attention. 

“You old cow,” Tanya muttered. 

I caught myself giggling at the lousy, lousy joke. But lets be honest, calling an old cow for an old cow was amusing. 

Tanya made an ‘oh, please’-sound. She clearly thought I had a shitty sense of humor. 

So I sobered up and asked: “do we just stand here and.... wait?”

“We could,” she drawled. “But I could also do THIS...” She put her thumb and forefinger inside her mouth and whistled loudly. 

“Okay,” I said a bit lamely. I did not know she could whistle like that. I had never seen her do it before. And I wasn’t even surprised to discover that I found it to be sexy. She should whistle more often. I was about to tell her that when I was distracted by a loud whinnying coming from the bottom of the field. 

A look of childlike excitement flittered across Tanya’s face. Suddenly, she almost looked like a teenager. I suddenly had a vague idea what she looked like when she was fifteen. The look of excitement on her face and the braids completely changed her. “Come on, you,” she said quietly. Definitely not loud enough for any horse to hear it, but she didn’t need to speak louder. The horse had clearly heard her whistle. I could hear galloping. Faint galloping that rose and rose in volume.

“Come on,” Tanya said again. Now she was actually shifting next to me. Like the excitement made it impossible for her to stand still. I had never seen her this excited before. Not even when she won her   
Golden Globe. God, she was so cute like this! And then I saw her. Not Tanya. But Goldie. Exactly as elegant as her owner she was as she galloping across the field. Tall and majestic and snow white. Had I been a bigger dork, I would claim that she was lighting up the entire field. Her mane and tail was long and curly and a shade darker than the rest of her. Seeing her galloping across the field towards her owner was definitely a movie moment, and Goldie was definitely a horse straight out of a fairytale. Maybe I didn’t know much about horses and horse breeds, but even I could see that this was a special horse. All she needed was a horn on her forehead. Maybe it was the childish side in me, but my first imminent thought when seeing that horse, was ‘unicorn’.

Next to me, Tanya was beaming like a kid on Christmas eve. “Is she beautiful or what?” she said more than asked. 

“Holy shit,” was the best I could do. 

Tanya chuckled, satisfied with that. “I know, right?”

“What breed is she?”

“Pura raza española.”

”Uhh?”

”Andalusian. She’s an Andalusian.” 

”Oh, wow,” I said, eyes fixated on Goldie as she got closer and closer. 

“My beautiful girl,” Tanya said dreamily. 

I nudged her. “I’m almost getting jealous, Goldstein.”

“You should,” she drawled. “Because that girl right there.... You’ll never be able to compeed with her.”

“Right, so her and Genevieve are in the top spots. I come in third,” I said and groaned theatrically.

“That’s right,” Tanya said, but the soft look on her face didn’t quite match the teasing words. She turned her head and smiled at me. “But maybe... if you’re behaving.... I might let you share the top spot with my other girls.”

I gave her another nudge. “I’d like that. A lot.”

She didn’t answer. She was far too busy looking at Goldie who now was within reach. She gave a sort of nickering sound and sniffed at Tanya. 

Tanya chuckled and grabbed onto Goldie’s halter. “Hello, gorgeous. Did you miss me?”

Goldie answered by nickering again and giving Tanya a slight nudge with her muzzle. 

“She recognizes you,” I said, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Of course she does,” Tanya scoffed. “My girl is smart. Aren’t you, Goldie?”

Goldie whinnied once more and began to sniff Tanya’s pockets. To my utmost surprise, Tanya thrusted a hand inside her pocket and found a piece of carrot for her horse. 

“When did you even-“

“Like the girl scouts, I’m always prepared,” she interrupted and chuckled again. She stroked Goldie’s long neck as she chewed on the piece of carrot. “That’s my good girl.”

“She’s beautiful,” I said. I could easily understand why Tanya was fawning over her. 

“Damn right she is,” Tanya said proudly. “She’s the prettiest horse there is. Yes, she is, yes she is!”

I choked back a chuckle. She was totally babying her horse in the same fashion she did Genevieve. Tanya Goldstein was a big softie when it came to her animals. But it was obvious that Goldie liked it. She was nuzzling her soft muzzle against Tanya’s shoulder until Tanya started stroking her neck again. Then Goldie let out a slight nickering sound. 

“Say hi to Mara, Goldie,” Tanya said and turned to me again. “Mara. Say hi to Goldie.”

“Alright...” I wasn’t scared of her, but my previous interaction with horses was very limited, so it was with caution that I neared Goldie. 

“She’s not gonna do anything. I promise you, she’s very gentle,” Tanya assured. “She might look intimidating, but I can assure you, that’s not how she is.”

This time, I did actually grin. “Sounds like someone else I know, Goldstein.”

“Shut up, I am not intimidating!” she snipped. 

Now I guffawed. “Uhh... have you seen you? You’re 6’1, you sound like Lauren Bacall AND you look like a cross between Grace Kelly and Brigitte Bardot! Yes, you’re intimidating!”

“I am not- Brigitte Bardot, really?” Tanya smirked. “Hmm. Interesting. Now say hello to my horse.”

“You promise she won’t bite me?” I half joked as I tentatively reached out and touched Goldie’s long neck. She was very soft. 

Goldie whinnied and sniffed at my palm. Tanya helpfully reached within her pocket and handed me another chunk of carrot. “Here you go. Give her a carrot and she’ll love you forever. But for the love of god, make your hand flat. Otherwise she WILL bite.”

“Right. Gotcha.” I made sure to flatten my palm before offering said chunk of carrot to Goldie. And she actually was extremely gentle as she took it from me and started munching on it. 

“Goldie, this is Mara,” Tanya chuckled as she stroked her horse’s neck. “We like Mara. Well, most of the time anyway.”

“Hey!” I gave her a slight shove. 

Goldie whinnied. 

“She doesn’t like that, so you better be nice,” Tanya teased and grasped my hand. She guided it higher on Goldie’s neck, and Goldie made a ‘brr’ kind of sound. She clearly liked that. A lot. Before I could even blink, her muzzle was suddenly very close to my face. And then in my hair. 

“Oh god! Tanya, what’s she doing?!” I asked, contemplating whether I should panic or not.

“Shh. She’s just getting to know you. Don’t worry. This is how she does it. Relax and stay still. She’s not gonna do anything.”

“It’s not like I’m SCARED or something...” I grumbled and tried not to giggle as Goldie’s soft muzzle brushed against my cheek. I could feel the little ‘puff-puff-puff’ of air as she sniffed. 

“I think you are,” Tanya claimed. “I think you’re a teensy bit afraid of my horse, miss Swanson.”

“I am not. She seems very... friendly.” 

“She is. And in shape too,” Tanya observed and raised an eyebrow in surprise as she looked at her horse. “I haven’t rode her in god knows how long and yet she looks all slim.”

“You think someone has ridden her while you... couldn’t?” I asked half-heartedly and spontaneously stroked Goldie’s soft neck again. “Grace, maybe?”

“No-no. Grace has her own horse. And Goldie is very particular about her riders,” Tanya said, reaching out so she could nuzzle her horse too. “She prefers if I’m the one who rides her. In fact there’s only one other person who can ride her.”

“And who’s that?” I asked as felt pretty pleased with myself when I saw the way Goldie enjoyed the neck-scratching I was giving her. 

“Matthew,” Tanya said, reaching inside her pocket. Apparently, she had a whole arsenal of carrot chunks. 

“Oh,” I said quietly.

“Well, that’s nice of him I suppose,” she mused. “Making sure that my horse doesn’t decay.” She scratched Goldie’s neck. “Oh, I ought to take her out on a ride too.”

“Well, you can do that if you want to,” I said. “I’m cool with hanging out in the house.” I was. And I actually really wanted to see Tanya ride on her horse.

“We’ll see,” Tanya said. “For right now, I think I promised you a tour of the house, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah, I think you did actually,” I confirmed with a smile. 

“In that case...” Tanya took my hand and dragged me towards the gate. “Come on. Let’s go and see the Fleming Ranch. I’ll even show you the place where I took my first steps. If you’re lucky.”

The way she said it was deeply sardonic, but I didn’t care. I was really looking forward to seeing that particular place. And the rest of the house too for that matter...


	28. A Guided Tour

Tanya let me into the hallway, and the first thing that struck me was how old fashioned it was. There were red velvet carpets on the floor, a coat rack made of wood. Probably handmade, actually. I could see a very old, wooden staircase, and I immediately stretched my neck like I was a giraffe. Because I wanted to go upstairs but also because the pictures hanging on the wall by the staircase was claiming my attention.

But Tanya lead me through the hallway and into the kitchen instead. “Welcome to the kitchen,” she said a bit sarcastically and made a ‘ta-dah’-motion with her hands. 

“Thank you.” I looked around in the room. Not too big, not too small. But with a nice little window that gave you a peek at the stunning view. The kitchen was a typical nineties kitchen held in typical oak wood and sturdy surfaces. The floor was tiled and checkered. So nineties. The kitchen table was round and looked to be one of those tables who couldn’t be moved. At all. It was covered in a red tablecloth, and I nodded a bit to myself. This place struck me as one where there always a tablecloth on. The fridge was large and grey and covered in magnets and photographs. I recognized a few of them as being of Grace. The lamp hanging above the table was a very typical rice paper lamp. The stove was large and with good ol’ fashioned buttons you actually had to click and turn instead of the modern stuff in Tanya’s kitchen. The coffee machine ditto. So very far from the overly fancy espresso machine Tanya was the proud owner of. The walls were grey, practical. No nonsense. This kitchen was a hundred percent the opposite of Tanya’s high tech industrial kitchen where everything was white and sleek and where you practically needed a guidebook to figure out how the coffee machine worked. And where not even Tanya knew how to cook on her stove. Everything about Tanya’s kitchen was fashionable and screamed Beverly Hills. This time was more functional, I thought to myself as I moved around in the kitchen. There was a thick sheet of paper with a quote written in elegant curse hanging on the wall behind the kitchen table. At least that’s what I first thought. I assumed it was one of those sweet but tacky ‘home is where the heart it’-quotes, but when I got a bit closer, I could see that it wasn’t a quote. At least not that kind of quote. ‘Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.’

“In case you forgot the prayer.” Tanya said flatly. “Which no one ever did. I still know that prayer like the back of my hand.” 

“Everyday?” I asked simply. 

“Before every single meal,” she replied and took my hand. “Come on. There’s nothing more to look at in the kitchen.”

“Okay,” I said and willingly followed her into the room next to the kitchen.

The living room was quite old fashioned too. And a bit overfilled too. Big, sturdy cream colored couches and faded flower pattern. Quilted blankets thrown over the couches. Big wing-chair. I could easily imagine Matthew Fleming sit in that chair and play patriarch. A large fireplace carved in stone. A television that made Tanya’s flat screen seem ridiculously large. Big grandfather clock in the corner. And bookshelves. I crouched down and took a closer look at the books. Many of them were practical books, but there were also a few romance novels amongst them. I assumed Elizabeth was the one to read them. I doubted Matthew read romantic books in his spare time. He seemed more the type to read “The Apple Grower” that had been squeezed in between two romance books. Seriously, Elizabeth Fleming had to be a sucker for a sob story. I could see Erich Segal’s “Love Story” and Margaret Mitchell’s “Gone With the Wind” on the shelf. I never would have guessed that she was into romantic novels. She seemed far too conservative for that. 

I rose to my full height and continued my look around in the living room.

Coffee table made of wood. Rectangular windows with flowery curtains. The walls were painted a soft green color that seemed to match the curtains in some way. An old DVD player and an even older video machine. Wow. Who owned a video machine today? That was actually pretty impressive. I wondered if the little cupboard underneath the television would reveal a collection of old videos. And I wouldn’t even be surprised if that really was the case. I could easily imagine Matthew and Elizabeth sit here and watch videos. 

I could feel Tanya look at me and I was just about to give her my ‘verdict’ of the living room when something caught my attention. The series of framed pictures on the mantelpiece. I could have sworn Tanya was mumbling something when I shuffled closer, but I ignored it and eagerly bowed my head to take a closer look at the pictures. 

The first picture was of an adorable, pudgy baby. One year old at most and wearing a blue frilly dress with puff sleeves and lots of ruffles. A baby with these big green eyes and a big blue bow in her blonde, curly hair. Hair so blonde it was almost white. The baby was smiling widely and proudly showing off two, pearly white teeth. 

“Oh, man,” I said and felt how my insides melted and turned into mush. 

“What? Oh yes, that’s Tina when she was a little girl,” Tanya said stiffly. 

I turned my head and smiled softly at her. “You know, you’ve said a lot of crap to me over the past five months, but this takes the cake.” 

“I’ve no idea what you mean.”

I shook my head a little. “That baby is not Tina. Tina has dark hair and blue eyes.”

Tanya said absolutely nothing. 

“That’s YOU,” I continued and felt how my face almost split in half when I smiled. 

“Fine. It’s me.” Tanya’s voice was all flatness and lack of emotion. “Happy now?”

I took her hand and squeezed it tightly. “You’re adorable.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it! Just look at that bow!”

“Not my best look.”

I chuckled and looked at the next picture on the mantelpiece. Another one of Tanya. But she was older here. Still smiling, but her smile was somewhat more hesitant and nervous. Her mouth was closed. 

“I was wearing braces at the time,” Tanya revealed with a slight scoff. 

“And you had bangs!” I exclaimed and stared myself blind at the picture. Tanya had indeed these sweeping bangs across her forehead. Quite the difference from the ‘parted in the middle’-style she rocked today. 

“Not my best look either.”

“I actually like it,” I decided. “It suites you. You sort of look like a young Laura Palmer.”

“That WAS the style I was trying to copy.” 

“You succeeded. How old are you here?”

“Thirteen.”

“You look cute.”

“Shut up.”

“You do.”

“Right.” she snorted, unconvinced. 

I ignored it and continued my look at the photo ‘cavalcade’. There was still a few more left. But the next one was definitely the one that would startle me the most. At first. I actually thought that this picture was in fact of Tina. The teenage girl in the picture had dark hair. Black, actually. And a nose piercing. A silvery ring in the right side of the nose. My jaw dropped. No way! If it hadn’t been for those striking green eyes, I would definitely have believed that this was a picture of Tina going through some rebellious phase, but again, the eyes were a dead giveaway. She was wearing a ton of dark makeup and was scowling at the camera in typical teenage style. Her cheeks were still a bit round like the previous picture I had seen, but I could definitely see glimpses of the woman the girl in the picture would turn into. 

“Oh my god,” I said, now blatantly gawking at the picture of the dark haired, sulky Tanya who apparently had her nose pierced. 

“You know, it’s an absolute mystery why they keep that picture. Or any of them for that matter,” Tanya mumbled. 

“How old are you here?” I asked. Still staring at the picture. 

“Fifteen.” 

“Is that a fake nose ring, or-“

“I had a nose piercing, okay? I had it done by some shady guy at a fun fair.”

“You. Had. A. Nose. Piercing!”

“Yes,” Tanya rolled her eyes. “Until I started at Julliard. Then I took it out. And I’ve never looked back, thank god. But at the time, I thought I was going to be an edgy teenager with piercings and...   
questionable hair.”

“Your hair is black!” I exclaimed. 

“Yes, so I’ve noticed. I honestly wasn’t doing too well back then.”

My excitement over her nose piercing immediately fizzled out when I looked at the picture again. I could see what she meant. Fifteen year old Tanya wasn’t just scowling like any teenager. She looked uncomfortable.

“I like the dark hair,” I said softly and squeezed her hand lightly. 

“Seriously?” Tanya didn’t seem convinced at all. 

“Yeah. It suits you. But then again, I’m pretty sure you could rock any hairstyle.”

She scoffed. “You done looking at that picture now?”

I nodded. I was. But not done looking at the pictures entirely. I moved along to the next one, and for a second, I was confused. Thought it was a picture of Tanya from when she had featured in a photoshoot to look like it was in the fifties. But then I realized that the woman in the picture was a bit older than Tanya. But apart from that, holy shit! Her hair was platinum blonde, her eyes green, her style was very familiar. In the picture, she was wearing cream colored slacks and a tight-fitted, black sweater. I had seen Tanya wear outfits like those about a million times. And that smile... That goddamn smile. That was... For fucks sake, that was Tanya’s smile. Completely and utterly. 

“Holy shit,” I said and stared at Tanya. “Is that...?”

“My grandmother Evelyn. The best picture of her. And one of the few of them too. She was very particular about being photographed.” 

“Holy shit, she’s you!” I said a bit goofily. But seriously, Evelyn and Tanya could have been twins. 

“Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot,” Tanya said with a slight chuckle. “And that irritated Matthew. He didn’t like to be reminded of the mother who wasn’t there. My grandmother was stunning, and an interesting character, but she was in no way equipped to be a mother.”

I remembered the tale of Evelyn Goldstein. The woman who ventured out and never came back despite having birthed a child. “She’s beautiful,” I said. 

“Yes. She was. A pity you never get to meet her. I think you would have found her to be interesting.”

“I’m sure I would,” I smiled. It was difficult to look away from the picture of Evelyn aka Tanya’s twin, but at last I managed. And that’s when I saw the very last picture on the mantelpiece. 

It was another one of Tanya. The nose piercing and dark hair was gone. So was the bangs. She was back to her platinum blonde looks, and the heavy makeup had disappeared as well. She was older. The picture appeared to have been taken in some kind of hospital room. Tanya was sitting down in a plastic chair and holding a tiny baby in her arms in the picture. 

“Grace?” I guessed. 

“Yes,” Tanya confirmed. 

I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t have any ‘funny’ remarks to say about this picture. Because there was nothing funny about this picture. Even though Tanya was smiling at baby Grace, there was something about it that irked me. Tanya was way too thin in the picture. Her cheeks were sunken in, even when she was smiling, the skin stretched too tightly. Her eyes seemed far too big for her face, and there was dark circles underneath them. Her smile was lifeless. Robotic. She didn’t look like she was... there. 

Instinctively, I inched closer to Tanya and squeezed her hand again. 

“Yeah, I was sick when that picture was taken,” she said a bit gruffly. “I mean, not physically sick, but...”

“I get it. I understand what you mean. You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t,” she said. “Just that I was in a very bad place at the time.”

I wrapped an arm around her waist. Just because I could. And because I didn’t want her to be upset about that picture. “You wanna show me the rest of the place?” I murmured. We had looked enough at that picture. 

“Yes. Absolutely. Come on.” she tugged me away from the mantelpiece and out of the living room. “You haven’t seen the dining room yet.”

I followed her and tried to ignore the tight feeling I had gotten in my belly when seeing that picture of the dangerously thin Tanya. I knew it had been bad, but I hadn’t been prepared to see the physical evidence of what she was going through. That picture was scary. That picture was an evidence of what a mental illness and unsupportive parents can do to you. Yet again I felt a wave of anger towards Matthew and Elizabeth. Why couldn’t they just have been there for their daughter instead turning their backs on her when she needed them the most? Never again, I decided. That was the last time Tanya would feel abandoned. 

The dining room was by far the biggest one in the house. And maybe the darkest one yet. The walls were of dark mahogany. Was it designed to look a bit weathered? Or was it simply a bit weathered? I wasn’t sure, but it definitely was a great effect. This room wasn’t 90’s like at all. This was more 1800 century than the rest of the place. There was a large and long table in the middle of the room. Made of dark wood, of course. Two massive benches of the same old-fashioned dark wood. and a chandelier dangling above the table. A chandelier with REAL candles in it, mind you. There was no electric nonsense here. Hollowed wooden beams at the ceiling that only added to the atmosphere in the room. The floor was made of wood, of course, and it echoed slightly in the room when you walked on it. 

Just like the rest of the house, the room was very old fashioned. I could easily imagine this room having been used for ballroom dancing a few hundred years ago. And it was probably still used for social gatherings today. Formal ones. Celebrations that needed a little extra than just the kitchen. There were heavy, bottle green curtains for the window, and I thought to myself that out of the rooms I had seen so far, this one was my favorite. I glanced around one more time and was immediately drawn to the large painting of the virgin Mary and baby Jesus. It almost covered one wall. I actually didn’t know that Tanya had grown up in such a religious home. She had hinted it a few times, and seeing Elizabeth play with her cross pendant had been a pretty good indicator, but still, I did not know that this was a home where there were pictures of Jesus on the wall. Of course there was nothing wrong with that, but there was something wrong with the way Elizabeth had used the word ‘sin’.

“This is where we put up the Christmas tree,” Tanya revealed. “Every single year. And right there-“ she pointed to a spot in the middle of the room. “Was where I took my first steps. Or so I’ve been told at least.”

“Aww,” I cooed and could almost see the blonde-haired, chubby-cheeked baby taking her first wobbly steps. Seriously, baby-Tanya was adorable. Even though Tanya claimed otherwise. Those big eyes and pudgy arms and legs. That fucking oversized bow in her blonde curls. And that half toothless smile. Even as a baby, Tanya had been a stunner. Imagine having those kind of genes. I shook my head a little. Baby Tanya with her already then sassy smile and explosive curls melted my heart completely.

“Seen enough?” Tanya asked half-seriously. 

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Great. Then let’s go upstairs. Come on.” she grasped my hand again and let me out of the dining room. 

I willingly trotted after her up the stairs and only stopped to take a closer look at a picture of a young man with green eyes and very blonde, wavy hair. He looked very young and handsome. And confident. Like he owned the whole world. I had seen that look in someone else’s eyes a million times He was sitting a top a very big, regal looking black horse and proudly swinging a Stetson in the air. It was a great picture.

“Matthew in his golden years,” Tanya said as she turned her head. “I think he’s twenty two in the picture.”

“Wow. You really-“

“Look like him. Yeah, I know. He takes after Evelyn. Not a sliver of Grandfather Arthur in him. And not a sliver of Elizabeth in me.”

“No, that’s pretty odd,” I said, still studying the picture of Matthew. That smile again. Evelyn’s smile. Tanya’s smile. How could Tanya even be Elizabeth’s daughter? They were so... different. 

“Come on,” Tanya interrupted my train of thoughts. She tugged at my hand and lead me up the stairs. 

Once again, I followed her. I could look at the pictures adorning the wall by the stairs on the way down. 

We made it to the upstairs hallway where more pictures were adorning the walls. Most of them were of horses and the ranch in ‘ye olden days’. Black and white pictures of people I didn’t know. Matthew’s father’s family, no doubt. Newer pictures of Elizabeth and Matthew as they looked today, and older ones. Elizabeth in a big, poofy wedding dress with an extravagant veil and her hair rolled into a bun. Matthew in a tuxedo. Both of them standing on the porch and posing for the camera. Well, I assumed that was what they were doing. I hoped so. Otherwise these were the most stiff, most unenthusiastic wedding pictures I had ever seen. Maybe they were standing together, and yes, they were smiling, but there was no contact between them. No touching. No pictures were they were holding hands or holding each other. No kissing or anything. And no proper family pictures either. No one of Tanya or...

“No Evelyn?” I asked when failing to recognize her amongst the pictures on the wall. 

“No. There’s only one picture of her. Remember she was the big disgrace of the family. Well, before me, anyway.”

“Tanya-“

“Elizabeth’s bedroom,” Tanya interrupted when we reached a wooden door. She opened it so I could take a quick peek inside. 

Elizabeth’s bedroom was held in soft, pastel colors and was very feminine. White vanity, big mirror. Flower patterned wallpaper. Light and flowy curtains for the balcony door. Big closet. Quilted bedspread. Singular bed. I squinted slightly as I looked at the bed. Not even if you wiggled could there be two in that bed. This was definitely a woman’s bedroom. And a one person bedroom. 

“Elizabeth is very into the princess style,” Tanya said when I turned around. “Come on.” 

We continued further down the hallway, reached another wooden door. “Matthew’s bedroom,” Tanya said lightly. 

I took a quick peek in there as well. A hundred percent different. Dark interior. Dark walls. A solid dresser and desk. And a singular bed. Again, no wiggle room. No room for a second person. 

“Separate bedrooms?” I asked casually as I turned back around.

“Yes. Matthew ‘snores’,” Tanya said and wiggled her fingers to indicate quotation marks. 

“Oh.”

“Aka ‘things parents say to their nine year old daughter’,” Tanya continued with a scoff. 

“That long?” I asked softly.

“Oh yes. A divorce would probably be more merciful, but that’s not a thing in the Fleming family. Everyone is so afraid of becoming ‘the next Evelyn’. So they remain married in separate bedrooms instead. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them affectionate or happy together. It’s a wonder how they ever got around to make me.” she laughed with a slight bitterness. 

“Well, I’m glad they did,” I said simply. 

“That was an odd compliment, Swanson.”

“At least you recognize it as a compliment. Are you gonna show me your old room now?”

“Sure,” Tanya said with a shrug. “But there’s not much of it left anymore. It’s a guestroom now. Has been for years. But let’s take a look at it anyway.” 

I trotted after her down the hallway, and Tanya unceremoniously kicked another wooden door open. “There we are.”

I looked inside the room. White walls. White guest bed in the corner. White closet Low ceiling and that roof window. The room looked very anonymous and neat. Well, except for the slight dent I could see in the wall right by the door frame. Curiously, I reached out and touched it. It looked so out of place. 

“I threw a lamp at the wall when I was fifteen,” Tanya said flatly. “The wall never recovered, but it did made me feel better.”

“Oh.” I walked inside the room to take a closer look at the only picture there was standing on the bedside table. I crouched down and squinted slightly. It was a picture of Tanya. Blonde Tanya. Definitely older than fifteen. Smiling Tanya. She was wearing a red dress with white dots and posing in front of a lavish Christmas tree in the dining room. Appeared to be at the same age as in the last picture where she had been holding Grace. But as opposed to in that picture, she was standing up in this one, and oh god, she was far, far too thin. Dangerously thin. The dress was probably supposed to be tight fitted, but it still appeared far too loose on her. Her arms that normally were so muscular thanks to Eileen, was like sticks in the picture. The same with her legs in the stockings she was wearing. Her collarbones were protruding and looked like they could break through the skin at any given moment. Her cheeks were sunken in and pale. Eyes far too big for her face. I was shocked. How was she even capable of smiling so cheerfully in that picture? How was she able to look perfectly happy when her body told a completely different story? She looked.... She looked so ill. 

“My god, Tanya,” I said quietly and shook my head. “I’m... I’m so-“

“Don’t be sorry,” she gently interrupted me. “I assure you, it looks worse than it was.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” I mumbled.

She took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. “I had only recently started to take medicine, Mara. It was making me loose a lot of weight due to regulation. That’s all.”

“That’s not all,” I said and returned the squeeze she had given my hand a second ago.

“My head was a mess,” she admitted. “There was a lot of stuff going on up there all the time, and sometimes I forgot to eat because of it. What you’re seeing in that picture is the result of that. It was a bit of a rough patch for me.”

“Yeah,” I said plainly. That picture scared me. It was literally an evidence of the hardest period in Tanya’s life. 

But maybe there had been silver linings too. I looked at the picture again, now noticing what I hadn’t seen before. Tanya was holding something in her arms. A tiny white fluffball of a cat. It took a moment for me to connect the dots, but when I did, I could easily identify the fluffball as being Genevieve. More dots connected in my mind. Tanya had mentioned that she had gotten Genevieve at eighteen, but exactly how she had ‘gotten’ her had been a bit of a mystery. Until now. I turned my head and looked at Tanya who had come into the room. 

“Genevieve was a Christmas gift, wasn’t she?” I asked softly. 

“She was.”

“From Matthew and Elizabeth.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. 

“Mhmm. Our relationship was getting strained at that point,” Tanya said. “There were many things going on in my life with school and adjusting to the new medicine I had been prescribed. I didn’t want to   
come home for Christmas, but I did anyway. And Matthew and Elizabeth... Well, they said that they had noticed that I had been a bit ‘moody’ lately, and they claimed that they had just the thing I needed.   
And before I knew of it, Genevieve had been dumped in my arms.”

“Wow.” 

“I didn’t want her at first,” Tanya said and looked like she was confessing a murder. “I didn’t want to owe Matthew and Elizabeth anything, but Genevieve she... she kept following me everywhere when I was home for Christmas. Cried every time I left the room. How was I supposed to resist her?”

“You couldn’t,” I said simply. 

“Indeed not. I think Matthew and Elizabeth had envisioned that I would let her stay with them at the ranch and then come home to visit her often. Maybe it was an attempt at reeling me back in, but instead   
I took Genevieve with me back to New York. She even went to class with me. I got special permission to have her there. She was my...”

“Support kitty?” I suggested with a smile. 

“Exactly. And she would always sit right here...” Tanya gestured to the top of her chest. “I wore a lot of shirts with zippers to make sure she could sit nice and snugly.”

“Aww.” I cooed and rose from the spot on the floor. That was probably the most adorable thing I had ever heard. I walked over to Tanya and slipped an arm around her. 

“Gifting me Genevieve was the best thing Matthew and Elizabeth has ever done for me,” Tanya said quietly. 

“I’m glad they gave her to you.”

“Me, too. But sometimes I wonder why. What were they trying to do? Patch things up? Draw me back in?”

“That’s a good question,” I murmured and squeezed her waist a little. 

“One that I probably never will get an answer to,” Tanya said and for a moment she sounded incredibly vulnerable, and I was about to say something to her, but then she made her voice all light and   
carefree yet again: “but hey, I got a cat. That’s something.”

“It is. And she is one adorable cat,” I said and glanced at the ceiling. Glanced at roof window. I was interested in that roof window. Very interested. And I was interested in the flat space on the roof. 

Not many things escaped Tanya’s notice, and my gawking at the window was one of them. She let out something that mostly sounded like a puff of laughter. Very attractive. “You’re not serious,” she said flatly. Still attractive. 

“And what if I am?” I teased. “What if I really want to go up on the roof?”

“Then you’re crazy.”

“You were the one who told me that story about how you climbed up there!” I protested. 

“Yes, when I was teenager. I happen to be twenty eight now, and believe it or not, I have grown a bit since then,” she pointed out.

“And outstandingly enough, you’re still tiny enough to squeeze through that window,” I said sweetly. 

“Go up there yourself.”

“Noooo,” I whined and cupped her face. “Go with me. Please?”

Tanya groaned. “You are literally the most annoying human I have ever met.”

“If you do this, I will never nag you again.”

She snorted. “That’s a lie, and you know it.”

“Pleeeeeease?” I said and went as far as batting my eyes at her. “I really wanna see the view from up there!”

“Urgh, fine, you manipulative little so-and-so,” Tanya said and clearly tried her best to sneer. “Get that chair.” 

I tried not to look TOO triumphant as I grabbed the chair and maneuvered it to stand right underneath the window. 

“Great. Up you go,” Tanya said. 

I gave her my most innocent smile. “I have no idea how. I’m afraid you have to show me.” 

“Oh, for fucks sake,” she growled and untied the oversize flannel shirt she had worn around her waist. “Must I do everything for you?” 

“Yes,” I said. Still perfectly innocently. 

“Fine!” she snipped as she stomped over to the chair. “But my boots are high heeled, so if I fall down and break my leg OR neck, it’ll all be your fault.”

“Of course.”

“AND you pay the expenses of the funeral.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Sweet, sensitive Mara,” Tanya quipped as she elegantly climbed up on the chair and stood tall. She didn’t even wobble as she began fiddling with the window. There was a slight squeaky sound as she pushed it open. “Aha!” she said triumphantly. “Still working.”

“Good job,” I joked and even gave her a little applaud. 

“Thanks,” she said flatly and stuck her head out of the open window. “Oh, god, I’m not sure I can remember how to do this.” she grabbed onto the edges of the window and began hoisting herself up. 

“Be careful!” I squeaked upon watching her hanging and dangle in midair. It actually looked pretty dramatic. 

“You were the one who asked me to do this,” her now faceless voice said. 

“Yeah, I know but-“

“Fuck!” she interrupted me, and her long legs kicked dramatically in the air for a second before they disappeared out of the window along with the rest of her. 

“You alright?” I asked. 

“Yes. But I’m pretty sure I just squashed my boobs.”

“Oh,” I grimaced. That didn’t sound very nice. “And are they... okay?”

“No idea. But if you’re really nice, I MIGHT let you check it later.”

I ‘oh’ed’ again. Now that sounded absolutely glorious!

“You coming up here or what?”

I looked at the chair and open window and pursed my lips. “And what if I squash my boobs?”

“Then I’ll kiss it better later. Now get your ass up here so I don’t look like an idiot on the roof alone.”

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” I said and climbed up to stand on the chair. My legs trembled and I could barely look out of the window. Not even if I was stretching my neck. I wasn’t nearly as tall as Tanya. Maybe   
this was a bad idea. Because now I was supposed to grab onto the window and hoist myself up. My legs would dangle helplessly in the air and pull me down. Oh god. Yeah, this was definitely a bad idea. I let out a strangled groan as I grabbed onto the roof and tried to copy what Tanya had done a second ago. “Fuck,” I muttered. I hadn’t exactly squeezed my boobs, but I felt like I was failing at this thing. 

“You can do it,” Tanya encouraged and outstretched a hand towards me. “Here.”

“Are you kidding me, I can’t let go,” I said strained. “I’ll fall!” 

“You won’t. Trust me,” she said and wiggled her fingers. “Take my hand. I’m not letting you fall.”

“Better be true, Goldstein,” I huffed as I with some trouble let go of the roof with one hand and found hers instead. 

“That’s it. I’ve got you,” Tanya promised as tugged me up. “Gimme your other hand.”

“No way! You can’t carry me all by yourself!” I protested, still strained as hell. 

“Try me. And trust me. Come on. Don’t be difficult.”

Honestly, I wasn’t in any position to argue with her right now. So instead of wasting time (and strength), I let go of the roof and quickly took her other hand. Now she was literally holding my life in her hands, but I didn’t end up on the floor. Instead Tanya swiftly and almost effortlessly pulled me out of the open window and out on the roof. 

“There we go,” she said lightly. “Welcome to the roof. Did your boobs get squashed?”

“No,” I half-snickered as I stood up on the roof. “Wow. This is amazing!” the view was stunning. Truly stunning. Open fields below us and the great big sky above us. It was almost hard to believe that this   
was the same sky as in Los Angeles. This place was amazing. I could only imagine how stunning it had to be at nighttime with the moon and stars and the dark sky.

“Not bad, eh,” Tanya said as she sat down on the roof. 

“Definitely not bad at all, Goldstein.” I sat down next to her. “How’s the boobs doing?”

“Still bouncing,” she said without skipping a beat and looked at the many fields and mountains surroundings us. 

I snickered and leaned into her. This was really nice. And even better when she slipped an arm around me and gave me a little squeeze. Me and Tanya. Sitting on a roof in Montana. Now who would have thought that yelling at a brunette in a taxi could have lead to that? Sometimes fate or whatever was a funny one. 

“Can you see that field all the way out there?” Tanya asked and pointed to a field that had to be at least five fields away from where Goldie was nipping at the grass. “The one by the lake?”

“Mhmm,” I nodded. If I squinted, I could see both the field and the lake she was talking about. “What about it?”

“I used to hang out there a lot,” she told me and ran her free hand through her hair. “I packed a sleeping bag and a tent and some food and extra clothes. And then I rode off. I lit a fire and slept under the   
sky. I always packed a tent just in case, but I rarely used it. I preferred being out in the open instead. I even bathed in the lake.”

“That...” I nuzzled my cheek against her bare shoulder. “Sounds absolutely perfect. You bathed in the lake? Seriously?”

“Yes. I wasn’t always a city girl.”

“I know that,” I said quickly and then glanced at the field again. “I wanna try that.”

“What? Bathe in the lake.”

“No. Yes. I mean, all of it,” I said and smiled widely. “Light a fire and sleep out in the open.”

“Oh,” Tanya chuckled a little. “Yes, that could be fun to try sometimes.”

I peeled her hand off my shoulder and took it between my own hands instead. “Is it wrong that I kinda want to try it right now?”

Tanya raised an eyebrow. “Are you suggesting that we check out of our hotel room and set up a camp here instead?”

“Maybe...” I kissed her knuckles one by one. Perhaps I was in fact suggesting just that. The longing in Tanya’s voice when she spoke of sleeping under the sky had been obvious. Those ‘camping trips’ had   
been a huge part of her life at some point. She missed it. And I could easily imagine a teenage Tanya using those impromptu camping trips to be alone. I could almost see her there in the distance, sitting in front of the fireplace. Lonely and confused and wondering why her parents didn’t understand her. Or at least tried to. 

“Well, I suppose that’s not the worst idea you’ve ever gotten,” Tanya mused. “There’s actually a couple of sleeping bag in the closet. And a tent too. Not that we would need it, though.” She looked at the field in the far distance again. “And I used to live here. They can’t exactly FORBID me to-“ she cut herself off and looked at me. “Were you really serious?” 

“Yes,” I smiled. “I would absolutely love to camp out with you.”

Tanya laughed. “We would be farther away from the hospital, but what the heck. If Elizabeth can manage the drive, so can we. And it’s not like we have to announce to everybody that we’re here.”

“No, we don’t have to do that,” I agreed. 

Tanya seemed to muse over it for a moment. Sat and stared at the field. But then she turned her head and gave me a wide smile. “Fuck it, we’re doing it. Why the hell not? It’s been ages since I last camped out, and I’ve certainly never done it with anybody. Might be a nice change.”

“Oh, definitely. Are we gonna bathe in the lake then?” I grinned. 

“Yes, miss Swanson. We are. Try not to fall off the roof.”

I didn’t fall off the roof. Instead I leaned in and kissed her. Long and hard until she claimed that she needed to lie down. And she actually did that. Lied down on the roof. I followed her example and was about to say something about how peaceful it was when the sound of footsteps somewhere below us scared the shit out of me. 

“It’s only Gordon,” Tanya chuckled. “He works here. Has done ever since I was a kid.”

“Oh. Does he know that we’re here?” I asked. 

“Probably. He knows everything,” Tanya said and then cleared her throat: “hey, Gordon!”

“Hello, Rosie,” came the extremely calm and definitely-not-surprised response from below us. 

Tanya chuckled, and I was intrigued. “’Rosie’?” I echoed and looked at my girlfriend. 

“Oh yes,” Tanya said nonplussed. “Old nickname. And a hell of a lot better than Tammie-Rose.” 

“Rosie,” I repeated and chuckled. “I like it. Sounds really cute.”

“Well, I am extremely cute,” she drawled lazily. 

“Yeah. You are.” With that, I kissed her again. First it was only tiny little pecks on the lips, but when her hand landed on the back of my neck to keep me where I was, the kiss of course turned into a bit more than just little pecks. Our lips moved against each other, and I thought to myself that kissing on a roof had to be a new thing for us. Another milestone or something like that. And camping out was gonna be another milestone. Maybe it was crazy, checking out of our nice hotel room to sleep outside instead, but that didn’t matter to me. This was something I really, really wanted to do with her. She had been alone all the other times. It was about fucking time that someone accompanied her on one of the camping trips she so favored. 

Without breaking the kiss, Tanya sat up and wrapped an arm around me. I cupped her cheeks, deepened the kiss once more. Her other hand was pushing my hair away from my face in a surprisingly tender fashion. My suspicion was confirmed. Tanya was different here. She was still full of witty remarks and sass, but nevertheless.... different. A bit more vulnerable. A bit softer. She was letting me in again. She had revealed so many things today. About herself and her parents, and all of it meant the world to me. I was seeing so many different sides of her now. She was slowly but steadily lowering those walls and letting me know how things had been for her when she was younger. I was ridiculously grateful for it. She trusted me, exactly like I trusted her. God, I trusted her more than anything. The little exercise where I gave her my hand a moment ago more than proved that. 

I smiled at her when we came up for air. She returned the smile and tugged a lock of hair behind my ear. “I’ve never tried that on the roof before,” she said a tad hoarsely. 

“Me neither,” I quipped. “But it’s very nice, isn’t it?”

“It is,” she nodded and took a deep breath. 

I forced myself to be patient until she appeared to be breathing easier. Then I kissed her again. A arms-around-her-not-letting-go-anytime-soon-kiss. Just because I could......

We stayed on the roof longer than I had expected. We kissed. We talked. We laughed. But mostly, we kissed. Because we could. And because we were literally completely isolated from everyone as we sat there on the roof. I think both of us were a bit giddy, to be honest. It was difficult to stop kissing. A few times Tanya had muttered something about getting a move on if we wanted to get back to the hotel before it turned pitch black, but she made no real attempt at getting off the roof. Neither did I. I was more than happy to stay here for a few more hours. Or a few more days. The thought of our plans about camping out made me beyond excited. The hotel was great, no doubt about that, but it was still another hotel. With other guests. In a tent on a field surrounded by mountains, it would just be the two of us. No one to bother us. And that was exactly what I wanted. And right now, I just wanted to keep sitting on this roof and kissing Tanya. So that’s exactly what I did. 

None of us moved for a long, long time. Until the sound of a car finally made us snap out of it.

Tanya rose and made me nervous for five seconds when she stood on the roof and looked around. “Interesting,” she proclaimed after having taken a good look around. 

“What?” I asked and silently added: ‘please sit back down, you’re literally standing on a roof!’ 

“We’re getting company,” she told me as she sat back down. Thank god.

“Okay. By whom?” 

“Elizabeth. She must have left the hospital earlier than expected...”


	29. Conversations

“Oh,” I said and honestly felt unsure of what else to say. 

“And we were having such a nice time,” Tanya complained and rolled her eyes. “Come on. I s’ppose we better get off the roof.” She once again stood tall on the roof, and once again I felt ridiculously nervous when seeing it. 

“Careful,” I mumbled. 

“Oh, please,” she chuckled as she nonchalantly pranced over to the open window in her high heels. “I’ve been doing this for ages. Even while drunk.”

“Jesus Christ.” I grimaced as I too slowly got on my feet and followed her over to the window. 

“Yeah, I had this buddy, Ben, back when I twenty one,” Tanya told me as she effortlessly wiggled her long body through the open window. “He had a summer job at the ranch when I was home, and we quickly found out that we were great at drinking together. So we hung out on the roof and had way too much beer. That was before I realized how ridiculously bad alcohol is for me.” her blonde head disappeared through the window, and I heard a slight thud as her high heels connected with the floor. Now it was my turn. 

“He sounds fun,” I said as I sat down on the roof and wiggled my legs through the open window. “What happened to him?”

“Oh, we’re not friends anymore,” Tanya’s bodiless voice told me. 

“Why not?” I inquired and tried not to huff and sound like an old lady as I grabbed onto the roof, ready to let my body hang and swing in the air before hopefully finding the floor. “What happened?”

“He kissed me.”

“Are you kidding me?!” my hands nearly slipped a bit at the casual remark. Now I was really swinging back and forward in the air. 

“No,” Tanya said, and I felt her hands on my waist. “I actually kissed him back. I was very drunk, and I had broken up with a girl before going home for the summer. Didn’t work out. Ben was nice and funny, so I figured that maybe I could convince myself that he was... anyway, I couldn’t. Told him I was gay, he got pissed and ditched his job. Matthew and Elizabeth got upset that I had caused their employer to leave his job, and that’s how I messed up everyone’s summer that year. Are you gonna let go of the roof? I’ve got you.”

I let go of the roof without thinking twice about it. Let myself literally slide down and into Tanya’s arms. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” She sat me on my feet and jokingly adjusted my tanktop where it had ridden up during my slide down. “There we are. All nice and decent again.”

I chuckled a bit. Then said: “I’m sorry, by the way.”

“About what?”

“What happened with Ben.”

She shrugged. “It was kinda my fault thought. I shouldn’t have kissed him.”

“He should have been a big boy about the rejection. And not kiss a drunk woman, by the way,” I pointed out. 

Tanya was the one to chuckle now. “Yeah, I suppose he was a bit of a jerk that way, wasn’t he?”

“Uhm, yeah, totally.”

Tanya looked thoughtful for a moment, leaned in and kissed my cheek lightly and then said: “come. Let’s go downstairs and say boo to Elizabeth.” 

“Err, okay,” I said with slight hesitation. Saying ‘boo’ to Elizabeth did not sound like it was going to be particularly nice. But of course we had to face her. We couldn’t just sneak off. Or, we could, but we had no reason to. This was Tanya’s childhood home. She was allowed to be here. And so was I. 

We left Tanya’s childhood bedroom-now-turned-guestroom and walked down the stairs. There was some shuffling about in the kitchen. A clicking sound. Most likely from the coffee machine. Tanya and I walked into the kitchen and found Elizabeth standing by the coffee machine with her back turned to us. She was wearing a blue dress that was a bit boxy on her. Made for comfort, not style and paired with grey leggings even though it was so hot outside today. Maybe Elizabeth Fleming wasn’t the type who had her legs bare. I had a hunch that she was not. Her honey brown hair was tied back in a low ponytail. Actually not unlike those low ponytails Tanya often donned when she was relaxing at home. Maybe this was the similarity I had been looking for. 

I wasn’t sure Tanya and I were standing on a creaky floorboard or if Elizabeth had some six sense, but either way she was suddenly turning around abruptly, face etched with surprise as she looked at us.   
“Oh!” 

“Hello, Elizabeth.” Tanya said, voice a bit flat. 

“Tanya,” Elizabeth said. She sounded a bit breathless. “You’re.... here.”

“As you can see. I’ve given Mara a tour of the place. We’ll be checking out the stables and then we’ll be on our way again.” she took my hand, gave it a little tug. “Come on, Mara. Let’s get going.”

I willingly followed her towards the door, but before either of us could pass through it, Elizabeth called out to us: “wait,” she said and hastily continued: “I didn’t know you’d be here today.”

“Well, this place IS my childhood home,” Tanya said calmly. “So I’m afraid you’ll have to live with me coming back once in a while, Elizabeth. At least for now. I’ll arrange that Goldie will be moved, so don’t be surprised if you see a trailer in about a week or two.”

“Goldie can’t be alone,” Elizabeth interjected. “She’s used to be with Prue. That shouldn’t be changed.” 

Tanya laughed coldly. “Right.”

“That’s how it’s always been,” Elizabeth continued. “It would be unkind to separate the two of them.”

“Yes, Elizabeth. It would be terribly unfair of me to separate Goldie from Prue. But I’m sure Matthew wouldn’t mind if I buy her from you. Shall we say five thousand?”

“Tanya-“

“Or ten. Whatever suits you best. I don’t care. As long as I get Prue,” Tanya shrugged.

“You can take Prue for free,” Elizabeth said tightly. “She’s old and not worth much.”

“Maybe not to you, but she certainly is to Goldie,” Tanya replied and chuckled without humor. “It’s funny how my horse can have a female partner, but I can’t.”

Elizabeth’s lips became a thin line, but she didn’t react to Tanya’s observation. Instead she said: “I’ve made coffee. Perhaps you’d want some before you go back on the road?”

“Do you want some coffee, Mara?” Tanya asked. Her voice was softer now. No trace of the previous iciness. 

“Yeah, I’d actually like that,” I nodded. It had been a long day, and I was starting to fade a little bit. 

“I’ll have some too then,” Tanya smiled. 

Before either of us could do anything, Elizabeth skittered over to the cupboard and found two cups. Then she poured the coffee. She left Tanya’s black and then turned her head, looked at me. Once again it looked like she was having difficulties when addressing me. “How do you take your coffee.... miss Swanson?”

“Just black,” I replied. That was not how I normally took my coffee. Normally, I liked it with a dash of milk and maybe a little bit of sugar too, but god forbid I should make this more difficult for my dear   
sweet ‘mother-in-law’. 

Tanya lifted an eyebrow in surprise. She too knew that that was not how I normally took my coffee. 

“Very well then,” Elizabeth said. “There we are.”

“Thank you,” I said and accepted the cup she pushed towards me. 

Tanya took her own cup as well. Brought it up to her lips and took a sip. Then asked: “How is Matthew faring?”

“He has shown some signs of bettering,” Elizabeth replied. “A nurse thought she saw his hand move earlier.”

“I see,” Tanya nodded. “Shouldn’t you be by his side then?”

“Your aunt and cousin is with him. I came to take a shower and change clothes. And I needed the drive. As you can imagine, there are many things to think about these days.”

“Yes,” Tanya said simply. 

“Your father hasn’t been feeling quite himself before he got ill,” Elizabeth continued. “Things has been weighing on him.”

“And which things would that be, Elizabeth?” Tanya asked tiredly. “Problems on the farm? Or are you implying that he got sick because of me?”

“No.” Elizabeth said. “That is not what I’m saying at all.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“But I believe you are one of the reasons he has felt weighted down.”

I cleared my throat. Loudly. Not polite at all, but I wasn’t gonna stand here and listen to Elizabeth implying that Tanya was the reason for Matthew’s illness. 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Tanya challenged and lowered the cup of coffee. 

“He misses you, Rose,” Elizabeth said, and I could see how Tanya flinched a little bit at hearing what I could only assume was an old nickname. “He wants to-“

“Oh, I seriously doubt that, Elizabeth,” Tanya said. “If that’s the case, why didn’t he reach out to me himself? Why do I have to hear it from you, hmm? He hasn’t been ill all the time.”

“Perhaps he found it difficult to-“

“You are making excuses for him. Again.”

“Maybe he wasn’t sure how to say the things he wanted to say. We both know how he is with words.”

“I know he had learned a new word the last time I talked to him. ‘Dyke’,” Tanya said almost nonchalantly. “Which he said about ten times.”

Elizabeth visibly recoiled at that. “Rose, please.”

“No. I am done pleasing you,” Tanya said flatly. “And my name is Tanya. Not Tammie. Not Rose. Tanya.”

“Your father asked for you before he got ill! He wanted... he wanted to talk to you.” Elizabeth said and suddenly sounded anything but meek. She actually looked and sounded a bit... alarmed. She was wringing her hands.

“Oh yes? What about? I assume you know.”

Elizabeth shook her head, but it didn’t look like she was denying her knowledge. “HE wanted to talk to you. That means it isn’t my place to tell you.”

“Well, then it’s a damn shame he’s in a coma, isn’t it?” Tanya said flatly and raised the cup of coffee. She emptied it’s content in one long gulp. “Thank you for the coffee, Elizabeth.”

I saw how Elizabeth took a step towards her daughter. She was still wringing her hands in the same desperate manner. “What will it take for you to start calling me ‘mom’ again?” she asked quietly. 

“Well, you could start acting like one for starters,” Tanya said flatly. 

“I’m-“

“Acceptance,” Tanya interrupted and moved an inch or so closer to me, so our shoulders were touching. “That’s what it would take, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth glanced at me. Her lips thinned. “I cannot accept something that I don’t understand.”

“Then learn!” Tanya snapped. “There are so many ways to educate yourself about LGBTQUIA. Websites. Counselors. Even priests you can talk to about ‘the grief process’ or whatever it is that you’re going through and learn to understand your LGBT kid whilst still having a faith. There are plenty of ways to learn, and yet you refuse to do any of it. You’ve decided that it’s wrong, so you refuse to make an effort to understand. Turn the blind eye. Because that’s easier, isn’t it?” 

Her voice broke, and I was about to either say something or take her hand to comfort her, but before I could, her cellphone rang, and she fished it out of her pocket. “That’s my agent,” she said and looked at me. “I have to take this.”

“That’s fine. I’ll just finish my coffee.” 

“You do that. I’ll be out back.” she pressed a quick kiss to my temple and then disappeared out of the kitchen. I heard her say ‘hello’, and then she was gone. 

I took a sip of my coffee and glanced at Elizabeth. Just me and the mother-in-law from hell. Okay then. Great. Dream come true. I would just have to sip my coffee as fast as possible and then get the frick-frack out of there. And check up on Tanya. She had literally sounded on the brink of tears a moment ago. In a moment she would deny and tell me that she was just fine, but I obviously didn’t believe that. I was going to comfort her whether she liked it or not, damnit! That was what you did as a girlfriend. Tanya had gotten a little better at realizing that, but sometimes it still came as a surprise to her. 

And it made me kinda sad because it shouldn’t. The fact that I wanted to comfort her should have been the most obvious thing in the goddamn world.

Elizabeth sipped her coffee as well, and I was surprised to discover that she was looking at me. It made me feel insecure. Was I supposed to say something to her? What could I say? Should I smile at her? No. I didn’t really want to smile at her. She wasn’t worth smiling at. 

“I want you to know that I don’t dislike you, miss Swanson,” Elizabeth said strained. 

If that was a compliment, it was a shitty one. “No, you just dislike what I am to Tanya, right?” I said flatly. 

Elizabeth’s jaw tightened once again. “I don’t understand her,” she said. 

“I don’t understand YOU,” I stated calmly. “How can something as insignificant as who your daughter chooses as her partner be worth jeopardizing your entire relationship with her for? Yes, we’re both women, but.... so what?”

“It isn’t right!” Elizabeth said firmly. “It’s... unnatural.”

“You know what’s unnatural?” I asked and could feel my temper starting to rear it’s ugly head. “Pretending to be straight for your parents’ sake. Be afraid to tell the world who you really are because it’s been drilled into you that your feelings are wrong. That you’re wrong. THAT’S unnatural.”

“You don’t understand, miss Swanson.”

“No, actually I do. I understand that you want to see Tanya with a man, isn’t that right?”

“That is how it’s supposed to be,” Elizabeth said simply. “That’s the right thing. The way nature wants it.”

“But you also want her to be happy, right? Or am I way off?” I asked and sat the cup of coffee down. 

“Of course I want her to be happy. She’s... She’s my daughter.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Can I ask you something then?”

“Certainly.”

“Have you ever considered how ridiculously UNhappy your daughter would be if she was with a man? Have you ever considered that maybe, perhaps that being with a guy could be going against HER nature? That this...” I lightly gestured to myself. “Is HER truth?”

Did Elizabeth Fleming try to flush? The red staining her cheeks could look like an attempt, but then she folded her arms across her chest. “Do you believe in God, miss Swanson?”

“Yes, I do. I believe in a god who loves everyone. Who delights in seeing people being true to themselves and find happiness with whoever they want. No matter what. Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual or something else. It doesn’t matter. That’s the kind of god I believe in. And you know what else I believe?”

“No.”

“I believe that abusing your child is wrong.”

Elizabeth bristled. “How dare you?! We’ve never lain a hand on our daughter! Not ever-“

“That doesn’t matter,” I interrupted, folding my arms across my chest as well. Two could play this game. “You’ve told her that she’s bad. That she’s wrong. That her feelings aren’t valid. You’ve forced her to be something that she is not. The bullshit you and your husband spent her childhood filling her with made her sick, for crying out loud! I’ve seen the pictures of her, Elizabeth!” maybe I was yelling now, but I didn’t fucking care. The lid had come off so to speak. “I’ve seen how dangerously skinny she got! You think she mysteriously lost weight for no reason?”

“I’m aware that my daughter was going through challenging times when she was a teenager.”

“And for what reason?!” I yelled. “Why do you think she was struggling?! That was because of you! Because of all the things you said to her over the years! The breakdown came because she was finally far away from you and your husband and felt safe enough to let go!” I huffed and puffed like an angry bull and wouldn’t be surprised if my vision turned red in a moment. “It doesn’t matter that you never laid a hand on her. Forcing your kid into being something that she is not is still abuse. If you try and claim that you did it for her own good, you’re gaslighting. Which is another clear sign of abuse!”

Elizabeth wasn’t trying to blush anymore. Instead she had gone very pale. “You’re implying that I don’t love my daughter,” she said. 

“Actually, I’m not implying it. I’m pretty much saying that you don’t. Otherwise how can you possibly treat her like this? That’s not love!” I exclaimed and oh, how I was yelling at her now.

“I DO love my daughter!” she sneered. “Everything I’ve done was done out of love! I just wanted....”

“What?” I asked plainly. 

“I wanted her to have the same values I grew up with! All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be happy and safe! Get married. Have children!”

“And have you ever considered that that might not be what Tanya wants?” I asked, now more softly. “Maybe she has different values. Other things she wants to focus on instead. Her amazing career, for example. She’s gonna shoot a movie in England pretty soon, did you know that?”

“No, I did not know that. And while that might be well and good right now, it won’t be lasting. And I want her to have something lasting.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure Tanya’s career is gonna be a very lengthy one. She’s a brilliant actress, and she’ll go far, I don’t doubt that at all.”

Elizabeth squared her shoulders. “That is not what I meant, miss Swanson.” 

“I’m aware. You want her to have something that lasts,” I nodded. “And- of course I can’t guarantee what’s going to happen in the future, and I’m don’t wanna sound full of myself- but maybe I will be. You see, I’m crazy about your daughter. Absolutely crazy. I thank my lucky stars every day that I’ve found her. I want to make her happy. Every single day. That sounds pretty lasting, doesn’t it?” 

Elizabeth said absolutely nothing. She just looked at me. Her eyes were hard, and her jaw clenched. 

“And as for the marriage and babies thing...” I continued. “Your daughter could still have that. IF she wants to. She might not, but that’s completely fine. She’s still live a happy and fulfilling life no matter what. There’s plenty in store for her. For both of us. We’ll have so many adventures together, and she’ll be happy. Isn’t that the most important thing? Isn’t that what we both want for her, Mrs. Fleming?”

Elizabeth still said nothing. Her jaw was still clenched, but now she looked thoughtful rather than closed off. She played with the golden cross around her neck. 

“I know that you want to see Tanya with a man, but if that isn’t right for her, what is there to do about it?” I asked softly. “Cut her out of your life? I think that’s making three people miserable rather than one. Try to convince her to be something she isn’t? That’s not possible. Why not simply be happy for her and support her? Put her first for once. Stop hiding behind religion and be the mother Tanya deserves and needs. Before it’s too late. Because if this continues, you’re going to loose her for good. And that can’t possibly be what you want, is it?”

Elizabeth opened her mouth and then closed it. Maybe she wanted to say something but couldn’t. I wasn’t gonna hang around and wait for her to get her act together. I had said all the things I had kept bottled up for days. I had spent so long at being angry with Elizabeth. I still was, but at least I had gotten the chance to tell her a thing or two. Would it change everything right away? Doubtful. Rome wasn’t build in one day. Did it make an impact? I hoped so. Tanya had been fending for herself for so long. It was about time that someone stepped up and defended her. And I had meant every single word of what I had just said. I was crazy about Tanya, and there was no doubt in my mind about wanting this to be a lasting thing. 

“Thank you for the coffee,” I said plainly and turned around. My legs felt a bit weak as I started to walk away from the silent Elizabeth Fleming. My heart was pounding, and my hands felt sweaty. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this pissed off with anyone. Not even Lily could set my emotions aflame like Elizabeth just had. I had literally just vomited words at her without thinking. And now that I actually WAS thinking, I hoped that I hadn’t made Tanya’s life all the more complicated by yelling at her mother. My temperament had grown a pair of legs and had completely run away with me. Ooops. 

I walked through the kitchen, into the hallway. And nearly collided with Tanya. 

“Oh!” I yelped. I hadn’t expected her to be right there. I thought ‘out back’ actually meant.... out back. And not the hallway. Had she heard what I said? Oh, my god, she totally had. One look on her face was enough to tell me that she had heard... stuff. Oh god. 

“Hi,” I said halfheartedly. 

“Hi. I managed to cut Stacy off before she got too enthusiastic. You ready to head back to the hotel and get our stuff? If you still want to camp out, obviously.”

“I do,” I said quickly. 

“Excellent. Then let’s get going.” 

“Alright.”

I followed her outside and across the courtyard. I actually had to jog to keep up with her. She was in a hurry. And seemed to have forgotten that her legs were significantly longer than mine. Or maybe there was another reason for her hurry. 

“Did you hear any of that?” I asked. Still jogging to keep up with her.

“Yes.” 

Okay. “How much did you hear of it?”

“Everything.” 

Right then. Okay. “And are you pissed at me? I know I shouldn’t have yelled, I’m sorry. I just... Well, I got angry. Please don’t be mad at me?” 

“Mad.” Tanya chuckled. “You think I’m mad at you for yelling at Elizabeth?”

“Well.... Yeah? Isn’t that why you’re basically running away from me? Oof!” my exclamation was because she had just stopped so abruptly, I collided with her a second time. 

“No,” she said and turned around. “I’m not running away from you, Mara. I was running towards the car because I was afraid of who might be looking at us, but now I realize that I don’t give a damn about   
who’s watching!” with that she cupped my cheeks in her warm hands, pulled me towards her, and then kissed me. 

I staggered a bit. Hadn’t expected the kiss at all. But I quickly recovered and regained my balance. Wrapped my arms around her and returned the kiss with all my being. The kiss was harder than I had   
expected, but never the less incredibly sweet. I could literally feel how Tanya was pouring her every last emotion into this kiss. How she was trying to tell me things she couldn’t say by kissing her. And luckily, I was quite fluent in the language of kissing. I completely understood what she was telling me right now. More than understood it. Everything she was saying with this kiss, I was saying too. And yeah, maybe Elizabeth was watching us from the window, but I didn’t give a damn. I could kiss my girlfriend whenever and wherever I damn well pleased! Tanya and I didn’t need permission from anyone. Least of all Elizabeth Fleming.

Tanya tasted faintly of coffee and smelled of vanilla. The two best things ever. Her lips were soft against mine, her palms still cupping my cheeks were warm, and I was pretty sure I could melt on the spot. 

I wanted to mess up her hair a little bit. But she probably wouldn’t forgive me if I ruined her pretty braids. Fun for another time. For now I settled for locking my arms around her. Essentially trapping her in my embrace, but she didn’t seem to mind. And I didn’t mind it when the kiss grew deeper and more intense. We were definitely doing what Tanya in mock British accent had referred to as ‘snogging’, but I didn’t care. It was a damn good ‘snog’. 

At least it was until Goldie whinnied loudly and effectively ruined the moment. I got startled and Tanya snickered slightly as we pulled back.

“So you’re not mad then,” I squeaked. I expected her to laugh at me and say something devastatingly sarcastic in response, but to my surprise she merely shook her head and looked a bit out of it. I tilted my head. “Are you having a moment?”

Tanya didn’t react, and I felt a little bit triumphant. She had gotten affected by the kiss! Her normally so pale cheeks were now stained red, and her eyes looked a bit unfocused. She was totally,   
unabashedly turned on. And I was totally, unabashedly triumphant. Because normally I was the one who looked like that after she had kissed me. Oh, how the tables had turned. 

I teasingly waved a hand in front of her face. “Hello? You there?”

Tanya immediately grabbed my hand. “Stop that.”

“Sorry,” I said without feeling very sorry. I had just caught her acting completely out of character. I had made her blush. Tanya never blushed. 

“Let’s get going,” she interrupted my train of thoughts and grabbed my hand. She tugged me towards the car, and I laughingly stumbled after her. My dear, sweet blushing girlfriend. Oh, she would never hear the end of this. Of course she would probably deny it, that was how she was, but I knew otherwise. I knew with a hundred percent certainty that I had made her blush. It felt like I had won an award or something. 

We made it inside the car, and as I buckled my seatbelt, I was sure I could see movements in the kitchen. Elizabeth. Had she seen us kiss? Maybe. I didn’t care. But I did hope that she by some miracle would take what I had said to heart. Otherwise she would loose her daughter for good, and I didn’t want that to happen. For Tanya’s sake, but actually also for Elizabeth’s. Because I couldn’t think of something more excruciatingly painful than loosing Tanya. That had to be hell on earth, and it wasn’t a fate I wished for anyone. Not even Elizabeth Fleming. 

Soon we were back on the road, driving back towards the hotel to check out and get our stuff. And of course I was teasing Tanya. I couldn’t help it. “You blushed,” I said entirely too triumphantly. 

“No, I didn’t.”

“You totally did! I made you blush!”

“You’re delusional.”

“Am not! You blushed! Just admit it already, Goldstein.”

“I’m not gonna admit it, ‘cause there’s nothing to admit,” she said firmly.

“You liked the kissing,” I singsong’ed. 

“Yes,” she said plainly. “I did in fact like the kissing. And so did you. I’m a bloody good kisser.”

The fake British accent was back. “Oh yeah?” I teased. “How do you know?”

“Well, you tend to look like you’ve just had a mini orgasm every time it happens. And I’ve had some wonderful feedback from Alex too. Don’t forget I kiss him quite a lot when I’m at work.”

I grimaced. “Right. I hope he does NOT look like he’s had a ‘mini orgasm’ every time he’s kissed you.”

“Almost,” she drawled. 

“Jesus Christ Tanya, don’t do this to me!” I groaned as images of Tanya and Alexander kissing intensely popped up in my head. 

“You jealous?” she asked and sounded positively delighted. 

“No, not yet. But I’m getting there.”

She chuckled hoarsely. “Well, I’m sure it serves you well for being ridiculous and tell lies.”

“About how you blushed, you mean?” I asked completely innocently.

“Yes. That. I think we both can agree that it was a blatant lie.”

I snickered. Knew better. I gave her thigh a slight squeeze. 

“No disturbing the driver.” She said flatly. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. But are you sure you don’t want me to drive? You drove all the way here too.”

“I’m fine.”

I pursed my lips and considered it. “You know, maybe we should take one more night at the hotel and then go camping tomorrow instead. You’ve done a lot of driving today.”

“Aww,” she cooed, only a little teasingly. “Aren’t you sweet and considerate.”

“Thanks. Glad you finally notice it,” I said without skipping a beat. “Only took you five months.”

Tanya flashed a genuine smile, flashed her softer side. “I can’t believe it’s been five months already.”

“I know, it feels like we met each other yesterday,” I said a bit sappily. 

Tanya chuckled. “I don’t think you liked me that much when you met me, sweetheart.”

“Well, you were being a bit of a so-and-so.”

“And you were rude.” She laughed again. Sweetly and pearly. 

“I was,” I admitted and shook my head a little. “God, I thought I had completely fucked up!”

“You had. I kicked you out of the hotel.”

“Oh yeah. You totally did.” I grinned as I remembered my first ‘real’ meeting with Tanya. The tight dress she had been wearing. How I instantly had felt intimidated by her. How it had dawned upon me that   
I had met her before. My horror when I realized that she had been the brunette in the taxi. That was movie stuff right there. Made for the big screen. Well, except that no actress could be cast as Tanya. She would have to play the role as herself. And play opposite me. Because I couldn’t bear seeing her kiss some movie version of me. I chuckled again. Seeing mine and Tanya’s story on the big screen would be bizarre. Too bizarre. 

“Did Elizabeth choke on her coffee when you told her you want to marry me and have babies with me, by the way?” Tanya asked nonchalantly. 

I was the one to nearly choke. “I did not say that at all!” I protested. 

Tanya laughed. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. Couldn’t resist it.”

“You are such an idiot,” I grumbled. “But to your information, no she didn’t choke.”

“No, I didn’t think we’d be so lucky.”

“That’s dark.” 

“Sorry.”

“But she DID look a little funny by the end of it,” I continued. “A little... speechless.”

“Good job,” Tanya praised me. 

“Thanks, I guess. But I actually do feel a little bad,” I admitted. “Now she’ll definitely never think of me as her daughter-in-law.”

“No, probably not,” Tanya said dryly. 

I laughed. “Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at her.”

“Or maybe you should. It’s been a while since anyone yelled at her,” Tanya shot me a sideway glance. “You really didn’t like that picture of me, didn’t you? The one from when I was eighteen.”

“I didn’t dislike it,” I said immediately. “It made me sad and worried about you.”

“It was a long time ago, Mara.”

“Yeah, but it still happened,” I said quietly. “You still went through all that crap and got so.... thin.” My voice trailed off and I nearly shivered at the memory of how skinny Tanya had been in those two pictures. Sharp collarbones poking out and hollow cheeks. Too big eyes.

“I’ll admit that I wasn’t feeling my best,” Tanya said plainly. “Even though I had started taking medicine at the time, the adjustment was hard, and everything was so.... bleak. Felt like I was stuck in this massive black hole and couldn’t get up.”

“When did that change for you?” I asked softly, now gently patting her knee. “And how?” 

“Well, for starters, I had my medicine regulated. Properly. And I started seeing Doctor Lewis. She was brilliant. And not to mention very openly gay. She and her girlfriend had been together for seventeen years when I started seeing her.”

“Wow,” I smiled. 

“Yeah, that gave me some hope for the future. And I was absolutely stunned that she was so casual about it. That it wasn’t taboo. That wasn’t something I was used to. I went to Pride that year. Bought a ticket to New York and saw the parade. Met some pretty great people.”

“That sounds really nice,” I said, smile widened. “I’m totally down if you wanna go to Pride again!”

“It won’t be possible this year,” Tanya said. “But maybe next year?”

“You got it, Goldstein.”

“Great,” she said and sounded younger than she was. “I can’t wait.”

Neither could I. I could already imagine it. Going to Pride with Tanya. Being a part of the parade. Taking pictures and kissing like it was nobody’s business. Oh yeah, I definitely wanted to go to Pride with Tanya! But first I wanted to go camping with her. And I wanted to go to England with her. And after that, France. Where she’d go, I’d follow. I wanted to do everything with her. If that sounded clingy or sappy, I didn’t give a fuck. That was how I felt. And I was damn proud of that, to be honest. 

“Thanks, by the way,” Tanya said casually and broke the silence between us. 

“Uhh... You’re welcome. But thanks for what, exactly?” I asked and looked at her. 

She was looking at the road. But I was pretty sure I saw her roll her green eyes for a second. “For giving Elizabeth a piece of your mind. I really appreciate it.”

“Oh. You’re welcome. And to be honest, it was my pleasure,” I said truthfully and shrugged a little. “Sorry not sorry.”

She laughed. “You definitely shouldn’t feel sorry about it. She absolutely deserved it-“

“Absolutely!”

“But nevertheless, I hadn’t expected you to say anything,” Tanya quietly continued, and there was that vulnerability again. “Standing up to her like that. Standing up for ME like that... No one’s....” she swallowed thickly, and I could see how she bit her lip to keep her emotions at bay. “I guess what I’m trying to say, is that no one has ever done that before.”

“Well, why wouldn’t I stand up for you?” I asked. “I’m your girlfriend. It’s what girlfriends do.”

Tanya let out a little bubbly laughter that sounded wetter than her laughter normally was. 

“I mean it,” I continued and gave her knee another little squeeze. “I’ll always be standing up for you when it comes to your family or anything else for that matter. I know you’re not exactly used to having someone standing up for you, but get used to it, Goldstein. Nobody gets to treat you like shit! Not your family or anyone else! Not as long as I’m around! I’m your girlfriend and I love you, so- oh fuck!”

I wasn’t screeching because I regretted the confession. I honestly hadn’t even been planning on making the confession. The three little words had just slipped out of mouth without permission. Not exactly how I had planned on telling her, I had hoped for a more romantic gesture than this one. But now the words were out. No taking it back. I didn’t want to take them back. But maybe I should have thought about the fact that Tanya was driving right now. Should have considered that my confession could potentially startle her. And cause her to accidentally yanking at the wheel and making the car swerve into the other lane. 

And that was the reason why I was screeching. And clinging onto the seat for dear life!


	30. Those Three Little Words

“Oh my god!” I yelled, knuckles creaking slightly as my grip on the seat tightened to prevent me from being slung forward in my seat. “Watch out!”

The car was still swerving in the wrong lane. It actually felt like it could tilt over at any moment and land on its side or even upside down. I heard myself yell ‘fuck!’ very loudly because it felt like Tanya had lost control over the vehicle. Between curse words, I’m pretty sure I yelled at her to ‘stop the motherfucking car!’ 

“I’m fucking trying!” Tanya yelled back. She wasn’t quite as lucky as me. I saw how she was slung forward in her seat, and I yelled again. This time out of concern for her. I swear I could see my life flashing before my eyes, and I yelped loudly in that particular way you only do when you think you’re about to die. Then I reached across in an attempt to grab the wheel and gain control over the car.

But the Grim Reaper would have to wait. We didn’t have an appointment with him today. Tanya yanked at the wheel a second time, but this time entirely on purpose. The tires screeched as she forced the car back into the right lane. Her knuckles were white, but she had regained control over the car, and I blew the air out harshly when she steered the car towards the rest area, I had seen announced on the road signs. 

Soon we arrived safely at the rest area, and as soon as she had parked the car, Tanya turned to me. “Are you okay, are you okay?! Are you hurt?!”

“Fine and dandy,” I said meekly. “Are YOU okay? Is your neck okay? Your head? Shoulders?”

“I think so,” Tanya said. “God, I’m so sorry!” 

“It’s oka-“ I was interrupted by the sound of a truck flashing by the rest area in high speed.

My eyes widened, and Tanya was clearly trying to use humor as a weapon as she said: “wow. Two seconds later and we would have been strawberry mush on the road.”

“Yep,” I said and noticed that Tanya’s hands were trembling now. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Physically? Yes, I’ fine. Mentally? I feel like crap. I could have killed us both!”

“You didn’t. We’re both fine. It was just an accident, Tanya,” I said and took her trembling hand in mine. 

“Yeah, right.” she scoffed. “God, Stephanie was right. I really AM dangerous behind a wheel! I shouldn’t be allowed to drive!”

“It was an ACCIDENT!” I firmly repeated, because even though it had been scary for a moment, we were both fine, and I did not want to hear her beat herself up about this. 

“An accident that could only happen to me because I’m a terrible driver.”

“Hey now, this was totally my fault too,” I said firmly. “I was the one who made you yank at the wheel because I said-“

“Yeah, I heard what you said,” Tanya interrupted and almost sounded a bit meekly. “And I must say, I was not expecting that.”

“I should have chosen a better time and place,” I acknowledged and wiped my forehead where beats of sweat had started to emerge. 

Tanya let out a chuckle that was so far from the sassy way she normally laughed. I gave her hand a little squeeze. “I’m sorry I startled you.”

“I’m sorry that I almost crashed the car and killed us both.”

“We survived. We’re fine,” I reminded her. 

She took a deep breath and returned the squeeze. “Jesus Christ, I cannot believe that just happened.”

“The spinning car thing or what I just said?”

“Well.... both of them,” she said.

“I should have chosen a better time. A more.... romantic one.”

She chuckled, now with more confidence. “I thought it was pretty cute how you rambled. At least it was until I nearly crashed the car.”

I snickered. 

“Mind if I get out of the car to get some air for five seconds?” Tanya asked. 

“No, go right ahead.”

“Back in a moment.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and unfolded her long legs. I was pretty sure I saw them tremor slightly as she got out of the car. She was clearly still rattled. 

And I realized that I didn’t want to stay in the car while she got some air. I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the car door and followed my girlfriend outside. I found said girlfriend walking back and forward behind the car, talking to herself. I could hear her repeat the phrase ‘calm down’ as she walked back and forward and did something with her hands that could only be described as fidgeting. 

“Hey, are you all good?” I asked gently as I reached her. 

“Yeah. I’m fine. Absolutely.”

“Liiiiii-esssss!” I told her as I grasped her hands to prevent her from fidgeting. It was herself who had told me to make her stop fidgeting if she did that. She didn’t like when she fidgeted. 

“You sound like Kathy Bates,” she said flatly. 

“Thanks. That was the intention,” I chuckled. “Think I could be cast as Annie if they ever redo Misery?”

“No. But I might audition. I’ve always wanted to play a psychopath,” Tanya mumbled and took a deep breath. 

I cracked a smile. “Jokes aside, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I just needed some air.”

“Okay. Fair enough. Could you...” I bent my knees slightly to illustrate what I wanted her to do. 

“Short stuff,” she teased as she bent her knees slightly, so the height difference nearly evened out. 

Ignoring the insult, I said “thanks”, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as I looked around. Maybe this was a rest area, but it was by no means an ugly place. The blue sky had turned gloriously red and orange. Bold, brilliant, rich colors that would eventually give way for velvet darkness. The red sun was dipping below the mountains surrounding us. We would not make it to the hotel before dark. But I was actually okay with that. It would be a damn shame to speed past this sunset and miss out on this moment. This sunset looked different than the sunsets I had seen back in LA. Or maybe I was seeing it differently. Maybe it was the different scenery. Maybe it was the mountains replacing the busy streets. The stillness. Not a wind to disturb us. No traffic breaking the silence. It was almost tranquil. The balmy air. Not as hot as it had been on the roof a few hours ago, but still warm enough to be outside wearing just a tanktop. 

“Wow,” I said without taking my eyes off the sunset. 

“I know,” Tanya replied. “I told you that there’s nothing wrong with the scenery.”

“Yeah. You did say that.”

She chuckled lightly and sort of leaned into me. “We should snap a picture of this.”

“Or maybe we shouldn’t,” I said quietly. “Maybe we should settle for just remembering it.”

“Look at you getting all deep on me,” Tanya teased, but her voice was soft, and her hand gentle when she brushed it against my cheek. 

I took in my surroundings one more time. Rest area or not, this was one hell of a sunset and scenery with the mountains on each side of the road. Unknowingly, we had stumbled into a romantic moment, and I would be an idiot if I didn’t take advantage of that.

So I moved my arm from Tanya’s shoulder and turned around so I could look at her. 

“What?” she asked and raised an eyebrow. 

“Would you mind if I try the whole romantic moment thing one more time?” I asked softly and took her hand once more. 

“Well, if you really insist on us having a sappy moment after I nearly killed us, be my guest,” Tanya replied, but once again, her voice was soft and gentle. Vulnerable. 

“Okay,” I said. Gave her hand a squeeze and cleared my throat. This was it. Now was the moment where I told her those three little words. With the sunset and mountains as a backdrop, and without her pulling donuts. The moment was perfect, so why was my throat so dry? Why did it feel like my tongue was curling backwards? Why was it so hard to say? It was just three little words. Three simple words that had been flittering through my mind for at least a month if not longer. Three words that could and would change everything. And I couldn’t fucking get them out. “Shit,” I laughed almost sheepishly.   
“For some reason, this is hard.”

“Maybe the rambling style works better for you,” she suggested with a slight smile. 

“Maybe. But right now is not the time for rambling.” No, right now was the time for heartfelt confessions. Important words said and milestones made. So I took a deep breath. Gave her hand a little squeeze. “Okay. I- please don’t sprint back to the car and drive away without me!”

“I promise I won’t,” Tanya assured. Her voice was different. Stripped of any sass or sarcasm. 

“Good. Awesome. Okay. Here it goes.” I swallowed thickly and wetted my lips before finally saying those three little words that seemed so simple yet held so much impact: “I love you.”

There was a difference on making this confession whilst rambling and saying it like I just had. A fucking huge difference. Tanya’s green eyes widened dramatically. She suddenly reminded me of one of those big-eyed actresses in those 1950’s classic movies she so loved. I could feel how her hand went a bit slack and sweaty in my grasp, and her throat bopped as she swallowed thickly. Then I saw the first sign of mistiness in her eyes. If she blinked, that mistiness would a hundred percent turn into tears. I had made her cry. My brilliant, sassy girlfriend was crying because I had told her I loved her. For a moment it looked like she was gonna let the tears win and burst out crying, but then she wiped her cheeks with her free hand. 

“Shit,” she said, raspier than I had ever heard her before. “That’s a pretty big deal, isn’t it?” 

“Well, it can be,” I half-chuckled and brushed my lips over her knuckles. Then I carefully searched her face. “Are you afraid?”

“Yes,” Tanya said immediately and inhaled quickly before continuing. “Though not of you. I’m scared of myself.”

“And why is that?” I asked softly and kissed her hand again. 

“You’re my first proper girlfriend,” Tanya rasped. “And you’re certainly the first one to say... that to me. It’s huge and important, and I’m afraid of fucking it up.”

“Fucking up is pretty inevitable when you’re in a relationship,” I said gently, now releasing her hand so I could cup her beautiful face instead. “There is no such thing as the perfect relationship....” I glanced at the car standing parked behind us. “Both of us will probably do a few donuts now and then-“

Tanya laughed at my not very romantic metaphor. 

“But you know what the most important thing is?” I continued, unphased by her amusement. 

“No. What’s that?”

“That we can yank at the wheel and find the right lane before a truck comes,” I smiled. “And you know what, I think we might just be able to do that, Goldstein. If we take turn to drive....”

“Is that a fancy way of telling me that you want to take the wheel once in a while?” Tanya chuckled.

“No. It’s a way of telling you that I wanna share the wheel,” I said. Then I leaned in and kissed her. Softly and sweetly and oh, so lovingly! Her cheeks felt wet under my fingers. She had clearly given in to the tears. Without breaking the kiss, I gently wiped the tears away from her cheeks. I had made her cry. Those three little words had made one hell of an impact on her. I was the first girlfriend to say that to her. I could only imagine what that meant for her. 

When we broke apart, Tanya scrubbed at her cheeks with movements that were almost angry. “Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?!”

“I think it’s feelings,” I gently teased. “Everyone has them, you know.”

“I didn’t. Not until I met you,” she grumbled. “You fucked me up, Swanson.”

I laughed. “Sorry. Not sorry.” 

Tanya wiped her eyes again. “Stupid, fucking shit.” 

I laughed louder at the very ‘Tanya’ reaction to my confession. She was hilarious. I said, ‘I love you’, and her initial response was ‘shit’. 

“Stop laughing at me!” she barked. 

I didn’t. Couldn’t stop. “God, you’re brilliant,” I said instead and gave her another kiss for good measurement. 

“I’m aware. You don’t have to tell me that,” she half-snipped. 

“I know I don’t. But I’ll still tell you once in a while,” I teased.

“Yeah, well, I think you’re brilliant too.”

“Aww!”

“Brilliantly annoying.”

“Should have seen that coming.”

“And just for the record,” she continued as though she hadn’t been interrupted. “I love you too. Even though you’re very annoying and that I want to kill you on most days.”

I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. It was possible that my face would crack in half. 

“What?” Tanya snipped. “Isn’t that how the ‘I love you’-thing is supposed to go? Saying it back is a thing, right?”

“It is,” I confirmed, still grinning widely. “Come here!” 

She willingly stepped into my arms. “Look who’s being sappy now.”

“I have a reason,” I chuckled. “Tanya Goldstein just told me she loved me.” 

“And she’s already considering to take it back.”

I ignored her weak attempt at sassing. “Say it again?”

“Don’t push it, sweetie.”

Something close to a giggle escaped me. Sweetie. She had not called me that before. And as sarcastic as it was meant to be, I actually quite liked it. “Please?” I coaxed and pecked her lips again. “Please?” I got a bit bolder and kissed her jaw now. 

“Fine!” she said somewhat strained. She liked having her jaw kissed. “I love you!”

“I love you too,” I beamed. 

“Excellent. With that established, should we get going then? I wanna get back to the hotel.”

“In a moment. When I’m done kissing you.” Before she could answer, I leaned in and slotted our lips together in yet another kiss. I heard her gasp slightly. She clearly hadn’t expected the intensity. I wrapped my arms tightly around her, held her as close as possible. The happiness exploded in me, and I poured every last ounce of it into the kiss. Those three little words had been lurking in the back of my mind for quite a while, and finally saying them... and hearing Tanya say them back. God, it felt better than I could ever have imagined! I loved her. And she loved me. Brilliantly annoying as I was. I could barely believe this. If I hadn’t hailed THAT taxi on THAT night. If I hadn’t said THOSE things to the ‘annoying brunette’ in said taxi. If Melanie hadn’t fallen in the shower, if Ingrid hadn’t asked me to cover for my colleague, Tanya and I wouldn’t be standing on this resting area and kissing each other like there was no tomorrow. I would just have been yet another person to interview Tanya. Nothing would have come of it, because it was because of the way I had challenged her in the taxi that had made her interested. She had told me that a hundred times already, and I still thanked the higher powers that I had chosen that night to get drunk. 

After a moment, Tanya and I headed back to the car. And to my surprise, she let me drive. Even made a joke about sharing the wheel. And whilst I did my best to steer the enormous Rolls Royce, I wasn’t familiar with, she took the time to undo her braids and run her fingers through her now wavy hair

I glanced at her. Openly admired the way the braids had made her blonde hair all curly

“Eyes on the road,” Tanya said, and then we both laughed at the irony...

********************

Tanya ordered room service when we came back to the hotel. As opposed to when we left early this morning, there was people in the reception now, and few of them did indeed recognize Tanya. I was pretty sure I saw one or two cellphones being lifted to snap a picture of her.

Tanya took all of it in strides and focused on ordering room service and let the receptionist know that we would be checking out tomorrow. 

But when we came back to the room, Tanya nevertheless made a joke about being grateful for having undone her braids before coming back to the hotel. “There are certain looks that doesn’t work in the magazines,” she said as she ran her fingers through her curls. 

“I don’t think any of them were reporters,” I pointed out. 

Tanya laughed throatily. “I’m an actress, sweetie. I have to assume that at least one of them was a reporter.”

“Sounds pessimistic.”

“Or a smart way to ensure that you always look your best no matter what,” she chuckled. 

“Well.... That’s pretty easy for you,” I said as I flopped back onto the bed. “You never not look your best...”

“Sweet but untrue,” Tanya half-laughed. “You’ve seen me in sweatpants. I’m sure you’d agree that it’s not my best look.”

“I actually think you look pretty cute in sweatpants,” I said truthfully. Nobody could wear a pair of sweatpants like Tanya could. Just like with everything else, she made it look fashionable. 

She let out another hoarse laughter and then declared: “I’m absolutely beat. Good thing you made the idea of staying one more night at the hotel before heading out.”

“I’m full of good ideas,” I teased. 

“Yes. You are. And if I hadn’t been so beat, I would have come up with one or two good ideas myself, but as for right now...” she let herself fall backwards onto the bed like I had done a moment ago. The bedsprings creaked and the mattress bounced as Tanya landed in a mess of long limbs and wild curls. 

I snickered as I helpfully brushed a few stray curls away from her face. “Aww. You all tired, Goldstein?”

“Mmm. I can’t feel my legs. Or my arms. Or my head.”

“That sounds serious.”

“And I’m sure it is,” Tanya yawned and fumbled to get her phone out of her pocket. 

“Can I see that picture of Genevieve again?” I asked, referring to what Tanya had been fawning about during the drive home. 

“Sure,” Tanya said, unlocked her phone and found her most recent conversation with ‘PA Frank’. Both of us chuckled when we saw the picture of Frank and Genevieve ‘posing’ together. Genevieve looked sour, and Frank tried his utmost to copy her sullen look. 

“God, I miss that cat,” Tanya said. “I should tell Frank to drive her up here.”

“Uhh....”

“I’m JOKING,” she snorted. “I’d never ask him to do that.”

“Happy to hear that.”

“I’d rent a private jet and have her flown up here. Much quicker.”

“Tanya!” I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Your jokes are the worst.”

“Are you sure it’s a joke, sweetie?” she drawled. “I could be dead serious.”

“You could,” I nodded. “But I don’t think you are. It won’t be long until you see Genevieve again.”

“Well... That all depends, doesn’t it?” she lightly mused and absentmindedly danced a finger along my knee. “On how things will go, I mean. If Matthew’s condition remains unchanged for a longer period of time, there isn’t much point with staying around, but I’m sure it would be frowned upon by the Fleming clan...”

“Fuck them,” I said simply. 

Tanya let out a little bubbly laughter. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what you said to Elizabeth, isn’t it?”

“No. Not really. I just.... put my foot down,” I said somewhat sheepishly. 

“You sure did. And it was dead sexy.” 

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhmm. I have never been as attracted to you as I was right then and there...”

I chuckled, teased: “You know what? I think you’re pretty attracted to me all the time, Goldstein.”

“Oh, please. Don’t flatter yourself,” she scoffed. 

“Just callin’ it like I see ‘em.”

“You’re so full of yourself,” she said lazily and brushed hair away from her face. 

“That why you love me?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Mhmmmmm,” she drawled with a twinkle in her eyes. 

I laughed and nuzzled closer to her. Would probably have kissed her if it hadn’t been for the knock on the door. 

“That’s room service,” Tanya yawned and sat up. “Would you mind getting that?”

I left my lazy girlfriend to sit on the bed and walked over to open the door. It was indeed room service. A waiter in a white waistcoat rolled a tray table inside our hotel room. “A little bit of everything like you asked, miss Manson.”

I had to suffocate a chuckle. 

“Thank you,” Tanya said, finally getting up from the bed. She found her purse and fidgeted with it for a moment before coming over to the waiter and shaking his hand. And clearly giving him some money in the process. Like she was in some old movie. “You’ve been most helpful,” she said warmly. 

The poor waiter clearly tried his best to remain professional as he stuttered his way through a: “thank you, miss Manson. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if you need anything else.”

“No, that’ll be all,” Tanya said and smiled her infamous Hollywood smile. 

The waiter looked a little dazed as he wished us a good rest of the night and then backed out of the room. 

Tanya snickered to herself. 

“Well, now that waiter loves you too,” I said dryly. 

“I don’t think so, darling.”

“Didn’t you see how he looked at you? He totally loves you,” I said a bit exasperated. 

“Well, I AM a very delightful person,” Tanya said simply and turned her attention to the tray table. “Ooooh, French fries! Awesome!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her enthusiasm. One could tell that Tanya didn’t treat herself to French fries very often. “And sushi,” I observed, taking a closer look at the tray table. I had been zoning out while she had ordered food. 

“Yes. And why not?” Tanya said as she eagerly rolled the table over to the bed. “Come and dine with me, baby.”

I scoffed. “Need I remind you that you’re only one year older than me?” 

“Need I remind you that I don’t care?” she dismissed and patted the bed. “Now sit your pretty ass down.”

So I did just that. Tanya switched on the television and we ended up landing on a channel showing ‘Titanic’. Not a bad way to end the night at all. Sushi, Titanic and Tanya. What more could anyone possibly ask for?

We were up bright and early the next morning. It was a long drive back to Moonlight Farm and the field we were planning on camping out on. We had to pack our things together, and we wanted to get a head start. Tanya ordered room service again, and once we were done eating, we packed our things. I showered first, I was the fastest, it was what made the most sense, and then it was Tanya’s turn. I was assigned with the task of making the bed while she showered. I tried convincing her that she didn’t need to make the bed on a hotel, but she insisted. Was adamant that she wouldn’t experience a calm moment if the bed wasn’t made when we left. So of course I ended up promising that I would do it. And do it well. 

I could hear the water running as I made the enormous hotel bed and fluffed up the pillows like Tanya had instructed me to do. In a little while, this hotel room would be traded for open fields and a tent and a sleeping bag. And I couldn’t wait. Maybe the hotel room was nice and maybe it was nice to be treated to room service whenever we wanted, but I had a feeling that staying in the tent would be more special. It was something Tanya had done as a kid and teenager. And she had been alone every time. Now she got to actually bring someone with her to her favorite spot. I could only imagine how important and special that was for her. I heard humming over the sound of the water running in the bathroom and chuckled to myself. Tanya Goldstein sang in the shower. A well kept secret to everyone else. Except me. I knew her dark secret. And I had teased her about it. Had at some point told her that her rendition of ‘Poker Face’ would make Lady Gaga proud. As far as I could remember, Tanya had thrown a pillow at me and told me to shut up. But I hadn’t been lying. Tanya had quite the good voice. And obviously, I found her shower singing to be extremely cute. I paused mid-fluff with a pillow still in my hand and listened. What was today’s tune? Hmm. I crept a little closer to the bathroom door and grinned to myself when I identified the tune being hummed behind the door. ‘My Heart Will Go On’. 

Someone had clearly watched a little too much Titanic last night. And she had claimed that the song was overrated! Ha! My smile widened. Singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ in the shower. Yet another reason to love her. I left her to her little one-woman-concert and continued the task of making the bed. And fluffing the pillows. Tanya was especially particular about that. Claimed that she had a certain way of fluffing pillows that no one, not even me could copy. But that certainly shouldn’t prevent me from trying. Maybe I could even prove her wrong. Maybe I could do it just as good as she could. Challenge accepted. I would prove to my girlfriend with the Monica Geller-traits that I was VERY capable when it came to fluffing of pillows. I caught myself humming along to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ and snorted quietly to myself. Apparently, the one-woman-concert had just turned into a two-woman-concert. Right then. Hopefully Tanya couldn’t hear that I had joined in. 

“Apparently singing in the shower is infectious. Even if you’re not in the shower,” I muttered to myself. I obviously didn’t expect an answer, but I got one anyway. Sort of. Tanya’s cellphone went off and began ringing and scratching noisily against the bedside table. Once again, I stopped mid-fluff and turned my head, so I was facing the bathroom door. “Yo, Tanya!” I called and snickered to myself. ‘Yo, Tanya’. Where did that even come from? 

“What?” she asked, yelling to be louder than the water running. 

“Your phone is ringing!”

“Then answer it!”

“What?”

The water stopped running for a moment. “I’m naked. I’m against answering the phone when I’m naked. Unless it’s you calling me. And since you’re right there, I’d be seriously weirded out if it really WAS you.”

I chuckled. “Can’t you just put on a towel or something?”

“I also dislike answering the phone when I’m wet and drippy!”

“Right.” I cleared my throat. “Thank you for planting THAT image in my head.”

She laughed. “Just answer the phone. And tell whoever it is that I’ll call them back in... ten minutes.” The water started to run again.

“Yes, miss Goldstein,” I joked. Then I picked up the phone and turned it screen up. Right then. “Uhm, Tanya?”

The water was switched off again. “Now what?!” clearly annoyed now. 

But that was just too bad. “It’s Elizabeth!” I told her.

“Then tell her that I’ll call her back in ten minutes.”

“What? ME?!” I squeaked. 

“Yes, Mara. You. You were so good at talking to her yesterday. You can do it again. Please? I’m getting conditioner in my eyes!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it!” I vowed. “Be careful with the conditioner!”

“Got it.” 

The water started running again, and I took a deep breath and put on my brave face. Then I slid a finger across the screen. Brought the phone up to my ear. A crisp ‘hello Mrs. Fleming’ was already laying on my tongue, but she beat me to it. 

“Rose?” Elizabeth said. 

“No, not quite. Good morning, Mrs. Fleming,” I said a bit too tightly to be polite. 

“Miss Swanson,” Elizabeth said, equally tightly. “Where’s my daughter?”

“I’m afraid Tanya can’t get to the phone right now.” now that was polite. “But I definitely pass a message on.”

There was a beat of silence, and for a second, I actually thought that the loveable Mrs. Fleming had hung up with me. But then I heard rattling in the background that revealed that Elizabeth was in fact still there. 

“Mrs. Fleming?” I said. Politely. Patient. I was the picture-perfect daughter in law. 

“Very well,” Elizabeth said tightly and sounded like she was in agony over being forced to talk to me instead of Tanya. “Would you please inform my daughter that her father is awake? I assume that she will appreciate being informed of this.” 

My heart started racing. Matthew Fleming had awakened from his coma. That... That was... 

“Miss Swanson?” Elizabeth said impatiently. “Are you gonna inform my daughter or not? I’m on my way to the hospital as we speak, and I except that Rose would want to do the same.”

“Yeah. Got it,” I said and pulled myself together enough to talk to Mrs. Fleming. “I’ll tell Tanya. Thank you for calling.”

“The last thing my husband did before falling unconscious was calling out for our daughter. Of course I’m informing her that he’s awake.” Click. 

“Okay,” I muttered quietly as I moved the phone away from my ear. It was impossible not to notice how emotional Elizabeth Fleming had sounded before hanging up on me. I felt a bit beside myself as I walked over to the bathroom door and gently knocked on it. “Tanya? Babe?”

Groaning. Cussing. The water being switched off yet again. “What?!” Tanya asked. “For fucks sake, don’t tell me that was Stacy AGAIN. We actually have a rule about her not calling me this early, she knows that I’m-“

“It wasn’t Stacy,” I gently interrupted. “It was Elizabeth.”

Silence. Then shuffling. Material rustling. Possibly a bathrobe being taken off the rack and tied. A breath. And then: “he’s gone, isn’t he?” Tanya asked quietly and matter of factly. “That’s why she called this early. To tell me that he’s dead.”

“No! Fuck, no! No, no, no! He’s alive! And awake!” I hastily yapped. 

“Are you serious?” now Tanya’s voice was small. 

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! He’s awake! Elizabeth is on her way to the hospital!”

I was pretty sure I heard another sharp intake of breath. Hectic shuffling about, and then: “I’ll be out in five minutes. Get ready.”

“Already am,” I assured and felt warm relief settle in my chest. Matthew Fleming was awake, and pretty soon Tanya was gonna see him. He had gotten a second chance at life. A second chance at making things right with his daughter. And I hoped to hell that he would use that chance!


	31. Olive Branches

Exactly seven minutes later, Tanya and I were back in the car. Back on the road. Tanya’s hair was still wet from the shower and was hanging down her back. She hadn’t even bothered putting it up in a ponytail. She had just given it a quick brushing and been satisfied with that. The only type of makeup adorning her face was a hint of eye-liner and a little bit of pale pink lipstick. That was all. And she honestly looked so different. Softer. She hadn’t made a point of dressing fancy either. After I had delivered the news about Matthew’s regain of consciousness, she had come almost stumbling out of the bathroom and hauled random clothing out of her suitcase. And that random clothing had turned out to be a pair of jeans and my oversized, blue men’s shirt. Tanya had stuffed the hem of the shirt down the waistband of her jeans, had rolled up the sleeves past her elbows, had smoothened the collar flat, left the shirt half unbuttoned and declared that this was how it was gonna be. And I was pretty damn sure her outfit would be trending tomorrow if anyone saw her in it. She looked fantastic. It didn’t matter that she literally just had hauled the first and best clothing out of her suitcase. 

Once she was dressed, we had grabbed our suitcases and had left the hotel room. Tanya had left the key and some money on the counter, non-bothered that anybody could walk past and snatch them. 

She didn’t care. She was in a hurry. And I more than understood that. I refrained from teasing her about her driving today. It wasn’t the time or place for teasing. 

She didn’t say much as we drove back towards the hospital. Her mouth was drawn into a thin line, and a permanent wrinkle had settled right between her beautiful, green eyes. When we were waiting for the traffic light to turn green, I saw her rub her fingers together in a fidgety manner. She was nervous. More nervous than I had ever seen her before. Her eyes were wide and worried and her cheeks pale. 

Now and then I reached out and touched her. Patted her thigh or squeezed her knee gently. Just to remind her that I was still there. That she wasn’t doing this alone. And no matter what, that wouldn’t change. I would always be right by her side to support her. I had to be her rock. Her safe place. Couldn’t let her see how nervous I too was. Matthew Fleming was awake. But what did he want? Was he finally going to make things right with Tanya after fourteen years of nothing? Was he really going to try to patch things up somehow? Could that even be done? How did you bridge a rift that had been allowed to grow and grow for fourteen years? 

I glanced at Tanya. Suppose Matthew really wanted to apologize. Would Tanya accept that apology? Even IF Matthew really did want to apologize to her, it wouldn’t just automatically be rainbows and butterflies afterwards. It would take time. A long time. There were many things that needed to be talked about. The bond between Tanya and Matthew would be fragile for a long, long time. I looked at her as she impatiently tapped the wheel whilst the car in front of us took its sweet time turning right. What was going on inside her head? What was she thinking about right now? I wanted to ask her, but at the same time, I had a feeling that she wasn’t feeling very chatty right now. I respected that. And I didn’t mind the silence even if it was a bit unusual for Tanya to be this quiet and subdued. I felt a rush of tenderness for her as I looked at her. My girlfriend. So strong, yet so vulnerable. Full of hidden depths and pockets of insecurities. A celebrity in Hollywood, but also a horse-girl who loved camping out and climbing on roofs. It was so easy to judge Tanya and decide who she was when you first met her. Saw her clothes, her long hair and her features. The first word coming to mind would be ‘beautiful’. A pretty face. Then she would open her mouth and maybe come up with a witty remark, and you would decide that she had good humor. Beautiful AND funny. Perhaps you’d get annoyed at this actress who had seemingly hit the jackpot when it came to looks and humor and career. 

But there was far more to Tanya than good humor and a pretty face. She was multi-layered. She had walled the hell up and created this ice queen persona to avoid getting hurt, which I didn’t blame her, but if you were fortunate enough to be allowed in past those walls, you’d discover what kind of person Tanya Goldstein really was. Kind. Caring. A huge animal lover. Fiercely protective over the people she cared about most. A sensitive person who went misty-eyed when watching the end of Titanic and complained about Rose and her inability to realize that the door she was laying on was big enough for two. That was the person Tanya Goldstein was. That was the person she never showed to the rest of the world. But I was fortunate enough to see the woman behind the ice queen. Sometimes I got this overwhelming feeling to yell it from a rooftop. To tell the rest of the world what a wonderful, kind, caring person Tanya was. 

Or maybe I could just yell it to her family instead. Tanya was right there. Why couldn’t they get their heads out of their assess and SEE her?! See what a wonderful person she was instead of automatically thinking ‘sin’. There was nothing sinful about living your life as authentically as possible. The only reason Tanya’s family had to think ill of her was because she was in love with a woman. That was literally all. 

My jaw clenched. So did my fist. I wanted to shake all of them. Yell at them until they understood how wrong they had been about her. How badly they had treated her.

“Remind me that we need to stop at a grocery store on the way back from the hospital.”

I let out a teeny yelp in surprise. 

“Oh yes, she talks,” Tanya joked. “In case you were in doubt.”

“I wasn’t. Not when it comes to you,” I assured. “So. Grocery store. Why do we have to stop at one?”

“Be-cause...” Tanya rolled her eyes, immediately looking a bit more like herself. “I assume we want to eat something during our little camping trip.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah.”

She chuckled. “Where’s your head at, Swanson?” 

I settled for a shrug and a gentle: “What about yours?”

“I...” Tanya made a sort of ‘prrr’-sound with her lips. “To be honest, I don’t know. However harsh it sounds, I hadn’t expected him to wake up. At least not right now. I had imagined that I would have a bit more time to wrap my head around it.”

“I get it,” I said softly.

“I mean, what does he want?” Tanya continued a tad exasperated. “To apologize to me? The same guy who told me not to come again?”

“Maybe he’s changed his mind,” I suggested. 

“Could be,” she sighed. “But is it too late? I can’t decide.”

“Maybe you’ll know it when you see him?” I said and gave her knee a soft little squeeze. 

“Maybe. I feel so conflicted. The thing is, I had never expected to hear from Montana again. Not ever. I had expected them to go about their business, and me to go about my business. No contact. At least not before one of them passed and a lawyer informed me.” Tanya said all of this with a completely blank look on her face. “And I was fine with that! I had accepted it, and now this has happened! I do not...” she sighed. “I do not need a reason for my mental health to decline all over again. I’ve been doing so well lately, and I’m afraid all of this will mess me up again!”

“It won’t!” I said firmly. “I won’t let that happen!”

She laughed without any amusement. “Mara, you can’t protect me from my own mind.”

“No. But I CAN protect you from your parents. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do should it be necessary. I won’t let them hurt you again. Not ever.”

“Stop it,” she said, voice all scratchy. “I can’t concentrate on driving when you say stuff like that. It makes me want to pull over, and I don’t know whether it’s to kiss you or have an emotional breakdown real quickly...”

“Stopping right now,” I assured her. God forbid I should make her cry! That was the last thing I wanted to happen.

One thing I noticed as we were driving to the hospital, was the fact that Tanya was driving at least five miles below the speed she normally she drove. Our near-crash from yesterday was clearly still sitting in her. And when I asked her, she said that she was signing up for that refreshment driver’s course after we had been in England. 

“Nothing happened,” I reminded her. “Stop beating yourself up over it.” 

She scoffed. “I almost turned us into strawberry mush on the road. Of course I’m beating up myself about it. Who wouldn’t?”

“It was an accident, babe.”

“I KNOW it was, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll just- babe?” she chuckled. “Is that who I am now?”

“Maybe,” I said. I hadn’t even noticed the pet name until she commented on it. “If you wanna be, that is.” 

“But of course, Pumpkin,” she quipped. 

“Urgh. Please stop it,” I groaned. 

“No sorry, can’t do. Pumpkin,” she laughed.

“You are so annoying.” But really, she wasn’t. I was super relieved to hear her laugh and joke around like she always did. It made me feel less worried about her. Her laughter was genuine, I could tell. Not just a façade she was putting up.

“Do you wanna listen to the radio or something?” she asked. 

“No, I’m good with just driving,” I smiled. Despite the destination and whatever trouble laying ahead, this was pretty great. Just driving with the windows wide open. 

“You look so good with the wind in your hair,” Tanya said with a chuckle. 

“And you look great wearing my shirt.”

“It’s not your shirt anymore, baby. It’s mine,” she corrected and smirked. “You’ll never get it back.”

“Can’t we share it?” I sweetly suggested. “Sharing is caring, you know.”

“Who says I wanna share with you?” she teased. Her tone was soft. Suggested that she very much wanted to share with me. 

I for one wanted to share with her. And not just the shirt. I wanted to share everything. 

Tanya hummed absentmindedly to herself. ‘The Bluest Eyes in Texas’. Maybe the song had gotten stuck in her mind or something. I was just about to tease her when I remembered something: “hey, how do we get to that field we’re going camping at?”

“We ride,” Tanya said in a ‘duh’-tone. 

“Right. I can’t ride.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll ride Panther. He’s the gentlest horse we’ve got.”

I made a skeptic little noise. I couldn’t ride. But of course I was willing to try. For her. I’d probably make a right ass out of myself, but what the hell....

By the time we arrived at the hospital, Tanya looked a bit worse for wear. She was just a little too pale. I could tell that she was nervous, but she didn’t mention it with a word. She remained steely and sassy as we exited the car and went towards the hospital. 

I sneakily wiggled my fingers in between her, and she responded with a chuckle and a soft: “hi”.

“Hi,” I echoed with a grin. 

“Your hands are sweaty,” she complained. 

I was pretty sure she was the one with sweaty hands, but I still let her have this one. “That’s because I’m close to you,” I joked. “You make me all sweaty.”

“No, I don’t,” she scoffed. “At least not right now. But if you’re really lucky, I might do later.”

“Ohhh,” I cooed. “That sounds interesting. But aren’t we gonna be like.... in a tent later?”

“Mhmm,” she drawled, lowering her voice as we crossed the parking lot. “Ever done it in a tent before, Ma-ra?”

“Uhh... no, can’t say that I have,” I said a bit half-heartedly. Man she was distracting me. 

She cackled. “We’ll have to rectify that then. But first things first.” She glanced up at the big, white building. 

“I’m with you,” I reminded her. 

“I know. I can literally feel you squashing my hand,” she joked, but I could hear the warmth in her voice all the same. She appreciated my presence. Good thing. I was gonna be around a lot. 

“People are gonna look at you,” I pointed out. 

“I know,” she sighed. “I was so stressed I completely forgot all about putting the wig on. But what the hell, people can stare if they want to. I didn’t come there to get attention.”

“I know. But if you really were to be photographed today, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. You look amazing.” 

“So do you,” she smiled.

“Thank you, but I’m actually not too sure about this top.” My top was a light shade of purple, strapless and with a sweetheart neckline. It was extremely warm today, and I the thought about wearing something constricting with straps had almost killed me. I hadn’t worn this top a lot. It was fairly new. I had bought it on a whim because it had been on sale, but now I wasn’t too sure. Maybe it wasn’t my style.

“Good thing I am, then,” Tanya said lightly. “It really suits you. You’re getting really tanned.”

“Let’s hope it’ll last in dark, dark England,” I joked. We had made it to the door, and Tanya wiggled her hand out of my grasp to open it. She gallantly held it open for me. 

“Aww, thank you,” I snickered. “Look at you being all... Girlfriend-y.”

“That’s not a word,” she deadpanned. 

“It is now!”

“You’re hopeless.”

I told her that I wasn’t, she said the opposite, and we bickered as we went inside the hospital and down the hallway towards the elevator. She spontaneously took my hand, and I quickly gave it a little squeeze to offer some silent support. I had a feeling that was what she needed right now. Not ‘it’s going to be okay’-crap. It was cliché. And Tanya Goldstein was not one for clichés. 

“Do you know how many people are gathered when we arrive?” I asked. 

“I suspect it’s all of them,” Tanya shrugged. “Elizabeth, obviously. Scary Poppins and The Holy Cousins. Stephen. And Grace.” 

“Oh, I like her,” I smiled. “She’s cool.”

“And I think Stephen might be too,” Tanya mused. “He seemed very... forthcoming the last time, didn’t he?”

“He did,” I agreed. More than that, actually. Stephen had gone out of his way to make it known that he was on ‘our’ side. 

We stepped inside the elevator. I barely made it before the door slurped closed behind me, and as a result, I bumped into Tanya and ended up squashing her against the wall. Thank god the elevator was empty. 

“You just can’t contain yourself, can you?” Tanya drawled as she put a surprisingly firm hand on my ass to keep me there. She didn’t seem the least bit bothered with being slammed up against the wall. 

“Says the woman who is grabbing my ass.”

“You can’t blame my natural response to being pushed up against a wall by you.”

“Touché, miss Goldstein. Touché,” I grinned as I carefully moved away from her. Her hand fell away, and I was kinda sad about that. But then I remembered that this was an elevator. In a hospital. I had to behave myself. We were on our way to see her family. Time to think about something else. Like the fact that Tanya was tapping her foot up and down, up and down. She was being antsy. Very antsy. I leaned into her, and it didn’t take long before I felt her long arm encage me. Not the worst cage to be caught in, definitely not. I happened to love this cage quite a bit, and I couldn’t resist to tell her that. 

“I love you. A lot.” The last part had sort of been a happy accident, but it sounded pretty cute, so what the hell. 

Tanya chuckled, rolled her eyes, of course. “I love you too. A lot. Despite it sounding stupid....”

The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. Tanya and I stepped out, and her usual high heels clack-clack-clack’ed against the floor. Her walk was confident. Full of its usual swagger. Good. That was how   
I preferred it. But I had to jog to keep up with her. 

“Wait for me, I have tiny legs,” I joked. 

“Well, hurry up, short stuff,” she smirked, going alone on the joke. “Come here....” she reached out and grasped my hand. 

I happily intertwined our fingers. “You know, I think there’s been a lot of handholding lately, Goldstein.”

“I know. It’s nice, isn’t it?” she said lightly. “I had no idea you spent so much time holding hands with your girlfriend...” she trailed off, and I chuckled. Couldn’t help it. Tanya talking about hand-holding was just the sweetest thing ever. We continued down the hallway and met a doctor on the way. She smiled at Tanya. Very warmly, too, I noticed. Yeah, she had most definitely watched ‘Love Me Not’, and she most definitely knew who Tanya were as well. I chuckled lightly to myself. When you were a celebrity, you had fans everywhere. Even at the hospital. 

Soon we found ourselves in front of that door again. The door that lead into the waiting room. Tanya stopped and took a deep breath. Rolled her shoulders and then straightened her posture. 

“Are you alright?” I asked gently.

“Mmm. Just.... give me a second,” she said quietly and took another deep breath. 

I was pretty sure she wasn’t okay, but I didn’t want to pressure her. She didn’t need that right now. She didn’t need me to chatter in her ear. She just needed to have her moment while I stood quietly next to her. And held her hand. In a flash of inspiration, I began rubbing the soft spot between her thumb and index finger. 

“That feels nice,” she said quietly and even managed to smile a little. But it was a meek smile. 

“Happy to hear it, Goldstein.”

She didn’t scold me for saying her last name. She didn’t care about that today. Didn’t care that her wig was somewhere in her suitcase and not covering her trademark blonde hair. Right now she was running her free hand through it. Again and again. Maybe it was a type of fidgeting I hadn’t learned about yet. Tanya did a lot of fidgeting when she was anxious. It was a part of her diagnosis, and her voice had been small and toneless when she told me about it many months ago. How she sometimes had driven herself insane because she couldn’t stop bouncing her leg or switching channels on the television. 

“Okay, I think that’s enough pondering,” she interrupted my train of thoughts. “Let’s go.”

“You sure?”

“Mhmm. We can’t keep standing here for all eternity, can we?” Tanya joked. Then she opened the door to the waiting room. 

I followed her inside the room, and once again I came face to face with ‘the Fleming Clan’. Tina. Tom. Elizabeth. Stephen. And Grace. Whom immediately wiggled out of Tina’s grasp. “Aunt T!” 

Before I could even blink, Grace had catapulted herself straight towards Tanya and hugged her fiercely. 

“Woah,” Tanya said and clearly pretended to stagger. “You’ll be the death of me, kid!”

Grace giggled, satisfied with herself. Then she looked up at me. “Hi, Mara!”

“Hey, Grace,” I greeted. “Nice to see you again.” 

“Nice to see you too,” she said and looked back up at Tanya. She still had her arms around her. “I’ve missed you, aunt T!”

“Grace, please, don’t shout. This is a hospital,” Tina said tightly, and I got the strongest feeling that she was actually reprimanding Grace for hugging Tanya. 

After a moment, Grace released her death-grip on Tanya, but she remained close to her. 

“You came,” Elizabeth said. She sounded almost timid. 

“Yes,” Tanya said simply. “How is he?”

“Conscious, but weak,” Elizabeth replied. “His left side is mostly paralyzed, and he can’t say much. They’ve given him a letter chart so he can spell the things he wants to say.”

“I see,” Tanya said tonelessly. “But they reckon he’ll pull through, yes?”

“Your father is a strong man,” Elizabeth said, repeating what she had said the first time we were in the hospital. “But it’ll take time. Rehabilitation. Possibly a speech therapist too. And maybe even surgery, but we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there.”

“Mhmm.”

“First and foremost, he has to get stronger,” Elizabeth said. “Your aunt Mary is with him right now. He has trouble settling down. Can’t really seem to find rest.”

“Oh. And why is that?” Tanya frowned a little. 

“He wants to see you. The first word he spelled when he was giving the chart, was your name,” Elizabeth said, eyes flickering and fingers worrying the golden cross around her neck. 

“My, my,” was Tanya’s response to this. But she didn’t sound quite as toneless anymore. 

Elizabeth’s eyes flickered again. Towards me this time. I calmly returned her gaze. I wasn’t embarrassed about the things I had said to her the last time I saw her. As a matter fact, I felt very good about the things I had said. I had defended my girlfriend and told Elizabeth Fleming a few truths about herself. She HAD abused her daughter. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, and to this day, Tanya was still affected by that. The ice queen persona didn’t sprout from nothing. Her family helped constructing her. 

Tanya glanced at me, then at Elizabeth, and then at me again. She raised an eyebrow at our silent staring contest, and I could swear she looked impressed. And proud. Of me. She slipped an arm around me. Squeezed me a little. Next to us, Tina recoiled a little, and Tom sneered, but Grace smiled at us. I returned the smile tenfold, and Tanya reached out with her free hand and ruffled her niece’s hair. 

“Can I please visit aunt T in Los Angeles soon?” Grace asked her parents. 

“No!” Tina barked. 

“Maybe,” Stephen said just as firmly. “We’ll have to talk about that, sweetie.” 

“Stephen!” Tina said sharply. 

“No, Tina,” her husband sighed and ran two fingers through his sandy blonde hair. “I’m sick and tired of this farce. And I’m tired of seeing our daughter unhappy because she can’t visit her aunt or talk to her when she feels like it.” he motioned towards Grace. “Come on, sweetie, let’s find you something from the vending machine.”

Father and daughter disappeared out of the waiting room, and Tanya turned to look at Tanya with eyes that blazed with anger. “Are you happy now?!” she sneered.

I cleared my throat in warning. I did not like her tone at all. 

“Tina, the only thing causing friction in your life, is your medieval opinions about love,” Tanya said plainly. “You can’t blame me for that.”

“You turned my husband and daughter against me!”

“Hey!” I barked. 

“It’s alright, darling,” Tanya assured me before turning to Tina again. “No, Tina. I didn’t. YOU did. A shame you’ll never realize that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking-“

“Tina, please. Your uncle is very ill,” Elizabeth interrupted. “This is a place for healing and recovery. Not arguments.”

I stared at her. Did Elizabeth Fleming actually try to come to her daughter’s aid? Either that, or I needed hearing aids.

Tina huffed. And Tom seemed rather unsatisfied with Elizabeth’s comment too. He scowled. After a moment, Tina left the waiting room. Most likely to find her husband and daughter. And after another moment, Tom followed her example. They reminded me of a pair of scolded children running away from their parents. Pathetic. 

Now it was just me, Tanya and Elizabeth left in the room. None of us were sitting in the plushy chairs. We were standing awkwardly. Elizabeth in the center of the room, constantly fidgeting with the golden cross pendant. Tanya leaned against the wall with one arm around me, and wrapping locks of her hair around her fingers. To say the mood in here was tense, would be an understatement. 

Elizabeth’s eyes constantly flickered towards the door to Matthew’s hospital room. Her forehead was wrinkled. Concern painted all over it. Worry for her husband who was right behind that door. Alive, but weakened. With a long road of recovery waiting ahead of him. 

“Pater Noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum,” Elizabeth said hushed whilst still holding onto the golden cross. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra.”

I didn’t know what she was saying, but I did know that it was Latin, and judging by the way she was holding the cross as she spoke, I easily figured out that what she was saying had to be some kind of prayer.

“Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie,” Tanya said quietly, and my jaw nearly hit the floor. I did not see that coming. As in at all. Once again, she managed to surprise me completely. I stared at her, but she merely flashed me a teeny, tiny smile as she continued: “et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.”

“Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo,” Elizabeth picked it up, and I noted that she was looking at Tanya as she spoke. Really looked at her. “Amen.”

“Amen,” Tanya echoed and calmly returned Elizabeth’s gaze. 

“You remember,” Elizabeth said, and she smiled. Actually smiled. Genuinely. 

“Of course I do,” Tanya replied. “There are certain things you never forget, Elizabeth. No matter how much time passes.”

“We used say that prayer every night before you went to bed,” Elizabeth said quietly. “Do you remember that too?”

“Like it was yesterday,” Tanya nodded. “It was a pretty solid part of my bedtime routine until I turned thirteen.”

“Do you... Do you still say it?” Elizabeth asked almost carefully. 

“Occasionally,” Tanya said. “Sometimes I say it if I’ve had a particular stressful day shooting. Repeating it, or saying parts of it helps me calm my mind.”

See, I didn’t know that. Tanya had never told me. But I could tell that she was telling the truth.

“Deep down, we’re not all that different,” Tanya continued, quietly but not pleadingly. “Maybe we don’t have the same opinions about love, but...”

Elizabeth frowned again as she looked at me. 

“Elizabeth, Mara isn’t going anywhere,” Tanya said calmly. “She... loves me, and I love her. That’s how things are. That’s how things will be. It won’t change, no matter how much you want it to.”

“Rose-“

“I know how worried you are whether God loves me or not,” Tanya interrupted. “But... do you?”

“Do I-“

“Do you love me?” she asked plainly. “That has always been my main concern. Not whether some higher power loves me or not. Because to me, you WERE that higher power. You were the one I looked up   
to when I was a kid. The one I wanted to please the most. Not God. You.”

I swallowed thickly. 

“I can’t keep trying to please you, Elizabeth,” Tanya said tiredly. “I can’t keep trying to get your approval in everything I do. It’s exhausting. And fruitless, to be honest. This is who I am. I’m gay. I fall in love with women. I fell in love with Mara. Head over heels. I am not going to change. I am finally in a good place. Perhaps for the first time in years. I feel calmer than I have for a very long time. My mind is less troubled. As a mother, that should please you...” she took a deep breath. “You failed me once when I came to you as a teenager and told you who I was. I trusted you, and you failed me. This is the last chance you get to make up for it. You can either choose to be happy for me and accept my choice, or.... I’m done. For good. I can’t keep surrounding myself with people who are toxic. It’s not good for my mental health. It’s up to you now. I’ve said what I wanted to say.” She went silent and gave me a little squeeze, but whether it was for my sake or her own remained unknown. 

Before Elizabeth could say anything, the door to Matthew’s hospital room opened and Mary stepped out. As impeccable and neat as the last time. And exactly as bitchy. She sneered as she looked at Tanya, and it looked like she had to force the words out of her mouth: “my brother refuses to rest until he has seen you. For reasons I don’t quite understand.” 

“Well, I better go in there, don’t I, Mary,” Tanya said a bit jokingly and moved her arm away from my shoulder. 

“Don’t you say something that can upset him! My brother is fragile! He doesn’t need to-“

“You have got to be kidding me right now,” I said without skipping a beat, and definitely without caring whether it was rude or not. 

Mary looked at me like I was something filthy she had found under a rock, but I paid no attention to her. I only looked at Tanya as I said: “I’ll go with you.”

She smiled and shook her head. “No, darling. Not this time.”

“What? Tanya, I’m not letting you do this alone. No way!“ I said firmly. I wasn’t interested in letting her out of my sight. And certainly not for this. Not when she was about to have a ‘confrontation’ with Matthew.

“It’s not that I don’t want you there, sweetheart,” she said gently and traced my cheekbone with one long finger. “But I think I have to do this on my own. You understand that, don’t you?”

I did, but that didn’t mean that I was pleased about it. Still, I nodded though. I respected her decision about going to see Matthew on her own. 

She flashed me a smile. Kissed my cheek and then my lips. A very sweet kiss that lasted a bit longer than I had expected. But I only appreciated that. Didn’t give a damn that Elizabeth and Mary were here. 

“Love you,” Tanya whispered in my ear, and I could have melted right on the spot. She was clearly trying to get used to say it. 

I didn’t melt, though. Instead I flashed her a smile and lifted my chin slightly. “Right here,” I reminded her. 

Tanya gave my hand a squeeze. Turned around, and then crossed the floor and pushed the door to Matthew’s hospital room open. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mary shift as though she was tempted   
to march in there and be present while Tanya saw Matthew. 

She didn’t, though. Tanya went in there by herself. I saw her disappear through the door. Close it behind her. I heard the soft clacking from her high heels as she walked around, and then a soft: “hey”. She sounded nervous. On edge. I wished I could see what was going on in there.

Mary shifted again. “I do hope my brother’s health doesn’t weaken because of this, Elizabeth. He is fragile right now. He doesn’t need to be exposed to stress factors.”

“Matthew specifically requested to see Rose!” Elizabeth snapped, startling both Mary and I. “Was I supposed to tell him that he couldn’t? Or deny her access to his room? She is his daughter, Mary. That is not going to change.”

Mary huffed and folded her arms across her chest, clearly dissatisfied with her sister-in-law’s retort. But I was not. I was grasping for straws. I could sense that there was a flicker of light in the darkness. 

Maybe, just maybe, Elizabeth had actually listened to what I said to her the other day. That if she continued as before, she was going to loose her daughter for good. Maybe reality was finally catching up with her. 

But was reality catching up with Matthew as well? I looked at the door Tanya had disappeared through. What was going on in there? I could hear some quiet mumbling, but it was impossible to hear what she was saying. And Matthew couldn’t say anything at all. His speech was impaired after his stroke. 

I strained my ears, but I could only hear inaudible muttering and nothing else. I sincerely doubted that Tanya would yell in a hospital, so technically, the muttering could be an argument. Matthew could just have spelled out something completely outrageous to Tanya. I wished that she would have let me come with her, but at the same time I understood why she needed do to this on her own. 

The door opened, and in came Tina and Stephen and Grace and Tom. Tina had hectic, red spots on her cheeks. Stephen looked tired and resigned. He and Tina had clearly been fighting. Tom seemed to share his sister’s annoyance, and Grace looked like she thought all adults were idiots. 

Well, except for one adult, that was. “Where’s aunt T?” she asked as she looked around in the waiting room. “Did she leave?” 

“No, she went in to see Matthew,” I replied before anybody else could.

“Oh, okay,” Grace said with a nod. “He’s been asking a lot for her.”

“He has, has he?” I said softly and smiled at Tanya’s niece. 

“Mhmm. He’s been really sad.”

“Grace,” Tina said sharply. 

“What? He HAS,” Grace said with a shrug. “I heard you guys talk about it before he got to the hospital. That he hasn’t been himself, and that you guys were worried about him.” She looked at all the adults in the room and said sternly: “you should have called aunt T then. Maybe if you had, grandpa wouldn’t have gotten so sad and ended up in the hospital.”

“Grace!” Tina hissed. 

“Your aunt could have come home anytime she wanted to, my dear,” Mary said with false sweetness in her voice. She sounded exactly like a cliché ‘condescending-adult-talking-to-a-child’ would sound. 

“No, she couldn’t. You weren’t being nice to her,” Grace said simply and looked like a little grownup when she too folded her arms across her chest. “None of you. Not even Grandpa Matthew. Maybe God is testing him right now.”

“Grace Rebecca-!”

“God wants us to be nice to everyone,” Grace interrupted, wide-eyed and so sure of herself. “God loves everyone. Dad told me so.”

“That’s right, sweetie,” Stephen confirmed. “God does love everyone.”

“Then why are y’all not nice to aunt T?” Grace asked. “She has done nothing wrong.”

A simple question no one could answer. Silence fell over the group. Mary looked like she had something foul in her mouth. Tina looked embarrassed. About her daughter’s outburst and not because she totally just called everyone out on their mistake. Tom looked shocked. But Stephen was smiling at Grace. He was proud of her. 

Elizabeth’s expression was a bit harder to decipher. She looked thoughtful. Her gaze was fixed at the door to her husband’s hospital room. The room Tanya was inside right now. God, I wished I had x-ray vision so I could see what was going on in there. What were they talking about? Or rather, what was Matthew spelling out for her on his little letter chart? I swear to god, if it wasn’t something good, tables would be flipped. By me. Personally. I would loose my shit. I would be the one to yell in a hospital then. 

“Mara?” Grace asked. 

“Yup?”

“Is aunt T’s Golden Globe heavy?” 

I chuckled. “Oh. Yeah, it is. The first time I held it, she sort of just tossed it to me, and my hand just went like this...” I made a movement with my hand, indicating how it lost strength fast. 

Grace giggled. “Wow. Is it really made of gold?”

“No, it’s actually not,” I told her and made it look like I was telling her a big secret. “It’s actually made of zinc metal.”

“Really?” she giggled again. “So it’s all fake?”

“Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“But aunt T’s happy about it, yeah?”

“Oh, yes. She is. Absolutely,” I nodded. 

“Then that’s the only thing that matters,” Grace said simply.

“You’re right,” I agreed with her. “That’s the most important thing.”

Tina gave me a poignant look, and I shrugged once in response. To say ‘yes, I’m interacting with your daughter, what are you gonna do about it?’. Grace was a sweet kid. A very sweet kid. She adored her aunt. And that made her the most sensible member of the Fleming Clan in my eyes. I flashed her a smile, and she beamed back at me. A ten year old was smarter than all the adults surrounding her. Food for thought, definitely. Why couldn’t the rest of the family be like her? She was quite the smart girl. 

Next to me, Elizabeth quietly cleared her throat. For a moment, I thought that she was going to say something, but she didn’t. Whatever it was, seemed to be stuck in her throat. 

But Grace had no problem with talking. She curiously asked me about my job as a reporter, and I answered as best as I could. Discovered that Grace liked writing too. She showed genuine interest in being a reporter, and I had an inkling that maybe this was something she wanted to do when she was older. I hoped her parents would support her in that. Stephen would. But Tina... well, she didn’t strike me as a type who supported anyone in anything, to be honest. I wondered what had made her so bitter. She was jealous of Tanya, that much was obvious, but it was more than that. She had this aura of bitterness surrounding her. Maybe it came from growing up with Mary. She looked to be the epitome of a strict mother. I could imagine that perfection was everything in Mary’s household. I could almost have felt sorry for Tina and Tom if they hadn’t been so awful. 

“Have you seen aunt T’s horse?” Grace asked, interrupting my musings. 

“I have,” I smiled. “She’s beautiful. You have a horse too, right?”

“Yeah, an American Quarter Horse,” Grace said proudly and grinned. “Sully.”

“Cool name. How old were you when you started riding?”

“Five years old. I trained on Buster. He was our old Shetland pony. Sully is my first real horse.”

“Wow, that’s so cool!”

“Do you like horses?” she asked, tilting her head and clearly asking me a very important question. 

“I do,” I smiled. “Well, actually, I was a bit afraid of them, but after having met Goldie...” 

“She’s very gentle,” Stephen chirped in. “Grace has ridden her once, isn’t that right, honey?”

“Dad, I was a baby!” Grace protested and laughed. “It doesn’t count!” she turned to me. “Aunt T put me up on her horse when I was just one year old. Dad took a picture of it.”

I chuckled. “I’d like to see that picture. I bet you looked cute.”

“Aunt T probably has it. She has a lot of pictures,” Grace told me. “You should ask her about it.”

“Thanks for the tip. I’ll definitely do that.” We smiled at one another, and that’s when I knew that Grace and I could be good friends if we were ‘allowed’ to. If Scary Poppins and Tina didn’t prevent it from happening. I didn’t want them to. I wanted to be friends with Grace. She was a huge part of Tanya’s life, and therefore a part of mine. I smiled at her again and was immediately rewarded with one in return. Yes, we could be good friends, she and I. And as long Stephen had anything to say about it, Grace wouldn’t disappear out of Tanya’s life again. Stephen had argued with Tina, that was obvious. He was on ‘our’ side. Which was nice, but there shouldn’t even have been an ‘our’ side. This was Tanya’s family. It shouldn’t be us versus them. It wasn’t right. And Stephen had realized that. Grace too. And maybe even Elizabeth. There had been moments where I was sure she seemed more reasonable. As Tanya said, it was up to her now. Either she could accept us, or she would loose Tanya for good. And again, I couldn’t imagine a worse fate than that. Tanya would leave a big, gaping hole in her family. One that never could be filled with anything else. 

The door to Matthew’s hospital room opened and Tanya stepped out. She seemed calm enough, but I immediately noticed that her eyes were glassy and a tad red. There were wet spots on her cheeks. I felt a rush of anger rise in my chest. She had been crying. What had he said to her?! 

Mary stepped forward, clearly intending to go see Matthew, but Tanya elegantly placed herself between her aunt and the door. “He would like to get some rest now. He asked me to tell all of you to go home so he could sleep.”

“I want to see my brother!” Mary snapped. 

“And I’m telling you that you can’t,” Tanya said calmly without moving an inch. “At least not right now. Matthew’s tired.”

“Only because he was adamant about staying awake until you got here!” Mary hissed. 

“Yes. That’s interesting, isn’t it?” Tanya said, voice dry but fragile. “Must have been pretty important, huh?”

Mary’s lips became a thin line. 

“If he’s tired, we should let him rest,” Elizabeth interjected. “We must bear in mind that he’s very weak right now, Mary. Perhaps it is better to let him sleep for the day and then come back tomorrow instead.” She turned to Tanya. “Is he asleep right now?”

“Yes. He is.”

“And what...” Elizabeth took a breath and tried again: “what did he want?”

Tanya gave Elizabeth a certain look. “I suggest you ask him yourself, Elizabeth. If I told you, I’d probably get accused of lying or some bull-“ she quickly glanced at Grace. “-shark.”

“Rose-“

“Ask. Him. Yourself. Right now, Mara and I would like to get going.” 

I nodded. I was dying to ask her what Matthew wanted, but I was smart enough to figure out that I shouldn’t be asking her right now. 

“Are you going back to the hotel?” Elizabeth asked. 

“No, actually, we’re going back to the farm. We’re setting up a tent on the field behind the orchard.”

Elizabeth looked surprised. “Like... Like you did when you were younger.”

“Yeah, those were the days,” Tanya said with a slight nod. “I figured I’d introduce Mara to the art of sleeping under the open sky and cooking in front of a bonfire. We’ll be borrowing Panther for Mara. I assume that won’t be a problem.”

Elizabeth’s gaze flicked to me. “Do you ride, miss Swanson?” 

“I actually don’t. But Tanya’s promised me that Panther is very gentle, so...”

“He is,” Elizabeth nodded. “Of course all horses can get spooked, but Rose is very good at making them calm. She’s always been.... very good with horses.”

Tanya’s eyebrow rose in surprise. “Yes, well, when you grow up in a farm, it’s pretty impossible to avoid.” She took my hand. “Come on, Mara. Let’s get going. We have a bit of a drive ahead of us.”

“If you’re gonna stay near the farm, can I come over so we can ride together, aunt T?” Grace piped up. 

“Yes,” Stephen said at the same as Tina opened her mouth to speak. “If it’s alright with your aunt and Mara, you definitely can.”

“She has her schoolwork!” Tina snapped. 

“Which I’ll be helping her with when she gets back. Her horse needs exercise. And maybe Grace could need a break. It’s been a couple of scary days with lots of back and forward to the hospital,” Stephen said without skipping a beat. 

“Can we ride together, aunt T?” Grace asked sweetly. 

“Yeah. Of course we can, kiddo,” Tanya smiled and ruffled her hair. 

“Awesome!”

I grinned. Tanya had just made one little girl extremely happy. Grace gave her a big hug and offered me a sweet smile and a ‘bye, Mara! See ya!’ 

“Yeah, I’m sure we will, Grace,” I said. I couldn’t be certain, but I had the strongest feeling that I would be seeing Grace again. 

“Mary, Tina. Tom,” Tanya acknowledged dully but smiled at Stephen. “See you around, Stephen.”

“Indeed,” he said, returning the smile.

I too offered my goodbyes to the rest of the family. Mary, Tina and Tom barely acknowledged me, but Stephen smiled, said ‘goodbye, Mara’, and Elizabeth actually acknowledged me with a: “well... goodbye then, miss Swanson.” Then she looked at her daughter. “Will I see you again before you go back to Los Angeles?” 

“I’ll be staying at the field behind the orchard, Elizabeth,” Tanya said, voice soft. “You have every opportunity to saddle one of the horses and come and see us.”

Elizabeth nodded, a tiny movement in her chin. Then she said: “and if the weather gets bad... the guest room is...” she seemingly couldn’t finish the sentence. 

“We appreciate that,” Tanya said a tad stiffly. This was clearly new territory for both of them. She gave my hand a little tug. “Come on, Mara. It’s a long drive, and we have to hit the grocery store on the way.” 

“Right, let’s get going,” I nodded. As she gently steered me towards the door, I kept looking at Elizabeth, silently trying to tell her to make the right choice. Choose Tanya. Choose the daughter you once pushed away. It wasn’t too late yet. There was still time to make the right choice. I damn well hoped she would!

As soon as we were back in the car, Tanya carefully wiped her eyes with a tissue she found in her purse. “God damnit,” she cursed. “Now I look all... pink and blotchy. Fuck.”

“What did he say?!” I asked earnestly and reached out so I could take her free hand. 

“Nothing,” Tanya shrugged. “He can’t talk yet, remember?” 

I took deep breath. She was sassing as a defensive mechanism because she was rattled. “You know that’s not what I meant,” I said gently and squeezed her hand. 

“Yeah. I know.” 

I released her hand and gently brushed my fingertips over her pale cheek instead. “Tanya, look at me,” I softly pleaded. 

She turned in the car seat, so we were more face to face. She didn’t smile. Didn’t sass. Didn’t look like sassy, confident Tanya Goldstein. Instead I saw Tammie-Rose. The teenager who so desperately   
wanted her parents to accept her and had been shunned instead.

“What did he want?” I asked gently. “Did he upset you?”

Tanya shrugged. “Let’s just say, I’ve never quite had a conversation like that with him. Mainly because he couldn’t talk yet and had to use a letter chart to communicate.”

“And what did he.... spell out for you?”

For a moment it looked like she was going for the easy way out and choosing to be amused over the complicated sentence, but then she sobered up, bit her lip. Swallowed audibly. She had trouble with getting the words out. 

I didn’t push her. Of course I wanted to know exactly what had went down with Matthew, but she needed a moment to collect herself. I understood that. This wasn’t easy. I remained quiet and settled for tracing her defined cheekbone like she had done with me earlier. It had been extremely soothing when she had done it to me, and I hoped the effect was the same. I had a feeling it was. She was definitely leaning into the touch. Her eyes closed. I smiled. I was happy to offer her some comfort and relaxation. She had been under tremendous pressure ever since arriving in Montana. She deserved this moment. For all I cared, we could sit in this car for hours and hours. 

“I love you,” I told her. 

Tanya’s lips curled up in a little smile, but she didn’t say anything. She blinked, and I could see tears on her cheeks once again. Was it because of what I had just said? What Matthew had said? Or perhaps a combination of both. Either way, it broke my heart to see her cry. That had to be the worst thing ever. Seeing her cry, made ME want to cry. But I couldn’t do that. Nor could I brush her tears away. Because if I brushed her tears away, she would become self-conscious and be upset with herself. Tanya hated to cry. She saw that as a sign of weakness. Imagine that. Imagine having to be strong for so long you ended up despising crying. Or showing emotions. I lightly traced her cheekbone with my finger once more and ended up swiping a few tears away in the process. It hadn’t been intentional, but I was glad it had happened. I wanted to comfort her. One way or the other. Without having to comment on her tears. This was the best way to do that. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be strong all the time. That she could lean on me from time to time. That it was okay to cry. But if I told her that right now, she would probably cry even more. And get embarrassed about it afterwards. And that was the last thing I wanted to happen. This was okay. This was more than enough. It was what she needed right now. Quiet comfort.

“F-o-r-g-i-v-e m-e,” Tanya said quietly. 

“What?” 

“That’s what he spelled out for me.” her voice was raspy now. “F-forgive me.”

“Oh my god,” I said equally quiet. I had hoped for this, but I hadn’t quite dared believing it. “Really?” 

“Yeah.” Tanya moved her face away from my hand and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I... don’t know how to feel about it.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to know.”

“Don’t I? Shouldn’t I be jumping at the opportunity to reconcile with him?” she asked plainly and stared out of the window. 

“It’s not that simple, Tanya. You can’t just expect yourself to forgive him so quickly for the past fourteen years. And neither can he.”

She sighed. “I thought that was what I wanted. Him realizing that he was wrong. Accepting me. But now I don’t know... It doesn’t feel as good as it should. I’m conflicted.” Sighting again, she ran a finger   
through her blonde locks. “You probably think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“I don’t. I understand why you feel conflicted. It’s great that Matthew wants to patch things up, but at the same time, he can’t just sweep the past fourteen years under the rug and pretend they never happened. That’s not how it works.”

“It isn’t,” Tanya agreed. “He was crying. I’ve never seen Matthew cry before. He’s always been so.... tough.”

“Like someone else I know,” I said gently. 

She laughed a little at that. “He also spelled out something else for me. After the ‘forgive me’ part. And right before falling back asleep.”

“And what was that?” I inquired, wondering what else Matthew Fleming had to tell his daughter. 

“D-r-a-w-e-r i-n c-u-p-b-o-a-r-d i-n o-f-f-i-c-e b-a-c-k h-o-m-e.”

“Huh? I understood zero of that.”

Tanya chuckled slightly. “’Drawer in cupboard in office back home’.” 

I frowned. “O...kay. Any idea what that means?”

“Not exactly, but you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that there’s something he wants me to see in the cupboard drawer in his office back at the farm. Want to find out what it is, miss Swanson?”

“Yes, definitely!” I said. “Let’s do it, Goldstein.”

Tanya smiled, leaned in and pecked my lips. Then she turned to be more centered in front of the wheel. She started the engine. “Back to the farm it is, then. Let’s find out what Matthew’s cryptic message means.”

“Yeah,” I said and felt how about a billion questions popped up in my head. What was in the cupboard drawer in his office? What was it that he wanted to show Tanya? I could barely wait to find out....

To Be Continued....


	32. A Kind Of Everything

We made one stop on the way. To buy groceries. Tanya went inside the grocery store. She claimed that she would hurry, but she actually managed to be gone for almost twenty minutes. Because she had been recognized by several people in the grocery store. When she came back and climbed inside the car, she admitted that she hadn’t actually thought about that. I had chuckled a little and jokingly asked how many selfies she had to do in there. Her answer had been dead seriously. Thirteen. Thirteen selfies with people. 

But apart from that, we didn’t stop on the way. We drove straight back to Red Lodge, and soon Moonlight Farm came into view once more. Exactly as beautiful as the last time with the mountains surrounding it and the orchard and open fields and little lake I could see in the very near distance. That was where Tanya and I were gonna ‘camp out’. Right there. I couldn’t think of a more perfect place to set up a tent, but I was a bit nervous at the whole riding prospect. I had never sat on a horse before. Not even as a child. Riding just hadn’t been a thing for me. But it had been for Tanya. From what I knew, she was a brilliant rider, and honestly, that intimidated me. Which was almost a bit funny, because it had been a very long time since I last had been intimidated by Tanya. But I was terrified that I would make a complete ass of myself. That I would get thrown off the horse and land on my ass. Or, when I attempted to climb up the horse, I would accidentally fall all the way down instead. Tanya would probably find that highly amusing. She’d be all concerned at first, but then she would laugh at me. Oh god, what if I actually fell off the horse? Like, actually fell off? I would never be able to live that down. I was certain Tanya would remind me of it every so often. Whilst laughing of course. 

I shook my head and tried to banish the thought from my head. Maybe I wouldn’t fall off the horse. Panther, was it? He was supposed to be really gentle. Tanya had told me so herself. She would never let me ride a wild horse. 

I unbuckled my seatbelt without taking my eyes off the stunning view. Moonlight Farm was truly a beautiful place. I reminded myself to snap some pictures to show Angie. She would be so jealous. I chuckled to myself. I could already hear her comments in my head. 

Tanya unbuckled her seatbelt as well and opened the car door. Then she elegantly unfolded her long legs and got out of the car. I followed her. Grinned a little as she stretched her long arms above her head and made a little ‘mm’-sound. It had been a long drive to get here. I was kinda glad we were here now. We didn’t have to drive anymore today. 

“Home sweet home,” Tanya said dryly as we walked towards the farm. “Time to solve the mystery.”

“Yeah,” I said, jogging to keep up with her. “What do you suppose is in that drawer?”

“Honestly? I haven’t got the faintest,” Tanya openly admitted. “But it seemed very important to him that I saw what was in that drawer. Otherwise he wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of spelling it out. He had to try three times before he succeeded.”

“Wow, yeah, you’re right. Must have meant a lot to him,” I agreed with her. 

She started laughing. “Maybe it’s my adoption papers he wants to show me.”

“I doubt it,” I said, snickering along with her. 

“But you can’t know for sure,” Tanya insisted. 

“No, that’s true.” Really, I had no idea what could possibly be in that drawer. “Is this something he typically do?” I asked. 

“Who?”

“Matthew,” I clarified. “Being this cryptic, is it something he usually does?”

“God no,” Tanya nearly scoffed. “Matthew Fleming is many things, but cryptic is not one of them. If he had something to say, he’d just say it. No mercy. No hints. No, this is completely unlike him in every possible way. Which is why it’s so baffling.”

“Do you think Elizabeth knows?” I asked. 

“No. She would have said something otherwise. She’s always been very transparent,” Tanya said simply. 

“Right.” I nodded a bit to myself. This mystery was nearly driving me insane. What could possibly be inside that drawer? Something life changing? Something that would magically mend the bond between Tanya and Matthew? 

Doubtful. But still, I was allowed to hope, right?

“Keep up, short stuff,” Tanya said playfully as she grabbed my hand and tugged me along. “Or do I have to carry you?”

“No. Unless it’s to bed,” I grinned.

“Smooth,” she praised. 

“Thanks.” I wiggled my fingers, so we were holding hands a bit more properly. I noted that her hand felt a little damp. Was she nervous? It sure felt like it. I squeezed her hand. Just to remind her that I was there. 

“Twice is two days,” Tanya muttered as we reached the front door. “This is a personal record for me. I can’t remember the last time I was home so frequently.”

“I know,” I said softly. “Are you okay?”

“Mhmm.” Not convincing at all. 

We made it up to the front door, and after ten seconds of rummaging under the ‘welcome’-mat, Tanya found the key and unceremoniously unlocked the door. We stepped into the hallway, and Tanya ran her fingers through her hair as she looked around. “Right. Let’s do this thing,” she said lightly. Too lightly. She was definitely not one bit relaxed. I knew my girlfriend, and I could hear the emotions bubble just beneath the surface. 

“You know, you forgot to show me Matthew’s office when you showed me around,” I said in an attempt to pull her out of whatever funk she was in. 

“I know. That’s because I was never allowed in there as a kid. Force of habit,” Tanya said as she dragged me through the hallway. “So it’s actually a pretty big deal that he’s straight up SENDING me to his office now. I’ve only ever been there if I was in trouble. But maybe that’s the case now?” she chuckled. 

“You’re twenty eight. Little late to be in trouble with your folks,” I pointed out. 

Her laughter became a bit more wry at that. “Oh, darling. I’ve been in trouble with my ‘folks’ all my life. The chat I had with Matthew earlier was the best one I’ve had in years. And he wasn’t even saying anything.”

“Yeah,” I said simply. Didn’t really know what else to say. 

We walked up the stairs, and Tanya made an ‘urgh’-sound when one of the floorboards creaked. 

“What?” I asked a tad confused. 

“Oh, just flashbacks to my teen years,” she said over her shoulder. “You have no idea how many times that floorboard has busted me. Took me years to learn step over it.”

“Ah. And what happened after you were busted?” I asked. 

Tanya shrugged. “I was grounded by Matthew and Elizabeth. But I usually snuck out anyway. Through the window. I didn’t want to stay at home. And you know me. When there’s something I want, I tend to be... pretty unstoppable.”

“True that,” I said with a slight smile. Yes, Tanya was indeed unstoppable. 

“In hindsight, I was probably a bit of a brat though,” Tanya said thoughtfully. “Constantly disrespecting Matthew and Elizabeth like I did.”

“One could argue that they disrespected you first,” I pointed out. 

“Yeah. That’s true.”

We continued up the stairs. Tanya first, me behind her. I was still driving myself crazy wondering what could possibly be in that drawer. And I couldn’t stop observing my girlfriend as she went up the stairs. Her shoulders were all bunched up. She was stressed. Even if she never would admit it. What was she thinking right now? What was she imagining to be inside the drawer? Maybe she was picturing it to be something really bad. But I somehow doubted that was the case. From what Tanya had told me, Matthew hadn’t appeared to be on the ‘warpath’ so to speak. 

We made it upstairs, and Tanya purposefully strode down the hallway, towards Matthew’s office. Once again, I had to jog to keep up with her, but this time she didn’t joke around and call me ‘short stuff’. Now it was serious. She was serious. Shoulders all bunched and forehead wrinkled in concern. I did not like seeing her like that, and I was silently praying to whatever god out there that whatever was in that drawer, was something good and not bad. Tanya had had several ideas on the way here, and none of them were very nice. If one of the possibilities turned out to be true, I would drive straight back to the hospital and yell at Matthew Fleming until I was kicked out of the room. Tanya had been through the wringer these past few days. She did not need anymore shit. Not from Matthew or anyone else. 

“Welcome to Matthew’s office,” Tanya said a bit sardonically as she stopped in front of a sturdy door made of oak tree. Without much further ado, she pushed the door open and went inside. 

I looked around. This was exactly the kind of office you always see in the movies but doesn’t actually exists in real life. Except it did. It was right here. Wooden panels. Big, sturdy desk in dark wood. Heavy, red curtains for the windows. Wingchair in the corner. I could almost see Matthew Fleming sit in it and smoke a pipe or something like he was from the 1950’s. But Matthew Fleming probably didn’t smoke a pipe, though. I had a feeling smoking was a big no-no in this family. And I realized that that probably was the reason why Tanya had started doing it at age fifteen. To spite her parents in every possible way. I couldn’t blame her. Of course she had lashed out. I spotted a Stetson hat hanging on a peg. A pair of boots in the corner of the room. As though Matthew had just popped out for a second and had expected to come back at any minute. The stroke had literally come out of nowhere. He had been interrupted in the middle of his life. I continued my scan of the office. Shelf after shelf packed with books. There were at least five different copies of the bible. And many, many pictures of Jesus and the Virgin Mary. Which reminded me about...

“I didn’t know you knew Latin,” I said to Tanya. 

“I don’t,” she replied. “But as I said, there are certain things you never forget. And that prayer was one of them.” 

“Right.” I looked at her as she just stood in the office. She made no attempt at going over to the desk. She needed a minute. Which was fine. She could have as much time as she needed. I busied myself with looking at the little figurines and pictures on the shelves. Many of the photos were framed ones of what I imagined was ancestors. The little figurines were porcelain ones. Horses. But one made of wood caught my attention. Mostly because it stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the neat porcelain and probably expensive ones. I walked over to the shelf and took a closer look. Reached out to touch it. 

Tanya groaned. 

“You made this, didn’t you?” I asked as I carefully picked the little wooden horse up. 

“I was ten.” It sounded more like a defense than anything else. 

“It’s nice,” I said as I looked at the little horse figurines. Tanya had clearly paid attention to the details. 

“It’s horrible. I don’t understand why he’s keeping it. It’s ugly. And well....” she trailed off. 

“You know, I think there might be a pretty good reason why he kept that figurine,” I said softly. 

“Or maybe there isn’t. Maybe he just forgot about it’s existence all together.” Tanya sighed and looked around in the office. “It’s strange,” she said quietly, nodding towards the drawer. “The answer to Matthew’s little riddle is literally right there, but for whatever reason...”

“You can’t bring yourself to open the drawer, can you?” I guessed, abandoning the wooden horse figurine and walked over to her. I slipped my arms around her. 

“No,” she said. “It’s like... I want to know what it’s the drawer. But at the same time... I don’t. I guess I’m afraid it’s something really bad, you know?” 

“I get it,” I said and stood on my tippy toes so I could plant a light kiss on her jaw. She seemed to tense less at that. Her long arms wrapped around my waist. I answered by gently cupping her cheeks. Brushed my thumbs along her cheekbones in that way I knew she liked. She liked it today as well. She released a quiet little sigh. Not quite a ‘I’m-so-comfortable’-sigh, but almost. If I kept it up, it probably would turn into one of those sighs though.

“Can’t you do it for me?” Tanya asked quietly. 

“Huh?” I looked up at her. “Do what?”

“See what’s... in that drawer.”

“Me?” now I blinked in surprise. “You want me to do it?”

“Yes. I seem to be unable to do it.”

“Are you sure?” I had to ask. This was pretty huge. 

“Please,” Tanya said as she gently freed herself from me, turned her back and then walked over to the window. She didn’t even want to look at the drawer. She needed me to do this. And of course I wanted to do this for her. I would do anything for her. I could feel that to my core. Maybe it sounded super sappy, but that was how things were now. I would officially walk through fire for Tanya Goldstein. But she wasn’t asking that of me, though. She was asking me to open a drawer. Such a simple task. And at the same time, not at all. Tanya wasn’t the only one who was afraid of what was in that drawer. So was I. And right now, I was fearing that I would find a disgusting letter filled with insults or something like that. 

“Mara. Please. The tension is killing me,” Tanya said quietly. 

“Right. Of course.” I took a breath. “Okay.” I walked over to the desk in the corner, and in one swift movement, I opened the drawer. It was empty. Pretty anticlimactic. I opened the second one. Empty too. Now I was starting to get a little bit concerned. I doubted Matthew had sent us here to look at empty drawers. Maybe it had just been nonsense. I opened the third and last drawer in the desk. Or maybe not. There was something in the drawer. A very large and beautiful leather bound, brown photo album. I carefully lifted it out of the drawer and placed it on the desk. This was an expensive photo album. Real leather. My fingers were shaking a bit as I opened the album to look at the first page. I wasn’t quite sure what I had expected to find, but I could truthfully say that it hadn’t been this. The first page contained a newspaper article that clearly had been cut out. ‘Second season of ‘Love Me Not’ wrapped up!’ the headline said. Underneath it, there was a picture of Tanya on set in New York. Clearly taken on the last day of shooting. She was highfiv’ing first Alexander and then Mercy. The article was basically just a reporter trying to guess what would happen in the second season. The second season that had been on Netflix for months now. This.... This was an old article. I tried to wrap my head around that. That Matthew had been interested in knowing what Tanya was up to so many months ago. Hell, this was almost right after he had turned her away. I carefully touched the article. If this wasn’t regret, I didn’t know what was. 

And there was more regret. The second page in the album was full of pictures too. Pictures that had carefully been cut out of magazines. And I mean really carefully. There literally hadn’t been cut into the pictures at all. It was almost as though Matthew had used a marker when he cut the pictures out of the magazines. I recognized all of them. Tanya in the beautiful green dress she had been wearing at the Golden Globe Award show. Tanya on the red carpet, waving and smiling at the photographers. Tanya smiling at me as we got our pictures taken. Tanya hiding her face in her hands when her name was announced. There was even a picture of her kissing me. I remembered that moment. It had happened right after her name had been announced, and I had attacked her with kisses, and I told you so’s. 

Tanya on the podium, clutching the award and holding her thank you speech. I looked at her tear-stained face in shock. The idea of Matthew sitting by his desk and carefully cutting these pictures out of the magazines. Including several headlines. ‘Tanya Goldstein Triumphs!’ was one of them. ‘Goldstein Goes For Gold!’ was another. ‘Goldstein’s Golden Hour!’ there were even little quotes from the articles as well. ‘Tanya Goldstein’s raw and honest portrayal of troubled Celeste Bellamy earned her a Golden Globe last night.’ ‘Tanya Goldstein looked stunning in a green dream of a dress...’. ‘Miss Goldstein’s partner, 27 year old reporter, Mara Swanson made her public debut tonight when she appeared by her girlfriend’s side at the Golden Globe award show’. 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I had not expected this. I had not expected to find page after page about Tanya’s night at the Golden Globe award shows. There were so many pictures of her. God, it seemed like Matthew had bought every single magazine he could possibly get his hands on. Maybe... Maybe he had. 

I flipped a few pages forward. Another newspaper article. Another headline. ‘Love Me Not renewed for its third season!’. The article that followed featured a picture of a smiling Tanya and the official announcement about Love Me Not being renewed. Ideas about what possibly could happen in the next season and so on. I turned another page in the album and was not disappointed at what I found. The selfie Tanya and I had taken in Colorado. Matthew must have found that on her Instagram page. Found it, printed it and glued it onto the page in the album. Tanya was smiling widely as she stood there in fur collar coat she had been donning while we were in Colorado. But what puzzled me the most was the fact that I was in the picture too. Matthew hadn’t cut me out.

Next page in the album. A huge cut out of Tanya in the perfume commercial she shot a few months ago. Her surrounded by flowers and smiling dazzlingly at the camera. Next page. An article speculating. ‘Tanya Goldstein to star in medical series?’. I didn’t even know how the reporter had managed to sniff that up, and I was pretty impressed. But not as impressed as I was surprised when I turned the page and was confronted with new pictures. These were of Tanya at the Comic-Con. Her speaking in the panel. Her selfies with the fans. Doing the typical Celeste Bellamy pose with one hand on her hip. Her grinning with an arm around the Celeste Bellamy lookalike we had met at the convention. Several pictures of her and me together. Tanya had her arms around me, both of us looking ever so in love. 

I was stunned. This was... well, everything. A complete scrapbook of everything Tanya had been up to in the past six months. Everything Matthew had missed out on. Every picture, every newspaper article had been handled with such care. Not a scratch on it. No marks after the scissors. This must have taken Matthew a very long time. But there weren’t just newspaper articles and pictures. When I flipped a page or so forward, I found letters. They were falling out of the photo album. Well, not real letters. Meaning that none of them had been finished. They were half-written. Barely that. Matthew had clearly struggled to find the right words. The first letter only held very few letters and was a bit formal. ‘Dear Tanya, I want you to know...’. Nothing else. The second letter read: ‘Tammie-Rose, congratulations on the Golden Globe.’. And that was the end. Stopped abruptly, exactly like the first one. The third letter was a bit different. It simply read: ‘Rose, please-‘. Please what, I quietly wondered. What were the words that Matthew hadn’t been able to get out? 

The handwriting was a bit more clumsy in the fourth letter. ‘Dear Rose, I realize...’ 

A massive lump had already begun to form in my throat when I read the first letter, and seeing the fifth letter Matthew had written damn nearly made me emotional. So far, this was the longest letter. And the most personal one. ‘Dearest Rose. There are so many things I want to say to you. One of them being how much I miss you. How much I’ve prayed for time to be turned back so I could prevent myself from saying what I said to you. I know I’ve been hard on you, even back when you were a tiny thing who could sit on my shoulders. Your mother and I have always done our best to raise you like the Lord wanted us to, but over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that not everything is black and white. There are certain things we cannot chose by ourselves. Whom we love. There have been moments where I’ve despaired and wished differently for you. Prayed to the Lord that you would change your mind, but instead I was reminded of something. That we are all a part of God’s picture no matter what, and that I’ve gone directly against the Lord’s wishes by excluding you from the family. I was wrong, I see that now. I pray that it isn’t too late for me to reach out to you. I’m an old man, Rose, and I haven’t been doing so well lately. My health is failing me, and should this be the last opportunity I’ve been granted, I hope that I will get to see you again one last time. Please come home, Rose. Come home so your old man can tell you how sorry he is. Give me a chance to make things right with you. Forgive me, Rosie. That is the only thing I’ve been praying for over the past months. Your forgiveness. In the end, that is all that matters to me. I am sorry I have been weak and afraid. I met you with anger and hatred when I should have met you with love and kindness. That is what the Lord wants. For us to embrace everyone. Not to exclude family members. You are my only child, and I want to tell you that I am proud of you. That I am ghfhgccb-‘

I blinked. The sentence ended in utter gibberish. Why was that? None of the other letters had ended like that. They hadn’t ended at all. This one was the longest. Matthew had clearly intended to finish it.   
He had even written a date on the letter in the corner of it. Oh god. I suddenly realized something. The date written in the letter matched the date where he had suffered the stroke. Was it possible that Matthew had suffered the stroke WHILE writing this letter to his daughter? That would certainly explain the gibberish ending of the sentence. Had he been sitting right here in this chair, carefully writing a letter to his daughter with the intension of finally sending it to her, but then falling ill before he could? Had he passed out by this desk? Another lump formed in my throat. For once, I was at loss for words. Completely and utterly. Matthew had begged Tanya to forgive him. He had written that he was proud of her. Fuck, I didn’t know how to fucking react!

“Well? How bad is it?” Tanya asked plainly and a tad gruffly. 

“I...” my voice broke. “I think you better see for yourself.”

“That bad, huh?” she said. Tried to sound casual. 

I closed the album and turned around to face her. She had gone pale. And she looked concerned upon examining my face and seeing how affected I was. 

“S-see for yourself,” I repeated, struggling to keep the façade going. 

“Okay,” she said and sounded very concerned. She came over to the desk, over to the album, and now it was my turn to turn my back and face the window. I took several deep breaths in order to calm myself, but the calming effect went straight out of the window when I heard the first page in the album being flipped, and Tanya’s following gasp and ‘what the...?’. I didn’t answer her. She would realize exactly what this album was soon enough. I heard another page being flipped. Another gasp. A louder one. But no words this time. I didn’t turn around. This was Tanya’s moment. Her turn to realize exactly what Matthew had been doing. Or trying to do. 

I kept my gaze focused on the beautiful view while I heard page after page being flipped. Tanya’s breathing had changed to something more rapid. She too was getting emotional. I could more than understand why that was the case. This was a lot to take in. A lot to wrap her head around. How Matthew had gone from basically disowning her to suddenly seeing the light and realizing that she was the only thing that mattered. I wondered if Elizabeth had seen this letter. Maybe. Someone had clearly tidied up in here after Matthew was transported to the hospital. But maybe Elizabeth had been too busy to realize what this album was. Maybe she had just slammed it shut and stuffed it back in the drawer or something. Or maybe it was Scary Poppins. Maybe she had in fact seen this letter but neglected to tell Tanya of its existence. Maybe Elizabeth did not know about this letter at all. My bets were on Scary Poppins. She rather struck me as the type who could have neglected to tell Tanya about this letter. 

But maybe it didn’t matter if someone had or hadn’t tried to hide this letter from Tanya. Maybe the only thing that mattered was the fact that this letter existed, and that Matthew had pointed Tanya in the direction of it. Maybe that was the most important thing. Maybe that was kind of everything. But would it be enough? Could a heartfelt letter make up for the past fourteen years? I wasn’t sure. It was up to Tanya now. She was the one to decide where to go from here. And no matter what she chose, I would support her. Completely. I certainly didn’t expect her to make up with Matthew and Elizabeth right then and there. But this letter was definitely an olive branch. A step in the right direction. 

A slightly wet sound behind me brought me out of my musings, and I quickly turned around. 

Tanya was still standing by the desk. But now she was facing me. Her shoulders were shaking slightly, and she had a hand cupped over her mouth. I could see tears streaming down her face, and I immediately rushed over to her and wrapped my arms around her. She smelled of vanilla and my shampoo. She was shaking from top to toe, and for once I felt like I was taller than her. For the first time, she felt oddly small in my arms. It didn’t take long before I felt her arms around me. She was clinging onto me like I was her anchor. She was more or less sobbing uncontrollably. Letting go like I had never seen her let go before. Every past suspicion I’d had was now confirmed. Tanya had been a ‘daddy’s girl’. And now her dad had told her that he was proud of her. If that wasn’t worth breaking down over, I didn’t know what was. In one way or another, we were all striving to get our parents approval, and I had a feeling that Tanya had been trying a bit harder than the rest of us. She had never said so, but I could feel it. Could feel it now as she cried in my arms without preamble. 

I gently scratched up and down her back. I had learned a few months ago that she really liked that. It always made her mewl in appreciation, but today the gesture only brought on more sobs from her. 

That was okay. She was allowed to feel whatever she needed to feel. No more walls. No more façade. Just us. Her and me. This was the rawest version of Tanya I had ever seen, and I felt deeply honored that she was here.

I had a feeling that I wasn’t hugging Tanya right now. I was hugging someone who was younger. Rosie. The girl Tanya used to be before she was met with harsh words and disapproval by her parents. The girl who only wanted her father’s approval and support. And now... now she had it. But was it too late? Had the past fourteen years created too much of a cleft between her and Matthew? Only time would tell. I was honored to ‘meet’ Rosie too. Seeing the person Tanya had been before she turned herself into Tanya Goldstein was so very special. Rosie was so very special. Special and beautiful and precious, and I wanted to take care of her. Always. And most of all, I wanted her to know that Rosie didn’t scare me. She was a part of Tanya. A huge part. And she shouldn’t be hidden away. Rosie was not embarrassing at all. At some point, I would have to tell Tanya that. But not right now. Now was not the time for that.

I kept scratching up and down her back. Murmured in her ear. I think I said I loved her. And that it was okay. All the clichés, but right now the time was exactly right for clichés. They made Tanya feel less stiff in my arms. Made her sobs die down to something that most of all sounded like hiccups. I stroked her hair now. Softly. Gently. Completely without rushing her to speak. Maybe she didn’t need to say anything right now, and that was completely fine. This was her moment, and she was allowed to stay in it for as long as she needed. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Except for maybe grabbing her some tissues, but that could wait. She wasn’t quite on the tissue-state yet. I wrapped my arms around her once more. Pulled her in for a bone-crushing hug that normally would have made her scoff and complain about being choked. Today she didn’t. Today she appreciated it. Made a little hiccup sound against the back of my neck. Her fingers were in my hair. Combing through it. That was something she did when she felt particularly stressed out over something. She had told me that only a month ago. 

I happily let her do it. Whatever she needed in order to wrap her head around this. God, imagine if she had done this on her own? I instantly balked at the unwelcome thought in my head. I was so glad I was here with her. That I had insisted upon going with her to Montana. Everything else would have been too fucking unbearable. I gave her a little squeezed. Not a hard one, but she still staggered slightly. 

But that was okay. If she fell, she would fall directly into me, and I would always be there to catch her no matter what.

Then she lifted her head. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her cheeks tear stained. But she looked relatively calm.

“That was a lot,” I said gently. 

“Yeah,” she said gruffly. “Sorry for weeping all over you.”

“I don’t mind. Feel free to weep all over me whenever you need to.”

The laughter she let out sounded like another sob. “That sounds absolutely horrible.”

“No, it doesn’t. It sounds like something a girlfriend would and should say. At least a good one.”

“And we all know that you are a good girlfriend,” she muttered without an ounce of sarcasm in her voice. 

“How do you feel?” I asked. Another cliché, but of course I had to know.

“I... I don’t know,” she admitted. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, but....”

“You’re not sure how to feel about it,” I softly finished the sentence. 

“Exactly.” 

“That’s okay,” I told her and kissed her jaw. “You don’t have to know right now.”

Tanya sighed and straightened her posture slightly. “I don’t know if this is enough,” she whispered. 

“You don’t have to decide anything right now. I’m not expecting you to run back to the hospital and hug it out with Matthew.” 

“He’s not a hugger,” Tanya said gruffly. “Nor am I.”

I chuckled softly and gave her a little squeeze. “Could have fooled me, Goldstein. Could have fooled me.”

She let out a tiny little laugh. “Maybe... it isn’t too late for me and him.”

“No, maybe it isn’t,” I said gently.

“Maybe it’s still possible for him and me to work something out,” Tanya continued and ran her fingers through her hair. “That gotta be enough for right now.”

“It is,” I assured her. “It’s more than enough right now.”

“It’s all I have to give right now,” Tanya said with a slight shrug. “A possibility for a reconciliation. In time. If he can live up to what he has written in that letter. If he really means it. We’ll have to wait and see.”

“Yeah,” I said lightly and gave her back a fond rub. I was very impressed. Tanya was very forgiving. Well, I knew she hadn’t forgiven Matthew, and I didn’t expect her to, but she hadn’t completely denied Matthew a second chance either. That was very impressive. More than he deserved, for sure.

“I think I might need to think about something else for a while. Otherwise it’ll be too much,” Tanya said and interrupted my train of thoughts. She grimaced slightly and palmed her forehead. “I can already feel my head creaking like crazy.”

“Oh. We can’t have that,” I said and flashed her a little smile. “How about we head out to the stables then? You can introduce me to Panther,” I tried to sound more confident than I actually was. The idea of sitting on a horse was still daunting for me. Very daunting. But I had decided that I wouldn’t make a complete ass out of myself. Meaning that I refused to fall off. Or let Tanya know that I was scared. 

Tanya chuckled again. “That is an excellent idea, Swanson. Let’s do it.” she gently freed herself from my embrace, but took my hand and tangled our fingers together. I wasn’t gonna push her to talk more about this. She needed time to think about this, and that was exactly what I was gonna give her. As much as she needed. In the meantime, I would work up some courage, so I didn’t look like a total wuss when I met Panther the Horse. He couldn’t be THAT intimidating, right?

I chose to believe that he wasn’t. To be perfectly honest, I would probably have felt the most comfortable if Panther had been a pony, but I doubted that was the case. But maybe he was just a small horse. One that wouldn’t give me anxiety when I climbed on top of him.

We left Matthew’s office and went into the hallway. Down the stairs. Tanya cursed quietly under her breath when we reached that creaky floorboard. 

“I’m not about to bust you for sneaking out,” I half-joked.

“I’d totally sneak out with you,” Tanya said without joking. 

“We can sneak out to the field,” I chuckled. 

“Sounds good. I can’t wait to see you on Panther.”

“Urgh.”

“You’ll do fine.”

“What if I’ll fall off?”

“You won’t,” Tanya said firmly. “I won’t let that happen.”

“No?”

“No. Don’t you worry, Swanson. I’ll take care of you,” she solemnly promised and flashed me the softest of smiles.

And that was something I had no trouble with believing. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze as we continued down the stairs....

To Be Continued....


	33. Playing The Role Of Herself

“You know what, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” I said as I took a step backwards. 

Tanya scoffed. “Are you seriously gonna back out now?”

“No-no, but...” 

Panther whinnied and drowned the end of the sentence. I instinctively took a step back. 

“He’s not gonna do anything,” Tanya said a bit impatiently. “I assure you, he’s the gentlest horse you’ll ever meet.”

I believed her. Of course I did. Tanya would never pair me up with a wild horse, but that didn’t stop me from being slightly intimidated. Panther was a big horse. An American Quarter Horse. A real western horse, Tanya had told me. Chestnut colored fur and slightly lighter mane. I had to admit that he had acted very gentlemanly so far. He hadn’t been stamping or anything. He didn’t seem wild in anyway, but nevertheless......

“Right then,” Tanya said, interrupting my train of thoughts as she came over to Panther with a rather sturdy looking saddle. 

“Is that a western saddle?” I asked. Now intimidated by THAT. 

“Yes, dear. It’s a western saddle. You’re in Montana right now,” Tanya said patiently. “Here, touch it.”

I reached out and touched the saddle. It was surprisingly soft and smooth. “Wow. It’s... It’s nice.” 

Tanya chuckled. “It’s a good saddle. Would you like to put it on him?”

Very appropriately, Panther whinnied loudly. I took a step backwards again. 

“Mara, I promise you, he is not dangerous,” Tanya said softly. “Come. Pet him.”

I did as she asked and reached out. Touched Panther’s muzzle. It was very soft. “Hello, boy,” I greeted. “Are you going to be nice to me when I ride you?”

Panther whinnied again. 

“He’s telling you yes,” Tanya chuckled. “He’s going to be very nice to you, trust me. Come on, help me put the saddle on him.” She handed me the enormous western saddle, and I nearly staggered a bit. 

“What do I do with it?” I asked a bit strained. 

“You. Put. It. On. Him.”

I rolled my eyes. “You can be so fucking helpful. You know that?” 

She ignored that. “You’re stalling.”

I totally was, but I didn’t appreciate to be called out on it. I rolled my eyes at her again. 

“Am I supposed to ride on my own?” Tanya asked almost sweetly. 

No, of course not. I approached Panther again. He made a sort of puffing sound, but didn’t move. I hauled the massive saddle up and then put it on him like Tanya had attempted to teach me for the past fifteen minutes. Panther still didn’t move. 

“Like I told you, he’s used to wear a saddle,” Tanya said patiently.

“Yeah, yeah, smartass,” I said a bit snippily. 

She chuckled. “Shall I help you with the bridle?”

“Please.” 

“Move it,” she said briskly.

I obediently stepped out of the way and wiggled my feet in the riding boots that felt far too tight, but Tanya had told me that they weren’t, and I chose to believe her. Even though I felt a bit ridiculous. I was wearing a helmet, for crying out loud! An actual helmet. I had a feeling that I looked like an egghead, but Tanya had brushed that aside and told me that I looked sexy. Safety was sexy, she had said. And I couldn’t really argue with that, could I? 

“There we go,” Tanya said in that infamous baby voice she always used when she was talking to Genevieve. Apparently, Panther was her baby too. And Goldie Hawn. I suffocated a chuckle and looked around in the stable we were currently standing in. Tanya had brought Panther in from the field. She hadn’t even put a rope on him or anything. He had simply followed her like a dog. 

“There we are,” Tanya said and interrupted my musings. “He’s all yours, miss Swanson.”

“Oh god,” I said before I could stop myself. I looked at Panther. He did indeed look ready. He was wearing the saddle and bridle and everything. The only thing missing was me. On top him. Fuck. 

“I’ll help you,” Tanya promised and for once didn’t sound like she was teasing at all. “You can do it.”

“If you laugh at me, I’m gonna kill you,” I vowed as I took another deep breath.

“I won’t. I promise. Come on.”

“This is gonna kill me,” I predicted as I tentatively put one foot in the stirrup. 

“You’re such a drama queen.”

“Said the actress,” I mumbled a tad strained as I grabbed onto the saddle to pull myself up. 

Tanya chuckled. “Do you need a push or a hand?” 

“Nope, I’ve got it!” except I really, really did not. Not even in the slightest. The more I struggled, the harder it seemed to become. 

Tanya clearly hadn’t the patience for it. I yelped and nearly tripped when she rather suddenly put her hands on my ass and gave me a push. Suddenly I was sitting atop Panther and fumbled to put my other foot in the other stirrup. 

Tanya helped me there too. She carefully guided my foot into the stirrup. “There,” she said briskly and flashed me a dazzling smile. “You look great on a horse, baby. I might have to buy you one at some point.”

“Oh god, don’t!” I protested. 

Panther whinnied softly and did a movement with his head that seemed jarring when you were on top of him. “Oh god! What do I do now?” I asked tightly. 

“You take the reins,” Tanya said, once again patient. She handed me the reins. “Here. Take them. Hold them between your index and second finger. Just let the ends dangle over his shoulder. I know it seems awkward, but he’s used to it.”

“Okay then.” I slipped the reins in between my fingers like she had taught me, and yeah, it did feel a little bit awkward. 

“Great. We’re all set then,” Tanya said as she walked over and grabbed another bridle and an extra rope. She attached that to Panther’s bridle, and I immediately felt a hell of a lot safer. She was going to keep Panther on a leash. 

“Come on,” Tanya said and gave the rope a little tug. 

Panther did not move. 

“Give him a little touch with your heels, Mara. Just a little one.”

“Like a tap?”

“Yes, exactly. Like a tap.”

I gave Panther the lightest of taps with my heels, and he immediately began moving. 

“There we go. Well done. Consider this to be your first riding lesson,” Tanya joked as she walked ahead of me with the rope in her hand. 

Panther obediently followed her. His movements felt awkward, and the stirrups too long, but Tanya had told me that they weren’t. That was how Western style worked. She guided us out of the stables and into the sunshine. I actually had to squint a little bit. 

“Feels okay?” Tanya asked over her shoulder. 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

“Your ass is going to be so sore by tomorrow,” she cackled gleefully. 

“And if you don’t shut up, I’m going to nag you ‘till you rub it,” I threatened. 

She cackled even louder. “Right. Like that’s a threat. I’m shaking in my boots, Swanson.”

I ignored the cheek and asked: “where’s your saddle?”

“I don’t use a saddle,” she said with a slight shrug. 

“You don’t?”

“Nope. I can’t even remember the last time I put a saddle on Goldie.”

“Right then.” no saddle. Show off. I chuckled to myself. I couldn’t wait to see Tanya on her horse. I could only imagine how good she would look on that beautiful, white horse of hers. 

Tanya let Panther and me away from the stables and towards the fields. I had to admit that Panther seemed very gentle, but....

“How is this gonna go when we reach Goldie?” I asked concerned. “You said that she doesn’t like other horses!”

“When it comes to sharing a field,” Tanya soothed. “She has nothing against walking next to another horse. Don’t worry.”

“But I DO worry,” I grumbled. 

Tanya chuckled. “Try not to. You look so good on Panther. You suit him.” 

“Thanks, I guess.” 

Tanya whistled quietly to herself as she lead Panther and I across the fields. Soon we reached Goldie, and the horse whinnied as she came towards us. 

“Hello, Goldie,” Tanya greeted with a smile. “There’s my beautiful girl!”

Panther whinnied too as Goldie gracefully approached him, and I immediately clutched the reins a bit tighter. 

“Relax,” Tanya scolded. “Nothing’s gonna eat you.” She laughed amusedly at her own joke. 

But I was not amused. “You are not as funny as you think, Goldstein.”

“No. I’m funnier,” she brushed me off and reached out to touch Goldie when she came close enough. “Hello, beautiful. Did you miss me?”

Goldie whinnied again. Clearly, the answer was yes. 

“Are you ready to go for a ride?” Tanya asked as she stroked Goldie’s soft muzzle. 

Goldie made a slight snorting sound in response, and I tried not to panic when Tanya let go of the rope attached to Panther’s bridle. I silently prayed that Panther wouldn’t run away with me. 

He didn’t, though. He kept standing exactly where Tanya had ‘left’ him. I sighed in relief.

“That’s my girl!” Tanya cooed as she as easy as one-two-three put the bridle on Goldie. 

Goldie made another little movement. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that she was impatient to get started.

“How are you gonna come up?” I asked. I wasn’t exactly in any position to help her. 

“Like this,” Tanya said as she elegantly stepped up on the nearest stump and used that to mount Goldie. “Easy-peasy.” 

“Yeah, I can see that.” I smiled as I looked at her. She looked amazing atop Goldie. Like, really amazing. “You ought to upload some pictures of you and Goldie.”

“You think?” Tanya said. “I’ve never thought of that. But maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s an idea. I’ll have to think about that.” She clicked her tongue once. “Come on, Panther. Come here, boy!”

“What are you doing?!” I asked through gritted teeth and clutched at the reins for dear life. 

“I’m urging him closer so I can grab the rope. Relax,” Tanya said. She sounded like a teacher, and I scowled a bit. 

Panther willingly trotted closer to Tanya and Goldie, and once he was close enough, Tanya grabbed onto the rope again. “There we go. Shall we get going?”

“Mhmm. But slowly, right?”

“Obviously,” she said lightly. 

And so the horses trotted side by side down the field. I was still grabbing the reins too tightly, and I probably looked like a sack of potatoes as I sat there atop the horse, but at least I had something that could distract me from it. The stunning view. And no, I was not thinking about the open fields surrounded by mountains. I was more busy looking at Tanya. She was a graceful rider, completely in tune with Goldie. She didn’t have to use both hands to hold the reins. She managed with one. And she was barely holding on, really. Her grip her was loose. Relaxed. She trusted Goldie. Tanya was in her right element even though we were hundreds of miles away from the dazzling lights of Hollywood. This was another home for her. Tanya belonged in many places, I had learned. A light breeze caught her hair and made it lift. I watched mesmerized and thought to myself that every time I thought Tanya couldn’t possibly get anymore beautiful, she proved me wrong. And she would continue to do so, I was sure of that. 

“You’re quiet,” Tanya commented with a chuckle. “Don’t tell me you’re still afraid of falling off the horse?”

Instinctively, I looked down at my hands. I had actually loosened my death grip on the reins just a little. “The movements are a bit... bumpy,” I admitted. 

She laughed, and her laughter sounded like bells out here in the open. “Yes, I can imagine so. You’ll get used to it.”

“You make it sound like I’m going to spend a long time on a horse.”

“That’s how we do things here in Montana, dear.”

“But I’m not from Montana.”

“Maybe not. But you certainly fit the landscape beautifully.”

I scoffed but was secretly rather pleased at the compliment. 

Tanya absentmindedly hummed to herself. Something that sounded a lot like ‘Meet Me In Montana’. I smiled to myself. She was happier to be home than she had told me. 

Soon we reached the field she had pointed out for me when we were up on the roof. I immediately understood why Tanya liked this place. It was beautiful. So beautiful. A flowery meadow and a lake surrounded by mountains. We were completely isolated here. No one could see us unless they climbed up on the roof, and I doubted any member of the Fleming-clan would do THAT. 

“There we are. You survived the ride,” Tanya quipped as she elegantly swung her leg over Goldie’s wide back and then just as elegantly let herself slide down on the ground. 

“I sure did.” I was less graceful as I wiggled my left foot out of the stirrup. My muscles complained when I swung my leg over, and I cringed a bit. Any more riding, and I would end up feeling sore all over. 

“Jump,” Tanya chuckled. “I’ll catch you.” 

“You better.” Without being much afraid, I let myself slide down Panther’s side. And I did in fact sort of land in Tanya’s arms. 

“I always honor my promises,” she said almost solemnly and took the opportunity to give my ass a squeeze. 

“Hey!”

Tanya scoffed. “We’re in the middle of nowhere, dear.” She turned her head and flashed me a smile that was positively sinister. “Out here, no one can hear you scream...”

I mock-shivered. “I knew you brought me here to kill me.”

“There are many ways to kill somebody, my darling,” she cackled and gave my ass another squeeze. “Anyway, welcome to my favorite field.”

“Thank you. It’s beautiful here.” I looked around and quickly spotted the fireplace Tanya had been talking about. I could almost see a teenage Tanya sit there in front of a bonfire with her faithful horse as  
her only companion. I smiled as I gave her hip a soft little caress. This time I was with her. And I would be the next time too. And the next time. 

“Now...” Tanya said as she swiftly removed the rope from Panther’s bridle. The horse immediately made a puffing sound and busied himself with nipping at the grass. “I’m thinking that I’ll ride back to the house and grab the things we need while you...” Tanya gave me a quick but firm kiss. “Stay here and look pretty.” 

I snorted unladylike. “God, you’re so annoying.”

“Mm. One of the many reasons you love me,” she brushed me off and elegantly climbed up on Goldie again. “I’ll be back in two tics. Enjoy the view while I’m gone.”

“Alrighty,” I said somewhat jokingly and took off my helmet. 

I used my hand to shield my face from the sun as I watched her ride back towards the farm. She was riding faster than she had been a second ago. Allowing Goldie to stretch her legs. I would never dare galloping like that, but I could see that Tanya was used to it. Born in the saddle, as she once had joked. Except she didn’t need a saddle. Or reins for that matter. I chuckled to myself as I watched her spread her arms wide. She was undoubtedly showing off and goofing around, but instead of scoffing and rolling my eyes, I felt a surge of love towards her. My fearless girlfriend whom I suspected was very, very happy in this very moment. A light breeze caught her blonde hair and made it lift slightly. 

I couldn’t just let this moment pass without doing something about it. Of course it would stay in my memories forever, but I wanted to make sure the memory didn’t fade for one reason or the other. So I fished my phone out of my pocket and took a snapshot of Tanya as she sat there on her horse with her arms fearlessly spread out and the wind in her blonde hair. I had seen many, many great pictures of Tanya, but this one was definitely my favorite. She looked stunning. And the best part was that this picture was for me and me alone. No magazine would ever come across it. That was what made this picture so special. This magazines wanted pictures of Tanya Goldstein, but the woman who was sitting on her horse and making a show of not holding the reins, was not Tanya. It was Tammie-Rose. I didn’t doubt that for a moment, and I felt another rush of euphoria. Tanya was letting me in and letting me see all of her. The girl she had been. The girl she maybe could be again. Perhaps there was still room for Tammie-Rose after all. I hoped so. Because I loved her. I loved every aspect of Tanya. The hard ones included. The ones Tanya didn’t want to talk about. Those might just be the most important ones. Those who needed to be loved the most. 

I stood still and kept watching until I couldn’t see her anymore. Then I turned around and smiled when I saw that Panther had come over to me again. He was whinnying softly and nudging me with his soft muzzle. 

“Hello, boy,” I softly greeted. “Think we can be friends?”

Panther made a sort of nickering sound in response. 

“Yeah? So you’re cool with having me on your back?”

He gave me another little nudge, and I stroked his soft muzzle. Maybe Panther and I could grow to like each other over time. If we showed each other mutual patience. I chuckled to myself because it sounded like someone else I knew. 

Tanya didn’t come back after ‘two tics’. She didn’t come back after five ‘tics’ either. Or ten. It actually took fifteen full minutes before I saw her coming riding back down across the fields. I immediately got annoyed at her for insisting that I stayed here and ‘looked pretty’. Tanya was carrying so much stuff, I was surprised she could even see where she was riding. In front of her, sort of lain across Goldie’s back were something that appeared to be tent poles and an actual tent. Tanya had what looked like a cooling bag strapped to her back, and in her only free hand, she had a large duffel bag. 

“Jesus Christ,” I said when she came close enough to hear me. “You could’ve-“

“I got it,” she brushed me off and elegantly let the tent poles fall. “Catch.”

I actually managed to catch all the tent poles, but I still wasn’t done scolding her. “Next time you let me help you instead of carrying all of it by yourself.”

Tanya chuckled as she just as elegantly let herself slide down Goldie’s back. “You’re adorable, miss Manson.”

“And you’re far too used to doing everything on your own.”

Tanya’s expression grew somewhat somber at that. “Yeah,” she said thoughtfully as she stroked Goldie’s long neck. “I guess I am.”

“Time to stop doing that,” I said softly as I walked over to her and looped my arms around her waist. 

“I’ll let you help me carry the tent the next time.” 

“I wasn’t talking about the tent.” 

“I know.” The words hung in the air for a moment as Tanya leaned back, leaned into my touch. I took advantage of the situation and kissed the side of her neck. The wind had sent her blonde hair tumbling over her opposite shoulder. 

She shivered slightly, as she always did whenever I kissed her neck. Tanya loved having her neck kissed. More than once, she had requested me to do so a bit out of nowhere when we were just sitting and  
watching television. Of course I always did as she requested, and eventually I had learned to do it spontaneously. Like right now. 

“Careful, baby,” she chuckled. “In a moment I’ll start thinking about something that has nothing to do with the tent and more to do with you pushing me down on this field, and....” 

“I can make that happen,” I said lowly and brushed my fingertips lightly against her neck now. She liked that too. “If you want....”

“Tempting offer, but we have a tent to set up,” she reminded me and laughed slightly as she wiggled out of my grasp. 

“Alright, alright,” I surrendered. “Let’s do this tent thing.” 

“Yes, let’s. If we do that now, maybe we can.... do another tent thing later.”

And just like that, I was officially distracted. 

But distracted or not, I actually managed to help Tanya with raising the little two-man tent. It looked very modest compared to the hotel room we had spent our days in, but I really liked it. I couldn’t wait to wiggle into my sleeping bag tonight. Tanya couldn’t have chosen a more beautiful location here. Surrounded by the mountains amongst the flowery fields and right next to the little lake. This place was truly stunning, and I was so happy she had brought me here. That she had chosen to show me this special place that held so much meaning to her. 

“Here you go,” Tanya said and handed me a sandwich from the cooling bag. 

“Thanks.” I accepted the sandwich and took a bite. It was really delicious. Ham and cheese. 

We were sitting outside the tent, right by the lake. The sun was beating down and making the skin on Tanya’s bare arm glitter. Tiny beads of sweat and not a newly acquired status as a vampire. She had unbuttoned the first three buttons in her stolen shirt, and I could see more beads of sweat gathering in the column of her throat. I kind of wanted to kiss them away. 

Another soft breeze made the air feel somewhat less of an oven. Tanya’s hair was briefly lifted from her shoulders before settling once more. She paid no attention to it. She just continued to eat the sandwich she had found for herself. It was very good sandwiches. And the fact that she had gone out of her way to make them, made them even better. She could have bought us some sandwiches at a gas station or something, but she hadn’t. Instead she had made them herself. 

“These are very good,” I praised. 

Tanya chuckled. “Thanks. It’s a specialty of mine.”

I snickered softly because we both knew that Tanya wasn’t that big on cooking. I mean, of course she could cook, but it wasn’t her favorite thing to do. 

“I’ve got another specialty, by the way,” Tanya said briskly after having finished her sandwich. She rose from the spot on the grass and went over to where the cooling bag was standing near the tent. I turned my head and observed as she roamed around in the cooling bag and muttered under her breath. I immediately quelled my urge to laugh. God forbid she should stop talking to herself. I found it to be ridiculously cute when she did that, and I don’t think she even realized when she did it. It was just a force of habit for her. 

“Aha!” she said triumphantly after a few seconds, and when she turned around, she was holding a bottle of champagne in her hand. 

“Seriously?” now I was in fact laughing. 

“You bet,” she said with a slight shrug as she weighted the bottle in her hand. “It might be pretty cheap compared to the kind of champagne I would prefer, but I’m sure it has some kind of taste to it.” she came back over to me and handed me a tall glass, dumped the other on the grass and then began the task of opening the bottle.

“Why champagne?” I asked. 

“Why not champagne?” Tanya retorted with a chuckle. She frowned in sheer concentration as she fiddled with the cork. 

“Well, I suppose you’re right about that, I was just wondering if there’s an occasion?” I curiously inquired. 

“The occasion is that you look great on a horse.” She tugged at the cork. “But don’t worry, by the way. I’m not planning on getting drunk or anything.” 

“I definitely wasn’t assuming that.” 

She flashed me a smile. “Good.” She tugged at the cork again and made sure to angle the bottle away from us. “Ready?” 

“Ready,” I chuckled. 

“Here we go,” Tanya said and sounded positively excited. 

Her mood was quite intoxicating, and I goofily put my hands over my ears. Tanya found that to be highly amusing. 

POP!

The sound of the cork coming off echoed like a gunshot through the fields. Panther and Goldie both looked up, and Tanya laughed as she gestured for me to raise my glass. I quickly did so, and I couldn’t stop laughing as she poured me some champagne. 

“There we go,” Tanya said satisfied as she sat down and poured some champagne into her own glass. Half a glass only, I noted. She had poured me a significantly larger amount. The bottle of champagne  
was put away in the shadow to stay chilly-ish, and I lifted my glass slightly. 

“Should we toast?” I inquired. You really couldn’t drink champagne without toasting. At least not in my opinion. 

“I suppose we could do that,” Tanya said and sounded oddly thoughtful as she raised her own glass of champagne. “Why don’t we toast to......” she smiled a little. “Montana. Yes. To Montana, a place that isn’t so bad after all. All depending on the people you bring here, of course.” 

“I’ll definitely drink to that,” I said softly as I clinked my glass with hers. We sipped our champagne. Tanya only took a teeny tiny sip of hers. Her expression was so unreadable as she looked at the little lake. 

I wiggled closer to her. Put my free hand lightly on her arm. “What are you thinking about?” 

“I’m thinking about Matthew,” Tanya replied without taking her eyes off the stunning view. 

“Oh, I see,” I said gently. “Anything you wanna talk about?” 

Tanya shrugged. “I suppose I’m hoping that he means it. That he really wants to try again.” 

“He better,” I threatened softly. “Otherwise I’ll be coming for him. I’ll be coming for all of them.”

She chuckled. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I’m going back to the hospital tomorrow. Hopefully he’ll be able to talk then. Do you want to come with me?”

“And meet Matthew?”

“Mmm.” She took a sip of her champagne. “Believe me, I completely understand if you don’t want to.”

“Of course I do,” I said immediately. “I’ll go with you.” 

“Awesome. I’m sure that’ll be... interesting.” She took another small sip of the champagne and made a face. “Nope, this is definitely not as good as the one in Los Angeles.” 

I chuckled. “Maybe the champagne isn’t as good, but the view is definitely better, you have to admit that.”

“Oh, absolutely,” she nodded. “The view is definitely nice. One of the things worth coming home for.” she turned her head and flashed me a little smile. “But as I said, it all depends on the people you come here with.”

“I’d be more than happy to come back here,” I told her and took a sip of my own champagne. She was right, it wasn’t quite as good as the one we’ve had back in Los Angeles. But still, it was still champagne. We were literally sitting in the middle of nowhere and drinking champagne. Just because. 

“You’re so extra,” I sweetly teased her. 

“Damn right I am,” Tanya said proudly and gave me a little nudge, so I almost spilled my champagne. 

“Be careful!” I warned. “I don’t wanna spill all over myself. Again.”

Tanya laughed. “That was funny.”

“You’re the only one who thinks so, Goldstein.”

“You were fine,” she brushed me off. “And it did made me want to climb you like a ladder, so there’s that.”

That little statement made me laugh so hard, champagne almost came out of my nose. 

“Nice. Very attractive,” Tanya snorted. 

“Shut up.” 

“No sorry, can’t do.” 

I sighed deeply and rolled my eyes. “You’re a pain in my ass, Goldstein.”

“Yes, indeed,” she said and looked damn proud. “One of my most important jobs, Swanson...”

As the blue sky and sunshine was replaced with dusky twilight, Tanya surprised me yet again by being a real Dora the Explorer. We had gathered logs and branches, and now Tanya was in the middle of getting a bonfire going. Apparently, the best kind of bacon was the one made over a bonfire. That was her claim, and I choose to believe that she was right. 

“Just you wait and see,” Tanya said and let out a noise of triumph when the bonfire started flickering merrily. 

“I believe you,” I assured and chuckled. 

Tanya had sat the bonfire up right next to the little lake, and I couldn’t get over how nice it was. And not just the bonfire, but all of it. This place was beautiful. Tanya was beautiful. And in a moment we were going to cook dinner over a bonfire. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my evening. 

Soon we were frying bacon and baking potatoes in the ash. Tanya had really thought of everything when she went grocery shopping earlier.

“You know, I didn’t think I was a bonfire kind of girl,” I said. “At least until now.”

She chuckled. “Stick with me, kid. I can teach you so many things.”

“I’m sure you can.”

“I even bought marshmallows,” she continued. “In case you get in the mood for something sweet later.”

“I might,” I nodded. “But I’m not so sure it’ll be the marshmallows that I want.”

Of course Tanya was unimpressed. “You need to work on your pickup lines,” she said completely dryly and unphased by my glorious suggestion. 

I gave her a little shove. “Be nice.” 

“Be better at courting a woman.”

“’Courting’,” I echoed and laughed my ass off. “Are you trying to rehearse for your English movie or something?”

“I’m always rehearsing. Whether I’m on the job or not.”

“Are you nervous?” I asked. I was certain I had picked up on something in her voice. 

Tanya shrugged. “Maybe a little. But it was worse when I first started on ‘Love Me Not’. First acting job and all that.”

“Well, you knocked that one out of the park,” I said and gave her knee a little squeeze. “So I wouldn’t be worried about this at all.”

“How cute.”

I snickered. There was that dry humor again. “Is my pickup lines getting better, Goldstein?”

“They could if you stick around for.... at least five years.” 

“Five years, huh?” I said softly. “You know what, I’m pretty sure I can do that.”

She flashed me a dazzling smile that was more Tanya than Hollywood.

I could easily say that this was the best dinner I had ever had. Crispy, salty and slightly smoked bacon. Perfectly baked potatoes. And of course champagne. Tanya knew exactly how to cook food over a bonfire.

The sky was going from deep blue to inky black, but despite it getting darker, the temperature was still fairly high. The air was still nice and balmy and even warmer because of the flickering flames. 

Goldie and Panther were nothing more than two little black dots in the horizon. I had asked Tanya if it was okay for the horses to be so far away. I was afraid they would take off without us, but Tanya had just chuckled and assured me that the horses weren’t going anywhere. Maybe they would be gone all night, but they would definitely be back come morning. 

I leaned back against Panther’s saddle, feeling thoroughly comfortable in the balmy air and my belly full of food. Tanya had taken off Panther’s saddle a while back, and I found it so much more comfortable, leaning back against it like this instead of sitting on it. Tanya had joked that maybe I should try riding without a saddle tomorrow, but I was definitely not feeling up for that. Saddle or nothing at all. Riding still wasn’t quite my thing, but it was Tanya’s. Horseback riding meant a lot to her, and so I was of course willing to give it a chance. Anything for her.

As summoned by my thoughts, Tanya came crawling out from the tent behind me. Her phone had been making noises, and so she ‘crawled’ inside the tent to take care of it. 

“Anything important?” I asked and twisted my neck in an attempt to see her. I only partially succeeded. 

“It was Grace,” she replied. “She had somehow found out that we’re camping out instead of being at the hotel, and she was literally begging me to drive back with us after we’ve been at the hospital tomorrow.”

“Oh,” I chuckled. 

“Is that okay with you?” Tanya asked and ran a finger through her hair. “We don’t have to if you don’t-“

“Of course I want to,” I interrupted, chuckling once more. “Grace is a sweet kid. And she’s your niece. I wanna hang with her!” and I really wanted to see Tanya interact more with her. The sight of the two of them together literally melted my heart. 

“Great. I’ll text her to let her know, then,” Tanya said lightly and came over so I could actually see her. Even in the faint light from the flickering bonfire, I could see how thoughtful she looked. “She had already gotten her dad’s permission. But she didn’t mention Tina with a word.”

“There’s a riot happening in your family,” I said softly. I could sense an uproar in the Fleming-clan. “First Stephen. Then Grace. And now Matthew.”

“We’ll see,” Tanya said. “Miracles does not happen in one day, darling.” She moved behind me and gave me a little nudge. “Move it, short stuff.”

I moved without asking questions, and it didn’t take long before she was sitting behind me. Now I was leaning against her instead of the saddle. Which I definitely did not complain about. Instead I reached back and tugged at her arm until she draped it around me. 

“This is nice,” I said. More a sigh than anything else. 

“Mmm,” she hummed. “It’s very nice.” Her free hand played with my hair, and I shivered slightly at the touch. She always knew exactly how to touch me. How to make all the little hairs in the back of my neck and on my arms stand up. I looked into the dancing flames and wondered what the fuck I had done to deserve this. How was it possible that I was feeling this happy? It seemed almost too good to be true. Just thinking about it made me feel like I was jinxing it or something, so I stopped thinking. I let out a sigh and leaned back against Tanya. Chest to back. Absolutely wonderful. 

“Grace and I are going riding tomorrow,” Tanya said after a moment. “Would you like to come with us?”

“Will there be any galloping?” I asked, only half-jokingly. 

“Definitely not. I’m not about to risk you falling off the horse.” 

“Okay.” I chuckled at her sweet display of protectiveness. “Then I’d love to come with you guys.”

“Great. I have a feeling that Grace really wants to get to know you.”

“You really think so?”

“Mmm,” Tanya rumbled in my ear, and I shivered again when I felt her lips brush against my cheek. “I really do.”

“Well, I am pretty awesome.” And fucking modest too. I suffocated a grin. 

For once, Tanya had no funny remark to say. She simply went: “yes.” And that made me shiver too. She had been so open and transparent during our trip to Montana. Layer after layer had come off. She was truly letting me see her, and the more I saw, the more I fell in love with her. All of her. Her fingers were in my hair now. She liked running her fingers through my hair over and over again. I couldn’t count how many times we had fallen asleep like that. I always woke up with spiky hair, and Tanya never offered an explanation for it, but I had the strongest suspicion that she kept playing with my hair after I had fallen asleep. I was kinda hoping that she would do that tonight too. 

I wiggled slightly to adjust and then leaned back once more. Now my back was pressing a little more firmly into her front, and I heard how she cleared her throat. Not unaffected, then. I grinned. “Is there a problem, Goldstein?”

“You’re squishing my boobs.”

That didn’t suffocate my grin. It only grew. “Are you sure that’s what I’m doing?” I inquired. “Because I could have sworn that the sound you just made was not one of distress...”

“Oh, please,” Tanya scoffed. “I might be a sadist, but I can assure you, I don’t enjoy having my boobs squished.”

“Do I ever get to see that ‘sadistic’ side of you?” I asked innocently. 

Tanya’s laughter was less than innocent. It was deep and wicked and everything in it made me react. “You don’t want that,” she said. 

“Maybe I do,” I challenged. 

She gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I love vanilla,” she assured. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.” 

“I wasn’t worried. And I know you love vanilla. I love vanilla too. But I also happen to love you. Like, a lot. And if there’s any person I’d explore other.... things with, it would definitely be you. I’d be open to  
try a few handcuffs.”

“I prefer rope.” 

I turned my head so fast, my neck went ‘crick’. “Is that a joke?” I asked as I studied her face. 

Tanya flashed me a Mona-Lisa-smile. “I don’t know,” she said mysteriously and quirked an eyebrow. “Is it?”

“Uhm...” right now I honestly wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not, but either way.... “I’m open to ropes too.” 

She made a sort of ‘hmm’ sound in response and brought her free hand up so she could push her hair away from her face. 

“Would I have to call you Ma’am or Madame or something?” I snickered. 

“Miss Goldstein has a better ring to it.” the statement was followed by a laughter that echoed across the fields, but I was pretty sure she was actually serious. 

I checked myself quickly. How would I feel about calling her ‘miss Goldstein’ in bed? It didn’t take long for me to admit that I probably wouldn’t feel weird about it. I had a feeling that it would come  
naturally. How did I feel about submitting to her then? Did I feel weird about that? Something coiled in my stomach, and I felt the tips of my ears reddening as I silently acknowledged something. I would  
not feel weird about submitting to Tanya. At all. In fact I would... enjoy it. I was sure I would. Being completely at Tanya’s mercy while she did things to me. Okay, some of those things would probably be painful, but that was how the whole BDSM thing worked, right? Maybe I could grow accustomed to enjoying a little pain with my pleasure. And exploring it with Tanya.... Well, I could only imagine how most delightful that would be. 

My train of thoughts were interrupted when Tanya shifted fast and unforgivingly behind me. I huffed in disapproval, but she ignored it and just chuckled as she rose from the sitting position. 

“Where are you going?” I complained as I rubbed the spot on my back where it had connected with the ground. 

“For a swim.” 

“Right now?” I lifted an eyebrow. 

“Yes, right now,” she replied and began to unbutton her shirt.

“Isn’t the water gonna be like... really cold?”

“I doubt it.” she swiftly worked the buttons in her shirt and then slid it down her shoulders. Her Bordeaux bra came into view, but it didn’t stay on for long. It ended up laying atop the shirt she had just  
discarded. Next thing following suit was her jeans, and before I could even blink, she had shed the last remaining article of clothing and was standing stark naked in front of me. Naked and completely unaffected as she began walking towards the lake. 

“A naked swim,” I said a bit strained. 

She turned her head, went “yes” in a tone that radiated ‘well, what did you expect?’

“What if someone sees you?” I asked and noted that my clothes was starting to feel a bit tight. 

“The only ‘someone’ here is you,” Tanya said patiently. She had reached the lake and was dipping a toe in the water now. 

“Yeah, I know, but someone else could-“

“Mara, sweetie.” She laughed overbearingly and threw her head back, sending her platinum blonde hair dancing down her back. “I’ve been doing this since I was eleven years old, and I have never ever  
been seen by anyone. Goldie being the only exception, but we’re all girls here. Well, except for Panther, but I’m sure he’ll survive.”

“You’re so ridiculously un-funny,” I told her, but I couldn’t really concentrate on sassing right now. The only thing I could focus on right now was my very naked girlfriend whose skin looked almost pearly white in the darkness. She looked ethereal as she walked into the lake with her long blonde hair flowing down her back. Like a mermaid going back to the ocean or something. I leaned forward and kept my gaze fixed on her naked form. The water was licking her ankles now, and she made a slight huffing sound. Maybe the water wasn’t as warm as she had hoped for. But I was starting to feel VERY warm.  
And it had absolutely nothing to do with the flickering flames. This particular warmth came from within. It came from the delicious image Tanya was serving for me right now. Her naked in the water. It was reaching her waist now, thereby shielding her most intimate parts from my gaze, and I of course mourned that. But only for a moment. Because then she was pulling her long hair back and exposing her breasts to me, and fuck, I was so weak!

“Are you gonna come out here?” she asked in that seductive tone that probably could have made me jump off a cliff if that was what she had asked me to do. 

“Isn’t the water like really cold?” I asked as I already began to lift my tanktop. 

“It is. I’m relying on your body warmth to keep me alive.”

I barked out a laugh and pulled the tanktop over my head and dumped it on the ground where Tanya’s clothes were laying. Immediately, goosebumps appeared on my skin, but again, it had nothing to do with being cold. This time it was because I could feel Tanya’s eyes upon me. She was watching me as I undressed, and it was making my heart pound in my chest. I popped the button in my jeans open and unzipped them. Tugged them down my legs and left them to lie on the ground along with the rest of our clothes. I heard Tanya exhale in that particular fashion she only ever did on certain occasions, and I felt something warm and pleasant flutter low in my stomach. And she wasn’t even saying anything. She could make me feel like this just by looking at me. That was a skill. Not many people could do that, I was certain of that. 

I reached back and found the clasp on my bra. Made sure to maintain eye contact with Tanya as I slowly unclasped it and let it fall to the ground. She was still looking at me, that much I could see, but it was too dark to make out her expression. But I didn’t need to. I knew her well enough to know exactly what her facial expression would be. My nipples puckered. I could feel the skin tighten, but I doubted it had anything to do with being exposed to the night air. I shuddered a little and tried to maintain a clear head, but it was getting increasingly harder. The more clothes I took off, the harder it was getting to concentrate. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Tanya and I were all alone out here. Right now it felt as though we were the only two people left in the world. Everything had just sort of faded away until there was only one person left. The woman in the lake. The woman who was pushing her wet hair away from her face. I swallowed thickly as I hooked my fingers in the waistband of my underwear and pushed them down my hips. I did a little shift to make the panties fall off my ankles. Now I was as stark-naked as Tanya was. And absolutely ready to go skinny dipping. Something I hadn’t tone since one drunken night in my late teen years. The experience was a bit blurry in my mind, but I did remember swallowing some of the water. Not the best experience. I was sure this one would be. 

The grass felt so very soft under my bare feet. The air was still balmy and warm. And my skin was prickling with anticipation. I dipped a toe into the lake, and while it was a bit chilly, it wasn’t as cold as I had feared. Definitely not. I walked into the water. Felt it lick at my ankles. Then my calves. When the water reached my thighs, I felt a new round of goosebumps erupt there, and my breath hitched when the water reached the top of my stomach. I should probably just dip under and get it over with once and for all instead of being a chicken. Getting under the water was the fastest way to relieve the cold shock I was getting right now. I looked at my girlfriend who was now so close I could touch her. Maybe there were other ways to get warmed up. Like wrapping myself around her and refusing to let go until the heat made me breathless. Tonight was one of the occasions where I was grateful that my girlfriend was so tall. 

“Look up,” Tanya said quietly. Her voice was slightly hoarse. Was it because she hadn’t said anything in a while, or was it because she was affected by me? 

I wasn’t sure. But I didn’t do anything to investigate it either. Instead I tilted my head back and looked up like she had said. The sky seemed enormous and endless above me. Velvet black, but by no means dark. Stars were scattered across the sky like tiny beacons of light in the darkness. But what took my breath away was the silvery moon hanging directly above us. It illuminated the black water. I couldn’t remember ever having seen the moon like this. It was so big and bright and gave my skin a silvery tone. If none of us said anything, if we just soaked up this moment, I could believe that this was a fairytale. That this was a scene taken out of a book. Or a movie. I wanted to photograph it, but at the same time, I didn’t. Instead I wanted to store this memory deep inside me. Keep it hidden. Because this moment didn’t belong in a picture. It wasn’t meant to be immortalized by technology. It was meant for Tanya and I. This was ours, and no camera would ever be able to truly capture it. 

I took a deep breath and lifted my hand. Brought it up towards the sky. My skin still looked ghostly white in this light. So did Tanya’s. More than ever, she looked ethereal as she stood next to me with her most of her hair wet. I thought to myself that Tanya would make for a spectacular mermaid in a movie. She looked stunning. Her eyes seemed so dark. As though the moonlight had sucked the green color out of them. In this light, one could be tricked into believing that her eyes were deep grey. 

“Now you know why it’s called Moonlight Farm,” Tanya said with a soft little chuckle. 

“Wow,” I breathed. “This is.... it’s beautiful.” 

“Why do you think I love coming out here?” Tanya asked rhetorically and chuckled again. “This has always been my place. I’ve never shared it with anyone. Until now.” 

“And how is that working out for you?” I gently inquired and turned around, so we were face to face. 

“Surprisingly well. You look good in the water.”

I let out a little hum of a laughter. “Thanks.” 

“Anytime.” Her long arms wrapped around me. Pulled me closer until our breasts were pressed flush together. I shivered at the stimulation and gently cupped her cheek. 

She answered by kissing me. Softly and gently, but it still left me feeling ridiculously weak. It didn’t matter in which fashion she kissed me. I would get affected by it no matter what. I tangled my fingers into her wet hair as we kissed. Now the water didn’t feel cold anymore. It was like being in a shower with Tanya. The temperature was the same, and the activities matched how our showers often ended.  
Usually, we could keep going until the water turned cold, but it wouldn’t turn cold here. It would remain at the same temperature, and it would be a damn shame not to take advantage of that. 

Tanya thought so too. For a moment I felt her hands on my legs, and then in one quick flash, she had lifted my legs and wrapped them around her waist. I gave a little yelp at the sudden shift and broke the kiss. 

She chuckled and flashed me a certain look with a raised eyebrow. “What are you gonna do about it?” she asked in that sultry tone that almost always meant that she was up to no good. Or, up to something VERY good. Depending on how you saw it. 

I did the only thing I could do in this situation and kissed her. Messier than before, all tongue and teeth, but she eagerly responded to it by cupping the back of my head to hold me in place. Not that she needed to. I literally could not think of a place I’d rather be. My arms were wrapped tightly around her neck. My nostrils were filled with that vanilla scent she so favored. She was not kidding when she said she liked vanilla. Unable to control myself, I deepened the kiss. Slipped my tongue inside her mouth and earned myself a moan in response. I was a collector of those. Tanya’s moans were absolutely glorious, and I had no idea how I had managed without them before. How had I managed without her? How would my life had turned out if I hadn’t hailed that taxi on that night? Where would I be today if I had never met Tanya? 

Thinking about that scenario scared me. So I stopped. Decided that now wasn’t the time for ‘what if’s’. I’d much rather be focusing on the here and now. And my here and now was Tanya kissing me like there was no tomorrow. It was her hands on my back. It was blunt fingernails lightly scratching against my skin in that particular way that never failed to turn my brain into goo. She had me in a way that no woman never had before. The chemistry between us was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and I briefly wondered whether it was possible for someone to go up in flames because of it. If it was, I would be alight in a matter of seconds. That was how it felt when she kissed me. Molten lava swirling in my belly and threatening to burn me. If I hadn’t been wrapped around her, I would definitely have ended up with my head underwater. 

Tanya’s hands slid down to my ass. Her grip was firm, very firm. I had to break the kiss and moan a little. 

“Be grateful I’m not wearing fake nails,” she teased as she squeezed my ass. 

“Oh, shit!” I hissed just a tad too weakly. 

“It’s so pretty,” Tanya cooed. Now she was stroking my ass rather than squeezing it. 

“Shut up,” I moaned strangled. She was teasing me like she so often did. 

“Make me, Swanson. Make......me.”

Challenged accepted. I covered her mouth with my own and thereby robbed her of the possibility of saying anything else. She didn’t mind that one bit. Just grabbed my ass and squeezed it yet again. If I would end up with red marks on it tomorrow, I would totally be her fault. And it wouldn’t be the worst thing either. Neither one of us were huge fans of hickies, but hidden marks like these? That was kind of sexy. That was how I felt, and I was sure that Tanya was sharing that belief. She was still grabbing my ass, and I reminded myself to tease her about having a fetish tomorrow. Her reaction would be entertaining. Either she would tell me to piss off, or she would willingly admit to it and throw in some kind of scandalous remark. I was kinda hoping for that option, I had to admit. 

Suddenly, we were moving in the water. Or, Tanya was moving us in the water. She was guiding me backwards, and even before I could ask her where we were going, I found my back being pressed against some kind of surface. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I couldn’t be bothered to turn my head and check. Not when Tanya was unwrapping my legs from around her waist and gently setting me on my feet. She didn’t move away from me, though. She remained pressed against me, so I was trapped between the unknown surface behind me, and her in front of me. Not a bad place to be trapped in at all. I took advantage of the situation. Now it was my turn to grab her ass. “Now what, Goldstein?” I half-asked, half challenged.

“Well...” she drawled, tone all sultry and seductive. “That all depends on what you want, darling.”

“I want you,” I said automatically. There was no other answer to give. 

“How much do you want me?” she teased as she ran a finger from my collarbone and down my right breast. 

“Bad-ly!” I gasped, voice breaking when her finger oh-so-accidentally brushed against my nipple. 

“Yes?” the mischief was abundantly clear in her voice now. She gently brushed her fingertips over my nipples. The touch had my stomach clenching and my breath hitching. 

“You know, these are VERY pretty too,” Tanya cooed, and then she bowed her head and kissed first my right nipple and then my left. 

“Fuck!” the curse word slipped past my lips before I could do anything about it. 

She kissed my nipples again, chin dipping under the water as she did so, and her long hair fanning out behind her. Yes, she was most definitely a siren. And I was the willing victim about to be devoured by her. 

“Unfortunately, I’m not able to keep my head under the water for as long as I could hope for,” Tanya rasped. “But...” she didn’t finish the sentence. Instead she let her actions speak. Her hand disappeared  
under the water, and I let out another well-chosen curse word when I felt it between my thighs. She stroked my clit a few times and then gently spread me open. 

A gasp slipped past my lips when I felt her fingers near my entrance. “Please don’t let me drown,” I rasped when my back slid down the slippery surface behind me. 

“I can’t promise you that,” Tanya said silkily. “But I can promise you that you’ll die very, very happy.”

My laughter sounded strangled. More of a moan than an actual laughter. “God, you’re so macabre sometimes!” 

“Mmm,” Tanya said lightly. And without further ado, she slipped two fingers inside me, and I felt myself slipping once more. Maybe I actually would end up drowning. But oddly enough, I didn’t really care  
about it. It was impossible to care about anything, even potential death when Tanya’s knowing fingers were buried inside me. I grasped her shoulders. Clung to her in an attempt to brace myself, but the first wiggle from her fingers still had me moaning and shifting in the water. “Oh, fuck!” I hissed. “I love you!”

“Fortunate. I think I would be cross if that wasn’t the case right now,” she replied and let out a soft chuckle. 

I was not satisfied with that. I gave her shoulder a half hard squeeze. Now was not the time for funny remarks. And she understood that. After having hissed in complain, she amended: “I love you too.” 

In response, I leaned in and captured her lips in a soft kiss. That was better. As we kissed, I wiggled my hips in an attempt to get her to go a little faster. She understood that too. She thumped her fingers faster while rubbing the heel of her hand against my clit. I swallowed thickly, tried to stay upright even though it felt like my legs could give in at any moment. I would just have to trust that Tanya would catch me if I really were to fall. Good thing I trusted her then. Good thing I fully believed that she would be right there to catch me. I eased my grip on her shoulders and cupped her cheeks instead. Now she was the one to moan, and that absolutely fucking delighted me....

How long did we stay in the lake? I didn’t know. But I knew that my skin was tingling from her kisses and touches and sweet torture. I knew that I was slightly breathless and dizzy and warm. And I knew that when I came, my voice echoed amongst the mountains. I knew that Tanya looked disgustingly smug as she declared that I had fucked up her eardrums permanently. While I hoped that wasn’t the case, I couldn’t help but laugh with her. She was right. I had been extremely loud. And there had been no one to hear me scream. Exactly like Tanya had told me earlier. 

“It’s between us and the mountains,” Tanya joked as she eased her fingers out of me. 

And I chuckled again because I knew something else too. Tanya liked having sex with me out in the open. That much was obvious. I reached for her. Of course I wanted to do to her what she had done to me, but before I could, I heard a rumbling sound in the distance. 

Tanya looked up, and I followed her gaze. Now the moon had disappeared behind a cloud, and a slight wind had picked up and was making the trees rustle. 

“Ah,” Tanya said with a slight nod. “Looks like we’ll get a bit of bad weather. Bound to happen. It’s been a fucking oven all day.” 

“Do you wanna go back to the tent?” I suggested in a tone I hoped matched her seductive one. Now it was my turn to make her scream. So far, she had taken control, and apart from touching her breasts, I  
hadn’t made any ‘moves’. I hadn’t been able to because she had turned my brain into goo. But now I was thinking clearly again, and I was damn well going to take advantage of that!

“What an excellent idea,” Tanya said. “Last one out of the water is a drunk mermaid!” 

“You cheat!” I bellowed as she began swimming away from me. 

Her pearly laughter echoed through the mountains. 

It was me. I was the ‘drunk mermaid’. But that was completely fine. As soon as we were out of the water, I took her hand and lead her back to the tent. The flaps were already open, so I didn’t have to  
struggle with that. All I had to do was crawl inside. And I did. Once Tanya had crawled inside the tent. I might actually have pushed her a bit, but she didn’t mind that. All she did was laugh when I impatiently zipped the tent shut to shield us from the elements. Then I turned my attention to her. I kissed her. Ended up tackling her so she ended on her back on one of the sleeping bags. She didn’t mind that either.

“The things I’m going to do to you,” I said almost warningly as I began kissing her neck. 

Tanya laughed throatily. “I’m positively shaking, baby.” 

“You should,” I murmured against her neck and quelled a smile. Baby. She called me that a lot. I had once sworn that it sounded like a cliché, but now I had to admit that I really liked that pet name. She made it sound good. Very, very good. 

“Well, I’m all yours,” she breathed, and now her voice was soft. Vulnerable. 

I paused my neck kisses to look up at her. She wasn’t smiling or joking anymore. Instead she looked very serious. Solemn, almost. “I love you,” I told her. Just because. 

“Fuck me, Mara!”

My name had never sounded better than it did tonight, and overwhelmed by emotions, I resumed kissing her. First her neck, then her shoulder. The top of her chest and down, down, down until I could brush my lips against her nipple. I felt her shiver underneath me, and in response to that, I pursed my lips slightly and blew hot air on her nipple. That made her shiver once more. She was anticipative.  
Perhaps I should give her what she wanted and needed. Keep the torture on a minimum. We did have all night. 

So I kissed my way down her glorious body until I reached her navel. As I gently kissed around it, there was another rumble of thunder. This time the sound was closer to the tent, and maybe the sound had startled Tanya, because I felt her fingers twitch in my hair once. I looked up at her. Her lips were slightly parted, the veins in her neck visible because of the way her neck was straining. But her eyes were open and greener than ever before. She smiled a little as we made eye contact. God, she looked beautiful. All wet hair slicked back and droplets of water trickling down her body. The sleeping bags underneath us would surely get soaked, but I didn’t give a fuck. I had a feeling that we wouldn’t be needing sleeping bags tonight. I much preferred sleeping cuddled into her side. 

“Make love to me, Mara,” Tanya said sweetly. 

A whirlwind of emotions rushed through me, but before I could get the chance to decide how to respond to it, Tanya started laughing. Or maybe giggling was a more accurate description of what she was doing. 

“I’m sorry,” she managed between laughing fits. “I tried.” She shook her blonde head once. “Romantic clichés just isn’t my thing!”

No, and it probably would never be. But that was completely fine with me. I laughed along with her as I came up to kiss her lips again. I didn’t need romantic clichés. I just needed my girlfriend to laugh this big, happy belly-laugh. “You’re so ridiculous,” I told her as I kissed her cheek. 

“I suck at romance,” she laughed. “But hey, I can at least look at you like...”

“Like what?” I asked and struggled to snap out of the amusement. 

“Like I love you,” she softly finished the sentence, and right then and there, she was the fucking best at romance. 

“That you can,” I said. “Or you could lie back and close your eyes while I...” I couldn’t be bothered to finish the sentence. Instead I resumed kissing her. Her abdomen this time. She immediately stopped laughing, and I felt her muscles twitch and clench in anticipation. I had let her wait long enough, and instead of dragging this out, I went in with my mouth and gave her a long lick with the flat of my tongue. 

The motion had her yelping and gripping my hair. Maybe she hadn’t expected me to go for it quite so quickly, and I felt ridiculously smug because I had managed to surprise her. Normally, she was the one who was full of surprises. My tongue slid flawlessly through her wetness, and for a second my own arousal distracted me. But then I remembered that this was about me. I had plenty already. Tanya was such a generous lover. Always insisting on taking care of me first. Maybe I would have to change that in the future. Maybe I would insist on her being first. 

“Fucking hell!” she cussed above me. “Are you trying to kill me or something?!”

Was I trying to kill her? Nah, not really. Making her experience ‘the little death’ perhaps, but definitely not killing her. But still, I took this a compliment. I gave her another lick with the flat of my tongue,  
and the sounds she was making DEFINITELY sounded like she was going to die, no doubt about that. I loved that she was so vocal and loud. And I loved the fact that we were by ourselves and not in a hotel room where we had to keep things at a minimum. Here it was just me and her. Oh god, this was how it was going to be when we moved in together. No roommates to mind. She could be as loud as she fucking wanted. 

“Mara, I swear to god, if you don’t fucking-“

I effectively made her shut up by wiggling my tongue inside her, and I could immediately feel her pussy clench and twitch. She hadn’t expected that either, but judging by the sounds she let out, I figured that she was not one bit unhappy about my ‘surprise attack’. 

“Fffffuck!” she yelped, and I felt her yank harshly at my hair. Maybe she was even ripping a few hairs out, but I didn’t give a fuck. She tasted so fucking good! She always did. I couldn’t get enough of the way she tasted, the sounds she made and the way she yanked at my hair. Maybe I would be bald by the end of the night, but I didn’t even care about THAT right now. Tanya’s pleasure was the only thing that mattered to me, and I didn’t for a moment doubt that this was bringing her so, so much pleasure. Her voice was louder than the thunder. An achievement because the thunder seemed to get louder. It was going to rain. But that didn’t matter either. It couldn’t get in here. The temperature in the tent was only rising and rising until it reached the boiling point. 

I stretched a hand up and splayed my fingers wide over Tanya’s right breast. Almost immediately, her hand landed on top of mine. Maybe she claimed that she didn’t know how to do romance, but she loved closeness, and in my mind, that was actually pretty romantic. Yes, in her own peculiar way, Tanya Goldstein was damn romantic. I didn’t need roses or chocolate or grand gestures. I just needed little moments where I could feel that she loved me. And right now was definitely one of those moments. 

I wiggled my tongue inside her. Made sure to hit her g-spot every time I moved. One hand squeezed mine while her other still was in my hair. I could feel her thighs part even more for me, and I thought to myself that I was one fucking lucky bastard. My girlfriend was the sexiest creature on planet earth. She was writhering and gasping like this because of me. Me! One of these days I would have to learn to comprehend that. Somehow. I wasn’t particularly in a hurry as I moved my tongue inside her. I wanted to take my time and really taste her, and she hadn’t asked me to go faster. Yet. Maybe she would in a moment. God knows that Tanya wasn’t the most patient woman on earth. But so far, she didn’t complain. She merely moved my hand to her other breast, and I immediately got the hint and started to rub her nipple as best as I could without being able to see what I was doing. I had no doubts that she would let me know if something wasn’t right, but she didn’t say anything, so I figured that I was on to something. Oh yes, most definitely on to something. I felt her muscles twitch a little bit. She always loved being stimulated everywhere. Which quickly prompted me to angle my nose so the tip of it was brushing against her clit. God forbid that I shouldn’t give her all the pleasure she could possibly get. She deserved it all. Deserved everything. 

I noted that she had gone kinda quiet, and if it hadn’t been for the way her hand was slightly squeezing mine, I could almost have been concerned. Of course she was more than allowed to be quiet, it was just a bit surprising since she had been so vocal a moment ago.

Then I felt her body jerk underneath me. Could feel her thighs twitch slightly. She made a sound that could almost have been ‘nggh!’. The taste of her filled my mouth, and oh, NOW I understood what her quietness had been about. She had been working on her own ‘surprise-attack’. Normally, I was able to feel when she was about to orgasm, but this time she had literally snuck up on me. 

I waited until she had stopped twitching. Then I lifted my head, licked her lips and grinned at her. “Fancy another one, Goldstein?” 

“Yes. Come here.” 

So that’s what I did. I stretched out over her and her arms wrapped tightly around me. We kissed and kissed and kissed and I thought to myself that I would gladly spend the rest of my life like this......

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that the rain had stopped. It had been coming down pretty hard last night, but now it had stopped. The second thing I noticed was that Tanya was missing. But so was the shirt she had been wearing last night. I groggily sat up and rubbed my eyes. I was a bit sore here and there. Particularly on my back. I had a feeling that it was covered in scratch marks. Tanya had become VERY enthusiastic at some point last night, but so had I, and I didn’t care about the scratch marks. I liked them. The only thing bothering me this morning was that Tanya wasn’t sleeping next to me. That could have been really nice. 

I found the tanktop I had been wearing last night and slipped it over my head. Then I crawled out of the tent. It was broad daylight. The sun beating down exactly like yesterday. No doubt it would be a very hot day. I hoped it would. Maybe Tanya and I could bathe in the lake again. It had been so nice last night. 

I found Tanya sitting in front of a new bonfire. There was a thermos standing on the grass, and she was in the middle of frying a new round of bacon. Quite the effective woman on this particular morning. 

I chuckled to myself as I took in her slightly rumbled appearance. Her hair was tousled, and her skirt crinkled. Good. 

“At last,” she said as a greeting. “I thought you would be asleep all morning.” 

“Well, I’m not. What time is it anyway?”

“Ten fifteen.”

“Ah. Have you been up long?”

“Yes. Since nine. Stacy was kind enough to call me.” 

“Rude,” I mock sneered. Tanya’s agent was notorious for calling her almost nonstop. 

“I made breakfast,” Tanya continued. “And there’s coffee too.” she nodded towards the thermos standing on the ground. “I can’t promise that it’s still warm. Had you been here earlier, it would have been.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I slept so long!” I protested. 

“Whose fault is it then?” she asked and raised an eyebrow. 

“Uhm... yours?” I suggested. “You pretty much wore me out last night.”

Her disdain was immediately turned into wicked satisfaction. “Good. That’s how I prefer it. Now be a good girl and eat your bacon and toast. We’re driving to the hospital as soon as we’re done here.”

“Roger that.” I settled down next to her. The grass was a bit wet, but not wet enough to bother me. Tanya loaded bacon and toast onto my plate and she also served me coffee in one of those plastic cups. 

“Wow,” I said impressed. “Are you this sweet because we had sex last night?” 

“Yes. That’s exactly why. You totally got me,” she snorted unimpressed at my joke. 

“I knew it,” I chuckled and dug into my breakfast. It was really good. There was just something about breakfast that had been made over a bonfire. I glanced at Tanya as she sat and sipped her own coffee. 

“Are you nervous about seeing Matthew?” I asked softly. 

“No. Yes. Maybe. To be honest, I’m not sure. My emotions are a bit all over the place at the moment,” she replied. “But I can handle it. I won’t be going alone.”

“Definitely not,” I said firmly and reached out so I could touch her bare knee. 

“Whatever happens, happens,” she philosophized. “Maybe things will go well today. Maybe they won’t. Maybe Matthew and I can start again. Maybe Elizabeth will come to her senses someday and realize that she’s been treating me shitty, but I’m not expecting miracles. Even if Matthew truly meant everything he wrote in that letter, I don’t expect him to fall to his knees and beg me to forgive him. It’ll come gradually.”

“You know what, I’m sure it will,” I said lightly. For whatever reason, I had a very good feeling about the upcoming meeting with Matthew Fleming. My gut feeling told me that he wasn’t about to fuck things up again. Without knowing him, I knew that he wouldn’t risk loosing Tanya again.

“So many milestones,” Tanya said a bit thoughtfully. “You’re the first girlfriend I bring here. The first girlfriend I introduce to my family....” she took a sip of her coffee. “Thank god for coffee. I’m not sure I would have been able to handle it otherwise.”

“Coffee solves everything,” I chuckled and went along on her joke. 

“It sure does.” She took another little sip and smiled. 

I soon found out why. Goldie and Panther had come back. Exactly like Tanya had said they would. 

“Are you ready to ride back to the car after breakfast?”

“Urgh,” I said and grimaced. “You really ARE a masochist, aren’t you? Expecting me to sit on a horse after last night....”

She laughed. “You knew that we were going riding last night.”

“Right. And you think horseback riding was what I was thinking about last night?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m pretty sure nothing has been of less importance to me than horseback riding was last night...”

Tanya laughed again. “Poor Mara.”

“Yeah, feel sorry for me!” I huffed. “It’s your fault that I’m feelin’ achy this morning!”

“I don’t.” 

“Feel achy?”

“Feel sorry,” she corrected with a salacious grin. “Not even in the slightest.”

I chewed on that information for a moment and then decided on a new angle to ‘attack’ her: “sooo, does that mean that you DO feel achy?”

She didn’t answer that. Just gave me a haughty look as she slowly sipped her coffee. 

“Do you?” I teased and gave her a nudge. Breakfast was momentarily forgotten. 

“I have no interest in making your ego overinflated.”

“Aww, come on,” I coaxed. “Gimme me some sugar!” 

The look she flashed me was positively devastating. “Say that again and I’ll never sleep with you again.” 

“We both know you don’t mean that,” I laughed. 

Tanya scoffed in that particular busy-brunette-in-a-taxi-manner and rose from her spot on the grass. “God, you’re annoying after you’ve gotten laid.” 

“Your fault,” I singsong’ed. 

“I know. I take full responsibility for my actions,” she said dryly as she balanced her plastic cup of coffee. 

I snickered to myself. I was doing awesome this morning. Like, really awesome. My body was full of endorphins and my belly was full of bacon. What could possibly be better? 

Tanya’s phone went off somewhere inside the tent, and I looked back over my shoulder. 

“Ignore it,” Tanya said. “It’s probably just Stacy who wants to tell me that she sent me an email.”

“Ah. Anything important?” 

“Some kind of manuscript. I didn’t ask too many questions. I was groggy.”

“Right.” I turned my attention back to my breakfast and did my best to ignore Tanya’s ringing phone. 

“That woman seriously needs a chill pill,” Tanya said and clicked her tongue. “I told her that I’m in Montana, why can’t she just- oh, fuck!” 

“Huh?” her exclamation wasn’t exactly how I had expected that sentence to end, so of course I turned my head to see what was going on. Not that I became much the wiser. Maybe she had slipped in the slightly damp grass and was trying to regain balance. Or maybe the plastic cup was slippery in her grasp, it was impossible to say what had caused this, really. But either way, I could only watch as she made this little awkward jerk that sent the cup of coffee flying upwards. The coffee sloshed over the rim of the cup, splattered against her shirt. Down her front and leaving a huge stain in its wake that seemed to cover the entire shirt. The plastic cup escaped her grasp and landed in the grass, making no sound whatsoever. Not all disasters made a sound. And Tanya with spilled coffee all over her shirt was definitely a disaster. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Tanya swore as she tugged at her now coffee-soaked shirt. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

As much of a disaster this was.... it was also kind of funny in a really fucked up way. I bit the inside of my cheek harshly not to laugh, but my voice still trembled as I said: “Holy shit, are you okay?” 

“Yes,” Tanya said tightly. “The coffee was lukewarm. God damnit!”

A teeny, tiny snicker escaped me. I couldn’t help it. If this wasn’t ironic, I didn’t know what was. 

“Don’t,” Tanya warned and lifted a finger in warning. “Don’t you fucking dare saying anything, Mara!”

As always, she had her way. I didn’t say anything. But I laughed. Oh, how I laughed! Loudly and unabashedly. My laughter echoed through the valley. I literally could not believe that this had actually happened. The ultimate callback. Tanya had spilled coffee on herself. Tanya stood and looked annoyed while I laughed my ass off. Finally, the balance had been restored!

“Shut up, Mara,” she said, but I was certain I could hear something in her voice. And I absolutely could not shut up. I kept laughing despite my side stinging and my ribs feeling like they were breaking one by one. 

And just like that, Tanya surrendered and started laughing too. Our mutual amusement mingled and filled the valley, and the more I looked at her, the more I laughed. She looked absolutely ridiculous as she stood there in her coffee-stained shirt and laughed her ass off. Ridiculously beautiful. 

I abandoned the breakfast and got on my feet. Still laughing, I walked over to her and cupped her cheek. “Are you sure that didn’t b-burn you?” despite the serious subject, I was still giggling like a maniac. 

“I’m absolutely fine,” Tanya gasped as tears of laughter trickled down her cheeks and made them red. 

“You’re better than fine,” I said through another fit of giggles. “You are so great, I love you!” 

“I love you too. But I would probably love you a lot more if you could stop fucking laugh at me.”

“You look so cute,” I said and ignored her statement. 

“I’m sure I could make this a trend if I tried,” she said, frowning softly as she looked down at herself and the enormous coffee stain on her shirt. 

“Yeah, you probably could,” I snickered. Then I leaned in and kissed her. Because she looked so cute and disheveled this morning. I could feel the coffee stain against my own shirt, but I didn’t care. So  
what if I ended up with coffee on me too? There was this old saying about couples sharing everything, after all. 

Tanya cupped my cheeks and eagerly kissed me back. You would think that both of us had gotten enough after last night, but that was not the case at all. I would always want more. Would never get tired of Tanya’s kisses. Or her arms around me. Now the coffee stain on her shirt was definitely being transferred to mine as well. But there also was this old saying about couples wearing matching outfits, so... 

Tanya was pulling me flush against her. Maybe she was secretly hoping for round six (or was it seven?), and if that was the case, I definitely wouldn’t be opposed. All I needed was fifteen minutes. We could postpone everything for fifteen tiny minutes, right? It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we did. For once, I couldn’t smell vanilla. The only scent I could smell was coffee. So much coffee. I imagined how I would look back at this moment and laugh at ‘that time where Tanya spilled coffee all over herself and became a victim of karma’. 

Should I break the kiss and tell Tanya that? Should I tease her just a little bit? I couldn’t decide, and my train of thoughts were interrupted by another sharp sound coming from the tent. 

“Your phone is ringing,” I mumbled between kisses. 

“So let it ring,” Tanya mumbled back, her lips were only inches from mine, and all she needed to do to connect them was leaning forward slightly. 

“But it- mmm!- could be something important,” I managed without knowing how. Her kisses was making me dizzy. 

Tanya sighed deeply as she turned around. She crouched down and slipped inside the tent, and it didn’t even take a second before the ringing sound stopped. I waited as she re-emerged from the depths  
of the tent. She rose to her full height, ran a finger through her hair and said: “there. I switched it off.” 

“I could have been important,” I said and chuckled. 

“I’m sure it was.”

“It could have been about a role.”

“Yes, and it most likely was,” Tanya said lightly as she walked back to me and wrapped her arms around me. “But right now I’m busy playing a different and much more important role.”

“And which role is that?” I asked and smirked just a tiny bit as I glanced at the large coffee stain on her shirt. 

“The role as your girlfriend. Now kiss me again.”

So I did. Long and slowly and deeply until my lungs were burning and Tanya gasping slightly. When we broke the kiss, her green eyes were sparkling, and there was a rare streak of vulnerability to her voice when she asked: “how am I doing so far?”

“You...” I stood on my tippy toes so I could kiss the tip of her nose. “Are giving an Oscar worthy performance, Goldstein. An Oscar worthy performance.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Tanya smiled. She looked at me exactly like she had looked at me last night in the tent. 

“You’re doing it again,” I said softly and brushed a fingertip over her smooth cheek.

“Doing what again?”

“Looking at me like-“

“Like I love you,” she slyly finished the sentence. “I know.”

“I like when you do that. I like that you love me.”

She chuckled. “And I like the sound of that.” Then she leaned in and kissed me again. Slowly and sweetly and right here, on this meadow, surrounded by breathtaking mountains and flowery fields. With her hands gently cupping my cheeks. 

Maybe Tanya Goldstein didn’t do traditional romance, but I was pretty sure this moment would turn out to be one of the single most romantic ones in my life. And that... was really something. It was everything. Our everything. Hers and mine. 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter is dedicated to Camila, a very special person who nagged me until I wrote a sequel to 'Love Me Not' :P I know how much you love Tanya and Mara, and I thank you for nagging me into exploring these characters further. I could not have done this without you. Your encouragement and enthusiasm helped me bring Tanya and Mara alive.


End file.
